The Grand Tour 5x2

1. Hello, viewers. You join us on a car ferry on the Baltic Sea,

2. just off the coast of Poland.

3. The reason we're here is because we're about to embark on a road trip

4. that no one's ever thought of doing.

5. The reason we're doing a road trip no one has ever thought of doing before is...

6. in these times, it's very difficult to do a road trip

7. that someone has thought of doing before.

8. Yeah, if you think about all the places

9. we've been to in recent years,

10. places that were stable when we were there,

11. that aren't anymore.

12. Mozambique.

13. Syria. Iraq. Burma.

14. Ukraine. Russia.

15. We couldn't go back to any of them.

16. Or, for different reasons, Argentina.

17. No. Or Turkey.

18. - Why can't we go to Turkey? - We're banned.

19. - Are we? - Yes.

20. But it's not just the places where we've been before,

21. that there is a problem.

22. No, absolutely right.

23. For this show, we thought we'd drive across the Sahara.

24. We can't - too much terrorism.

25. Then we said: "Let's follow in the footsteps of Lawrence of Arabia

26. and go across the Sinai." We can't.

27. Too much terrorism.

28. We wanted to go from Bangladesh to Mount Everest.

29. Can't.

30. Why couldn't we do that?

31. - You have to go through India. - Is that a problem?

32. - I'm banned from India. - Yes, he is. He is.

33. And anyway, it's because of all of that,

34. that we find ourselves here, on a ferry, in the Baltic Sea.

35. Yes, because we are about to undertake

36. a 1,400-mile drive

37. from - I've got the map here actually, I'll fish this one out -

38. from Gdańsk which is right up here on the Baltic, there,

39. and then we go all the way down here,

40. to Bled, in Slovenia.

41. Nobody's done that ever, Gdańsk to Bled.

42. Having decided to do a road trip nobody's ever done before,

43. Mr Wilman chimed in

44. and said: "OK, but you've got to do it in cars that nobody

45. has ever used to do a road trip before."

46. And on that front,

47. - I'm the winner. - You're so not.

48. I was first to disembark from the ferry.

49. In this.

50. A pickup truck.

51. With a folding roof.

52. Yeah, I know.

53. A convertible pick-up truck sounds like a bulletproof tea towel.

54. Why would you put those two things together?

55. But that's what this game is about.

56. Unique! Nobody's ever done this.

57. At this point,

58. Cruella de Vil arrived.

59. What...

60. This is the most inappropriate road trip car ever made.

61. I give you the Mitsuoka Le-Seyde.

62. It's the most

63. - inappropriate thing ever made. - No, you say that,

64. it's a work of genius.

65. Because what Mr Mitsuoka did

66. was he took the engine

67. from a 1990s Nissan Silvia, an ordinary 2-Door Japanese saloon car

68. and the gearbox

69. and the interior and all the electrics,

70. kept them as they were

71. and then fitted this flamboyant body.

72. What Mr Mitsuoka did, was he took

73. acid and this resulted.

74. - Mate, for one thing... - Yeah?

75. - Wheels. - Ah, yes.

76. The ones at the back are hiding

77. and you're steering the car in front of you.

78. - Yes. - Look at it.

79. That is a mechanical change, I admit.

80. These wheels are 3 feet in front of where they should be.

81. There are other things. Look at the horns.

82. Check them out. Want to hear them?

83. - Do they work? - Oh, yes.

84. - I don't think I do. - Ready?

85. They look like something on top of a train in America.

86. - Ready? - Yes.

87. That's it?

88. How many of these has he made?

89. - Several hundred. - Too many.

90. I think he made about 500 of them.

91. This was supposed to look like a Mercedes SSK.

92. And yet it really doesn't.

93. - This looks more like a Mercedes SSK. - I disagree with you.

94. That ship looks more like a Mercedes SSK.

95. - This, look... There was a tremendous... - Wrong.

96. - Can we move on to your car. - Utter brilliance, this.

97. - An SSR, I know what it is. - Yes, it is.

98. I've never driven one, to be honest.

99. - I don't think anybody has. - No, nobody did.

100. It was a convertible 2-seater pickup truck. Electric roof.

101. - The roof goes... - In there.

102. So it's not really a very good pickup truck.

103. It's not very good as a pickup truck, but it's very bad as a sportscar.

104. - Heavy? - Yes, about 2 tons.

105. - It's... - Yeah!

106. absolutely hideous, isn't it?

107. No worries, I love it.

108. We then speculated

109. on what James might be using.

110. - He hates being called slow guy. - I know.

111. I think he's going to be in something a bit snappy.

112. Something like...

113. a Lamborghini LP550 Balboni special, 2-wheel drive,

114. but fully race prepped.

115. Exactly.

116. It then turned out

117. that we were absolutely wrong.

118. I have no clue what that is.

119. - How far away is he? - That's a good question.

120. What is it?

121. Genuinely, I don't know what that is.

122. I've no idea.

123. Have you just come from the circus?

124. What is it, James? It says Crosley on it.

125. Sorry, but it's a very precious car

126. and it's raining. I've got to put the roof up

127. but it goes up like an MX5, it takes a couple of seconds.

128. You can do it on the move.

129. It's a 1947 Crosley CC convertible.

130. Like me to tell you about the history of the car? It's fascinating.

131. I've a feeling you're going to.

132. In the 1930s, there was a man in America

133. - called Powel Crosley Junior. - Mm-hmm.

134. He made his fortune out of domestic appliances.

135. He was the first person to build a fridge with shelves in the door.

136. Something we all take for granted now.

137. He looked around and saw that everyone was driving

138. massive cars and he thought

139. it was ridiculous, so he decided to use some of his fortune

140. to make small cars. He famously said:

141. "If you're crossing a river, you don't need a battleship."

142. He decided he'd sell his cars in his shops

143. alongside his domestic appliances. That's why

144. this car

145. is only 4 feet wide.

146. It has to go through the door of a shop.

147. Good thinking on the part of Mr Crosley.

148. - He was a genius. - However,

149. I have produced

150. larger and more attractive bogeys than this.

151. What is the motor?

152. It's a 4-cylinder 724cc engine, developing...

153. twenty-six and a half horsepower.

154. - Hold on, how old's this? - 1947.

155. It's 70-something years old,

156. - we've got to assume, 12... - 14.

157. - 14. - Max.

158. By now, a lot of those horses will have died.

159. Did you hear the words

160. 1,400-mile road trip?

161. Yeah.

162. If you're lucky, you've got 14hp.

163. What did you pay?

164. There's a bit of a story about that.

165. It was on a well-known car auction website

166. and I looked at it. It finished that evening

167. and bidding was at 400 pounds, so I bid 450 pounds,

168. then I went off and got some wine,

169. and came back later and it went up a bit

170. - and it was... - What did you pay?

171. - 11,000 pounds.

172. 11,000 pounds for that?

173. - I bought it when I was drunk. - You...

174. - I'll grant you that.

175. - Fair point. - So, hold on,

176. I got my entire Mitsuoka Le-Seyde

177. for only 11,500.

178. - That is a proper car.

179. Who pays 11,500 grand for an old Nissan

180. - in a bad frock? - How much was this?

181. Yes, absolutely. Exactly my point.

182. How much?

183. It was 18,500 pounds.

184. What?

185. I've always wanted one.

186. - It's a convertible pickup truck. - I know.

187. It's like a speed hump on a runway. It's completely useless.

188. - That's... - Come on, let's get going.

189. Ooh!

190. You don't suppose...

191. - I do suppose, yes. - Mr Wilman

192. - is being funny. - I've got to be honest,

193. that's more inappropriate than any of our cars.

194. That's designed to do a quarter of a mile.

195. That's a designer hot rod, isn't it?

196. - Look what it says. - Look.

197. That...

198. That is doom, isn't it? That is the end.

199. Would you want to drive a car that says "Titties 'n' beer"

200. - on the side? - I really wouldn't.

201. Now praying to God

202. that our own cars wouldn't let us down, we headed

203. for the port exit and the start of our mammoth journey.

204. Right. A 1,400-mile journey beginning now

205. from Gdańsk to Bled.

206. I've had a crash.

207. We've only done 20 feet.

208. When we were in Scandinavia,

209. you did at least a day before you had

210. - an accident. - Hang on.

211. Is this a bit of your car?

212. No, that's not from the car.

213. - What is this? - You've broken his barrier.

214. - You smashed his barrier. - You've broken his barrier.

215. - "Polizei"? - Call the police?

216. Naturally, we thought it best to scarper before the 5-0 arrived.

217. - It's hot. - But before we could do that,

218. James insisted on starting his windscreen wipers.

219. Are you ready?

220. What about that one?

221. It's like a face covered with a snare drum.

222. With James now able to see where he was going,

223. we left the second biggest Baltic port

224. and headed for Gdańsk itself,

225. famous throughout the world

226. as the birthplace of Lech Walesa's Solidarity movement,

227. a movement that helped bring down communism

228. and end the Cold War.

229. Here, events happened which reverberated throughout the communist world

230. and particularly

231. in Eastern Europe.

232. Having seen the news footage from that period,

233. we assumed the city centre would be all in black and white.

234. And a bit like Hull.

235. But by the time we got there, the sun had come out

236. and it wasn't like that at all.

237. That is amazing.

238. That is a very pretty town.

239. Morning, everybody. Look at this.

240. If I'd done this in a Nissan Silvia, nobody would be paying any attention.

241. But because it's got bits of Lliberace's bathroom

242. stuck on it, everyone's taking its picture

243. and is very happy.

244. People are smiling,

245. they're looking.

246. There is no doubt we are bringing joy.

247. You know when the fairground comes to your town,

248. you don't moan, do you? All your bikes get stolen,

249. but other than that it's good news. It's bright, it's fun.

250. Having helped

251. our colleague through an extremely narrow gap...

252. I reckon you're OK. You're alright. To me.

253. You're alright. Don't get carried away.

254. Very funny. Keep it up.

255. Go on. You're going to do it.

256. He did it! Well done!

257. We headed out of town...

258. and on to the motorway.

259. That is the determined sound of a Nissan 4 Pot.

260. And this was the even more determined sound

261. of the 75-year-old Crosley.

262. Holy shit, that's terrible.

263. James May, are you flat out?

264. Yes. 38 mph.

265. Oh!

266. Oh my God!

267. Errrr...

268. 39...

269. Errrr...

270. 39.

271. Oh, God, massive lorry up my chuff.

272. - No!

273. Argh!

274. Holy shit!

275. God, strewth,

276. that nearly rolled over.

277. Seeing that our colleague was clearly in peril,

278. we decided to leave him behind.

279. Bye, James.

280. Right, 1,400 miles to go, across 4 countries.

281. We're going to be behind what used to be

282. the Iron Curtain...

283. and what might still be the Iron Curtain by the time we finish.

284. Our first stop-off was at a racetrack a couple of hundred miles away

285. near the city of Poznan,

286. which meant we had plenty of time

287. to discuss our cars.

288. Jeremy, a question whilst we cruise.

289. Mm-hmm?

290. That thing's supposed to mimic the Mercedes SSK, yeah?

291. Yeah.

292. Wasn't a Mr A. Hitler a fan of a Mercedes SSK?

293. No, because the SSK was from the early 30s when Hitler was a corporal

294. and corporals couldn't have afforded an SSK.

295. It doesn't mean he wasn't a fan of it.

296. So you're driving a plastic, unconvincing replica

297. of a car Hitler loved.

298. No.

299. I'm just not.

300. Can you imagine what it's like in the Crosley?

301. Do you know, I don't think I actually can.

302. Brace for slipstream.

303. - Arghh!

304. This is madness.

305. 724cc. Where did he come up with that idea?

306. What was wrong with - I don't know - 1 litre?

307. Oh Jeez!

308. Many miles ahead, we'd left the motorway

309. and were driving through what the tour guides say

310. is Poland's second biggest wood.

311. Think about it, Hammond, in one day,

312. we've seen

313. Gdańsk, the second busiest port in the Baltic and now

314. we're in Poland's second biggest wood.

315. I know. It's amazing. I love second biggest or best.

316. Because first is easy, just make it bigger or better,

317. but second,

318. you can't be bigger than first, you've got to be better than third.

319. It requires precision.

320. It's best.

321. Having eventually emerged from the trees,

322. we arrived at the Poznan racetrack.

323. Mr Wilman has booked us in to take part in some local racing, which is great

324. because we're like ambassadors. This is a cultural exchange.

325. Without the culture or anything to exchange.

326. It was an impressive circuit.

327. With all mod cons.

328. But the real treat

329. was waiting for us in the pits.

330. - I know what these are. - Race cars?

331. They're Formula Easter.

332. - Just behind the Iron Curtain. - Exactly.

333. This is basically the Soviet Union's answer to Formula 1.

334. Running throughout the 70s and 80s,

335. when the Iron Curtain was very firmly drawn,

336. Formula Easter saw teams from Soviet bloc countries

337. race against each other.

338. With a lot of passion and bravery,

339. but very few resources.

340. Power came from tuned up 1.3 litre Lada engines.

341. The suspension from East German minivans.

342. The steering rack started life in Trabants.

343. The set of tyres had to last a whole season.

344. The Polish team was so hard up

345. that motor sport fan and fellow Pole

346. Pope John Paul II had to buy their helmets.

347. But despite this make-do and mend handicap,

348. Formula Easter provided an exciting distraction for people

349. who'd spent all week queueing for a loaf of bread.

350. I've always wanted to see these cars.

351. I've heard about them, you read about them.

352. All they had was a fuzzy photograph

353. taken in 1968,

354. at a European racetrack,

355. of a European racing car. A bit like that.

356. - "I want one of those." - Yeah, "I want one of those,

357. but I've only got a Lada engine."

358. It's great what human ingenuity can achieve, isn't it?

359. Determination.

360. I know what they did for shoes.

361. - You know boxing shoes? - Yeah.

362. They wore those.

363. They're a bit like racing shoes.

364. - They're really pretty cars. - They are so pretty.

365. That is fantastic.

366. - And safe.

367. look how the windscreen's held on this one.

368. - That is authentic. - Taped in place.

369. That's not coming off, unless it rains and then it's coming off.

370. Meanwhile...

371. many miles back, I too was in Poland's second biggest wood,

372. having left behind

373. the horror of the motorway.

374. Oh... This is so much nicer.

375. I've got to admit, there were a few times on the motorway

376. when I looked at "Titties 'n' Beer" in the mirror

377. and I thought: "Mmm."

378. Anyway, now we're on this road, a pleasant road,

379. I'm going to forget "Titties 'n' Beer", concentrate on the Crosley.

380. The ugly puppy, the runt of the litter that you should take home, remember.

381. However, just a mile later...

382. There's a man in a BMW trying to get past.

383. I'll try and make him some space. Jesus!

384. Get off.

385. Go on.

386. Go past.

387. Oh no, I'm going to cut out. I have. It's died.

388. Right.

389. Ah.

390. Back at the circuit,

391. Hammond and I had now chosen

392. which cars we'd be driving in the race.

393. Oh, yes.

394. Ah!

395. That is it.

396. My arse is that far out of the seat.

397. Oh dear.

398. - Is there a bigger one? - No.

399. This is the... So this is the biggest?

400. I won't be able to do it.

401. - You'll miss out on our day out. - What do you want me to do?

402. Be less fat.

403. It's quite easy.

404. - Obesity is an illness. - It's a big fat illness.

405. - A big fat heavy illness.

406. It's frustrating, you're ready to do things. You're primed.

407. You can't do them because you're so fat.

408. I'm sorry. You're quite sad.

409. - I am. - You're going to miss out.

410. You are being quite funny, but...

411. Oh God!

412. I can't get out.

413. Ah.

414. Oh dear.

415. the bodywork from you.

416. Can you help me get out?

417. They'll have to dismantle the car around him!

418. They're going to have to dismantle the car around you

419. to get you out.

420. They're peeling it off him like a diving suit.

421. It would have been easier to paint a racecar on him

422. and then wipe it off.

423. Thank you.

424. They've popped your dignity in the workshop, you can go and pick it up.

425. While Hammond and his competitors

426. got ready for qualifying,

427. I realised there was something useful I could do.

428. I've decided to appoint myself as team manager.

429. - Have you? - Yeah, I'm Toto Wolff.

430. The only thing

431. - that is slightly worrying me... - What?

432. James May. Qualifying is in 2 minutes. Is it 2 minutes?

433. - 2 minutes.

434. James May is still not here.

435. He needs to get a wriggle on or he won't be here for qualifying.

436. That's the rules, mate.

437. Be here on time and don't be too fat.

438. As it happened, the Crosley was now

439. up and running.

440. And I was not far

441. from the circuit.

442. Perfect gear change.

443. Oh, no. No, no, don't do it.

444. Back at the track,

445. qualifying had now begun.

446. Hey, hey!

447. He's on the outside.

448. As team manager, it was my job

449. to record my driver's lap times.

450. Here he comes.

451. 2.22. Oh, shit!

452. Wait. How do I...

453. How do I make the stopwatch?

454. How do... if you stop it,

455. How do... I needed another stopwatch.

456. Before I got the chance to tell Hammond

457. that I had no meaningful lap times,

458. James arrived.

459. Too late for qualifying, but still keen to have some kind of role.

460. So, as team boss, I gave him one.

461. They haven't got a medical car.

462. So if you can turn your car into an ambulance...

463. Wouldn't it make more sense to turn yours into the medical car?

464. Thought about that. Mine's only got 2 seats,

465. couldn't get a stretcher in it. Could get it in yours.

466. - Alright. - If you do that, it'd be brilliant.

467. Alright.

468. Happily, someone who wasn't an ape

469. had been keeping lap times

470. and it turned out that I'd qualified

471. in sixth place.

472. This is an amazing treat on our road trip that no one's ever thought of doing.

473. - Look who's here. - Hello, mate.

474. Have you done the car?

475. - You missed qualifying. - I know.

476. It's a shame, it's brilliant fun.

477. I was looking forward to a race.

478. Have fun.

479. - I will. - Could have been me.

480. Yeah, I know. You're missing it.

481. Because you're too fat.

482. He said he was too tall.

483. As the drivers prepared for the off,

484. I gave Hammond some final advice on strategy.

485. Thank you so much.

486. There he is!

487. He overtook someone.

488. Concentrate, Hammond. Don't crash.

489. Just have your own race.

490. I'll see if I can keep hold of fourth place.

491. Oh!

492. Oh no. Oh no.

493. What if he's in third or fifth next time he comes round?

494. - That's a good point. - Do I put a question mark then?

495. Come on. Keep going.

496. I'm a proper racing driver.

497. This is a fast one.

498. - Here he comes. - Is that him?

499. Oh shit!

500. I reckon I could do that one in 4.

501. Hammond continued on his merry way,

502. completely unaware that his leaking car

503. had turned the track into a skating rink.

504. Oh! Somebody's gone off.

505. Somebody else has gone off.

506. Sadly, his team boss was making a bit of a meal of warning him.

507. - Why "some kind of"? - We don't know what it is.

508. Just put "fluid".

509. Oh, bollocks.

510. - Is that him? - No.

511. Is that a red light?

512. Hammond's off. Hammond's off.

513. What?

514. - Hammond's off. - Shit.

515. Oh God.

516. Ahhh!

517. I'm alright. I hurt my leg,

518. I do need someone to come and get me.

519. James is on his way.

520. Who?

521. James. James is on his way.

522. Oh, come on.

523. Hang on.

524. Doesn't like hot starting.

525. There we go.

526. - Hang in there, Hammond. - Yes, I'm hanging in.

527. You're not dead.

528. No. In fact, I've got better.

529. Sadly, Hammond's spillage had caused so much carnage

530. that the rest of the racing was cancelled.

531. So, for the second time

532. since we arrived in Poland, we scarpered.

533. But not before I modified my car slightly.

534. I've painted my wheels green

535. to make them more racy, a bit more flamboyant.

536. Did it need increased flamboyance, your car?

537. I'm just enjoying my reflection in your chrome wheels.

538. You're enjoying looking at that?

539. It looks like a disaster with a Lego set.

540. Something I'd leave on the sitting room carpet when I was 8.

541. It was now late in the day.

542. We wanted to stop off and see Jesus before going to our hotel,

543. 90 miles away.

544. That wasn't going to be

545. much of a problem for Richard

546. with his 6-litre V8,

547. or me.

548. James though...

549. It's June 21, the longest day,

550. and for James May, it's going

551. - to feel like it.

552. Situation report.

553. The engine cooling temperature is rising.

554. It's not in the danger zone yet, but it's getting there.

555. - Oh God, it's truck time. No!

556. Arghhh!

557. Holy shit!

558. Untroubled by any issues at all,

559. we were now arriving in Jesus' garden.

560. God, it's enormous.

561. Jesus!

562. Does it do anything if you put 50p in?

563. I'll tell you what's funny.

564. I was just googling him.

565. He's the second tallest Jesus in the world.

566. - Brilliant. - One in Indonesia is taller.

567. That must be depressing. Did this one go up first?

568. It must have done. You wouldn't build the second biggest one.

569. You wouldn't say... I don't know, we're in Poland.

570. We've been in the second biggest wood, the second busiest port.

571. - Yep. - I tell you what else I found.

572. Until very recently, he had a cell tower on top of his head.

573. - And then there were some complaints. - Why?

574. Because people were watching strong pornography beamed to their phones

575. from Jesus' head.

576. Yeah.

577. That was a mistake, putting the internet on Jesus' head.

578. It's not dignified.

579. Also, there's a door in Jesus. Who knew that?

580. - Look. - Is that Jesus' back door?

581. The next time somebody surprises me

582. and I say: "Christ back door!"

583. - That's what you're talking... - That's what I'm talking about.

584. This is proper road trip stuff. This is what you do on a road trip.

585. It's exactly what you do on a road trip.

586. Unless, that is, you're in a 75-year-old Crosley.

587. With an overheating engine.

588. This is Richard Hammond's territory. He likes all this old stuff

589. from before the war and just after

590. and says: "It's one of only three." I'm not surprised!

591. I suspect the radiator's blocked.

592. Wow!

593. There's quite a lot of brownness coming out if you look underneath.

594. I was looking forward to seeing that big Jesus.

595. But all I could do now was concentrate

596. on getting to the hotel before I needed to use my antique headlamps.

597. Another 62 miles to go.

598. I'm getting appalling cramp in this leg, all the way up here.

599. My arse is completely numb.

600. God, let it end!

601. When I finally reached the overnight halt,

602. I was so shattered, I went straight to bed.

603. - He's gone to bed. - Yes.

604. Us two, however, having enjoyed

605. a much less stressful afternoon,

606. still had the energy to borrow some locals

607. and engage in a bit of booze-fueled japery.

608. Everybody get what you can get to lift.

609. - Grab and lift it. - Anything you can.

610. Three, two... Bloody hell, that wasn't difficult.

611. - That way. - Other way.

612. Back to there.

613. My back! Jesus!

614. - Ow, my back. And my fingers. - We should...

615. This could sound like a porn film if we weren't careful.

616. The next morning, James was displeased

617. to find his car was tucked hard against the wall in the hotel's restaurant.

618. Very funny, bell ends.

619. OK.

620. Ow!

621. Jesus.

622. This delay meant he was miles behind Richard and me.

623. Here's the plan for today.

624. Stop off at Stalag Luft III, where The Great Escape happened.

625. A spot of lunch and then a long drive to Krakow.

626. Ever since we decided to do this trip,

627. months ago, James May has been beside himself

628. with excitement about visiting Stalag Luft III.

629. He's even wearing a Great Escape T-shirt.

630. But now, at least he was on his way.

631. Sorry.

632. Bollocks.

633. and feeling very miserable.

634. It wasn't a terrible dream, I really am driving

635. a Crosley across Eastern Europe.

636. I'm already in top gear, this is it for an hour.

637. On the plus side, I wasn't on the terrifying motorway.

638. On the minus side,

639. everyone else wished I was.

640. I'm doing my best.

641. He's going for it. You must be mad.

642. No! Ah!

643. He's going.

644. - There he goes.

645. There's another one.

646. They're both going. Oh, my God!

647. Jeez!

648. I'm now responsible.

649. Far ahead, I too was having a bit of a drama.

650. Oh, Christ, that's not a wasp. What the hell is that?

651. It's absolutely gigantic.

652. - Get out! Get out!

653. I can see it from here. It's enormous!

654. It's incredibly big.

655. Get out.

656. After ejecting the poisonous hand glider,

657. I noticed that my car had a comfort feature

658. I somehow missed.

659. I've got an overdrive button!

660. Amazing news from the Le-Seyde, Hammond.

661. I've got overdrive.

662. Oh yeah!

663. Welcome to overdrive.

664. Overdrive!

665. In case you're wondering, overdrive

666. reduces the noise effectively when you're on a motorway.

667. It's kind of like another gear.

668. So I'm driving along now

669. at 60 mph

670. 3 and a bit thousand rpm.

671. I engage overdrive and we drop to 2,400 rpm.

672. It just makes it more economical and quieter.

673. That's Stalag Luft III.

674. One kilometre.

675. James is going to be genuinely heartbroken if he misses this.

676. Oh, God, you...

677. It's completely died.

678. What a piece of old crap.

679. To get out of everyone's way, I had to push

680. the Crosley into the roadworks up ahead.

681. Even though I was speaking to them in Italian for some reason...

682. - Kaput? - Si.

683. they lent me a multi-metre

684. so that I could take a battery reading.

685. Right.

686. Battery's obviously completely dead.

687. I don't know about the alternator output.

688. What a pile of shit.

689. As James struggled

690. with his drunken late-night purchase,

691. we were wandering around the actual site

692. where, in World War II, 80 prisoners

693. dug a 110-metre escape tunnel

694. from under the stove

695. in one of the huts.

696. It's a story that was immortalised

697. in one of the greatest films ever made.

698. The Great Escape.

699. - See you in Piccadilly. - Scott's bar.

700. Right.

701. Oh!

702. That's not the one is it?

703. - That stove there? - It probably is.

704. Yes, look, look, look.

705. That's where the tunnel went down

706. and then over to the trees.

707. And actual people actually dug a tunnel out of here.

708. - Charles Bronson. - No, I mean...

709. - Gordon Jackson. - No, real... they're actors, Jeremy.

710. Oh! Look at this.

711. These are the trollies for moving stuff along.

712. Look, that's the actual thing that Charles Bronson got stuck on.

713. That wasn't... That was... OK.

714. Here we go, look.

715. There's some pictures of the actual people.

716. James Garner, Steve McQueen,

717. - Donald Pleasance. - No, again, this is from...

718. Look, that's a real photograph taken with Dickie Attenborough.

719. We're going to have to sort out the blurring of fact and fiction there.

720. A lot of what was told in the movie happened

721. - but that wasn't it happening. - Look!

722. - Gordon Jackson and Dickie Attenborough. - They didn't film it on the day.

723. I thought it best to take Jeremy outside,

724. where we found the monument that marked the route of Harry,

725. the codename given to the escape tunnel.

726. - Bloody hell, it's miles! - Yeah.

727. Imagine crawling under here in a homemade tunnel. And this is sand.

728. Mmh.

729. At any moment...

730. Death. In one form or another.

731. Incredible.

732. We were then joined by a guide.

733. How deep was Harry?

734. It was actually between 8 and 9 metres,

735. - which is 30 feet. - Metres?

736. 9 metres, which is actually roughly the size of the tree.

737. Yeah!

738. - That's 30 feet. - Why that deep?

739. There was a reason.

740. The camp was called an escape-proof camp,

741. which means the Germans put underground microphones around the camp

742. to detect any kind of tunnel.

743. - So they had to go deeper than those. - Deeper than the microphones.

744. I'm staggered. I cannot believe

745. how long it is and I can't believe how deep it was.

746. We then started wondering

747. why they dug it because the prison camp

748. was actually more like a holiday camp.

749. - A swimming pool? - Yep. That's the one.

750. - No way I'd escape! - No, me neither.

751. - There was a proper hockey ring here. - What?

752. What?

753. There was a huge sports field right behind those trees.

754. And during the winter, they built a huge hockey ring.

755. They had a sports pitch, a swimming pool...

756. - A library. - A library.

757. - A theatre. - What?

758. A theatre.

759. Are you sure it wasn't people trying to tunnel in?

760. - Yeah.

761. The guide showed us what he meant by a theatre.

762. - Oh my God! - No!

763. 350 seats, orchestra, pits, stage, backstage...

764. - Was it built as a theatre? - Built as a theatre.

765. I thought you meant it would be a shed that they used as a theatre.

766. Like It Ain't Half Hot, Mum. God all bloody mighty!

767. If I'd been made to fight in the war,

768. I'd have got myself captured.

769. You know what they say, "We don't care how comfortable

770. camp will be, we'll still escape."

771. - It was their duty, they had to escape. - They did.

772. Having said our goodbyes...

773. Absolutely fascinating. Thank you for filling in the gaps.

774. - My pleasure. - It was really good.

775. we got back on the move.

776. That was incredible.

777. That was genuinely top 10 most interesting things I've ever seen,

778. places I've ever been.

779. It turns out road trips no one has ever thought of doing before

780. are worth having a go at, once you've thought of them.

781. And chosen the right car - which I have.

782. Ahhh!

783. Having missed the prisoner of war camp,

784. I had at least got the Crosley going again.

785. I was beginning to wonder why I bothered.

786. I did 300 miles yesterday.

787. The schedule for today calls for another 300 miles.

788. There's 1,100 miles still to go.

789. 4 times as far nearly as I've gone already,

790. with this noise. I don't think I can do it.

791. - Oh, God!

792. Up ahead,

793. over a simple Polish lunch,

794. Jeremy and I discussed

795. just how much James was messing up the trip.

796. You missed the Jesus, you missed the prison camp,

797. you missed breakfast. He's missed lunch.

798. He's going to miss all the good bits.

799. We haven't got somebody to talk to about because he wasn't part of it.

800. He can't join in with our conversation. That's no fun.

801. With Krakow more than 200 miles away,

802. we couldn't wait for James.

803. So we pressed on.

804. Resuming once more our new favorite topic of conversation.

805. Which Jag had an overdrive?

806. You could probably get one in a MK2 I think.

807. I know Triumph did because the Dolly Sprint had an overdrive.

808. Good afternoon.

809. What?

810. What?

811. James May, that's just cheating.

812. You can't just get in the backup car and tow your own car on a trailer.

813. Well, if you have a racehorse, say,

814. you don't ride it to Aintree, you put it in a horsebox.

815. If you have a valuable classic racing car, you take it

816. to the racetrack on a trailer.

817. That's what I'm doing. I'm taking my valuable car to the next event.

818. I don't want to be rude, old chap,

819. but you're making a complete hash of this.

820. The thing I'm most interested in is

821. how bad must the Crosley have been for you to get into a car

822. with "Titties 'n' Beer" written on the side of it?

823. Well, it's a very good point and I did give it a great deal of thought.

824. I've decided I can deal with it.

825. After a long drive, we eventually arrived in Krakow.

826. Which it turns out is one of Europe's absolute gems.

827. One of the most cultured places probably in the world.

828. Yeah.

829. I wouldn't want to arrive here in a car that says "Titties 'n' Beer".

830. That's for sure.

831. Art, music, architecture, titties and beer.

832. I'm aware of all this, thank you.

833. Please don't let that woman look round.

834. I'll pretend I'm scratching my face because I'm in deep thought.

835. We've always had quite a few fans

836. in Poland.

837. I was hoping that our popularity had faded.

838. Sadly however...

839. Hello.

840. Mercifully, we were soon able

841. to leave the cars because Jeremy was keen

842. to visit what he said was the best thing

843. in the world.

844. - Hello. Can we have 3 tickets? - Yes.

845. There we are. Lovely.

846. I've never been to a waxworks museum.

847. And what a way it was for Hammond to pop his waxwork cherry.

848. Oh, there's a...

849. James, that's really cruel. Stop it.

850. The people who run the place will be bloody hurt.

851. - OK, it's not funny. - No, it's not.

852. He is pushing out a whopper.

853. He is definitely shifting

854. a big sturdy breakfast.

855. Good lord!

856. I didn't know you could stand...

857. "I'd like ein Volk... Oh, I'm sorry, I've fallen over backwards."

858. Why is he leaning...

859. I've never seen him with his tie like that.

860. He was very smartly dressed as a general rule.

861. I think this has been willfully treated poorly.

862. I'm seeing brilliant things in Poland.

863. - What the bloody hell is that? - Good Lord!

864. We know what it is because we've got the helpful symbol on the wall.

865. Having seen all the pop icons,

866. we moved into what we assumed was a motoring area.

867. Is it you?

868. No, it's not.

869. It is, it's you.

870. - It's Sylvester Stallone. - I thought it was you.

871. Guess who it is.

872. Erm...

873. George Lazen... I don't know.

874. - Is it, bollocks!

875. Who the hell's that?

876. - Is that Keira Knightley? - I think it is.

877. That's not even an approximation of Keira.

878. I would love to see Keira Knightley standing next to that.

879. I'd like to see the real Keira Knightley walking around Krakow.

880. Nobody would ask for her autograph. They'd say: "That's not Keira Knightley.

881. It looks nothing like her."

882. After what may or not may have been the Doctor Who zone,

883. we entered an area of great mystery.

884. Spooky woods.

885. Some of the decoration is tremendous.

886. Everything is good, apart from the waxworks.

887. James May!

888. Ryan Reynolds?

889. - That's Paul Walker. - Oh.

890. In a room

891. containing what was probably Elvis Presley...

892. Oh, for heaven's sake!

893. Nigel Mansell. It isn't though, is it?

894. His mustache matches his eyebrows. It is.

895. Why have Nigel Mansell?

896. Why not Lewis Hamilton?

897. The reference is a bit out of date.

898. - Bless him, but... - Lando Norris.

899. George Russell.

900. I'm really annoyed about this.

901. It isn't that it's not very good, it's the wrong subject.

902. I then had a brainwave.

903. I'm going to steal it.

904. If we take him away, they'll be forced to replace it.

905. With Lewis Hamilton.

906. Let me put it this way.

907. We've got many miles to get to Slovenia and you're driving a terrible car.

908. - If we had this with us... - Yeah?

909. It'd cheer us up.

910. - It would cheer us up. - Every time you're feeling low,

911. sometimes Titties 'n' Beer was being a bit badly behaved,

912. you'd just have to look in your rear wing mirror

913. and there in my passenger seat...

914. Is someone who looks a bit like Nigel Mansell.

915. Right.

916. - We're off to... - No, wait.

917. - If we all... - He's doing the talk.

918. Do the Birmingham accent. You're from Birmingham.

919. "I've had enough of this. Let's have a drive outside."

920. Alright, Nigel, we'll take you out.

921. "Thanks for bringing me with you, lads.

922. I really enjoyed the look around the museum.

923. Just what I wanted to see.

924. That one in London, it's not as good as this, is it?

925. I'm doing some racing this afternoon. I'm dressed and ready.

926. Mind my 'ead on this beam. Oh, bugger, I knocked it.

927. I'll see you later, Paul Walker, mate."

928. - Keep going!

929. "Oh, I hate Harry Potter.

930. Absolute bollocks.

931. Oh, look, lads, wait for us, I'm coming."

932. - Guys. - We can get out this way.

933. Come, come.

934. "That, lads, was an amazing visit. Thanks for bringing us with yer."

935. - Oh. Oh.

936. This is probably somebody's house.

937. It's possible. They may be a bit surprised

938. to find us three and Nigel Mansell in it.

939. That night, we stayed in Krakow,

940. which meant I had time to exact some revenge

941. on my colleagues

942. for putting my car in a restaurant.

943. Ready? OK.

944. - Lovely. - Where are we going?

945. Across the road. Across the road.

946. Lovely. Well done. Thank you.

947. Perfect.

948. Through the garden.

949. The next morning, I retrieved the Crosley

950. from where Hammond and Clarkson had left it this time...

951. and then waited for their reaction to what I'd done.

952. How am I going to drive like this?

953. What's? Oh!

954. You think you've got problems?

955. Morning.

956. I know, yes. Morning. Morning.

957. Is that coming from your car?

958. I think it's when I brake.

959. Yes, it's the brake bell.

960. A good safety feature.

961. James May!

962. - You wired my horn into my indicator,

963. you bastard!

964. Oh, brilliant!

965. When I put my foot down, I hear bagpipes.

966. Like my candelabras, Nigel?

967. "I like them, I've a couple in me bathroom."

968. Soon, we were on the motorway,

969. heading for our next country,

970. Slovakia.

971. Straight away, I noticed two things.

972. Nigel Mansell's face was starting to melt.

973. Oh, dear.

974. And two...

975. James, you've forgotten your Crosley.

976. It's not on the back of your Titties 'n' Beer car.

977. Exactly.

978. I've attached the trailer to the crew van.

979. What?

980. The combination of the hot rod and that long trailer

981. with the bouncy little car on is absolutely lethal.

982. I'm driving the back-up car.

983. The back-up car is here for this eventuality.

984. The back-up car is if your original car

985. explodes. It's not because you don't like it.

986. You can't rewrite the rules as you go along, to suit you.

987. Well, I have, as it happens.

988. To be honest, even without a trailer attached,

989. my hot rod experience was not improving.

990. Where shall I start?

991. The throttle pedal is actually buried in the door,

992. so I have to drive it without my right shoe on.

993. But the pedal is razor sharp and it's digging into my foot.

994. It's now going numb.

995. It's got a shirt button for its steering wheel.

996. It pulls violently to the right under braking.

997. It's baking hot, it's noisy

998. and it's not even a proper hot rod.

999. It's got a crappy, old straight 6 Jag engine.

1000. It's supposed to have a big V8 motor.

1001. Still, unlike the Crosley,

1002. at least it wasn't breaking down all the time.

1003. Oh, bollocks.

1004. We need to stop.

1005. What?

1006. It's steam. It's hot, hot, hot.

1007. It smells hot.

1008. There you go.

1009. - You know this engine. - I know this engine very well.

1010. They cook the head.

1011. - James? - Yes?

1012. You've bollocked the job.

1013. It's not over. Let's just have a bit of a think about it.

1014. I've had a bit of a think.

1015. What I'm thinking is that we've got a good restaurant booked for lunch.

1016. Yeah.

1017. We're not going to get there if we stand here looking at this while it cools down.

1018. With that decided...

1019. - Good luck and everything. - Good luck.

1020. Hammond and I got back on the road.

1021. I honestly don't know what happens now.

1022. Nobody's ever broken the back-up car before.

1023. I think we should get Nigel Mansell to drive it.

1024. What do you think, Nigel?

1025. "I like it actually.

1026. I think it's quite funny having Titties 'n' Beer

1027. written on the side of a Ford with a Jag engine in it.

1028. Oh!"

1029. Disengaging overdrive.

1030. Oh God!

1031. Richard, Nigel and I waved a fond farewell to Poland

1032. and crossed over the border into Slovakia.

1033. Oh!

1034. A break for a wee. There it is.

1035. Jesus! This is a piece of junk.

1036. Hello.

1037. God, it's a woman.

1038. Thank you so much. I'm sorry about the car.

1039. I'm either in an offensive hot rod with Titties 'n' Beer written on the side

1040. or I'm holding everybody up in the Crosley.

1041. I've never screwed up a film shoot like I have this one.

1042. Half a country away,

1043. Richard and I were starting to feel sorry for James.

1044. So, like the good friends we are,

1045. we hatched a plan to cheer him up.

1046. Here he comes.

1047. He's got no bonnet. That's his cooling solution.

1048. - He's suffered. - I think he has.

1049. - May. - Hello.

1050. Listen, we can see that you're hot

1051. and bothered and you've missed another lunch...

1052. - Yeah. - But don't worry, because...

1053. we've organised a treat for you.

1054. - Some old aeroplanes to look at. - Yes.

1055. Look at that. A MIG.

1056. Sus, Hind helicopters.

1057. - That's not the treat though. - No, it's better.

1058. - Much better. - Better than any of these.

1059. We've arranged a drag race for your Crosley.

1060. - Sorry, is it a joke? - No.

1061. It will become clear when you meet the competitors.

1062. - Follow us. - See who you're up against.

1063. James, drag race rival number 1.

1064. A Tatra tipper truck.

1065. Good lorry this. But heavy. 18 and a half tons.

1066. Rival number 2: a JCB tractor.

1067. - This is 12 and a half tons. - Power?

1068. Pfff...

1069. It's irrelevant, it's the weight and it's not geared for acceleration.

1070. It's a tractor. Then we have this, a Velorex 3-wheeler.

1071. Built in the early 60s in what was then the Soviet Union, for disabled people.

1072. - 400hp. - No, 12.

1073. And then,

1074. your final rival in this drag race.

1075. You're racing a man.

1076. He's called Martin.

1077. Could you look cheerful about what we've done?

1078. This'll put a spring back in your step.

1079. This is a drag race that you can win in your Crosley.

1080. I'm excited.

1081. He's lucky to have friends like us.

1082. Trzy, dwa, jeden!

1083. - They're off. - They're off.

1084. Why am I doing this?

1085. The vehicle for disabled people made in the Soviet Union

1086. in the early 60s is taking the lead.

1087. Come on.

1088. The JCB is getting well away.

1089. Look at the man!

1090. Jesus, come on car, you can do it.

1091. Here comes the 3-wheeler.

1092. Can James beat the man?

1093. Come on.

1094. You bastard!

1095. - No, he cannot. - No, he hasn't.

1096. That's not the confidence boost we wanted it to be.

1097. Get your face right.

1098. Mate.

1099. That's a bit rude.

1100. He didn't look as happy as we were hoping.

1101. - It didn't put a spring in his step. - No.

1102. That night, to thank them

1103. for the drag race, I did more things

1104. to their cars,

1105. which became apparent first thing the next morning.

1106. Som impotentný.

1107. Som impotentný.

1108. - What? - Som impotentný.

1109. - Som impotentný. - Is it coming from me?

1110. Look at his face.

1111. - James? - What's that saying?

1112. That's for you to find out.

1113. Hang on, Hammond. Is anyone Slovakian?

1114. - Yeah. - Can we borrow you?

1115. Sure.

1116. - This chap's Slovakian. - Hello? What is this saying?

1117. Som impotentný.

1118. Som impotentný.

1119. Oh. I'm impotent.

1120. - Important? - "Impotent." Let me...

1121. Let me translate it.

1122. - Impotent! - Yes.

1123. - What? - "I'm impotent."

1124. James May, you are sick!

1125. Still, it could be worse.

1126. Got to be honest,

1127. I'm not going to tell James May, but I quite like his work.

1128. It gives a good Cruella vibe.

1129. We could have pressed on south at this point,

1130. but we decided

1131. to hang around in Slovakia for a little while longer,

1132. for a very good reason.

1133. Today, the Audi Q7 is made in Slovakia.

1134. So is the Q8.

1135. So is the VW Touareg, the Porsche Cayenne,

1136. the Porsche Cayenne coupé,

1137. the Land Rover Defender, the Land Rover Discovery,

1138. the Peugeot 208 and the VW Up.

1139. They make more cars per head of population in Slovakia

1140. than any other country in the world.

1141. Car-making has always been in the blood in this part of Europe.

1142. In pre-Soviet times,

1143. Tatra were engineering demi-gods

1144. and they were even better at aerodynamics.

1145. Even under the stranglehold of communism,

1146. Skoda turned out handsome sportscars

1147. and rally weapons that could meet and beat

1148. their well-funded rivals from the west.

1149. And that was just the stuff we knew about.

1150. In 1957, when communism in Czechoslovakia

1151. was at its sootiest and most monochromatic,

1152. a small band of engineers at Skoda,

1153. only about half a dozen of them,

1154. decided to build a car that could race at Le Mans.

1155. And this is it.

1156. Although it was designed as a racing machine,

1157. it was so tightly packaged that the bonnet had a little dimple

1158. to accommodate the offset cylinder head.

1159. It is, nevertheless, a thing of exquisite beauty.

1160. It may only have

1161. 1100cc, and it may only produce 91hp,

1162. but the whole car only weighs 580 kilos.

1163. And at a top speed of 124 mph,

1164. in a car that's no bigger than my bath.

1165. It revs to 8,500 rpm.

1166. It even handles properly.

1167. The engine is at the front,

1168. but the gearbox is at the back.

1169. Perfect weight distribution.

1170. Well, it did before I got in. That's changed everything a bit.

1171. I keep thinking the steering wheel is going to snap.

1172. Look.

1173. That doesn't fill me with confidence, but we'll gloss over it.

1174. This is the very definition of a sports car.

1175. This is what Ferrari should be making today

1176. and Maserati and Alfa Romeo. Very small,

1177. very light, very fast. An agile, frantic little car.

1178. I love it. I absolutely love it.

1179. Sadly, by the time the car was finished,

1180. the Cold War had become so frigid

1181. that it never went to Le Mans.

1182. Only 2 were ever built.

1183. At this point, I was going to let Captain Miserable have a go in it.

1184. But then I realised that actually

1185. he was better suited to this.

1186. Built by another Czech carmaker, Praga,

1187. it's called the Bohema.

1188. It weighs less than a ton, so it's race-car light

1189. and it's propelled by a Nissan GT-R engine

1190. uprated to produce 720hp.

1191. That means it will reach 190 mph

1192. and go from 0 to 60

1193. in less than 3 seconds.

1194. This thing has got James May written all over it.

1195. Holy crap!

1196. Ah!

1197. Oh my God!

1198. It has incredible steering. It doesn't have a wheel, it has a yoke.

1199. Even on a fairly tight circuit,

1200. I never need to move my hand

1201. to that quarter to 3 position.

1202. It obviously has enormous acceleration.

1203. They haven't gone for top speed,

1204. but low weight and agility.

1205. It definitely has that.

1206. It's wonderful. Just wonderful.

1207. A million quid. A million of your pounds.

1208. It does look good though.

1209. It's a difficult path to tread. It's gotta look childish and silly...

1210. - Yes. - It is.

1211. But it looks accomplished and finished.

1212. The Czechs were always good at this sort of thing.

1213. They just had to put up with a slight interruption:

1214. WW2, getting bombed and then having to live under the Soviets.

1215. - What's that? - Is that the door?

1216. - That is the door. - It's a hatch.

1217. You're right.

1218. I must say this is an impressive piece of engineering from the Czechs,

1219. but the Slovakians have now gone one better.

1220. - It's flying. - It is.

1221. I've never actually seen that.

1222. This is the AirCar. The first flying car ever

1223. to fly between 2 airports rather than just landing

1224. immediately back where it started.

1225. It can whizz through the air 8,000 feet up at 120 mph

1226. and its maker, Stefan Klein,

1227. reckons he will be able to put it on sale in a year.

1228. yes!

1229. Voice of experienced cameraman.

1230. Wow!

1231. That car has landed.

1232. Very rarely am I lost for words, but I'm lost for words.

1233. Honestly, they've always said ever since we were kids:

1234. "There'll be flying cars one day." No, there won't!

1235. The important thing to point out is that's not just a flying car,

1236. it did drive here.

1237. - It arrived by road. - Yes!

1238. - It drove down the motorway. - And then became an aeroplane.

1239. - "I wasn't impressed." - "I don't agree with a flying car."

1240. - "I don't like it all." - "We don't need both."

1241. Look at his face.

1242. Oh dear, don't tell him.

1243. We then continued with our road trip

1244. that no one had thought of doing before...

1245. Heading south towards Hungary...

1246. with James moaning away

1247. like Nigel Mansell in the good old days.

1248. The steering wheel's still too small.

1249. The throttle pedal is still in the floor and too high off the ground,

1250. the brake's still pulling to the right.

1251. Hammond is: "I've got sunburn."

1252. And Jeremy's saying: "I'm not sure my A/C is working properly."

1253. They've no idea.

1254. Once inside Hungary, we received word from Mr Wilman

1255. that we should report here.

1256. This looks grass-track racing to me.

1257. God, it's sticky.

1258. It's a country fair. We'll be made to do Morris dancing.

1259. I got a text from Mr Wilman.

1260. What does he say?

1261. I need my glasses, hang on.

1262. We're judging the terrier racing.

1263. "You are going to race in turn around the track I've set up."

1264. - That's it. - Yeah.

1265. "The winner is the one who is shot the least amount of times."

1266. - What? - "Shot."

1267. Shot with what?

1268. Hungary is famous for the Rubik's Cube

1269. and goulash.

1270. Everyone knows that.

1271. What everyone doesn't know,

1272. is that this country also produces the world's best archers.

1273. And we'd arrived at an archery academy,

1274. run by this chap.

1275. It doesn't feel that sharp.

1276. Would this go in to the car?

1277. It might do.

1278. There was only one way to find out.

1279. Find a volunteer

1280. and do our own test.

1281. "I gather you've got a job for us.

1282. Here I am. Ready for duty."

1283. - Right. - Move your arm, Nigel.

1284. "I'll stick it in me lap. No funny business."

1285. Right, here we go.

1286. You're going to fire...

1287. I'm just saying I don't think an arrow will go through that.

1288. - But if they miss this... - Exactly.

1289. - We'll be there. - I know.

1290. OK.

1291. What if it bounces back and gets me in the eye?

1292. - Oh! - Oh my Lord!

1293. - And that was you doing it. - That was a bit worrying.

1294. Oh shit!

1295. [Richard, with an accent] "Oh, lads, I've got an arrow in me 'ead."

1296. They're pretty good.

1297. The point I'm trying to make

1298. is that James May, at a range of 20 feet, missed the target. Right?

1299. - And that was a stationary target. - Yes, but...

1300. We're going to be driving along.

1301. To make things worse,

1302. another text then arrived from Mr Wilman.

1303. "The archers will be shooting at you

1304. whilst riding horses."

1305. We'll be moving as the target, but they'll be moving

1306. - themselves on horses. - Yes.

1307. On an animal which is scared by paper bags, wind, rain, sunshine,

1308. gravel, door knobs,

1309. - crisp packets... - Dogs.

1310. You're riding along, "I'm just lined up on the target",

1311. and the horse sneezes or bucks or does something.

1312. - Arrow in your face. - Well, look.

1313. I know.

1314. I'm well aware of it.

1315. Up at Mr Wilman's track,

1316. things had gone a bit Game of Thrones-ish.

1317. After a long discussion between Hammond and I,

1318. it was decided that James should go first.

1319. In 3, 2, 1, begin!

1320. James' tactic was to go slowly.

1321. Because he had no choice.

1322. Here comes a horseman.

1323. - Ah!

1324. I heard that.

1325. - Argh!

1326. And that.

1327. - God, that is proper sca—

1328. - Argh! Argh!

1329. - Argh! Argh!

1330. Argh!

1331. Stop!

1332. James May has become a porcupine.

1333. Argh!

1334. Oh, God, let me go across the line.

1335. Oh!

1336. Oh dear!

1337. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

1338. - 6. - 6.

1339. 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

1340. Your score, James May, is 14 and you are alive.

1341. Hammond was up next.

1342. 3, 2, 1, goodbye.

1343. Unlike James, he had a choice of speeds.

1344. Ow!

1345. He's making dust. He's hoping he'll be invisible

1346. in his dust cloud.

1347. Oh my God! That's firing straight at—

1348. God above!

1349. Didn't like that.

1350. Although some arrows found their mark...

1351. Hammond's speed and power did seem to work.

1352. Only 1 on this side. Bit disappointing.

1353. - It broke though. - It broke.

1354. He's only got 7.

1355. 4, 5, 6, 7.

1356. But then...

1357. Ah! Wait a minute.

1358. Wait a minute. One of your targets fell off.

1359. - What was it? 7? - Plus those 3. 10.

1360. You dropped a target before the end so he gets a penalty of 4,

1361. which means 14, so its neck and neck.

1362. Are these the international regulations for this?

1363. You can't just randomly give me...

1364. - "I agree as well." - There you go. 3 to 1.

1365. You can't bring Nigel in to this.

1366. He just has.

1367. So that's 14, 14. 14 to beat.

1368. - J. Clarkson, are you ready? - Not happy, but ready.

1369. 3, 2, 1, go!

1370. Perhaps because they were distracted by the sheer beauty of my car,

1371. Ouch! Christ!

1372. the archers fired more arrows at the bodywork

1373. than the targets.

1374. In the windscreen.

1375. Make it end!

1376. Although this would guarantee

1377. a winning score,

1378. team Le-Seyde

1379. paid a heavy price.

1380. Nigel Mansell's head has come off.

1381. [Richard, with an accent] "Now look what you've done."

1382. "I've been shot in the cheek with an arrow.

1383. And now me 'ead's come off."

1384. - Can we add up your hits? - 1, 2,

1385. 3,

1386. 6.

1387. You've won.

1388. I've lived. Nigel has been decapitated.

1389. And my candelabra is in tatters.

1390. And that is a sentence nobody's ever said before.

1391. The next morning, we all turned off our phones

1392. so Mr Wilman couldn't text us anymore

1393. and headed for our final country.

1394. Slovenia.

1395. OK, I've repaired my chandeliers,

1396. but most importantly,

1397. I've surgically reattached Nigel's head.

1398. "You lads have a life, you do. I'll tell you that for nothing."

1399. Meanwhile, James in the hot rod again,

1400. was back in moan mode.

1401. God, I hate it!

1402. It's noisy, it's ugly,

1403. it smells,

1404. I've offended women everywhere.

1405. I'm going to say

1406. and it's a big field of competitors,

1407. this is the worst car I've ever driven on TV.

1408. Actually in my life.

1409. It's not even fast.

1410. The biggest number I've seen on that speedo

1411. is 70 and I know that's only about 64.

1412. That's it.

1413. Soon, we entered Slovenia, where we were immediately distracted

1414. by the scenery.

1415. Jesus! That is spectacular.

1416. Holy cow!

1417. Soon we realised that these mountains weren't just beautiful.

1418. They could be useful too.

1419. Useful in helping us find out if James' hot rod

1420. was as slow as he claimed.

1421. How fast have you managed to make the hot rod go while you were driving it?

1422. - Maybe 65 miles an hour. - 65. OK.

1423. Let's see now what it can achieve in the hands of a master.

1424. Here he comes now.

1425. "Let's see the dog getting the rabbit. What's going on here?

1426. "There's only one fellow for this job, me, with an arrow in me face.

1427. Ready to go.

1428. Now you've got a world champion in what you've got here."

1429. Nigel, you've got your straight six. But to give you a bit more oomph,

1430. we've added some extra gravity.

1431. 65 mph to beat on one run. There's a speed readout over there,

1432. which is connected to a speed trap.

1433. "I'll blow the doors off the speed reader.

1434. Watch this car control."

1435. - You ready, Nige? - "Ready."

1436. 3, 2, 1, go!

1437. - he's under way. - So long, lads!

1438. - Nigel! - Keep right!

1439. Even though the impact

1440. had knocked all of Nigel's hair out,

1441. he managed to regain control.

1442. And he smashed James' speed record.

1443. But sadly, the hot rod was a write-off.

1444. I haven't seen a car this damaged since James drove in to a tunnel.

1445. - Well, that is... - It's pretty bent.

1446. Nigel, you did 89.14 mph. 25 mph faster than I've ever been.

1447. "I don't care. I am resigning.

1448. I hate this gig, it's uncomfy. There's no dignity in this."

1449. He's only been working with us for about 3 days.

1450. People will say: "Remember when Mansell was with... He didn't last long."

1451. We'd better apologise to the owners of the ski resort.

1452. - Sorry about that. - Sorry.

1453. - Sorry. - Sorry.

1454. We got back on the road, a little sad that Nigel had quit.

1455. On the plus side,

1456. we were now just 60 miles from the finish line at Lake Bled.

1457. And our colleague

1458. was smiling again.

1459. Hello again, old chum.

1460. Very, very nice to be back with you.

1461. I hope I didn't say anything bad about you. If I did, I didn't mean it.

1462. - Oh!

1463. Hang on.

1464. Don't stop.

1465. Sensing the little scamp was up to its old tricks,

1466. Jeremy and I took our leave.

1467. Crosley's splashing. There it is.

1468. Bye.

1469. I'm very, very keen to get to Lake Bled before it gets dark,

1470. because I've heard it's unbelievably beautiful

1471. and given what we've seen today,

1472. standards are high to start with.

1473. We ate up the miles on silk smooth roads,

1474. drinking in the "Sound of Music" backdrop.

1475. As the sun was setting,

1476. we finally reached our destination.

1477. Oh my Lord!

1478. - That delivers. - Does it ever.

1479. If you painted that as a scene, and presented it to someone,

1480. they'd say: "You've overdone it."

1481. "You can't have 2 churches, one on an island and one there

1482. and a castle on a rock. Nowhere in the world looks like that."

1483. It's fabulous.

1484. I love the colour of melted glacier water.

1485. That is beautiful, beautiful scenery.

1486. We could wait here for James

1487. or we could go and find a bar or a restaurant.

1488. With a view...

1489. That looks at that and have a cheeky beer.

1490. I favour that option, because as a team,

1491. 66.6% of us will have enjoyed a beer while looking at that.

1492. Sadly, Captain Slowly

1493. didn't arrive until after it had gone dark.

1494. So it ate half a pig, but it only had 3 legs.

1495. - So it... - Mate!

1496. - Evening. - We all made it!

1497. Welcome. Nice to see you.

1498. - You're here. - I am.

1499. You've done a job. We've done a thing.

1500. We've done well. Conquered it.

1501. The only drawback is, sorry to have to tell you,

1502. that view, Lake Bled - isn't it, Hammond? - is unbelievable.

1503. "View" doesn't cover it. It's like a feast...

1504. He said his eyes have indigestion.

1505. They couldn't consume any more of it.

1506. I love a lake, but nothing rivals this. It's a shame you missed it.

1507. - I'll see it in the morning. - Ah!

1508. Mmh. A bit of a problem with that.

1509. - We've had a text. - Mr Wilman?

1510. Yes.

1511. The plane leaves tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock.

1512. But it's about, in your car, two and a half hours away.

1513. You need to leave a good hour when you check-in.

1514. - So... - We've worked this out.

1515. Have you?

1516. - There's no more view to look at. - You have to leave at half past four.

1517. - Really? - This is where it gets unfortunate.

1518. - You've missed it this evening. - Yes.

1519. - Because it's dark. - Yes.

1520. But you'll miss it in the morning, it's even more dark.

1521. So I'm going to go to bed.

1522. That's a shame again because we had a delicious

1523. - spaghetti bolognese. - That's fine. See you in the morning.

1524. See you...

1525. - See you at the airport. - It'll be dark.

1526. I want to remind myself of this before we go.

1527. The next morning, I was on my way before the sun came up.

1528. Come on, metal bastard. I've even got my Crosley T-shirt on.

1529. Let's go.

1530. I'd actually got up earlier than I needed to.

1531. Because I wanted to leave

1532. a present for the Smug Brothers who'd seen everything on this trip

1533. while I'd seen nothing.

1534. That has got to be May.

1535. That is next level!

1536. That is really...

1537. Oh!

1538. Oh, he's done me.

1539. - What? - He's done me as well.

1540. Oh... he is evil.

1541. He's also an idiot. I've got 2 spares on my front wings.

1542. I'll have a wheel. It's a pickup. There's bound to be one.

1543. Dammit!

1544. These are fake. There are no wheels in them.

1545. What, your wheel things?

1546. Like your manifolds, there's no wheels in it.

1547. Where's your spare?

1548. I haven't got one.

1549. Where's he bloody put them?

1550. We haven't got time for this.

1551. Then, we found them.

1552. Oh!

1553. Oh, my God!

1554. Worst still, powered craft are banned on Lake Bled,

1555. so to get our wheels back we'd have to commandeer a rowing boat.

1556. Oh hell!

1557. This is like Swallows and Amazons, only crap.

1558. Right.

1559. I'm facing the wrong way.

1560. - I need directions, Hammond. - Er, yes.

1561. Right hand down. I don't know, I'm facing the other way.

1562. - Left hand down a bit. - What?

1563. Welcome back.

1564. I think I'm going to make it, if nothing goes wrong

1565. with the fine car.

1566. I am, I wish to remind you, in the lead.

1567. 724cc, 75 years old

1568. and here I am... winning.

1569. Bullshit! I've gone in the swimming area.

1570. Having offloaded Hammond into the other boat,

1571. we eventually reached the dock with our wheels.

1572. - We've wasted 45 minutes. - I'm aware of that.

1573. No, don't... I can't hold it at an angle.

1574. Breaking, buffeting, weaving...

1575. Thank you.

1576. What a fine car this is, this fine car.

1577. Luckily for us, wheels float,

1578. so, after a bit more faff...

1579. Go!

1580. we were finally on the road.

1581. Bagpipes,

1582. serious speed is called for. 6 litres of V8,

1583. that'll get me there.

1584. Job 1: catch James May

1585. and run him off the road. Job 2: catch the plane.

1586. Temperature is constant, all pressure is good.

1587. This car has only one remaining job.

1588. With as many years on it, it just has to get me to the airport. That is all.

1589. Listen to that.

1590. - Crisp power.

1591. Yes!

1592. Right. I'm on the hunt.

1593. Up ahead,

1594. I was now facing the Crosely's number 1 enemy:

1595. a hill.

1596. Oh, God!

1597. I'm down to 15 mph.

1598. Come on!

1599. Roll it in.

1600. Hauling him in through the corners.

1601. Ha! Look what I've found.

1602. Come on!

1603. Sorry, mate. Gotta be done.

1604. There we are. James May missed Jesus,

1605. he missed the POW camp,

1606. every single lunch and dinner on the entire road trip

1607. and now he's going to miss the plane.

1608. And a mile or so later...

1609. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

1610. I've got the oil light on, temperature light on,

1611. every light is on.

1612. I'm overheating.

1613. I'm sorry?

1614. I've got all sorts of lights coming on. I'll have to stop.

1615. Oh, dear.

1616. And then there was one.

1617. Oh!

1618. Having a spot of bother?

1619. Oh!

1620. Shouldn't rejoice, but hahaha!

1621. Oh, God!

1622. I think the problem is... I don't think, I know what the problem is.

1623. The electric fan hasn't been running.

1624. As it turned out, the airport was just a couple of miles

1625. from where Hammond had broken down.

1626. Here it is. Aerodrome.

1627. I'll have their lunch, their drinks and then stretch out across their seats.

1628. However, Mr Wilman's plane was not what I was expecting.

1629. That is... Jesus!

1630. And clearly, it was already taxiing.

1631. Shit!

1632. Look, the ramp's down.

1633. The ramp is down. The ramp is down!

1634. A lot of jet wash.

1635. Lots of jet wash.

1636. I'm on!

1637. I'm off again.

1638. Go for second.

1639. Come on!

1640. Back wheels.

1641. Jesus!

1642. Jeez!

1643. Holy shit! Are you kidding?

1644. Come on, car. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

1645. Go on!

1646. Argh!

1647. It's getting away.

1648. Coming through!

1649. Aha!

1650. You bastard!

1651. That was a bit late.

1652. I've got to do it this time.

1653. No, windscreen wipers. For God's sake!

1654. Here he comes.

1655. Here he comes.

1656. I can't do it.

1657. Shoot me! Shoot me, Hammond!

1658. Come on!

1659. Here I come.

1660. Yeah!

1661. Dead?

1662. It won't start.

1663. Come on in, James.

1664. - It won't go. - We can't take off like that.

1665. Argh!

1666. Ooh!

1667. Oh, Jesus. Come on, car, you can do it.

1668. Come on, James!

1669. It's a good job the runway is 26 miles long.

1670. I'm pleased about that.

1671. It's longer than that one in Fast and Furious.

1672. Much longer!

1673. Buffeting. Buffeting.

1674. Argh!

1675. Yes!

1676. Oh, my Lord!

1677. Wow.

1678. - James May caught the plane! - Welcome aboard!

1679. Thank you.

1680. - We did it! - We all did it!

1681. - We did a thing. - That was extraordinary.

1682. Err...

1683. Oh, God, I know what...

1684. We've just driven on to an airplane that just landed.

1685. - I've got a text. - What?

1686. - It's from Mr Wilman. - Mmh-mmh.

1687. It says: "Do you want coffees? I'm at the BA check-in."

1688. - It's in there, isn't it? - There.

1689. So everything we just did was nothing to do with this trip?

1690. No, it wasn't.

1691. And on that terrible disappointment,

1692. it's time to end. Thank you so much for watching.

1693. See you next time.

1694. - Somebody's going to be cross. - Yeah.