The IT Crowd 3x6

Directed by Graham Linehan

Matt Berry as Douglas Reynholm • Alexandra Weaver as Kimberly • Ty Glaser as Nadine • Hazel Douglas as Joan • Hywel John as Dave

To raise money for charity, the girls of the 7th floor come up with the idea to do a nude calendar. Roy -who happens to be there to fix a computer- gets excited when the girls ask him to do the photography. Jen doesn't like the idea so much and comes up with an alternative.

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1. - Have you nearly finished, Roy? - Yep.

2. - You're taking a very long time. - It's a very complicated problem.

3. You've got a lot of... chabaranks in your hard drive.

4. I'll get them out eventually.

5. Urh! Frustrating!

6. Come on, work! Work, you bloody computer!

7. Nadine, do you know about digital cameras?

8. Oh, Roy might.

9. I do, as it happens. I'm an amateur photographer, actually.

10. I just got this new one, but it's really complicated.

11. That's fixed.

12. - What was wrong with it? - Wasn't turned on.

13. Oh...

14. I don't even know why I got rid of my old one— it was working fine.

15. Well, these all look good.

16. What's going on with this fella?

17. Look at him! He's pulling a mad face! He looks completely mental.

18. That's Dave, my brother. He's got a very serious condition.

19. When I said "mental" there, I meant mental in the sense of... intelligent.

20. You know, like he's a big reader.

21. - He has boss-eyedness. - Bossiednis?

22. He's permanently boss-eyed.

23. - That must be a big pain in the arse. - It is.

24. And the terrible thing is,

25. people think there's actually something funny about this.

26. No! Who could think there's something funny about this?

27. But it's a proper condition and he really suffers, he really...

28. Oh, hey...

29. I'd just give anything if Dave could have a normal life.

30. - Oh, hey now... - Kimberly, are you OK?

31. It's just... Dave.

32. Oh, poor Dave.

33. Hey, I've got a great idea.

34. Why don't we do something to raise money for people like Dave?

35. You know, like... We must be able to think of something... Like a fun run!

36. - That's a good idea. - Or a nude calendar.

37. Yes!

38. I would say that's maybe even a better idea than the fun-run idea.

39. We could call it "The girls of the 7th floor".

40. Yes!

41. - It's a very strong theme. - Roy could be the photographer!

42. I could do the photographs. Because I said I was an amateur photographer.

43. Let's do a brainstorm. I'd like to be November, if that's OK.

44. - Can I be April? - Yes.

45. In October we've got to have a Halloween theme...

46. Boss-eyedness is something which affects 1% of Britons.

47. It doesn't impair eyesight,

48. yet people with boss-eye are routinely discriminated against.

49. Just like any form of discrimination, it should be stopped.

50. But we can only do so with your help.

51. That's right— we're looking at you.

52. It's not funny, Jen.

53. It's a very serious condition.

54. I know it is. I know it is. I'm sorry.

55. Look, this is exactly the kind of discrimination we are fighting against.

56. - And what do you need from me? - I just need a little time off work.

57. We're trying to raise money for the boss-eyed.

58. - Who? Who is? - Just me and some people.

59. Oh, yeah? Who?

60. People from upstairs. You wouldn't know them.

61. - Oh, OK. What are you gonna do? - Well...

62. - Hi. - Hi.

63. - Hiya. - What are you talking about?

64. Er, nothing. I'm just talking to Jen about a private project.

65. What is it?

66. It's just a private project I'm doing that's private.

67. What is it?

68. It's just a thing.

69. It's just a big bloody pain-in- the-arse thing that I might do.

70. Oh, you are being modest.

71. It's a very kind thing you're doing, very generous, very charitable.

72. I really am impressed. Good for you.

73. What's he done, persuaded all the girls on seven

74. to do a nude calendar for charity?

75. - Bye. - Bye, Moss.

76. Oh, God, he's right.

77. Oh, no... How the hell... No, no... Aww!

78. - He made it sound sleazy! - It is sleazy!

79. Oh, what kind of man would want to photograph

80. a bunch of beautiful women without any clothes on, Roy?

81. The kind of man who wants to help people, Jen!

82. No, I don't like it. I find it very offensive.

83. No, it's going to be tasteful.

84. - No, it's not. - You're right, it's not. It's not.

85. It's going to be rude. It's going to be sexy.

86. All the things that men like.

87. And it's gonna make a million quid for that charity.

88. - No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. - Why not?

89. Taking your clothes off...

90. If it's unemployed men or old ladies from Yorkshire, it's fun.

91. If it's sexy women, it's not fun; it's oppression.

92. No, I will not give you any time off for this.

93. Well, OK. Then I will do it in my own time.

94. Roy, you're behaving like a horny teenager.

95. No, you are.

96. For God's sake, try and have some dignity.

97. - No, I won't. I won't. - Sit down.

98. No.

99. - Try and have an adult conversation. - I'm doing it. It's for charity.

100. And there's nothing you can do about it!

101. You're embarrassing yourself!

102. Roy, stop it! Come back here!

103. Roy, don't be silly, come back! Roy!

104. I'm really pleased we've had this conversation.

105. Thanks for seeing us.

106. Any advice you need about anything...

107. Oh, you're so lovely.

108. Hiya.

109. Roy, thank God you're here.

110. Jen's been telling us how the calendar would've been sexist...

111. Oh, has she?

112. How it'd be much better if we used old ladies or unemployed men.

113. Ohhh, good.

114. She thinks we'll make a lot more money because of the "ah" factor.

115. The "ah" factor?

116. The thing that makes you go, "Ah" when you hear about it.

117. Oh, yeah...

118. But will anyone actually want to see old women

119. or destitute men with no clothes on?

120. Won't that just make people go, "Agh!", rather than "Ah"?

121. Guys, I've got a great idea.

122. Why don't we all ask our grans to do the calendar?

123. - Aaarrghh! - That is a great idea!

124. Oh, Nadine, you are so full of ideas. But can I... Hold on one second.

125. What's our theme? Isn't our theme "Girls of the 7th floor"?

126. That was a very strong theme.

127. Yes, Roy, but now the theme can be "Grans of the girls of the 7th floor".

128. Oh, yeah... I don't want to take photos of grannies.

129. This could do very well, Roy. This could be tasteful.

130. Like the one Helen Mirren did.

131. Old ladies, pot plants covering their bits— you know the sort of thing.

132. An erotic calendar the whole family could enjoy.

133. Roy, you can't drop out now. Douglas has paid for the studio time.

134. What? Has he?

135. Yeah. He's really very interested in this project.

136. And I just have to say how I'm finding this whole thing just... so moving,

137. how so many men have shown interest and support for the calendar.

138. I mean, people really do care about the boss-eyeds.

139. Roy... you can't drop out now.

140. I wasn't... wrong about you, was I, Roy?

141. I thought you were special.

142. I am.

143. I'm so special. I... No... I...

144. Let's do it! Let's go round up those grans!

145. Thank you! Oh, thank you!

146. That's OK.

147. - Hi. - Hi!

148. You know, we could just get a proper photographer.

149. - Oh, no, I'm happy to do it. - OK.

150. - How's it going? - Not a great start, I have to say.

151. Of all the girls on seven, only nine have grans that are still alive.

152. Of that nine, one is having a... hip replacement on the day of the shoot,

153. one is a little... senile and may not know what's happening...

154. and the last one... the last one has a gangrenous arm.

155. But she still wants to do it.

156. So all I have to do now is hit the streets

157. and find six old women that I've never met

158. who'd be happy to take all of their clothes off

159. and let me take photographs of them.

160. Why are you doing this?

161. Same reason I do everything, Jen— to have sex with a lady.

162. Ah...

163. What?

164. I said, "Do you want to be in a nude calendar?"

165. - Do I want a calendar? - No, no. No.

166. Do you... want...

167. to do...

168. a nude calendar?

169. - For charity. - Oh, for charity!

170. Oh, well, in that case, yes, I'll take it. How much is it?

171. No, no, no. No, no. No.

172. Do you want to do a calendar?

173. But the doctor's already changed my catheter.

174. No, no... No.

175. I need you... to take all your clothes off...

176. and have me take photographs of you.

177. Oh, you remembered your old mum's birthday.

178. IT?

179. Jen, hi. I just wanted you to know

180. if this calendar doesn't make a million pounds,

181. I'm holding you personally responsible.

182. What? That's not very fair.

183. I'm sad to say that the only secure route to a knighthood in this sorry age

184. is via charity work.

185. You can't do that. It wasn't my idea.

186. Nonetheless. The idea came from your department,

187. and as head of the department it's your nuts on the block.

188. - Oh, Mr Reynholm... - Don't worry, Jen.

189. Just make it as sexy as hell and watch the money pour in.

190. Sexy, sexy, sexy. Every page sexier than the last.

191. Mr Reynholm...

192. Oh, grans... Grans aren't sexy. That's not gonna make any money.

193. What kind of society are we living in?

194. What?

195. Apparently we are living in the kind of society

196. that sees a man who just wants to take naked photos of some old ladies

197. as some sort of weirdo!

198. Who deserves to be chased and shouted at and beaten... and chased...

199. Did you tell them it's for the boss-eyeds?

200. Oh, I did, I did.

201. I did tell them that, Jen, and you know what? They just laughed at me.

202. What?

203. They just laughed at me, Jen. They don't care about the boss-eyeds.

204. Wait, Roy. You know what? Maybe we should rethink the theme a little bit.

205. "Grans of the girls of the 7th floor" - it's such a mouthful.

206. Why don't we just bring it back to "Girls of the 7th floor"?

207. - You said it was sexist. - Oh, ppfftt! It's empowering!

208. Sexist! How dare you be so patronising?

209. Oh, you... Whoa-whoa-whoa...

210. And you'd enjoy it, Roy.

211. Yeah, you'd love to take those photos, wouldn't you?

212. You'd enjoy taking those photos. I bet you would.

213. You'd enjoy that a lot more.

214. D'you know what I'm talking about? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

215. - I don't know, Jen. - Oh, come on!

216. No, no. I don't think Kimberly would like it.

217. And I don't want to make any wrong moves there. I cannot blow this one.

218. Kimberly is the best thing that has ever happened to me,

219. and she hasn't really happened to me yet.

220. We are not gonna make any money with grannies.

221. I'm back!

222. - What? What do you mean? - I'm back. From holiday.

223. - You were on holiday? - Yes, I was on holiday.

224. - Oh, that's right... - Yes, yes, yes...

225. You didn't know I was on holiday?

226. No, no, no, we did. Where did you go?

227. You didn't know I was on holiday!

228. Oh, we did, we did... We missed you.

229. I've been gone a week!

230. - A week? - Wow!

231. - Hm... - What?

232. - You know what's very in at the moment? - I don't.

233. Geeks. You lot.

234. The whole nerd thing. Geek chic. It's very in.

235. So?

236. So it's a calendar that celebrates scientific achievement?

237. - That's right. - About time!

238. Think of it as an opportunity to re-enact all of your favourite moments

239. from the history of science.

240. And maths?

241. - And maths. - Yes!

242. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

243. - Yep? - OK, are they all there?

244. - Yep. - You rounded up your best-looking friends?

245. Yep.

246. OK, great, Roy. Remember, it's gotta be sexy. Sexy, sexy, sexy.

247. Yep.

248. OK, so... if the rest of you want to take lunch...

249. I'll do Moss first.

250. Laters.

251. So I'll hold up the beaker like, "Ah! I've discovered something."

252. - Exactly. Yes. - But what have I discovered?

253. - It doesn't matter. - I think it does a bit, actually.

254. Um, OK, you have discovered... nuclear bombs.

255. In a beaker?

256. You're right. It's surprising. So give me "surprised".

257. Yeah! That's it.

258. And it's confusing.

259. Yes. You're "confused".

260. And you are afraid of the consequences... Give me fear! Fear!

261. Yeah. That's good. That's good.

262. OK, nice, nice.

263. And... if... if you're hot or anything, Moss,

264. maybe you could undo some buttons on your shirt.

265. No, I'm all right, thanks, Roy.

266. Maybe just undo your top button.

267. Why?

268. It's hot. It's a hot lab. Because of all the... fusion.

269. - Fission! - Fission. Yeah.

270. That's it.

271. Maybe just one more button.

272. OK. That's good.

273. And maybe you could, er... maybe you could get down on all fours.

274. Why?

275. Because you had some microscopic nuclear things and you dropped them.

276. - Oh, did I? Oh... - Big klutz!

277. - Oh, nightmare! Oh... - They're down there somewhere.

278. - It's a pain. Oh, where are they? - Yeah... And you're getting angry.

279. - Well, I would. It's frustrating. - Because you can't find them.

280. - Arhhh... - Arrhh! Grrr!

281. You know how you growl if you can't find stuff.

282. - Grrr! - That's it.

283. And there are other people in the lab and they're being so noisy.

284. OK. Shh!

285. - That's it. - Shh!

286. - Bit less of... - Yes.

287. And... and then it occurs to you

288. that maybe you put your microscopic nuclear things in your back pocket.

289. Oh, did I? Oh...

290. That's a pain. Why would they be there? And yet I've put them there.

291. - Yeah. - It's strange.

292. Yeah...

293. - You're working hard. You're tired. - Well, I've been busy.

294. - Oh, they're being noisy again. Shush them. - Shh! Shh! Shh!

295. - That's good, Moss. Yeah... - Shh!

296. OK, so just give me a cheeky sort of "I've been a naughty boy" look.

297. But I've just solved Fermat's Theorem.

298. Yes, but... you solved it in a way

299. that the stuffed shirts of the time would've found very naughty.

300. Am I Fermat? Because if I am, these clothes are wrong.

301. Yeah... You're more... You're a naughty mathematician.

302. Roy, you're doing it wrong. The lighting is all wrong.

303. The pictures are gonna be very gloomy, Roy. This whole set-up is inadequate.

304. It's a celebration. You've just discovered penicillin.

305. But why are our tops off?

306. I always take my top off when I'm celebrating. Don't you?

307. Oh, yeah, I suppose so. Yeah, of course.

308. OK... Cavort!

309. That's it.

310. Yeah!

311. Thank God for all that penicillin.

312. Touch each other in a celebratory way.

313. Yeah! That's it.

314. Yeah... Yes...

315. That's good.

316. That's it. Ruffle your hair.

317. That's good. OK. Nice, nice.

318. That's it. Look over like that...

319. You... pick him up, like a wheelbarrow,

320. and you walk with him, and then you come in this way. OK?

321. Like any form of discrimination, it should be stopped.

322. But we can only do so with your help.

323. That's right— we're looking at you.

324. Thank you. I just wanted to say a few words.

325. Hey, come on. We did it.

326. This is exciting, isn't it?

327. Reynholm Industries' first sexy new charity calendar.

328. Come on, goofy! We wanna see the calendar!

329. I can't wait.

330. I hereby announce that speech over and the calendar ready to go.

331. And I think I speak for all men here

332. when I say I can't wait to get that box open

333. and feast my eyes upon its sexy contents!

334. Whoa! Someone's played an awful prank.

335. There's nothing here but gloomy pictures of morons.

336. No, not morons. Geeks. They're sexy now - you know, geek chic.

337. Geek chic? I wanna tear my eyes out!

338. This is horrible! Horrible!

339. - This is your fault. - It was Roy's idea.

340. You idiot! I wouldn't buy this and it's in aid of me!

341. - I didn't do it. - I'm talking to her!

342. It's hard to tell with your mad eyes.

343. - Sorry we're late. - Oh, here are the calendars! Brilliant!

344. Oh, great! We're on a calendar. Box-fresh!

345. There goes the entire audience for our calendar.

346. And they got it for free.

347. Roy, I don't care that no one liked the calendar.

348. That was... the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.

349. - Really? - Really.

350. The doctor's already changed my catheter.

351. Roy? What's wrong?

352. Uh... Nothing.

353. Er, no, I... Don't let me stop the kissing. Let's...

354. Shhh...

355. Nnah!

356. - Oh, no... - Roy, are you OK?

357. Mm. I'm just tired.

358. Let's... Oh...

359. Cavort!

360. - You're doing it wrong. - Cavort!

361. - You're doing it wrong. - The doctor's already changed my catheter.

362. Aaarrrhh!

363. Roy, what is it?

364. Kimberly...

365. it's not gonna work out.