The Grand Tour 5x1

1. Hello, and welcome to the top of Norway,

2. and specifically, the third most northerly football pitch

3. in the entire world.

4. How far north are we?

5. Really far. We're 127 miles north of the Arctic Circle.

6. And we're further north than anywhere in Iceland.

7. And this isn't just a football pitch as in just a field.

8. This is quite proper, isn't it?

9. - No, it is. - Who do they play?

10. The North Sea Oil Eleven, The Oil Rig Eleven.

11. - I don't know. The Trawlermen Eleven. - Probably whoever passes!

12. There's no other villages.

13. - Anyway... - See you tomorrow.

14. - You go and get the ball. - I'll go get the ball.

15. Because I'll explain to the ladies and gentlemen why we're here.

16. You see, the thing is, we are here...

17. We are here because...

18. You nearly took my leg off!

19. Because throughout the 2000s,

20. the world of rallying produced some

21. of the most exciting four-wheel-drive,

22. four-door, family saloon cars anyone had ever seen.

23. And what we want to know is, which is the best?

24. This is my choice.

25. - And before we've even begun,

26. here it is. The Subaru Impreza is the best.

27. And that's that.

28. It just is.

29. At this point, James arrived

30. with one of his favourite things,

31. a contrary opinion.

32. That is a fantastic car, Hammond.

33. The Subaru is superb.

34. It's not quite as fantastic as what I've brought,

35. which is a Mitsubishi Evo.

36. Yes, and if you're on an actual rally special stage

37. or a racetrack, the Evo is brilliant.

38. But the fact remains, to get home again,

39. you will take the Subaru

40. because it's just more suited to the real world, somehow.

41. It's more calm.

42. - Calm? - Yes.

43. Who wants a calm rally car?

44. This twat.

45. At this point, Jeremy demonstrated

46. that he hadn't been listening to himself.

47. - Hello!

48. Didn't you say that you had to bring the best rally car?

49. It is. It's an Audi Quattro.

50. That's not an Audi Quattro.

51. - It is! - Where does it say "Quattro" on that?

52. - It doesn't. - Because it isn't one!

53. - There you go! - Listen,

54. it doesn't say "The Duke of Marlborough"

55. on the Duke of Marlborough.

56. But we know he is the Duke of Marlborough

57. because his ancestor won a battle.

58. And that car's ancestor won a battle. Twice.

59. - It won two battles. - You've brought the wrong thing.

60. It's an RS 4.

61. - These are rally cars! - It's an executive car!

62. Listen, I am older than you two...

63. And old. And older.

64. - And with age has come wisdom. - Weight.

65. - Greyness.

66. And weight.

67. Yeah, it is a bit heavy, I admit.

68. Is it? They are a heavy car!

69. He said, dodging that one.

70. - Very good.

71. - Oh, sorry. - What?

72. My phone is buzzing.

73. Inevitable, go on.

74. There is no escape, is there? There you go.

75. - Yes. - You knew. Yes?

76. Mr Wilman.

77. Right, hang on.

78. In order to find out which of your cars is the best,

79. you will drive across what both the BBC

80. and The Guardian call 'Europe's last great wilderness'.

81. You will drive all the way across Norway,

82. Sweden and Finland,

83. never once dropping below the Arctic Circle,

84. and you must get to Ivalo Airport near the Russian border

85. by 5:00 p.m. on Saturday

86. 'cause that's when your plane back to the UK leaves.

87. - So we've gotta... - How far is that?

88. Hold on. We've gotta get to the finish line in six days.

89. What is it? Five, six hundred miles?

90. - Ooh, over a hundred. - A hundred miles a day?

91. In the Subaru Impreza! Ah!

92. It doesn't sound very tricky this time.

93. I mean, if we were in convertibles...

94. - ... or in four-wheel-drive... - Or roller skates.

95. Yes, four-wheel-drive saloons, near enough.

96. This isn't a clearing-up shower, is it?

97. Should we get going?

98. - Yes. - Yes.

99. Holy cow.

100. We set off, heading east

101. through the monochromatic Lofoten Islands.

102. And at this point, it's probably a good idea

103. to warn our non-petrolhead viewers

104. that you're about to land on Planet Nerd.

105. Now, I should explain that there have been 212 different versions

106. of the Subaru Impreza over the years.

107. There'd be a new model every year,

108. and then there'd be a hot new variant of that model,

109. and then there'd be special limited editions

110. of the hot new variants of the new model.

111. And every member of the very active

112. and committed Subaru community has their own

113. very strong opinions on which one is best.

114. I'm gonna say it's this one.

115. 2003 WRX STi V-Limited edition and...

116. that's the sound of my Twitter inbox exploding

117. with all the Subaru owner community people

118. telling me I'm wrong.

119. I know exactly where Hammond is coming from,

120. because over the years,

121. there have been ten iterations of the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo.

122. And every one has been available in various states of tune

123. and there have been various accessories and extras

124. and so on and so on.

125. But I think peak Evo arrived with this one.

126. The Evo VIII GSR.

127. And that is the sound of everybody on every Evo forum

128. on the internet ringing up to tell me I'm wrong.

129. This Subaru and James' Evo have exactly 276 brake horsepower.

130. And there was also a rule in the World Rally Championship

131. which stated the engine could have a maximum capacity

132. of two litres, it could be turbo-charged.

133. So this has a four-cylinder, two-litre, turbo-charged engine.

134. It's a thoroughbred, it's special.

135. It's rugged, it's purpose-built,

136. it was developed for rallying.

137. It's just the business.

138. I'll be the first to admit

139. that most fast Audis are a bit hopeless.

140. But just occasionally, they come up with a gem.

141. There was the original 20-valve Quattro, the R8, obviously,

142. the TT RS, and this.

143. The 2007 RS 4.

144. The three best engines ever made, in my book,

145. are the Lexus V10, Alfa Romeo's V6, and this,

146. Audi's 4.2-litre naturally-aspirated

147. 414-horsepower V8.

148. God, I love V8s.

149. James, how many World Rally Championship wins

150. does your Evo have?

151. Oh, well, I'm glad you asked me that, Hammond,

152. because actually I do know. It's 26.

153. That's impressive. That's a big number.

154. Here's a bigger number. Mine has 46, which is many more.

155. Jeremy, how many World Rally Championship wins

156. does your Audi have?

157. Er...

158. Let me think. It's none.

159. Yes, none. None at all.

160. What you have done by turning up at this challenge

161. in your Audi not-a-Quattro is exactly the same

162. as you turning up at your farm with a Lamborghini Aventador.

163. Yes, Lamborghini made a tractor, but that isn't one.

164. You could take a massive piss in a Royal Doulton tea cup.

165. Yes, they did make urinals, but that isn't one.

166. It's a damn sight faster than your cars.

167. Well, it's not.

168. This is the fastest car in all environments.

169. Well, we don't know about rallies

170. because it hasn't been in one.

171. Can I just say,

172. it's not the most wildernessy place I've ever been to.

173. I mean, some of the scenery's pretty spectacular,

174. but roads, Armcos, telegraph poles.

175. There's a great many non-wildernessy things around

176. for a wilderness, yes.

177. Not for the first time, I'm baffled by the views

178. of the BBC and The Guardian.

179. Convinced, however, that we soon would enter the wilderness,

180. we pulled up at a car accessories shop

181. to stock up on important supplies.

182. I'd like to buy a windscreen wiper

183. for a Subaru Impreza WRX STi V-Limited edition.

184. Well, I'm gonna see if I can buy some SD cards to play music.

185. Shit!

186. Oh! Good God! There's absolutely no grip!

187. Right.

188. - Holy crap!

189. You don't need to move your legs!

190. I thought in the wilderness...

191. - Oh. Director down.

192. - Director down. - Wow.

193. We'd run over and help you, but we can't.

194. - You all right? - Oh, yes. Sorry, carry on.

195. Slowly and with dignity,

196. we all worked our way to the entrance.

197. hell.

198. No, that hasn't worked at all.

199. - Oh, God, - No, that's not worked.

200. Where, mercifully, we found some friction.

201. This, I quite enjoy going across. Look at this.

202. This is a wilderness, isn't it?

203. - This is a... - It's about survival now.

204. I can see what the BBC

205. - and The Guardian meant. - Well, yeah.

206. What do you need? Subaru?

207. - Yeah. - Well, what sort is it?

208. Impreza, which one?

209. - Outback, Impreza... - WRX.

210. It's a 2003 WRX STi V-Limited edition,

211. one of 555 made in Japan

212. to celebrate the 2003 Drivers Championship victory.

213. Yeah, all right.

214. - In the World Rally Championship. - Yes. Is it a G12, G22, G13, G23?

215. I don't know.

216. - You don't know? - Well, I...

217. - WRX. Here it is. - Yes?

218. Got it. V10. Right, SD cards.

219. Erm, how do you say... 'SD card' in Norwegian?

220. Erm... 'I'm a twat'.

221. Hello.

222. SD card.

223. SD card?

224. Have you got them? Because my car is quite old.

225. Jeremy?

226. - What is it? - Snow grip.

227. Well, it's all in Norwegian.

228. Well, I mean, it doesn't come out in Norwegian.

229. Well, but we don't know what it does.

230. Well, it's, I dunno. Let's think, snow grip.

231. Yes, I think you spray it on your tyres.

232. It makes tarmac really slippery.

233. - Yeah, well spray it on your feet. - It's turtle wax.

234. Why would you put turtle wax on something?

235. No, it's made by them.

236. - Spray it on your feet! - Spray it on your feet.

237. - Like that. - The bottoms of your shoes.

238. - Yeah. - These two?

239. Purchases made, we headed back to the cars.

240. Yeah.

241. With me using my inbuilt warm fluid dispensing system to melt a path.

242. Shuffle forwards.

243. Genius.

244. Back on the road,

245. the black-and-white scenery became even more spectacular.

246. Holy shit. Look at that.

247. But there was one blot in it.

248. Have you noticed this red Volvo that's been following us

249. since we left the football pitch?

250. I see, yes, I saw it then as we came down there.

251. Is that definitely the same Volvo?

252. With the four rectangular rally lights on the front of it?

253. Yeah, it's the same one.

254. Soon, we were getting low on fuel.

255. How shall we buy petrol in the wilderness?

256. Perhaps we shall have to make some

257. out of tree bark and shale.

258. Oh, no, it's all right. Look, there's a petrol station.

259. And, while we were loading up with fuel and snacks,

260. I noticed something.

261. - James? - Yes?

262. Now, we have made some left and right turns.

263. - Yes. - And that,

264. you know what I'm thinking?

265. Yes.

266. - Mr Wilman? Yes. - Mr Wilman has provided us

267. with a backup car because he assumes that after...

268. How long have we not been filming?

269. Three years? We'll have forgotten how to drive.

270. And we'll crash into a tree, which Hammond probably will.

271. Hammond, we've worked something out.

272. Look.

273. - That's gotta be a backup car. - It's a backup car.

274. It's a Volvo three, four, five, it's the five-door.

275. My sister had one, and I'm going to have to say,

276. it's possibly the worst car made by Western Europe.

277. And it's been with us the whole time.

278. - Yes. - It is then, yep. It is.

279. As we headed further north,

280. the weather finally turned wilderness-ish.

281. Yeah, snowing. Snowing. That's what it's doing.

282. Which put the kibosh on me demonstrating the superior speed

283. of my Quattro.

284. Yeah, we probably can't do a nought-to-sixty run here.

285. Can we? 'Cause it's a bit squirrelly.

286. This is infuriating, actually,

287. 'cause I genuinely do need to put you two in your place.

288. I've had a lot of abuse, I've taken it well, I think,

289. but now I just need to quietly

290. and silently put you in your boxes.

291. Good luck with that.

292. Happily, however, after a few,

293. let's be honest, wrong turns, we ended up here.

294. Ooh.

295. What have we come to?

296. This is interesting.

297. That's rock.

298. - It's a proper tunnel look. - It's been concreted over.

299. It's like a grotto.

300. That's spray concrete, isn't it?

301. - Just onto the... - Yeah.

302. - Ooh. - Ooh.

303. Ooh.

304. So, do these lights now come on like you see in those horror films?

305. - You're just... - Ooh.

306. Ha. You know what I'm thinking?

307. - Er, this? - Well, it's dry. It's not skiddy.

308. - It's straight. - And it's straight.

309. So, do you want, are you proposing timed run

310. or who can achieve the highest speed?

311. Well, it would have to be the highest speed, wouldn't it?

312. What if...

313. - Whoa. - Is that the end?

314. Jesus. This is astonishing.

315. Somebody's got a sense of drama here.

316. Wow, this is, you do, it is quite important,

317. I would say, for comfort's sake, you stop before this.

318. No, you'll be fine, though,

319. 'cause there's a gravel trap to stop you before you hit it.

320. So we're doing this individually, 'cause you can't do it at the same time.

321. - What? Oh, no. - Obviously.

322. So, we do it one at a time.

323. How would you actually record what speed you've done?

324. We put a GoPro camera on the dash.

325. - Yes. - And then that will reveal the speed.

326. Somebody else goes in the car with you to verify

327. - how fast you're seeing. - No, we're not going

328. - in a car with you. - We're not getting in a car with you

329. - driving towards a wall. - We're not!

330. We know you don't know when to stop.

331. - Yes, it's gotta be GoPros. - Right. So I'll go first.

332. - Yes. - Actually, you better go second,

333. 'cause it'll be difficult driving over the rubble

334. after he's done it.

335. With all the lights extinguished,

336. I lined up at the entrance of the tunnel.

337. Are you feeling brave?

338. I mean, I'm looking... That's a scary thing.

339. You can't even see where the wall is at the end.

340. You will when you get there.

341. - That's the trouble.

342. Moments before you arrive, those...

343. As the car spins down the tunnel,

344. it'll get shorter as you knock each end off.

345. - Mm-hmm. - Until there's just your cabin going...

346. Right. I think he's doing it.

347. Come on, Jeremy. Be brave.

348. Oh, there's wheel-spin there. No, I'm not getting any grip.

349. Oh, my God, the lights aren't coming on. Oh!

350. Oh, sh...

351. Jesus Christ Al-bloody-mighty!

352. Bloody hell.

353. How was it?

354. You're not going to enjoy it.

355. While I parked my car in a side tunnel...

356. James took his place at the start.

357. Okay, you ready?

358. - Yes. - Right.

359. - Can I just go? - James May is ready

360. and will be setting off very shortly.

361. Brace. Brace. Brace.

362. Right. I've got the deck chair out and a good book.

363. In your own time, begin.

364. That was a brisk start for a James May.

365. Big one. Big one. Big one.

366. Let's get the medics.

367. All right, are you okay to stand up?

368. Okay, hello.

369. Come with me.

370. I'm gonna get an ambulance in, and we're gonna check you out, okay?

371. Oh.

372. Where is he?

373. I saw his head clobber the side of the B pillar.

374. I mean, he went flying.

375. You know, that was, he went in sideways into this wall.

376. The other ambulance is here,

377. so they're gonna take you in so we can...

378. It hurts on the back of my back.

379. Like where? Down the centre or middle?

380. Yeah, um... Yeah, exactly where your hand is.

381. How are you feeling?

382. A bit shit.

383. Erm, the car's, isn't it?

384. It's not... It's not well.

385. You won't drive it out of here.

386. Okay.

387. I'm in the Volvo.

388. - So nothing's broken? - Doesn't seem to be.

389. Head's not hurt?

390. No, my neck hurts. I got a big...

391. - Whiplash? - Mm.

392. Well, well done for not dying.

393. After James was carted off to hospital,

394. there was only one thing we could do.

395. Stand by. Here I come.

396. I'm putting it in gear. Right.

397. Here he comes. Here he comes.

398. Braking, braking. Yeah.

399. Yeah!

400. There has been a disturbance in the force.

401. You've arrived on all four wheels

402. - with your trousers still on. - I know.

403. Yeah, they haven't had to cut them off.

404. He's in a hospital.

405. With Hammond's run done, it was time to reveal the results.

406. Right, I've got mine here. I'm going about 78 there.

407. Yeah, just off the 80 mark.

408. Just shy of 80, which I think

409. - is pretty good. - It's not bad.

410. But I'm going to surprise you now.

411. James May's.

412. It's exactly the bloody same.

413. - I know. - That's uncanny.

414. It is uncanny.

415. - Actually... - And he's driving a car

416. which we know is massively slower

417. - than mine, - Yeah.

418. Which means he did what you usually do

419. and accelerated for far too long.

420. He's stolen my thing.

421. Actually, this is difficult because you can't put him down as a DNF

422. - 'cause he did finish. - Oh, he finished.

423. It's there.

424. But I think he, we'll have to say he lost,

425. because I finished and can drive home in my car.

426. But let's, but first of all, come on, you.

427. We're both 78.

428. And that's 32.

429. - Yeah. - And that's KPH.

430. A bit, yeah.

431. I saw what James did, and I just thought, 'No, this time'.

432. Well, I think that was a good experiment.

433. - Well done us. - It's not quite what I had in mind.

434. No, it's...

435. With our important work done,

436. we could have gone to see James in the hospital,

437. but we decided it would be more interesting

438. to explore these spooky tunnels.

439. What the hell?

440. Ooh. A cavern.

441. There's one down there!

442. Wait a minute.

443. Holy cow.

444. It's a Cold War submarine base.

445. No, it's not. It is, it's a sub base.

446. And it's full of...

447. Marine, with gun, Marine.

448. What, where, what are they doing?

449. They're Special Forces.

450. Right. These are landing craft.

451. He doesn't look very happy.

452. I think we're in the way.

453. I'm very sorry!

454. Oh, what's round here?

455. Hammond, we may have driven into an office.

456. What?

457. The Special Forces are looking at us.

458. Can I just ask, are you Norwegian?

459. - Sorry? - Are you Norwegian?

460. I'm not Norwegian, no, no.

461. Where are you from?

462. - The Netherlands. - You're Dutch?

463. Dutch. All Dutch.

464. Dutch? Everyone's Dutch?

465. - Everyone is Dutch. - Of course.

466. Sit rep, the Dutch and the Norwegians are at war.

467. The day's just got weirder.

468. - Oh, heavens!

469. Hello?

470. Jeremy, you're pulling

471. a top-secret submarine's hosepipe with you.

472. Ah.

473. Yeah. Sorry.

474. - They're Dutch. - What?

475. They're Dutch.

476. What's staggering me is not one of them has said,

477. - 'What on earth... - 'What are you doing here?'

478. are you doing here?'

479. My apologies.

480. Sorry. Sorry.

481. - Sorry. - Thank you.

482. - You're welcome. - Good luck. Carry on.

483. I don't know who's side we're on.

484. When we come out, are we on the Norwegian side or the Dutch side?

485. I'm gonna bear the flag of whoever's holding the gun.

486. The next morning, James was still in hospital.

487. So Jeremy and I got back on the road,

488. our thoughts very much on the tragic events of the day before.

489. It's funny how these things affect you afterwards.

490. I mean, that was traumatic,

491. running down that tunnel and seeing at the end of it

492. that fabulous car wounded.

493. I'm just thinking, Hammond.

494. You know, you've crashed countless cars over the years

495. and it doesn't really matter 'cause they're just

496. metal and plastic and glass,

497. but the Evo's more than that, isn't it?

498. Yeah, it's not a car that you crash

499. or ding in the usual way.

500. It's a car that gets injured

501. 'cause there's so much passion

502. wrapped up in it from a lot of people.

503. And what's worse for me is I've lost my playmate.

504. Er...

505. Yeah, I've lost my car's natural sparring partner,

506. the one car that could keep up with it, live with it.

507. I'm in an Audi Quattro!

508. It's not an Audi Quattro.

509. It's not a rally car!

510. Stunned by Hammond's criticism,

511. I made a proposal.

512. What if I could find a rudimentary wilderness workshop

513. and turn it into a rally car?

514. All right, well, if you can find one and do that,

515. I'll do the one thing I can do to improve my car

516. and give it more power, then we're on.

517. So if I yobbify my car and you up the power of yours,

518. then they become natural rivals.

519. Then we are talking.

520. Right. Set sat nav.

521. With our modding plan agreed on,

522. we hunkered down and headed for the Swedish border.

523. Socket or spanner?

524. - Socket. - This one?

525. Back where we'd stayed the night,

526. I was now out of hospital, nursing a broken rib

527. and trying to save the really badly wounded patient.

528. Starting from the front, underneath there,

529. the radiator is broken and is leaking.

530. The oil cooler is mangled.

531. This is the intercooler pipe.

532. As you can see, the air flow through that is not going to be

533. as the manufacturer intended.

534. This brake calliper actually cracked in the impact

535. and now leaks.

536. This is the drive shaft, which is...

537. Ah, God.

538. That is very broken.

539. Body work is mangled.

540. This wheel is in the wrong position.

541. It's not pointing the right way.

542. The exhaust, it's all now several inches further that way.

543. This car is extremely badly wounded, but it isn't dead.

544. Let's hope...

545. Ow. I shouldn't have done that.

546. we can push it back into shape.

547. Many miles ahead,

548. we were in yet another winter wonderland.

549. That is pretty impressive.

550. But there were issues, chief among which was

551. the Quattro's satellite navigation system.

552. You are not on a digitized road.

553. Oh, I am. I am on a digitized road.

554. Don't be stupid.

555. Unable to provide recommended route from here.

556. You are not on a digitized road.

557. Yeah, my sat nav is saying I'm six kilometres

558. into the wood on our left.

559. Well, we're in the wilderness, 'Europe's great last wilderness'.

560. I suspected that, this far north,

561. sat nav struggled to see any satellites.

562. But there was no time to check that out

563. because of another problem.

564. Terror.

565. The speed of the oncoming snowploughs.

566. No. Oh, no.

567. - Oh.

568. That is doing 170.

569. They are properly committed, aren't they? Here he comes.

570. Yeah. It's Kimi Raikkonen's winter job.

571. Eventually, though, we managed to find the Swedish border,

572. cross it, and reach the town I'd been aiming for.

573. This is the town, Hammond. This is the town.

574. There will be a workshop here.

575. I'd say there's a good chance there will be.

576. They'll have snow machines and ploughs and things

577. that need mending all the time.

578. Sure enough, we found a friendly local

579. who lent us his workshop.

580. And, after buying some parts at a wilderness accessories store...

581. Tape...

582. We both got down to work.

583. Me with some engine-mapping software, and Jeremy not.

584. How's your mapping coming along?

585. I'm done. I'm onto physical stuff now.

586. I'm not doing a lot.

587. You can really change the map that quickly?

588. Yeah.

589. So you've just entirely changed this car's brain?

590. The main thing is we're in the Arctic now.

591. The air is cold and dense,

592. much colder and denser than where this is set up for.

593. So that means it's got more oxygen in it.

594. - So there's more... - The air has?

595. Yes, the cold air is heavier, denser,

596. sits there with more oxygen in it.

597. So that's what you need to mix with the petrol vapor

598. to make lovely, big, rich, juicy explosions in there.

599. - That's amazing. - Yeah. Right.

600. - I'm going to... - James is going

601. to be horrified when he gets here to discover that my jack...

602. Where's my jack gone?

603. Nowhere.

604. Look at that.

605. - Moth.

606. Meanwhile, back in Norway,

607. progress in my workshop wasn't so good.

608. That bit should be there.

609. That should be rectangular.

610. Wow.

611. Okay, what next?

612. The next morning, there was still no sign of James.

613. But Hammond and I had had a productive night.

614. The yobbification program is complete.

615. We have the Audi rallying livery.

616. We have the full Pink Floyd lighting rig.

617. And there's no denying that it's a Quattro now

618. because look, it says 'Quattro' everywhere on it.

619. Where are my keys?

620. I put them in that bath tub, so you won't lose them. There.

621. Oh. Oh, brilliant.

622. Utter, utter...

623. Has it frozen?

624. Yes, Jeremy, the bath full of water has frozen

625. with my keys in.

626. I tried to stop it freezing by weeing in it.

627. Yeah, that would explain the yellow ice.

628. You're sick in the head.

629. But it's funny, it's very funny.

630. - Well done, really. - It is? Cause there they are.

631. - Yeah, there they are. - It's extra, I didn't...

632. And yet they're not.

633. It's just, it was cold last night, wasn't it?

634. - Wasn't it just? - Isn't it?

635. Having eventually freed my key,

636. I was able to savour the fruits of my labours.

637. Right, my laptop wizardry has taken the power up

638. to 356 horsepower.

639. I've upgraded the exhaust, as you can hear.

640. Induction air filter kit. Launch control. Anti-lag on the turbo.

641. And the best livery of all...

642. This isn't just the best car here,

643. this is now the best car ever.

644. I am like a dog with two dicks and a super yacht.

645. Meanwhile, a few miles away,

646. I'd come across something rather special.

647. A frozen lake with a race track carved onto it.

648. And it was completely deserted.

649. Until it suddenly wasn't anymore.

650. Yeah, looks like Hammond has got his keys back.

651. Oh, my word. Come on!

652. What a machine!

653. Obviously, I haven't touched the engine.

654. There was no need. It's already a masterpiece.

655. But I have fitted a magnificent new exhaust system.

656. Listen to that V8 now!

657. Oh, it's howling.

658. I could crash when I like.

659. This is my idea of heaven!

660. Opposite lock. Scandi-flick it in.

661. Holding it...

662. This just flatters the incompetent.

663. I am now fully Swedish.

664. Right. Hammond, you think you wanna come past, do you?

665. Now I'm going to unleash my secret weapon.

666. Ready?

667. Come on, Clarkson.

668. What the hell?

669. - Whoa.

670. You weren't ready for that!

671. Businessman's car, my ass.

672. It's my new handmade exhaust system.

673. And it's designed to prevent you from overtaking.

674. We're on a frozen lake.

675. If you melt it, it's just a lake.

676. Whoa!

677. Once I'd finished barbecuing my colleague,

678. we pulled over to inspect the damage he'd done

679. when he'd headbutted a snow bank.

680. I've lost half the front of it!

681. It looks now like it's been in a pub brawl.

682. - Anyway... - More work to be done.

683. Hammond then went off to find the tools he'd need

684. to mend his car and while he was gone,

685. I modified one of his modifications.

686. Before Hammond noticed my handiwork,

687. we received news that Captain Slow was about to arrive.

688. And this caused us to wonder, in what?

689. I'm strangely conflicted

690. because I desperately want him to be in the Volvo

691. and I desperately want him to be in the Evo.

692. Yeah, I know what you mean.

693. I want him to be in the Volvo because he deserves

694. - to be in the Volvo. - Yeah.

695. - Just for hurting the Evo. - Yeah.

696. - No way. - Oh, wow.

697. No way.

698. I am elated!

699. Hello.

700. We are pleased and angry simultaneously.

701. It's not pretty.

702. No. It's like Frankenstein's Evo.

703. - And it lives as well.

704. What was broken on it?

705. Well, the intercooler, radiator, oil cooler,

706. wheel wishbone, top wishbone, drive shaft,

707. chassis rail, door,

708. exhaust, engine out of alignment.

709. - You really did hurt. - It's worse than that.

710. Half the people in the world hate you

711. - because you destroyed an Evo. - Mm-hmm.

712. And people, it divides into people who like Subarus

713. and like Evos.

714. But the other half of the world also hates you

715. because you took away the Subaru's competitor.

716. - So, everybody hates you. - Erm, It's still here.

717. - Yes. - But you have missed a lot of testing.

718. We've established that the Audi is faster than the Subaru, in the tunnel.

719. And we've established that it's much more fun

720. - on a frozen lake and faster. - Well, no.

721. - We haven't established that. - We have.

722. - Well, we haven't. - We have.

723. - We haven't. - Other things you need to know, James.

724. - Yes? - Norway is at war with Holland.

725. - Oh, God, yeah. Watch out. - Is it?

726. Real surprise.

727. So, where are your cars?

728. Well...

729. Oh, that's actually it?

730. - Yes! - Oh, yeah. We've been busy.

731. - Good on you. - We've done.

732. I'm telling you, we have been really hard at work.

733. We've done important testing and this.

734. Anyway, what are we doing next?

735. Mr Wilman gave us the answer to that.

736. We were going to see which of our cars was the best

737. at skijoring, a sport in which you race round a frozen lake

738. while towing a skier.

739. Mad? You don't even know the half of it.

740. One of them has only got one leg.

741. What?

742. But did he lose the other one doing this?

743. Good afternoon, gentlemen.

744. - Hello. - Good afternoon.

745. Hi. Good afternoon.

746. There then followed a typically verbose Scandinavian conversation.

747. Do you do it here because there aren't very many mountains to ski on?

748. Yeah.

749. How do you win?

750. The fastest wins.

751. Soon, though, the chat started to flow.

752. You see that snow that, what's that snowmobile towing?

753. It's taking a shed out for a drive.

754. For fishing.

755. - What? - For fishing, ice fishing.

756. Oh, it's like a fishing hut.

757. - Ice-fishing hut. - Oh, is it on skis?

758. Yes.

759. - So it's a caravan? - So, that's like a caravan.

760. - It's a caravan. - Yeah, but on skis!

761. That's quite good.

762. Distraction over, we got back to the job in hand.

763. How fast do normally go?

764. 120.

765. - What? - What?

766. - 120. - I wouldn't do that without a skier.

767. - That's kilometres an hour, yes? - Kilometres per hour, yeah.

768. - But it's still... - That's still 70.

769. Yes, I wouldn't...

770. - 70 miles an hour? - Yeah.

771. Closer to 80.

772. - What? - Yeah.

773. But what? We've never done this.

774. Yeah, so we won't go that fast,

775. but you can still enjoy it.

776. - That's sort of up to us, really. - That's the problem, it's up to us!

777. We have done a little bit of driving around this track.

778. Well, I haven't.

779. And when you're following the other one,

780. he doesn't know what he's gonna do in the corner,

781. how he's gonna do it, is he gonna turn early...

782. Well, I don't know what the car's going to do.

783. Yeah, but your cars are intact.

784. - I mean, not... - My Evo.

785. - No, his isn't, yeah. - But your cars.

786. Yeah, he just looked at the middle pedal and thought,

787. 'No, I don't need that'.

788. Still not convinced this was a good idea,

789. we lined up for the start.

790. It's the second stupid thing we've done on this trip.

791. How cold do you think it's going to be on skis

792. at 80 miles an hour?

793. Unimaginably cold.

794. Will there be a dribble of warmth from my exhaust

795. to keep him warm, do you think?

796. Yes, but you don't want to cross the finish line

797. with some bacon on the end of a string.

798. Here we go.

799. There's a man in the rear-view mirror

800. and he's keeping up with me.

801. That's alarming.

802. Where does it go?

803. I'm cutting off Hammond.

804. Oh, I've bollocks'ed that.

805. - Oh, sorry.

806. 65 miles per hour, and he's still there.

807. This is terrifying. I'd rather drive in that tunnel again.

808. And that's 80 miles an hour we've just achieved.

809. I want to catch Jeremy more than anything else

810. in the world, but I don't wanna kill someone else doing it.

811. Hammond's gaining, he is gaining.

812. He wants me to go faster. He's bloody nuts.

813. I went wide!

814. - No!

815. No!

816. I have the lead!

817. That was a mistake.

818. Shit, I've lost him.

819. - Right, last lap.

820. Through the chicaney bit.

821. Come on!

822. Mapping's good, but it doesn't beat cubes.

823. And I have a lot of cubes.

824. Come on!

825. The power of the V8 is mighty!

826. Yes!

827. I got him back!

828. Did he, oh, I forget to check. He's still there.

829. Where is he?

830. Oh, thank God.

831. Having bid a fond farewell to these foolish men...

832. - Well, thank you. - Guys, yeah.

833. - Yes, really. - It was a pleasure.

834. - Thank you very much. - Thank you. Thank you.

835. It was a terrifying experience.

836. I don't know what the Swedish for 'thank you' is,

837. - but thank you. - A great spectacle and incredibly brave.

838. - We continued on our way.

839. And an hour later, something dawned on me.

840. This is the first time since we set off

841. that I've genuinely felt like I'm in a wilderness.

842. I mean, there's just no evidence anywhere

843. of man's existence.

844. There's no town. There's no village.

845. There's no... hotel?

846. Chaps, I'm loving the wilderness, but where are we going to spend the night?

847. I've been thinking the same.

848. It's very nice to feel we're finally out there,

849. but there's no hotels.

850. It is getting quite dark as well.

851. Yeah. Well, why don't you turn your light on?

852. I say 'light'.

853. I have got my light on.

854. Would you like to see my lights, James?

855. Well, I'm gonna say no, but, yes, there you go, well done.

856. We drove for hours

857. and there was still no sign of life.

858. It's minus six-and-a-half degrees out there.

859. Seriously, what are we going to do?

860. Come on.

861. Eventually, though, as we approached a wood,

862. we saw in my headlights the outline of a building.

863. - I wonder what it is? - I don't know.

864. - This is like a survival hut.

865. This is left so that, if you're stuck in the wilderness,

866. you come in and help yourself.

867. It's got all the basics.

868. So this is like a Sami hut?

869. A pile of wood.

870. Meat!

871. Well, it'll all be frozen, wouldn't it?

872. Yeah, the meat'll be fine. We can light a fire.

873. Yeah, we need to get the fire lit.

874. Are you still going on about your ribs?

875. Hello! Look at this.

876. - Oh, bollocks. - You massive tit.

877. - What, did he dropped it?

878. Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

879. Yeah! Meaty treat!

880. Oh, bloody hell, that's fabulous.

881. - Isn't it? - Yeah. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

882. We've had a little adventure out in the wilderness.

883. It's true, we are living a wilderness lifestyle.

884. But we could be eating Rudolph. And who are the other ones?

885. Donner and Blitz, who were the other reindeers?

886. Flatulence, Ball Bag and Stingray.

887. Steve. Robert.

888. - Rudolph. - Yeah.

889. - Donner and Kebab. - Alimony.

890. There wasn't one called Alimony!

891. Bob.

892. Guys?

893. What the hell is that?

894. This turf hut is the central part of the camp.

895. One of these was all, it's a, we've slept in a museum exhibit.

896. There's a gift shop.

897. Jesus.

898. They've got little...

899. There's a petting... They're petting reindeers.

900. Now, wait, they don't know...

901. - No, they think... - ... that we've been in there all night.

902. I haven't got any trousers on.

903. Might I suggest you go and put some trousers on.

904. - Yeah. - We can pack up.

905. 'Cause what I'm going to do is sidle back to the cars.

906. Oh, I enjoyed looking at the hut.

907. - Yeah. - Did you?

908. - That was interesting, I think, Hammond. - Yeah, a really good look.

909. Well worth 10 or 15 minutes of your time, isn't it?

910. Again, we thought we were in the wilderness.

911. Hammond!

912. Oh, I can only imagine

913. it's some sort of freak weather event,

914. like a shaft of cold that...

915. I mean, it could have hit any of us.

916. But it's hit you.

917. Now, if you get hit by one of those blasts of ice

918. - round these parts, it's a lucky... - You did this!

919. - Well... - Because I put your keys

920. in ice, you put my entire car...

921. How did you do that?

922. It's pretty, though, isn't it? Look!

923. It's undrivable, is what it is.

924. - For now. - It's an incredible effect.

925. But by June...

926. You are gonna help me get the ice off that car.

927. I am. And also, I'm not.

928. What do you think Jeremy will do

929. to solve the little conundrum I may have given him?

930. How long will it be, do you think, before he says,

931. 'Right, I'll set fire to it'?

932. Half a minute?

933. Yes! This is good.

934. - Morning.

935. This is gonna take forever.

936. I've overdone it.

937. Well, he could just talk about it a lot

938. 'cause all that hot air would eventually melt the ice

939. on the car, wouldn't it?

940. Traditional Sami fire extinguisher.

941. Hammond and I headed further east

942. through the empty landscape,

943. with me still a bit dumbstruck

944. about how the Evo had come back from the dead.

945. Think what happened to the front of this car.

946. The front wishbone was bent back on itself, but here we are,

947. temperature absolutely stable, steering rock steady.

948. I wouldn't have believed it.

949. If we were in an old black-and-white British newsreel,

950. it would be described as a plucky chap.

951. But it's more than a plucky chap.

952. I mean, it's just incredible.

953. Soon, Richard and I were nearing the mining town of Kiruna.

954. I don't know much about it apart from the fact

955. that it hosts the world's largest underground iron ore mine.

956. Which suggests it's not pretty?

957. I'm not expecting Bourton-on-the-Water.

958. No. Agreed.

959. Then again, iron ore is very important

960. and Swedish iron ore was very significant

961. to Britain's success in the Industrial Revolution.

962. History lecture.

963. And once the Darbys had worked out how

964. to smelt iron with coke rather than having

965. to burn charcoal made from wood, we were away.

966. There's actually a bit more to it than that.

967. That was an over-simplification.

968. And yet, still, somehow more than enough.

969. Eventually, we arrived in the town itself.

970. That must be it. That must be the actual mine.

971. Well, one good thing, as this is a town,

972. and it's a sort of practical town,

973. we can stock up on all the stuff we might need

974. to continue our journey through the wilderness.

975. Meanwhile, back at Ice Station Zebra,

976. I was finally making progress.

977. Fire, no use at all.

978. Hammer, only thing that works.

979. Ooh! Movement!

980. See, my mother would look at that hole there in the window

981. and go, 'Yes, that's clear.

982. We can go to school now, Jeremy'.

983. Yes. We are away.

984. Over in Kiruna,

985. we had found the most manly shop in the world.

986. - Oh, right, this... - Oh, hang on.

987. Whoa!

988. - No!

989. That says mining town!

990. 'What do you mine?' 'Iron-ore'.

991. - That must... - I'm going to put my car back together.

992. That is...

993. Have we shrunk or is everybody bigger than us here?

994. - I dunno. - Yeah.

995. I haven't got my glasses.

996. It's an ax.

997. Oh, hang on, these are like strops.

998. This is if we get stuck, which we could 'cause we're gonna be in the wilderness.

999. - Easy. - These are strops

1000. and winches and things. A ratchet strap.

1001. And we are prepared.

1002. With our survival shopping done,

1003. we went for a well-earned bite to eat.

1004. It's funny, I don't generally go for pizzas,

1005. but sometimes...

1006. Oh, hello.

1007. You made it.

1008. Oh.

1009. What?

1010. - Would you like some pizza? - Yes.

1011. - Did you get the ice off? - Yeah, mostly.

1012. I bet it was fun. That was a proper challenge.

1013. What did you do?

1014. - Flame thrower, chisel. - We guessed fire.

1015. I hope you enjoy your pizza.

1016. Shall we call a truce on silly ice-related pranks?

1017. - No. - Okay.

1018. You can have a small piece.

1019. - Don't let him have any! - Small piece, small piece.

1020. - Have you seen this? - What?

1021. It's a mobile home.

1022. I'll tell you exactly what this is.

1023. The iron ore mine, which you may have noticed on the way in...

1024. - It's hard to miss. - Mmm.

1025. The seam is going under the town that they're mining,

1026. and the houses are starting to...

1027. - They just disappear in the... - Yeah, they're just falling into the hole.

1028. So they're moving the town.

1029. But there was a whole house on a truck thing.

1030. - They just move the house. - Yeah, pick up the house.

1031. They are moving house, literally.

1032. They pick them up, put them on a lorry,

1033. and move them to an area where the mine isn't.

1034. - Wow! - There, look, you can see.

1035. Yeah.

1036. There is the seam and the town is falling down.

1037. It gives me an idea, though.

1038. - What? - You know those houses

1039. we saw on skis at the lake, was it yesterday?

1040. - Hmm. - Mm.

1041. Well, I know that once we go...

1042. Where are we going?

1043. - East of here. - Yeah?

1044. Towards Finland and into Finland,

1045. it does get more wildernessy than it has been.

1046. Why don't we get, like, houses and tow them behind our cars?

1047. What?

1048. - That's just a caravan. - Actual houses?

1049. No, no, no, on skis.

1050. Well, but we can't possibly tow a whole house behind us.

1051. Well, I'm not suggesting we have a six-bedroom mansion.

1052. So, what are you thinking of?

1053. Something in between a dog kennel and that.

1054. On skis?

1055. - It's the skis that... - Yes, it's not some awful...

1056. You can make whatever house you like.

1057. That is a smart idea.

1058. So with that and the provisions we've bought,

1059. - we are good. - Have you been shopping?

1060. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah,

1061. we've got some fantastic stuff.

1062. With that settled, we found a workshop.

1063. And the next afternoon, the houses were ready.

1064. Let me talk you through my genius, if I may, Hammond.

1065. - A simple bed, fur blanket. - Synthetic?

1066. Yeah, and then we've got a wood-burning stove,

1067. antler lighting here,

1068. and then, external lighting on my porch.

1069. It's a bit big, isn't it?

1070. It's not big!

1071. Well, it is compared to mine.

1072. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah!

1073. Traditional Swedish hut. Perfect in every way, this.

1074. This is what they use.

1075. Look, compact living.

1076. In the middle, this is for cooking.

1077. So, air comes in underneath, goes out that chimney at the top.

1078. - Yeah? - Keeps the whole thing warm.

1079. This seat converts into a bed.

1080. - I've got lighting. - Hold on. What?

1081. You have to sleep in a C shape?

1082. No, no, no, that bit goes in there and then that comes over there.

1083. This all converts into a bed when you're in sleeping mode,

1084. but this is sociable, keep warm, cook food.

1085. Pretty lights, honestly...

1086. Why didn't you make it square, though?

1087. You'd have had more space.

1088. Because they are traditionally this shape.

1089. You sit around. I actually have one of these at home.

1090. - Of course you do. - For real, and it's brilliant.

1091. You have a barbecue in it with your friends and, you know...

1092. Have you just stolen a bus shelter?

1093. Well, my thinking was that, when I'm in bed,

1094. I can just look at the Northern Lights without having to go outside.

1095. I wish I'd thought of that.

1096. This is a bit like those people who go foraging for food.

1097. Isn't it? You've gone foraging for shelter.

1098. Instead of some mushrooms, you've come back with a bus stop.

1099. It's a clever thing.

1100. It's just, I don't particularly want to look out of my window

1101. and see you doing man things.

1102. I'm not gonna park near you.

1103. Unveilings over, it was time to hit the road.

1104. Here we go.

1105. Ooh, it's going. I have begun.

1106. We're moving.

1107. Well, thus far, everything works. It's perfect.

1108. Chaps? I seem to have frozen to the ground.

1109. Richard and I, therefore, got out to give him a push.

1110. - You ready?

1111. - What are you doing? - Three, two, one, go!

1112. - Yes! - Yes.

1113. Keep going, James.

1114. - Thank you!

1115. I'm off.

1116. It works! It works!

1117. Oh, no. No.

1118. Panic. Panic.

1119. It's difficult to describe the handling of the Audi now.

1120. Worse is one way of saying it.

1121. On the plus side, however,

1122. our grand designs had solved our housing problems.

1123. And we were now heading smoothly towards the Finnish border.

1124. I'm a proper nomad in the snowy wilderness.

1125. I've got my home with me.

1126. Fabulous, it's a roaming village.

1127. Hello, lovely Swedish people.

1128. Now, the sat nav is saying to go left here.

1129. No!

1130. I nearly rolled my shed there!

1131. Buffeting.

1132. Buffeting.

1133. Oh. Steady.

1134. Jeremy, are you sure about this turnoff?

1135. Yes. I'm not.

1136. To be honest, I'm not, 'cause my sat nav won't admit,

1137. 'cause it's German,

1138. that it can only see one or maybe two satellites.

1139. So, it doesn't really know where it is.

1140. Thanks to the Quattro's superior power,

1141. I was soon far ahead of the two-litre boys.

1142. But my heavy shed did make my V8 a bit thirsty.

1143. God, I'm gonna need some fuel first.

1144. Oh no, wait, a petrol station.

1145. Whoa. Ooh, deary me.

1146. - Oh! Hell!

1147. Shit!

1148. I've crashed into a petrol station is what I've done here.

1149. Oh, shit.

1150. Morning.

1151. At that moment, my colleague arrived.

1152. Right.

1153. And kindly volunteered to help me out of my pickle.

1154. Shall I go? I'll stand on it.

1155. Full-right in reverse, It might just do it.

1156. You reckon?

1157. Ah. You see?

1158. - Yes? - Yeah, you're all right.

1159. Keep your hard, hard right in.

1160. Okay.

1161. And then go forwards.

1162. All right, with hindsight, I've made a mistake.

1163. Oh...

1164. Shit!

1165. What did I hit?

1166. All those big metal bins.

1167. Have I hit the recycling bin?

1168. Yes, a number of them, in fact.

1169. Oh. no. Look what we've done.

1170. - We? - It is a village notice board.

1171. Music lessons, they do recorder lessons.

1172. - There's a kid's choir. - Well, they, they won't notice.

1173. Well, they will, it's on its side.

1174. Oh, it's bloody heavy.

1175. No, we're not gonna, we're never gonna get that back up.

1176. It's the one thing they've got! Snow and a notice board.

1177. Given the situation,

1178. it seemed churlish to complain about my own damage.

1179. Ooh, that's gonna be breezy in there now.

1180. So, after Mr Slowly turned up, we left the scene,

1181. trying to draw as little attention to ourselves as possible.

1182. Chaps, we're going the other way.

1183. Stop. We're going the other way.

1184. Well, why didn't you tell me that before I set off?

1185. No. No. Over-jackknifed.

1186. Are we having a barn dance now?

1187. Back on the road, traffic was light.

1188. So, after a few miles, we got a big giddy.

1189. Are you overtaking me, you maniac?

1190. Ski-shed racing! New thing!

1191. Oh, my God.

1192. Yeah, with hindsight, that was a mistake.

1193. I've made it angry!

1194. Ooh! Bank!

1195. Oh no, there's a bus shelter coming up on my inside.

1196. Even James May's bus...

1197. I'm gonna take him...

1198. Oh, my word.

1199. Oh.

1200. I was a little over-exuberant. I, yeah...

1201. Well, I haven't done anything funnier than this

1202. in a car for a really, really, really long time.

1203. I just hope it isn't that sort of funny

1204. that ends in blood and court cases and burst arteries.

1205. - Turn left. - Left turn. Ooh, sudden!

1206. Shit!

1207. Oh, hell!

1208. There's a left turn, and I've had a accident.

1209. - You're a dick.

1210. Nevertheless, for the second time in two hours,

1211. my colleague did organize a rescue.

1212. So if we get this strop and another strop and take it to that tree...

1213. Stand clear.

1214. Ooh, a little, a little tug might do it.

1215. Yeah, there you go.

1216. - Very good! - Hoorah!

1217. Something we did worked!

1218. Something, like, we did it and it...

1219. I didn't do it.

1220. - We were there. - We were there when it did it.

1221. There it is, the mighty shed is once again on the move.

1222. A few miles later, my Amstrad sat nav

1223. finally delivered us to the Finnish border.

1224. Now, that is Finland over there, on the other bank of this frozen river.

1225. This is an international border?

1226. Yes.

1227. So how do people cross between Sweden and Finland if,

1228. say, it's the summer?

1229. Yes, you raise a good point there, James.

1230. This sat nav's taken leave of its senses.

1231. Anyway, here we go.

1232. Hello, Finland.

1233. Yeah, this is a bit more like the real deal now.

1234. This is the wilderness.

1235. If we get into trouble out here, we are a long way from anyone and anything.

1236. But it's okay.

1237. We've got our houses with us.

1238. We find a clearing in the woods and we camp, in the wild.

1239. As we climbed, dusk gave way to darkness.

1240. And then there was a storm.

1241. Now, this has got a bit perilous now.

1242. A, it's gone dark and B, it's a blizzard.

1243. I mean a proper blizzard.

1244. This is far from good now.

1245. The inside of my windscreen has iced up.

1246. I'm having to...

1247. No, this is just hopeless.

1248. I think we should stop here.

1249. I don't think we should carry on.

1250. I'm going in. I'm gonna get my fire working.

1251. Shall I come and help you?

1252. By all means.

1253. Jesus.

1254. Oh, God.

1255. Come on.

1256. I might have put some lighter fluid on it.

1257. Thanks for telling me.

1258. These are so cold.

1259. Thankfully, the next morning,

1260. the storm had passed.

1261. Oh, I'm cold.

1262. Ooh.

1263. Jesus Christ.

1264. Right, what we've done...

1265. is camped on the ski run.

1266. And a red run, by the looks of things.

1267. What the...

1268. What the...

1269. That's what you get for encasing my car in ice, I guess.

1270. What?

1271. Good.

1272. Time to get up.

1273. Where are we?

1274. Now, that's interesting.

1275. It turns out we're in a ski resort.

1276. - What? - I know.

1277. Jeez.

1278. Oh, God, it's a good job we stopped when we did.

1279. I know.

1280. Hammond's already at the bottom.

1281. What? How?

1282. On his skis?

1283. Yeah, and his shed.

1284. His shed went down the bottom?

1285. Yeah, I might have given a little bit of a push.

1286. - A tiny push. - You pushed his shed down the hill?

1287. Well, I thought he, 'cause he always said he wanted to go skiing.

1288. Well, ignore him, we've got the big problem,

1289. 'cause we've somehow got to tow these down there.

1290. And that's a red run.

1291. Actually, I had the big problem,

1292. because my house was now ruined and I needed to get up to my car.

1293. This meant using the pulling thing that skiers use.

1294. And the problem there was, I can't ski.

1295. Skis? No.

1296. More skis.

1297. Snowboards.

1298. No.

1299. Oh, hang on.

1300. Yes.

1301. Meanwhile, back at the top,

1302. I was trying to hitch my car up to my bus shelter.

1303. Bugger!

1304. Right, my plan, to try and stop

1305. my very long sledge slewing round

1306. is to attach cables to the corner here and the corner there

1307. and the corner there and the corner there

1308. to keep it straight.

1309. Sorry.

1310. Sorry.

1311. Sorry.

1312. Right. Hang on. Right hand down, back, a bit of left, a bit of right, line up.

1313. Oh, shit!

1314. Shit!

1315. Jesus!

1316. Ah! No!

1317. Oh.

1318. This left just me and two sheds.

1319. Oh, for God's sake.

1320. Right. Oh, it's Hammond.

1321. Hammond? Could you give us a hand?

1322. No.

1323. Having finally got my shed hitched,

1324. I was ready to go.

1325. Right. Is everything in order?

1326. Traction control is off. Good.

1327. Jeremy, are you actually coming down here today at all?

1328. I'm coming. It's very difficult.

1329. Because I've got a shed on the back of my car.

1330. Lights? Yeah.

1331. Straps are on. Oh, shit!

1332. Traction control is off.

1333. Here we go.

1334. Take this steadily.

1335. That's what I've gotta do, steady.

1336. Keep it straight, Jeremy. Keep it straight.

1337. Er, your shed's on fire.

1338. How have I done this?

1339. No, stopping not possible.

1340. I'm speeding up.

1341. Trying to put the flames out that way,

1342. like they did in 'Memphis Belle'.

1343. All right, I'm gonna try and understeer my way to a halt.

1344. Oh, God.

1345. I think it might have something

1346. - to do with your flaming exhaust. - Shit!

1347. Once the fire had been put out...

1348. I inspected the damage.

1349. Oh, Christ. Burned.

1350. - Well, at least it's warm now. - The straps worked.

1351. - Yeah, but... - But, no, no, stop and just,

1352. before you get onto your negativity...

1353. Okay?

1354. These straps stopped it.

1355. You know, all the way here, it was slewing round all the time?

1356. - That solved the problem. - Good thinking.

1357. - Exactly. - But as a result of that,

1358. it's survived for you to sleep in another night.

1359. Oh, well, this has gone well.

1360. - We were all now homeless.

1361. And we had another problem.

1362. The airport may have only been a hundred miles away,

1363. but making it on time in Finland,

1364. which has the toughest speeding laws in the world,

1365. would be tricky.

1366. It did give me an idea, though.

1367. Listen. What we've established is the Audi is the only car

1368. that can pull a sledge down a red run.

1369. And set it on fire and destroy it.

1370. Yes, yes, yes, but it's the only one that did it.

1371. Yours didn't.

1372. I'm doing a thorough test on this car.

1373. And actually, to be honest, early on,

1374. May was doing a very thorough test on the Evo.

1375. So come on, Hammond.

1376. Show us how fast the Subaru goes.

1377. I'm not doing that here.

1378. Why not?

1379. Because they are properly next-level strict on speeding.

1380. They don't just access your records

1381. to see if your car's taxed,

1382. they look at your tax returns to see how much you earn

1383. and then fine you accordingly.

1384. He's right. They do.

1385. It's true. A Finnish sausage magnate was fined 116,000 pounds

1386. for doing 80 kilometres in a 40-kilometre zone.

1387. They are serious about it.

1388. Come on, Hammond. You can afford it.

1389. Put your foot down. See how fast you can make it go.

1390. - I am not,

1391. even I am not falling for that. No.

1392. Because of the speed limits,

1393. I was worried we'd miss our flight.

1394. But then I had a brainwave.

1395. Well, we can't go quickly on the roads,

1396. but we can go quickly on this lake,

1397. which actually stretches a long way towards the airport.

1398. Okey doke. Here we go.

1399. - Speed and power.

1400. You see? No speed limits here.

1401. The swine! He cut me off like a maniac and a yobbo.

1402. You can't get me.

1403. You should try driving over here. It's all flat.

1404. - Oh, shit!

1405. James has gone through, everyone.

1406. - Shit! - James has gone through.

1407. Don't move.

1408. Shit.

1409. Can you get out?

1410. Are you on the bottom?

1411. I mean, is he just, is it the ice underneath him?

1412. It could just be on a rock.

1413. Ow!

1414. James, what's happened is your front spoiler

1415. is wedged in what looks like still-intact ice.

1416. That's against a rock or the ice.

1417. Oh, my ribs.

1418. Right, you're pretty much out,

1419. if you can get on the boot lid.

1420. I mean, do you think the car is just sitting on a plate of ice?

1421. No, I think it's just wedged in some ice.

1422. If it goes down, I'll swim for it, but we've gotta save the car.

1423. Find a way of dragging the car out.

1424. If you drag the car out, I'll come with it.

1425. Have you, we got, you've got a tow.

1426. - Something I've... - Yeah, but we can't get

1427. close enough to pull it out with your, with our cars, can we?

1428. - No, I'm not driving any nearer.

1429. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not gonna go near, but...

1430. Don't drive any closer than there.

1431. We're not going to. So the tow rope is out.

1432. But I have got tools.

1433. Right, let's go and think what we've got.

1434. - That's halfway up the lights there. - Yeah, okay, let's look at tools.

1435. Mate, I saw a video, don't laugh.

1436. But you know I like sort of, you know, recovery and off-roading and stuff?

1437. Yes.

1438. I was watching them do an ice recovery.

1439. There's a way of doing this.

1440. You can use a tree as a winch.

1441. Don't go away, James. We'll be right back.

1442. Oh, no, I was gonna go for a coffee.

1443. This is a rescue mission.

1444. I reckon there's just a chance this could still go again,

1445. if it didn't hydraulic the engine.

1446. But we've gotta get it out. It's... Oh, God.

1447. I don't believe it's ready to go.

1448. It's a survivor.

1449. - So, what's the plan? - Oh, he's got one.

1450. I don't understand it, I'm gonna be honest with you.

1451. Saw this on the internet.

1452. I've gone through.

1453. - Ready? - Yeah.

1454. Right, you have a bridge to escape.

1455. When are you gonna say 'thank you'?

1456. Well, it hasn't worked yet.

1457. Is there a way we can get the car out but leave him there?

1458. - I reckon that's good. - Right. May?

1459. Give this a really good knot and attach it to the tow bar, yeah?

1460. Yeah, okay.

1461. Ow!

1462. - You're on. - Yes?

1463. Is that it, Hammond?

1464. Yeah. It's built.

1465. What? So it's just a log in a hole?

1466. - Yep. - Tied to another log?

1467. Yep.

1468. And you reckon that's gonna be enough

1469. to pull a ton and a half of car that's...

1470. Oh, yeah.

1471. I think that log in the middle's turning.

1472. Yeah, it's supposed to.

1473. - Oh, is it? - That's the winch.

1474. The log in the middle turns and winds in the rope.

1475. Actually, Hammond, you know what?

1476. - It's working. - It's working!

1477. I mean, I'm genuinely staggered,

1478. 'cause that is ice, but, yeah, look at that.

1479. Right, we've gotta get him off.

1480. Can you put the log between there

1481. and the driver's seat?

1482. And then I can climb across the door to the nice bit, onto the land.

1483. - He is rescued.

1484. Right, thank you.

1485. Did the engine, as far as you know, go under water?

1486. I don't think it did.

1487. So we've got to try and keep the engine above water.

1488. - Let's do it. - Let's just do it.

1489. We have got to just get cracking, seriously.

1490. We started winching,

1491. praying that whatever was holding the car up

1492. would keep the engine out of the water.

1493. What's the breaking strain of the rope?

1494. I don't know. It's just rope.

1495. Oh, shit, it's gone in!

1496. The car's gone in at the front.

1497. Okay.

1498. It's dropped off the edge?

1499. Yeah.

1500. Right, we really have got a bit of a rush on now

1501. 'cause the engine's in the water.

1502. Okay.

1503. - It's moving! Look! - It is!

1504. Once the back of the car was far enough out,

1505. it was time for the next part of my plan.

1506. Like this?

1507. - Hammond? - Yeah, that's correct.

1508. Jeremy, are you ready?

1509. Two secs.

1510. The car's moving!

1511. - It is under tension now. - The car's moving.

1512. Ooh, brake lights. Why have the brake lights just come on?

1513. Electrics. Fusing.

1514. Right. James?

1515. - Yeah? - Your engine is out.

1516. The biggest problem is, it's stuck on the frame.

1517. But, as it was now out of the hole,

1518. I could get close enough to use my V8.

1519. Stop. Stop.

1520. Right, you're on. There you go.

1521. - Another one.

1522. - That'll do it. That'll do it. - That is out!

1523. What a car this is.

1524. It's yanked the Evo out.

1525. It's saved the Evo's life. You beauty.

1526. But the question was, had it?

1527. - Oh. - Oh, shit.

1528. - Look at the off headlamp. - Oh, God.

1529. Right, well, what you've got, James,

1530. plainly, is some work to do.

1531. - Yep. - Hammond, what you and I have got to do

1532. is catch this plane home.

1533. Yes. Team comes first.

1534. The team comes first. We have been a team.

1535. Thank you for that.

1536. We'll see you in something.

1537. - Volvo.

1538. I can't see him fixing that this time.

1539. It's a tough little car, that Evo,

1540. and I love it, but I think it's dead.

1541. We are running late for this plane!

1542. Come on, come on.

1543. The lake gave way to fast forest tracks.

1544. Which were the perfect environment to sum up our cars.

1545. If I can liken them to dogs, and I think I can,

1546. the Evo is like a rescue dog.

1547. It's been appallingly mistreated by its irresponsible owner,

1548. and you sort of love it for that.

1549. Then there's the Subaru, which is like an endearing

1550. but ultimately quite annoying terrier. [barks, pants]

1551. And then there's the Audi Quattro, which is like a Labrador,

1552. brilliant at absolutely everything.

1553. A Quattro is not just for Christmas.

1554. A Quattro is for life.

1555. I'm not saying the Subaru can do everything,

1556. adapt to fit the captain of industry and the bar-brawler within you.

1557. It doesn't. You have to change to fit it, and that's the point.

1558. The most mild-mannered vicar in the world

1559. could leave the pulpit with kind words for his flock,

1560. hop into a Subaru Impreza,

1561. and he would drive, well, like this.

1562. Ooh, 'cause that's what it does!

1563. We then got on with our charge to the plane.

1564. Right, that is the perimeter fence for the airport.

1565. Somewhere in there is our plane.

1566. I'm now in Where Eagles Dare.

1567. Oh, my word. A machine!

1568. What an arrival.

1569. - That's gotta be it.

1570. - Fancy plane! - Yeah. Nice finish line.

1571. - Isn't it?

1572. We'd actually got here faster than expected,

1573. which meant we now had a bit of time to kill

1574. while waiting for James.

1575. I was just thinking, driving along,

1576. if your car was originally designed to do rallying,

1577. it's going to be pretty good, whatever it is.

1578. How would you know?

1579. Well, it wasn't designed to do rallying,

1580. - was it? - It was!

1581. Did you look in your rear-view mirror

1582. at any point in the last 40 minutes?

1583. Yes, there was an enormous Audi in it,

1584. but not a rally car.

1585. Your problem is you're not very observant.

1586. What?

1587. What?

1588. - Did you do that? - Yes.

1589. Have you done the doors as well?

1590. - Yes. - Oh, bloody hell.

1591. And your windscreen.

1592. Oh, come on, I thought I looked cool.

1593. - You did. - No, it didn't!

1594. Everyone was going, 'There's a Martin Clunes fan'.

1595. - Or Martin Bashir.

1596. Revelations dealt with,

1597. we then waited to see what James would arrive in.

1598. And a short while later...

1599. Is that him?

1600. - And if it is... - What's he in?

1601. Is it the Mitsubishi? Or is it the Volvo?

1602. Is that the Volvo?

1603. It was the Volvo.

1604. And I wasn't in it.

1605. What? Oh, my God!

1606. Yes, what a car!

1607. That is extraordinary!

1608. How the bloody hell is that possible?

1609. It's totally wounded, but it's here!

1610. We worried when we began this journey

1611. that it'd be a bit nerdy.

1612. But it wasn't.

1613. And we sincerely hope

1614. that all of you have found these rally-bred titans

1615. as amazing as we have.

1616. You beauty.

1617. They're cars that put up with all of our nonsense,

1618. never once losing their majesty.

1619. But there's absolutely no doubt

1620. about the real hero of this adventure.

1621. The Evo died, not once but twice.

1622. No way.

1623. And both times, it rose from the dead...

1624. - ... and soldiered on.

1625. Oh!

1626. That's why the Evo and its traveling companions

1627. are exactly the sort of cars a show like this is honoured to honour.

1628. Hi, there.

1629. Shore to Jeremy, Richard, James.

1630. - They're here. - [man #2] Why have they gone down there?

1631. [man #3] They're getting further away.

1632. - [man #3] I'm losing them. - [man #4] What?

1633. Guys, you're supposed just to taxi round.

1634. What the...

1635. They're not supposed to be on that. That's a prop.

1636. They're not supposed to take off.

1637. - They're supposed to be on that one.