The Grand Tour 4x4

1. Hello and welcome to the enormous catapult machine that we built

2. to keep ourselves amused during the COVID lockdown.

3. I've no idea what we're gonna use it for, but who knows,

4. maybe something will come to mind as we set out in this show

5. to answer an important question:

6. what is the matter with the French?

7. Now, I wanna make it plain at the outset that I like France.

8. So does Hammond.

9. May thinks it's only there so we can drive to Italy more easily.

10. But we are all in agreement on one thing.

11. The French can be a bit weird.

12. The fact is that we live in a homogenized world these days.

13. We all eat the same food

14. and wear the same clothes

15. and do the same things.

16. But not in France.

17. France is different.

18. They take most of their medicines anally.

19. And at work, you're not allowed, by law,

20. to eat your lunch at your desk.

21. You must go and do it somewhere properly.

22. In schools, tomato ketchup is banned, but until the 1980s,

23. kids could be served alcohol with their school dinners.

24. French bakers are not allowed to close when they want

25. because there must always be a supply of croissant and baguette.

26. And French footballers are unusual as well.

27. When the seagulls...

28. follow the trawler,

29. it's because they think

30. sardines will be thrown into the sea.

31. And if you wanna say "I feel lucky" in French,

32. you say "Avoir le cul bordé de nouilles,"

33. which means "My bottom is full of noodles."

34. Surprised there's room with all the pills up there.

35. But it's on the road where this oddness is at its most evident.

36. French cars have always been weird.

37. They've always flown in the face of convention.

38. And from their pantheon of strangeness,

39. I've bought this...

40. A Citroen CX Safari.

41. It wasn't easy to find one, as most have been turned into motorhomes,

42. but it was worth the effort because...

43. this is perhaps the most French,

44. French car of them all.

45. Take the indicators. You operate them using this rocker switch here.

46. But because that's nowhere near the steering column,

47. the indicating doesn't self-cancel

48. after you've made the turn.

49. And then there's the stereo, which is mounted vertically between the seats.

50. And that's fine, but...

51. If you're enjoying

52. a cheeky pain au chocolat as you drive along, and a bit of pastry,

53. falls off, which it will,

54. it'll end up in the cassette player,

55. where it will

56. spoil your enjoyment of the Vanessa Paradis song

57. you were listening to.

58. It's as though Citroen's engineers

59. looked at what everyone else was doing in the 1970s

60. and then did something else.

61. Even the brake pedal's weird because

62. it's effectively a switch, the brakes are on,

63. or they're off. It's just about impossible

64. to use it properly.

65. Probably easier when you get to your destination to just...

66. Do a George Michael.

67. This is what I've chosen.

68. A Matra Murena.

69. It's from the '80s. A mid-engine, two-seater sports car.

70. Except it's got three seats.

71. I suppose maybe if my wife and my mistress

72. want to go out for a drive at the same time, I've got that covered.

73. And it's not a sports car either

74. because the engine is a tiny 1.6

75. which produces just 88 horsepower.

76. It doesn't make any sense. Matra built the Exocet missile.

77. That is a fast thing.

78. This is really not.

79. Then, there's its name.

80. Everywhere else in the world they name cars after

81. exciting animals, like Jaguar, Mustang, or exotic winds,

82. Khamsin, Scirocco.

83. Matra, no, they chose Murena,

84. which is a Latin word

85. meaning "son of a plebeian family who likes eels."

86. "Been through the dictionaries of all the languages

87. "and we have found the word.

88. "That is... Nobody will get that,

89. "that is weirder than any other name we could give it. We will have it."

90. Mind you, this car is nothing

91. compared to what May has bought.

92. Bonjour, viewers.

93. Now, back in 1998,

94. Renault told its designers that they wanted a large, luxury coupé,

95. you know, something a bit like a BMW 6 Series.

96. So, this is what they came up with.

97. The Avantime.

98. It's made almost entirely of plastic,

99. it appears to have been drawn by an eight-year-old

100. who liked high-speed trains,

101. and there are no conventional instruments.

102. There are just some digital things

103. floating around over in the middle there.

104. Look at all that dashboard that's there. It's just...

105. There's just acres of it.

106. If you wanted to wipe the windscreen because it had fogged up,

107. you couldn't do it.

108. You do get the impression that if Renault's designers were asked

109. to design, say, a new dog,

110. they'd put the head on the other end

111. and it would have two tails at the front.

112. They wouldn't be able to do a conventional dog.

113. Even the doors on this car are odd.

114. Mainly because, and I have checked this,

115. each one weighs more than Kylie Minogue.

116. That is very heavy.

117. They claim to be the heaviest car doors in the world.

118. Not much of a boast.

119. And they don't really open. That is as far as it goes. It's more ajar.

120. See that. On any sort of a slope,

121. it can actually be quite difficult to do it.

122. Bloody Nora.

123. Renault has a long history of automotive oddness.

124. In the 1950s, for example,

125. they built this.

126. It appears to be ordinary, but look closely

127. and you'll see it's all the wrong way round.

128. Mind you, that's positively straightforward

129. compared with this,

130. the Leyat Hélica.

131. Who thought, "I know, we won't drive the wheels,

132. - "no, everybody's doing that." - No, no, no, no.

133. "We'll be propelled along by a propeller?"

134. If you're driving through a town center, for example,

135. - what would happen...

136. If you knock someone over in a car, it's bad.

137. But if you knock someone over in that...

138. No kidneys, liver, offal,

139. - "No, there's another one..." - No. They've thought about this

140. because it's got the propeller,

141. but they've put bits of wire

142. so nobody could put their hand or head through

143. - or anything like that.

144. It's perfectly...

145. Has it got a rear seat?

146. This is a two-seater, Hammond, unlike your Matra.

147. Would you get in there

148. knowing you have absolutely no control over any of that?

149. A car with just pedals.

150. It's not like an airplane where you've got dual controls.

151. - It would be mad... - You just sit there.

152. I think it's brilliant.

153. - It is brilliant. - I mean, look,

154. I admire it, but...

155. Did they take it on the Dragon's Den?

156. "Here is my thought for a way of traveling."

157. - But hang on a minute... - Do you think it works?

158. Well, I'm sure it does.

159. Hang on, look, there's...

160. You don't start it with a key. There'll be some fiddling.

161. "Advance" and "Retard." I'll retard it.

162. Are you gonna prime it?

163. Compression point is there. Ready?

164. I don't know what's gonna happen! How can I be ready?

165. - Got your feet on the brakes? - Am I ready?

166. - Yes. - The thing's not moving.

167. - I've got everything. Yeah, go. - That's the concern. And...

168. - Oh, wow. - It didn't go.

169. Try again.

170. - Contact? - Yes.

171. - Mags on? - Yes.

172. - Feet on brakes? - Yes.

173. - I'm gonna do it.

174. - It won't start. - Are you ready?

175. I really thought that was it.

176. It's the definition of anti-climax, isn't it?

177. This would be a great ambulance. Or fire engine.

178. - Brilliant. - Yeah.

179. - Throttle set? - Yes.

180. - Here we go. - Yes.

181. - Don't worry,

182. Monsieur Hélica is on his way as the emergency vehicle.

183. "Don't worry. How big is the fire?"

184. Hang on.

185. "These pains in your chest,

186. are they getting worse or better?"

187. Right, mag on.

188. I'll tell you what, a stall at the lights would be a bugger, wouldn't it?

189. "I'll just... Excuse me..."

190. 'Cause it's a two-man job.

191. That's a good position. Here we go.

192. All right, here we go.

193. - Go!

194. I think I'll take it for a drive!

195. - What? - I'm gonna take it for a drive!

196. What, you? Run! Run for your life!

197. When it was unveiled to the world, 600 people put their name down for one.

198. Six hundred sentient human beings,

199. who could tie their own shoe laces and use a lavatory, said,

200. "Yes, I want one of those."

201. It's very hard to see why it didn't catch on.

202. It is quite loud in here, surprisingly so.

203. That could be a factor.

204. Apparently it's good for a 106 miles an hour.

205. I reckon it can do more.

206. Come on! Come on, come on!

207. Ha-ha!

208. I think people are bored

209. of watching these crashes now, so let's move on, because...

210. even when French cars seem to be normal,

211. you don't have to look too far below the surface to find that, actually,

212. they're usually not.

213. Now, let's take this one, the Renault 4.

214. A reasonably straightforward car for the time, but...

215. The distance between the wheels on this side is 94 inches.

216. Whereas on this side, the distance between the wheels is 92 inches.

217. Why?

218. I've got no idea.

219. Then there's the Renault 21.

220. Looks boring, but it isn't,

221. because in this 1.7-liter model, the engine is sideways,

222. whereas in this 2-liter model,

223. it's lengthwise.

224. That meant this needed, longer wings and a different bonnet

225. - and a different subframe...

226. - Hammond's just crashed, hasn't he? - Yep.

227. Anyway, this was an extremely complicated

228. and expensive solution

229. to a problem that didn't exist.

230. And they're still at it today.

231. This is a brand-new Peugeot 208.

232. And for some reason, they've mounted the steering wheel

233. under the dashboard,

234. which means it has to be the size of a shirt button

235. if you're to get your legs under it.

236. Why?

237. Then there's the Citroen 2CV, which I hate.

238. This car is the harbinger of everything that's gone wrong in the world.

239. Veganism, cycling,

240. liberal democrats, people who talk about having "my truth."

241. There's no such thing. The truth is that it's awful.

242. It's not awful.

243. It's a very practical, sensible car

244. that stood the test of time for decades.

245. It survived a war, it liberated the French peasantry, it's fantastic.

246. And it's totemic. That's the most French thing.

247. If you have a themed restaurant, or you're doing a film, or painting,

248. you think, "How do I make this look French?"

249. Put a 2CV in it.

250. It doesn't have wind-down windows. Look, it's stupid.

251. Airplanes have these windows.

252. - It's a... - What airplane?

253. - I've never been on one... - My airplane's got one exactly like that.

254. This is a fantastic car. Everything in it is fit for purpose and no more.

255. I hate the expression "fit for purpose."

256. - But it is. - Hello.

257. - Where's the Hélica? - It's evidence.

258. - Let's not get bogged down with that. - I'm not.

259. We won't.

260. Because even I will admit the 2CV does have very clever suspension.

261. In fact, it's claimed

262. that you can drop one from under a helicopter at a height of 500 feet

263. and the springs will absorb the impact.

264. Really?

265. Well, let's find out.

266. Okay, and...

267. Let it go.

268. There it is.

269. Yeah, what's happened is,

270. I've misread the handbook.

271. It says that "the suspension is so compliant,

272. "you can drive across a ploughed field

273. "with half-a-dozen eggs on the seat and they won't break."

274. And how did you misread that?

275. Well, in my mind, "oeuf" is the French word for "helicopter."

276. But...

277. At this point, I figured it was best to move on

278. and examine the relationship the French have with their cars.

279. Because it's nothing like the relationship we have with ours.

280. Now, if I were in

281. my car, I'd look at that space and go,

282. "That's too small," and then I'd go find another.

283. But that's not what a French person would do.

284. There's nothing extreme about this maneuver in France.

285. This is how you park.

286. You would see this any day of the week

287. on any street in Paris.

288. It's actually for precisely this reason

289. that the Renault 5 was the first production car

290. in the world with deformable bumpers.

291. There's more, too. I've just bought this dishwasher.

292. And as you can see, it doesn't quite fit in the boot of this Peugeot.

293. I'm British,

294. so what I'd do is go and buy a smaller dishwasher,

295. or I'd borrow a slightly bigger car,

296. or I'd probably have it delivered.

297. What the French would do is this,

298. "Oh, merde."

299. Has my car stopped moving?

300. Yes. Am I close to where I wanna be?

301. Yes.

302. Well, then I'm parked.

303. The fact is, that in France, unlike almost

304. anywhere else, the car is simply

305. not seen as a status symbol.

306. If you buy an expensive car, it's considered bourgeois.

307. And if you look after it,

308. that's disgusting.

309. And the world of Premier League football backs this up, because what I have here

310. is a photograph of Willian, who's Brazilian,

311. driving his Bentley.

312. And then there's Ibrahimovic, who's Swedish, he has a Lamborghini.

313. Ozil, who's German, has a Porsche.

314. Marcus Rashford, who's British, has some kind of trixied-up Range Rover.

315. And then I've got a photograph here of Kante, who's French,

316. driving his MINI.

317. That he's crashed slightly, probably while parking.

318. And you might say, "What about the President?"

319. "No way is he going to drive around

320. "in a small hatchback."

321. Wrong! Because what I've got here

322. is a photograph of President Mitterrand

323. in a Renault 5!

324. Look at that!

325. "No, I don't have a chauffeur

326. "and I don't want a big car.

327. "It's bourgeois. It is revolting.

328. "How you say,

329. "the sick."

330. This is why no French car maker

331. has ever made a large off-roader.

332. The Americans have. The Japanese have.

333. The Swedes have.

334. The Germans have. We have.

335. Even the Italians have.

336. But not the French.

337. Their view is that

338. if you want to go to the top of that hill over there,

339. you'd just use your normal family car.

340. Was talking to a girl in our office

341. the other day, who's French.

342. And she was saying that her parents have never sold a car.

343. Buy a Renault 5, run it until it breaks,

344. scrap it, and then buy a Renault Clio and run it until it breaks

345. and scrap it, and so on and so forth.

346. If you're not worried about the second-hand value of your car,

347. it's so liberating.

348. In France, just four percent of people

349. wash their cars by hand.

350. Four percent. That's it.

351. On a Sunday morning, what you would not do in France

352. is get up early to wash your car on the drive

353. because your neighbors will hate you.

354. All those Sunday mornings I've got up early to wash...

355. Oh.

356. I'll just give him a hand through here.

357. Lovely.

358. Merci, monsieur.

359. I'm looking at Hammond's car.

360. It's all stoved in from Jeremy's push.

361. And I'm wincing. Because I'm British, but...

362. If you're French, that's just what a car looks like.

363. Look, now we are going into the woods.

364. Can I clear that tree?

365. Driving along in my car,

366. going where I need to go.

367. If I was coming down here in a 100-thousand-pound Mercedes G-Wagon

368. I'd be worried about scratching the paint.

369. But I'm not in a G-Wagon, I'm in my van.

370. I mean, paint is, to the French,

371. the wrapper that the car comes in when it's new.

372. When I was 17,

373. on a French exchange trip,

374. I was staying with a French family. They had a son my age.

375. And they bought him a brand-new Fiat Panda.

376. I mean, a new car.

377. And as we sat outside in the sun, me and them,

378. his kid brother, five years old, was throwing stones

379. - at the Panda...

380. And a chip of paint would come off.

381. Well, if that had been me

382. at 17 with a brand-new car, I would have beaten him to death

383. with anything that came to hand.

384. This 17-year-old lad didn't care.

385. "He's flicking stones at the car."

386. "It makes a nice noise as the paint comes off."

387. What?

388. Soon, we reached the halfway point,

389. where I demonstrated the Citroen Berlingo's party trick.

390. It's John!

391. And then, after I'd ruined the handbrake...

392. We joined a sort of rally track.

393. What we're proving here, I think, is that a car's ability to get places

394. and do things is governed entirely

395. by the driver's willingness not to care about it.

396. Please don't be alarmed by those noises.

397. They don't really mean anything.

398. This is only what a typical French person would do

399. on a rally in Africa

400. in their mum's Renault 4.

401. It was, let us not forget,

402. the French who invented endurance rallies.

403. Such as the Paris-Peking.

404. the Paris-Dakar,

405. and all the other Trans-Africa races.

406. And, most importantly,

407. they usually used what was parked in the drive.

408. Well, this is bumpy enough to dislodge your "Gaulois."

409. Ah!

410. Merde.

411. Merci.

412. Ooh, la, la!

413. Au revoir, monsieur.

414. Merci, monsieur!

415. Well, this is une pièce de gâteau so far.

416. Oh, that's a...

417. Monsieur May!

418. Go on.

419. Oh, dear. Oh, merde.

420. Bonjour, monsieur.

421. As we got closer to the summit,

422. the going got even tougher.

423. Now this is an inconvenience.

424. The windscreen.

425. Right, this way.

426. Oh, no, my dishwasher.

427. Hello.

428. My family car can go down here no problem at all.

429. I don't see... Why do I need a G-Wagon?

430. Oh.

431. Merde.

432. Allez!

433. Jesus! Fuck! Bloody hellfire!

434. I've lost the electrically-powered

435. door mirror on the left-hand side,

436. but the manual one is still there.

437. I can't open the window to adjust my mirror,

438. but that's okay because it's gone.

439. Eventually, with the glorious Welsh hills

440. bathed in warm afternoon light,

441. we reached the end of our leisurely drive.

442. Hammond.

443. - Wow. Look at the view over there. - That is... -

444. - That is just something else. - Look... It's even got a house

445. like it's been designed for a train set.

446. - It's just perfect. - Absolutely gorgeous.

447. Oh, hello.

448. - Bonjour, monsieur. - I mean, look at that.

449. Unbelievable, isn't it?

450. And I tell you what's interesting.

451. The crew, using all those four-by-fours, they've made it.

452. - Yeah. - But, so have we.

453. - Exactly. - Yeah.

454. Some damage was done.

455. - Wear and tear. - It's patina.

456. It's what happens. The French might be right.

457. I think they are.

458. - I just had a thought. - What?

459. Your dishwasher.

460. Oh, God. Because Hammond drove into me.

461. I'm sorry about that.

462. Where's your boot release?

463. - Is it in the door? - Yes.

464. - Right. - That's a design flaw.

465. The next day, we set off in our own cars

466. to the next destination.

467. And on the way, we began to realize their strangeness

468. was actually making them more endearing.

469. Obviously, you don't need two windscreen wipers, just the one.

470. And you put the washer in the wiper blade itself,

471. because why would you not do that?

472. It's different. It's interesting.

473. Then there's the door mirrors.

474. So good and so futuristic-looking,

475. that they were used on the Aston Martin Vantage,

476. the Venturi Atlantique, the Renault Sport Spider,

477. the Lotus Esprit,

478. the Jaguar XJ-220 and most TVRs.

479. On the one hand, this steering wheel is typically French.

480. It's weird. It's got one spoke

481. and it's sort of deep-dish and a flat bottom.

482. On the other hand,

483. it's brilliant. It's the perfect size, perfect thickness, perfect diameter,

484. and I can see the dials 'cause there isn't a spoke in the way.

485. I mean, in many ways, the weirdness makes them more likeable.

486. What we see as bloody-mindedness is actually innovation,

487. because the French have been pioneers in motoring.

488. It wasn't gonna be us.

489. We were making the Morris Marina.

490. And don't think it's just the cars that are odd.

491. Some of their rules of the road are quite strange as well.

492. For example, the French believed, unlike everyone else,

493. that white headlights were wrong

494. and that they should be yellow.

495. And if you like driving along to music,

496. there's a rule which says that 35 percent of pop songs

497. played on French radio

498. must be French.

499. Is that how it's supposed to be

500. or has un morceau de pain au chocolat tombéed

501. into my stereo again?

502. There you go, that was from the country that gave you Debussy and Messiaen.

503. One of my favorite French things is their slovenly attitude

504. to road signs. I mean, take this one as an example.

505. You see this all over France.

506. What it says is that the town hall is that way

507. and everything else, "Toutes Directions,"

508. everything else is over there. India, Paris,

509. Kamchatka Peninsula,

510. whatever it is you want, just there, go away.

511. And then there's the issue of how to use a roundabout.

512. Everywhere else in the world,

513. countries decided that cars should give way to those already on it.

514. But not the French.

515. They decided to do it the other way round.

516. So, cars on the roundabout would stop for those wanting to get on.

517. Like this.

518. Carry on.

519. Carry on.

520. Why would they think this was the right way to do it?

521. The point of a roundabout is to avoid this.

522. Did you know that half the world's roundabouts are in France?

523. Is that really true?

524. Is it half of all the world's roundabouts

525. are in a country that doesn't know what it is?

526. Yeah. It's a fact.

527. I mean, it doesn't work.

528. I'm trying to get out of here.

529. This is what happens.

530. I'm doing the roundabout the French way to see if it works...

531. I don't care. Look, you're queued up here.

532. This is what happens.

533. vehicle.

534. That's exactly what's gonna happen.

535. Hammond's being beaten up by the locals. I don't blame them.

536. move it.

537. Eventually, we did move it

538. because it was time to find somewhere for that most French of things...

539. Lunch.

540. Where we discussed another aspect of French car culture.

541. Can I just show you something, Hammond?

542. This is, as you can see here,

543. a list of French philosophers, okay, on Wikipedia.

544. Oh, my God!

545. - Well, it doesn't really... - I'm only at "G."

546. That's basically everybody in France.

547. - That's incredible. - On and on.

548. I bet the Australian list is a bit shorter.

549. I'm staggered.

550. 'Cause you know in French secondary schools,

551. it's compulsory to study philosophy.

552. - For everyone? - Yeah.

553. I bring this up because I've been reading this book by

554. Roland... Is it "Barth" or "Barthes"?

555. Waterland boy, which one is it?

556. That.

557. And he says,

558. "I think cars today are almost the exact equivalent of the great Gothic cathedrals.

559. "I mean, the supreme creation of an era,

560. "conceived with passion by artists

561. "and consumed in image if not in usage

562. "by a population which appropriates them

563. "as a purely magical object."

564. They don't review cars like we do, then.

565. No. What we tend to do is mention the top speed.

566. - Naught to sixty, the price. - Stick the tail out.

567. A couple of silly metaphors.

568. - Back to the studio. - Job done.

569. No. I'll give you another bit here from him.

570. "They are in the Citroen the beginnings of a new phenomenology

571. "of assembling, as if one progressed from a world where elements were welded

572. "to a world where they are juxtaposed."

573. What's the naught to sixty?

574. He doesn't mention it.

575. Could you imagine what a review of that Mégane would look like on French TV?

576. It'd be completely incomprehensible.

577. It is truth

578. So, I think what we're able to deduce from that French road test

579. is that the Megane

580. is wistful and cynical,

581. but with a hint of levity,

582. as suggested by that balloon.

583. Now, though, it's time to examine

584. a more down-to-earth aspect of French cars,

585. namely their famed ride quality.

586. The elasticity of the air and the flexibility of water

587. are combined for your comfort in the Citroen hydro-pneumatic suspension.

588. The fact is that because the roads were so poor

589. in post-war France,

590. the French car makers

591. were forced to develop suspension systems that could cope.

592. As I clearly stated earlier,

593. the Citroen 2CV was capable of transporting

594. a basket of eggs across a plowed field

595. without breaking them.

596. And as for my CX,

597. well, it's literally the best-riding car

598. ever made.

599. Okay, picture the scene.

600. You're lying on a day bed on a tropical beach.

601. It's warm, and all you can hear are the wavelets caressing the white sand.

602. You had half a bottle of wine

603. at lunch time and there's nothing to do all afternoon

604. but snooze.

605. That is what it's like to drive a Citroen CX.

606. It is incredibly comfortable.

607. In fact, it's said

608. that the hydro-pneumatic system in my Citroen is so good

609. that two people can sit in the boot and defuse a bomb

610. while the car is being driven at speed down a cobbled street.

611. Are you sure it said that?

612. Yes, absolutely.

613. The suspension system in this was so good

614. Citroen sold it to Rolls-Royce, who used it in the Shadow.

615. So, are you ready?

616. Because we are about to hit the cobbles, now.

617. Okay, this needs absolute delicacy and precision.

618. Yep.

619. God, this is like doing eye surgery.

620. - One wrong move... - Steady.

621. Okay, very carefully,

622. if I just separate these wires,

623. just a millimeter at a time.

624. We have to work out... At least one of them is just a fake.

625. No sudden jolts.

626. Eight seconds to go. I'm gonna have to make a decision.

627. That's not the car shaking, that's me.

628. I should do it now.

629. I'm gonna do it.

630. - Have you done it? - Oh, well done. Yes.

631. - Excellent. So, there we are. - Were we moving?

632. Exactly.

633. Exactly my point.

634. And to hammer the point home still further,

635. we put the same sort of bomb

636. in the back of a BMW

637. and asked two office juniors to see if they could defuse it.

638. - Just snip it! - I can't snip it!

639. I can't get on the wire!

640. hell!

641. So, there we are.

642. If you want a job on The Grand Tour, write to us at

643. "I'd die for a job on that show."

644. It's sad, 'cause they were good kids.

645. I thought they were gonna go places.

646. I never wanted to inhale them.

647. Well, they have...

648. After writing some tricky letters to the boys' parents...

649. We headed to Kent for our next important experiment.

650. And on the way, we examined a French characteristic

651. we very much admire,

652. their willful refusal to be governed.

653. De Gaulle once famously asked,

654. "How can you rule a country that has 246 different types of cheese?"

655. Well, the truth, it seems is...

656. You can't.

657. When we introduced the points system on driving licenses

658. in Britain in 1988,

659. everyone just went, "Okay."

660. But when they introduced a similar system in France

661. in the 1990s,

662. everyone immediately got into their cars and blockaded the motorways.

663. That wasn't organized by social media

664. 'cause that didn't exist back then. It was just instinctive.

665. When the head of Renault, Georges Besse,

666. laid off 21,000 staff in 1986,

667. they didn't go outside and fire up the brazier.

668. They shot him.

669. Back in 2019,

670. the French government decided to reduce the speed limit

671. on all their major A roads to 50 miles an hour.

672. The French people responded by putting their yellow vests on...

673. And then going out and destroying

674. 60 percent of the speed cameras in the whole country.

675. Sixty percent!

676. And when they put cameras on porticos over the autoroute

677. to catch truckers breaking some new eco law,

678. they didn't destroy 60 percent of them,

679. they destroyed the lot.

680. I'm just thinking, I quite admire

681. the French bloody-mindedness, you know.

682. I absolutely love it.

683. Is it true that when they tried to introduce wheel clamps,

684. people just filled the locks with glue

685. so they had to be cut away and were useless?

686. If I was French now, I'd be a doing 120 miles an hour.

687. I wish my car could do 120 miles an hour.

688. Soon, we arrived at the rally cross circuit

689. known as Lydden Hill.

690. The laboratory for our next experiment.

691. Oh.

692. We all know that when it comes to hot hatches,

693. the French are the kings.

694. But which one is the best?

695. Well, that's what we're here to find out, using the crucible of motorsport.

696. That seems fitting as the French pretty much invented motorsport.

697. The first ever race was held there.

698. Grand Prix are French words. Le Mans is in France.

699. The governing body of all world motorsport is based in Paris.

700. And certainly today, we shall be adhering to French rules.

701. The plan is simple. A 20-lap race.

702. I shall be driving a Peugeot 205 GTi 1.6.

703. Jeremy, a Peugeot 306, GTi 6.

704. And James will be driving a Renault Sport Clio 172 Cup.

705. We will be up against a Saxo VTS,

706. a 206 GTi,

707. and a Renault Sport Mégane

708. which will be driven by three people from the office.

709. Our script editor, because he wrote this bit,

710. our production assistant, because she's French,

711. and finally, Abbie, our in-house racing driver.

712. With all of us in our cars...

713. The important experiment could finally begin.

714. We are away.

715. Lunch, I think.

716. Over in the paddock, some simple track-side food was available.

717. James, do you want a Châteauneuf-du-Pape or a Petrus '62?

718. In the middle of a race?

719. Well, no, you say that,

720. but in France, alcohol is banned in the workplace, you're right,

721. but you are allowed to drink wine,

722. beer or brandy.

723. So, they said, "You cannot drink alcohol apart from beer,

724. - "wine and brandy." - "Which is what we make."

725. - You can't drink gin or vodka. - Yeah. Foreign alcohol.

726. Yes.

727. My favorite law in France is the one

728. that prevents you from sending work emails at a weekend.

729. - You're not allowed to? - By law.

730. So you can enjoy le weekend?

731. Yeah. Exactly that.

732. Can I just say, I'm currently in second place in this race.

733. I'm last. I messed up the start...

734. I've told you before, a 205 GTi, great car,

735. but not as great as the 306 GTi.

736. Yeah, because the world agrees with that theory.

737. Oh, no, wait, everybody agrees the 205 is the definitive hot hatch.

738. - I agree, it is a definitive hot hatch. - It can't be a definitive hot hatch.

739. - It's the... - But very few people realize

740. the 306 GTi, the one I'm driving,

741. is actually the best French hot hatch of them all.

742. Word about that somehow didn't get out?

743. - Nobody realizes. - Therefore...

744. It's like the Sex Pistols and the New York Dolls.

745. After lunch was over and we'd had a little nap,

746. - the race resumed.

747. We are away.

748. This is tight.

749. Now I'm eating proper French dust.

750. Marguerite, a French intern, in the 206 GTi.

751. But just as things were hotting up,

752. there was a problem.

753. Wait a minute. What's going on here?

754. What's happenin'?

755. Well, it looks like the marshals have gone on strike.

756. In the confusion, James took the opportunity to make up three places.

757. Liberté! Liberté! Liberté! Liberté!

758. Oh, dear, there's a lot of bother going on, look.

759. What could they have gone on strike about?

760. It's always difficult to know with the French.

761. Fishing quotas, land,

762. speed cameras.

763. This just feels like home.

764. Eventually, though, after the race director had been murdered,

765. they went back to their posts so the race could begin again.

766. Right, just to be absolutely clear, all the cars here are excellent

767. because they're all French hot hatchbacks.

768. But mine is the best.

769. It's got no ABS, it's got no traction control, and I've spun!

770. Seven thousand RPM.

771. Hundred and sixty seven horsepowers unleashed!

772. Richard Hammond will now be moaning about a lack of horsepower.

773. Now, I am down on power. I only have 104 brake horsepower.

774. Porter completely killed me.

775. That was a very French move from the scriptwriter there.

776. Out of the way! Out of the way!

777. Oh, it's her! The French woman.

778. I ought to point out that Marguerite's never really done this before,

779. so she is a natural French lunatic.

780. Although she did make a slight error there and I'll hammer her.

781. Bonjour, madame!

782. Whoa!

783. As Hammond and May battled with the office staff,

784. Abbie and I were up front fighting for the lead.

785. Determined face.

786. Speed!

787. You may be a racing driver, but I've got 40 more horsepower than you.

788. Oh, no. Hang on.

789. Ah. Think my dash appears to be coming off,

790. but I'd say that wasn't necessary.

791. French cars tend to shed the stuff you can lose.

792. Bumpers, electric windows, all that sort of stuff.

793. What you're left with is, actually, an incredibly tough drivetrain, engine.

794. Whoa. Monsieur Le Porter.

795. Right, this is my chance.

796. - Ooh, Not my chance.

797. Yep, she gave me the finger. She is definitely a French woman.

798. That's the real deal there.

799. God, this thing's so good.

800. Oh, she's cocked it up!

801. Go away in a reproductive manner.

802. Whoa!

803. As we entered the closing laps,

804. I finally overtook James' much more powerful Renault.

805. Stealing a line from James then. "Come on, little Pug."

806. But then...

807. Oh!

808. I've died.

809. What's happened here?

810. Oh, dear.

811. It's gone on strike.

812. As the race entered the final two laps,

813. James was still being humiliated

814. by the brilliantly-entertaining French novice.

815. And I was still fighting Abbie for the win.

816. AND BEFORE YOU JUMP ON TWITTER,

817. YES, WE KNOW HE'S BELGIAN.

818. Damn it!

819. Oh, balls!

820. Whoa!

821. Yes. The mighty Peugeot is in the lead!

822. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

823. No!

824. So, the Saxo won.

825. But it doesn't matter

826. because all of us had had so much fun.

827. And...

828. we'd made an important point.

829. The French can make spectacular cars when they're not being bonkers.

830. But here's the thing.

831. Sometimes they can make spectacular cars

832. when they are.

833. CITROЁN SM

834. Welcome, everyone, to the most magnificent French car of them all.

835. The SM.

836. A Citroen coupé with a 2.7 liter

837. Maserati V-6 under the bonnet.

838. This, in essence, really, is Franco-Italian.

839. And that can work.

840. Jean Alesi, he's Franco-Italian,

841. so is Olivier Giroud, Eric Cantona, David Ginola.

842. That worked well.

843. Yeah. So what you got in one of these

844. was French complexity and Italian fragility.

845. Yeah. Yeah.

846. To give you an example of the complexity, it doesn't have a throttle linkage,

847. as such. Well, it does,

848. but you get a rod, then a bit of cable,

849. then another rod, then it goes through the exhaust.

850. - It does.

851. - And then it comes out. - It's basically engine-out.

852. And here's another good one, all the wiring under the bonnet is black,

853. so you've no idea where it's going or where it came from.

854. It's just all black. I don't know.

855. They don't really work.

856. I love the "stop" light there.

857. The biggest stop sign.

858. - Yeah, it doesn't even... - "Just stop!"

859. "One of a number of things has gone wrong again."

860. - That's what it says.

861. "This is a really big light to tell you, inevitably, stop."

862. "What did you expect?

863. "Here is the moment you knew was coming.

864. "And you must stop instantly or die."

865. But... can we just mention the looks?

866. It's one of the best-looking cars ever made.

867. Some angles, there's a sort of gawkiness to it,

868. which is, I know we've said it before, but real, true beauty isn't just

869. - that sort of Internet, fake... - No.

870. perfectly-symmetrical. This has an angularity to it.

871. Oh, it's stunning.

872. I'll tell you what I love, is the list of people who owned an SM.

873. - Is it good? - Oh, eclectic.

874. You've got Graham Greene, Brezhnev,

875. Haile Selassie,

876. Lee Majors, The Six Million Dollar Man, John Barry,

877. the guy who wrote the Bond stuff.

878. Idi Amin had seven of them.

879. Seven SMs.

880. Just on the off-chance one of them worked.

881. But this is the really interesting one.

882. Bill Wyman from The Stones,

883. okay, Adam Clayton from U2

884. and Guy Berryman from Coldplay.

885. They're all bassists and they all had SMs.

886. That's because nobody ever looks at the bassists.

887. They're always standing at the back.

888. "Stop looking at the lead singer.

889. - "I've got a sodding SM." - "Look at me!"

890. Yes!

891. - I love this car. - I really want one.

892. I can feel the vibe of a man wanting something coming from over there.

893. And I think you should have one so I can look at it.

894. It's so special.

895. And I wanna be the kind of person that would,

896. well, set out

897. - to turn up in one. - Yeah, you'd never get there.

898. - No. - But you'd be an optimist.

899. People would see you

900. and assume you were just an optimistic idiot.

901. - Yes. - Which I kind of am.

902. You know, we started out by asking,

903. "What is the matter with the French?"

904. And the answer is,

905. not much, not really.

906. We like their food, their wine, their bloody-mindedness,

907. and, it turns out,

908. we like a lot of their cars as well.

909. But we don't want you to get the impression we like all of them.

910. Because we don't.

911. This is the Citroen Pluriel, which we hate,

912. partly because it's horrid, but mainly...

913. because of its stupid roof.

914. Now, you probably think the roof has folded away cleverly

915. like it does with a normal convertible.

916. But it hasn't.

917. It's right here.

918. You have to take it off entirely.

919. If you get up in the morning and think, "It's sunny, I'll take the roof off"

920. and then it starts raining, what do you do?

921. What if you set off and you think,

922. "The sun's come out, I'll take the roof off",

923. where do you put it? It is genuine French idiocy.

924. We should send that miserable thing back to France

925. and tell them to keep it.

926. It's funny you should say that 'cause France is, what,

927. 25 miles away? You can virtually see it from here.

928. - It's not far, is it? - No.

929. If only we had something that could fling it that far.

930. Wait a minute!

931. Oh, yeah!

932. At more than 60 feet tall and weighing 32 tons,

933. our trebuchet was certainly big enough for the job.

934. However, it's quite a faff to load and cock it,

935. which means bringing in some machinery.

936. KATO

937. Oh, yes.

938. I love cranes, me.

939. Where's James?

940. Hang on.

941. Having moved faster than he had done at any point in the show,

942. James then set about attaching the trebuchet

943. to the hook on Hammond's crane.

944. Thank you.

945. He is wearing a harness, isn't he?

946. Oh, of course. He's more than six feet up.

947. - Are you hooked? - Are we on?

948. Yeah.

949. With that done, we needed someone practical

950. to explain the engineering behind our incredible machine.

951. Right, so here's how it works.

952. Hammond will lift this up, and this...

953. 12-ton weight

954. will go...

955. Or will it go that way?

956. No, this way.

957. The arm will come down,

958. and then we attach the cable to the end of the arm...

959. to the car?

960. With all that cleared up,

961. he went off to get the Pluriel.

962. What are you doing?

963. - It goes at the other end. - Jeremy, that's the wrong end!

964. - What? - It's in the wrong place.

965. It's gotta be at the other end.

966. No, France is that way.

967. It's pulled underneath and then goes over.

968. - It starts that side. - So then it goes...

969. - Like that. - It doesn't start here?

970. No. It starts over there.

971. No!

972. Oh, quality work.

973. That's it. No, it isn't.

974. Genius.

975. - Hasn't he got one of these at home? - Yeah.

976. - Whoops.

977. Yeah, that's better.

978. - When a heart surgeon finishes the job... - Yeah?

979. Attach an artery to an artery

980. and then they stitch it, it doesn't look like this.

981. What?

982. That's clearly not precision work been taking place, has it?

983. Yes.

984. Just pickin' it up!

985. - Stop. - Stop. Stop. Stop.

986. God, this is complicated!

987. Stop.

988. It turns out we three are pretty manly.

989. Oh, yeah!

990. With the, um, heavy bit

991. lifted into position and the car attached

992. to something important,

993. we were finally ready for launch.

994. So the car, when I pull this, goes round, loops round

995. - and goes to France? - Yep.

996. - Exactly. - And if it works,

997. it'll be the fastest Pluriel ever.

998. By a long way.

999. Are we all ready?

1000. Take up the slack.

1001. Here he comes.

1002. - That happens. - Taking up some more slack.

1003. Manly, you know.

1004. Here he comes again.

1005. - Keep, keep... - It's elastic.

1006. Oh.

1007. - We've got the wrong rope. - I'll go,

1008. "Three, two, one," do it, we give it a...

1009. Ready? Three, two, one.

1010. - There it goes!

1011. - Whoa! - There it goes!

1012. - Yes!

1013. PluRiel

1014. Oh, good, there it is. I've got it, I've got it. There it is. Geez.

1015. Hang on.

1016. Where's it gone? Anyone see it?

1017. There!

1018. Oh, shit.

1019. Right, well, on that terrible disappointment...

1020. For Louis.

1021. - Who's Louis? - Him.

1022. For Louis, it's time to end.

1023. Thank you so much for watching.

1024. We'll see you next time. Take care.

1025. - Won't be in France, though, will we? - No, no, maybe not for a bit.

1026. No.