1. For a man with an internet
history as exotic as Simon'sCopy !req
2. emergency family meetings
were never good news.Copy !req
3. - We've been waiting for you, Simon.
- Sorry, I was busy! I have a life, too!Copy !req
4. And what's so important we need a meeting,
like businessmen or something?Copy !req
5. Well, I don't really know where to start.
My company are making people redundant.Copy !req
6. I've managed to keep my job,
but it means moving to Swansea.Copy !req
7. - Where's that? Is it far?
- It's in Wales.Copy !req
8. - You must have heard of Swansea, Simon.
- I haven't.Copy !req
9. - And I'm not moving to fucking Wales.
- Hey, mind your language.Copy !req
10. I know it's a lot to take in,
but please try and stay calm.Copy !req
11. It's been an incredibly
tough decision for us to make. I mean,Copy !req
12. - I would have been out of a job!
- Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?Copy !req
13. What about me? What about my friends,
my other relationships?Copy !req
14. - Your what?
- And my exams?Copy !req
15. One minute, you're like, "Revise, revise,
revise," the next you're moving me to Swansea!Copy !req
16. We've spoken to the examination board and
you'll be able to sit the same exams in Swansea,Copy !req
17. - you'll just do them at a local college.
- I'm not going.Copy !req
18. How's that suit your fucking plans?Copy !req
19. I'll get a flat with Jay.
I'm 18, you can't stop me.Copy !req
20. Me and Jay'll get a flat and
Andrew can come and live with us.Copy !req
21. No, thanks.Copy !req
22. Boys, I promise I'll make
this work for us all.Copy !req
23. I love you both so much.Copy !req
24. Oh, that's all right, then,
well done!Copy !req
25. Brilliant, you've effectively ended my life.
Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me?Copy !req
26. Or better still have me taken
to the vets and secretly put down,Copy !req
27. just like you did with Patch!Copy !req
28. But after he'd slept on it,
Simon was even more unreasonable.Copy !req
29. He's a total selfish wanker! I don't understand
why he doesn't just get another job!Copy !req
30. It's not like he's even well paid. He's in
his fucking 40s, his life is practically over.Copy !req
31. - What is Swansea? Is it an animal?
- It's a place.Copy !req
32. - It don't sound near.
- It's in Wales.Copy !req
33. - Mate, they say it's well grim up north.
- Yes, but Wales isn't up north, Jay.Copy !req
34. Wherever, Michael fucking Palin,
it's not round here!Copy !req
35. No, but on the plus side,
I've heard Swansea's quite nice.Copy !req
36. - Really? Who from?
- A friend of my gran's.Copy !req
37. - Is that to make me feel better?
- It's all I've got, I'm afraid.Copy !req
38. That's pretty much it
for me and Carli, then.Copy !req
39. I don't know. Maybe you could still not
have a relationship long distance?Copy !req
40. Good one.Copy !req
41. - Can we have a crack at her, then?
- No!Copy !req
42. - Don't be a dick. I'd love a go!
- Think about that lovely snatch.Copy !req
43. Fuck off, Neil, just fuck off!
I'm having a nightmare here!Copy !req
44. Calm down, you're not
the only one with problems!Copy !req
45. - Really? What problems do you have?
- Bent old man, wants to fuck own sister,Copy !req
46. - Mum did a legger.
- Nah, none of them,Copy !req
47. - I think I'm going to be a dad.
- Neil, you have to fuck a girl for that!Copy !req
48. I know. I did it with this bird from Asda
and now she's pregnant.Copy !req
49. - Congratulations.
- Are you serious?Copy !req
50. - No. Fucking. Way!
- So you're not a virgin any more?Copy !req
51. - Don't think so.
- Nice one, mate!Copy !req
52. I knew you'd lose your v-plates before these
sad pricks! Welcome to the shaggers club.Copy !req
53. Where only 50% of
the members have had sex.Copy !req
54. Let's back up 30 seconds.
This is very serious.Copy !req
55. - I've a couple of questions, Neil.
- Yeah?Copy !req
56. Well, what did it feel like?Copy !req
57. - It was all right.
- All right? Anything else?Copy !req
58. No-one's expecting DH Lawrence, Neil,
but did you think anything other than,Copy !req
59. "This is all right"?Copy !req
60. - My legs ached.
- I give up.Copy !req
61. - This a big deal, how did it happen?
- We was both on the cheese counterCopy !req
62. and she was being well saucy and that.
And then we went back to hers at lunch breakCopy !req
63. - and did it and now she's pregnant.
- How romantic. Are you sure she's pregnant?Copy !req
64. Yeah, she texted me. Look...Copy !req
65. "Did the test. It's positive.
Thought you should know."Copy !req
66. - Two dots and a diagonal line.
- Worried smiley,Copy !req
67. - dear God.
- Why didn't you use protection?Copy !req
68. She told me she couldn't
have any more kids.Copy !req
69. - Any more?
- Jesus Christ. How old is she, Neil?Copy !req
70. I don't know, pretty old.Copy !req
71. And have you told
anyone else about this?Copy !req
72. - Nah. I can't really talk to my dad.
- What, cos he's never seen a woman's fanny?Copy !req
73. Shut up! He's seen my mum's!Copy !req
74. Well, that don't count,
everyone's seen your mum's.Copy !req
75. - Fuck off!
- Till she ran off.Copy !req
76. I think you need to talk to Gilbert about this.
For all his flaws, he's not a bad bloke.Copy !req
77. And his role as head of Sixth is
pastoral as well as tutorial.Copy !req
78. - He's what?
- It's his job.Copy !req
79. Then I pushed it in a bit, then out a bit,
then in a bit, then my legs ached,Copy !req
80. then out again, then back in, and then it
went off, and now she's pregnant.Copy !req
81. - OK. I think I get the picture, Sutherland.
- Cool.Copy !req
82. Look, isn't this exactly
the sort of thing that TwitterCopy !req
83. - or MySpace were invented for?
- No, sir.Copy !req
84. I was going to write to the
Daily Star's problem page,Copy !req
85. with the photos, but it takes
a week to hear the advice.Copy !req
86. OK. And this "encounter",
did it take place on the school premisesCopy !req
87. - or with a fellow pupil?
- Nah.Copy !req
88. Good! Well,Copy !req
89. what I think you should do
is turn around, get out of my officeCopy !req
90. and we'll pretend this
conversation never happened.Copy !req
91. All right, cheers for that.Copy !req
92. But, sir, what about
your duty of care?Copy !req
93. That Sutherland's managed
to pass his genes on may be a disasterCopy !req
94. for mankind,
but it is not my mess to clean up.Copy !req
95. But what about the oath?Copy !req
96. Sorry to disappoint, McKenzie.Copy !req
97. Teachers don't start each day
by swearing allegianceCopy !req
98. to the education fairies
under a photo of the Queen.Copy !req
99. It's not so much a calling these days, as a
graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious.Copy !req
100. Between you and me, the only reason
anyone teaches these daysCopy !req
101. is because they've taken a more relaxed
view on police checks in recent years.Copy !req
102. Goodbye, McKenzie.Copy !req
103. They say the art of teaching
is aiding discovery.Copy !req
104. And Mr Gilbert helped me discover
that he was a wanker.Copy !req
105. Simon, God, my mum just told me
about you moving away.Copy !req
106. Oh, yeah.
It's basically the end of my life.Copy !req
107. It's so weird, I can't imagine us
being that far apart.Copy !req
108. - We're going to miss the bus.
- Anyway, I've go to go. I'll see you soon.Copy !req
109. No, I'll come with you, I'm just
waiting for my change. It's £8.Copy !req
110. - Where's my change?
- Manners.Copy !req
111. I'll see you.Copy !req
112. I suppose I just always
thought we might,Copy !req
113. - you know... We might...
- We have to go.Copy !req
114. I've got to go, I'm sorry.
I'll see you soon, Simon.Copy !req
115. What? We might what?
Say it! Come on!Copy !req
116. Make love, was it make love?Copy !req
117. Carli, make love?Copy !req
118. Where's my fucking change?Copy !req
119. Thank you.Copy !req
120. So, it had finally happened:
Carli had made Simon's brain explode.Copy !req
121. That stupid ugly bitch just
ruined it for me with Carli!Copy !req
122. She been controlling your
personality for the last 18 years?Copy !req
123. - Brilliant, yeah, good one.
- Anyway, Simon, I've been thinking,Copy !req
124. we should do something
for you before you leave.Copy !req
125. What, like give him a makeover,
sort his hair out and that?Copy !req
126. Could do. I was thinking more of
a camping trip to the countryside.Copy !req
127. Pubs, long walks,
no parents, no girls,Copy !req
128. just the four of us, the lads,
a tent and a load of beers.Copy !req
129. Sounds like a bent version
of Brokeback Mountain.Copy !req
130. - Which would be a heterosexual version.
- Is this a posho's tradition?Copy !req
131. Did your mates do the same thing
for you when you left Hogwarts?Copy !req
132. - No, they didn't.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
133. Well, I'm up for it!Copy !req
134. It'll do me good to get away,
out in the country, get me head straight.Copy !req
135. - Bring your old man, and get him straight!
- Fuck off!Copy !req
136. - I don't think I'd be much company.
- Come on, Si. It'll be a laugh.Copy !req
137. Although last time I went to
the country, I had some bother.Copy !req
138. - From locals?
- Nah, a cow.Copy !req
139. It charged me, so I had to
knock it out. One punch.Copy !req
140. Nice.Copy !req
141. I had to leg it, though,
cos its mates saw. No word of a lie,Copy !req
142. they stood up on their hind legs
and started firing milk at me from their tits.Copy !req
143. - Udders?
- Well, yeah, there were loads of them.Copy !req
144. Right. What do you reckon, Si,
fancy a weekend punching cattle?Copy !req
145. No. No. I've got two weeks left here.
And I'd rather spend themCopy !req
146. trying to finally get together with Carli,
than hanging around with you lotCopy !req
147. talking shit about cows
and fucking camping.Copy !req
148. I'll put you down as a maybe, then.Copy !req
149. That night, at 2am, I was lucky enough
to be woken by a callCopy !req
150. from a steaming drunk Simon.Copy !req
151. - Will, it's me, Simon.
- Yes, I know.Copy !req
152. Man, you were right, I've got
to make Carli believe in me,Copy !req
153. make the sort of gesture
she'll never forget.Copy !req
154. That doesn't sound like me.
Are you drunk?Copy !req
155. I'm going in. This might be my
last chance to see her, to kiss her,Copy !req
156. - to maybe make love to her.
- Fine! I'm coming to get you!Copy !req
157. As long as you promise never
to say "make love" again!Copy !req
158. So, like a superhero,
I went off to Simon's rescue.Copy !req
159. A superhero in slippers
and a dressing gown.Copy !req
160. Simon!Copy !req
161. Simon! Please!Copy !req
162. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
163. Carli, it's me, Simon.Copy !req
164. What was it you wanted to say?
Was it about making love?Copy !req
165. - Daddy?
- No.Copy !req
166. - Sleep.
- What's happening?Copy !req
167. Just shush your
little fucking mouth.Copy !req
168. - You're not my daddy!
- Oh, bollocks!Copy !req
169. Mummy! Daddy!Copy !req
170. Simon's intention
was pure Romeo And Juliet.Copy !req
171. Unfortunately, the execution
was pure Crimewatch.Copy !req
172. Yeah, cheers, Steve.
There's no need to press charges.Copy !req
173. Don't worry. Sorry again.Copy !req
174. You're not going to shout at me,
are you, Dad? My head really hurts.Copy !req
175. No, I'm not going to shout.
I think we need to have a talk, though.Copy !req
176. I know this move's stressful for you
and you might feel a little crazy.Copy !req
177. Yeah.Copy !req
178. But you can't go touching children.
Not now, not ever.Copy !req
179. - Not kiddies, Si!
- Oh, God, no, no!Copy !req
180. No, it wasn't that!
I got the wrong bedroom,Copy !req
181. - I wanted to touch Carli.
- Really?Copy !req
182. - Yes, yes!
- Oh, thank Christ.Copy !req
183. Thank God. I've been Googling
chemical castration all morning.Copy !req
184. I think you need to forget about her for a while.
Go near that house, her dad will fuck you up.Copy !req
185. - His words not mine.
- Oh, God!Copy !req
186. Maybe go to your nan's
for the weekend?Copy !req
187. - Will wanted to go camping.
- Camping? Yeah, that sounds good.Copy !req
188. Healthy, outdoors.
No children around.Copy !req
189. Dad, I've loved her for ages,
I don't know what to do.Copy !req
190. I totally understand, mate.
There was a girl I was crazy about once.Copy !req
191. - Really?
- Yeah. She was gorgeous, funny.Copy !req
192. My best friend in many ways. Nothing
happened, as much as I wanted it to.Copy !req
193. - Because you never told her?
- No, she was frigid.Copy !req
194. Yeah, her knickers were about
as wet as August in the Sahara.Copy !req
195. Then your mother came along.
She was a real tomcat, let me tell you!Copy !req
196. Didn't take me long to forget the Ice Queen
with your mum around, if you get me.Copy !req
197. Yeah. Get it all up, mate.Copy !req
198. Simon's choices were simple:
Stay home and lose more stomach liningCopy !req
199. hearing about his mum's high
sex drive or take us camping.Copy !req
200. As we're near, I thought I'd run
through the itinerary for the weekend.Copy !req
201. - What's an itinerary?
- Will's way of taking the fun out of everything?Copy !req
202. No, it's just a schedule of what
we'll do and when we'll do it.Copy !req
203. Right, item one, get your shit
off my side of the car.Copy !req
204. It's not shit. It's essentials for everyone
to make the trip more enjoyable!Copy !req
205. Right, yeah, Monopoly?
That'll make it a proper lads' weekend.Copy !req
206. All we need is beer and johnnies
and I've got plenty of both.Copy !req
207. - Why have you brought a load of johnnies?
- In case I get lucky.Copy !req
208. We're camping by a lake near a wood.
You hoping to pull a fish or an owl?Copy !req
209. Listen, all these country birds
love a bit of big city cock.Copy !req
210. - You're not from the big city!
- Anywhere with a train stationCopy !req
211. - and Morrisons counts as a city to them!
- Neil, look at the map, please! Where is it?Copy !req
212. It's round here somewhere.
The next left or something.Copy !req
213. And that's what Google Maps says,
"The next left or something"?Copy !req
214. Sorry, mate, my head's a mess.
What if I have to go to the birth?Copy !req
215. Can you imagine how grim that'll be, watching
that baby getting squeezed out of her arse?Copy !req
216. - Right, I've got some news, Neil...
- Oh, here we are, Si. Turn in here.Copy !req
217. Oh, Jesus Christ, it stinks.
Is it near a pig farm, Neil?Copy !req
218. Nah, sorry, mate, that was me.
It just slipped out.Copy !req
219. - Oh, mate...
- What?Copy !req
220. - I can't believe that's the smell of your arse!
- I can fucking see it! It's like a brown mist!Copy !req
221. Despite Neil's anxious bowels
burning our eyes and choking our lungs,Copy !req
222. we made it. I'd researched this place
online and it certainly delivered.Copy !req
223. Secluded. Remote. Beautiful.Copy !req
224. - So where do we shit?
- What?Copy !req
225. When we need to a shit,
where do we shit?Copy !req
226. Hang on, he's right.
Where are we going to shit?Copy !req
227. Well, usually, you'd place a trench at least
20 yards away, down stream, of course.Copy !req
228. - What trench?
- The toilet trench.Copy !req
229. - Where you put the toilets?
- No, where you do a toilet.Copy !req
230. - I'm not shitting in a trench!
- You've gone mental.Copy !req
231. I'm not going near a hole
filled with your shit!Copy !req
232. - We each get our own trench.
- That's all right, then.Copy !req
233. - We're camping surrounded by shit?
- No! No-one is shitting in a trench!Copy !req
234. We'll have to drive to a pub
or something. Shit there.Copy !req
235. - Good idea.
- Agreed.Copy !req
236. That's decided, then,
write that down, Will, item two.Copy !req
237. Could do. Or you could remember
to shit in the pub when we're there?Copy !req
238. - Let's get this tent up.
- I need to go now, though.Copy !req
239. - What? Just hold it in!
- I can't, I get all emotional.Copy !req
240. We only just got here, Neil!
Camp first, poo second!Copy !req
241. I don't think I can, I'm honestly
getting teary, it feels like it's trying toCopy !req
242. push its way back up
into my stomach!Copy !req
243. I need one now, too. What about
that service station we've past?Copy !req
244. - Oh, God, the snake's out the cave!
- Fine. Everyone, back in the car.Copy !req
245. So our camping trip was delayed
while Neil left what he describedCopy !req
246. as "King Kong's finger"
in the Welcome Break toilets.Copy !req
247. Neil genuinely felt better about life
after unloading a massive poo.Copy !req
248. Neil genuinely felt better about life
after unloading a massive poo.Copy !req
249. And now the car was unloaded,
so did I.Copy !req
250. First need to clear the ground, make sure
the site is safe and then put up our tent.Copy !req
251. Fuck that, let's just crack open the
beers and build a fucking massive fire.Copy !req
252. You can't just build a fire.
It takes preparation.Copy !req
253. I mean, have we even asked
the landowner's permission?Copy !req
254. I didn't come here for a refresher
course in the Countryside Code.Copy !req
255. I just want to get pissed and have a laugh.
I won't be able to do any of this in Wales.Copy !req
256. - What, cos there's no fields?
- No, cos I won't have any mates.Copy !req
257. You won't need mates.
Welsh birds are total filth.Copy !req
258. - Are they?
- Yeah.Copy !req
259. Pretty much all British porn stars are Welsh.
Most of them don't even get paid,Copy !req
260. - they just do it for cock.
- Oh, OK, made-up sluts.Copy !req
261. Now I'm glad I'm going to Swansea.
Fucking hell, Swansea.Copy !req
262. Fine, Simon, look if you really want,
I'll build you a fire now.Copy !req
263. You lot put the tent up, I'll go and
find some suitable wood and kindling.Copy !req
264. All right, Akela.Copy !req
265. But remember, fire is an element,
it must be respected.Copy !req
266. Camping is all about self-reliance
and teamwork.Copy !req
267. And I knew I could rely on myself
to create the perfect camp and my team...Copy !req
268. to fuck it up.Copy !req
269. What the fuck have you done?Copy !req
270. All right, Will. Fancy a sausage?Copy !req
271. Calm down. I just got it going
and I didn't even need a fire gay's badge.Copy !req
272. - Nah, just some petrol.
- You put petrol on it?Copy !req
273. Wait a minute. Is that
my fold-out table on the fire?Copy !req
274. - And my picnic basket?
- I thought you said look for stuff to burn.Copy !req
275. Wood, burn fucking wood,
not my stuff.Copy !req
276. Oh, fucking hell.
Why have you done that?Copy !req
277. Look, someone had to take charge
of this weekendCopy !req
278. or it was going to be all Monopoly
and shitting in trenches.Copy !req
279. Look, come on, sit down, have
a beer, have a sausage. Just chill.Copy !req
280. I'll chill when you stop burning
my fucking possessions.Copy !req
281. Oh, I thought they were for
"everyone"?Copy !req
282. Yes, for everyone to use,
not to burn.Copy !req
283. - What are you doing?
- Fire's going down.Copy !req
284. Stop burning my things.Copy !req
285. All right, I forgot. Jeez!Copy !req
286. We were barely an hour from home,
but somehow that meantCopy !req
287. that burning my possessions
was not only OK, but hilarious.Copy !req
288. Oh, come on, we're sorry.
It was just a joke.Copy !req
289. We'll do whatever you want to
cheer you up. Anything you like.Copy !req
290. - Game of Monopoly?
- Oh, fuck off.Copy !req
291. - Apart from that.
- Look, if you want to play a game,Copy !req
292. I've got a proper game,
not a shit one.Copy !req
293. Though thinking about it,
you lot might be too pussy to play.Copy !req
294. It's not that game that you used to play
with your weird neighbour in his shed, is it?Copy !req
295. - Well, that never happened.
- Yeah, you told me about it years ago.Copy !req
296. - Just after he moved away.
- No, I never. Shut up, you knob.Copy !req
297. Right, to start with,
you all have to swap phones.Copy !req
298. Now what?Copy !req
299. Now you text someone in their phone book.
So, like, you've got Will's phone, yeah?Copy !req
300. So when you text someone,
they'll think it's from him.Copy !req
301. So does that mean I have to write it
all posh and like all hurdy wurdy durdy?Copy !req
302. The only rule is you can write whatever
you like and no-one can stop you.Copy !req
303. I just want to say, for the record, there's
no way anything good can come out of this.Copy !req
304. Ready? Go.Copy !req
305. I've only got five numbers in my phone,
and three of them are you lot, so do your worst.Copy !req
306. Well, as long as one of the others
is your mum, you're still in trouble.Copy !req
307. Neil, come on, that's too much.Copy !req
308. I think that is literally
the point of the game.Copy !req
309. Fuck.Copy !req
310. Right, gays, finished?
That's it, send 'em.Copy !req
311. Right, so I wrote,
from Simon's phone to Carli,Copy !req
312. "Carli, I love you
from the bottom of my cock."Copy !req
313. "The thought of leaving you
is making me cry."Copy !req
314. Better.Copy !req
315. "And I'm using those tears
as lube to wank with."Copy !req
316. Right.Copy !req
317. Don't worry, Si, I texted Jay's dad and wrote,
"Dad, I'm just thinking about you."Copy !req
318. - Oh, that's all right.
- "I'm in the bath and I'm hard."Copy !req
319. - Fucking hell.
- Neil?Copy !req
320. Fairly standard to Will's mum.
"Mum, it's been 17 years,Copy !req
321. but I'd love to have another go
on your big old tits."Copy !req
322. No.Copy !req
323. "Then I'd like to smash in
your back doors (anus)."Copy !req
324. So it'll come up that I've
sent her a text, she'll think,Copy !req
325. "Good, he's just letting me know he's
got there safely," then she'll read that?Copy !req
326. - Yep.
- Right then, Si, what did you send to,Copy !req
327. - I presume, Neil's dad?
- You presume wrong.Copy !req
328. I've gone for a slightly different flavour. I've
written to the soon-to-be mother of his child.Copy !req
329. - What?
- At least that's who I guessCopy !req
330. - Saucy Asda Karen is?
- It is.Copy !req
331. Good, cos I've written,
"Karen, I love youCopy !req
332. and love that you are to be the
mother of my child. Marry me?"Copy !req
333. - Fucking hell.
- Brilliant.Copy !req
334. I only met her a month ago.
She smells of cheese most of the time.Copy !req
335. What, cos of all the knob she's had?Copy !req
336. God, I thought coming out here
would take me mind off it,Copy !req
337. but the countryside's really boring,
innit? It's just a load of fieldsCopy !req
338. and rivers and that. And they don't
do nothing. They just sit there,Copy !req
339. it's not like the London Dungeons
where people jump out at you.Copy !req
340. - He's right, it is boring. Shall we go back?
- Oh, no, come on,Copy !req
341. we could go for a swim?
Skinny dipping?Copy !req
342. Yeah, you're right,
probably be a bit gay.Copy !req
343. - Yeah.
- Well, there's always Monopoly.Copy !req
344. Fucking hell, fine,
as long as I can be the dog.Copy !req
345. - Why?
- Reminds me of Benji.Copy !req
346. This was great. Camping.
Playing board games round the fireCopy !req
347. as the sun went down. It was like
I was back in Cub Scouts, but without...Copy !req
348. the unpleasantness.Copy !req
349. Park Lane, with a hotel,
that's 1,500 you owe me, Top Hat.Copy !req
350. Can I pay you after I pass Go?
I'm nearly there.Copy !req
351. - Nope.
- Well, will you take one of my properties, then?Copy !req
352. This is impossible.
I can barely see.Copy !req
353. I've not been able to see anything
for fucking hours. Let's just stop.Copy !req
354. OK, we'll call it a draw.Copy !req
355. Fuck off, just cos I'm winning
and all you've got is stations.Copy !req
356. - I'm happy to call it a draw.
- Course you are,Copy !req
357. cos you were out four hours ago
anyway, you fucking idiot.Copy !req
358. You lot think I'm dumb,
but I've got street smarts.Copy !req
359. You got a woman from Asda
pregnant in your lunch hour.Copy !req
360. - I'll build another fire.
- It's too dark to collect wood,Copy !req
361. - and you've burnt everything I own.
- Well, fine, I'll...Copy !req
362. I'll get Si's car
and shine the lights over here.Copy !req
363. Here y'are, then.Copy !req
364. This was embarrassing. I hadn't lost
a game of Monopoly since I was seven.Copy !req
365. And yet I was about to be beaten by Jay, a man who
took pride in the fact he couldn't count to 100.Copy !req
366. He really wants to win, doesn't he?
I never knew he was so competitive.Copy !req
367. I can't get enough of these sausages.
I love 'em raw in the middle.Copy !req
368. Right, sorted.
Now you owe me 1,500.Copy !req
369. Jay, my fucking car!
Handbrake?Copy !req
370. - Oh, shit, yeah.
- Stop it.Copy !req
371. - Jay, help!
- All right, all right.Copy !req
372. - It's locked. Jay, throw me the keys.
- I gave them to you.Copy !req
373. - No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
374. - No, you fucking didn't.
- Brilliant, someone's goneCopy !req
375. - and lost the fucking keys then.
- Yes, you. You've lost them.Copy !req
376. You must have locked them
in the car. Oh, God! Oh, God!Copy !req
377. - We'll have to smash a window.
- Fucking hell, Jay, you're paying for that.Copy !req
378. - It's not my fault.
- It is entirely your fault.Copy !req
379. I always lock my car like that,
yours must be different.Copy !req
380. - It's shitter, for one.
- Thanks, Neil!Copy !req
381. If my old man was here, he'd be able
to get into it in two seconds flat.Copy !req
382. - He used to jack Ferraris for the Mafia.
- How is that total bullshit helpful?Copy !req
383. OK, you two hold it. We'll go and
find something to smash a window with.Copy !req
384. Oi, why do me and Neil have to
hold the fucking car?Copy !req
385. Well, obviously, because
you two are the strongest.Copy !req
386. It's true, we are.Copy !req
387. Fucking hell, why are there no
rocks? It's the countryside!Copy !req
388. Why aren't there any fucking rocks?
What are we going to smash the window with?Copy !req
389. Jay's face?Copy !req
390. My arms hurt.Copy !req
391. I don't know why they're bothering to
get that rock. The way I look at it,Copy !req
392. it's inevitable that the car's
going to go in the lake.Copy !req
393. I suppose it's nature.
You can't fight nature.Copy !req
394. Exactly. It's going in anyway,Copy !req
395. my arms hurt,
we might as well just let go.Copy !req
396. - Do you think Simon will be annoyed?
- How can he be? It's logical.Copy !req
397. - We can't stop it.
- We are stopping it a bit now.Copy !req
398. It's inevitable, Neil, trust me.Copy !req
399. - We'll let go after three, all right?
- Gotcha.Copy !req
400. One, two...Copy !req
401. No!Copy !req
402. Oh, God. Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!Copy !req
403. Oh, God!Copy !req
404. - Why did you do that?
- You said smash a window.Copy !req
405. No!Copy !req
406. No, no, no!Copy !req
407. You arseholes.
You total pair of fucking wankers.Copy !req
408. It's all right, Si. We'll just wait for
morning and rescue it when the tide's out.Copy !req
409. It's a fucking lake, Neil,
the tide isn't going out.Copy !req
410. I've wasted my life hanging around
with you fucking morons.Copy !req
411. I can't wait to move to Swansea.
I fucking hate you, fuck off.Copy !req
412. Fuck off!Copy !req
413. Come on, Si, come out the water and dry off,
I'm sure we'll think of something.Copy !req
414. You never think of anything. You've just got
an accent that makes us think you're clever,Copy !req
415. but you're not. You're just as much
of a fucking idiot as these two.Copy !req
416. - Bit harsh.
- You wankers,Copy !req
417. you total, total wankers.Copy !req
418. Oh, God!Copy !req
419. Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!Copy !req
420. Do you want a lager, Si?Copy !req
421. Yes.Copy !req
422. - Oh, shit. I did have the keys.
- Probably wouldn't mention it.Copy !req
423. So, Simon's shitty yellow Fiat
was gone forever.Copy !req
424. But on the bright side, at least
Jay didn't beat me at Monopoly.Copy !req
425. Which do you think burns better, Si,
my rucksack or my sleeping bag?Copy !req
426. Nice try, but this is now officially the
worst weekend ever. Let's just go home.Copy !req
427. - How?
- Call your dad, Si.Copy !req
428. If you think about it,
it's sort of his fault we're here.Copy !req
429. I can't face it. He's going to
go ballistic about the car.Copy !req
430. - What about your old man, Jay?
- Nah. He's out,Copy !req
431. private poker tournament
with Danny Dyer and the Krays.Copy !req
432. - Aren't the Krays dead?
- No!Copy !req
433. That's just a cover story
cos they done a bunk from prison.Copy !req
434. They're holed up in one
of me dad's warehouses.Copy !req
435. Of course.Copy !req
436. Looks like your dad's taking a break
from that made-up poker tournament, Jay.Copy !req
437. - He's just texted you back.
- Oh, shit. What does it say?Copy !req
438. "You're sick, son. Your mum was right
about sending you to that shrink."Copy !req
439. What's he on about, the fucking wanker?
Talking bollocks as usual.Copy !req
440. You got a text, too, Neil. It's from
your bird. Maybe you should read it.Copy !req
441. - Oh, thank you, God. Thank you.
- She said yes to the marriage proposal, then?Copy !req
442. Much better. It says,
"You dopey prick.Copy !req
443. Not pregnant.
Tested positive for..."Copy !req
444. - What's that say, Will?
- "Chlamydia."Copy !req
445. Yes! Get in!Copy !req
446. - What's chlamydia?
- Well, how shall I put this, Neil?Copy !req
447. You no longer have a child on the way
but you do have an STD.Copy !req
448. I got an STD!
Yes, an STD! Whoo!Copy !req
449. Go on, then, check mine.Copy !req
450. It's from Carli.
Let's have a little look then...Copy !req
451. No.Copy !req
452. - Well?
- Brilliant.Copy !req
453. - Shall we go to bed, then?
- What did it say?Copy !req
454. Simon was never this cagey.
When it came to Carli,Copy !req
455. he normally wore his heart on his sleeve
and his boner in his pants.Copy !req
456. Maybe he had other things on his mind.Copy !req
457. So we had a light all along, then?Copy !req
458. Oh, shit, yeah.
Forgot about that one.Copy !req
459. So, my car went in the lake
for no reason.Copy !req
460. I'm upset too, Si.
I got my first hand job in that car.Copy !req
461. Who's going to want to give me
an hand job when I'm a dad?Copy !req
462. - Your dad?
- You're not going to be a dad, remember, Neil?Copy !req
463. - Oh, yeah!
- He'll probably still give you one anyway.Copy !req
464. Look, even if we did get it out, mate,
I doubt it would work anyway.Copy !req
465. - I think the engine's flooded.
- Is that supposed to be funny, Jay?Copy !req
466. You'll get it on the insurance,
though, I reckon.Copy !req
467. Yeah, I've got third-party, fire and your mates
rolling it into a lake, so it should be fine.Copy !req
468. How was the trench?Copy !req
469. - I had to wipe my arse with leaves.
- Jesus.Copy !req
470. And I think there were some ants in there,
so I now literally have ants in my pants.Copy !req
471. And soil, and some earwigs.Copy !req
472. Do you remember that first time we
slept in a tent in my back garden?Copy !req
473. Yeah, we had to come in the house
about midnight because Jay got scared.Copy !req
474. Yeah, I was scared Neil's dad
was going to come out and bum us.Copy !req
475. And on that familiar note, it's good night.
Sorry about your car, Si.Copy !req
476. Doesn't matter. It was a shit car,
anyway. Thanks for the send-off.Copy !req
477. I suppose when I'm away from you lot...
Jesus, that stinks, Neil, is that a fart?Copy !req
478. Nah, a burp. It ain't great, though.
I think it's them sausages.Copy !req
479. Whatever. Good night.Copy !req
480. Well, I'll get the fucking light,
then, shall I?Copy !req
481. Night, gaylords.Copy !req
482. Si, I was wondering,
when you're gone...Copy !req
483. - Yeah?
- What do you want us to do with Will?Copy !req
484. - Like, look after him and stuff?
- I'm not a stray cat, Neil.Copy !req
485. - Yeah, but you do shit in a hole in the ground.
- Brilliant.Copy !req
486. - I just worry about you, that's all.
- I think I'll be fine. Good night.Copy !req
487. Thanks, though, Neil.Copy !req
488. - Fucking hell, it's in my hair!
- I think it's the sausages.Copy !req
489. Oh, I've got to get out.
I've got to get out!Copy !req
490. Oh, God, the smell.
It always makes me puke.Copy !req
491. - Don't puke in here.
- No.Copy !req
492. - Oh, you have.
- I don't feel well.Copy !req
493. Oh, shit, the smell.
Oh, God, doublepuke!Copy !req
494. Get the fucking tent open, Jay!Copy !req
495. I can't find the zip!
I can't find the zip!Copy !req
496. Great.Copy !req
497. - Oh, my mum's texted me back.
- She up for some back door action, then?Copy !req
498. No, it said, "I love you too."
It's a template.Copy !req
499. If she is up for it, Neil should get to bum her,
cos it was his text that got her frothy.Copy !req
500. - True.
- Obviously she's not up for it.Copy !req
501. - How do you know?
- Does it say that pacifically?Copy !req
502. Specifically.Copy !req
503. Are you saying she only
likes it in her axe wound?Copy !req
504. Seriously, we've got a long walk
ahead of us, I'm covered in puke,Copy !req
505. can we just drop the mum stuff?Copy !req
506. - I'd like to drop your mum's stuff.
- Oh, we can't.Copy !req