The Inbetweeners 3x3

1. Neil was about to turn 18, and to celebrate this landmark,

2. his mum was buying him an early grave.

3. What do you think?

4. Best present ever.

5. Mate, you're going to hoover up the snatch on that.

6. I know. I can't wait to get this cast off and go for a burn.

7. Does your mum always buy gifts this extravagant?

8. - Not really, but it's for my 18th. - And she did run off.

9. - Why get a bike when you have a car? - Motorbikes are cooler.

10. Until you hit a bus and kill yourself.

11. Don't listen to Captain Sensible. It's the ultimate clunge magnet.

12. It's a well-known fact: If you get a bird on the back of one,

13. they just cream their knickers cos of the vibration.

14. - Is it? - Yeah.

15. That's why there are no female superbike champions.

16. They all get too horny and have to fud themselves off all the time.

17. Neil, how on earth is Jay allowed to ride your bike back without a licence or insurance?

18. Don't shit your pants, Health and Safety. Neil can't cos of his arm,

19. and the dealer's happy for me to take it, cos I used to be a stunt rider.

20. - It rhymes with stunt. - Well, we know that's bollocks.

21. Is it? Cos I can show you a DVD of me leaping over five lorries on Blue Peter, if you like.

22. Did you make it into The Guinness Book Of Fictional Records?

23. - Fuck off. - I don't think Tara'd be happy if I got one.

24. She thinks they're death traps.

25. - Time for another Tara update! - What's that supposed to mean?

26. Nothing. Just because no-one cares what Tara says or does,

27. don't let that stop you from mentioning her every 40 seconds.

28. Don't be a dick. I don't mention her that much.

29. - You do, mate. - Oh, pardon me for having a girlfriend.

30. - Who's taking it back, then? - I am.

31. - And you say you're used to motorbikes? - Course.

32. My dad used to drink with Lance Armstrong.

33. What, the cyclist?

34. Yeah.

35. Right. Hop on, I'll show you the basics in case it's different from what you've ridden before.

36. Can do.

37. - These are the gears, these are the brakes. - And they're for stopping, right?

38. - Yeah, I presume you want to stop. - Maybe.

39. - Do you need me to show you that again? - Nah, nah, it's all right.

40. You never forget.

41. It's like riding a bike, innit?

42. I think he's used to left-hand drive.

43. If Jay's bike-riding skills weren't quite as good as he'd claimed,

44. his ability to brazen it out was unparalleled.

45. I should fucking sue him. Those tyres had no grip.

46. They don't tend to grip so well when they're up in the air.

47. Oh, my God, that was amazing, you looked such a knob.

48. - What about your bike, Neil? - I know. The way he said he could ride it

49. and then he fell off and put his head through that door.

50. It's got to be the funniest thing I've ever seen!

51. No, what are you going to do about your bike?

52. It's not only still in Gillingham, it's now fucked.

53. Oh, no!

54. So that's your mum's gift destroyed. What's your dad getting you?

55. - I'm getting a party on Friday, aren't I? - You're having a party?

56. No, I'm getting a party, for my 18th. The party, that's my present.

57. - You've got to be fucking joking. That's it? - Why's that funny?

58. I'm just saying, no offence, mate, but

59. a party round your house is the pikiest 18th present I've ever heard of.

60. Leave it out, he's not got much money at the moment.

61. - Spent it all on butt plugs, has he? - No.

62. Cos he already owns every single one in the world.

63. - Yeah, brilliant. Well done. - So who's coming, then, Neil?

64. It's mostly family, but I'm allowed to invite ten friends.

65. Ten? That's generous, considering you haven't got ten friends.

66. - Fuck off. - All right, who you going to ask?

67. Well, I...

68. Oh, shit. How am I going to get ten people to come along?

69. Tell 'em your sister's gonna be naked, and your dad's promised not to bum 'em.

70. - Behave. - I could ask Tara what she's up to.

71. Yeah, nice one. She got any fit mates?

72. I expect so. I'm going to meet one after school tomorrow.

73. I thought we were going to Waterside tomorrow, to the cinema?

74. Yeah, we are. But Tara and Kerry are coming too.

75. I'm well up for that.

76. Yeah, I need to go Waterside anyway, I'm nearly out of pants.

77. You two aren't invited. It's like a double date.

78. - What? I didn't agree to this. - Come on, Will.

79. Apparently, Kerry's been having a tough time recently.

80. Tara thinks you two would get on, so I said you'd be cool.

81. Yes, but a date's quite a big thing.

82. - I mean, do you know what she looks like? - I've not seen her, but

83. - Tara says she's amazing and gorgeous. - I bet she's a right dog.

84. - Just cos you're not invited? - Nah, it's just girls always think

85. their mates are fit, and then when you meet 'em they look like a pork scratching.

86. To be fair, Tara's pretty spot-on about most things.

87. This conversation is specifically about Tara!

88. At best, I reckon this Kerry is a mid-level munter.

89. I'm sure she's not. Honestly, Will, Tara says she's fit.

90. Plus, and I probably shouldn't tell you this,

91. but apparently Kerry has given her last three boyfriends blow jobs.

92. - Seriously? - Yep.

93. Well, why didn't you say? What time are we meeting, then?

94. Because I didn't own a tracksuit, I'd never seen the appeal of hanging out in a shopping centre

95. But while Simon and Tara explored the deepest recesses of each other's mouths

96. I was with a girl who gave out blow jobs. So things were looking up.

97. And by "things", I mean me.

98. - This is fun. A fun double date. - We're just shopping.

99. Yeah, but after that, we're going to the new Saw film. That's like a date.

100. Oh, yeah, I might not make that actually.

101. You're not scared, are you?

102. - No, I'm just not very good with blood. - It's not real, Will.

103. Yes, Simon, thank you, I am aware of how cinema works.

104. - Any blood makes me feel queasy. - I'm the same, I don't like blood.

105. Once I saw some and I didn't like it.

106. - Right. - You two are so alike.

107. Are we? Most people don't like blood.

108. Yeah, you are. Anyway, I saw the best outfit for Simey in here.

109. We won't be long. Why don't you two hang out?

110. Wait! I'll come with you and... Oh, right.

111. - I like your glasses. - Thanks.

112. - Do you need them to see better? - Yes.

113. So, as I herded Kerry off, Simon was discovering he wasn't just Tara's boyfriend,

114. he was also her project.

115. Are we going to be looking much longer? It's just my feet are really hurting.

116. Oh, my God! There it is.

117. You would look so cute in that.

118. - Yeah, the shirt's sort of nice. - Not just the shirt, the whole thing.

119. - Really? Do you think? - Were you looking at this? I think it's great.

120. It's so great, isn't it? I was just saying he'd look really good in it.

121. - He would. He'd look really good in it. - Not the cardigan, though.

122. Especially the cardigan! And the bow tie.

123. - The bow tie is amazing. - He should try it on.

124. How are you suddenly so involved?

125. Please, just try it on! We don't have to buy it.

126. But I'm going to look exactly like the dummy.

127. Please. For me?

128. - Do you not think it'll look weird? - Please!

129. God, all right. For you, but not for him.

130. She's a bit precious, isn't she?

131. It was a mark of how desperate Simon was to lose his virginity

132. that he was willing to let Tara dress him up like an eccentric, posh child.

133. - Oh, my God! - It's shit, isn't it?

134. You look adorable!

135. He looks fantastic. My creation has come to life.

136. I have to tell everyone. All staff to dressing,

137. - No, mate, come on. - You look amazing,

138. - I really fancy you in that. - Do you?

139. Yeah. Put the glasses on.

140. - I'm going to take it off now. - Not yet.

141. You're like my wet dream. I need to get a photo.

142. Come on, Simey, smile.

143. Hands off everyone, he's mine!

144. Simon, can I have a word about Kerry? Now...

145. Who has done this to you?

146. Out the picture, you. Geek chic was last year.

147. In a way, it was a compliment. I'd never been called chic before.

148. What is it with fucking girls? They think shop assistants are their friends.

149. They're not, you just met them, and they're trying to sell you stuff.

150. Look, I think before this goes any further, you need to tell Tara that Kerry isn't my type.

151. What does that mean? You've only kissed three girls.

152. - Your type is anyone who'll let you. - All right, fine, look,

153. I don't want to seem really shallow, but... she's a bit big.

154. - Is she? - Did it escape your notice she's a giant?

155. So she's tall. You're always saying how desperate you are.

156. - Do you honestly think you'll get better? - Yes, I'd have thought so!

157. - Really? - May I remind you of Charlotte Hinchcliffe?

158. She went out with me and she was not only fit and popular but also normal sized.

159. OK, so Kerry might not be the fittest girl ever,

160. but she'll almost certainly give you a blow job if you stick with it.

161. God, I know. My head's telling me one thing and my cock another.

162. It's a genuine dilemma. Is using her for sex totally unethical?

163. She's offering to put your penis in her mouth, not pay you to ask questions in Parliament.

164. - You'd like a blow job, wouldn't you? - Yes, obviously.

165. Oh, God, this is a fucking nightmare.

166. And having Neil and Jay follow us around isn't helping.

167. Are you going to come out, then? I can see you, you're not even hiding.

168. - Your new girlfriend's big, isn't she? - She's not my girlfriend.

169. - No, she's fucking Canary Wharf! - You can bring her to my birthday, Will.

170. - Is that a joke? - It'll push the numbers up.

171. - It'll push the height up! - Thanks, Simon.

172. - Has she given you a blowie yet? - Here in Waterside?

173. Oh, yeah, Neil, I've had two, one on the escalator and one in Nando's.

174. - Really? - No, Neil, not really.

175. Are you gonna go for it, then? She's a freak, but there's nothing like a blow job.

176. And you'd know because you've had so many blow jobs.

177. - Yeah. - When was your first, then, Jay?

178. Long time back, many suck jobs ago now. Years.

179. - Years ago? Bollocks! - I got one off the cleaner when I was 12.

180. - Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter? - Was it good?

181. It was brilliant, mate, I pissed right in her mouth.

182. - What? Why would you do that? - Is that even possible?

183. Yes, that's how you finish blow jobs? And she said I was the best she'd ever had.

184. - Through mouthfuls of piss. - Before she had to get on with the hoovering.

185. - Hi, guys. - All right?

186. Come on, Simon. We'd better get going, we don't want to miss the film.

187. - Yeah, we're off too, actually. - Oh, no.

188. Yeah, off to get a ZingerTowerMeal!

189. It was clear tonight wasn't about me at all, and if he thought it would make Tara happy,

190. Simon would have set me up on a blind date with a plastic bag full of his own shit.

191. I don't think she's that bad, just a bit big. Oh, that one's meant to be awesome.

192. - Completed it. - Only came out last week.

193. - Completed it! - What about this?

194. Championship Manager? Completed it, mate.

195. You can't complete it.

196. Yeah, I know. But I got so good at it that the FA offered me a role in the England setup.

197. Did they?

198. I took Woking from the Conference to the Champions League in six seasons.

199. Stuff like that doesn't go unnoticed, Neil.

200. Oi, Jay, look at this.

201. "Nice people swallow". It means spunk!

202. - Yeah! - What about this one?

203. - "Honk if you want a blow job." - We should stick it on Kerry,

204. - she loves giving blow jobs. - We'd have to get a bigger one!

205. Yeah, good one. Actually, I know where this should go.

206. After becoming possibly the first people ever to actually laugh at a bumper sticker,

207. Jay and Neil's day got even better when they saw something rare and exotic in the shopping centre.

208. Jay, look.

209. Fucking hell! What's he doing here?

210. Don't know, shopping?

211. Gilbert.

212. Gilbert!

213. A few years ago, I'd seen King Kong at the cinema. Now I was on a date with her.

214. - This is very violent. - Yeah.

215. - Do you feel all right, with the blood? - Yes. Shush.

216. - Are you OK? - Fine, thanks, yeah. Bit hot.

217. Remember... it's not real.

218. Kerry's attempt to comfort me with her massive hand did exactly the opposite.

219. There was no way out. The horror, the hand,

220. the horror, the hand! It was all too much.

221. I'd told Simon I didn't like blood!

222. Sorry, I think I need to get some air.

223. I feel really faint.

224. Fuck off! He's scared of blood!

225. Oh, dear.

226. I'll say this for Kerry, she made a great human popcorn shield.

227. Meanwhile, by the time he'd driven Tara home, Simon was getting withdrawal symptoms,

228. cos he'd gone more than five minutes without sticking his tongue down her throat.

229. I think that went really well. I could tell Kerry likes him.

230. She's amazing, isn't she? So beautiful.

231. - Yeah, sort of. She's quite tall. - What do you mean?

232. - Oh, no, what are they doing? - They know about me, right?

233. Totally. Hence the welcome party. Simon, this is my mum and dad,

234. who happen to be stepping outside the front door for no reason just as we arrived.

235. Hello, Simon. I'm Tara's Mum. She's told me all about you.

236. - Hello. - Whereas, because I'm Tara's father,

237. she's told me virtually nothing about you.

238. She doesn't really know very much about me.

239. - Not that there's anything bad to know. - This is your car, is it?

240. At least you're not driving my daughter around in some souped-up death trap.

241. No. It's just a stopgap really,

242. till I get enough money together to buy something less crap!

243. Mum and Dad don't like swearing, Simon.

244. Oh, sorry. What did I say? Oh, "crap"?

245. Is "crap" a swear word? "Crap"?

246. Let's just err on the side of caution on that one, shall we?

247. Yeah, sorry.

248. It's OK.

249. Look, someone's got a funny bumper sticker. What's this one say?

250. - "Honk if you want a..." - What?

251. - That's not mine. - Well, it's on your car.

252. Dad, can you just go inside, please? Mum, tell him.

253. It's all right, Simon, I can see it's meant to be a joke.

254. I literally have no idea how that got there.

255. It's just not very funny, is it?

256. I mean, why would you want to drive around with that on the back of your car?

257. - It just makes you look dirty. - I'm not.

258. It's not like I'm obsessed by blow jobs or cocks.

259. Honestly, I'm not!

260. Say good night to Simon, Tara.

261. So, while Simon struggled to get rid of something impossibly clingy, so did I.

262. I don't think they should have thrown stuff.

263. What kind of a person throws stuff at another person when they aren't feeling very well?

264. Anyway, thanks, but I think I'm meant to walk you home.

265. I want to make sure you get home safely.

266. Yup, well, here I am, so

267. thank you.

268. You can kiss me good night if you want to.

269. OK...

270. right.

271. Right, well, I'd better go. Good night, then. Get home safely.

272. Nah, that's enough for tonight.

273. - Kiss me one more time. - No. Night, Kerry.

274. OK, I ran away. But she's still going on my kiss list.

275. Number 4, Big Kerry.

276. Considering it had the combined brain power of Jay and Neil behind it,

277. the blow job sticker joke had worked amazingly well.

278. It's impossible to get off. Tara's dad was really angry.

279. - I'll have to get the car resprayed, I reckon. - Try and pick a less shit colour.

280. - Brilliant. How's your girlfriend, Will? - If you mean Kerry, she's not my girlfriend.

281. How come she's changed her Facebook status to "in a relationship", then?

282. Has she? How did you find her on Facebook?

283. - It's easy when you know where to look. - Which is in a group for lanky munters.

284. Mate, I reckon it's all good. Tara told me something very interesting about Kerry.

285. She bangs her head wherever she goes?

286. - She told me you kissed her last night. - Did you use a fucking stepladder?

287. Why did you do it? I thought you weren't interested.

288. I don't know. I can't decide.

289. And at that moment, it was easier to kiss her than to not kiss her.

290. - Were you scared? - A bit.

291. It sounds to me like you're closing in on that BJ. Maybe at Neil's party.

292. No, no, I think it's all wrong. I'm going to de-invite her from the party.

293. No way, she's got to come, I need to get the numbers up.

294. - With you three and Tara, I'm stuck on five. - Four.

295. But if Kerry comes as well, that'll make it six.

296. Five. Taking her to the party is a bit like admitting we're going out,

297. when all I really want from her is a blow job. It would be morally wrong.

298. Look, why not just get the blow job and then see how you feel?

299. I've got an idea. Why not get the blowie, ask for a fuck, and if she says no, then dump her?

300. Brilliant. Well, I'd just like to thank everyone for their fucking useless advice. Thank you.

301. I don't know what your problem is. I've never been out with a girl I liked anyway.

302. What, apart from the last one who made you cry?

303. - Will! - Oh, that is bang out of order.

304. What? After everything he's said?

305. Yeah, but some things just aren't OK.

306. - You all right, Jay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

307. - Apologise. - For that?

308. Yes, for that.

309. Well, I have literally no idea what the rules are, then.

310. Oi, Jay.

311. - Waterside. - Waterside.

312. What did you say?

313. Nothing.

314. Right, a week's after-school detention for both of you.

315. - Oh, what? - Two weeks.

316. - Nah, come on, sir. - Three weeks?

317. - But, sir... - Four weeks' detention?

318. Starting tonight. See you later.

319. - Oh, fucking hell! - Now I'm going to be late to my party!

320. Right, OK, I've made up my mind. You're right. Maybe a blow job is worth it.

321. - I'm going to play the long game with Kerry. - Just make sure you don't play the tall game.

322. - She'd win every time. - Because she's tall.

323. Yes, I get it.

324. That evening, as we stared at Neil's impossibly attractive sister,

325. two thoughts crossed my mind: Surely she must be adopted,

326. and could this party get any worse? Turns out it could.

327. I say!

328. What must you think of me, racing around the house in my briefs

329. like we're at some sort of Roman orgy?

330. Neil will be back in a minute. He's just finishing up after chess club.

331. - You know it's not fancy dress, Simon? - I'm not in fancy dress.

332. It's a new look for Simon. I chose it.

333. You should get your girlfriend to dress you too, Will. You look like shit.

334. She's really rude to you. Did you two have a thing?

335. What, with Katie? He wishes.

336. - I don't understand. - Come on, Kezza,

337. let's go and get our men some more drinks.

338. Lager for William?

339. Maybe the cheap French beer will numb the shame of being seen in public with her.

340. - Come on, it's fine, she's nice. - Is the definition of "nice"

341. someone a bit boring and embarrassing and much taller than you?

342. Aye, aye, Si, you didn't tell me you'd joined JLS.

343. - Brilliant. - And you've come as a nerd.

344. - Yes, very droll. - Is Bigfoot here? You know, your girlfriend.

345. Oh, God, I can't go through with it.

346. I don't fancy Kerry and I can't keep stringing her along. It's not right, is it?

347. - Or is it? - That's nice.

348. Fucking Donovan did it, he pinned me down in detention.

349. Oh, Neil, what is that monstrosity?

350. It was an accident. You remember, I fell off the garage.

351. No, not the cast, what's on it. Cover it up. Your granny's going to be here in a minute.

352. - Neil! - I thought he would have liked it.

353. - Why? - Well, it was covered in cocks.

354. - Behave. - How was detention?

355. It was all right, apart from that. I even managed to give out a couple of invites.

356. - Did you? - Yeah, whilst you were getting changed.

357. I told them to be here early, so that should be them now.

358. Please be fit. Please be fit.

359. - Hello! - Brilliant, it's a bring-a-freak party.

360. Say what you like, but with these two, us four and your girlfriends,

361. - that's got me up to the magic ten. - Eight.

362. Oh, shit!

363. - Neil, is it OK if I brush my teeth? - No, it is not.

364. Well, Big John and David made it official.

365. Neil's was the worst 18th birthday party ever...

366. unless you were Simon.

367. - Oh, get a room. - Sorry, mate.

368. - Actually, can we use your room? - Depends. What for?

369. - What do you think? - You've lost me.

370. I want to spend some time alone, and not in your kitchen, with Tara.

371. Oh, right, time together, yeah? What for?

372. - Neil! - Oh, right, that.

373. - Go on, then. - Cheers, mate!

374. Oh, try not to spunk on the sheets. Do you want any more crisps, Gran?

375. And I was left with Kerry who might give me a blow job,

376. but might also swallow the rest of me.

377. There you are!

378. - Sorry, am I a lump? - No.

379. Why don't you come and sit on my lap instead?

380. - There's plenty of room to both sit down. - OK, Mr Grump Grumps.

381. Kerry, we need to talk.

382. - We are talking. - No, not here. In private.

383. Oh, good. More kissing. You're a really good kisser.

384. Am I a bad kisser? I bet I'm a rubbish kisser, aren't I?

385. - Do you think I'm a good kisser? - OK. Kerry, I'm really sorry to do this.

386. - What? - We're not going out.

387. - Yes, we are. - No, we aren't.

388. I don't want to be your boyfriend, and if anyone asks, I never was, all right?

389. That didn't come out perfectly, but you know what I mean.

390. - I'll give you a blow job. - I'm sure that you will, Kerry,

391. - but I just can't accept. - Is it because I'm a bit taller than you?

392. No.

393. Calm down. You can't be that upset.

394. We were never really going out.

395. We only met the other day.

396. She's just had some bad news.

397. I hope Will and Kerry are getting on OK.

398. She's such a sweetheart and she's had such a rough time.

399. I'd love it if she met someone really nice. What do you think?

400. - Yeah, definitely. - Does Will really like her?

401. - Whatever you want. - I said, does Will really like her?

402. Can we not talk about Will right now? It's putting me off.

403. Oh, God, that sounded like Kerry.

404. - I'd better go and check she's OK. - I'm sure she's fine.

405. Simon, you know what she's been through.

406. Oh, for fuck's sake! Don't fucking bother starting me off

407. - if you're not going to finish it! - Sorry, did you say something?

408. No.

409. - He dumped me! - Oh, dear.

410. - He led me on. - That's not strictly true, is it, Kerry?

411. He tried to have sex with me and then he dumped me.

412. - Is that correct, Kerry? - You should be ashamed of yourself.

413. For what? I've actually been really nice.

414. - You took advantage of her. - No, I didn't.

415. - I think that's pretty low. - Do you really?

416. What have you done? You OK, Kezza?

417. He dumped me!

418. No, I couldn't have, because we were never going out.

419. He used me and then he dumped me

420. because I'm so big.

421. Will, I don't know how you can do this, especially after everything Kerry's been through.

422. It hasn't been an easy ride for me either, trying to stay out of her clutches.

423. Her dad died last month.

424. Well, that's awful, obviously.

425. - But not... - What?

426. Well, it's not...

427. - It's not relevant, is it? - You disgust me.

428. - Will, I think you should leave. - But I've done nothing wrong!

429. The dad timing is unfortunate, but it's not my fault. If you're interested in the truth,

430. Kerry hands out blow jobs like they're going out of fashion, and, by all accounts,

431. - I'm one of the only people to turn her down. - I hate you!

432. Will, I want you to leave.

433. What, for turning down oral sex from the Empire State Building?

434. For trying to let her down gently rather than placing my glans into her stupid boring mouth?

435. Will, I want you to leave my house and never come back.

436. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

437. - What's going on? - I've been told to leave

438. - for dumping a girl I wasn't going out with. - Oh, fuck.

439. And by the way, did you not think it important to mention at any stage

440. - that Kerry's dad had died? - Oh, shit! Yeah, I forgot.

441. Didn't forget about the blow jobs, though, did you? Oh, no,

442. you were all about the blow jobs. Couldn't stop going on about the blow jobs,

443. but the dead dad, that just slipped your mind.

444. Well, thanks very much, Simon. See you at school, mate.

445. To be fair to Simon, I'd have probably forgotten my own mother's name

446. if Tara had been wanking me off.

447. - Life is so unfair. - Yes, and?

448. Neil's dad phoned my mum, and I've been grounded for three weeks

449. - and I did nothing wrong. - Not nothing.

450. Yes, nothing. If anything, I did the right thing by not letting her give me a blow job.

451. You didn't handle it brilliantly, though, did you?

452. OK, so right and wrong don't matter, it's all about presentation, is it?

453. It's like with me and Gilbert. I did nothing and I get a month's detentions.

454. - You did say "Waterside". - Yes, nothing.

455. - It's not offensive, it's not a swear word. - Yeah, but...

456. Yeah, but what? What? Do I have to draw you a fucking picture?

457. I said "Waterside" and I got a month's detentions. How is that fair?

458. Anyway, sorry for ruining your birthday, Neil.

459. - No, not at all. It was awesome. - Was it?

460. Yeah, after you guys left and my dad went to bed, Kerry gave me a blowie upstairs.

461. - What? - Did she? Because Tara said...

462. Fuck off! Tara said she was still really upset about it the next day.

463. Well, yeah, that was the only downside. She was still crying a little bit on the first one.

464. Oh, God!

465. It may not have been extravagant, but Neil will always remember his 18th,

466. mainly because Jay drove his mum's gift into a wall,

467. Simon ejaculated on his duvet, and I ruined the evening

468. by comparing the grieving girl I was supposedly seeing

469. to an immense, cock-sucking American landmark.