1. The Inbetweeners S03E01
"The Fashion Show"Copy !req
2. Sync & corrections: extremeCopy !req
3. My name is Will McKenzie
and my first year in state educationCopy !req
4. has been an unqualified success.Copy !req
5. And by unqualified,
I mean I failed all my exams.Copy !req
6. That said, I have made three friends.
Yep, three whole friends in one year.Copy !req
7. And they're the sort of friends everyone
should have. Ones that are so tragic,Copy !req
8. - they almost make someone like me...
- Feisty one, you are!Copy !req
9. look normal. But things were
going to be different this year.Copy !req
10. For one, Jay could now drive,
meaning we had a choiceCopy !req
11. of which shit embarrassing car
we got a lift to school in.Copy !req
12. Simon's was more yellow,
but Jay's was more dangerous.Copy !req
13. Morning, benders.
Jump in the minge mobile.Copy !req
14. Strange thing to
call your mum's car.Copy !req
15. Jay driving us to school really
did make me feel like royalty.Copy !req
16. Unfortunately, the royalty
I felt like was Princess Diana.Copy !req
17. - Roundabout, Jay!
- Give way to the fucking left!Copy !req
18. Stupid old bint.Copy !req
19. - I think it's the right, mate.
- Is it?Copy !req
20. Oh, wait, yeah,
that does sound familiar.Copy !req
21. - What's that in your ear?
- Oh, it's a piercing.Copy !req
22. It's just a stud for now, but my dad's
mining me a diamond to put in it.Copy !req
23. - Cool.
- Hang on,Copy !req
24. - have you had your left ear pierced?
- Yes.Copy !req
25. Isn't that the one you get
pierced to show you're gay?Copy !req
26. - Fuck off!
- Oh, yeah, that is the gay one.Copy !req
27. There's a quick way to tell, Neil,
which ear has your dad got pierced?Copy !req
28. - Neither, cos he's not bent.
- Course not. Will, which ear is gay?Copy !req
29. - I'm the last person to ask.
- I thought you knew everything?Copy !req
30. I don't know any men who've had their ears
pierced cos I went to a private school.Copy !req
31. - Why have you that done anyway?
- I like to keep my look fresh.Copy !req
32. Plus I'll probably need it
for the fashion show tomorrow.Copy !req
33. Oh, yes, the school charity fashion show.
Where only people deemed good-looking enoughCopy !req
34. by other good-looking people
get to take part and raise money.Copy !req
35. - Well, there's going to be special guests.
- Special guests?Copy !req
36. I wonder who that's going to be?
Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z? The Obamas?Copy !req
37. Look, I don't give a shit what you think
about it, because when I'm up there modelling,Copy !req
38. I'll have my pick of the snatch. Everyone
knows male models get all the pussy.Copy !req
39. - I didn't know they asked you to model, Jay.
- They haven't yet. They haven't asked anyone.Copy !req
40. - I think they have.
- I'm telling you they haven'tCopy !req
41. - cos no-one's asked me.
- But it's tomorrow.Copy !req
42. Are you deaf? I've not been asked.Copy !req
43. I'd be the first in line for
any modelling work. Look at me.Copy !req
44. - Well, I've been asked.
- Fuck off!Copy !req
45. Carli's one of the organisers
and she's asked me to model.Copy !req
46. You? Who wants a model
that looks like a spotty babyCopy !req
47. - crossed with the Statue of Liberty?
- Statue of Liberty?Copy !req
48. - His hair.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
49. It was hard to know where Jay got
the idea he should be a male model.Copy !req
50. It seemed like it just stemmed from a sense
of thinking Simon was spectacularly ugly.Copy !req
51. Seriously, what clothes are going
to look better on you than me?Copy !req
52. - Apart from a paper bag for your fucking head.
- Brilliant. Shall we give it a rest now, Jay?Copy !req
53. Good morning. Shut up and
let's get this over with. Right.Copy !req
54. Wait a minute, Cartwright,
what is that?Copy !req
55. It's a stud, sir,
and I don't mean the earring.Copy !req
56. - Take it out or I will rip it out.
- But... what about my human rights?Copy !req
57. You have to be human for those
to apply, Cartwright. Out, now.Copy !req
58. Right, I'm sure that most of you
will remember Alistair Scott.Copy !req
59. - Yes, Sutherland?
- I don't.Copy !req
60. You sat next to him in
registration for four years.Copy !req
61. Oh, Alistair!Copy !req
62. Well, thankfully,
after a tough year,Copy !req
63. they found a donor
and he's finally on the mend.Copy !req
64. In preparation for his return to school,
he's coming in at lunchtime to answerCopy !req
65. any questions you might have
about his illness. Yes, Sutherland?Copy !req
66. - Can I catch it?
- No, you cannot catch kidney failure.Copy !req
67. McKenzie, my office, 10 minutes.Copy !req
68. What's Gilbert want?Copy !req
69. Probably wants me to act as a
chaperone for that Alistair kid.Copy !req
70. Poor guy, imagine
what he's been through.Copy !req
71. - He's a dick.
- Jay!Copy !req
72. What? He is a dick. I never
liked him when he was well,Copy !req
73. I never liked him when he was ill, and I don't
like him now he's getting better. Simples.Copy !req
74. - Oh, he was all right.
- No, he wasn't.Copy !req
75. He was a complete bell-end.
He was worse than Briefcase.Copy !req
76. Thanks very much. Look, he's had a
hugely traumatic time. Maybe he's changed.Copy !req
77. He's not going to have got more interesting in a
hospital bed attached to a drip for a year, is he?Copy !req
78. What a sympathetic view
of a life-threatening illness.Copy !req
79. - And he used to stink. I'm not going.
- Come on, Jay, there might be sausage rolls.Copy !req
80. - Why would there be sausage rolls?
- We had sausage rolls when my nan died.Copy !req
81. - He's not dead, Neil.
- Isn't he?Copy !req
82. They still might
have sausage rolls, though.Copy !req
83. Fine, fuck it, I'll come,
but I'm warning you, he's a dick.Copy !req
84. If Jay thought Alistair was a dick,
he was almost certainly a nice bloke.Copy !req
85. Unlike Mr Gilbert.Copy !req
86. - You wanted to see me, sir?
- "Want" is an overstatement.Copy !req
87. I'm putting you in charge of collecting
the money for tomorrow's fashion show.Copy !req
88. Last time they had a collection for charity,
nearly half the money went missing,Copy !req
89. and then the organisers started
turning up in new trainers.Copy !req
90. Well, sir, whilst I'm really pleased
that you think I'm trustworthy...Copy !req
91. Oh, it's not that.Copy !req
92. I just know that if anything did
happen, I could break you.Copy !req
93. Right. Well, the thing is, I object to
the fashion show on a moral level.Copy !req
94. - I'm sorry?
- It's not about raising money,Copy !req
95. it's a popularity parade. It's just the
self-elected attractive peopleCopy !req
96. using charity as an excuse to show off.Copy !req
97. Well, this is a first. As it happens,
McKenzie, I agree with you.Copy !req
98. - You do?
- Yes.Copy !req
99. Great. So you understand why I'd
rather not compromise my principles.Copy !req
100. Yes I do, totally. Unfortunately for you,
it's not the First World War.Copy !req
101. You can't conscientiously object.Copy !req
102. So, you either collect
the money, or it's detention,Copy !req
103. starting now
and continuing indefinitely.Copy !req
104. But... you said you agreed with me.Copy !req
105. Yes, I know.
It's a tricky one, isn't it?Copy !req
106. OK, fine, I'll do it. But I'm still
exercising my right to protest.Copy !req
107. Good. Just make sure it's not
a dirty protest like the last one.Copy !req
108. Just as a stopped clock gives
the correct time twice a day,Copy !req
109. once a term,
Neil gets something right.Copy !req
110. - Told you there'd be sausage rolls.
- Look at him,Copy !req
111. - fucking milking it.
- Jay, he's in a wheelchair.Copy !req
112. - He was always a bit lazy, though.
- I don't think it's that, Neil.Copy !req
113. Why is Carli finding
him so funny? I mean,Copy !req
114. what can he be saying that's
so funny? He was never funny.Copy !req
115. Excuse me, everyone,
quiet, I want to talk.Copy !req
116. I wanted to say
super thanks to everyoneCopy !req
117. who's given up their time to take
part in the fashion show tomorrowCopy !req
118. to raise money for a new dialysis
machine for St Margarets.Copy !req
119. Especially all the sexy girls.Copy !req
120. Did he just say "super thanks"?Copy !req
121. No-one told me we was
raising money for that twat.Copy !req
122. - I might think twice about modelling tomorrow.
- You're not modelling anyway.Copy !req
123. It's going to be a gash-a-rama.
I might try getting a job backstage,Copy !req
124. so that way, I'll get to see some
close-up flange, but for charity.Copy !req
125. Hi, Simon. You coming to
the rehearsal after school?Copy !req
126. - Yeah, course.
- How much rehearsal does it takeCopy !req
127. - to walk up and down in a straight line?
- It's more for timings and stuff, really.Copy !req
128. - Do you need any helpers, Carli?
- Oh, brilliant, we do, actually.Copy !req
129. Hardly anyone has volunteered and we really
need people to help get the models dressed.Copy !req
130. Christ, I knew they were stupid,
but can't they even dress themselves?Copy !req
131. It's for the quick changes, actually.
Whip one outfit off and another on.Copy !req
132. - If you're sure you don't mind, Neil?
- Are you joking?Copy !req
133. Great, thanks.Copy !req
134. Hey, guys, everybody cool?Copy !req
135. Hi, I'm Will, by the way,
I'm relatively new.Copy !req
136. Are you the kid who
shit himself in the exam?Copy !req
137. Nice to meet you, too. Now, I was wondering
if you and I could have a chat about other waysCopy !req
138. to raise money, ways that could
include everyone, whatever they look like?Copy !req
139. Yeah, could do, only
you're not as pretty as Carli,Copy !req
140. so I think right now, I'm going
to chat to her, yeah? See ya.Copy !req
141. - Carli? Carli?
- Dick.Copy !req
142. You don't think him
and Carli are...Copy !req
143. - If they are, I bet he's "wheely" good at it.
- Brilliant.Copy !req
144. I'm going to have to go. I've got
a missed call from Ralph Lauren.Copy !req
145. Didn't even ring, did it?Copy !req
146. I'm well excited. Imagine the
birds I'm going to see as a dresser.Copy !req
147. It's not top international models, Neil, it's
just girls from school that you see every day.Copy !req
148. Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them
a lot more if I saw them naked.Copy !req
149. I'll say this for Neil, at least his ambitions
were simple. See tits and or fanny.Copy !req
150. Jay's were a lot more unrealistic.Copy !req
151. - Carli, can I have a word?
- I'm a bit busy. What's up?Copy !req
152. I was just wondering if you
need any more models for tomorrow?Copy !req
153. - No, we're fine.
- Good, good.Copy !req
154. I don't know if you noticed
but I've had my ear pierced.Copy !req
155. Oh, right.Copy !req
156. So do you think you
could fit one more in now?Copy !req
157. Well, no, because we only
have a certain amount of clothes.Copy !req
158. - I could wear my own clothes.
- We're probably OK.Copy !req
159. So I'm like "first reserve" then?Copy !req
160. We haven't really got
any reserves, so, sort of, no.Copy !req
161. Cool, cool, cool. Simples.Copy !req
162. How about a free ticket instead?Copy !req
163. Well, it's for charity, so there
aren't really any free tickets.Copy !req
164. Yeah, nice one, Carls.
I'll catch you later, yeah?Copy !req
165. So Jay had a size zero chance of becoming
a model, but Simon was practicing hard.Copy !req
166. Simon's my best friend.
This bloke is my best friend.Copy !req
167. What the fuck do you think
you're doing? Spying on me?Copy !req
168. Spying, is that
how you get your kicks?Copy !req
169. It's all right. It's just I think
we've found the new David Beckham.Copy !req
170. Right, that's it. That is it.Copy !req
171. I'm sick of you people. I'm leaving.Copy !req
172. You're not going out now,
you've got school tomorrow.Copy !req
173. Yeah, run away at the weekend
when you've got your car back.Copy !req
174. Well, I'm not spending another second
in this house with you utter twats!Copy !req
175. Where are you going, Paris or Milan?Copy !req
176. Fuck off!Copy !req
177. He's just like Naomi Campbell.Copy !req
178. So Simon was well on his way
to becoming a supermodel.Copy !req
179. He had the temperament, now all he needed
was bulimia and a cocaine addiction.Copy !req
180. The next night was the fashion show
and I realised in my role as doorman,Copy !req
181. I had the perfect opportunity
to ruin everything for everyone.Copy !req
182. I'm not saying don't give to
charity, do give to charity.Copy !req
183. I'm just saying you can give without
supporting this vanity fest.Copy !req
184. My daughter is one of the models.Copy !req
185. - Then you've failed her.
- What?Copy !req
186. God, £5, please.Copy !req
187. Will, I think it's so great you're
helping out. I knew you'd come round.Copy !req
188. I haven't come round! I still feel exactly the
same about this sham popularity parade.Copy !req
189. You're being such an arse!
What is wrong with you?Copy !req
190. Alistair nearly died. God!Copy !req
191. - Carli! What did you say to her?
- Nothing.Copy !req
192. Maybe a small dose of the truth.Copy !req
193. Will, seriously, you have to stop
cock-blocking with all this principled shit.Copy !req
194. Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn't stood up
for his beliefs, where would we be now?Copy !req
195. - We wouldn't have Nelson's Column, for a start.
- Yes, we would.Copy !req
196. Right, I'd better have a
piss before this starts.Copy !req
197. - And a poo, Si?
- What have you done?Copy !req
198. - It's my new look.
- What, the Pat Butcher look?Copy !req
199. - I'd say more Pirates Of The Caribbean.
- Exactly!Copy !req
200. - If the pirates shopped at Matalan.
- You won't be laughingCopy !req
201. when I'm getting all the pussy
cos I'm up on the catwalk.Copy !req
202. You're not on the catwalk.
You aren't modelling.Copy !req
203. - I'm first reserve.
- What, in case the modelsCopy !req
204. fancy themselves so much they
actually eat themselves?Copy !req
205. - You would if you could, though.
- What?Copy !req
206. - Suck yourself off.
- That's not what I meant.Copy !req
207. Yeah, but I bet you've tried it.
We all have.Copy !req
208. I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a
lot of stretching, twice a day for couple weeks.Copy !req
209. - Well, thanks for sharing, Neil.
- Right, I'm desperate for a piss.Copy !req
210. Neil may have had dirty stretching powers,
but what he really needed was X-ray vision.Copy !req
211. - Oh, what the fuck is this?
- It's a curtain.Copy !req
212. Where's all the birds? I thought it would
be wall-to-wall poontang in here.Copy !req
213. - Presumably they're on the other side.
- Well, why have they done that?Copy !req
214. - We can't see them getting undressed.
- For that exact reason, Neil.Copy !req
215. Fucking bollocks! That's a spanner
to my plan. There's got to be a hole.Copy !req
216. Come on, you're meant to
be getting my clothes ready.Copy !req
217. Yeah, I think this is
a little bit more important!Copy !req
218. - You ready to go, yeah, Simon?
- Yeah, nearly ready.Copy !req
219. Great. We're having an after-party
in the common room later.Copy !req
220. Mark Donovan's got some booze,
so you'll come to that, yeah?Copy !req
221. Yeah, obviously. Amazing.Copy !req
222. I was washing my hands and
it splashed back onto my lap.Copy !req
223. It's fine. Just make sure everything
is spotless for the runway, yeah?Copy !req
224. - I'm really sorry.
- It's OK.Copy !req
225. I've got to run. There's a million
things to deal with. Oh, Neil?Copy !req
226. - Do you know which boys you're dressing?
- Boys? I thought I was dressing the girls?Copy !req
227. No, of course not. You and
Mr Kennedy are dressing the boys.Copy !req
228. You were the only volunteers.
See you later.Copy !req
229. Oh, no.Copy !req
230. Paedo Kennedy? I suppose at least if
you run out of space you'll be ableCopy !req
231. to hang the clothes on
the end of his erect cock.Copy !req
232. So, no naked girls for Neil.
Just a sexual predator in a waistcoat.Copy !req
233. Meanwhile, I was having difficulty
convincing proud parents to join my boycott.Copy !req
234. - Charity, not vanity!
- Hello, stranger.Copy !req
235. - Charlotte!
- Hi.Copy !req
236. - Charlotte. Here!
- Yeah, good spot.Copy !req
237. Yes! No! I mean,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
238. Well, I had a reading week,
so I thought I'd come home.Copy !req
239. I didn't know this was your
sort of thing. You know, fashion.Copy !req
240. Oh, it's not. I think it's shit and everyone
taking part is a vain, talentless twat.Copy !req
241. - I'm in it.
- Apart from you. And maybe Si.Copy !req
242. Why did no-one tell me
you were in it?Copy !req
243. I didn't know if I could make it,
so they put me down as a "special guest",Copy !req
244. just cos I once did some
catalogue modelling.Copy !req
245. - Underwear?
- No.Copy !req
246. You are going to come and watch me though,
aren't you? Even though I'm a "talentless twat"?Copy !req
247. Yeah! No, I was only joking. Oh, yeah,
I'm really behind this whole thing,Copy !req
248. - taking the money, helping set it up...
- Why are you trying to ruin this event, McKenzie?Copy !req
249. - Good timing.
- Do you think kidney patients like meCopy !req
250. - should die? Is that it?
- Come on, mate. That's a bit extreme.Copy !req
251. - Is he trying to stop you coming in too?
- No, I'm one of the models.Copy !req
252. Oh, you must be Charlotte.Copy !req
253. Wowzeroony!Copy !req
254. Are you aware this weasel's trying to
stop people giving money to charity?Copy !req
255. - Will?
- No, that's not... entirely correct.Copy !req
256. Alistair, why don't we go chat
about this somewhere different, eh?Copy !req
257. - No, let's talk about it here.
- Wasn't a request. See you later, Charlotte!Copy !req
258. What are you doing?
Are you trying to wheel me away?Copy !req
259. This thing's got brakes, you know.
You can't just roll me off!Copy !req
260. You're trying to sabotage this event.Copy !req
261. I won't stand for it.Copy !req
262. You know what, I...
I won't stand for it. I won't have it.Copy !req
263. This is my special day
and you're trying to ruin it!Copy !req
264. I'm going to go and get ready.Copy !req
265. I think I got away with that.
Brilliant.Copy !req
266. No, of course I haven't got away with it.Copy !req
267. Backstage,
Simon's big moment had almost arrived.Copy !req
268. - And Neil didn't give a shit.
- Neil, give me a hand.Copy !req
269. This is torture. I've spent a week thinking
about the snatches back there.Copy !req
270. - I'm in a rush, Neil.
- I reckon Sarah Bell's got lovely nipples,Copy !req
271. - and I bet Jo Larken shaves her pubes.
- We can hear you, you pervert.Copy !req
272. - Who said that?
- It's only a curtain,Copy !req
273. - we can hear everything you're saying.
- Shit. He's really sorry.Copy !req
274. I recognise one of the
voices, it's Simon Cooper.Copy !req
275. - Do something, Neil.
- How big are Sarah Bell's nipples?Copy !req
276. - Right. That's it. I'm getting a teacher.
- Shit. Thanks, Neil, good job.Copy !req
277. - All right, Yves Saint le Ponce, what's going on?
- Neil's getting me in shit.Copy !req
278. They've put a curtain up so we can't
see the clunge. It's totally sexist.Copy !req
279. The crafty fuckers. They tried
this when we did the school play.Copy !req
280. We cut a hole in the curtain and stuck
our knobs through. It was well horny.Copy !req
281. - We were getting noshed-off between scenes.
- We can still hear you.Copy !req
282. - And that never happened.
- Simon, you're on, hon.Copy !req
283. - It's models only back here.
- Yeah, but look. Two.Copy !req
284. The left one looks infected.
Please hurry up, Simon, you're on next.Copy !req
285. Can someone just help me with
my fucking cufflinks, please?Copy !req
286. All right, precious. I'll help you.
But if you haven't got them on in 30 secondsCopy !req
287. - I'm going out there in your place.
- No, you aren't.Copy !req
288. The girls said there was
some sort of problem back...Copy !req
289. Come on, we'd better get
you out of these clothes.Copy !req
290. But, Sir, I'm not modelling.Copy !req
291. You should be.Copy !req
292. As Neil swerved the advances of a man
who it seemed incredible the school employed,Copy !req
293. the world's least stylish
fashion show got underway.Copy !req
294. Our first collection's
theme is glamorous nights,Copy !req
295. and is put together,
incorrect tense, by Carli D'Amato.Copy !req
296. Modelling, that should be two Is,
these gorgeous outfitsCopy !req
297. are the equally gorgeous...
Christ who wrote this...Copy !req
298. Stephen DeBell,
Richard Murray and Simon Cooper.Copy !req
299. I'm not sure what the word
for the opposite of cool is,Copy !req
300. but I think I know
what it looks like.Copy !req
301. Sadly, I couldn't enjoy Simon's
dreadful modelling for long.Copy !req
302. I had a two-wheeled
nightmare on my case.Copy !req
303. McKenzie!Copy !req
304. - You try anything like that again...
- I think we got off on the wrong foot...Copy !req
305. Is that meant to be a joke about the chair?
I can walk, you know, I just get tired easy.Copy !req
306. No, it's not that. I think
we just differ on ways to raise money.Copy !req
307. I happen to think that this
is exclusive and about vanity.Copy !req
308. And I happen to
think you're a wanker!Copy !req
309. - That's not very mature, is it?
- Even in this chair, I could kick your arse.Copy !req
310. I could kick your arse right in.Copy !req
311. - Let's not make a scene.
- Come on!Copy !req
312. You're mental. He's mental!Copy !req
313. Fuck you!Copy !req
314. Will, you've got to help me. I was supposed
to be modelling with Paul Keenan,Copy !req
315. but he got so nervous, he drank a bottle of vodka
and passed out. Please, will you take his place?Copy !req
316. Me?Copy !req
317. He won't do it, he thinks
it's exclusive vanity.Copy !req
318. - Right.
- No, he's talking shit, it's the painkillers.Copy !req
319. - Of course I'll do it.
- Great.Copy !req
320. - What? You hypocrite!
- OK. Right, you, time for a sleep.Copy !req
321. - Don't touch me!
- Come on!Copy !req
322. - Is he OK?
- Yeah. He's fine.Copy !req
323. He gets very grumpy when he's tired.Copy !req
324. Yes, this is going really well.
Amazingly, no cock-ups so far.Copy !req
325. Well done, you've mastered walking like a knob
and looking like a dick at the same time.Copy !req
326. This is actually enjoyable in an
"I'm shitting myself" kind of way.Copy !req
327. If you've shit in them trousers,
I'm ain't touching them.Copy !req
328. - Of course I haven't.
- You walk like you have.Copy !req
329. - Neil, quick, I need help getting dressed.
- You are dressed.Copy !req
330. Dressed into something else.
This. For the fashion show,Copy !req
331. - I'm modelling in the fashion show.
- That's not happening, I'm first reserve.Copy !req
332. - No, no way!
- What's up with you?Copy !req
333. - I thought this was the worst sort of vanity?
- Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.Copy !req
334. Somebody pulled out and Charlotte
asked me to fill in. So give me the clothes.Copy !req
335. Now it makes sense. One flash of Charlotte's
tits and your morals go out the window.Copy !req
336. We can discuss my morals later, after I get
these fucking jeans on! God, they're tight.Copy !req
337. It can't be comfortable
to wear jeans this tight every day.Copy !req
338. Here. Let me help.Copy !req
339. Well, this is fucking bang
out of order! I'm first reserve!Copy !req
340. It was me Charlotte wanted, she chose me,
that's the only reason I'm doing it.Copy !req
341. - They'll be sorry. I'll show them.
- Columbine massacre show them,Copy !req
342. - or futile gesture show them?
- Whatever's worse.Copy !req
343. Neil, you just brushed my penis there.Copy !req
344. Yeah.Copy !req
345. - That's the second time.
- Yeah, I know.Copy !req
346. Of course, the only reason I was taking part in
the fashion show was to get my penis brushed.Copy !req
347. But by Charlotte. Not Neil.Copy !req
348. Well done for getting ready
so quickly. Exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
349. Yeah. Look, I just wanted to say, I'm really
pleased you picked me. It means a lot.Copy !req
350. - I didn't have a choice, really, did I?
- Didn't you?Copy !req
351. No, we had to find someone
to fit the clothes and I was like,Copy !req
352. "Who do I know that's really short?"
And then obviously I thought of you.Copy !req
353. - Is that really the reason?
- No, not really.Copy !req
354. They let me choose
who I wanted, and I chose you.Copy !req
355. - Thanks, Charlotte.
- Although it did have to be someone short.Copy !req
356. - Right.
- And the next theme is...Copy !req
357. '70s Disco.Copy !req
358. Oh, brilliant.Copy !req
359. I'm a principled man.
And one of those principles turns outCopy !req
360. to be I'll do literally
anything a girl I fancy asks me to.Copy !req
361. All right. I'm willing to admit
I also got a bit carried away.Copy !req
362. But they do say a woman can tell a
lot about what a man's like in bedCopy !req
363. from the way he dances. Which
meant that if I did pull Charlotte,Copy !req
364. she'd be expecting surprising
enthusiasm, a lot of finger-work,Copy !req
365. and an abrupt stop
when I remembered where I was.Copy !req
366. Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally
experiencing some job satisfaction.Copy !req
367. - Fucking hell. At last.
- Simon, there's been a slight change of plan.Copy !req
368. Chris Yates was meant to be
wearing this for my sexy finale.Copy !req
369. But he's just taken off his shirt and his
back is disgustingly hairy so I sacked him.Copy !req
370. - I thought this was for charity?
- You know when you get hairCopy !req
371. caught in the plughole,
and it gets matted and wet?Copy !req
372. His back looked like that, it nearly
made me vomit, so he's sacked. Anyway,Copy !req
373. it means that I need you to wear
this instead for the sexy finale.Copy !req
374. - Are they Speedos?
- You've been brilliant all night.Copy !req
375. Plus you've got a great body.
Please, for me?Copy !req
376. - Of course.
- Thanks.Copy !req
377. See you out there.
You've got one minute.Copy !req
378. This is so fucking unfair!
So I'm not even second reserve now.Copy !req
379. - Who's she going to ask next, Big John?
- Do you want to wear the Speedos?Copy !req
380. What's the point?Copy !req
381. Mate, your ear don't look
great, it's covered in puss.Copy !req
382. Fucking hell. I'd better get
this looked at. Good luck, boner.Copy !req
383. Try not to get a stiffy in them Speedos.Copy !req
384. He's right, you're in trouble. I nearly
shot my bolt just looking at her,Copy !req
385. and all she was doing
was standing here.Copy !req
386. Did you hear what she said?
She thinks I've got a great body.Copy !req
387. If I could just do this one thing for her,
who knows what could happen?Copy !req
388. I know. You'll get a boner
in front of the whole school.Copy !req
389. And in Speedos,
there is no hiding it, trust me.Copy !req
390. It's only a couple of minutes,
I can do it.Copy !req
391. - I can do this.
- Simon, are you ready yet?Copy !req
392. Can you give me a hand, Neil?Copy !req
393. Nah, you're all right.Copy !req
394. Simon!Copy !req
395. That was so amazing, so brilliant.
I could not have done it without you.Copy !req
396. - How was it?
- He was brilliant!Copy !req
397. - Was he?
- Yeah, he was all, like, "Yay!"Copy !req
398. - I wasn't entirely "yay".
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
399. - it's time for the grand finale.
- Come on, Simon, we're on.Copy !req
400. - Are you all right?
- Please don't distract me.Copy !req
401. Simon was concentrating
so hard on not getting a boner,Copy !req
402. that he was oblivious to
what can only be describedCopy !req
403. as quite a serious
wardrobe malfunction.Copy !req
404. I loved that. Seriously,
thank you, Will. I'm so grateful.Copy !req
405. It was nothing,
just what was left of my dignity.Copy !req
406. Come on. It wasn't that bad. And what
other guy would have done that for me?Copy !req
407. I mean, Uni's great,
but there's no-one there like you.Copy !req
408. - Shut up.
- No, seriously,Copy !req
409. all I want is a boyfriend like you.
You're funny, and you're sweet,Copy !req
410. and you're kind to me.Copy !req
411. I think I'd be happy if I had
someone in my life just like you.Copy !req
412. Well, what about me?Copy !req
413. No, no, not you.
No, no, someone like you.Copy !req
414. You're so funny.
Not you, obviously.Copy !req
415. Come on, lovely,
let's go for a drink.Copy !req
416. No, I'm OK, thanks.
I'll just wait here, I think.Copy !req
417. OK.Copy !req
418. Nice one, twat-face, good dancing.
All that whining and complaining, for what?Copy !req
419. Nothing. You're what they call
a sanctimonious prick.Copy !req
420. Yes, well, good to talk
to you again, Al. Is that all?Copy !req
421. No.Copy !req
422. I hope one day
you get a serious illness, too.Copy !req
423. Oh, fuck off, Alistair, you dick!Copy !req
424. - You're a dick.
- You're a dick!Copy !req
425. - You were great!
- Bit of a weird reaction.Copy !req
426. It wasn't meant to be funny.
It was meant to be glamorous.Copy !req
427. - You're a dick!
- No, you're a dick!Copy !req
428. Guys, come on, calm down,
don't spoil a good evening.Copy !req
429. We've put on a great show and raised
a hell of a lot of money.Copy !req
430. - You know your testicle's sticking out?
- What?Copy !req
431. Is that why everyone was laughing?
Has it been out the whole time?Copy !req
432. Oh, my God, you've been
walking behind me, mocking me.Copy !req
433. You've ruined my big night.
I thought you liked me, you arsehole!Copy !req
434. - Carls, it's all right. It's cool. Come on.
- Carli, listen, please.Copy !req
435. - Bit overdramatic, it's only a bollock.
- Fucking hell, I'm going to kill Neil!Copy !req
436. - Didn't you feel a draft?
- It was tingling,Copy !req
437. but I thought it was nerves.
Oh, god. Do you think people saw?Copy !req
438. Yes. It was eye level
for most of the audience.Copy !req
439. God, no! No!Copy !req
440. Suppose you thought that was funny, did you?
Your little joke's got you in a lot of trouble.Copy !req
441. - Honestly, it wasn't a joke.
- No,Copy !req
442. there is nothing funny
about testicles, Cooper,Copy !req
443. as you'll discover tomorrow
in my office.Copy !req
444. - What?
- Sorry, sir.Copy !req
445. - That sounded a bit weird.
- No, it didn't.Copy !req
446. See me tomorrow.Copy !req
447. It did sound weird.
And talking of weird...Copy !req
448. Right, then,
let's get you out these clothes.Copy !req
449. - Sir, I told you I'm not modelling.
- No, you are, you are.Copy !req
450. I had a word with the man.
The man said.Copy !req
451. The show finished ten minutes ago.Copy !req
452. You been drinking, sir?Copy !req
453. Come on, John.
Let's go and get some fresh air.Copy !req
454. I'm putting my fucking neck
on the line for you, John!Copy !req
455. So we headed home, Simon
having learnt at least one thing.Copy !req
456. Never put on Speedos in a rush.Copy !req
457. Why did you agree
to wear it in the first place?Copy !req
458. Carli told me to.Copy !req
459. Even with your whole sack
covered, you'd look ridiculous.Copy !req
460. Speedos, DMs, top hat and a leash.
What maniac designed that?Copy !req
461. Who thought, "What's fashionable?
Dressing like an upper-class mental patient."Copy !req
462. - Did you get that boner, Si?
- No.Copy !req
463. Well done.Copy !req
464. But my left bollock was
sticking out the entire time.Copy !req
465. - Fucking hell! Unlucky.
- I blame you.Copy !req
466. - All right, gays?
- How's your ear, Jay?Copy !req
467. Perfect. That's why I've got
to wear this massive bandage.Copy !req
468. - That's your modelling career fucked.
- He never had a modelling career.Copy !req
469. I'm not bothered cos I fucked
the nurse that looked after me.Copy !req
470. The St John's Ambulance lady?Copy !req
471. - Yes.
- Isn't she Warren Duncan's nan?Copy !req
472. Nah, there was another one
that looked like Lucy Pinder.Copy !req
473. - Course there was.
- We going to this party, then?Copy !req
474. - I'm definitely not going.
- Nor me, I think I'd burst into tears.Copy !req
475. - Oh, what, cos you're so unpopular?
- No, Neil, because of Charlotte.Copy !req
476. - What happened with her, then?
- She basically told meCopy !req
477. - I had no chance, at all, ever.
- I told you that!Copy !req
478. Yeah, but funnily enough,
it hurt more coming from her.Copy !req
479. - You know I snogged her once.
- No, I did not know that!Copy !req
480. I could have sworn I told you.Copy !req
481. I think I would have remembered
such crushing news.Copy !req
482. - Don't worry, it was after you.
- That makes it worse.Copy !req
483. - Now it's like a betrayal, too.
- Was it just a snog?Copy !req
484. Neil, please.Copy !req
485. Yeah, course, mate.
Course. Just a snog.Copy !req
486. Well, that's something.Copy !req
487. I'd learnt a few things that week
myself. None good, all bad.Copy !req
488. Jay's driving is worse
than his fashion sense.Copy !req
489. Neil is catnip for paedos.Copy !req
490. Just because you've only got one kidney
doesn't mean you're not a total dick.Copy !req
491. And Simon has extremely hairy balls.Copy !req