The IT Crowd 1x5

Directed by Graham Linehan

Chris Morris as Denholm Reynholm • Pete Deagle as Office Worker • Jim Alexander as Rupert • Adam Buxton as Bill Crouse • Cheryl Fergison as Judy

When her date Bill turns out to be a jerk, Jen asks Moss to send him away if he stops by. When he does and Moss can't convince him to leave, Moss has to lie and ends up telling Bill that Jen is dead.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. There we go.

2. Do it properly.

3. Cheers.

4. Bill.

5. Mick Hucknall.

6. Hey, this is fun.

7. Yeah, I'll be honest when Julie suggested we get together,

8. I was like no, you know I get set up a lot by friends

9. and it never works out.

10. Oh, tell me about it. Me too.

11. You know I hate dates usually.

12. "spend some time with a big fat loser."

13. But this has been brilliant.

14. Hey um,

15. I was thinking afterwards

16. maybe you'd like to come back to my place.

17. We could listen to the new Jamie Cullum album.

18. Yeah, yeah, that would be really nice actually.

19. Great.

20. you're a red wine person.

21. Yes. Yes, I am.

22. if we could get some service round here.

23. Yeah, you Hucknall,

24. when you're simply ready.

25. Unbelievable.

26. Oh, I should say I don't really like sharing,

27. so you get what you want,

28. I'll get what I want and we'll leave it at that,

29. I just think it's a lot less confusing.

30. Sure, sure. Did you say Jamie Cullum?

31. - Yeah. - Yeah, I hate Jamie Cullum.

32. Oh, and just to say I don't really like sharing

33. with the rise in infection and everything.

34. In a Tapas restaurant he doesn't like sharing.

35. What the heck is Tapas?

36. You know Tapas, tiny food from Spain.

37. Oh, Yes, Tape-as?

38. Yeah, that's not how you say it.

39. Yes, it is.

40. You're a Tape-as.

41. What else? What else?

42. Oh, god, you should have seen him with the waiters.

43. Rude?

44. Unbelievable.

45. Oh, yeah, I used to work as a waiter.

46. I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

47. Oh, my god, before you brought it to their table?

48. No after.

49. Of course, before. Why would I do it after?

50. Well, do you think they did that to him?

51. Okay, well, while he was eating,

52. did you hear anyone laughing, like in the kitchen area?

53. Yes!

54. Yes, I did actually, yes, I did.

55. That will be trouser food!

56. Oh, god!

57. Probably a good thing you weren't sharing.

58. Oh, my god!

59. That guy is famous, he's a mouth.

60. because he's always talking about who he slept with.

61. Oh, well, I would honestly rather

62. sleep with a rat, literally.

63. The thing I can't understand yeah,

64. this, this is a man Julie

65. on fifth thinks is perfect for me.

66. I mean what was she thinking.

67. Wait a second, who do you know on fifth?

68. What was the name? Judy or Julie?

69. Why do you need to know?

70. No reason.

71. Lots of nice looking girls on fifth.

72. Looking for an 'in,' are we?

73. An 'in'? No thank you. No.

74. Don't use my name to start letching around on fifth.

75. For your information I do not letch.

76. I have a little more class than that thank you very much.

77. - Post! - Thank you.

78. Oh, no, this is a wrong

79. a lingerie catalogue for a Cathy Morganforman.

80. I'll er make sure that Cathy gets it.

81. Who is Cathy Morganforman? Who's Cathy Morganforman?

82. Cathy works in, Cathy,

83. Cathy works in the department of er Shaloopest.

84. Oh, excuse me, that's my phone ringing.

85. I didn't hear anything.

86. It's on vibrate. Hello?

87. yes, your parcel did arrive.

88. I'm keeping it here safe for you.

89. No problem at all, Cathy Morganforman.

90. If he comes by...

91. If who comes by?

92. 'The News.'

93. If he calls, just tell him something.

94. Leave it with me.

95. Although I should just say I'm not very good at lying.

96. I'm very good at lying.

97. I thought you were on the phone.

98. Yeah, I am. Yes, I'm fine.

99. Hello?

100. Listen, Moss,

101. you're not going to court, yeah?

102. Yeah, it's just I've never been very good

103. at judging the scale of the lie...

104. Yes, stop over thinking everything, yeah,

105. you're getting yourself into a tizz.

106. It's really quite straight forward,

107. just tell him I'm busy.

108. You're busy. That's brilliant.

109. Just don't let him in here under any circumstances.

110. No. You're busy.

111. What was the name of that girl that Jen knows.

112. Was it Julie or Judy?

113. Yes, one of those.

114. Okay, I'm just going to go for a letch on fifth.

115. Look I told you she's busy.

116. Hey, back off buster, this lady's busy.

117. Too busy for you. Busy, brilliant.

118. Hello.

119. Hello.

120. I'm just looking for Jen.

121. I'm afraid Jen can't see you at the moment,

122. she's very busy.

123. She's a busy Miss Lizzie. Goodbye.

124. What's she doing?

125. She's doing fine.

126. Not how is she doing. What's she doing?

127. Er, er...

128. - Is she in here? - No.

129. She won't like them. - She won't mind.

130. Look, why can't I go in?

131. Because she's dead.

132. Yeah, she's dead. She, she died.

133. She died last night.

134. She died?

135. Yeah. Completely.

136. Oh, god! I just can't believe it.

137. Well, I'd hardly make up something like that, would I?

138. No, of course, of course not.

139. Oh, God!

140. Well, she was a bit off at the restaurant.

141. I mean was it the food? The Tapas do they know?

142. Tape-as. I don't know.

143. Yes, it was, why not, yeah.

144. Oh, Jesus.

145. Oh, I know it's terrible but thank god

146. we weren't sharing.

147. I just can't get over it.

148. Yeah, well, we all have to go sometime.

149. It's terrible, it's just terrible.

150. It's bloody awful.

151. She was so beautiful.

152. She was some piece of ass.

153. Anyway can't mourn all the ruddy day so...

154. I was the last person to sleep with her.

155. Really? She said that...

156. She said she was looking forward to sleeping with you.

157. I can't believe he lied like that.

158. Doesn't he realise that lying can lead

159. to very serious ramifications.

160. Hello?

161. Hello,

162. I'm Roy. I.T.

163. My boss has assigned me to take on any work

164. that you might want done personally.

165. Personally.

166. Basically if you want to,

167. just take my card.

168. And if you need anything done to your computer

169. just give me a buzz on the phone,

170. my mobile phone though.

171. all that call waiting palaver.

172. Okay, thank you, Roy.

173. You're welcome, Judy.

174. Oh, I'm not Judy, I'm Julie.

175. Judy?

176. Someone to see you.

177. This man says you're to take his card.

178. The girl from I.T. that's terrible.

179. I know terrible, terrible thing.

180. You know I was actually the last person

181. to sleep with her.

182. Very sudden, yes.

183. I hear, it was some bad Tapas.

184. Tape-as. Yes.

185. You must be stunned.

186. I'm flabbergasted.

187. Well, you know where we are if you need us.

188. Sure. I— I'll be fine thanks.

189. Just sort of stay away from this whole area

190. while we come to terms with the loss.

191. Leave me now. I would be alone.

192. Oh, God! Oh!

193. Good letch?

194. No. The girl.

195. Oh, my god, the girl Judy she's um,

196. have you seen this girl?

197. What's she like?

198. Well, she has hair on her eyes.

199. Who has hair on her eyes?

200. Not you.

201. No. I'm going for a coffee.

202. Anyone want anything? No? Okay, bye.

203. - Hello. Hello.

204. Oh, hello, Judy. What can I do for you?

205. Computer's broken.

206. Is it a PC or a Mac?

207. Yes.

208. Well, what's wrong with it?

209. Broken down.

210. Yeah, broken down how, Judy?

211. Bing bong noise.

212. Bing bong noise.

213. What's the precise nature of the problem?

214. Judy the battery on my phone is...

215. Look at this.

216. What?

217. How nice is this?

218. I just got a big load of flowers

219. and a big card and everyone has signed it.

220. You will always be in our hearts.

221. My god and you said they weren't nice here.

222. Yeah.

223. I don't understand why they've done this.

224. Why? I'll tell you for why.

225. It's because everyone thinks you're brilliant.

226. Really?

227. in fact everyone thinks you're so brilliant

228. they've just made you employee of the month.

229. - No! - Yes.

230. - No! - Yeah, aha.

231. I don't believe it.

232. Please believe it.

233. Oh, my god,

234. Oh, I didn't even know they had

235. employee of the month here.

236. No,

237. they brought it in just for you.

238. I'm going to go up and thank everybody right now.

239. No, don't do that.

240. What? Why not?

241. They'll be embarrassed.

242. It's embarrassing being thanked.

243. Don't be silly.

244. Events seem to be taking a downward turn.

245. I told you stop calling me at work.

246. Oh, it's the beautiful Jen.

247. Hello, Small Paul.

248. Didn't I hear,

249. I thought you were sick or something?

250. Sick? Me? No.

251. I've just won employee of the month.

252. So you going my way?

253. Don't you dare go too fast. No! No!

254. Just hard to get your head round you know.

255. One minute she's there and the next minute

256. You know I was the last person that slept with her actually.

257. She held on so tightly you know it was like,

258. it was scary, but sexy scary you know it was like...

259. Jen?

260. What are you still doing here, Bill?

261. For God's sake go home.

262. He was the last person to sleep with her.

263. Apparently she was pretty hot stuff.

264. Bye Small Paul.

265. Bye Jen, see you.

266. Oh, oh, dear. Oh, law.

267. Oh.

268. At this dreadful hour,

269. we're all reminded how brief our time is here on earth.

270. Sorry, who was it who died?

271. I don't know.

272. I believe Mr. Reynholm has a few words.

273. There's one more angel in heaven.

274. God, I miss Jen,

275. she reminded me of me at her age.

276. I mean when I was her age she reminded me of her age.

277. She reminded me of my age at her age.

278. When I was her age, she was reminded of me.

279. I grew to like Jen and that enlikening of her

280. became a friendship.

281. A friendship which ended so suddenly

282. just twelve hours ago after what I gather was

283. a rather sensational evening with Bill Crouse.

284. Bill, you dog.

285. Where is he?

286. Still cleaning himself off?

287. She was special.

288. that when I called my close personal friend

289. Elton John and told him about her,

290. he dropped everything and offered to come here

291. and perform for us.

292. You heard me, he's in the building

293. Elton John is going to sing

294. a beautiful song about death.

295. Oh, my god, this is so, so lovely.

296. Thank you so, so much.

297. Thank you, thank you. Oh, god.

298. Can I say a few words.

299. Oh, my god.

300. Thank you so, so much.

301. I would, I would not be standing up here today

302. if it wasn't for so many people,

303. not least dad without him...

304. Hey, she isn't dead.

305. Yeah.

306. Boooo!

307. You lying cow.

308. We want Elton. We want Elton.

309. We want Elton. We want Elton.

310. Okay, if that Judy woman comes down,

311. I don't work here you've never seen me,

312. just make up something, just get rid of her.

313. She's easy to spot she has three rows of teeth.

314. Listen, if I needed to get out of the country

315. how would I go about doing that?

316. Hiya.

317. What did you say about me?

318. Hello there, Jen.

319. I would love to stay and chat

320. but I've just received a telephone call saying

321. that my father has just killed someone.

322. I need to attend to.

323. Did you tell everyone I was dead?

324. Maybe.

325. Because they—

326. They all thought I was dead.

327. Argh!

328. What? What do you know?

329. Bill Crouse, he's saying you slept with him last night.

330. He's saying what?

331. He's the one you should be angry at not me.

332. I'm not insignificant.

333. Bastard!

334. Voicemail.

335. Hey, it's Jen.

336. Stop telling everyone I slept with you.

337. You bastard!

338. Must have gone home.

339. Oh, god, my throat hurts.

340. Well, it's probably all that shouting.

341. I'm talking, aren't I?

342. Can you get me his address?

343. Yes, it might be a bit difficult,

344. I have to hack into his private company account,

345. it might take some time.

346. There we go.

347. Oh, I really don't feel very Well,

348. Well, you look terrible.

349. I'm still talking, aren't I?

350. You have one new message.

351. Hey, it's Jen

352. stop telling people I slept with you.

353. You bastard!

354. Where's Roy?

355. Roy's dead.

356. Aaaaah!

357. No, don't break down.

358. Don't break down.

359. Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

360. Bloody hell.

361. I don't know what any of this does.

362. Oh, my god, it's bloody hopeless

363. I don't know what any of it means.

364. Oh, come on, come on.

365. Oh, my god. Okay, right.

366. It's one of you guys, probably guys,

367. leaving a message, funny message,

368. probably Bob.

369. It's Bob leaving funny messages

370. and a floating head.

371. You're stressed, a bit stressed,

372. it's all just fun and games.

373. Oh, god!

374. Let me in. Let me in.

375. No!

376. It's raining! Please let me in.

377. Oh, God, you're never coming in.

378. Stop telling people I slept with you.

379. I will, I will, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

380. You bastard!

381. You bastard!

382. Oh, I'm sorry.

383. You bastard!

384. Small Paul, you're gone now

385. Pushed that trolley a little too hard

386. You felt a twinge it was your heart

387. And you're dead now

388. And though you were only four feet eleven

389. Gates of heaven. You're no longer around...

390. I don't think that's Elton John.

391. We're all the same height when we're lying down.