1. Uh, you can't come in.Copy !req
2. You're not allowed.
Show's over.Copy !req
3. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
4. Come here.Copy !req
5. There's a bunch of comedians
hanging out with some friends.Copy !req
6. You're not supposed to be here,Copy !req
7. But if you're cool,
you can come and hang.Copy !req
8. If you've ever
been offended by anything,Copy !req
9. Don't come in.Copy !req
10. No, I heard about it recently.Copy !req
11. I've only been in town
for, like, three days,Copy !req
12. And already I've heard
what's happened to you.Copy !req
13. Is that a legal thing?Copy !req
14. It's in lieu of jail.Copy !req
15. - Court ordered.
- Yeah.Copy !req
16. He should be put in jail
for that jacket!Copy !req
17. Are you wearing,
like, a tag now?Copy !req
18. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
19. I'm like... I am.
Like a wild animal.Copy !req
20. Oh, my God.Copy !req
21. Boy, I would love to see
the GPS tracking routeCopy !req
22. On this motherfucker.Copy !req
23. "what are you doingCopy !req
24. Behind a dumpster
on Santa Monica boulevard?"Copy !req
25. "who still goes
to the pleasure chest?Copy !req
26. Can't you just get it online?"Copy !req
27. No, actually I'm waiting for
a table for two at Bennigan's.Copy !req
28. Ah!Copy !req
29. - Boom!
- Boom!Copy !req
30. I think most people knowCopy !req
31. It's an alcohol-monitoring
ankle bracelet.Copy !req
32. I mean, it's not house arrest.Copy !req
33. - Oh, it's not?
- I just can't drink.Copy !req
34. - So what... how... how...Copy !req
35. - Wait, is that a joke?Copy !req
36. No, it's true.Copy !req
37. I need one of those
for frozen yogurt.Copy !req
38. See, I thought
you were gonna go,Copy !req
39. "that's notCopy !req
40. "an alcohol-monitoring
bracelet.Copy !req
41. This is an
alcohol-monitoring bracelet."Copy !req
42. This fuckin' huge...Copy !req
43. - No, there's, like, a...Copy !req
44. There's a little man
hanging on to it,Copy !req
45. Ready to stab you if you...Copy !req
46. - "stop drinking!"Copy !req
47. Have you seen
carrot top's version?Copy !req
48. Hilarious. I don't even
want to go into it.Copy !req
49. - I just saw a picture of him
in some magazine, where...Copy !req
50. I don't know what happens
to certain comediansCopy !req
51. When they go, "you know
what's really funny? Muscles."Copy !req
52. Yeah.Copy !req
53. What a hilarious
set of guns on that guy.Copy !req
54. Clearly, he's consulted
with Joan riversCopy !req
55. On his career path.Copy !req
56. That is true.Copy !req
57. A little bit here, a little
bit here, a little bit here.Copy !req
58. Think he painted those on.Copy !req
59. His whole head's
become one of his props.Copy !req
60. Yeah, I saw that woman
from desperate housewives.Copy !req
61. And she'd had so much work...Copy !req
62. - Why are you yelling at us?
- Why is he yelling?Copy !req
63. You're used to talking
to people in the outback.Copy !req
64. "so I says to the guy..."Copy !req
65. We're right here.Copy !req
66. - What was I talking about?
- Desperate housewives.Copy !req
67. Dude, she had so much work,Copy !req
68. I went, "ugh!"
when I saw her,Copy !req
69. 'cause I haven't really seenCopy !req
70. That many people with
plastic surgery, you know?Copy !req
71. And she confused it
with recognition.Copy !req
72. She was like,
"yeah, there's another..."Copy !req
73. Here's my theory, though.Copy !req
74. Um, saline breast implantsCopy !req
75. Do not biodegrade.Copy !req
76. Now, consider
the Beverly hills cemetery.Copy !req
77. When the aliens
excavate the corpsesCopy !req
78. In 2,000 years,Copy !req
79. What false conclusion
will they draw from...Copy !req
80. "the wealthy females were
buried with their goldfish."Copy !req
81. I don't even understandCopy !req
82. Who finds fake tits attractive.Copy !req
83. To me they're just like...
I love them, Paul.Copy !req
84. And yours are among
the best I've seen.Copy !req
85. But when you
take the clothes off,Copy !req
86. You can always tell it's fake,Copy !req
87. And to me, that's kind of like
when you're watching a movieCopy !req
88. And you see
the boom come in the shot.Copy !req
89. I got a gag.Copy !req
90. Hey, reminds me of prison.Copy !req
91. Why were the penises so high?Copy !req
92. They're tall.
They're tall.Copy !req
93. - Oh. Very tall jail.
- Very big black guy.Copy !req
94. Big black guysCopy !req
95. With windscreens
on their cocks.Copy !req
96. I'm gonna have
to pull you over for that one.Copy !req
97. Or you could have been
Charlize TheronCopy !req
98. In mighty Joe young.Copy !req
99. The thing about carrot top,Copy !req
100. I don't understand
the comedy-muscle thing.Copy !req
101. No, comedians are supposed
to be the guyCopy !req
102. That get out of the fight.Copy !req
103. You know,
that's why we're funny,Copy !req
104. Because we can talk our way outCopy !req
105. Of getting our ass kicked.Copy !req
106. We're not the guy
kicking the ass.Copy !req
107. That's not the funny guy.Copy !req
108. But that goes to the whole
issue of vulnerability.Copy !req
109. Do you like com...Copy !req
110. I like comedians
who are vulnerable,Copy !req
111. Who don't like their own act,Copy !req
112. Who are, uh,Copy !req
113. Scared to perform,
don't like people.Copy !req
114. Who can you think of like that?Copy !req
115. Me.Copy !req
116. Thought so.Copy !req
117. No, I like my act.
Secretly.Copy !req
118. - Craig Campbell's
a hard-nut guy.Copy !req
119. He's a Canadian bloke.Copy !req
120. And I think
it was some city boysCopy !req
121. Were giving him shit
in London one night,Copy !req
122. And he jumps up on the tableCopy !req
123. And he pulls his pants downCopy !req
124. And he takes his dick out,Copy !req
125. And he starts wanking at 'em,Copy !req
126. Going, "I don't know if you know
much about primates,Copy !req
127. But this is a sign
of disrespect."Copy !req
128. Craig Campbell, man.
Wow.Copy !req
129. Wow, he's funny.Copy !req
130. Why didn't we get him?Copy !req
131. If masturbation
is a sign of disrespect,Copy !req
132. I have disrespected
Campbell brown repeatedly.Copy !req
133. I was having dinner
with our friend Kathy Griffin.Copy !req
134. It was a bunch of us,Copy !req
135. And they're like,
"who do you think is sexy?"Copy !req
136. And I was like, "Campbell brown.
Forget it. Campbell brown."Copy !req
137. And then I jokingly said,
"I jerk off to the news now,Copy !req
138. Because of Campbell brown."Copy !req
139. And Kathy said she was recently
on Campbell brown's showCopy !req
140. Plugging her book, and they
were like, "three, two..."Copy !req
141. And then she went,Copy !req
142. "my friend Dana Gould
jerks off to your show."Copy !req
143. Oh, no.Copy !req
144. Campbell brown is a...Copy !req
145. She's a newscastress.Copy !req
146. And I will not
have her sullied.Copy !req
147. You, sir,
I shall box your ears.Copy !req
148. I shall not have Campbell brown
sullied with your semen.Copy !req
149. I shall fight you in sepia.Copy !req
150. Bring in the moustaches.Copy !req
151. I think about Bree WalkerCopy !req
152. Masturbating me with her claw.Copy !req
153. Can we take that out, actually?Copy !req
154. No. Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?Copy !req
155. I hope this doesn't
affect your career,Copy !req
156. What you've said here.Copy !req
157. Come on!Copy !req
158. Since we're all doing
other people's material,Copy !req
159. Jake Johannsen
said the funniest thing.Copy !req
160. He moved down
to the Venice beach area,Copy !req
161. And he goes, "oh, it's just
an amazing neighborhood."Copy !req
162. And I said, "yeah, have you...
all these amazing characters."Copy !req
163. And I go, "have you seen
the little thalidomide guyCopy !req
164. "with the flippersCopy !req
165. "who happens to also
be a double amputeeCopy !req
166. "who moves along
on a skateboard,Copy !req
167. And he break-dances
and spins on his little hump?"Copy !req
168. And he went, "yes!Copy !req
169. "and the greatest thing
is that for a dollarCopy !req
170. You can look right at him."Copy !req
171. But we can't do
the deformed here at the, uh...Copy !req
172. I kid the deformed.Copy !req
173. Hey, wait a sec. Gary?Copy !req
174. Are you twittering again?Copy !req
175. We are live online.Copy !req
176. I am telling peopleCopy !req
177. That Andy Dick looks lucidCopy !req
178. And handsome,Copy !req
179. And the other celebrity namesCopy !req
180. Currently making me giggleCopy !req
181. Are Eliza Dushku,Copy !req
182. Marcia gay harden,Copy !req
183. And...Copy !req
184. Greg Louganis.Copy !req
185. Remember when Eliza Dushku
had that picture onlineCopy !req
186. Where you could see her cooter
through her see-through dress?Copy !req
187. I'm sorry.
And Alan Thicke.Copy !req
188. These are just funny names?Copy !req
189. I wasn't going
anywhere with that.Copy !req
190. I'm sorry.Copy !req
191. No, that's a great
comedy rhythm thing.Copy !req
192. DA, DA, DA, DA,
DA, DA, DA, DA, DA.Copy !req
193. Excuse me? Right.Copy !req
194. Pardon me.Copy !req
195. What is this list of people?
I...Copy !req
196. Okay, scratch the lucid part.Copy !req
197. Scratch the lucid part.Copy !req
198. Andy, I say this with the most
respect and affection for you.Copy !req
199. Okay?
You are...Copy !req
200. That's horrible!Copy !req
201. Like nobody could ever
have any kind of respect.Copy !req
202. I'm a big fan of yours,
as you know.Copy !req
203. You've done some amazing work
over the years.Copy !req
204. Your best work by farCopy !req
205. Is celebrity rehab.Copy !req
206. Oh...Copy !req
207. That's mean.Copy !req
208. - You were ver... what do
you mean, that's mean?Copy !req
209. I mean it sincerely, genuinely.Copy !req
210. Some of my best acting?Copy !req
211. You were phenomenal.Copy !req
212. You were so real and authenticCopy !req
213. And so pathetic at the start.Copy !req
214. And then you beco...Copy !req
215. - I went in in a bad place.Copy !req
216. It was really genuine.Copy !req
217. How much of the reality
of that is reality?Copy !req
218. - It's... it's real.Copy !req
219. It's like a game show, where...Copy !req
220. It's a good way to go
with rehab.Copy !req
221. A game show principle.Copy !req
222. I think it's good.Copy !req
223. I think the highest
recovery rate is plinko.Copy !req
224. I'll take
"hit rock bottom" for 50.Copy !req
225. When you did that show,Copy !req
226. Was that, like, "well,
I've gone so public with thisCopy !req
227. "that this now, my 375th rehab,Copy !req
228. Is gonna stick?"Copy !req
229. Tenth.Copy !req
230. - Tenth.
- Tenth.Copy !req
231. - Yeah.
- No, it wasn't about,Copy !req
232. "oh, this one's gonna stick."Copy !req
233. I... I go in to every one
of my rehabs...Copy !req
234. Thinking it's gonna stick.Copy !req
235. I... I think, "this is it, man.
I gotta..."Copy !req
236. Rehabs are like pilots.Copy !req
237. This might be the one,
if not...Copy !req
238. I'll get the check!Copy !req
239. When you go in...Copy !req
240. I haven't had a drink in,
like...Copy !req
241. It's been a... by the way,
it's been a year and two months.Copy !req
242. - You're freaking me out.
- A year and two months.Copy !req
243. But what I was gonna sayCopy !req
244. Is right behind you is...Copy !req
245. In my very first rehab,Copy !req
246. She was, uh,
I guess it's called an r.A.Copy !req
247. Or a nurse or a technician.Copy !req
248. It's my friend Rain Pryor.Copy !req
249. Rain Pryor was
your rehab R.A.?Copy !req
250. Rain Pryor is sitting
next to Kelly Carlin.Copy !req
251. And...Copy !req
252. Can I just take a moment?Copy !req
253. I gotta share this
with you guys,Copy !req
254. Because doing this,Copy !req
255. Having all you guysCopy !req
256. And friends
who've been on this showCopy !req
257. Over the past few nights,Copy !req
258. It's just been really riveting.Copy !req
259. I don't think
we should do blow right here.Copy !req
260. No, you wanna hear this.Copy !req
261. Kelly comes up to meCopy !req
262. And she puts her hand
in mine like that.Copy !req
263. Like that.
You feel that?Copy !req
264. And I'm like,
"what the fuck is that?"Copy !req
265. And she goes,
"this belonged to my dad,Copy !req
266. And I want you to have it."Copy !req
267. And this is George Carlin's
Jester pin.Copy !req
268. - Oh, my God.
- Wow.Copy !req
269. - Wow.
- And, uh...Copy !req
270. I cried like
a little prison bitch.Copy !req
271. He did.Copy !req
272. - Put it in... appropriately,Copy !req
273. I put it in the bag
I put my weed in.Copy !req
274. I felt that would be an homage.Copy !req
275. And the crucifix.Copy !req
276. - And I... I think I'm gonna
Pierce my cock with it.Copy !req
277. I think that would be
very appropriate.Copy !req
278. It's about time.
It's about time.Copy !req
279. Good thing you didn't
turn a touching speechCopy !req
280. Into something cheap
at the end there.Copy !req
281. You know, you were
able to... Preserve it.Copy !req
282. "I'll never forget this.Copy !req
283. I'm gonna do my cock and
the thing and the boom and..."Copy !req
284. Yeah.
If there was a comedianCopy !req
285. That wrote
the declaration of independence,Copy !req
286. At the end end
it would have been, "cock."Copy !req
287. Yeah, right.Copy !req
288. - "by the way,
to king George... cock."Copy !req
289. Was that
a rich hall impression?Copy !req
290. Possibly an unintentional
rich hall impression.Copy !req
291. Yeah, I get that a lot.Copy !req
292. Well, I have people mimic me.Copy !req
293. And they always say...
it's this horrible...Copy !req
294. They all do the same thing.Copy !req
295. It's, like, do I sound
that nasally and gay?Copy !req
296. Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.Copy !req
297. Here's how you sound.Copy !req
298. "I'm Andy Dick!"Copy !req
299. Let me do you.
"I'm Andy kindler!"Copy !req
300. Wait, wait.Copy !req
301. Right now Gilbert Gottfried
is watching this going,Copy !req
302. "ugh! I can't stand this."Copy !req
303. "Andy Dick, I don't get.
Kindler, not so much.Copy !req
304. Andy Dick, sure."Copy !req
305. I want to have
Gilbert Gottfried's voiceCopy !req
306. On my GPS.Copy !req
307. I do. I really do.Copy !req
308. "make a left!Copy !req
309. "a left!
Make a left here!Copy !req
310. "and then keep going.Copy !req
311. "it doesn't matter.Copy !req
312. Just keep going."Copy !req
313. Yes! There it is.Copy !req
314. It's like Jay Leno.Copy !req
315. "oh, yeah, yeah.
What else is on the show?Copy !req
316. Ah, headlines, yeah."Copy !req
317. You're a bitter man.Copy !req
318. I don't enjoy much.Copy !req
319. Why are you so angry?
We go back, you and I...Copy !req
320. And you too.
- And me... yeah.Copy !req
321. - Don't... it gets intenseCopy !req
322. When you start
waving twizzlers at me.Copy !req
323. But, um, you always
were angry, right?Copy !req
324. Uh, I am.Copy !req
325. I do have
a certain level of anger.Copy !req
326. Maybe if I, uh, had made
more of a living, maybe.Copy !req
327. I complain to my landlord
every month.Copy !req
328. He doesn't like my material.Copy !req
329. I give him drink tickets
instead of the rent.Copy !req
330. Doesn't go over.Copy !req
331. Well, I find that the thingCopy !req
332. That makes a person a comedianCopy !req
333. Is that the anger
is generated...Copy !req
334. I create rage
like fumes from a bus.Copy !req
335. Like, if I'm up and I'm moving,Copy !req
336. I'm manufacturing rage.Copy !req
337. And as my life has become
a little more settled,Copy !req
338. It focuses to other things.Copy !req
339. 'cause I was talking
about reality shows.Copy !req
340. My wife loves,
like, any, like...Copy !req
341. Real housewives of new Jersey
or whatever it is.Copy !req
342. I cannot be in the room.Copy !req
343. It drives me insane,Copy !req
344. Because I had
this realization one day.Copy !req
345. It's, like, okay,
you're watching peopleCopy !req
346. That are not actorsCopy !req
347. In phony situationsCopy !req
348. Created by people
that are not writers,Copy !req
349. And the non-actors
are second-guessingCopy !req
350. How they think you would like
to see them behaveCopy !req
351. Were the situation genuine,
which it isn't.Copy !req
352. And you are passively
observing this.Copy !req
353. You're technically not even
alive at this point.Copy !req
354. You know, you are watchingCopy !req
355. An amateur production
of nothing.Copy !req
356. Hear, hear!Copy !req
357. And it's the refusal...Copy !req
358. If you add...Copy !req
359. If you add
one more layer to it,Copy !req
360. The fabric
of reality will tear,Copy !req
361. And the demons of pellucidar
will fill the room, and...Copy !req
362. - Demons of pellucidar.Copy !req
363. - Perhaps you've heard of...
- Comedy gold.Copy !req
364. - Edgar rice Burroughs.
- The demons of pellucidar.Copy !req
365. Did you just get back
from a Dennis Miller workshop?Copy !req
366. Is that what happened?
- I just came back from... yes.Copy !req
367. All of a sudden, I'm...Copy !req
368. How did you end up in rehab?Copy !req
369. Uh, I came to, and I'd
rubbed my shit everywhere,Copy !req
370. And I don't remember doing it.Copy !req
371. You what?Copy !req
372. All of a sudden Andy went,
"now I'm listening."Copy !req
373. So I came to,Copy !req
374. And I'd... I'd rubbed
my poo everywhere.Copy !req
375. Looked around the bed,Copy !req
376. And I looked at my hands,Copy !req
377. And there's shit
all over my hands,Copy !req
378. And I'm like, you know,Copy !req
379. "this looks like
my handiwork."Copy !req
380. Uh...Copy !req
381. "this clearly seems
to be an inside job."Copy !req
382. Oh! No!
This is the funny thing!Copy !req
383. I don't mean,
like, I'd passed outCopy !req
384. And shat the bed.Copy !req
385. I mean, I'd got inside my ass,Copy !req
386. Got my shit, and got creative.Copy !req
387. Ohh... Ugh...Copy !req
388. Now, why isn't this
on reality television?Copy !req
389. Wait, you reached up?Copy !req
390. Did you reach up it?
You'd have to put...Copy !req
391. This is a fist to gay people,
by the way.Copy !req
392. This is a fist to gay people?Copy !req
393. This is how gay people fight.Copy !req
394. That's why they lose fights.Copy !req
395. Put 'Er there!Copy !req
396. In sepia!Copy !req
397. No, but I'm asking.Copy !req
398. Did you say you put your hand
and pulled it out?Copy !req
399. - I-I got creative,Copy !req
400. And then, like,
I was that much in denialCopy !req
401. That I then started
looking aroundCopy !req
402. To see if any windows
were open,Copy !req
403. Just in case someone
had broken in...Copy !req
404. Right.Copy !req
405. - Got inside my ass...
- Right.Copy !req
406. - And got creative.
- Yes.Copy !req
407. And I rang my dad...Copy !req
408. I hope you got rid
of that phone.Copy !req
409. To his credit...Copy !req
410. Yeah!Copy !req
411. Now, if you are with a womanCopy !req
412. When you wake up covered
in your own feces,Copy !req
413. It's like,
"I know this looks bad..."Copy !req
414. I mean, there's really
nothing you can say.Copy !req
415. "we have the worst
tooth fairy in ts town."Copy !req
416. So no, I...Copy !req
417. "he got his shit on me!"Copy !req
418. And, so, yeah,
I'd rubbed my shitCopy !req
419. All where my then girlfriend
had been sleeping,Copy !req
420. So do the fucking math on that.Copy !req
421. I can't believe she left.
What kind of a lady is this?Copy !req
422. Your wife is here.Copy !req
423. Is this the first
you've heard this story, or...?Copy !req
424. He pretty much opened with itCopy !req
425. On the first date.Copy !req
426. What an icebreaker.Copy !req
427. You don't understand.Copy !req
428. I'm Australian.
That's how we do it.Copy !req
429. Uh, when you ended up in rehab,Copy !req
430. Was there any feces involved?Copy !req
431. I'm more a urine guy.Copy !req
432. You're a pisser?Copy !req
433. I'm a pisser.Copy !req
434. This last time around,Copy !req
435. When I was in the back
of a cop car,Copy !req
436. I was telling them
I had to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
437. I said,
"I really have to go."Copy !req
438. And I'm handcuffed, and...Copy !req
439. I was in the back
of the car for hours,Copy !req
440. And I... I just let it go.Copy !req
441. Why'd they keep you
in the car so long?Copy !req
442. 'cause cops are great.Copy !req
443. I thought they were.
They seem so friendly.Copy !req
444. You know, Brendon's
coming over to the States,Copy !req
445. And I told him
if he wants to knowCopy !req
446. Everything there is to know
about American show business,Copy !req
447. You're the guy.Copy !req
448. Yeah.Copy !req
449. Go to the Leno show.Copy !req
450. Mention my name over there.Copy !req
451. Andy's scheduled
to be the guestCopy !req
452. Right after the guy
that killed Jay's family.Copy !req
453. He doesn't like anybody
who makes fun of him.Copy !req
454. He doesn't enjoy that so much.Copy !req
455. - I've... I've never
made fun of him,Copy !req
456. But he won't have me on.Copy !req
457. - Well, I just was worried...Copy !req
458. Would he be able to be
as edgy at 10:00?Copy !req
459. You know what I mean?
I mean...Copy !req
460. Will they let Jay be Jay?Copy !req
461. That's what I wanted to know.Copy !req
462. That's from my act.
I'm sorry, Paul.Copy !req
463. Now, when you go on the road,Copy !req
464. Do people, like, go,
"I love him!"Copy !req
465. - Well...Copy !req
466. - "he's a flag
that shits eagles."Copy !req
467. Pfft!Copy !req
468. Have you ever had
a development dealCopy !req
469. For Ur own series?Copy !req
470. I've had, uh...Copy !req
471. I've had so many
non-airing pilotsCopy !req
472. And in-house presentations.Copy !req
473. Your state of the industry
addressCopy !req
474. In the Montreal festival,Copy !req
475. It's a huge, huge,
comic's favorite.Copy !req
476. And are people familiar
with that?Copy !req
477. Here?Copy !req
478. Well, here...Copy !req
479. You're on letterman a lot.Copy !req
480. I'm on letterman a lot.
Things are fine.Copy !req
481. Why are we...
no, things are good.Copy !req
482. We're just trying to find out
why you're so angry.Copy !req
483. - No, I'm not angry.
I'm really very, very...Copy !req
484. It's just my shtick
to be angry.Copy !req
485. I wake up in the morning
and I'm dancing and singing.Copy !req
486. And I watch the view
just to get me exorcised.Copy !req
487. I just want to hearCopy !req
488. What Sherri Shepherd's take is
on anything.Copy !req
489. The woman who thought
the world was flatCopy !req
490. For about 18 hours.Copy !req
491. "yesterday, when I said
the world was flat,Copy !req
492. "I... at that moment,
I thought it was.Copy !req
493. "but now my people have told meCopy !req
494. It probably is not flat."Copy !req
495. Yeah. Ben Gleib, folks.Copy !req
496. I heard Patrick Swayze'sCopy !req
497. Will be a guest on the view
on Thursday...Copy !req
498. Only communicating
with Whoopi Goldberg.Copy !req
499. Well, the funny thingCopy !req
500. About the state
of the industry addressCopy !req
501. Is how the whole comedy industry
is here enjoying this,Copy !req
502. And you never
get a job out of it.Copy !req
503. Right.Copy !req
504. Well, they always...Copy !req
505. They always try
and come up like this...Copy !req
506. "maybe you could be a guyCopy !req
507. Who yells at people
in his office."Copy !req
508. You know, that's how they
always try and translate it.Copy !req
509. "the guy who's angry
with every haircut he gets.Copy !req
510. "he doesn't like it.Copy !req
511. You could be that guy."Copy !req
512. - You have...
you have to do it.Copy !req
513. They are never
gonna tell you...Copy !req
514. I... I too have had my hand
in more pilotsCopy !req
515. Than an air force proctologist.Copy !req
516. Wait, do that again
and we'll both do it.Copy !req
517. I have had my handCopy !req
518. In more pilots than
an air force proctologist.Copy !req
519. Why shouldn't the person
reacting also do a take?Copy !req
520. I don't know.Copy !req
521. Proctology.
You got nothin'?Copy !req
522. Here's what's
not happening to peopleCopy !req
523. Flipping by showtime right now.Copy !req
524. "is this queer as folk?"Copy !req
525. - Good free...
good freeze, Dana.Copy !req
526. Yeah, I held for it.Copy !req
527. What would be the perfect
Andy kindler series?Copy !req
528. Let's pitch it right now.Copy !req
529. Let's come up with itCopy !req
530. And pitch
the Andy kindler show.Copy !req
531. I just see the suffix:
A holocaust story.Copy !req
532. Something,
something, something,Copy !req
533. A holocaust story.Copy !req
534. At the end of every episode,Copy !req
535. I want it to, like, close inCopy !req
536. Like the cartoons used to
with you going, "no!"Copy !req
537. - Oh!
- Grr!Copy !req
538. Hitler!Copy !req
539. Given all the stuff
that you're talking aboutCopy !req
540. With show business
and everything,Copy !req
541. You have been on
the longest-runningCopy !req
542. Primetime series?Copy !req
543. - Longest running
yellow-character-based cartoon.Copy !req
544. - Were you, like,
really craving stand-up again?Copy !req
545. 'cause you took some time off,
right?Copy !req
546. - Yeah, I took a long time
off of stand-up,Copy !req
547. Because I...
I started when I was 17,Copy !req
548. And I did it, like,
straight through,Copy !req
549. And I... I never really
had a time as an adultCopy !req
550. Where I wasn't doing it.Copy !req
551. Got married, and I thought,Copy !req
552. "I'll just try being
a grown-up for a while."Copy !req
553. - How'd that work out?
- Not so much.Copy !req
554. Uh, I was working
in Austin, Texas,Copy !req
555. A couple of... two years ago,Copy !req
556. Which is a lovely town,Copy !req
557. Surrounded by Texas.
And...Copy !req
558. - That's exactly correct.Copy !req
559. Yeah, that's it.Copy !req
560. Beautiful city.Copy !req
561. And I was working
at the comedy club,Copy !req
562. And Larry the cable guyCopy !req
563. Was working a collection
of dredged waterwaysCopy !req
564. That they had just
bulldozed people into.Copy !req
565. And, um, and it was, like,Copy !req
566. I wouldn't know what to doCopy !req
567. When you have to wait
for the, you know, the time...Copy !req
568. Punch line!Copy !req
569. Well, you have
to have a catchphrase.Copy !req
570. Like mine was "same old,
same old" for many years.Copy !req
571. Remember that?
Same old, same old!Copy !req
572. It just shows to go ya!Copy !req
573. Was it really?Copy !req
574. If you can't finish it,Copy !req
575. Get a healthy start on her.Copy !req
576. I want to hear
more catchphrases.Copy !req
577. I don't think so, Sarah!Copy !req
578. Come up with one for me.Copy !req
579. Yeah, go on.Copy !req
580. It's still happening!Copy !req
581. Don't count me out yet!Copy !req
582. I guess mine would be
"don't shit the bed!"Copy !req
583. That sounds like
a nickelodeon show.Copy !req
584. It's a game show on logo.Copy !req
585. I have a backdoor pilot
at logo.Copy !req
586. - You remember in the '80s,
where it...Copy !req
587. In the '80s,
where it helped to haveCopy !req
588. A quotation name in between
your first and last names.Copy !req
589. - Like what?
- Andy "whiny Jew" kindler.Copy !req
590. With a head shot like this.Copy !req
591. I can't help it.
I'm funny.Copy !req
592. That was all in the headshot.Copy !req
593. Hamburger.
Do you remember hamburger?Copy !req
594. Oh, I remember hamburger.Copy !req
595. That was his hook line.Copy !req
596. He would just go,
"hamburger!"Copy !req
597. Yeah, he was
just sitting up there...Copy !req
598. This guy will just say the word
"hamburger," in the middle of...Copy !req
599. "hamburger!"
and people go insane.Copy !req
600. Huge in India.Copy !req
601. Huge!Copy !req
602. I like that.Copy !req
603. Can I get some props
from Andy kindler?Copy !req
604. I get the props!Copy !req
605. All right.Copy !req
606. Now, this hamburger thing...Copy !req
607. - Yeah.
- Is there a show there?Copy !req
608. Yeah, is there a show there?Copy !req
609. Why should I care
about hamburger?Copy !req
610. The guy says, "hamburger."Copy !req
611. Okay, I see you
as an angry butcher.Copy !req
612. - You like to grind meat.
- Yes.Copy !req
613. But you love your daughter.Copy !req
614. Speaking of comed...Copy !req
615. No one on this panelCopy !req
616. Kisses their audience's ass.Copy !req
617. Nothing sends me
out of a room faster than like,Copy !req
618. "I don't know how I get paid
to party with you guys.Copy !req
619. "I'm the luckiest guy alive.Copy !req
620. You guys are great."Copy !req
621. Fuck you!Copy !req
622. Ben Elwood is here
also from Australia.Copy !req
623. Oh, Ben Elwood?Copy !req
624. Ben Elwood is, like,
just immediately...Copy !req
625. Provenza and I,
when we first saw him as well,Copy !req
626. We're like,
"that's a comic."Copy !req
627. When he started out,Copy !req
628. He was such a raw, open,
honest, open spot,Copy !req
629. That when he did a gag
that didn't work,Copy !req
630. Rather than try and retrace
his steps or anything,Copy !req
631. There'd just be
deathly silence,Copy !req
632. And he'd just go, "fuck!Copy !req
633. Fuck!"Copy !req
634. - No comedian...Copy !req
635. No comedian is on stageCopy !req
636. To make people laugh.Copy !req
637. You're on stage
because you're damaged,Copy !req
638. And you need love
from strangers.Copy !req
639. You show me, "I just like
to make people laugh,"Copy !req
640. Then you're not a good comic.Copy !req
641. - You gotta... you gotta do
the impression.Copy !req
642. Of?Copy !req
643. Every comedian.Copy !req
644. Oh, what?Copy !req
645. Do I have to do an impressionCopy !req
646. Of you doing your impression?Copy !req
647. Yeah, I don't even
know what it is.Copy !req
648. Okay. This is the fuckin'
funniest thing ever.Copy !req
649. Dana just goes, "this is my
impression of every comedian."Copy !req
650. Zip.Copy !req
651. "love me!Copy !req
652. "love me, please!Copy !req
653. Please love me!"Copy !req
654. Please love me.Copy !req
655. Hey, thank you guys
for hanging outCopy !req
656. With my friends Brendon burns!Copy !req
657. An kindler!Copy !req
658. Dana Gould!Copy !req
659. Andy Dick!Copy !req
660. Come on back.
Hang out again.Copy !req