The IT Crowd 2x5

Directed by Graham Linehan

Cordelia Bugeja as Abi • Matt Berry as Douglas Reynholm • Richard Attlee as Stephen Premel • Amelia Bullmore as Helen Buley • Gemma Cousins as BBC Woman

When Jen complains about her bad bra, Moss attempts to create the world's most perfect bra. When he succeeds, he attempts to get onto the BBC show Dragon's Den to demonstrate it, which turns out a bit awkward.

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1. Morning, beautiful.

2. Course. I'll send someone up as soon as I can, OK? Bye.

3. Ow! Oh!

4. You're very late. It's been crazy down here, we've had a call.

5. - Sorry. - Oh, God.

6. Are you all right?

7. - Are you poorly? - No, it's just... it's just a bad bra.

8. It's the only one I had handy this morning and it's really terrible.

9. It's pinching into my sides and the straps are digging into my shoulders.

10. All that and it's not even giving my breasts proper support! It's killing me.

11. - Oh, Moss.

12. Moss, Moss.

13. - Oh, I'm sorry, are you OK? - What happened?

14. Sometimes I forget I'm not just working with other women.

15. No, it's my fault, I really ought to be able to listen to a woman talking about bras without...

16. Ohhh! Moss, Moss.

17. Oh, hello, good morning, here I am. Here we go.

18. Oh, yeah... Sorry.

19. The first time, l-I wasn't expecting you to start talking about bras

20. and then, the second time, it came as a bit of a surprise to hear myself talking about them.

21. - It's been a rollercoaster. - Why don't you have a lie-down in there?

22. - Morning. - Morning.

23. God, I feel rough.

24. - Good stag? - Yeah. Good, you know. Standard stag.

25. I may have got a little bit drunk towards the end there.

26. Oh, well, what kind of celebration would it be if you didn't pass out at some point?

27. Yeah, thank God nobody noticed. How do you know I passed out?

28. I'm a bit psychic sometimes,

29. and I bet you came straight from the party as well, didn't you?

30. - That's easy, I'm wearing the same clothes.

31. Roy, I was trying to remember how that song goes, "The Locomotion".

32. - Do you remember that song? - Course I remember.

33. - How's it go again? - You know it, you must know it.

34. It is a funny song.

35. - You all right there? - Yep. It's just a bad bra.

36. - Ah. - Right, I have got to go.

37. Heads of department meeting.

38. After last week's fiasco, I need to make a good impression.

39. We didn't think you'd believe us.

40. I mean, if you'd just stopped to think about it for one second

41. you'd have realised that it wasn't true.

42. I don't think that's true.

43. With all due respect, John, I am head of IT.

44. And I have it on good authority.

45. If you type "google" into Google,

46. you can break the internet,

47. so, please, no one try it, even for a joke.

48. It's not a laughing matter. You can break the internet.

49. You don't know what those meetings are like. They are murder.

50. It does you no harm to look a little foolish from time to time.

51. Roy, there's something I should let you know.

52. What?

53. Stephanie called earlier. Douglas needs someone to take a look at his computer.

54. No, no, no, no, no, no. Get Moss to do it.

55. Oh, Moss isn't feeling too well, and besides, of the two of you, you're the expert.

56. "The Ordinary Boys".

57. - Where do they get these crazy names?

58. Entrare!

59. Hi, Mr Reynholm. Roy, IT.

60. Uh, my computer's... my computer's broken.

61. Wow, I have to say that's a really wild look.

62. You know, things are moving just so fast, I can't keep up.

63. First the Ordinary Boys, and now this.

64. - Sh-should I check it out? - Great, yeah.

65. - Let's get started, shall we? - What?

66. What needs my expertise?

67. You... you did say you were with IT, didn't you?

68. Yeah.

69. Come on, Mr Reynholm, while I'm down here, I may as well get to work.

70. OK, I'm gonna move over here.

71. Sure.

72. Ah, I can see why you've been having problems.

73. See, this isn't actually a computer. It's a briefcase.

74. - Excellent. - I'll have one sent up.

75. I admire you, Roy.

76. You've got the guts to stand up for what you believe in.

77. OK. See you, then.

78. Roy...

79. Good luck.

80. which means that we now have the cleanest toilets of any legal department in London.

81. - Thank you. - Well done, James.

82. You managed to speak for eight minutes without actually saying anything.

83. - Oh, I think that, um... - What? What?

84. No, nothing.

85. Who's next? Right, Jen. OK, what's going on down in Middle-earth?

86. Thank you, John, and prepare to be astonished,

87. because I have discovered four ways to increase our online visibility

88. without spending a single penny.

89. Number one...

90. Oh!

91. Uh... Ha! 'Scuse me, sorry.

92. Number one... Aah!

93. Number o... Aaah!

94. - The bloody thing! - For God's sake!

95. Bloody thing. Bloody pain in the arse.

96. I'm a woman.

97. Ohh!

98. It's really pinching my sides. The straps are digging into my shoulders.

99. Eh, Moss, look - I'm a woman.

100. - (Roy) And I love you, Moss.

101. I love you.

102. (Jen) The straps are digging into my shoulders.

103. They're not giving my breasts proper support... proper support...

104. proper support... proper support...

105. Hang on a second.

106. Hang on a second.

107. I've done it.

108. I've done it!

109. - Hello. - Hello, Jen.

110. Who is this?

111. That's not important right now.

112. Well, it says "Moss" on my phone.

113. Yes, all right, it's me.

114. Why are you disguising your voice?

115. Because if someone is listening in on this conversation,

116. I don't want them to know my identity.

117. - But they know now. - Yes, thanks.

118. So why don't you use your normal voice now?

119. It's attached to the phone and I'd have to hang it up again...

120. Look, can you just listen to me?

121. Why don't you just come in and speak to me?

122. Oh, you're...

123. - You're ruining everything. - What do you want, Moss?

124. Take your top off, Jen.

125. - Sorry? - You heard me. Take your top off.

126. - What's this all about, anyway? - You'll see.

127. - Is this another one of your inventions? - Maybe.

128. What was the last one? Oh, yeah.

129. A ladder to help moths escape from the bath.

130. - How was that useful? - How's that not useful?

131. - Moths don't get stuck in baths. - Yes. They. Do.

132. Even if that were true,

133. it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder.

134. They have wings.

135. When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards...

136. a ladder

137. is just the last thing they would think of.

138. Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless.

139. Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them,

140. along with this slice of humble pie

141. that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark egg on your face.

142. I sort of forget what I was talking about.

143. Ah, here's Jen. Oh, that's it, it's a bra. I've made a brilliant bra.

144. How are ye?

145. Is it, uh... comfortable?

146. This is possibly the most comfortable bra I have ever worn.

147. Donning clothes over a bad bra is like building a house without laying a foundation.

148. It's just a false economy,

149. and an ill-fitting bra could well ruin your otherwise painstakingly selected ensemble.

150. - Wow, you really know your stuff. - Thank you.

151. - Google? - Yeah.

152. Jen, Roy, bad bras are more than just a nuisance, they're a menace.

153. Years of wearing a bad bra can contribute to upper back and shoulder pain.

154. It can even lead to headaches.

155. So, what makes this bra different?

156. - It can never go bad. - What do you mean?

157. Tiny elements of fisilca rub together

158. to prevent the fabric from resting too long in any one position.

159. It's a living bra.

160. The effect would be rather like having a large pair of man's hands

161. holding the breasts in position.

162. But the bra will go bad. All bras go bad.

163. Not this one, Jen. But don't take my word for it - take it out for a spin.

164. - So what's it called? - I call it... the Abracadabra!

165. - You are kidding me. - No.

166. You're really going on Dragons' Den?

167. I've got an interview today with the producers at the BBC.

168. Oh, that is just huge. You're gonna be on telly.

169. I know, but you've got to keep this under your respective hats.

170. So if anyone asks for me, my name is Stephen Jennel.

171. - Why Stephen Jennel? - If my calculations are correct,

172. this could be the only bra a woman need ever buy.

173. Do you know what Playtex would do to me if they knew about the Abracadabra?

174. - What would they do? - They would kill me, Jen.

175. I don't know if they'd kill you, Moss.

176. Playtex have changed a lot over the last few years.

177. Nonetheless, I want complete secrecy on this one,

178. so if anyone asks for me, my name is Stephen Fennel.

179. I chose Stephen Fennel because it's easy to remember.

180. Right. Except, well, you did say Stephen Jennel earlier.

181. Smoke and mirrors, Roy. Is it Fennel, is it Jennel?

182. If I don't know, how will they?

183. Who am I, Roy? I'm a ghost. I'm a shadow. I'm gone. Pfffff!

184. Hello, Moss speaking.

185. Well done. Good presentation.

186. Thanks, James.

187. Jen, a word.

188. I've got Helen Buley coming in tomorrow. Do you know who she is?

189. Of course I do.

190. She's been made head of BHDR Industries, so obviously we need to make friends.

191. I know. BHDR Industries,

192. they're the top makers of that product that has something to do with our company.

193. Exactly. I want you up front at that meeting.

194. We can't have Helen going back to BHDR saying Reynholm Industries is a boys' club.

195. - How does that sound? - Oh, sounds great.

196. All right, see you tomorrow.

197. Stephen Premel.

198. Oh, hello. Yeah, I'm Stephen Premel.

199. - I think. - You're very late. Quick.

200. Hello. Stephen Premel. I'm afraid I'm very late.

201. Um, what exactly, um, is?

202. Um... Yep...

203. Gavin Briers there, with developments in North Korea.

204. It's five years since the war in Iraq began.

205. The conflict rages on with no hope of a solution in sight.

206. I'm joined by Stephen Premel, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence.

207. - Mr Premel... - Hello. Hello.

208. Uh, Iraq is a gigantic and bloody mess, isn't it?

209. Yes.

210. - Well, how do you explain it? - Well, we shouldn't have gone to war.

211. - You think the invasion was a mistake? - Oh, yes.

212. I'm astonished that you should agree to this so readily

213. when your department must take a lot of the blame.

214. What? We didn't do anything.

215. Well, you raised no objection in the run-up to the war.

216. Yes, I did. I signed a petition.

217. Sorry?

218. I'm sorry, I'm confused. When can I start talking about my bra?

219. Oh, Jen, can you bring me the prototype?

220. There are a couple of glitches I need to iron out.

221. Sure. Guess who I'm about to meet now.

222. Helen Buley.

223. Oh, come on.

224. She took that football team to court for institutional sexism, won massive damages,

225. and now she's head CEO at BHDR Industries.

226. Sorry, I kinda switched off after the word "football".

227. Did you see it? Did you see it? Is he in?

228. Is he? Aaah, ha-ha!

229. There I am,

230. catching up with the news events of the day,

231. when who should appear upon my television screen?

232. It's only the Ministry of Defence.

233. Oh, the news, Dragons' Den - you're all over the schedules.

234. I'm sorry, Moss, but are you really sure that you're ready to go on Dragons' Den?

235. - Yes. It's a brilliant product. - Oh, no. Don't get me wrong.

236. You have got the science down, but it's... well, it's all the other stuff, isn't it?

237. - What other stuff? - OK, well...

238. OK, let's say this staple is science.

239. You're good at this.

240. What you're not so good at...

241. is everything else in the world.

242. But that's where I come in. I can help you with all this other stuff,

243. you know, give you some tips on business and presentation,

244. leaving you free to concentrate on this.

245. - What's in it for you? - A cut.

246. - All right, you're in for half a percent. - Oh!

247. 25%.

248. Half a percent.

249. Deal.

250. OK, first thing we need to do is buy the rights for the word "Abracadabra".

251. Agreed, but before that we've got to sort out the overheating problem.

252. "Overheating problem"?

253. Yes, it's got a very, very serious overheating problem.

254. I'll have it sorted by next week, though. Just need to get it back off Jen.

255. which has led to significant gains in this area

256. and an overall yield of 22%.

257. Thank you very much. Jen, is it?

258. Yes, Miss Buley.

259. Please. Helen.

260. Uh-huh. OK, Helen.

261. I think as the only two women in the room we can dispense with formalities, don't you?

262. Reynholm Industries has come a long way in the past two years

263. if a young woman like this can blossom within its walls.

264. I remember when the atmosphere here was a lot less conducive

265. to what I can remember one executive calling "working skirt".

266. Yes, well, I think we're all a little older and a little wiser now, Helen.

267. One would hope so.

268. - Are you OK, Jen?

269. My tits.

270. Oh! Ooh! Ohhh!

271. Oh, my tits are hot.

272. Oh! Oh, they're really, really hot.

273. Ohh! Oh, my tits are on fire.

274. Yep, my tits are on fire. They are on fire. My tits are on fire!

275. Oh! Aargh!

276. Oh, yeah! You're right.

277. - 4O%. - 2O%.

278. - 4O. - 4O?

279. You owe me, Moss.

280. Helen Buley has gone away thinking I was a stripper,

281. hired as a prank.

282. But 4O%, Jen, be reasonable.

283. I have two black rings around here.

284. - I could sue you and get everything. - All right, all right.

285. Good, thank you. Now we can concentrate on your presentation.

286. Hey, hold on! I'm doing presentation.

287. - Where'd you get pizza? - Some idiot left it in the toilet.

288. I am doing presentation.

289. Whoa. No, hold on. Moss is my best friend, and I'm damned if I'm gonna let...

290. - Do something else. - Like what?

291. I don't know. Fitness.

292. Fitness? People do need to be fit to go on Dragons' Den.

293. Come on, Moss, you're keeping the Dragons waiting.

294. - (Jen) Wow. - (Roy) Hey.

295. - Jen, Roy. - You look amazing.

296. Thank you.

297. You sorted out the overheating problem?

298. I'm completely sure that I've absolutely sorted out the overheating problem, yes.

299. - Unless I've made it even worse.

300. - How do you feel? Do you feel ready? - My middle name is Ready.

301. No, that doesn't sound right. I eat ready for breakfast.

302. OK, uh... maybe... maybe don't talk too much. Let the product do the talking.

303. What do I do when they want me to do the talking?

304. - You're scaring him. - Oh, don't be scared, Moss.

305. This is one of the biggest moments of your life coming up.

306. You cannot get nervous now, because if you do, Moss, it'll be a disaster. A disaster!

307. - Don't! Shut up! - I don't want to do it. I feel trapped,

308. like a moth in a bath.

309. Moss, we're already late.

310. Will you come on with me?

311. - What? - Please.

312. Well, actually, maybe it's just the thing.

313. If Helen Buley sees it, she'll realise I'm a proper professional,

314. and not a member of the sex industry. Are you sure?

315. I'm positive. You can do presentation.

316. And I'll do fitness.

317. Jen, Roy and Maurice are ITprofessionals with Reynholm Industries.

318. They walk up the stairs and across the room.

319. They nod at the Dragons.

320. One of them - Maurice - puts a case on a chair.

321. The Dragons are beside piles of money, with pens.

322. Women in the workplace...

323. - (man) Take your time. - Err...

324. Sorry.

325. Women working in a workplace environment...

326. work...

327. in workplaces...

328. um... where they work.

329. And... as a woman,

330. as a worker,

331. as a woman worker who

332. works in the workplace...

333. Sorry, bit of asthma.

334. We are looking for L4OO, OOO for 2%.

335. Have you got any questions?

336. Wow.

337. This music sounds like it comes from space.

338. - Yeah, mate. - It does.

339. Ordinary boys they ain't.

340. I'm having a good time. Yeah.

341. This is good. Good shit.