The Green Room with Paul Provenza 1x4

1. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

2. Forgive me, but closed. Closed.

3. You have to come back at another time.

4. Hey, come here.

5. There's a bunch of comedians hanging out with some friends.

6. You're not supposed to be here,

7. But if you're cool, you can come in.

8. If you've ever been offended by anything,

9. Don't come in.

10. But I don't really have— you know, when I do a show,

11. The only person who really gets pissed at me is my wife.

12. She'll come to the show—

13. "another joke, 'my wife doesn't blow me.'

14. That's all you talk about, 'my wife doesn't blow me.'"

15. And I go, "well, maybe if you blew me..."

16. you know?

17. The first time I met your wife and your daughter,

18. You introduced them as,

19. "this is the cunt and the contessa."

20. So first thing out of Mooney's mouth:

21. "this place is too white for me."

22. - Very. - Look at him.

23. Where? Where? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

24. Whiteface.

25. I thought that might be a little recompense

26. For so much racism over hundreds of years.

27. - You know what, though, the mime—

28. You should wear blackface and instead of coming out of a box,

29. Break out of jail. That's a new thing.

30. Thank you, good night.

31. I have to go. Thank you, everybody.

32. Funny! Funny white joke.

33. - By the way, I had no idea what to—you haven't told us—

34. I don't know what to do on this show.

35. - This is it. - We just talk?

36. There could be some physical assault.

37. There could be some gunplay.

38. There could be some anal sex. It could go anywhere.

39. Don't look at me like that, Mooney.

40. - I'm look— I'm looking at you—

41. No, I'm looking at you because you always take center stage.

42. I've always been amazed by that.

43. In fairness, though, if bobby weren't here,

44. You'd be taking center stage.

45. No. No, no, no, no, no.

46. You're a very dominant personality.

47. I don't have a dominant personality.

48. That's your perception of me. I'm a very nice person.

49. They're not mutually exclusive.

50. Bobby Slayton is a very nice person.

51. No, bobby's an asshole, come on.

52. Come on, say that nicely. But he's an asshole.

53. - I'm the only nice person here. - You're lovely.

54. In all fairness, rain is the only decent,

55. Kind human being here.

56. And you know what, I feel like— - An Oreo?

57. - I wasn't gonna go there. - Oh, well...

58. - I feel like there's a little bit of Paul Mooney—

59. A very good friend and creative force, along with—

60. And Rain Pryor, the daughter—

61. Actually the genetics of Richard Pryor.

62. So, like... Did you get the Pryor...

63. You know, do you hate white people?

64. No, but I've slept with them.

65. Ahh... Ha ha ha ha!

66. Why wouldn't you sleep with us?

67. I don't get it.

68. It's an easier fit.

69. Like, if I was going to be raped,

70. I'd want bobby over Paul.

71. And believe me, that's how I got on the show, so...

72. I mean, he should know.

73. The aborigines have been getting fucked for years.

74. Oh!

75. At least we didn't have them as slaves.

76. Just, we killed them way before they got the chance.

77. 'cause these people came there 'cause they sent them there.

78. That's why you have no family history there.

79. There's no pictures of them. They're all criminals.

80. Yeah.

81. Actually, my parents were polish and came in the '50s.

82. They were poor?

83. - I've gotta tell you a story about—

84. My family actually came from the first fleet

85. In Australia, which is like coming on the mayflower—

86. The first lot of slaves.

87. And there was a picture above our sofa

88. In our living room of a guy called George bell,

89. Who is, like, our great-grandfather,

90. Who was this distinguished man in a suit.

91. And he was one of the first people to be set free

92. From the convicts and actually become a citizen.

93. And so there's a lot of pride.

94. My parents would always tell us this story

95. About him stealing a loaf of bread

96. Or something like that to feed his starving family.

97. Anyhow, when the Internet came in,

98. Turns out that someone put everyone's crimes up.

99. Old Georgie raped six women. Huh?

100. By today's standards, you only get caught

101. For one in ten rapes.

102. That's, like, 60 women!

103. Did that make you feel a little bit like,

104. "hey, I come from pretty good stock"?

105. You've gotta give credit where credit's due.

106. What do you mean if you had to get raped,

107. You'd rather get raped by me than by Mooney?

108. Because you have a smaller cock.

109. It was a big dick joke.

110. Everyone else got it straight off the bat, bobby,

111. But thanks for joining in.

112. I was gonna tell you a story about Richard

113. Which she doesn't even know.

114. - Uh-oh. - Oh, really?

115. Yeah, she was a baby. I mean, baby baby.

116. And Richard and her mother were having fights.

117. And I used to call the house they lived in—

118. They lived around the corner from me—

119. The house of pain.

120. And so they'd got into a battle,

121. And her mother brought the baby to me.

122. And I kept Rain for about three days.

123. And she was a baby baby. She doesn't even know that.

124. That story's really funny, Paul, thanks.

125. Thanks for that. That was really, really good.

126. No, no, no, no.

127. No, that was a serious— that was a serious—

128. All the white folks laughed. That's good.

129. Oh, now, wait a minute! How did that become racist?

130. How the fuck did that become racist?

131. Because they did. Because they all laughed.

132. - But—but— did you laugh?

133. Did you laugh when he said, "that was funny, Paul"?

134. Did you laugh? Yeah. That was funny.

135. Aha!

136. Listen, you know what's making me sick

137. With you acting like that?

138. No, you know what makes me sick?

139. - What? - Because you can't—

140. Remember when it was the angry black man?

141. - Yes. - You're taking that.

142. You won't even let me be angry.

143. Because you're being— you're being—

144. No, you're being— no, listen to me.

145. You're hopping around being angry.

146. That's why they do it in congress.

147. Here's my question. Let me explain this.

148. Liar. Go ahead.

149. No, no, this is a serious question now.

150. I put this up on my Facebook. I asked the question:

151. Racist or not racist?

152. This is a Chia Obama.

153. - Why would that be racist? - Yeah, that's not racist.

154. All I can tell you is the debate rad

155. For about 300 or 400 posts.

156. And one woman came on and said that it was racist of me

157. Even to ask the question.

158. Because it demonstrated insensitivity...

159. But you've never been a Chia pet, have you?

160. I've never been a Chia pet.

161. - He looks like me. - Yeah.

162. But looking like you, Rain, is slightly racist.

163. No, but when the post said that Obama was a monkey,

164. That was racist.

165. But that's not the first time white people have said that.

166. They started that during world war ii,

167. Telling the people in new York that we had tails

168. And that we were monkeys.

169. But I've always said that white people need

170. A pair of glasses and a seeing-eye dog.

171. Because if you go to the zoo and take a real good look

172. At a monkey... A monkey has straight hair.

173. And I've never seen a nappy-headed monkey.

174. And a monk— no, it's the truth.

175. - That's a great name for a The nappy-headed monkey.

176. And a monkey has thin lips.

177. As a matter of fact, really, if you look at a monkey,

178. It's George burns.

179. - Oh, is it? - Yeah.

180. No, but this is for me.

181. But white people look more like a monkey.

182. And here we were in Africa,

183. Human beings minding our business,

184. And then white people brought their monkey ass over there.

185. Then they forced us to be slaves.

186. Brought us here, fucked us,

187. And now we're part monkey.

188. Wait, wait, wait, wait. We also let you go.

189. I never heard, "thank you." you know...

190. you know...

191. It's a two-way street. - Thank you for what?

192. No, no, you did not let us go.

193. Black people fought in the civil war to free us.

194. And I'm from the south, and the southerners were dumb

195. Because they had the army.

196. And if they'd have used the slaves,

197. They could have won the war.

198. I voted for Barack. Back up.

199. I don't care about who you voted for.

200. Let me tell you about white privilege.

201. Here's white privilege, okay?

202. White men are walking around now

203. Angry that Obama's president— a black man is president.

204. I've never had that privilege.

205. No, I'm mad 'cause the best golfer's black.

206. You fucked up that game too. We have nothing left!

207. You took tennis, you took golf. What more do you want?

208. - No—no, you're right.

209. Listen to me. Listen—listen to me.

210. You are right, we took tennis.

211. But you didn't want us to play tennis, so we took it.

212. I didn't care. What are you blaming me for?

213. I'm a Jew. I don't like Jews either.

214. I'm a Jew too.

215. Hey, hey, you were both slaves at one point.

216. Don't you have something in common, Jews and blacks?

217. - No, 'cause we got jobs. But here's the thing—

218. You know what, it's funny—

219. - You have jobs, yeah, managing black people.

220. Whoa!

221. And being their lawyers. Thank god for us.

222. You did bring up a good point.

223. At what point— 'cause, like,

224. I had nothing to do with slavery.

225. So, like, at what point do I not...

226. It's not like I'm running shit.

227. You had nothing to do with it, you weren't there.

228. But you got all the— - I was there.

229. Were you?

230. But you got all the little goodies.

231. Yeah. I'm happy to share 'em.

232. Do you take responsibility for every black person

233. That can't shut the fuck up in a movie theater? No.

234. So why should we take responsibility—

235. - I take responsibility for every Jew, okay,

236. That steals money— that's what I take it for.

237. All right, hey, hey, hey. No, don't touch each other.

238. You might make some type of mongrel baby

239. Between the two of you.

240. Oh, we have a Jew right in front.

241. We have a Jew. Failed comedian David Feldman.

242. David Feldman, an embarrassment to his family.

243. How long have I known you, Feldman?

244. 25 years.

245. There's nothing funny about slavery or the holocaust.

246. But you talk to Feldman about the holocaust,

247. And right away what comes out of his mouth:

248. "6 million Jews were killed."

249. We know for a fact— you know history—

250. It was 5,900,000.

251. You make things so much worse than they really are.

252. That's the Jews for you.

253. They build it up into this horrible, horrible thing.

254. You can't ever look at the good side.

255. David, I believe you had something to say.

256. I just wanted to ask you about reparations for slavery

257. Because my great-great grandfather owned slaves,

258. And after the war, he lost all his property.

259. And I was wondering if...

260. You got the foot locker, the NBA, and white pussy.

261. What else do you want?

262. I want your mama. How 'bout that?

263. I don't think so.

264. A Jewish woman from long island?

265. Probably the number one cause

266. Of homosexuality in America

267. Are Jewish women.

268. If I come home to Fran Drescher— the nanny—

269. "how are you?" if I came home to that,

270. I'd be sucking cock in a second, believe me.

271. Gary, are you twittering ill?

272. I'm on twitter right now.

273. "I cannot believe that your show

274. "has been able to recover from Feldman's question.

275. "I think Paul Mooney is very handsome.

276. I am not sure yet if he likes me as more than a friend."

277. - Rain. - Yes?

278. Yes? Seriously, honestly.

279. Seriously, honestly. Seriously.

280. - Seriously, honestly. - Honestly but seriously.

281. Does your dad hate white people?

282. No.

283. My dad loved white women.

284. And they killed him. So...

285. Ooh...

286. Get to the detail about that. Who?

287. Buy my book. It's alone with Mackenzie Phillips.

288. No, um...

289. Do you believe her?

290. Do I believe Mackenzie Phillips?

291. I'd have done her if I were her dad.

292. You're terrible!

293. Woody Allen married his.

294. Woody Allen married his. That's right.

295. Some people grow their own weed.

296. He was growing his own pussy.

297. He only married her to shut her up.

298. A wife can't testify against her husband.

299. He married her to shut her up. That girl's her own mama.

300. Woody Allen's wife. She is.

301. Oh, so you're saying he married her

302. Because he happened to have an affair with her

303. Before she was legal.

304. This is the whole thing with pedophiles, right?

305. I need to hear this

306. Potentially valuable information.

307. Here's the thing.

308. As a society, right, what we do with pedophiles is

309. We excuse some, we don't excuse others, right?

310. Elvis Presley had Priscilla Presley

311. Move into his house at 14 years of age,

312. And he became her legal guardian,

313. And he fucked her until she was 16,

314. Then he married her.

315. And Charlie Chaplin impregnated a 15-year-old.

316. Yet no one says anything

317. Because they were the best in their field, right?

318. You're never gonna get another king of rock and roll,

319. And you'll never get a better silent movie star, right?

320. All I'm saying is, how talented do you have to be

321. To fuck a kid?

322. At what stage do we as a society go,

323. "but he was good"?

324. Right? See...

325. So the argument of—

326. See, the reason that people got upset about Michael Jackson

327. Is 'cause the other ones were fucking girls,

328. And he fucked little boys.

329. - That's not true. - What?

330. Michael Jackson was not a pedophile.

331. Now, he was "x-filed." - He was x-filed.

332. - That he was. - You're right.

333. - You know what I read about—

334. When Michael Jackson died, right, they talk about, like,

335. It took an hour to, like, resuscitate him.

336. Because what you have to do is when you resuscitate a person—

337. Anyone who's in scouts learns this.

338. You've gotta turn 'em on their side,

339. Put your finger in their mouth, make sure

340. They haven't swallowed their tongue,

341. Then you gotta put 'em on their back, arch their head back,

342. Then you gotta pinch the nose.

343. D that's where they found the problem.

344. Right? 'cause they just— they went like that,

345. And then just— Ohh!

346. Oh, that sucks!

347. Oh, I'm gonna have to pound that with my hand now.

348. Oh...

349. You can only fit a child's cock in that.

350. Look at that!

351. This is the difference between comedy now

352. And comedy of, like, my dad.

353. Because this kind of shit just doesn't fly

354. In, like, back in the day.

355. That's because Michael Jackson was young back then.

356. If you did it back then, it was just offensive

357. To fuck a child's nose.

358. But now it's modern. It's cutting edge.

359. It's funny 'cause you talk about pedophiles.

360. Feldman, you have a daukhter. How old's your daughter?

361. - 18. - 18. Okay.

362. My daughter's 21 years old,

363. And it's so funny because people say to me—

364. My wife will say to me, "how do you look at young girls

365. When you have a daughter?"

366. And sometimes I'll look at a young girl

367. And go, wow, she's really hot. She's my daughter's age.

368. And then you gotta separate.

369. I don't think about my daughter when I look at young pussy.

370. And I tell that to my wife.

371. I look at old pussy, I don't think about you.

372. It's not like I go to the statue of liberty—

373. Hey, I gotta call my wife. You know?

374. I can separate pussy from my family life.

375. I have that power. A lot of people can't do that.

376. Fuck tony Robbins and Dr. Phil.

377. I should have my own show and be, like,

378. More of a motivational speaker.

379. Go ahead.

380. This is what I want from white people in this room.

381. - Uh-oh. - Really?

382. I can do it in the dressing room, but...

383. I can already see this coming.

384. All right, let me get my sister on the phone.

385. No, no, no.

386. To stop this ghost bullshit.

387. What do you mean, ghost bullshit?

388. There's no ghosts. Looking for the ghosts, the ghost stories.

389. The real ghost stories— ghosts, ghosts, ghosts.

390. You just hate anything white.

391. No, no, just ghosts. No, I don't like it

392. 'cause it's bullshit— there are no ghosts.

393. If there were ghosts— - They would be spooks!

394. No.

395. No. No. No.

396. No. No. No. No, no, no.

397. There are no ghosts, and I can prove it.

398. How, Paul?

399. Because if there were ghosts,

400. Slaves would come back and fuck you up—that's why.

401. When black people get scared by ghosts in the movies,

402. It was always great.

403. 'cause you know, if you watch the little rascals...

404. With the eyes? With the eyes.

405. Or the skeleton jumped out of the body

406. And ran away from Casper—

407. Look, I know that's racist, but it's funny.

408. You're all white, so you can laugh at this fucker.

409. Wait, wait. I think it would be really funny

410. To see a movie where there's a whole bunch of white people

411. Hanging from trees. Yes!

412. isn't that funny?

413. - Yes. - Hey, by the way,

414. You know what, can I— can I—look, okay,

415. Enough of this racist shit; Here's the most important thing

416. About everybody being here, and nobody's said anything.

417. Will you tell me what the fuck Ron Jeremy—why he's here?

418. Because I believe Ron Jeremy should be everywhere!

419. Ron Jeremy is here for the equal time rule.

420. If you're gonna talk about big black dicks,

421. We've gotta have Ron Jeremy here to represent us!

422. You know what pisses me off, the fact that

423. They call him a porno actor.

424. This guy gets more pussy.

425. Thousands of women, he gets paid for it.

426. I've been fucking the same broad for 25 years,

427. I don't get a cent.

428. I pretend to like it. I'm the actor.

429. Fuck you, Ron Jeremy!

430. And I say that as a friend.

431. Can someone get me a beer? Who is...

432. Can someone get me a beer? I'd like a beer, if that's okay.

433. In the old days, a black guy would be, like,

434. "yes, sir, Mr. Benny." those days are over.

435. What?

436. "I'll go get you a beer, Mr. Benny.

437. It's right here, Mr. Benny."

438. I miss those— golden years of television.

439. Thank you. This'll do.

440. This reality shit.

441. Let me try this. Fuck you.

442. - Don't, don't, don't— - What?

443. I don't want hepatitis. Bobby, bobby...

444. I'm drinking from this side.

445. It's not like I went like this.

446. No! No!

447. Now it's gonna taste like your wife's cunt.

448. Actually, hold on.

449. Ron Jeremy's dick.

450. Gary, are you twittering still?

451. Yeah, you know, can we just get back to the pedophilia

452. For one second?

453. 'cause if it's so wrong, how come kids are so sexy?

454. Bobby, I've known you for, like, 30 years, okay.

455. But you cross lines.

456. You say shit that so many other people

457. Would get just excoriated for.

458. Do people stand up at your show

459. And go, "you're racist"? Have you ever had that?

460. Let's see: These two niggers walk in a bar...

461. Shut up! Have you heard this?

462. No problem.

463. How did they get into the bar, bobby?

464. Was it whites only? What happened?

465. - You know what, I've known Paul for a long time—Mooney.

466. And here's a guy, more than me—

467. I opened up for you when I first started doing stand-up.

468. It must've been 30 years ago at the punchline.

469. You go out of your way sometimes to really piss off an audience.

470. And you know what, there are people that get mad

471. At the "f" word.

472. I mean, the "c" word, I understand.

473. But people get mad over nothing.

474. If you're talking about sex, you watch TV,

475. And it goes back to, you know, Janet Jackson

476. With the malfunction. How many years does that go on?

477. It happened to one guy— my friend, Charles rocket,

478. Who has since passed away,

479. Said "fuck" on Saturday night live,

480. And they fired him from the show and it was a big deal.

481. You're watching Saturday night live at midnight—

482. It's the same thing with the Howard stern show.

483. You're listening to Howard, you come to a comedy club.

484. But what people get pissed at, it's mind-boggling.

485. But he would go out of his way to really push buttons.

486. But you know, I mean, you've had people walk out on you

487. And get pissed at you.

488. And you enjoy it sometimes, don't you?

489. 'cause they're fuckin' assholes.

490. Listen, you opened for me and you walked out.

491. So what's the difference?

492. Once we got a black president,

493. Comedy just took a fucking nosedive.

494. - That's bullshit. - That's bullshit!

495. You think that since we have a black president...

496. I'm just trying to get him mad again.

497. Yeah, it's gonna change the world?

498. - Let me tell you something... - And guess what.

499. There will never, ever be a white president again.

500. You can forget it. It's over! It's over!

501. All good things must come to an end.

502. It's over. It'll never happen again.

503. All I know is when Obama won,

504. Black people were in the street,

505. And they were, like, "oh, my god! Oh, my god!"

506. They started crying and sobbing.

507. Next minute they were checking their calendars,

508. Making sure it wasn't April fool's, you know.

509. So come on.

510. And I got on the first public transportation,

511. And I told the white people, "get in the back

512. "where you fuckin' belong!

513. Obama is president!"

514. Hey, speaking of the bus, let me ask you this.

515. How come people died so that black people could sit

516. Wherever they wanted on the bus,

517. And now black people all go and sit in the back of the bus?

518. Why is that?

519. Because they don't learn, Paul.

520. - I'm just confused because, you know—

521. First, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.

522. With Obama becoming president, do you think

523. That changes the racl situation in America?

524. Do you think it's changed at all?

525. It's one more of 'em employed.

526. How come when he says shit like that...

527. That was a good one!

528. - Every time he does a negro joke—

529. - I'm foreign. I don't know better.

530. I know better. I know better.

531. - No, what happens is it doesn't—

532. It doesn't matter because the youth got on that Internet.

533. They put Obama into office. They woke everybody up.

534. But it's mostly the white youth,

535. 'cause a lot of black guys under 25

536. Are convicted felons, and they can't vote.

537. And you gotta remember—

538. Wait a minute, one out of four?

539. Wait a second—one out of four black guys under the age of 25

540. Are convicted felons— they can't vote.

541. No, but it's that way. It's America.

542. So just—just learn to live with it.

543. The only time I've ever felt like a real American

544. Is when it came from the white house,

545. When I had to go to Vietnam, and it said,

546. "you're an American; it's time to die for your country."

547. And they put a gun in my hand and trained me

548. And pushed me out there and said,

549. "you go shoot the enemy."

550. That's the only time.

551. And I shot ten white people. But go ahead.

552. And I'm pretty sure that's why they put an end to the draft.

553. They said, "we need some quality control."

554. - As a black Jew—

555. - Oh, there's all kinds of reasons to hate you.

556. Well, you know, there are.

557. As a black Jew, I'm proud, but guilty for it.

558. But, um... You know—

559. - Do you feel accepted by both communities?

560. No, I do not feel accepted by both communities.

561. But I didn't know I was black until I moved to Baltimore.

562. Which is ironic, really,

563. Because you were the whitest person in Baltimore.

564. I was. I was one of them.

565. By the way, I do not have vitiligo.

566. That, um—

567. - We'll need to see your penis.

568. That's gone too.

569. But I grew up in the late '60s, early '70s,

570. So people like me didn't exist.

571. You didn't have people of color.

572. I mean, now— nowadays, I mean,

573. You see it— you see it everywhere.

574. You see me or my likeness.

575. I would think that the black community would go,

576. "that's Richard Pryor's daughter," and embrace you.

577. Well, it's funny.

578. The black community now does it.

579. And it's mostly older black men that do it.

580. Yeah, but that's just dirty shit. That's nasty.

581. - No. No, but it's not. - Look at you, girl.

582. Look at you, girl. I know, I'm fierce.

583. And I can make a good brisket too, but...

584. Tell the story about passover.

585. - Oh, yeah, like, I always said to people—

586. 'cause they would always ask me, "is your dad Jewish?"

587. And I'm, like, can you imagine my dad at passover?

588. "pass the matzo... Motherfucker."

589. But you know what's good about the whole thing?

590. That we're here doing this show.

591. - Exactly, my friend. - This is the good thing.

592. The now that's happening now. Absolutely.

593. - This is a good thing. - Exactly.

594. And that's why I wanted to have all you guys together,

595. Because we're saying some shit that if some politician

596. Or judge said, they'd be in prison for it

597. Or they'd lose their job or whatever.

598. But we're having fun with it

599. And we're actually communicating, right?

600. And this is America right here.

601. You have the mixed girl, you have the Jew,

602. You have the black man.

603. You have the Australian— fuck, whatever he is.

604. Hey, how 'bout a hand for Paul Mooney?

605. Rain Pryor!

606. Bobby Slayton!

607. Jim Jefferies!

608. Come back again, hang out some more.