1. The local park,Copy !req
2. where people come
to play football,Copy !req
3. hang out with their friends,Copy !req
4. and most importantly,
let their dogs shit.Copy !req
5. It's not a cool place,
admittedly,Copy !req
6. but it is a good place
to stare at girls.Copy !req
7. And if anything is worthCopy !req
8. braving this
dog-shit minefield for,Copy !req
9. it's staring at girls.Copy !req
10. You lot are so gay.
Why aren't we playing football?Copy !req
11. Chasing men around a field
with your top off,Copy !req
12. what could be
more gay than that?Copy !req
13. You.Copy !req
14. Brilliant.
Anyway, we're playing FrisbeeCopy !req
15. because girls can join in.Copy !req
16. Trust me, girls love this.Copy !req
17. Border Collies love this. You're
just scared to play footballCopy !req
18. in case Donovan joins in
and breaks your legs.Copy !req
19. - That's not true.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
20. Check out the Jugasaurus Rex!Copy !req
21. Shit! And it's Carli.Copy !req
22. Perfect. Watch this.Copy !req
23. Carli!Copy !req
24. Carli! Catch!Copy !req
25. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
26. Oh, my God. I'm sorry!Copy !req
27. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.Copy !req
28. I'm really, really sorry.Copy !req
29. So as I say, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.Copy !req
30. It's fine. You've apologized
about 30 times. Come on.Copy !req
31. I'm going to get my Frisbee.Copy !req
32. Hey! Those wankers are nicking
that girl's Frisbee. Hey!Copy !req
33. It's my Frisbee! I've got a
receipt!Copy !req
34. I've got a receipt!Copy !req
35. And so, in what I can only
describeCopy !req
36. as an attack of Frisbee rage,Copy !req
37. once again we found ourselves
running from Donovan.Copy !req
38. All right?Copy !req
39. - Not really.
- What's up?Copy !req
40. Well, think back, Neil.Copy !req
41. Last time you saw us,
before you legged it,Copy !req
42. a Frisbee was heading
towards a disabled girl's face.Copy !req
43. Oh, did it hit her
in the face then?Copy !req
44. Bingo!Copy !req
45. Was the girl in the wheelchair
all right?Copy !req
46. I don't want to talk about it.
I've lost my Frisbee Aero B Pro.Copy !req
47. Is the gayest sentence ever.Copy !req
48. That's it. We can't
bunk off tomorrow now.Copy !req
49. - Why?
- Because it's bad karma.Copy !req
50. For hitting a spastic.
Well, it could be a sign.Copy !req
51. A sign that you've
shit your pants?Copy !req
52. I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm heading home.Copy !req
53. To wank over your mum's bras?Copy !req
54. Well, as she's my mum,
probably not.Copy !req
55. - Good, can I have them then?
- No. But you can have, um, that.Copy !req
56. And that.Copy !req
57. - See you tomorrow.
See you.Copy !req
58. I'd only been
in state education a monthCopy !req
59. and yet the next morning,Copy !req
60. I found myself
ready to break the law.Copy !req
61. Okay,
it was the truancy law,Copy !req
62. but it was still
the worst thing I'd ever done.Copy !req
63. - Hello, William.
- Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Is Simon in?Copy !req
64. Yes, unless he ran away in the
middle of the night. Simon!Copy !req
65. Yes. All right, Will, come in.Copy !req
66. Why aren't you in uniform?Copy !req
67. We're sorry, Mrs. Cooper,
it was Jay's idea—Copy !req
68. Sorry, we forgot to tell you it
was a non-uniform day.Copy !req
69. - No, it's not. Bye.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
70. For Years 12 and 13.
It is, you little shit!Copy !req
71. Right, so it's a Year 12
non-uniform day?Copy !req
72. For Christ's sake,
Simon, you're 17 now,Copy !req
73. I don't want to play
these stupid games.Copy !req
74. It's a bloody non-uniform day,
all right?Copy !req
75. I don't believe you. Will?Copy !req
76. Yes, it's a non-uniform day.Copy !req
77. - See?
- Fine. Fine.Copy !req
78. But if you've lied to me
I won't be angry,Copy !req
79. I will be really, really
disappointed.Copy !req
80. How stupid is she
that she totally believed us?Copy !req
81. That's my mum.Copy !req
82. Sorry, did you see the way
I just lied to her?Copy !req
83. I totally did it.Copy !req
84. We're bunking off.Copy !req
85. - Who are you calling?
- School.Copy !req
86. I'll just say we're ill
and won't be in today.Copy !req
87. No, really. Who are you calling?Copy !req
88. Don't shit your pants. I'm only
phoning the school secretary,Copy !req
89. not fucking MI5.Copy !req
90. Hello, this is Mrs. Cooper,
Simon's mother. Year 12.Copy !req
91. Simon and William MacKenzie
have food poisoning.Copy !req
92. Must have been the chicken.Copy !req
93. You're putting on
your mum's voice?Copy !req
94. I'm sorry. Mrs. Cooper,
now you say your son is ill?Copy !req
95. - Yes.-Well, Mr. Gilbert,Copy !req
96. the Head of Sixth is just here.
I'll pass him over. Hold on.Copy !req
97. No, there's really no need.Copy !req
98. If we hurry, we can still
make it in time for English.Copy !req
99. Hello?Copy !req
100. Hello, this is Mrs. Cooper.
Simon and his friend, William,Copy !req
101. are ill. Goodbye.Copy !req
102. - Mrs. Cooper?-Yes.Copy !req
103. What exactly
is wrong with Simon?Copy !req
104. Food poisoning.Copy !req
105. Okay, Simon,
I know you're bullshitting me.Copy !req
106. I think you'd better get in
to school.Copy !req
107. Cheers. All the best. God bless.Copy !req
108. - Get in before you make me—Copy !req
109. Well, that was fucking dreadful.Copy !req
110. - I think he bought it, though.
- In what way did he buy it?Copy !req
111. I think he thought that was my
mum.Copy !req
112. So, with our terrible
alibi in place,Copy !req
113. phase two of the plan
was how to get some booze.Copy !req
114. You look like you're on day
release.Copy !req
115. They'll never serve you.Copy !req
116. - Ohh, what about this one?
- No, not one of his suits.Copy !req
117. He'll go mental if he finds out.Copy !req
118. - Shirts.
- Not the suit.Copy !req
119. - Yes!
- Not the suit.Copy !req
120. And so in Simon's dad's
suit,Copy !req
121. and looking a bit
like a Hasidic Jew,Copy !req
122. we headed
for the off-license.Copy !req
123. What are you wearing?Copy !req
124. The suit's my dad's.
He insisted.Copy !req
125. - The hat's his though.
- What a bellend!Copy !req
126. I'm just an adult man
stocking up on booze.Copy !req
127. This'll work. £10 each, please.Copy !req
128. And as none of you offered to do
it, you can fuck off.Copy !req
129. - What?
- Nothing.Copy !req
130. Unlike those morons,Copy !req
131. I knew the key to getting
served was confidence.Copy !req
132. Good day.Copy !req
133. Sorry?Copy !req
134. Good day.Copy !req
135. Ah.Copy !req
136. Hello.Copy !req
137. Pow.Copy !req
138. - Oh, shit.
- What?Copy !req
139. Nothing.Copy !req
140. It's Carli's mum, isn't it?
Oi!Copy !req
141. Jay, please, don't.
She'll recognize me.Copy !req
142. He wants to suck your Carli's
tits!Copy !req
143. Unbelievable.Copy !req
144. The key is
to let the shop ownerCopy !req
145. know who's in control.Copy !req
146. It like a Jedi mind trick.Copy !req
147. I am an adult.
You will serve me.Copy !req
148. - Can I help at all?
- Yes.Copy !req
149. I am a man who has recently
bought a house in the local areaCopy !req
150. and I'm having a house-warming
partyCopy !req
151. to which I'll be inviting
a lot of the local adults to.Copy !req
152. - Uh, hence the crisps.
- Yes.Copy !req
153. And I'll also probably need
some...Copy !req
154. alcohol as well. As well as the
crisps, et cetera.Copy !req
155. Right. What are you looking for?Copy !req
156. Some Beefeater gin.Copy !req
157. - Okay. How about two bottles?
- Excellent.Copy !req
158. - Some wine?
- Christ, no.Copy !req
159. We're not made of money.Copy !req
160. And I'll have some extra-strong
mints.Copy !req
161. For those who are
drink-driving.Copy !req
162. Right.Copy !req
163. That comes to £29.50.
Anything else?Copy !req
164. - What's on special?Copy !req
165. I'll give you a bottle of
Drambuie for a tennerCopy !req
166. if you pay and are out the shop
in five seconds.Copy !req
167. Done. My good man.Copy !req
168. I shall invite you to the party.Copy !req
169. - Mission accomplished.
- What's in all the bags then?Copy !req
170. Just something to soak up the
alcohol.Copy !req
171. - Crisps?
- Where's the beer?Copy !req
172. Have you spent all our money
on fancy fucking crisps?Copy !req
173. - You twat.
- What the fuck's this?Copy !req
174. - Drambuie.
- What's Drambuie?Copy !req
175. - It's whisky-based liqueur.
- What's a liqueur?Copy !req
176. - It's what benders drink.
- Why have we got that then?Copy !req
177. 'Cause we're heading to yoursCopy !req
178. and it's your dad's
favorite drink.Copy !req
179. My dad's not bent.Copy !req
180. - He is a bit though.
- He's fucking not.Copy !req
181. Right, let's look at the
evidence.Copy !req
182. One, your mum left him
because he loves cock.Copy !req
183. That's not true.
She was in a difficult place.Copy !req
184. - In bed with a bender.
- Your dad, who is a bender.Copy !req
185. Two, he wears tight denim shorts
to do the gardening.Copy !req
186. And the only night he goes out
all week is WednesdayCopy !req
187. - and that's to play badminton.Copy !req
188. Right, my dad's not bentCopy !req
189. because he's got hundreds of
porn mags at homeCopy !req
190. and it's all straight.Copy !req
191. - All straight?
- Some lesbian.Copy !req
192. We should go and have
a look then, in that case.Copy !req
193. Fine, come on then.Copy !req
194. This should be good.
I bet it's 90% cock.Copy !req
195. They must be around here.Copy !req
196. I don't know where
they could have gone.Copy !req
197. Maybe he swapped them
for an Abba boxset.Copy !req
198. No, he probably shoved them
up his arse. Drink!Copy !req
199. - So, what we going to do today?
- We can doCopy !req
200. anything we fucking well please.Copy !req
201. Yeah, but specifically,
what do we do?Copy !req
202. We could get some birds.Copy !req
203. Yeah, let's get some girls.
Great. Where are all the girls?Copy !req
204. At school.Copy !req
205. We'll wait for them
to get out then.Copy !req
206. We're not gonna do anything
until half three?Copy !req
207. We could have just
gone to school.Copy !req
208. We can't fucking do this. Drink!Copy !req
209. Hello, Mrs. Cooper?
Sorry to bother you at work.Copy !req
210. This is Mr. Gilbert,
Simon's Head of Sixth.Copy !req
211. You know, your mum is so fit,
Will,Copy !req
212. I reckon she could b
e a prostitute.Copy !req
213. Thanks.Copy !req
214. Have you wanked over Will's mum?Copy !req
215. No. Not yet.Copy !req
216. Please don't have a wank over my
mum.Copy !req
217. I can't promise that,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
218. Yes, hello. Is that Mrs.
MacKenzie, William's mother?Copy !req
219. Right, can I just check
something with you, please?Copy !req
220. When we go away with the Caravan
Club,Copy !req
221. there's this bird and her sisterCopy !req
222. who I've shagged
for about two years.Copy !req
223. Sometimes I get them to strum
themselves while I watch.Copy !req
224. Sorry, did you say
you go on holiday in a caravan?Copy !req
225. - With the Caravan Club.
- In a caravan like a gypo?Copy !req
226. If my mum told me we were going
caravanning I'd call ChildLine.Copy !req
227. Shows how much you know,
because it's a sense of freedomCopy !req
228. that you don't get with other
holidays.Copy !req
229. It's a sense of shitting in a
bucket in a cupboardCopy !req
230. you don't get with other
holidays, in England,Copy !req
231. with your parents.Copy !req
232. Actually, it's a well-known fact
that the Caravan ClubCopy !req
233. is like a sex club all over
Europe,Copy !req
234. which is why I've lost my cherry
and none of you sad acts have.Copy !req
235. I could've got laid loads of
times.Copy !req
236. - No, you couldn't.
- Yeah, I could, actually.Copy !req
237. But I want to lose it
with someone I love.Copy !req
238. - What? Like Carli?
- Maybe I do love Carli.Copy !req
239. She's gorgeous, she's smart,
she's amazing.Copy !req
240. Probably worth mentioning to her
then,Copy !req
241. if that's the way you feel.Copy !req
242. Yeah, why not mention it? Worst
that can happen you get nothing.Copy !req
243. Best that can happen,
you get stinky fingers.Copy !req
244. You really are one of the most
disgusting humans I've ever met.Copy !req
245. Look out. Prince Harry's had a
few drinksCopy !req
246. and now he thinks he's hard!Copy !req
247. I am hard.Copy !req
248. So, all this being scared
of teachersCopy !req
249. and brown-nosing everyone's
parents is just an act, is it?Copy !req
250. - I don't brown-nose anyone!
- You do a bit.Copy !req
251. - Good manners cost nothing.
- A good shag costs nothing!Copy !req
252. A good shag with Carli.Copy !req
253. I keep catching myself on it.
It's a bloody menace.Copy !req
254. Hang on, I think someone's in.Copy !req
255. Neil! What the hell is going on?Copy !req
256. Ugh! This place smells like
a brewery and not a nice one.Copy !req
257. Jay, there is always trouble
when you're around,Copy !req
258. but, Will, I'm especially
surprised at you.Copy !req
259. I'm so sorry, Steve.Copy !req
260. Oh, piss off!Copy !req
261. What? Don't talk to me like that
in my own house!Copy !req
262. I'm so sorry, my manners.
Piss off, please.Copy !req
263. I've had enough of your lip.Copy !req
264. Oh, you'd like my lip,
wouldn't you?Copy !req
265. Right round your bellend, if Mr.
Chippy doesn't get there first.Copy !req
266. What's he going to knock up? A
closet for you to hide in,Copy !req
267. you bumder?Copy !req
268. In hindsight, I might
have taken it a bit too far.Copy !req
269. Amazing!Copy !req
270. Jesus Christ. "Bumder"?Copy !req
271. Yeah, fair play to you, that was
pretty special. "Bumder"!Copy !req
272. It's a mixture of "bummer"
and "bender".Copy !req
273. I think he'll be all right about
it, though. He can take a joke.Copy !req
274. That was taken as a joke.Copy !req
275. "My lips around your bellend"?
Yeah, it should be fine.Copy !req
276. I love Carli.Copy !req
277. I love Carli.Copy !req
278. Shit, I've got to tell her.
What if she feels the same?Copy !req
279. Seems fairly unlikely.Copy !req
280. Life is about these moments.Copy !req
281. It's the things
you don't do you regret.Copy !req
282. Is the kind of cavalier
philosophy that caused my fatherCopy !req
283. to leave my mother.Copy !req
284. - You go for it.
- Bumder.Copy !req
285. And so we headed for Carli's
house.Copy !req
286. I feel a bit stupid doing this.
This is fine, isn't it?Copy !req
287. - Yeah. Definitely.
- Yeah.Copy !req
288. You would tell me
if I was being a dick?Copy !req
289. - Of course I would.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
290. I think
writing her surnameCopy !req
291. is particularly important.Copy !req
292. I mean, it is her drive,Copy !req
293. but you wouldn't want
any Carli-based confusion.Copy !req
294. I reckon if you put a kiss,
she'll definitely suck you off.Copy !req
295. - What the fuck is that?
- What?Copy !req
296. Simon, why are you vandalizing
my drive?Copy !req
297. Um...Copy !req
298. What does it say? You love me?Copy !req
299. Look, I can easily wash it offCopy !req
300. and we can just pretend
it never happened,Copy !req
301. and I could not tell anyone
and you could not tell anyone.Copy !req
302. And my mates could not tell
anyone and, most importantly,Copy !req
303. your mates could not tell
anyone.Copy !req
304. Simon, we've known each other
for ages.Copy !req
305. - Why are you doing this now?
- Um...Copy !req
306. We were playing dares?Copy !req
307. Did someone dare you
to be the world's biggest saddo?Copy !req
308. So what? You are in love with
me?Copy !req
309. This couldn't have gone any
better.Copy !req
310. Actually, I think
this is pretty cool, Simon.Copy !req
311. Sort of artistic.
It's like Banksy or something.Copy !req
312. Why don't you come over to mine
tonight,Copy !req
313. I'm babysitting for my brother,Copy !req
314. and we can sort this out then?Copy !req
315. - Really?
- Yeah, come round about 8:00.Copy !req
316. My folks will be out by then.Copy !req
317. Probably best to avoid them
until this has washed away.Copy !req
318. Um, yeah, I'm not sure
this washes away—Copy !req
319. Whatever. I'll see you later.Copy !req
320. Yes!Copy !req
321. Incredibly, I think
you might be in there.Copy !req
322. Of course he's in there.
She's wet for you, mate.Copy !req
323. I cannot believe this worked.Copy !req
324. Maybe she was impressed
by your artistic side.Copy !req
325. No, bollocks. It's because
you're drunk.Copy !req
326. Do you think so?Copy !req
327. Yes, it's because you're wasted.
Like Pete Doherty?Copy !req
328. Girls love it.Copy !req
329. I think Pete Doherty
is on heroin.Copy !req
330. I'm not sure
I should do heroin, Jay.Copy !req
331. Right, vodka, whisky,
and a load of creme de menthe.Copy !req
332. When she sees you after this,
she'll be frothing at the gash.Copy !req
333. Are you sure my dad
won't notice?Copy !req
334. No, he'll never tell.Copy !req
335. I think he might as his whisky
now tastes of apple juice.Copy !req
336. Look, it'll be worth it.Copy !req
337. - What's that?
- Fuck off!Copy !req
338. - What have you got there?
- And again, fuck off!Copy !req
339. - You are in such shit.
- That's a hat-trick. Fuck off!Copy !req
340. Mum knows you bunked off.Copy !req
341. And also everyone knows
that you love Carli D'Amato.Copy !req
342. - I don't love her, actually.
- Everyone knows, you spaz.Copy !req
343. You wrote it on the pavement
outside her house.Copy !req
344. Even the Year 11s were laughing
about how sad you are.Copy !req
345. Yeah? Well, how sad is a date
at her house tonight?Copy !req
346. - You're such a sad...
- No, you're the sad because...Copy !req
347. Twat! You're such a little...
Fuck! Shit!Copy !req
348. He's made you look a right knob.Copy !req
349. So when are you gonna make the
move, then?Copy !req
350. I don't know.Copy !req
351. I've got to get the kid brother
out the way first.Copy !req
352. I could come
and look after him for you.Copy !req
353. Bollocks!
I'll take care of the kidCopy !req
354. while you take care of the...
business.Copy !req
355. Mm! Business.Copy !req
356. - I think I'd better take Will.
- Fine. Your funeral.Copy !req
357. Jay was wrong.Copy !req
358. It wouldn't be a funeral,Copy !req
359. but it would be
as much fun as one.Copy !req
360. And so, that evening,
we arrived at the houseCopy !req
361. of the girl Simon had always
loved...Copy !req
362. - ... and we were drunk.Copy !req
363. - So very drunk.
- Hi.Copy !req
364. - Hi.
- Hello, there.Copy !req
365. Oh, hello, William.
You coming in then, Simon?Copy !req
366. - Are you his chaperon?
- No, it's cool, babes.Copy !req
367. He's going to watch the kid
whilst we chatCopy !req
368. about, you know, our feelings.Copy !req
369. Okay. Best not
to call me babes though.Copy !req
370. - Really?
- Really.Copy !req
371. Come on in then. Chris is in
there watching TV, Will.Copy !req
372. Come on, you, let's get a drink.Copy !req
373. So, Dad went totally ballistic
about the driveway.Copy !req
374. I think you're still invited
over for Christmas,Copy !req
375. but he's going to make your
parents pay for anCopy !req
376. industrial stone cleaner.Copy !req
377. - It was worth it.
- Can you smell bleach?Copy !req
378. Shh...Copy !req
379. What are you watching?
Don't know.Copy !req
380. Think there's been a big bomb.Copy !req
381. Really? It's one of those
recreations of a dirty bomb.Copy !req
382. What's a dirty bomb?Copy !req
383. It's just a big nuclear bombCopy !req
384. that terrorists would use
to kill everyone in London.Copy !req
385. Have you been drinking spirits?Copy !req
386. Sorry, don't know what I was
thinking. Would you like some?Copy !req
387. I'll stick to wine, thanks.Copy !req
388. - Wine is for girls.
- I am a girl.Copy !req
389. This is a man's drink. If you
don't want it, I'll have it.Copy !req
390. And if you can't take me like
this, well, I'm sorry, babes,Copy !req
391. but this is the package.Copy !req
392. Oops! There goes the
tallest building in London.Copy !req
393. That'll be a few thousand dead.Copy !req
394. My mum and dad are in London
tonight. Would they be killed?Copy !req
395. Yes. Not only killed but
obliterated.Copy !req
396. Merely a scorched shadow
on the pavement. Dust.Copy !req
397. - So they are dead forever?
- Yes, dead forever.Copy !req
398. My mummy! My daddy!Copy !req
399. - No.
- Mummy! Mummy!Copy !req
400. Come on, Carli.
You know why I'm here.Copy !req
401. And I know why I'm here.Copy !req
402. And you know why I'm here.Copy !req
403. - Kiss me.
- You know I've got a boyfriend.Copy !req
404. Just finger yourself
in front of me.Copy !req
405. Jesus, Simon!Copy !req
406. They do it in Caravan Club.
Come on, I know you want to.Copy !req
407. - Well, I don't want to, so...
- Yeah, you do.Copy !req
408. Simon, are you all right?Copy !req
409. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
410. I don't think I'm very well.Copy !req
411. Daddy! Mummy!
- Chris?Copy !req
412. Look, I'm really sorry.Copy !req
413. I was just telling him
about terrorists and stuff.Copy !req
414. You were telling a
seven-year-old about terrorists?Copy !req
415. He won't sleep for a week now,
you idiot.Copy !req
416. Have you unblocked the sink yet?
All the lumps?Copy !req
417. I am really sorry.
I think maybe I ate something.Copy !req
418. Could we maybe sit down
and talk about us?Copy !req
419. And have you got any Nurofen?
It's just...Copy !req
420. Oh, dear.Copy !req
421. I think we'll be off now.Copy !req
422. Right, I think we'd better get
you back to mine and cleaned up.Copy !req
423. Oh, God, my head!Copy !req
424. I've ruined it.Copy !req
425. I love her and I've ruined it
with her. Oh, God.Copy !req
426. Oh, she's so amazing.Copy !req
427. I'm going to say this to you
as a friend. Shut up.Copy !req
428. Today has been a fuck-up from
start to finish.Copy !req
429. We need to write it off, okay?Copy !req
430. Today's gone.
It isn't going to get any worse.Copy !req
431. Oh, shit. Isn't that your mum's
car?Copy !req
432. Yes. And that's Neil's dad's
car.Copy !req
433. Oh, shit.Copy !req
434. Oh, shit.Copy !req
435. Well, it's every Wednesday and
we play sort of, I suppose,Copy !req
436. best-of-three games,Copy !req
437. and the changing facilities
are not too bad.Copy !req
438. - Yeah, yeah.
- All in all, it's a good thing.Copy !req
439. Right. Sit down, you two.Copy !req
440. Sometimes in life,
you have to sit downCopy !req
441. and take your punishment
like a man.Copy !req
442. Unfortunately, this was not
one of those times.Copy !req
443. Well, you've had quite a day
off.Copy !req
444. You've lied to your mothers,
bought alcohol illegally,Copy !req
445. abused Neil's dad,
stole my suit,Copy !req
446. defaced the pavement
outside Carli's.Copy !req
447. Am I missing anything?Copy !req
448. We also hit a spastic with a
Frisbee.Copy !req
449. I feel totally let down,
William.Copy !req
450. It wasn't our fault, mum.Copy !req
451. What you said to Kevin here, I
brought you up better than that.Copy !req
452. - It isn't our fault.
- Why's it not your fault then?Copy !req
453. It all happened because he
touched us.Copy !req
454. What?
- Me?Copy !req
455. He touched us here, and here.Copy !req
456. And here.Copy !req
457. - The bumhole.
- You evil little shits!Copy !req
458. I'll deal with this, Kevin.Copy !req
459. Now listen to me, you two. That
is an extraordinary allegation.Copy !req
460. And you should think carefully
before you repeat it.Copy !req
461. - Just because Kevin's gay—
- Wait, no, I'm not gay.Copy !req
462. It's all right. We're all
friends, it doesn't matter.Copy !req
463. But I'm not gay.
I was married for nearly—Copy !req
464. Oscar Wilde was married.Copy !req
465. That is enough, William.Copy !req
466. Although he is right, Kevin,
and it's fine.Copy !req
467. I'm not gay!Copy !req
468. All right,
don't have a hissy fit.Copy !req
469. Just because Kevin is gayCopy !req
470. doesn't make him
automatically a pedophile.Copy !req
471. I'm not a pedophile.Copy !req
472. If you want to repeat those
allegations,Copy !req
473. then we'll take them seriously.Copy !req
474. But if you tell the truth,
that it never happened,Copy !req
475. we'll move on to the other
things you're in trouble for.Copy !req
476. Okay.Copy !req
477. The truth is... we're
alcoholics. You have to help us.Copy !req
478. All we can think about is whereCopy !req
479. the next drink
is going to come from.Copy !req
480. We're literally out of control.Copy !req
481. Today we even
talked about heroin.Copy !req
482. There's a long road ahead of us,Copy !req
483. but with your support
and your love,Copy !req
484. we think we can make it.Copy !req
485. So please, as our parents...
help us.Copy !req
486. And so we were
so pathetic,Copy !req
487. even my mum,
who has no sense of humor,Copy !req
488. was laughing at us.Copy !req
489. - Hello. You look well.
- Thanks. How's your mum?Copy !req
490. Not happy. But fit, like a
prostitute. How's your dad?Copy !req
491. Really not happy. But at least
he's not bent like Neil's.Copy !req
492. What?Copy !req
493. Shit, Si, you don't look well,
mate. What happened?Copy !req
494. He was up all night
fucking Carli's brains out.Copy !req
495. Not quite.Copy !req
496. Obviously, by "not quite",Copy !req
497. he means he puked
on her brother's head,Copy !req
498. then went home and accused
Neil's dad of being a pedophile.Copy !req
499. - You dickhead!
What a knob!Copy !req
500. My dad's not a pedo.Copy !req
501. Boys, good of you to join us
today.Copy !req
502. - Oh, shit.
- Shit indeed.Copy !req
503. Now, boys, you are in the sixth
form,Copy !req
504. so actually you're under no
legal obligationCopy !req
505. to attend school.Copy !req
506. Sutherland, Cartwright,Copy !req
507. if you want to piss away your
chanceCopy !req
508. of gaining some qualificationsCopy !req
509. and improving your lives,
then be my guest.Copy !req
510. I still get paid at the end of
the week.Copy !req
511. - Really? Oh, great.
- Brilliant. Thanks, sir.Copy !req
512. I knew no day could go as badly
as yesterday did.Copy !req
513. However, Cooper, MacKenzie,Copy !req
514. phoning the school and
pretending to be your parents?Copy !req
515. Ohh, that, my little friends,
is fraud.Copy !req
516. I think we'd better go and see
the head.Copy !req
517. They say
it's the thingsCopy !req
518. you don't do in life
that you regret.Copy !req
519. Well that's clearly
not true.Copy !req
520. I regret hitting that girl
with a Frisbee.Copy !req
521. And I regret hurling insults
at Neil's dad.Copy !req
522. Bumder!Copy !req
523. And I'm pretty certain
that SimonCopy !req
524. regrets everything
he did that day.Copy !req
525. Oh, dear.Copy !req
526. But they also say
all's well that ends well.Copy !req
527. Hang on, this didn't even end
well.Copy !req