1. JujulederCopy !req
2. The Inbetweeners 2x05
"The Duke of Edinburgh Awards"Copy !req
3. I was no stranger to Gilbert's office.
I often popped by with a complaintCopy !req
4. or a suggestion
on how the school could be better run.Copy !req
5. But today was different,
he'd actually invited me.Copy !req
6. Sit down.Copy !req
7. I'm glad to be here
because I needed to talk to you about...Copy !req
8. - Shut up.
- Sure.Copy !req
9. The headmaster has decided
it would be a good ideaCopy !req
10. for sixth formers to participate
in the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme.Copy !req
11. - I'd like you to co-ordinate it.
- Me? Really?Copy !req
12. Duke of Edinburgh representative
for the entire year?Copy !req
13. - Yes.
- I am honoured, sir.Copy !req
14. Thanks very much. Why me?Copy !req
15. You're a virgin, aren't you?Copy !req
16. Sorry?Copy !req
17. A virgin. You haven't had
full sexual intercourse?Copy !req
18. No.Copy !req
19. Well, there's your answer.
Now get out.Copy !req
20. Maybe we should arrange a weekly
meeting to check on my progress.Copy !req
21. You can if you like,
but I won't be there.Copy !req
22. Or I could compose a regular memo
with how it's all going.Copy !req
23. - Drop that in my pigeonhole.
- Great. Where's that, sir?Copy !req
24. Any bin.Copy !req
25. Any rubbish bin you see in,
or indeed, out of the school.Copy !req
26. Just pop all your thoughts in a
rubbish bin, and they'll get to me.Copy !req
27. Bye, McKenzie.Copy !req
28. So now I was Will McKenzie
"By Royal Appointment".Copy !req
29. But like all great leaders, I need
some idiots to use as cannon fodder.Copy !req
30. - Now, where would I find some idiots?
- Here, look at this.Copy !req
31. Holy shit! Poor fucker's
had all his hair removed with Immac.Copy !req
32. What?Copy !req
33. It's what birds use
to get a nice smooth fanny.Copy !req
34. I think my mum uses it for her legs.Copy !req
35. She wants to use it on her moustache
and the backs of her hands!Copy !req
36. - Brilliant!
- Gilbert just told me some great news.Copy !req
37. School's giving free briefcases
to speccy twats?Copy !req
38. - No.
- Your mum gives free blow jobs?Copy !req
39. - Not about my mum.
- You've been asked to appearCopy !req
40. on Who's The Gayest?Copy !req
41. Don't think that's even a real show.
Listen this!Copy !req
42. Gilbert has registered the school
for the Duke of Edinburgh Awards,Copy !req
43. - and I'm the co-ordinator.
- I thought you had good news?Copy !req
44. This is good news.Copy !req
45. Think how good a Duke of Edinburgh
Award will look on our UCAS forms.Copy !req
46. Now it sounds awesome!Copy !req
47. Simon, trust me, this will look
great on our uni applications.Copy !req
48. We get to help the community and also do
some pretty incredible activities, likeCopy !req
49. whitewater rafting, abseiling,
even mountain climbing.Copy !req
50. Sounds really gay.Copy !req
51. Who is this Duke of Edinburgh?
Does he teach it?Copy !req
52. No, course he doesn't teach it,
you fucking idiot.Copy !req
53. The Duke of Edinburgh
is Prince Charles.Copy !req
54. No, he isn't. It's his dad.Copy !req
55. King Philip?Copy !req
56. I mean, that is the Duke of Edinburgh
you're thinking of butCopy !req
57. - he's not the king.
- He fucks the Queen, though.Copy !req
58. - Probably up the arse.
- Do you want to sign up or not?Copy !req
59. You've gotta be fucking joking.
There's no wayCopy !req
60. I'm getting bummed by
some royal bloke on a mountain.Copy !req
61. Yes, I'm in.Copy !req
62. - Why, you twat?
- I've never met the Queen.Copy !req
63. - I'll think about it.
- Come on!Copy !req
64. You can't just have
"moping after Carli" on your UCAS form.Copy !req
65. - I do loads of things in my spare time.
- Masturbating doesn't count as a hobby.Copy !req
66. - Fuck it, go on, then.
- Great. I'll go and register us now.Copy !req
67. See you Sunday!Copy !req
68. Sunday?Copy !req
69. Yes, Sunday.Copy !req
70. My mum's barbecue?Copy !req
71. - Do you remember I invite you to?
- Not really.Copy !req
72. Don't worry, I'm coming. Wherever
your mum's snatch is, I'll be there.Copy !req
73. So the good news for fans of
overcooked meat, tedious small talkCopy !req
74. and weird neighbours was
it was my mum's barbecue,Copy !req
75. and it was rocking.Copy !req
76. This is a shit party.Copy !req
77. It's a middle-aged woman's barbecue.
Were you expecting the Playboy Mansion?Copy !req
78. Still shit.Copy !req
79. Si, I just saw your mum inside.
She looked pretty upset.Copy !req
80. No! Blubbing?Copy !req
81. She was a bit, yeah.Copy !req
82. Bloody hell! She's been a total baby
since Dad moved out.Copy !req
83. - Your dad's moved out?
- It's not biggy.Copy !req
84. It was bad lately,
so he left for a few weeksCopy !req
85. - while they sort stuff out.
- Like her face?Copy !req
86. It'll take more than weeks
to sort that mess out.Copy !req
87. Shut up, you cock!Copy !req
88. Do you maybe want to check she's OK?Copy !req
89. Not really. I've had it all week.
It's so embarrassing.Copy !req
90. - Do you want me to get rid of her?
- No, it's fine.Copy !req
91. OK, I'd better go and mingle.
Don't break or steal anything.Copy !req
92. We'll just go inside and get a beer.Copy !req
93. - No, you are banned from going inside.
- Why?Copy !req
94. Because you'll do something
like steal my mum's knickersCopy !req
95. to sniff and then wank with.Copy !req
96. - With?
- Yes, with.Copy !req
97. And then you'll take
great pleasure in telling meCopy !req
98. how you wrapped my mother's knickers
round your cockCopy !req
99. and used the friction generated whilst
thinking about her tits to make you cum.Copy !req
100. Hello, Will.Copy !req
101. Hello.Copy !req
102. Simon, do you mind if we go?Copy !req
103. Bloody hell, really?Copy !req
104. OK! Fine!Copy !req
105. While Simon offered his mother
a surly shoulder to cry on,Copy !req
106. I mingled
with a fellow tank top enthusiast.Copy !req
107. Shouldn't you be revising?Copy !req
108. Yes. One day off won't hurt.Copy !req
109. It might do.
My nephew went to Center ParcsCopy !req
110. six weeks before his entrance exam
to Oxford.Copy !req
111. He didn't make the cut,
decided to take a year out.Copy !req
112. All his friends went to university.Copy !req
113. By the time they returned for
Christmas, he'd hanged himself.Copy !req
114. Right.Copy !req
115. Thanks, Roy.Copy !req
116. - Sorry!
- Hello! You probably don't remember me.Copy !req
117. I used to baby-sit you.Copy !req
118. No, course I do. You're Daisy,
Maggie's daughter.Copy !req
119. Nice to see you again.
You look really different.Copy !req
120. You don't. I recognised your glasses
straight away and your funny walk.Copy !req
121. - People still laugh at your funny walk?
- Did people laugh at my walk?Copy !req
122. No.Copy !req
123. - A... bit.
- Great!Copy !req
124. Sorry, it's not that funny.
It's just... different.Copy !req
125. - To a normal one?
- Yes, but who wants normal?Copy !req
126. Well, me now!Copy !req
127. There's a guy at uni with six toes.
Everyone loves him.Copy !req
128. Right, good to know.
So what are you doing here?Copy !req
129. Well, I was invited.Copy !req
130. Yes, course.
I'm working part-timeCopy !req
131. at the old folk's home,
thought I'd pop by.Copy !req
132. What an incredibly
selfless thing to do!Copy !req
133. Not really.Copy !req
134. I'm hoping one of the rich ones
might write me into their will.Copy !req
135. Sounds great.Copy !req
136. Amazing.Copy !req
137. Well, we're always
on the lookout for volunteers.Copy !req
138. Really? We're doing
a volunteering scheme at school.Copy !req
139. Maybe you could get us
into the home.Copy !req
140. It's an old people's home.
There's not a waiting list.Copy !req
141. Yes. Sorry, course.Copy !req
142. So, you're still at school?Copy !req
143. Technically, yes,
but I'm very mature.Copy !req
144. - Right, you coming?
- God. Look.Copy !req
145. - Sorry, I have to deal with something.
- What's happened?Copy !req
146. My friends have just gone
into my house.Copy !req
147. - It doesn't sound catastrophic.
- You don't know them.Copy !req
148. Look, can you wait there?Copy !req
149. I'm off soon, but do get in touch
about the volunteering.Copy !req
150. Now let's see that funny walk again.Copy !req
151. - Really?
- For old times' sake.Copy !req
152. I don't really know how I do it.Copy !req
153. There it is!Copy !req
154. Daisy was perfect for me.Copy !req
155. She was older, more sophisticated,
caring and best of all,Copy !req
156. owned her own nurse's uniform.Copy !req
157. I've got some great news.
I spent the morning setting upCopy !req
158. our first D of E assignment.
It's today after school.Copy !req
159. - The what?
- D of E.Copy !req
160. It stands for "Duke of Edinburgh".Copy !req
161. It's what people refer to it as.Copy !req
162. We need to pack?
Is it mountain climbing?Copy !req
163. - No.
- I hope it's whitewater rafting.Copy !req
164. - Nope!
- What are we doing?Copy !req
165. We're doing voluntary work
at an old people's home.Copy !req
166. - Up a mountain?
- No, just round the corner from school.Copy !req
167. - Will, for fuck's sake!
- But Prince Charles'll be there?Copy !req
168. - No.
- Will, do we have to do this?Copy !req
169. There are several different modules
and this is one of them, so... yes.Copy !req
170. I am well glad I'm not doing it.Copy !req
171. I'm glad too,
cos you always fuck things up.Copy !req
172. And as this is important to me,
I don't want you anywhere near it.Copy !req
173. Yes, it's important for you to
spend time at an old people's home,Copy !req
174. because you're a paedo.Copy !req
175. If I did fancy old people,
which I don't,Copy !req
176. that would make me
the opposite of a paedo.Copy !req
177. He is right.Copy !req
178. - Well, then, he's an OAPaedo.
- Brilliant!Copy !req
179. - You're desperate for a gum job.
- Am I?Copy !req
180. "Hello, I'm Will. Pop your teeth out,
Doris, and have a little nosh on this."Copy !req
181. - Right. Any more?
- Yeah, give us a minute.Copy !req
182. Something about you needing
a queering aid.Copy !req
183. I decided not to mention
that Daisy was the real reason,Copy !req
184. we had to spend the next weeks
nursing the elderly,Copy !req
185. and focused on the positives.Copy !req
186. Great guys.Copy !req
187. Think of stories these people will have,
how much we can learn from them.Copy !req
188. Is it going to be boring,
like reading?Copy !req
189. Fuck!Copy !req
190. - It don't smell great.
- Guys,Copy !req
191. it is such a cliche
that old people smell.Copy !req
192. - I thought you were better than that.
- But it does smell in here.Copy !req
193. In here, granted, it does smell.Copy !req
194. But the point is, we're here
to change things for these people.Copy !req
195. That's what the D of E Award's
all about.Copy !req
196. Great!Copy !req
197. Let's skip the abseiling
and just watch this lot sleep, then!Copy !req
198. I promise this'll be worth it.Copy !req
199. Hello!Copy !req
200. - Hello.
- I think I've done a poo.Copy !req
201. That's not good. Wait there.Copy !req
202. - Thank God, Daisy.
- Hello again.Copy !req
203. Great to see you.
Now, I've got a bit of a problem.Copy !req
204. Is it the smell? You get used to it.Copy !req
205. No, I've helped an old lady
to the toiletCopy !req
206. and now she is in and I didn't realise
the help would extend to helping her goCopy !req
207. and I don't want to see her...Copy !req
208. You know...Copy !req
209. Fanny?Copy !req
210. - Yeah.
- You don't like fannies, then?Copy !req
211. No, love them, love the fannies.Copy !req
212. It's just an old lady's fanny.
Not that she isn't a person.Copy !req
213. It's just her fanny
is... hers and is... private.Copy !req
214. Why am I talking about old fannies?
Why am I talking about fannies at all?Copy !req
215. - Is she there?
- Yes.Copy !req
216. That's fine. You get used
to the fannies. And the balls.Copy !req
217. They're lovely old boys here,
but, goodness, some of their balls!Copy !req
218. Wish me luck!Copy !req
219. So what do we do?Copy !req
220. - Just keep an eye on them, I guess.
- To make sure we don't lose any?Copy !req
221. - They'll not try an escape, I think.
- My tortoise kept running away.Copy !req
222. - What has that got to do with anything?
- Well, that was old and wrinkly.Copy !req
223. Dead now, of course.Copy !req
224. Off you go, Phyllis. Just give us
a bit more warning next time.Copy !req
225. - Sorry, I was a bit useless there.
- It just takes practice.Copy !req
226. We'll soon turn you into the
Florence Nightingale of old arses.Copy !req
227. - How do you do it?
- Front to back.Copy !req
228. No, I mean dedicating your life
to helping others.Copy !req
229. It's just a job.Copy !req
230. And I'm not feeling
particularly dedicated today.Copy !req
231. - Anything I can do to help?
- No.Copy !req
232. I can't get tomorrow off to go
to my friend's party.Copy !req
233. Well, I'll be around tomorrow.Copy !req
234. And so will my friends.
We could cover for you!Copy !req
235. That's sweet, but I'd need cover
for the overnight shift, too.Copy !req
236. I'll do that myself!
I'll stay up all night if I have to.Copy !req
237. Seriously?Copy !req
238. You shall go to the ball,
Cinderella!Copy !req
239. You're such a twat,Copy !req
240. but a very sweet one. Thanks.Copy !req
241. - I owe you one.
- Then let me take you to dinner.Copy !req
242. - Dinner?
- Yes, dinner.Copy !req
243. Is it not old for you?Copy !req
244. I'm mature for my age. Normally it's a
curse, but now it seems worthwhile.Copy !req
245. All right, go on, then.Copy !req
246. - Friday?
- Great.Copy !req
247. Cool, I'll see you then.
Thanks again, toy boy!Copy !req
248. Yes! I'd done it. My ex-baby-sitter
had agreed to go out with me,Copy !req
249. and all I had to do was ask her.Copy !req
250. And pretend my mates were happy
to spend time to bathe geriatrics.Copy !req
251. So, how was your evening
with the zombies, then?Copy !req
252. Creepy. Glad I'm not going back.Copy !req
253. What?Copy !req
254. - Sorry, I can't do it any more.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
255. You've got to cover
an extra shift tonight.Copy !req
256. You can't do this to me!Copy !req
257. I've got to go and see my dad.Copy !req
258. Now he's moved out, apparently
I've got to spend time with him.Copy !req
259. It's such a wind-up.Copy !req
260. Fuck! This is a fucking disaster!Copy !req
261. I promised Daisy
the three of us would cover her.Copy !req
262. There's a bird involved.
Now I get it.Copy !req
263. Oh, God! I can't let her down.Copy !req
264. She's agreed to go to dinner with me
to say thanks for covering.Copy !req
265. Dinner!Copy !req
266. - Maybe she won't mind.
- Course she'll mind!Copy !req
267. She's only going
cos he's doing her a favour.Copy !req
268. It's tragic.Copy !req
269. - God!
- Jay, why don't you cover?Copy !req
270. - Fuck off. I've got things to do.
- What did you do last night, then?Copy !req
271. - Went down the park.
- The park? Did you play on the swings?Copy !req
272. At least I don't have to wipe old
arse for the next three monthsCopy !req
273. just to get a Duke of Spastic Award.Copy !req
274. Come on, Jay. Just think of it
as doing me a huge favour.Copy !req
275. Why would I do you a favour?Copy !req
276. - For money?
- I would do it for money. How much?Copy !req
277. It's Neil's idea. I'm not going
to pay you to do voluntary work.Copy !req
278. - 30 quid and I'll do it.
- 40.Copy !req
279. If you get this nurse bird to
nosh you off, then it's a bargain.Copy !req
280. You really are a vile human being.Copy !req
281. - Tenner?
- 20.Copy !req
282. - God. All right, then, done.
- Yep.Copy !req
283. Sometimes, you just have to
dance with the devil...Copy !req
284. or do voluntary work
with a sex pest.Copy !req
285. Without doubt, the worst thing
about your dad leaving homeCopy !req
286. is having to eat at places like
Little Chef and the Big SteakhouseCopy !req
287. while he tries to bond with you.Copy !req
288. Look,
I know this stuff with your mumCopy !req
289. is tough for you guys.
You've probably got a lot of questions.Copy !req
290. - Can I get a new car?
- Then I want a new computer.Copy !req
291. - You had a new computer last year.
- You got a new car six months ago.Copy !req
292. Yeah, but it's shit.Copy !req
293. Boys. I meant questions
about your mum and me.Copy !req
294. Not really. Can I go now?Copy !req
295. It's been really good to see you.Copy !req
296. I'm sorry to dump on you like this, but
I've not got anyone else to talk to.Copy !req
297. - It's OK, Dad, I understand.
- It's just...Copy !req
298. Things are complicated with your mum
and me, not just sexually.Copy !req
299. - It's getting late now, Dad.
- She had a huge appetite for it.Copy !req
300. - Huge!
- Please,Copy !req
301. - Don't, please...
- I wish I could stop my urges,Copy !req
302. problem solved.Copy !req
303. But I'm a very sexual person.
Always have been.Copy !req
304. - Is it the same for you?
- I'd better get going.Copy !req
305. Yeah, OK.Copy !req
306. Dad...Copy !req
307. Everything is going to be OK, right?Copy !req
308. I hope so.Copy !req
309. Look, maybe at the weekend
we can have a look around some car lots,Copy !req
310. see if we can't get an upgrade
on the yellow peril.Copy !req
311. Thanks. That'd be brilliant.Copy !req
312. One more thing.
Can I borrow your laptop for a few days?Copy !req
313. The movie channels in here are a little
bit soft, if you get what I mean.Copy !req
314. So while Simon was struggling
to keep his mixed grill down,Copy !req
315. in his place I had Jay
helping me out at the home.Copy !req
316. Lucky me.Copy !req
317. Careful, you'll wake Brian.Copy !req
318. Fucking hell! If you love Brian's old
cock so much, why don't you marry him?Copy !req
319. This is boring.Copy !req
320. - I'm going for a quick tug.
- What, in here?Copy !req
321. Nah. There must be a spare room
around here somewhere.Copy !req
322. There's a bedroom free if you want.Copy !req
323. - Perfect.
- Someone died in it. It may be haunted?Copy !req
324. I don't know, but it'll be covered
in ectoplasm when I'm finished.Copy !req
325. - Cos of the ghosts?
- No, cos I'll spunk all over it!Copy !req
326. The problem pages in these
are wanking gold.Copy !req
327. See you later, mug!Copy !req
328. My plan to impress Daisy
was working,Copy !req
329. apart from Jay masturbating
into a resident's sinkCopy !req
330. and me being so knackered
from covering the overnight shiftCopy !req
331. that I fell asleep at school,
never a good idea.Copy !req
332. Here he is.Copy !req
333. Sleeping Ugly.Copy !req
334. Get any grey minge last night, eh?Copy !req
335. I know
why you was really there overnight.Copy !req
336. You got a geriatric girlfriend,
didn't you?Copy !req
337. I bet you creep into her room,
kiss her on the false teethCopy !req
338. and then slide right up inside
her powdery old fanny.Copy !req
339. He's asleep, I reckon.Copy !req
340. Oh, my God!Copy !req
341. I don't believe it. It's perfect.Copy !req
342. What you got there?Copy !req
343. Hair-removal cream,
like in them photos.Copy !req
344. I nicked it from Sadie Cunningham's
bag during registration.Copy !req
345. Her bush'll go out of control,
but this'll be well worth it.Copy !req
346. - No way!
- Give us a hand, Neil.Copy !req
347. Shouldn't need too much.Copy !req
348. He's probably only got four pubes
and he pisses through one of them.Copy !req
349. So, unbeknownst to me,
I'd been robbed of my pubic hairs.Copy !req
350. The date with Daisy was few hours away
and I had alopecia of the ball bag.Copy !req
351. Terrifyingly,
Simon was my only hope.Copy !req
352. This story with my dad
is doing my head in.Copy !req
353. I know mate, but it'll get better.Copy !req
354. I bloody hope so.
Christ, he's boring!Copy !req
355. He keeps trying to talk to me
man to man. I can't bear it.Copy !req
356. We still need help
at the old people's home if you want.Copy !req
357. Anything, so I don't have to hear
about my parents' sex life.Copy !req
358. - Is that a yes?
- Yes!Copy !req
359. Can I have my shitty
voluntary job back, please?Copy !req
360. Great. I get to sack Jay.
That'll be good.Copy !req
361. Are you sure you're OK
about your mum and dad?Copy !req
362. Yeah, yeah. They'll sort it out.Copy !req
363. Well, I just want you to know
I'm here for you.Copy !req
364. - Thanks, mate.
- Just like I knowCopy !req
365. that you're there for me
if I need you.Copy !req
366. - Yeah, course.
- Good, cos I need you to do something.Copy !req
367. - OK. What is it?
- Have a look at my cock.Copy !req
368. Not in a gay way.
Something's gone wrong.Copy !req
369. I think looking at your cock at all
is a bit gay.Copy !req
370. Please, I'm serious.
All my pubes have fallen out.Copy !req
371. - What?
- I was asleep at schoolCopy !req
372. and must have had a wet dream
cos it was all sticky...Copy !req
373. - You spunked in the common room?
- Yes, but listen!Copy !req
374. I went home to clean up and all
my pubes came off in the shower.Copy !req
375. Sorry, you spunked your pantsCopy !req
376. in the common room during the day,Copy !req
377. - when there were people around?
- Yes.Copy !req
378. - And then your pubes fell out?
- Yes!Copy !req
379. - This is way out of my league.
- Just look.Copy !req
380. Normally, it wouldn't matter,
but I've got that date with Daisy.Copy !req
381. What if she wants more than a snog?Copy !req
382. Even a snog's unlikely,
no offence, but go on.Copy !req
383. Well, if the miracle does happen
and she touches or, worse,Copy !req
384. sees the bald old fella,
what's she going to think?Copy !req
385. - That you're a porn star?
- Look at me.Copy !req
386. I don't think she's gonna
think I'm a porn star.Copy !req
387. Maybe you could draw some pubes on
with a marker pen.Copy !req
388. OK, good idea. And after that, maybe
I'll draw a six-pack on my stomach!Copy !req
389. - Or a longer cock!
- Or wearing a wig down there?Copy !req
390. Good idea! A cock wig!Copy !req
391. What sort of idea is that?
Fucking wig!Copy !req
392. If you don't want my help, I'll go.Copy !req
393. I'm sorry if I seem a little stressed.
It's just I've got no fucking pubes!Copy !req
394. Sorry, Simon, I do want your help.Copy !req
395. - Please look at my cock.
- No!Copy !req
396. Simon was useless,
and soon it was time for my date.Copy !req
397. Despite my alarming lack of pubes,
I tried to put on a brave face.Copy !req
398. You look nice. I'm just going to
wash my hands, then we'll go.Copy !req
399. - Yeah. Great.
- I'll meet you outside.Copy !req
400. Fantastic.Copy !req
401. It may have been a rush of blood
to my head,Copy !req
402. or maybe the slight chill
around my balls,Copy !req
403. but suddenly Simon's cock-wig advice
seemed my best shot.Copy !req
404. - You ready?
- Yeah, sure am.Copy !req
405. It was itchy,
but I kind of liked it.Copy !req
406. I cannot believe that plum Will
is gonna pay me for yesterdayCopy !req
407. when all I did was watch TV
and slope off for a crafty wank.Copy !req
408. I'm being paid to wank.
It's my perfect job.Copy !req
409. And tomorrow,
I get 20 quid to do it all over again.Copy !req
410. You go to an old people's home
and wank off?Copy !req
411. Doesn't that seem weird to you?Copy !req
412. Sometimes I even slip a finger
up my arse while doing it.Copy !req
413. Well, I'm going back tomorrow, you need
to find somewhere else to bash one out.Copy !req
414. No, I'll still be there.
Easiest money I've ever earned.Copy !req
415. - He won't pay if you are useless.
- Yes, he will.Copy !req
416. He's got to give me notice.Copy !req
417. I'm a paid voluntary worker.
I've got rights.Copy !req
418. - Hi, Simon.
- Dad? What are you doing here?Copy !req
419. Me and your mum are just
talking things through.Copy !req
420. Oh, great. That's great.
Yeah, listen, you got any johnnies?Copy !req
421. So while Simon's parents
had noisy, unprotected sex,Copy !req
422. my dinner date was going well,Copy !req
423. considering I had
a pensioner's wig in my pants.Copy !req
424. Did I just drink a whole bottle
of Pinot Grigio?Copy !req
425. I wasn't keeping score,
but it looked like that.Copy !req
426. God. And I only really came
to dinner to say thank youCopy !req
427. - for doing my shift the last time.
- My pleasure. It was easy.Copy !req
428. It was as quiet as the place
directly before the grave.Copy !req
429. - You're funny.
- I try.Copy !req
430. - No, I really do try.
- God, come here.Copy !req
431. - Nice.
- What am I doing? You're so young.Copy !req
432. Yes, I am, but...Copy !req
433. No, for God's sake, don't talk.
Just come back with me.Copy !req
434. I can't believe I'm doing this.
I'm going to blame the white wine.Copy !req
435. This was amazing. And although,
in her role as a nurse,Copy !req
436. I was sure Daisy had seen genitalia
much more horrific than mine,Copy !req
437. she probably hadn't seen someone
with a wig stuffed down there.Copy !req
438. So after 17 years of trying
to get girls to touch my penis,Copy !req
439. I was now doing everything
I could to prevent it.Copy !req
440. - What the fuck is this?
- Daisy, I'm sorry.Copy !req
441. - Please let me explain.
- Is it a wig?Copy !req
442. It's a long story,Copy !req
443. but I've just not got
any hair down there.Copy !req
444. No. No, of course you haven't.Copy !req
445. I forget how young you are.Copy !req
446. I shouldn't be doing this.
You're a child!Copy !req
447. No, no, no, it's not that.
I have had hair...Copy !req
448. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
I know you're not ready,Copy !req
449. you should be allowed to mature
at your own pace.Copy !req
450. Look, forget about the hair!
It still works.Copy !req
451. Touch it. You might like it.Copy !req
452. I'm sorry.Copy !req
453. Is this Phyllis's wig?Copy !req
454. So my stupid, hairless gonads
had ruined it for me.Copy !req
455. And even worse, we still had two
weeks' tedious voluntary work left.Copy !req
456. Why stay here?
You're not pay for it.Copy !req
457. I like them.
They're like people, too.Copy !req
458. - You fancy them, is what you mean.
- No, it's justCopy !req
459. people like Brian, they've lived.Copy !req
460. - I think they're boring.
- Yeah,Copy !req
461. but it's a different boring,
you know?Copy !req
462. No.Copy !req
463. - Right, I think it's about that time.
- What, again?Copy !req
464. With as much spunk as I have,
you need to release the valve.Copy !req
465. I've got it down to about
30 seconds now.Copy !req
466. - You want a copy of Hello!
- No, I've done that cover to cover.Copy !req
467. I need some new material.Copy !req
468. I even had to have a wank
over Fern Britton the other day.Copy !req
469. If you see Baldy Bollocks,
cover for us.Copy !req
470. Daisy, listen, I just wanted to try
and clear the air about last night.Copy !req
471. I'm sorry, I'm too embarrassed.
I've got to sort out a new resident.Copy !req
472. I don't know what happened.Copy !req
473. I used to have loads of hair
down there.Copy !req
474. It went all over my balls, and I've
still got loads in my arse crack!Copy !req
475. Will, sometimes it's better
just not to say anything.Copy !req
476. So while I was
flogging a dead horse,Copy !req
477. Jay was thinking about
flogging something else,Copy !req
478. and in his never-ending quest
for fresh material,Copy !req
479. he plumbed new depths.Copy !req
480. Hello! Who's that?Copy !req
481. God!Copy !req
482. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
483. Don't worry, love.
I've seen it all before.Copy !req
484. - I thought it was empty.
- Your mum's settling in OK.Copy !req
485. This is Jay. He's helping out
as part of Duke of Edinburgh.Copy !req
486. How nice.
Thanks for looking after Mum.Copy !req
487. He did that looking at me.Copy !req
488. - Thanks a bunch, Jay. Nice job!
- I didn't do nothing.Copy !req
489. - Really? Didn't sound like nothing.
- It was a misunderstanding.Copy !req
490. I don't know why you're being
so fucking menstrual.Copy !req
491. Maybe I'm being a bit menstrualCopy !req
492. cos not only have you got us
chucked off Duke of Edinburgh,Copy !req
493. but you've also blown it for me
with a sexy woman.Copy !req
494. - And that was my fault, was it?
- Yes, it was.Copy !req
495. - How?
- You wanked at an old lady!Copy !req
496. And putting a wig down your pants
had nothing to do with it?Copy !req
497. - That was a terrible idea, mate.
- That was your idea!Copy !req
498. A wig?Copy !req
499. - What were you thinking?
- Maybe "What am I going to do?Copy !req
500. "My pubes have fallen out cos my friends
got the idea to put hair-remover on it!"Copy !req
501. - And it was.
- At least Daisy touched your cock.Copy !req
502. No. She couldn't get her hand
through the lining.Copy !req
503. You still owe me 40 quid
for those two shifts.Copy !req
504. I think you may be waiting a while
for that payment.Copy !req
505. We shook on it!Copy !req
506. Yes, well, we all know what happens
when you shake on things.Copy !req
507. They say every defeat
is a victory if you learn from it.Copy !req
508. Not this one. It had simply been
a credibility-crushing...Copy !req
509. You're a virgin?Copy !req
510. pube-losing,Copy !req
511. granny-wanking royal disaster.Copy !req
512. Is Prince Charles
cross with us, sir?Copy !req