1. Okay!
Copy !req
2. No, it's, uh... it's really
just for the comics now,
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3. So, uh, I'm sorry.
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4. We got...
okay, all right.
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5. No, you can't come in.
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6. Okay. Whoo!
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7. Hey, come here.
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8. There's a bunch of comedians
hanging out with some friends.
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9. You're not supposed to be here,
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10. But if you're cool,
you can come and hang.
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11. But if you've ever been
offended by anything,
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12. Don't come in.
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13. It depends on when this airs,
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14. Because if it's
after armageddon,
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15. We're fucked.
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16. As long as you just don't look
at too much on the Internet
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17. And don't watch the news...
Yeah.
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18. You're usually in total bliss.
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19. That's why I say
the best thing to do
Copy !req
20. Is just watch animal porn
on the Internet.
Copy !req
21. Were you not hopeful
that there would be change
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22. With Obama in office?
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23. We love magic, man.
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24. We don't like talking reality.
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25. That's why I never really fell
for the whole thing.
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26. - We like ma...
that's why people think
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27. Ancient dishwashers have
predicted the end of the world
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28. In 2012, man.
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29. I don't believe in that.
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30. Ancient dishwashers?
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31. - The apocalypto goofy,
little, short dude...
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32. I don't believe in it.
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33. You feel this, though?
You feel this.
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34. It's just like, ooh, 'cause
I said ancient dishwashers.
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35. But let's be honest.
That's some funny shit.
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36. Predicted the end of the world.
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37. Bob, you got a fucking joke
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38. About something
about the end of the world?
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39. Um, jump in, roseanne.
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40. Whoo!
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41. I hate hope.
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42. Hope is fucking bullshit.
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43. And, really, I think anything
that takes you out of reality
Copy !req
44. Or, like, fucking dealing
with reality
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45. Is just bullshit
and therefore a reason...
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46. - And if there's anybody
who knows, it's you.
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47. What? Reality?
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48. I have my own reality.
It's, like, stark.
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49. I don't really search
for a lot of meaning
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50. Or fucking whatever.
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51. That's a statement at the loss
of hope for people.
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52. It ain't a loss of hope
for society.
Copy !req
53. Look it, the politicians do
what they supposed to do,
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54. But let me tell you,
when you take a job
Copy !req
55. As a person,
and you have to tell me,
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56. "okay, it's my job.
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57. "I'm gonna give you
a fake parking ticket.
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58. "I'm gonna bash you
in your head.
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59. 'cause I was told to do that."
You know what?
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60. No matter how much
it's your job,
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61. You're part of the reason
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62. We all gonna get fucked up
anyway, so...
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63. I got into a little trouble
at the airport,
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64. Because you know I have
a whole issue with the t.S.A.
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65. And all that bullshit security,
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66. Which is a fucking puppet show,
let's be honest.
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67. Of course it is.
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68. It's a total fraud.
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69. I spent a little time
in some small, windowless rooms,
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70. Because I don't want
to be complacent,
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71. 'cause complacency
is the problem.
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72. You know, you people just go,
"oh, well,
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73. That's the way it is,"
and that will be the way it is.
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74. So, but then I got
to make a flight,
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75. Because every year or two,
I have a gig.
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76. So...
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77. I just was hot under the collar
one day.
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78. I was traveling a lot.
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79. And then, you know,
they started with the bullshit.
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80. And I got
in a little hissy fit,
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81. And the guy goes,
"hey, I'm just doing my job."
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82. And I said, "oh, yeah. When's
the last time I heard that?
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83. Oh, yes, nuremberg."
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84. And boom.
Right into the little room.
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85. I'm always afraid
they'll go up my butt.
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86. Like, you know,
when they take you...
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87. I was like...
- Where do you fly?
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88. They put me in the little room,
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89. And the guy started putting on rubber gloves.
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90. I'm like, "you can't go
in my butt. You can't."
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91. 'cause I'm terrified,
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92. Because who knows what the fuck
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93. People are gonna do now?
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94. Here's my problem
with that whole thing.
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95. It's a fat black bitch that is
at the motherfucking Gate.
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96. Right?
- Patrice, can you name...
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97. Just say her name.
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98. It has to be tamika,
and don't try
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99. To set me up to do
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100. Your white humor
for you, nigger.
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101. I feel you, Bob.
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102. Our first defense
is someone trying
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103. To get home at 5:00
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104. To see Maury...
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105. Versus somebody who lives,
breathes,
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106. And eats killing me.
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107. And I don't trust them
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108. To make my life safe,
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109. 'cause they're reactive.
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110. They're not thinking of things.
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111. I think of things all the time
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112. On how do I blow up the airport
if I'm a terrorist.
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113. I still don't understand
what the problem is
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114. With having people look
inside your ass.
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115. I don't understand.
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116. I mean, I put altoids in there.
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117. You know,
I trick-or-treat that way.
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118. I just know one thing.
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119. When I go through the line,
I pick tamika,
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120. 'cause tamika loves my white ass
'cause I was on roseanne.
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121. "Whoo!
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122. "there's that funny white girl
from roseanne!
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123. Come on through!"
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124. I guess on where it's gonna be.
I'm working with it.
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125. Did you ever think
that when were young,
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126. You know,
back when we were alive,
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127. That we would, like, be going...
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128. We would be going
to the fucking airport...
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129. Army guys with, like, guns
and badges
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130. And shit like it's
fucking nazi Germany.
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131. Did you ever think
it was gonna be like that?
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132. Well, of course I didn't.
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133. - Are you telling...
- Okay.
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134. No, I didn't think that.
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135. Bob, Bob, say something
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136. Attached to what the fuck
they just said.
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137. Okay.
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138. What can come out your ass
after that?
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139. Let's figure it out.
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140. Some chewing gum, nigger?
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141. What's coming
out your ass, Bob?
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142. - I have never...
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143. First thing, I have never had
the "n" word thrown at me more.
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144. - Really?
- I like saying nigger.
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145. So do I!
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146. - Exactly, so...
and this is the thing.
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147. I love
the motherfucking word, right?
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148. And not 'cause...
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149. I love to say...
call anybody a nigger.
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150. I call white women nigger.
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151. It's just... I like that word.
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152. Why do you like that word?
Can I ask?
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153. Because black people ain't get
no money from slavery.
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154. We ain't gonna get reparations.
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155. What we did have is language.
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156. We got to say anything we want
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157. The way we want,
which is the reparations,
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158. Which is the fact
that I can say cracker all day,
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159. And everybody goes...
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160. Because that was my payoff
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161. As a black man.
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162. I get to say
what the fuck I want
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163. To white people anytime I want.
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164. So are we fucking even yet
or what?
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165. I mean, I have to say,
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166. It's still dangerous
to have any kind of opinion
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167. That isn't a right-wing opinion.
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168. It's still...
- Dangerous?
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169. Absolutely.
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170. I know one thing for sure.
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171. When I was, you know,
16 years old,
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172. People talked about abortion,
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173. And women talked
about abortion.
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174. It was, like, you know,
a prideful conversation.
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175. It was a conversation
about the survival
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176. Of what a woman's future was,
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177. And now I wouldn't fucking start
talking about abortion.
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178. - Hell, no.
- I may talk about it here,
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179. 'cause I know
you'll cut the shit out.
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180. Oh, no, I ain't.
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181. This show is all about you
talking about abortion.
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182. As a matter of fact,
a little later on,
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183. We're gonna give you one.
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184. Honey, I had mine,
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185. And I enjoyed
every minute of it.
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186. And my boyfriend was catholic.
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187. So you put that in your fucking
pipe and smoke it.
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188. It was a long fucking time ago.
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189. Maybe it's just
that it's dangerous for women.
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190. I wake up every day,
and I think about how old
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191. That baby would be right now.
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192. That's how I feel.
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193. Hang on, hang on, hang on.
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194. That's an interesting thing
you about to say.
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195. I think
that maybe it's for women
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196. That it's dangerous
to have anything
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197. But a right-wing opinion.
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198. - I think it goes like this.
- Uh-huh.
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199. Black women can say
anything they want.
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200. White women can say 95%
of the things they want.
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201. Black guys can say the next
level of things they want.
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202. And straight white dudes
can't say nothing.
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203. I want to ask Rosie about this.
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204. Speaking of women taking risks.
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205. Oh, shit.
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206. Yeah, I got in a little bit
of trouble
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207. For that too.
Of course you did.
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208. Oh, wow.
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209. That is fucking hysterical.
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210. It's so funny.
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211. You are so out there, roseanne.
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212. You actually look
like Hitler in the picture.
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213. Don't I look like Hitler?
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214. You look just like Hitler,
like you have his face.
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215. Thank you.
Thank you.
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216. Check out
my fucking Hitler shit.
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217. It's Hitler.
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218. And these are little
gingerbread jews, aren't they?
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219. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
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220. It's, like, a Jewish woman,
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221. And she's dressed up
like Hitler,
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222. And, you know,
he's in drag... hitler.
Copy !req
223. And he's baking cookies,
and he's really proud of 'em,
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224. But also he's looking off
into the horizon
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225. Because he has a dream.
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226. It's was for heeb magazine.
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227. It was their Germany issue,
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228. And who better
a symbol of Germany
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229. Than Hitler?
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230. And now what did
your detractors
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231. Have to say about this?
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232. Oh, my God,
you don't want to piss off jews.
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233. Even if you're a Jew,
don't piss off jews.
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234. Nobody pisses off jews
worse than jews.
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235. Yeah, all jews hate each other.
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236. So jews went crazy over this,
understandably.
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237. - Yeah, and they...
I don't see understandably.
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238. Like, it really pissed me off,
'cause they're like,
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239. "you're making fun
of the people in the ovens!"
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240. Well, I'm not making fun
of the people in the ovens.
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241. You kind of are, though.
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242. I kind of am not.
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243. I mean, let's be honest here.
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244. The only thing
would have been worse
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245. If you made the cookies skinny.
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246. Wow.
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247. No, that's so not right.
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248. Can I finish up?
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249. - Yes, yes, please.
- Okay.
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250. Also there's another
deeper layer to it.
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251. You know, just the everyday.
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252. Moving off of this holocaust,
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253. There's been about 50 of them
since then.
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254. And that's what I'm kind of
trying to say is, like,
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255. Jesus Christ,
it's so fucking everyday now.
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256. Holocaust...
it's like baking cookies.
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257. - Well...
- And, you know, it really is.
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258. It really is.
That's fucking beautiful.
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259. Were you not aware
when you were doing this
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260. That that's not what people
would be thinking?
Copy !req
261. that this...
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262. - Roseanne has enough faith
in humanity...
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263. - I don't give a fuck
what people think. That's it.
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264. I care what people do.
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265. I don't care what they think.
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266. That's what I'm trying to say,
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267. Is let's stop holocausts.
Copy !req
268. Like, when I did sing
the star-spangled banner...
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269. Hey, let's care about freedom,
Copy !req
270. Instead of symbols of freedom
for a fucking change.
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271. You know what I mean?
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272. I'm just really old.
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273. When you're
postmenopausal, man,
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274. You're kind of crazy.
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275. You've been postmenopausal
for a long fucking time.
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276. You know
what's particularly tragic
Copy !req
277. Is that you can't be
nuanced anymore.
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278. - That is really a great point.
- That's really true.
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279. That you can't be layered
or ironic,
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280. That you have to serve it up
absolutely blatant.
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281. Otherwise, people won't get it.
Copy !req
282. And that's what's most
disturbing about our culture.
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283. - Probably true.
- Most of that,
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284. In terms of art and comedy
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285. Actually is coming
from the left.
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286. I agree!
I totally fucking agree.
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287. Explain that.
Explain yourself.
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288. - Because the
political-correctness thing
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289. Took over.
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290. Right.
And now political correctness,
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291. Which is a well-intended,
meaningful effort to include
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292. And to not just
casually accept things
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293. That we had casually accepted
for generations
Copy !req
294. Has been bastardized
into some orwellian sort of...
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295. It's just to shut people up.
Copy !req
296. I mean, the left loves to censor
people and shut 'em up.
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297. The left and the right,
they're the same fucking thing.
Copy !req
298. Exactly.
Exactly.
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299. It was like years ago
when I first started performing,
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300. And all these, like,
lesbian feminists in Seattle,
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301. Like, surrounded me.
Copy !req
302. Like, I thought they were going
to, like, scalp me.
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303. - Fuck, that's hot.
- 'Cause I was wearing...
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304. 'cause I was wearing
a fucking skirt.
Copy !req
305. And they said, "do you know
what you're doing
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306. To the feminist movement?"
Yeah.
Copy !req
307. I said, "yeah,
hopefully feminizing it."
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308. Fuck.
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309. Now, you mind if I ask...
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310. I had that too, same shit.
Copy !req
311. Can I ask roseanne and Sandra
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312. If it's better now to be
Copy !req
313. A woman doing comedy
than it was
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314. When you started?
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315. It's easier for me.
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316. Well, I think it's easier
for everybody
Copy !req
317. To do comedy now,
because it's just...
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318. - Right. Right.
- Really?
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319. Yeah, because, once again,
we're back
Copy !req
320. To just, like,
the common denominator
Copy !req
321. Of total stupidity.
Copy !req
322. Because nobody wants
to do the work.
Copy !req
323. You know,
anybody can just get up now...
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324. Thank you.
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325. And do this shit
on a reality show,
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326. And they'll fucking applaud
Copy !req
327. Like they've been out there
doing this shit for 30 years.
Copy !req
328. And I don't think
there's anybody sitting here
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329. Who didn't, you know,
at five years old,
Copy !req
330. Know that this was
what they were going to do.
Copy !req
331. One of the nice things
that Richard Pryor said to me,
Copy !req
332. Which affected me a lot,
Copy !req
333. Was, "how old were you
when you knew you were funny?"
Copy !req
334. And I said, "I was four."
Copy !req
335. And he said, "yeah."
Copy !req
336. He said it at the same time
that I said it.
Copy !req
337. He said, you know, four.
Copy !req
338. If you're born to do it,
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339. You don't have any choice.
Copy !req
340. I remember seeing Richard Pryor
Copy !req
341. When I was a kid
on ed Sullivan.
Copy !req
342. When I saw him,
it was, like, I just got it.
Copy !req
343. I got that he was
inside the stereotype.
Copy !req
344. I got that he was
right inside it
Copy !req
345. And pushing out.
Copy !req
346. People ask me
who my favorite comedians are.
Copy !req
347. It's Richard Pryor
and George carlin.
Copy !req
348. I didn't look at them and go,
Copy !req
349. "I could do...
that's what I could do."
Copy !req
350. - Right.
- I looked at them and said,
Copy !req
351. "I'm funny,
but I can't do that."
Copy !req
352. Now people watch comedy and go,
Copy !req
353. "shit, I can do that shit."
Copy !req
354. I was hilarious till I started
doing comedy, man.
Copy !req
355. I hear that.
Copy !req
356. Comedy took
all my funny away, man.
Copy !req
357. Let me ask you this.
Copy !req
358. Is it the commerce
that did it to you?
Copy !req
359. It's the fact
that I had to pay a bill
Copy !req
360. And the fact that,
when I first started,
Copy !req
361. I used to care
about whether this guy laughed,
Copy !req
362. This guy, this woman.
Copy !req
363. But then as I got
my first compliment
Copy !req
364. Or my first paycheck
or whatever,
Copy !req
365. I started to use people.
Copy !req
366. Are you talking about
in the business sense?
Copy !req
367. Like, if I think somebody
is in here
Copy !req
368. That could do something
for my career,
Copy !req
369. I'm using these people
to show you
Copy !req
370. How funny I am
to get what I want
Copy !req
371. As opposed
to really loving 'em.
Copy !req
372. But I'm trying to love
the people again.
Copy !req
373. That's what made me
start comedy.
Copy !req
374. So at what point
did you realize
Copy !req
375. That that had happened to you
Copy !req
376. And you decided...
Copy !req
377. - When I got suicidal.
Copy !req
378. When I was sitting there broke.
Copy !req
379. This is back
when burger king first came out
Copy !req
380. With 99-cent sandwiches.
Copy !req
381. And I had two of 'em
on my stomach, one in my hand.
Copy !req
382. If I had a gun...
Copy !req
383. Because I came
from the first time
Copy !req
384. I ever did
the Aspen comedy festival,
Copy !req
385. I killed so hard, I was scared
Copy !req
386. I was gonna be famous and shit.
Copy !req
387. And then it didn't happen
like I wanted it to happen,
Copy !req
388. And I got disappointed.
Copy !req
389. And I said,
"fuck it. Let me just...
Copy !req
390. I'ma just do what I do."
Copy !req
391. Which is why motherfuckers
don't know me
Copy !req
392. From a goddamn...
Copy !req
393. You heard the claps.
Copy !req
394. Roseanne..."whoa!"
Copy !req
395. "whoa!"
Copy !req
396. "whoo!"
Copy !req
397. "we should be whooing."
Copy !req
398. What about your material, man?
Copy !req
399. You're feeling good about that?
Copy !req
400. Yeah.
I love that.
Copy !req
401. I love being able
to say anything I want.
Copy !req
402. - Mm-hmm.
- I had to learn to stop caring
Copy !req
403. About people not laughing,
Copy !req
404. Because the idea
of comedy really
Copy !req
405. Is not everybody
should be laughing.
Copy !req
406. - Right.
- There should be
Copy !req
407. About 50 people laughing
and 50 people horrified.
Copy !req
408. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
409. There's supposed to be people
that get it
Copy !req
410. And people that don't get it.
Copy !req
411. For some reason,
Copy !req
412. The people who don't get it
have a lot more energy
Copy !req
413. To say, "you suck!" harder
than the people who love you.
Copy !req
414. Yeah, and we only hear
the one person
Copy !req
415. That looks at us with hatred.
Copy !req
416. They usually also get up
in the middle of your show
Copy !req
417. And say, "fuck you,"
and walk out.
Copy !req
418. I've had that.
Copy !req
419. And I actually fucked someone.
Copy !req
420. One of my favorite stories
Copy !req
421. Is, like, Sandra, I heard
in the catskills
Copy !req
422. That you were onstage, and
it was all old Jewish people.
Copy !req
423. No, they told me
it was the singles weekend
Copy !req
424. At the Concord.
Copy !req
425. - When I went in later...
Copy !req
426. It was the story
they tell everybody
Copy !req
427. 'cause it's so legendary.
Copy !req
428. And some old guy,
he's about 80,
Copy !req
429. He says,
"say something nice, Sarah."
Copy !req
430. He thought
she was fucking Sarah bernhardt.
Copy !req
431. and, um...
Copy !req
432. And she looked at him,
and you said,
Copy !req
433. "eat my pussy"...
Copy !req
434. which I think is great.
Copy !req
435. - I did?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
436. She went, "oh, my goodness."
Copy !req
437. I blocked that one out.
Copy !req
438. - You have to stop worrying
about your career is what you...
Copy !req
439. - I've stopped worrying
about it. It's done.
Copy !req
440. I'm 40 with high blood
pressure and diabetes.
Copy !req
441. I'm fini...
I'm the oldest dude
Copy !req
442. Doing this show, man.
No, you're not.
Copy !req
443. You're fine.
Copy !req
444. Verne Troyer's gonna do
another movie... mini-me.
Copy !req
445. If he can get shot
out of a cannon into a vagina,
Copy !req
446. You're gonna work
the rest of your life.
Copy !req
447. Here's the funny shit
about Bob.
Copy !req
448. He leans in
like this shit's poignant.
Copy !req
449. Let me tell you something
about vaginas, son.
Copy !req
450. That's right.
Copy !req
451. Bob, Bob,
just finger something already.
Copy !req
452. Uh, somebody told me
something once
Copy !req
453. That I think
about all the time,
Copy !req
454. Even though I did get
filthy rich,
Copy !req
455. Um...
Copy !req
456. From comedy.
Copy !req
457. But this person said,
"sometimes you get a choice
Copy !req
458. Between being successful
and being great."
Copy !req
459. Yeah.
Copy !req
460. With all due respect,
Copy !req
461. As a friend,
my suggestion...
Copy !req
462. I have three daughters.
Copy !req
463. What, you trying
to fix them up?
Copy !req
464. Wow, man.
Copy !req
465. You really are cool.
Copy !req
466. I knew this was gonna go there.
Copy !req
467. What I'm telling you is
you gotta get outside yourself.
Copy !req
468. Everybody has to get out
of the narcissistic.
Copy !req
469. And I'm a big narcissist.
Copy !req
470. What I'm suggesting
to you is have a child.
Copy !req
471. First thing, it's seven minutes.
It's true.
Copy !req
472. But a child will give you
Copy !req
473. A projection outside...
Copy !req
474. - What do you mean,
it's seven minutes?
Copy !req
475. Seven minutes of material,
immediately.
Copy !req
476. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
477. It's a panel.
Copy !req
478. What you need to do, though,
is get outside yourself.
Copy !req
479. They do bring you...
Copy !req
480. - Congratulations,
Mr. Saget.
Copy !req
481. It's a tight 20.
Copy !req
482. - Don't say... don't say tight
about my child.
Copy !req
483. I'm saying,
if you get out of yourself
Copy !req
484. And not make it about you,
and having a kid is a thing
Copy !req
485. That does give you hope.
Copy !req
486. Bob, I understand
what you saying,
Copy !req
487. But it also makes you go,
when they go,
Copy !req
488. "patrice, you want to do
celebrity fit club?"
Copy !req
489. If I have a kid,
I go, "yes."
Copy !req
490. If I don't have a kid,
I go, "nah."
Copy !req
491. By celebrity fit club,
patrice means full house.
Copy !req
492. Okay, I did the show.
Copy !req
493. Hello, my name is Bob.
I did full house.
Copy !req
494. "hi, Bob."
Copy !req
495. - Okay, no kids...
good question, Bob.
Copy !req
496. You have no children,
do you do full house,
Copy !req
497. And do you do
America's funniest home videos,
Copy !req
498. If you didn't have any kids?
Copy !req
499. And I'm not disrespecting...
but I'm asking you that.
Copy !req
500. - You want the answer?
- Yes.
Copy !req
501. The first thing I did,
Copy !req
502. It took me eight years
of hosting at the comedy store
Copy !req
503. And the improv in town
Copy !req
504. And working clubs
and trying to get a job.
Copy !req
505. And then the first thing
Copy !req
506. I got was a Richard Pryor movie,
critical condition.
Copy !req
507. I went and did that and then
never thought I'd work again.
Copy !req
508. I did just have a baby.
Copy !req
509. And I wanted
to be on a sitcom forever.
Copy !req
510. And the producers of it saw me
in the Richard Pryor movie,
Copy !req
511. Critical condition,
and that's why they hired me.
Copy !req
512. So I wanted to be on a sitcom.
Copy !req
513. So the answer is...
would I do it over again?
Copy !req
514. This is the path.
Copy !req
515. You go through the doors
that open.
Copy !req
516. - Fair enough. Fair enough.
- And if a door doesn't open,
Copy !req
517. You can't push on it
'cause you're fucked.
Copy !req
518. - Yeah.
- So, you know, I would play
Copy !req
519. The gay father of three again.
Copy !req
520. Fair enough.
Fair enough.
Copy !req
521. Not now.
I don't know.
Copy !req
522. You weren't gay
on that show, were you?
Copy !req
523. Yeah, I lived with two men
in San Francisco.
Copy !req
524. I was not gay.
Copy !req
525. I don't judge people
in Hollywood
Copy !req
526. That do anything,
'cause you just don't know, man.
Copy !req
527. If Steven Spielberg says,
"hey, you gonna be in jaws 12."
Copy !req
528. If you get a call
from Steven Spielberg
Copy !req
529. And he says,
"you're in jaws 12,"
Copy !req
530. You're gonna be chum.
Copy !req
531. - Fuck you, nigger!
I'm fucking...
Copy !req
532. - Do not take it.
Do not take it.
Copy !req
533. Don't take that.
Copy !req
534. That'll be the same call
that roseanne gets
Copy !req
535. From Steven Spielberg
when he says
Copy !req
536. He loved the picture
of you as the nazi.
Copy !req
537. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
538. Yeah, that'll happen.
Copy !req
539. Next shavuos.
Copy !req
540. - Did you get...
did you get, like,
Copy !req
541. Professional trouble
from that photo?
Copy !req
542. Oh, I always get
in professional trouble.
Copy !req
543. Oh, yeah.
You know what?
Copy !req
544. I do what I want to do.
I'm so lucky.
Copy !req
545. I do it when I want to do it.
Copy !req
546. And I do it
the way I want to do it.
Copy !req
547. I don't kiss nobody's ass,
because I'm a comic.
Copy !req
548. I have to spit in their eye,
so when I get up there,
Copy !req
549. I mean, they don't never
invite me back again,
Copy !req
550. But, fuck, that's how it is.
Copy !req
551. When you say that, though,
what does that mean to you?
Copy !req
552. Like I got to meet
the mayor of Jerusalem.
Copy !req
553. And I was starting shaking,
Copy !req
554. You know,
and I knew I was gonna do it,
Copy !req
555. And, you know,
part of me too was like,
Copy !req
556. "you're gonna get
in a lot of fucking trouble.
Copy !req
557. Keep your fucking
big mouth shut."
Copy !req
558. 'cause I have that.
We all have that, right?
Copy !req
559. "don't fucking do it."
"Just shut up. Please."
Copy !req
560. "for once in your fucking life,
Copy !req
561. "just go in there
and be gracious.
Copy !req
562. "like, fucking just be nice
and gracious,
Copy !req
563. And keep
your fucking mouth shut."
Copy !req
564. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
565. And then I was like,
I know I couldn't.
Copy !req
566. And I just couldn't,
'cause I'm a comic.
Copy !req
567. But you still
pulled off icon, though.
Copy !req
568. I want to say
what I said to him,
Copy !req
569. 'cause I'm so proud of myself.
Right.
Copy !req
570. He was overlooking
the dome of the rock
Copy !req
571. And the mountain,
the whole thing.
Copy !req
572. We were all...
the whole fucking thing's
Copy !req
573. About a piece of real estate
that big.
Copy !req
574. That's why there's hundreds
of wars
Copy !req
575. For millions of years.
Copy !req
576. And I say,
"how come we can't share that
Copy !req
577. With arabs and stuff?"
Copy !req
578. - Oh, shit.
- And he said... and he goes,
Copy !req
579. "well, that's
what we're supposed to do
Copy !req
580. After the messiah comes."
Copy !req
581. I go, "he's not gonna come
Copy !req
582. Till we do do it,
don't you think?"
Copy !req
583. You know, I mean, it was cool,
Copy !req
584. But then I was, like...
Copy !req
585. And I was all shaking
and sweating and stuff.
Copy !req
586. I mean, I shake now
when I think about it.
Copy !req
587. And my knees were shaking,
but I was like,
Copy !req
588. "that's what you're supposed
to do, I guess."
Copy !req
589. You went crazy on fox news.
Copy !req
590. I have several times.
Copy !req
591. - On your blog, especially...
your award-winning blog.
Copy !req
592. - Yeah.
- What was the award it won?
Copy !req
593. Uh, I can't remember.
Copy !req
594. It was
the most incoherent blog ever.
Copy !req
595. - Is that right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
596. Really?
It won most incoherent blog?
Copy !req
597. Yeah.
Copy !req
598. That's great.
No.
Copy !req
599. That's an honor from a.O.L.
Copy !req
600. She was also voted best nazi
chef on the food channel.
Copy !req
601. An interesting little tidbit.
Copy !req
602. I was on fox news
promoting something last year,
Copy !req
603. And Ann Coulter
literally ran into my arms
Copy !req
604. And told me
how much she loved me.
Copy !req
605. I was like, "this is so..."
- Wow.
Copy !req
606. Yeah. We made out.
It was...
Copy !req
607. My friend Lee camp is here.
Say hello to Lee camp.
Copy !req
608. Lee camp is a terrific,
terrific comedian.
Copy !req
609. Very funny guy.
I'm gonna run this clip.
Copy !req
610. You'll appreciate this.
Oh, cool.
Copy !req
611. Lee, just set it up
before I play it, will you?
Copy !req
612. They invited me on
to tell jokes,
Copy !req
613. And I did
what you did, roseanne.
Copy !req
614. I was like,
"fuck telling jokes."
Copy !req
615. So this is what I did.
Copy !req
616. - You gotta see this.
This is when I fell in love...
Copy !req
617. - Oh, you were on fox?
Copy !req
618. Not only watch the clip
that Lee is on,
Copy !req
619. But then pay attention
to what happens after it,
Copy !req
620. Just to show you the journalism
we're discussing.
Copy !req
621. Yeah, I'm sure you guys
are gonna have
Copy !req
622. A lot more jokes for the rest
of the campaign here.
Copy !req
623. They keep coming.
- Oh, what...
Copy !req
624. Can I just ask a question?
- Sure.
Copy !req
625. What is fox news?
Copy !req
626. It's just a parade
of propaganda, isn't it?
Copy !req
627. It's just...
Copy !req
628. A million people
are dead in Iraq.
Copy !req
629. Come on, this is ridiculous.
Copy !req
630. What's the point of this?
Copy !req
631. - Um...
- This is insane.
Copy !req
632. - Well, I love fox news.
- People at home, go outside.
Copy !req
633. Go... go hug your children.
Copy !req
634. - Lee, you should be more...
Copy !req
635. Lee, you should be
more worried...
Copy !req
636. - Love your family.
- And you get all the news at...
Copy !req
637. You can get all the news you can
at fox news.
Copy !req
638. All right, thanks, guys.
Copy !req
639. All right, that's it.
Copy !req
640. All right, we're also talking
Copy !req
641. About Captain Kirk
this morning.
Copy !req
642. Awesome!
Copy !req
643. How much do we love
Lee camp, huh?
Copy !req
644. - What happened after...
Copy !req
645. - You wanted me to go over
some of my hate mail real quick.
Copy !req
646. - Oh, boy.
- 'Cause it's great.
Copy !req
647. These people are geniuses.
They really are.
Copy !req
648. "fuck you for what you said,
you commie.
Copy !req
649. "you can suck my ball sack.
Copy !req
650. And get a hair cut,
you fag."
Copy !req
651. Can I just say, my mother
had not been in her right mind.
Copy !req
652. I'm accused of being a fag,
Copy !req
653. But he's asked me
to suck his ball sack, so...
Copy !req
654. That's something.
Copy !req
655. This one said, "at least
Hitler didn't sit on his hands.
Copy !req
656. "he got to killing his enemies
as America should,
Copy !req
657. "starting with traitors
like you, you coward bastard.
Copy !req
658. All you want to do
is talk your bull****."
Copy !req
659. So praising Hitler,
he's gonna murder me,
Copy !req
660. But he self-censored
the word "shit."
Copy !req
661. It's also an odd way
to compliment Hitler.
Copy !req
662. He didn't say
Hitler's a good man.
Copy !req
663. He just said
he didn't sit on his hands.
Copy !req
664. So it's like, "you can call him
a mass murderer all you want,
Copy !req
665. But I will not sit here
while you call him lethargic."
Copy !req
666. Lee camp.
Copy !req
667. Hey, guys,
this has been phenomenal.
Copy !req
668. Thanks for being here.
What a great show you've got.
Copy !req
669. - Thank you.
- This is your show, by the way,
Copy !req
670. Which I think is exciting.
Copy !req
671. Yeah, it is exciting.
Copy !req
672. Thank you.
That's very nice.
Copy !req
673. Stroke the shaft.
Copy !req
674. Handle the balls.
Copy !req
675. Wait a second.
I'm happy about that too,
Copy !req
676. 'cause Provenza
got nigger luck,
Copy !req
677. And if he can get a show on tv,
Copy !req
678. I know I can get one
on television.
Copy !req
679. Thank you, guys,
for coming to play.
Copy !req
680. Roseanne barr!
Copy !req
681. Patrice oneal!
Copy !req
682. Sandra bernhardt!
Copy !req
683. Bob Saget!
Mwah!
Copy !req
684. - Oh, you guys
are shoving me...
Copy !req
685. - Come and hang out
with us again, all right?
Copy !req