1. Hello, and welcome to what is very
obviously the South of France.
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2. Except this isn't
the South of France
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3. where there are carefully
designed topless swimsuits
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4. and Russian billionaires
turn up on super yachts.
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5. This isn't even
in the same hemisphere.
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6. This is 5,700 miles south
of the South of France.
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7. It's a tiny volcanic island
in the Indian Ocean called Réunion.
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8. It is weird, isn't it? Cos this isn't like
a French protectorate.
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9. It's actually France.
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10. - You know the flight from Paris to here?
- Yeah.
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11. The longest internal flight
in the world.
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12. Because it is an internal.
France to France.
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13. And because of
the time difference,
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14. this was the first place in the world
where a euro exchange happened.
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15. Yes, and wasn't it
for, like, a bag of lychees? It was.
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16. - Ooh, that was a bit good.
- Nice one, mate.
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17. Did you just see that shot?
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18. In order to blend
with the Côte d'Azur vibe,
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19. I've come here with
a V8 Bentley Continental.
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20. Now, I'll admit that Bentley forged its
reputation many years ago at Le Mans,
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21. which is in the north
of France.
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22. But it's changed since then.
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23. Now it's the most South of
France brand of them all.
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24. The recipe's
still the same, though.
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25. It's a big, heavy suet
pudding of torque and opulence.
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26. Yeah. (LAUGHS)
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27. This is the first time ever
on our adventures
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28. when I've had a proper,
functioning, decent car.
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29. Whatever Mr Wilman has in mind,
this'll be... perfect.
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30. Yeah, but this is better.
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31. This is a Ford Focus RS,
the latest version.
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32. 350 brake horsepower from a four-cylinder
turbo-charged engine.
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33. It's light, 1500 kilos,
and it's clever.
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34. It has torque vectoring. It can send up to
70% of the total power to the rear axle.
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35. And it can divert 100%
of that to one wheel.
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36. I love those crackles
and bangs on the overrun.
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37. It's just... Yeah, it brings
out the yobbo in me.
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38. Hello, viewers.
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39. And as you would imagine,
I've done this properly.
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40. I've come in this.
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41. This is a Caterham.
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42. It is a 310R, to be precise.
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43. It is a bit of a faff getting in,
admittedly, but once you are in,
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44. the rewards are enormous
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45. because this car
was born in the '50s,
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46. designed by Colin Chapman
as a self-assembly xweekend racing car.
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47. This is the sort of thing
that enthusiasts online go on about.
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48. You even have to put
the steering wheel on.
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49. Then you just close the door, clip it in
place and we'll be on our way.
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50. - It's nice this, mate, innit?
- Bloody fabulous.
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51. I wonder why they fitted the kill
switch on the outside? (ENGINE CUTS OUT)
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52. Oh...
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53. I'll put it there
so you don't lose it.
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54. Right, gotta get on.
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55. - Don't be a cock, Hammond.
- (LAUGHS)
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56. Leaving aside the unfortunate
position of the kill switch,
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57. I can think of no better car
for these fantastic roads.
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58. If you like the sensations
of driving, you know,
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59. like turning the wheel and changing the
gears and pressing the pedals,
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60. you want one of these.
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61. Doesn't have traction
control, doesn't have brake assist,
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62. doesn't have
adaptive suspension,
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63. it doesn't have
flappy paddles.
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64. It doesn't even
have air bags.
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65. It's just a car.
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66. Absolutely perfect.
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67. Having introduced our cars to this
tropical island, we all met up.
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68. It's so nice to be back
in the EU, sun shining.
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69. Beautiful views,
great coffee.
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70. Oh, here comes ASBO boy!
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71. How's your ankle bracelet
in this heat?
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72. Yeah, I just grew one as soon as I sat
down in it. It just formed on my leg.
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73. Now this is the coast road around the
north, sort of northwest of the island.
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74. And there are
a lot of rockfalls on it.
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75. They've tried to solve the problem by
dangling wire meshdown the side of the
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76. cliffs, but that hasn't
really worked.
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77. So the solution they've come
up with is... pretty radical.
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78. What the French are building here
is a ring road in the sea.
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79. Designed to cope with 30-foot
waves and win votes,
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80. this engineering masterpiece
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81. cost £112 million
per kilometre
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82. and it's 12 kilometres long.
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83. It is, then, the most
expensive piece of Tarmac in the world.
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84. I was just thinking
this incredibly expensive,
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85. mind-bogglingly complicated
stretch of road
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86. could serve a useful purpose.
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87. Mm. Mm.
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88. And so...
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89. I don't really know how to
call this, to be honest.
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90. I've got the least power but
I've got the least weight.
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91. Hammond and I both have
turbo-charging and four-wheel drive
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92. and you don't want either of
those things in a drag race.
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93. He, however,
has got launch control.
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94. Not that he knows how it
works, I should imagine.
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95. Trip... I don't want trip.
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96. Settings.
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97. Driver assist.
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98. Launch control.
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99. So it's...
Oh, no, it's cut out. Wait.
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100. Jeremy Clarkson's
actually got out of the car.
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101. Driver assist.
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102. Launch control.
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103. Hammond's
launch control is...
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104. - Really?
- Yes.
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105. Launch control
is troublesome.
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106. That's odd,
because he's so useful at...
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107. - What's that do?
- Leave it. (ENGINE CUTS OUT)
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108. - What is it?
- It's... You know what it is.
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109. - I don't know what it is.
- Stop being an arse.
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110. It's turned the engine...
Why is the ignition key on the outside?
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111. It's in case
you have a crash.
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112. It's really annoying.
Mustn't lose that.
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113. When James
had reassembled his car
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114. and Richard
had sorted out his tech,
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115. we were ready to go.
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116. This Frenchman
in the yellow vest...
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117. is he going to start the race, do you
think, or throw a petrol bomb at me?
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118. Trois, deux, un!
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119. - (SQUEAL OF TYRES)
- Bloody hell.
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120. They got a better start.
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121. Second, I'm rowing it through
as quickly as I can. I am in front.
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122. It's only 152 horsepower.
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123. Now time to deploy
the speed and power...
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124. Bit late on that shift.
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125. Oh, I'm sorry.
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126. Stay... Oh, goddamn it!
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127. I'm losing.
I'm losing.
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128. I'm the first person
to lose on this road.
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129. Oooh!
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130. The inaugural Réunion
coastal road drag race
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131. was just ripped into
by the Bentley.
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132. Is it the face?
Is it the face?
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133. Yeah, it's the face.
It's the face.
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134. After christening the
ring road with our important drag race,
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135. we received a text
from Mr Wilman.
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136. And he was telling us to report to a
cemetery in the town of Saint-Paul
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137. where we would
receive further instructions.
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138. Chaps.
- What?
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139. I have in my hand
a piece of paper.
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140. - Is it from Neville?
- It is from Neville, actually.
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141. It says, "In 1730 on Réunion,
a man called La Buse..."
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142. That's him in there.
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143. ".. was hanged for crimes
of piracy."
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144. So this is La Buse. He was...
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145. What was he?
He had a pirate fleet.
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146. - You know about this man?
- Yes.
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147. He was called The Buzzard.
Big nose he had as well.
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148. There is more on Neville's piece of paper
if you could just keep quiet for a moment.
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149. It says, "On his way to the scaffold he
threw a coded message into the crowd
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150. that explained where
he had buried his treasure.
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151. A copy of that message is
included in your pack."
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152. Is that it?
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153. That's it, yes.
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154. - Well, it's just garbage.
- No, but here's the good bit.
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155. "It's reckoned that his treasure included
the Fiery Cross of Goa,
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156. a 220-pound, seven-foot high
golden crucifix studded with rubies
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157. and that today the haul
would be worth £100 million."
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158. - Wow.
- So?
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159. "So it's your job to crack
the code and find the loot.
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160. Your sincerely,
Neville Wilman."
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161. Oh, we are hunting
for pirate treasure?
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162. - Yes, we are.
- Oh, come on.
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163. Do you believe in
all this pirate nonsense?
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164. What do you mean, "believe"?
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165. Yes. Pirates were pirates.
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166. Pirates knock
on your door and say,
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167. "I've got this knocked-off copy of the
Endgame.
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168. Do you wanna buy it?
It's only five quid." That's a pirate.
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169. Yeah, pirate now.
Pirates then, they had style. This one...
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170. - So we've gotta crack that...
- Yes.
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171. and that'll tell us
where this, The Buzzard... Yes.
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172. buried his treasure?
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173. Yes.
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174. Well, how are you
gonna crack that?
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175. This is so up his street.
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176. What's happened here
is very straightforward.
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177. He loves pirates, you...
what do you like doing?
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178. - Cracking codes. Doing Sudoku.
- Crosswords.
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179. What do I do?
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180. Well, you can have your... We'll be
pirates, we'll split the treasure.
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181. I'm not going to be a pirate.
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182. Oh, so we won't
split the treasure?
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183. If you want to share in the £100 million,
and I suggest you do,
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184. you could maybe
muck in a bit.
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185. You can help digging.
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186. I can't be doing
with pirates. It's all...
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187. All right,
so you don't want any?
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188. Well, I mean,
I'll have it if it's there.
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189. Oh, will you?
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190. Back at the hotel,
I started on the code...
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191. while Nick and Margaret
sat in the background, being annoying.
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192. Would it help if I built you a machine
made of brass and copper and transistors?
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193. I heard if you drink a glass of water like
that whilst looking at it...
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194. - Have you thought about, A is one...
- That's clever.
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195. - B is two...
- Oh, that's clever.
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196. - No, wait, wait.
- What?
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197. - I've already had a breakthrough.
- What?
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198. Why don't you two go away and leave me
alone to work on it by myself?
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199. It is a bit boring, this.
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200. Not very piratey thus far.
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201. So Richard and I left James
Turing to get on with it.
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202. So La Buse...
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203. It's a shame
we can't go swimming.
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204. Why can't we?
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205. It's against the law.
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206. What, swimming's illegal?
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207. No, it really is.
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208. Because between
2011 and 2016,
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209. there were 43 fatal shark
attacks around the world.
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210. 19 were in the waters
off Réunion.
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211. - Out there?
- Yeah.
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212. Well, look,
it's only shallow.
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213. If a shark comes,
we can jump it.
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214. I think we did that in 2013.
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215. Do you only read
pirate books?
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216. If it's got a pirate ship on it, you're
gonna read it, aren't you?
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217. It's exciting. There was
derring-do and adventuring.
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218. The Lioness of Brittany,
1330 thereabouts.
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219. She had a fleet of five
or six black ships called the Black Fleet.
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220. She had them all painted
black with red flags. How cool is that?
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221. On the third day, we were
running out of activities,
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222. so we went to see
how Alan was getting on.
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223. - Have you got anywhere?
- Yes.
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224. Where?
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225. After a two-headed dog...
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226. you take some honey.
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227. Three days and that's it?
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228. "After a two-headed dog
you take honey"?
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229. Yeah, but I'm starting
with nothing.
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230. Um, you do know that they
hung La Buse here in Réunion? Yeah.
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231. But they arrested him
in Madagascar.
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232. And he's hardly likely
to have said,
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233. "Mind if I bring this seven-foot
gold cross and all my treasure
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234. on your police boat
to the gallows" is he?
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235. So it makes sense that the treasure
is buried in Madagascar.
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236. How long have you known that?
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237. Since I was ten.
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238. Did you not think it might
have made sense to say that?
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239. I had a thought and I've done this before
and made a fool of myself
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240. by rushing in with it
before it's ready,
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241. so I had to let it mature and
develop before I thought,
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242. "Yes, I'll present this
thought to them."
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243. I mean, there might be a place called Two
Headed Dog in Madagascar for all I know,
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244. but I wasn't looking.
I've been looking at Réunion.
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245. Well, we've got to go
to Madagascar, then. Yeah.
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246. - It's not far away.
- Is it not?
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247. Yeah, but we can't take
those cars to Madagascar.
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248. - Why?
- Might be fun.
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249. Well, no, the roads
are terrible in Madagascar.
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250. How do you know?
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251. Cos I had a friend when I was
much younger called Mary
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252. who went there
doing wildlife conservation
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253. and she told me Madagascar was the worst
place she'd ever tried to drive a car.
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254. We've been
all over the world.
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255. We've seen a lot of
potholes, mate. We have.
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256. Yeah, but she went all over the world as
well, all over Africa, South America.
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257. She says Madagascar's
got the worst roads.
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258. All she ever talked to me about was how
bad the roads were in Madagascar
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259. - and how often she was stuck.
- Right.
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260. For days.
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261. - Better modify our cars, then.
- I've got a Caterham.
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262. We can modify that
very easily.
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263. - What, into an airship?
- I don't know.
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264. Use your imagination.
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265. So we found a workshop.
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266. And as James began...
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267. Right, to work...
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268. Richard and I
went to a shop to buy kit.
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269. - Bonjour.
- Bonjour.
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270. Bonjour.
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271. Avez-vous...
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272. jump leads, um...
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273. You see? (BARKS LIKE A DOG)
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274. Monsieur, avez-vous
batterie connecteur?
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275. - Ah, no.
- Oh, merci.
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276. What, jump leads
are called battery...?
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277. They're battery connector...
Yes, that's what it is.
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278. - Not... You don't have any?
- You mimed it in English.
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279. Well, I just thought jump
leads, brilliant acting.
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280. If you know the English
for jump leads.
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281. With the kit bought and
the modifications finished,
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282. we set sail for Madagascar,
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283. arriving two days later
in the port of Tamatave.
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284. Hello again, viewers.
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285. What I've done is this.
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286. My car is already very light,
which is ideal for off-roading,
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287. so I've put some
bigger wheels on it.
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288. That's good for ground
clearance and grip.
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289. That's it.
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290. Clearly, Jeremy had done
rather more than that.
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291. Let me talk you through
what I've done. There's a fair bit.
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292. Got a winch here mounted
on a steel platform
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293. and I have amour-plated steel running from
the front to the back on the underside.
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294. Headlamps, they're now
from a motorcycle.
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295. I needed the space ordinarily
taken up by the lights for these snorkels,
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296. which I've fitted so the car can now wade
through about six feet of water.
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297. Moving further back,
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298. big chunky tyres but the
wheels are actually smaller.
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299. Now, that meant the original
brakes wouldn't fit, had to remove those,
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300. replace them with the brakes
from a Golf GTI.
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301. Then I moved the brake and fuel lines
inboard to give them extra protection
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302. and removed
the air suspension,
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303. replaced it, in fact,
with long travel shocks and steel coils.
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304. - You did all that in two days?
- Well, it was that workshop.
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305. - I don't know, it was just so well-equipped
- It was well-equipped.
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306. So I was able to do, I think,
a pretty thorough job.
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307. I am genuinely impressed.
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308. - I'll tell you what.
- What?
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309. This is what life is like...
outside the EU.
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310. We were in the EU on Réunion,
smooth roads.
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311. BMWs. "Would you like
a glass of Chablis?"
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312. - Here...
- Yeah! Oh, sorry.
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313. Would you like
some food poisoning?
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314. As we discussed post-Brexit
life, our colleague arrived.
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315. O-K.
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316. Ha-ha!
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317. Yep, the flag and...?
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318. And a number of
other changes.
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319. OK, I'll talk you through it. I've
painted it black, skull and crossbones.
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320. There is a flag, yes.
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321. Full external roll cage and
if this isn't strong enough,
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322. I've replaced the front
and rear crumple zones with girders.
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323. I've raised the suspension by 19 inches to
give it 23 and a half inches
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324. ground clearance. And then if you look
closely... here, the corners.
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325. - Oh, yes.
- You know what he's done?
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326. It's genius is
what I've done. Look at it.
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327. - He's uninvented the wheel.
- You have, you've put triangles on.
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328. Having sorted all that out,
we got back to the main problem.
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329. The code.
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330. I'm presuming, May, because you haven't
done very much with your car,
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331. you've devoted
quite a lot of time
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332. to working out where in
Madagascar this treasure is.
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333. - This non-existent treasure is buried.
- Indeed.
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334. - Yes? And where is it?
- No idea.
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335. - You still don't know?
- Not a clue.
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336. It's still two-headed dogs
and lemons and parrots and things.
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337. You do know they
actually arrested La Buse on Madagascar
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338. in an area called Libertalia,
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339. which is like a pirate commune
where they lived
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340. and they had rules
of society and everything.
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341. So it stands to reason that's probably
where he buried his treasure
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342. when they arrested him.
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343. Have you known that
since you were ten as well?
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344. Er, yeah, yeah, I have.
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345. Is there anything else you've
known since you were ten
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346. which would be relevant to us
now that you ought to tell us?
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347. No, that's it.
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348. - So this Libertalia?
- Yeah.
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349. - Where is it?
- North of here.
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350. - How far north of here?
- 100 miles.
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351. You actually know
where it is?
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352. Yeah, north of here.
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353. 100 miles north of here.
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354. But you didn't say that
three days ago.
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355. Again, you have to take
your time with a thought,
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356. make sure it's ready,
turn it around, look at it.
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357. Don't wanna make
a fool of myself, rush in.
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358. And so, armed with Captain Jack
Hammond's new information, we set off.
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359. I've taken one of the finest
performance cars of its time,
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360. a scalpel, and turned it
into a chainsaw.
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361. "Oh-arr, oh-arr, Jim lad."
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362. I just don't get pirates.
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363. You tell Tom Hanks that pirates are
romantic and interesting...
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364. They're not. They're
just... floating burglars.
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365. Got a light here telling me that
there's a fault with my air suspension.
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366. I know, I've removed it.
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367. But why had I removed it?
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368. Because contrary to what James had said,
the roads were fine.
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369. Yeah.
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370. Not sure I needed to raise my car much for
this very smooth Tarmac.
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371. Er, James?
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372. Yes, what's your point?
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373. Because of you, I've prepared
my car for Armageddon
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374. and you've brought me
to a tea party.
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375. All right, look at this.
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376. Big test for the Bentley.
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377. There it is.
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378. Jeez, I feel like
Ranulph Fiennes here.
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379. Look at me!
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380. Look at what I've done.
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381. Just because he befriended some girl in a
floaty skirt, I've ruined my whole hatch.
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382. We should have known that a friend of
James' wasn't going to be an explorer.
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383. Worst thing that happened is a daffodil
fell out of her bicycle basket and she pan
Copy !req
384. "Oh, this is terribly rough.
It's absolutely awful."
Copy !req
385. As we headed out
into the countryside,
Copy !req
386. we hoped the roads
would get worse...
Copy !req
387. But no.
Copy !req
388. Hello. Bonjour.
Copy !req
389. They're all looking at me and
thinking, "What, is he mad?"
Copy !req
390. Look at that lovely road.
Copy !req
391. What were we thinking?
Copy !req
392. We took off-roading advice
from Jane Austen.
Copy !req
393. "Oh, James,
I went to Madagascar
Copy !req
394. and the roads were nothing
like they are in Devon."
Copy !req
395. Bonjour. Please,
stop building roads!
Copy !req
396. - (TOOTS OF HORN)
- No more road surface.
Copy !req
397. Oh, God.
Copy !req
398. We've completely overdone
our cars.
Copy !req
399. They look good.
Copy !req
400. But they're not necessary
and nor is the journey.
Copy !req
401. 70% of
the Madagascan population
Copy !req
402. exists on
less than a dollar a day.
Copy !req
403. So if there were a seven-foot golden cross
studded with rubies buried somewhere,
Copy !req
404. I'm fairly confident someone
would have found it by now.
Copy !req
405. Oh, and another thing: buried treasure...
in all of human history,
Copy !req
406. not a single ounce of buried
treasure has ever been found, ever.
Copy !req
407. As I complained about our mission,
the road did suddenly get rougher.
Copy !req
408. Oh, yeah, that is a pothole.
Copy !req
409. That is a definitely a pothole and that's
another one... Ooh.
Copy !req
410. O-K.
Copy !req
411. In the Ford tech...
Copy !req
412. I thought my mods would shine
in this new rough terrain.
Copy !req
413. Sadly, however...
Copy !req
414. Ow.
Copy !req
415. Slight hitch here.
Copy !req
416. I put my car on tracks,
Copy !req
417. but what I'm having trouble with
is the little wheels inside the tracks
Copy !req
418. that keep...
Well, they're coming off
Copy !req
419. because we're driving on
a hard road
Copy !req
420. and these hard edges of
the potholes smash them off.
Copy !req
421. The simple fact is, these tracks,
brilliant as they are,
Copy !req
422. are made for use on mud
and snow.
Copy !req
423. Off road. Not Tarmac.
Copy !req
424. Hammo,
you've lost another one.
Copy !req
425. Oh, God.
Copy !req
426. In the Caterham, it wasn't just the
potholes that were annoying...
Copy !req
427. - (THUDS)
- Oh! Oh!
Copy !req
428. It was so dusty, it felt like I was
driving in a hot Hoover bag.
Copy !req
429. (COUGHS) Ugh, dust and stuff getting
in my eyes is appalling.
Copy !req
430. I'm gonna have to
find some goggles.
Copy !req
431. Life in the Bentley,
however, was fine.
Copy !req
432. I'm starting to really
like this car.
Copy !req
433. Now it's got a bit of mud
on it,
Copy !req
434. it's starting to look like an MFB and in
case you don't know what MFB is,
Copy !req
435. it's what Samuel I Jackson
would call his Bentley if he had one.
Copy !req
436. Properly pretty villages.
Copy !req
437. Melon shop.
Copy !req
438. Melons, melons, melons.
Copy !req
439. Numberplate shop.
Copy !req
440. That is a shop where you can
get numberplates made up.
Copy !req
441. Wasn't expecting that.
Copy !req
442. I also wasn't expecting to
find an agreeable seaside hotel,
Copy !req
443. where, a bit later, a dusty and grimy May
chose not to join me for lunch.
Copy !req
444. Great.
Copy !req
445. Now the pool's
got a muddy dog in it.
Copy !req
446. I, meanwhile, was starting to
worry that in this heat on Tarmac,
Copy !req
447. my little plastic wheels
would be starting to warp.
Copy !req
448. So when I got to the hotel,
I also didn't join Jeremy for lunch.
Copy !req
449. I need to find a way
of cooling them.
Copy !req
450. Build a cooling system
out here with nothing.
Copy !req
451. And what I do in situations like this is
think to myself What would Bear Grylls do?
Copy !req
452. Having scoured the shoreline for nature's
raw materials, I set to work.
Copy !req
453. Well, fingers crossed.
Copy !req
454. Here's what I've done.
Copy !req
455. Luckily I've found these completely
full office water cooler bottles
Copy !req
456. that had been washed up.
Copy !req
457. Along with this nylon rope
that had also been washed up.
Copy !req
458. And along with them I found these lengths
of clear hose.
Copy !req
459. I've attached them
to the car,
Copy !req
460. some cable ties
had washed up.
Copy !req
461. And down here at the bottomit can deliver
a life-saving trickle of cooling water.
Copy !req
462. It may not look pretty
but it'll work.
Copy !req
463. And as
Bear Grylls himself says,
Copy !req
464. "Improvise, adapt, survive."
Copy !req
465. Sadly, Hammond's modifications
had taken so long,
Copy !req
466. it was too late in the day
to move on.
Copy !req
467. And anyway, May was busy carpet-bombing
the code with his OCD.
Copy !req
468. Here's something very
interesting I learned today.
Copy !req
469. I was next to a shop watching
a man count his water melons
Copy !req
470. and we would count one, two,
Copy !req
471. three, four, five like that.
Copy !req
472. But he was going one,
two, three, four, five,
Copy !req
473. which is exactly
what appears on there.
Copy !req
474. So that might be a letter
but it might be two.
Copy !req
475. Some of those symbols might be
numbers, they might be compass bearings,
Copy !req
476. they might be numbers of paces from a
tree, something like that.
Copy !req
477. Some of the bits that appear to be
gibberish...
Copy !req
478. The next day, as the sun rose on
this little-known paradise,
Copy !req
479. we were back on the move.
Copy !req
480. So, May,
have you cracked the code?
Copy !req
481. Nope.
Copy !req
482. Predictable.
Copy !req
483. Still, at least my
cooling system was working.
Copy !req
484. Water delivered, life saved.
Copy !req
485. Thank you, Bear Grylls.
Copy !req
486. (LAUGHS) My car is amusing.
Copy !req
487. Clearly, though, it was the MFB that was
causing more of a stir.
Copy !req
488. Then we came across something
that wasn't so cheerful.
Copy !req
489. That woman is in the stocks.
Copy !req
490. She's actually got
wooden handcuffs on.
Copy !req
491. Chaps, this Tarmac
road has finally run out.
Copy !req
492. But it's kind of run out
completely.
Copy !req
493. - What do you mean?
- There's no road at all.
Copy !req
494. This looks like a ferry.
Copy !req
495. Once on board, I noticed Jeremy had got
himself a new number plate.
Copy !req
496. I just can't work it out,
"MFB".
Copy !req
497. Must Fondle Buttocks?
Copy !req
498. Middle Aged... Hm.
Copy !req
499. Hang on.
Copy !req
500. When the ferry
docked on the other bank...
Copy !req
501. it was like we'd gone
back 200 years.
Copy !req
502. I'm going full goggles.
Copy !req
503. Bloody hell!
Copy !req
504. Yeah, this is quite bad now,
I'll admit.
Copy !req
505. Swim, swim, swim.
Copy !req
506. Finally, the modifications
we'd made to our cars
Copy !req
507. were coming into their own.
Copy !req
508. The MFB is through!
Copy !req
509. Four-wheel drive rugging
me out of that one.
Copy !req
510. Now, this is more like it.
Copy !req
511. This is what I built
my car for.
Copy !req
512. Tracks won't be getting
too hot. I'm cooling them in the water.
Copy !req
513. How's it going
in the Sherman?
Copy !req
514. Honestly, it's a walk in the
park. What about you?
Copy !req
515. It's a bit squeaky.
But it keeps going.
Copy !req
516. But what I'd love to know
is what's happening in the Caterham.
Copy !req
517. Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
518. Urgh!
Copy !req
519. That is turds! Jesus!
Copy !req
520. Ohh, the water's like a bath
that someone's had diarrhoea in.
Copy !req
521. Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
522. Bollocks!
Copy !req
523. Aargh!
Copy !req
524. Argh!
Copy !req
525. Oh, shitty death.
Copy !req
526. I'll just adjust the
temperature down to...
Copy !req
527. 22 degrees, I think,
would be better.
Copy !req
528. Adjust the lumbar support
using this button down here.
Copy !req
529. Meanwhile, in the Ford...
Copy !req
530. Motor's OK,
temperature's good.
Copy !req
531. I can't tell you
how easy this is on my car.
Copy !req
532. - (HEAVY THUD)
- Ooh!
Copy !req
533. Ohh, that's a big rock
at the bottom of that puddle.
Copy !req
534. Luckily for Hammond,
we were running alongside a beach.
Copy !req
535. So I suggested
we use that instead.
Copy !req
536. Have we finally found
a terrain where those tracks work?
Copy !req
537. Yeah, we're looking
good here.
Copy !req
538. It's gonna be brilliant,
this car.
Copy !req
539. These are teething problems.
I'm doing something new here.
Copy !req
540. I'm literally reinventing
the wheel, and, you know...
Copy !req
541. Oh.
Copy !req
542. Ohh.
Copy !req
543. Argh! (YELLS)
Copy !req
544. Oh, good. Here comes
a gloating orangutan.
Copy !req
545. What's happened?
Copy !req
546. Oh, I know!
Copy !req
547. Even I, with my limited knowledge,
is able to work out
Copy !req
548. that's not right.
Copy !req
549. It's not, is it?
Copy !req
550. To cheer Hammond up,
Copy !req
551. I decided to give him
a small present.
Copy !req
552. You've got a number plate
as well.
Copy !req
553. - "Fury" as in Fury?
- As in the tank.
Copy !req
554. - For my car? That is—
- Yes.
Copy !req
555. - So you can put "Fury" on it.
- Oh, I say!
Copy !req
556. It doesn't actually mean
that here, exactly. What's it mean here?
Copy !req
557. Well, the Ygrec, the Y,
means "lady parts".
Copy !req
558. So what that actually says is
"Furry lady parts."
Copy !req
559. But, for you,
it means "fury".
Copy !req
560. You're Brad Pitt in a tank -
pirate tank.
Copy !req
561. At that moment,
Giorgio Armani arrived.
Copy !req
562. Look at the state of you.
Have you had a trouser accident?
Copy !req
563. I was actually underwater
at one point.
Copy !req
564. Oh, that's
a disgusting place to sit.
Copy !req
565. Is that...
Can you not drive like that?
Copy !req
566. No. (CHUCKLES)
Copy !req
567. How did you do that?
Copy !req
568. It took me a lot of attempts
cos I wanted to do that.
Copy !req
569. Having wasted an eternity
watching Brad Pitt do his repairs,
Copy !req
570. we finally got back
on the move.
Copy !req
571. I wonder why Formula 1 teams
don't use tracks, Hammond,
Copy !req
572. if you can change them
in just three hours?
Copy !req
573. For James,
the misery continued.
Copy !req
574. How much more of this
is there?
Copy !req
575. Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
576. Things were so bad,
that at the next ferry crossing,
Copy !req
577. it looked like he was going to try
and make the far bank without a boat.
Copy !req
578. - Wouldn't you?
- Yeah, I would.
Copy !req
579. If somebody said to me,
"Yes, there are sharks in there,"
Copy !req
580. I'd still say,
"I don't care."
Copy !req
581. It's on!
Copy !req
582. As we left the ferry,
James was much happier and cleaner.
Copy !req
583. I'm feeling pretty good now.
Copy !req
584. - (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Give me strength!
Copy !req
585. (LAUGHS)
Look at him!
Copy !req
586. Oh, it's the little things
in life that I treasure.
Copy !req
587. We thought at this point the
road couldn't get any worse.
Copy !req
588. And then... it did.
Copy !req
589. Right, so this terrain now
is soft sand.
Copy !req
590. And puddles.
Copy !req
591. I haven't tried this yet.
Copy !req
592. Maybe this is where
I will shine.
Copy !req
593. Hammond was optimistic.
Copy !req
594. But in the three-ton Bentley,
I wasn't.
Copy !req
595. Jesus,
I'm gonna get stuck here.
Copy !req
596. Come on.
Copy !req
597. Right,
I'm completely beached.
Copy !req
598. Your car not up to the job,
is that what you're saying?
Copy !req
599. Luckily
I could winch myself out,
Copy !req
600. using Brad and his pirate
tank as a ground anchor.
Copy !req
601. Why am I feeding out
his winch cable?
Copy !req
602. Why didn't...
Copy !req
603. - I'll just do your winch.
- Ready.
Copy !req
604. Have you ever seen the like?
Copy !req
605. Yeah.
Copy !req
606. What's happening
here is, I'm moving to you.
Copy !req
607. That's not supposed
to happen, is it?
Copy !req
608. You need to put it in drive.
- Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
609. MFB...
Copy !req
610. Massive Fat...
Copy !req
611. Can I just say...
my friend Mary...
Copy !req
612. - Yes?
- ... was right.
Copy !req
613. Well, this isn't technically
a road, we're on a beach.
Copy !req
614. The roads were fine.
Copy !req
615. You said the worst roads
she'd ever seen.
Copy !req
616. I thought the roads
were fine.
Copy !req
617. What's happened is,
the roads have finished.
Copy !req
618. Chaps, are you interested
in treasure or not?
Copy !req
619. £100 million worth,
available this way.
Copy !req
620. How far is this place?
Copy !req
621. We don't know. Libertalia -
it doesn't exist, anyway.
Copy !req
622. - It does exist.
- It doesn't exist!
Copy !req
623. Well, it did.
They wrote about it.
Copy !req
624. Well, they wrote about Narnia.
Doesn't mean it existed.
Copy !req
625. We continued our journey
on what is genuinely
Copy !req
626. Madagascar's equivalent
of the M1.
Copy !req
627. Oh, Christ!
Copy !req
628. Can't see a thing.
Copy !req
629. May can't be doing this with
only two-wheel drive, it's not possible.
Copy !req
630. But thanks
to its lightness,
Copy !req
631. the plucky little Caterham
was ploughing on.
Copy !req
632. Mind the grit. There it is.
Copy !req
633. Bonjour.
Copy !req
634. It was Hammond, though,
who had the most reason to celebrate.
Copy !req
635. Finally, we've
found what it's good at.
Copy !req
636. This thing is unstoppable!
Copy !req
637. Oh, my giddy aunt.
Copy !req
638. It looks like a wheelchair
that's fallen down a flight of stairs.
Copy !req
639. Yeah, it's bad.
Copy !req
640. OK.
Copy !req
641. What would you like me
to do about that?
Copy !req
642. What are you in a position
to do about that?
Copy !req
643. Having thought
about it for a long time,
Copy !req
644. I decided the answer
was nothing.
Copy !req
645. So I left him to it...
Copy !req
646. This is the tensioner assembly that sits
at the back of the track.
Copy !req
647. and set off with James
into the night.
Copy !req
648. Oh, it's getting worse.
Copy !req
649. Ohh, (BLEEP) me,
that was uncomfortable!
Copy !req
650. We were only 40 miles
from Libertalia,
Copy !req
651. this place that only exists in Richard
Hammond's colouring-in books.
Copy !req
652. So we figured we'd just keep
on taking the punishment.
Copy !req
653. If you've just joined us, James May is
covered in human excrement.
Copy !req
654. From behind,
your hair looks...
Copy !req
655. It's like
Trevor McDonald's hair.
Copy !req
656. It is actually a single
entity. It's a new type of molecule.
Copy !req
657. Would you like me
to give you a little push?
Copy !req
658. Yeah, try it,
a little nudge.
Copy !req
659. Here I come. I shall try
to be gentle, James May.
Copy !req
660. - (ENGINE REVVING)
- Oh, thanks!
Copy !req
661. Jeremy and I battled on for another
two brutal hours...
Copy !req
662. Please make it stop.
Copy !req
663. Just stop.
Copy !req
664. until we arrived at
another ferry crossing.
Copy !req
665. Sadly, however...
Copy !req
666. Everything was as bad
as it could possibly be
Copy !req
667. and now it's worse.
Copy !req
668. The ferry's engine's broken.
Copy !req
669. But they have said that James
and I can pull it across.
Copy !req
670. I mean...
Copy !req
671. They obviously looked at us and thought,
"Yeah, they're athletes."
Copy !req
672. - Oh, this is a nice rope.
- (GRUNTS) Isn't it?
Copy !req
673. God, heave!
Copy !req
674. Agh. Oh, my back!
Copy !req
675. As we pulled ourselves along,
I suddenly had a thought about Hammond.
Copy !req
676. - If we go over there and get off...
- Yeah?
Copy !req
677. it's not gonna be on the
right side when he arrives.
Copy !req
678. Yeah, but that's
not our problem.
Copy !req
679. You're absolutely right
it isn't.
Copy !req
680. Several miles back,
having bodged a repair,
Copy !req
681. I was now back in the game.
Copy !req
682. Gingerly does not cover...
Copy !req
683. how carefully
I'm driving this thing.
Copy !req
684. - (THUD)
- Ohh. Rock in there.
Copy !req
685. It feels like it's tearing
itself to pieces.
Copy !req
686. After 16 hours on the move,
Copy !req
687. James and I still had
a steely determination
Copy !req
688. to keep going
to journey's end.
Copy !req
689. Our willpower
was bulletproof.
Copy !req
690. We would not be distracted
from the job in hand.
Copy !req
691. Oh, a hotel. Hotel, look.
Copy !req
692. Does it say "bar"?
Copy !req
693. "Hotel restaurant open."
Copy !req
694. That'll do.
Copy !req
695. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
696. That is deep.
Copy !req
697. Back in my world,
things were getting worse.
Copy !req
698. One of the crew cars had
provided a stark reminder
Copy !req
699. of what could happen if you
strayed even slightly off the track.
Copy !req
700. - Oh! That's grim.
- (HEAVY THUD)
Copy !req
701. Oh.
Copy !req
702. And on top of that, my car felt like it
was disintegrating.
Copy !req
703. - (RATTLING)
- That rattling noise.
Copy !req
704. Is that the bearing
on that side?
Copy !req
705. Oh! Oh, Lord.
Copy !req
706. Consequently, my nerves
were shot when, at three in the morning...
Copy !req
707. I arrived at
the river crossing...
Copy !req
708. to find the ferry
was on the other bank.
Copy !req
709. Oh, the (BLEEP) bastards!
Copy !req
710. - Oh!
- (CLATTERING)
Copy !req
711. I would therefore have
to row over to get it back.
Copy !req
712. This is shit!
Copy !req
713. Everything's shit!
Copy !req
714. And this (BLEEP) canoe
doesn't work!
Copy !req
715. The next morning,
Richard Hammond was in a bit of a mood.
Copy !req
716. Was it difficult?
Copy !req
717. I, on the other hand,
was very happy.
Copy !req
718. Because,
after a refreshing shave,
Copy !req
719. I noticed there was a marked
Copy !req
720. difference between my living conditions
in the Bentley
Copy !req
721. Showroom fresh.
Copy !req
722. and May's in the Caterham.
Copy !req
723. Your car looks like Teddy Kennedy's car
after Chappaquiddick.
Copy !req
724. As I went back to my grooming, the sulky
Brummie finally spoke.
Copy !req
725. I don't particularly want
to talk to either of you.
Copy !req
726. But here's to explain why there may be
another opportunity to abandon me.
Copy !req
727. You know I've got problems
at the front end? Yes.
Copy !req
728. I have significant problems
at the back.
Copy !req
729. Both of the rear
trailing arms are snapped.
Copy !req
730. Snapped?
Copy !req
731. Gone, broken.
Copy !req
732. It's well thought out, this.
Copy !req
733. Which means at any point,
Copy !req
734. the whole back end of my car
could collapse inward,
Copy !req
735. possibly firing one of these
under the car and throwing it on its roof.
Copy !req
736. In fairness, we won't see that cos we'll
be at least 20 miles ahead.
Copy !req
737. I'd love to offer you a lift.
Copy !req
738. I only give lifts to people who haven't
pulled my battery isolator switch out.
Copy !req
739. I'm very tempted to pull your battery
Copy !req
740. isolator switch off your car and
swallow it.
Copy !req
741. And then give it back to you
probably in ten minutes' time.
Copy !req
742. You think I'd notice
on that car?
Copy !req
743. Mercifully, the road that morning
was much smoother.
Copy !req
744. And we were surrounded
by Madagascar
Copy !req
745. at its absolute vibrant best.
Copy !req
746. I'm not really looking where
I'm going cos of that view.
Copy !req
747. That's green.
Copy !req
748. We don't have anything
that green in Europe. Look at it.
Copy !req
749. Soon we arrived
at a much bigger ferry
Copy !req
750. that would take us on
a short hop up the coast.
Copy !req
751. Slightly more
impressive boat than last night.
Copy !req
752. This one appears
to have an engine.
Copy !req
753. - And be here.
- Ooh!
Copy !req
754. When we reached our destination,
however, there was a problem.
Copy !req
755. Argh.
Copy !req
756. There was no way of driving
off the beach where we landed
Copy !req
757. until low tide.
Copy !req
758. So to kill the time, James
went back to codebreaking.
Copy !req
759. Hammond and I, meanwhile, realised that
in conditions as harsh as these...
Copy !req
760. survival would be tough.
Copy !req
761. We'd need food.
Copy !req
762. So he began with a Bear Grylls hostile
environment classic -
Copy !req
763. the improvised beach oven.
Copy !req
764. When you've finished
digging your pit,
Copy !req
765. line it with some of
the rocks, about half.
Copy !req
766. And I'm gonna light a fire
on top of these rocks.
Copy !req
767. I could light a fire in any
one of a number of ways -
Copy !req
768. a piece of broken glassfrom the sea,
focused light from the sun onto a leaf...
Copy !req
769. I'm gonna ask the crew
for a lighter.
Copy !req
770. There. It's working.
Copy !req
771. As Bear Grylls says,
three words in survival.
Copy !req
772. First-class travel and five-star
accommodation or I won't do it.
Copy !req
773. The second basic
principle of survival is hydration.
Copy !req
774. So I set about
finding fluids.
Copy !req
775. A lot of survivalists
will tell you...
Copy !req
776. that when you're thirsty, you
should drink your own piss.
Copy !req
777. But I say no to that.
I say...
Copy !req
778. Go into the jungle
and find fruit.
Copy !req
779. And drink that instead.
Copy !req
780. It tastes nicer
and it does you more good.
Copy !req
781. Look.
Copy !req
782. Coconuts.
Copy !req
783. This is a rotten one
that's fallen down.
Copy !req
784. I'm gonna try and get a fresh
one by throwing this at it.
Copy !req
785. Right, my rocks are hot.
Copy !req
786. Which means
we're ready to get cooking.
Copy !req
787. So, take your fish
that you caught earlier -
Copy !req
788. that bit's not difficult,
that's the sea.
Copy !req
789. You wrap the fish in leaves.
Copy !req
790. Tie it off and now transfer
the fish to your beach oven.
Copy !req
791. (WINCES) Hot, hot!
Copy !req
792. Bury the fish,
Copy !req
793. to contain all that heat in our oven
that we built earlier.
Copy !req
794. Two hours from now,
that is gonna be...
Copy !req
795. a cooked fish.
Copy !req
796. Having finally
hit a coconut...
Copy !req
797. Yes! Ho-ho-ho! Yes!
Copy !req
798. I went in search
of bananas.
Copy !req
799. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
Copy !req
800. Shit!
Copy !req
801. OK.
Copy !req
802. And eventually, our survival
rations came together.
Copy !req
803. - Banana daiquiri.
- Really?
Copy !req
804. Yeah, banana,
coconut milk and rum.
Copy !req
805. Fantastic! Where did you
get the rum from?
Copy !req
806. - Back of the Bentley.
- Oh, clever!
Copy !req
807. Mm.
Copy !req
808. You can survive surprisingly
well with a Bentley.
Copy !req
809. - This is very good, by the way.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
810. I've said it before. Just because
it's a survival situation,
Copy !req
811. doesn't mean
we have to eat like animals.
Copy !req
812. Standards.
Copy !req
813. That's not bad.
Copy !req
814. It's very good, well done.
That is survival.
Copy !req
815. Back on the boat,
there was more joy.
Copy !req
816. James was actually
getting somewhere.
Copy !req
817. Where are we?
Copy !req
818. Yes!
Copy !req
819. Yes, yes, yes!
Copy !req
820. Ohh.
Copy !req
821. What I've found is the name of the place
where the treasure must be buried.
Copy !req
822. And it's on the map.
Let me tell you how I did it.
Copy !req
823. It's incredible.
Copy !req
824. La Buse was a pirate.
Two things:
Copy !req
825. he wouldn't write this and tell you where
the treasure was in the first line.
Copy !req
826. He's gonna play with your
mind and tell you down here somewhere.
Copy !req
827. So I started
down in the last four lines,
Copy !req
828. I thought, "That's
where it's gonna be."
Copy !req
829. And then I discovered a name
that was as clear as day.
Copy !req
830. And I thought, "That sounds
like the name of a place."
Copy !req
831. Seranambe - and there it is.
Copy !req
832. Look, it's very small.
Copy !req
833. Can you see it? I've scribbled on it in my
excitement. Seranambe.
Copy !req
834. That's where it is.
Copy !req
835. All we have to do now is work
out where in Seranambe to dig.
Copy !req
836. That's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Copy !req
837. So James
had cracked the code
Copy !req
838. and Hammond and I had
learned an important lesson
Copy !req
839. about surviving on nothing but poached
fish and several banana daiquiris.
Copy !req
840. Remember...
Copy !req
841. adapt.
Copy !req
842. - You've forgotten.
- Improvise, yes.
Copy !req
843. - (LAUGHS)
- Improvise. I've remembered.
Copy !req
844. - Adopt.
- No.
Copy !req
845. Adapt.
Copy !req
846. - Improvise.
- Survive.
Copy !req
847. That's what we're gonna do.
Copy !req
848. The next day,
with the daiquiris out of our system,
Copy !req
849. we drove off the beach to
find we were in Libertalia.
Copy !req
850. And tantalisingly close
to the village James had identified.
Copy !req
851. We know where we're going.
Copy !req
852. And it's 15 miles away.
Copy !req
853. In 45 minutes, we will be deep in pirate
country, digging for treasure.
Copy !req
854. We'll get there. You two go and establish
there's no golden crucifix with rubies
Copy !req
855. and I'll find a dribble of wi-fi and book
some flights home.
Copy !req
856. If you want to rule yourself
out of mind-blowing wealth, fine.
Copy !req
857. There won't be any wealth.
Copy !req
858. You're in for a terrible
disappointment.
Copy !req
859. I'm in pirate country,
that's what I'm in.
Copy !req
860. You're all right.
Copy !req
861. James, you're
not even looking!
Copy !req
862. I had to admit
one thing about this so-called Libertalia.
Copy !req
863. It wasn't bad-looking.
Copy !req
864. If pirates were here,
and it's possible...
Copy !req
865. They were here.
Copy !req
866. - I can see why they'd choose it.
- It's gorgeous.
Copy !req
867. If you sail the world,
pulling in at places like...
Copy !req
868. Southampton.
Copy !req
869. - Bristol.
- Southampton...
Copy !req
870. and then you go to Calais,
Copy !req
871. you'd go, "Do you know..."
Copy !req
872. Yeah, it's all right,
isn't it?
Copy !req
873. "I'll do some pirating here."
Copy !req
874. Everything is just
ridiculously perfect.
Copy !req
875. That was
a blissful interlude, that.
Copy !req
876. Travelling silently across...
Copy !req
877. No Ford key. Oh, no.
Copy !req
878. No, he hasn't?
Copy !req
879. He bloody has.
Copy !req
880. James May, have you done
what I think you've done?
Copy !req
881. He's taken the key.
Copy !req
882. James!
Copy !req
883. Damn it!
Copy !req
884. James!
Give me my key fob.
Copy !req
885. It's like a little magic
trick. You've got to find it in the shop.
Copy !req
886. - You utter—
- It's in the shop.
Copy !req
887. Come on! Not another...
Copy !req
888. Leaving Hammond
to look for his keys...
Copy !req
889. Why are we playing
parlour games now?
Copy !req
890. James and I set off on the short drive
to the imaginary treasure village.
Copy !req
891. Again, it's the funniest car
in the world.
Copy !req
892. The road is smooth.
Copy !req
893. Gonna be there by 11:00.
Copy !req
894. Sadly, however,
the road had other ideas.
Copy !req
895. The Madagascans
call this the RN5.
Copy !req
896. Christ, this is
proper rock crawl.
Copy !req
897. But there's a better name.
Copy !req
898. Hell.
Copy !req
899. Right, what do I do?
Copy !req
900. I can't decide. I can't decide.
I'm gonna go that way.
Copy !req
901. - (HEAVY THUD)
- Oww!
Copy !req
902. Oww! Oww! Oww!
Copy !req
903. The problem is,
I can't see the road ahead.
Copy !req
904. The bonnet is just
like a football pitch.
Copy !req
905. It's like a fat man
trying to look at his penis.
Copy !req
906. Ohh! Crike all bloody mighty!
Copy !req
907. Having found
my keys, I was now wishing I hadn't.
Copy !req
908. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
909. What I'm gonna try and do
is get it up and out of these ruts.
Copy !req
910. It might mean
some unusual angles at times.
Copy !req
911. Come on, little pirate.
Keep pushing.
Copy !req
912. Urgh!
Copy !req
913. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
914. I daren't look.
Copy !req
915. Aargh!
Copy !req
916. The track was
completely mangled.
Copy !req
917. And as a result...
Copy !req
918. Votre voiture,
c'est... là-bas, oui?
Copy !req
919. I was now blocking
the road.
Copy !req
920. I think what's happening here
is people are getting a bit cross.
Copy !req
921. I'm holding them all up,
there's obviously a traffic jam building.
Copy !req
922. This is the Route Nationale,
it's the main road.
Copy !req
923. The mainest of main roads.
Copy !req
924. On the plus side, silver lining and
all that, I met an actual pirate.
Copy !req
925. However, having chatted
to him for a bit...
Copy !req
926. Un petit plus lentement,
s'il vous plaît. Français...
Copy !req
927. I realised I couldn't
have been more wrong.
Copy !req
928. I've discovered something.
Copy !req
929. This guy's getting
married today.
Copy !req
930. It's his wedding.
That's what all this is.
Copy !req
931. He's not dressed as a pirate.
Copy !req
932. He's a groom.
Copy !req
933. And I was holding up him
and his entire wedding party.
Copy !req
934. Oh, God!
Copy !req
935. Meanwhile, up ahead...
Copy !req
936. OK, I admit it. This is the
worst road in the world ever.
Copy !req
937. Mary was correct.
Copy !req
938. Mary will probably
turn out to be a prop forward
Copy !req
939. who drives a JCB for fun
at weekends.
Copy !req
940. Gaargh,
that is a horrible noise!
Copy !req
941. I think this is impossible.
Copy !req
942. I mean, we need some blasting
equipment to get through here.
Copy !req
943. If you come round this way,
you can see from down here,
Copy !req
944. there's no way in hell you
can get a Bentley up that.
Copy !req
945. Sadly, James and I didn't
have any blasting equipment.
Copy !req
946. So we had to do
something radical.
Copy !req
947. Work together.
Copy !req
948. Tiny bit of left-hand down.
Now you'll have to go for it.
Copy !req
949. Please!
Copy !req
950. Gently. There you go.
Copy !req
951. As we were
struggling with the terrain,
Copy !req
952. our colleague was having to deal, in bad
French, with his held-up wedding party.
Copy !req
953. Je m'excuse.
Copy !req
954. Maintenant, je... aller...
Copy !req
955. Je vais... And you can do
the same. Sorry.
Copy !req
956. To speed things up,
I decided to ditch the tracks
Copy !req
957. and put the focus
back on wheels.
Copy !req
958. And because they wanted
to get to the church on time,
Copy !req
959. the groom and his mates
were more than happy to help.
Copy !req
960. More wedding people.
Copy !req
961. Up ahead, our cars were still
taking the punishment.
Copy !req
962. How in the bloody
hell is it doing this?
Copy !req
963. You are watching a Bentley
Continental coming up here.
Copy !req
964. Woo-hoo!
Copy !req
965. However,
the big surprise of the day
Copy !req
966. was the two-wheel-drive
Caterham.
Copy !req
967. Get up there, car.
Come on. Go on.
Copy !req
968. Is that wheel up in the air?
Copy !req
969. Jesus, it did it.
Copy !req
970. Did you see that?
It did it.
Copy !req
971. This is a track car.
It's a racing car.
Copy !req
972. - (CLUNK)
- Can I just remind you of that?
Copy !req
973. At this point, I'd held up the
wedding party for two hours.
Copy !req
974. But, by using calmness
and patience...
Copy !req
975. I'd been able
to get the wheels on...
Copy !req
976. Merci.
Copy !req
977. Sorry.
Copy !req
978. get out of
everyone's way...
Copy !req
979. and then get back
on the move.
Copy !req
980. Oh!
Copy !req
981. My big problem now, ground clearance.
I haven't got any.
Copy !req
982. It's basically
a standard Focus RS.
Copy !req
983. Oh! (BLEEP)
Copy !req
984. Up ahead, the road's
surface hadn't changed,
Copy !req
985. but it had got narrower.
Copy !req
986. So I had to use an ingenious
traffic management solution
Copy !req
987. developed by the locals.
Copy !req
988. So your job, you run ahead
to stop the cars?
Copy !req
989. - Yes. Stop the cars. Yes, that's my job.
- And that's your job.
Copy !req
990. (OVER RADIO)
I've just met a young guy
Copy !req
991. who's going to run
ahead of us
Copy !req
992. to stop cars coming
the other way.
Copy !req
993. What does he do if there are
cars coming the other way?
Copy !req
994. He stops them in a place where
we can get past, you mean?
Copy !req
995. Exactly.
Copy !req
996. He organises cars
to meet at the right place.
Copy !req
997. It worked. Running Boy,
as he called himself,
Copy !req
998. did a brilliant job
of managing the traffic.
Copy !req
999. Yes, what...
This is a service I like.
Copy !req
1000. I'm going to give him a lot of money
because he's bloody earned it.
Copy !req
1001. My tight-fisted colleague,
however,
Copy !req
1002. hadn't bothered to do a deal
with my new friend.
Copy !req
1003. So he was encountering
oncoming traffic...
Copy !req
1004. Jeez.
Copy !req
1005. in all the wrong places.
Copy !req
1006. I can't go backwards.
Copy !req
1007. I can't ba...
I can't reverse.
Copy !req
1008. I'd have to reverse
for about four miles.
Copy !req
1009. James is a stubborn man
Copy !req
1010. but in the face of
this much opposition,
Copy !req
1011. he had to resort to
bad English and his winch.
Copy !req
1012. Strap on the tree.
Copy !req
1013. This... (WHOOSHES)
Copy !req
1014. You drive.
Copy !req
1015. Get out and help me.
(WHOOSHES)
Copy !req
1016. Higher.
Round the branch.
Copy !req
1017. With the strap attached,
I winched away.
Copy !req
1018. Whoop!
Copy !req
1019. Good?
Copy !req
1020. - Good?
- (WHIRRING)
Copy !req
1021. Can you get through?
Copy !req
1022. Well done!
Copy !req
1023. Oi!
Copy !req
1024. Several miles back,
Copy !req
1025. the Ford, incredibly,
was still going.
Copy !req
1026. Come on.
Copy !req
1027. Gee! Bloody... (LAUGHS)
Copy !req
1028. There we go. Good car.
Copy !req
1029. But I was struggling.
Copy !req
1030. I'd been on the go
for ten hours
Copy !req
1031. and as I was heading
for another late night,
Copy !req
1032. I decided to stop
and grab something to eat.
Copy !req
1033. We've been given these
emergency ration packs.
Copy !req
1034. So, what I do is,
take the top off there
Copy !req
1035. and that's the food which is,
I don't know, beans and sausages.
Copy !req
1036. That goes in there.
Copy !req
1037. And then I add
a little drop of water.
Copy !req
1038. I presume this triggers some
sort of chemical reaction
Copy !req
1039. with whatever it is
in the little bag of stuff.
Copy !req
1040. I don't think that's working.
Copy !req
1041. There's no heat. I'd get more
out of a hand warmer.
Copy !req
1042. Oh, wait a minute,
it's inflating.
Copy !req
1043. Oh! Oh, no! Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1044. - Oh! No, there's...
- (STEAM HISSING)
Copy !req
1045. Ahh! Ah!
Copy !req
1046. Argh!
Copy !req
1047. It's O... Oh!
Oh, that's so hot!
Copy !req
1048. Ah! Burning my balls! Ow!
Copy !req
1049. As Hammond
cooked his testicles,
Copy !req
1050. we were still on the move.
Copy !req
1051. Just.
Copy !req
1052. We still have
about nine miles to go.
Copy !req
1053. I could crawl it faster
than we're going.
Copy !req
1054. Yeah. Go...
Copy !req
1055. Clarkson, stop. There's a man
here with parts of your car.
Copy !req
1056. - (CLUNKING)
- Whoa.
Copy !req
1057. Move. Come on, Bentley.
Come on, Bentley!
Copy !req
1058. It's getting dark.
It's gonna go dark.
Copy !req
1059. I can't believe it. We're not going
to make this bloody town tonight.
Copy !req
1060. How can we fail to do
15 miles in a day?
Copy !req
1061. I can't drive like this.
Copy !req
1062. There aren't enough lights in the world
to illuminate this horror.
Copy !req
1063. So, we stop to make camp,
Copy !req
1064. leaving Hammond out there
with nothing but four wheels
Copy !req
1065. and his scalded balls.
Copy !req
1066. Go on, keep pushing. Go on.
Copy !req
1067. Thanks to
the toughness of the Focus,
Copy !req
1068. and a little help
from the locals,
Copy !req
1069. I was amazingly
still in the game.
Copy !req
1070. Oh, that was quite rugged.
Copy !req
1071. The going was getting
tougher and tougher.
Copy !req
1072. But I was determined
that the little Ford and I would make it.
Copy !req
1073. - (THUD)
- Oh, you (BLEEP).
Copy !req
1074. Come on, clear that, go on.
Copy !req
1075. Yeah.
Copy !req
1076. But then...
Copy !req
1077. - (CLATTERING)
- Oh, shit. Hold on. Hold on.
Copy !req
1078. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1079. My clutch has just gone.
Copy !req
1080. Yep. I don't have a clutch.
Copy !req
1081. Pedal's stuck down.
Copy !req
1082. Fuck.
Copy !req
1083. I'm done.
Copy !req
1084. That's it. It's a clutch.
I can't mend the clutch.
Copy !req
1085. The clutch is a clutch and I
haven't got a spare one.
Copy !req
1086. It is finished. It ends.
Copy !req
1087. It's dead.
Copy !req
1088. This was the first time ever
Copy !req
1089. we'd lost a car
on one of our adventures.
Copy !req
1090. But, there was no time
to mourn
Copy !req
1091. because as the sun rose
the next morning,
Copy !req
1092. we were on the road early,
Copy !req
1093. eager to cover the last
few miles to James's village.
Copy !req
1094. I like walking,
but in the Lake District.
Copy !req
1095. There's proper weather there.
Copy !req
1096. All right, mate.
Copy !req
1097. Have you seen how well
my car does this stuff?
Copy !req
1098. Once again, Running Boy
was out doing his thing.
Copy !req
1099. - Oh, look at this.
- (HE LAUGHS)
Copy !req
1100. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Copy !req
1101. Merci bien. Merci.
Copy !req
1102. And, once again, Captain
Stubborn hadn't paid him.
Copy !req
1103. Can you back up a bit?
Copy !req
1104. No, no, no, no.
If you just back up a bit.
Copy !req
1105. Oi!
Copy !req
1106. Oi!
Copy !req
1107. - (THUD)
- Oh!
Copy !req
1108. Then,
as we inched our way along,
Copy !req
1109. the big bruiser
finally stumbled.
Copy !req
1110. Uh, temperature gauge
is climbing, climbing.
Copy !req
1111. It's now in the red.
I'm gonna have to stop.
Copy !req
1112. The trouble is,
there are eight radiators in this thing.
Copy !req
1113. I can't even see.
I can't get at anything.
Copy !req
1114. While my colleague tried to fix his
engine by staring at it,
Copy !req
1115. I was arriving
at our destination,
Copy !req
1116. the village of Seranambe...
Copy !req
1117. Hello.
Copy !req
1118. where I'd crack
the last part of the code
Copy !req
1119. and find the treasure.
Copy !req
1120. In the cryptogram,
there is an X.
Copy !req
1121. It's obviously not
"X marks the spot".
Copy !req
1122. That would be too obvious.
Copy !req
1123. And, after it, there are distances, which
I'm gonna assume are paces,
Copy !req
1124. not miles or kilometres
or anything like that.
Copy !req
1125. But I don't know what the...
Copy !req
1126. I don't know
what the X means.
Copy !req
1127. I mean, if he's talking about buildings,
they'll have all gone.
Copy !req
1128. The trees will
all be different.
Copy !req
1129. Only geographical features
will be the same
Copy !req
1130. and this is just flat.
Copy !req
1131. Back at the Bentley,
the news was not good.
Copy !req
1132. I removed the entire front
of the car and I found this.
Copy !req
1133. It's a part of
the cooling system
Copy !req
1134. and the end's come off.
Copy !req
1135. The fact of the matter
is this.
Copy !req
1136. If I can't get
that hose repaired,
Copy !req
1137. it's game over for the MFB.
Copy !req
1138. By contrast, in the village,
things were looking up.
Copy !req
1139. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1140. No, wait a minute.
Copy !req
1141. It's the church.
Copy !req
1142. Churches are always built on
the same spot, aren't they?
Copy !req
1143. So the "X" is actually
a badly-drawn cross.
Copy !req
1144. So from X, the crucifix,
it turns out, that's there,
Copy !req
1145. north, that'll be
magnetic north, 120 paces,
Copy !req
1146. that's where the treasure is.
Copy !req
1147. After I'd found the spot...
Copy !req
1148. 117, 118, 119, 120. There.
Copy !req
1149. Hammond arrived.
Copy !req
1150. So we broke out the shovels
and he started to dig.
Copy !req
1151. - So where do you think he is?
- Who?
Copy !req
1152. Jeremy.
Copy !req
1153. Well, he was behind me about
two kilometres up the hill
Copy !req
1154. - outside the town.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1155. And then I sort of lost
radio contact with him.
Copy !req
1156. And I haven't heard
from him since.
Copy !req
1157. - (RATCHET CLICKING)
- This isn't...
Copy !req
1158. Oh, this is never gonna work.
Copy !req
1159. No, the end's come off.
The end's come off that now.
Copy !req
1160. Why doesn't it...?
Why is everything breaking?
Copy !req
1161. Oh, God-all-bloody-mighty.
Copy !req
1162. there are two reasons
why we don't need him. Yeah?
Copy !req
1163. One is, he doesn't believe
in buried treasure. Yeah.
Copy !req
1164. And the other is, he's not
gonna do any digging, is he?
Copy !req
1165. And the other is, treasure goes a lot
further split two ways.
Copy !req
1166. - Exactly.
- It's 50 million each.
Copy !req
1167. It's 49 and a half million.
We'll have to leave a bit for the crew.
Copy !req
1168. Sadly for James and Richard,
Copy !req
1169. two hours later, they were
back to a three-way split.
Copy !req
1170. What in the name of all
that's holy is going on here?
Copy !req
1171. - It's not here, is it?
How do you know?
Copy !req
1172. - Because it isn't here.
- It's not here yet.
Copy !req
1173. We'd have found it by now. They didn't
build the Channel Tunnel, did they?
Copy !req
1174. - Ahem.
Oh, hello.
Copy !req
1175. Where the bloody
hell have you been?
Copy !req
1176. I have been giving myself
dirty fingernails.
Copy !req
1177. - Oh, dear.
- Why?
Copy !req
1178. Well, I've been fitting my bonnet with the
Madagascar pack, but never mind that.
Copy !req
1179. Why have you two dug a hole
Copy !req
1180. in the middle of this pretty
little town's football pitch?
Copy !req
1181. Because this is where
the treasure is.
Copy !req
1182. - Is the treasure buried here?
- No.
Copy !req
1183. Right, well,
on that terrible,
Copy !req
1184. but entirely predictable
disappointment, it's time to...
Copy !req
1185. Um, actually... It's not time to end,
apparently. Why? What?
Copy !req
1186. You know that island down there?
We passed it yesterday.
Copy !req
1187. Yeah?
Copy !req
1188. Did you know it's actually
called Pirate Island?
Copy !req
1189. And it makes sense,
if you think about it,
Copy !req
1190. that he wouldn't have hid the treasure on
Madagascar, where it could be found.
Copy !req
1191. He'd have hidden it in secret
on Pirate Island.
Copy !req
1192. So, that's probably where
it is, innit? Think about it.
Copy !req
1193. How long have you known
Copy !req
1194. that that island
was called Pirate Island?
Copy !req
1195. (EXHALES) Always.
Copy !req
1196. Fearing that the village football
team might be a bit annoyed,
Copy !req
1197. we decided
to get out of town, fast.
Copy !req
1198. Go on, get that up!
Copy !req
1199. Come on!
Copy !req
1200. Come on! Run it up!
Copy !req
1201. TM-19032, this is James.
Your man is taking beer off the boat.
Copy !req
1202. The beer is supposed
to go on the boat.
Copy !req
1203. Whilst Roger the Cabin Boy and
Seaman Staines got ready to sail,
Copy !req
1204. I paid Running Boy,
gave him some new shoes...
Copy !req
1205. Yes? Bon?
Copy !req
1206. and then rushed
to the boat myself.
Copy !req
1207. Finally.
Copy !req
1208. Oh, good, they've ruined the football
pitch and now they've ruined the beach.
Copy !req
1209. Is this the same boat
we used the other day?
Copy !req
1210. Yes, I've chartered it,
it's ours.
Copy !req
1211. With the entire crew loaded on board,
and May's booze lorries,
Copy !req
1212. I decided
to give him a present
Copy !req
1213. appropriate for someone who'd just ruined
the town's only sports venue.
Copy !req
1214. It's a number plate
and it's magic, OK?
Copy !req
1215. Is it?
- No, it is, it's magic.
Copy !req
1216. To the ladies and gentlemen
at home, it's pixilated.
Copy !req
1217. It's only visible
to the naked eye.
Copy !req
1218. Ooh, that's
quite a strong message.
Copy !req
1219. I mean, obviously you can't
read it, because as I say, it's magic.
Copy !req
1220. We can see exactly
what it says and it...
Copy !req
1221. That's when it's stationary.
Does it still work if it moves?
Copy !req
1222. Let's test how good it is
as magic.
Copy !req
1223. But the editor
of the programme
Copy !req
1224. says, "Please don't put it
on your car,"
Copy !req
1225. cos he can't pixelate...
(LAUGHS)
Copy !req
1226. Because we can't afford to pixilate
the rest of the film.
Copy !req
1227. - Yes, OK. Understood.
- But you can put it on your office desk.
Copy !req
1228. Yes. Can we get this ramp up,
and get... Guys.
Copy !req
1229. - Can we get the ramp up and go?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1230. - OK, ramp up, please.
- (BELL RINGS)
Copy !req
1231. As we'd be
out at sea for a while,
Copy !req
1232. Richard broke out
his research books.
Copy !req
1233. And here we are.
Copy !req
1234. Olivier Levasseur, La Buse.
Copy !req
1235. There's the cross.
There it actually is.
Copy !req
1236. A picture of the cross
on his ship.
Copy !req
1237. Meanwhile, May and I sat down
Copy !req
1238. for a look back
at what we'd achieved.
Copy !req
1239. Have you gone
fully Bear Grylls?
Copy !req
1240. Is that your own urine?
Copy !req
1241. No, no, no, no. It's Chablis.
Copy !req
1242. (LAUGHS) Anyway...
Copy !req
1243. In less than a week,
Copy !req
1244. we have managed to cover
a staggering 139 miles.
Copy !req
1245. And our cars...
Copy !req
1246. Well, two of our cars
are still running.
Copy !req
1247. Phenomenal achievement,
really.
Copy !req
1248. That isn't even a car,
really.
Copy !req
1249. That is a track-day toy.
Copy !req
1250. - That's a racing car.
- It is.
Copy !req
1251. And all I've done
is put some big tyres on it.
Copy !req
1252. I'll tell you what driving
the Bentley's like off road.
Copy !req
1253. It's just this sense
of immenseness.
Copy !req
1254. It's like being at the birth
of a world in there.
Copy !req
1255. There's a sense of
enormous power going on.
Copy !req
1256. Of biblical happenings.
Copy !req
1257. Whereas yours is just this
little insect hopping about. Or a goat.
Copy !req
1258. No, I'll tell you
what mine is like.
Copy !req
1259. What it's like
being in the Caterham.
Copy !req
1260. It's like being invited to
the football World Cup final
Copy !req
1261. and they've given you
a special seat
Copy !req
1262. and it's inside the ball.
Copy !req
1263. I'd rather be
at the birth of a world.
Copy !req
1264. In control of
the birth of a world.
Copy !req
1265. You are not in control, you're just inside
a football being kicked about.
Copy !req
1266. Whereas I am in control.
Copy !req
1267. Right, we're gonna have
a continent here
Copy !req
1268. and we'll have
some tides on the moon.
Copy !req
1269. You know, we'll get that going around,
it'll be fantastic.
Copy !req
1270. And then we'll have
some tectonic plates.
Copy !req
1271. That's not really what happens
at the birth of a world.
Copy !req
1272. - Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
Copy !req
1273. Somebody doesn't
sit there planning it.
Copy !req
1274. But the fact is, your car,
it is disgusting, James.
Copy !req
1275. I can see germs
coming out of it.
Copy !req
1276. When you drove through a lake of human
effluent, you were covered in it.
Copy !req
1277. When I drove through
the human effluent,
Copy !req
1278. my front window
went a bit brown momentarily
Copy !req
1279. and then that was
the end of that.
Copy !req
1280. I was back to my
air-conditioned splendour.
Copy !req
1281. - That's why mine's better.
- Your car's not better.
Copy !req
1282. I've got a spotless shirt on.
Copy !req
1283. - But that's not the objective.
- Yes, it is.
Copy !req
1284. The objective
is not to be spotless,
Copy !req
1285. it is to find treasure
in Madagascar.
Copy !req
1286. - There isn't any treasure.
- You don't know that.
Copy !req
1287. - I do know that. OK.
- How do you know that?
Copy !req
1288. I used to do this as a kid,
but that'd be my teacher on the plank.
Copy !req
1289. Now there's someone
even better.
Copy !req
1290. Arr!
Copy !req
1291. Arr. (CACKLES LIKE A PIRATE)
Copy !req
1292. Soon Pirate Island
hoved into view
Copy !req
1293. and we prepared to disembark.
Copy !req
1294. Clarkson!
Copy !req
1295. Where are my shoes?
Copy !req
1296. Having reached land, James and
I experienced a strange sensation.
Copy !req
1297. Holy mother of God,
it's a road!
Copy !req
1298. Nice, isn't it? It's like coming back
inside and standing on the carpet.
Copy !req
1299. Along with the Tarmac, there was also
a mobile phone signal,
Copy !req
1300. electricity and many shops.
Copy !req
1301. That is an actual restaurant.
Copy !req
1302. James and Richard
could go and dig a big hole
Copy !req
1303. in the kitchen of
the restaurant, perhaps.
Copy !req
1304. Put him out of business.
Copy !req
1305. Why would you not do that?
Copy !req
1306. Roger the Cabin Boy,
meanwhile,
Copy !req
1307. had found some transport.
Copy !req
1308. Yep, I've ended up
in a tuk tuk
Copy !req
1309. but it's no ordinary tuk tuk.
It's got a pirate on it.
Copy !req
1310. - (THUDDING)
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
1311. It's a great ride as well.
Copy !req
1312. As Hammond bought
stupid souvenirs...
Copy !req
1313. It's a bit more "Arr",
a bit more piratey.
Copy !req
1314. I found a hotel
Copy !req
1315. so May could get back
to code cracking.
Copy !req
1316. And in the morning,
we set off with James still believing
Copy !req
1317. the locals were
laughing at his car...
Copy !req
1318. not him.
Copy !req
1319. Now, I had a bit of a breakthrough
last night, viewers.
Copy !req
1320. The cryptograph,
La Buse's cryptograph,
Copy !req
1321. mentions a Turkish dog,
Copy !req
1322. which doesn't actually mean
a dog from Turkey.
Copy !req
1323. It means a dog with no hair.
Copy !req
1324. And when I looked at
the map of the island,
Copy !req
1325. I realised it looks like
a hairless dog.
Copy !req
1326. And its ear is a beach.
A very distinct beach.
Copy !req
1327. That's where we're going. That's where
I think the crucifix is buried.
Copy !req
1328. I'm absolutely
convinced of it.
Copy !req
1329. Soon we arrived at
the completely deserted beach
Copy !req
1330. which looked nothing
like a dog's ear,
Copy !req
1331. and immediately my deluded colleagues
started to talk gibberish.
Copy !req
1332. - So, is this it?
- Yeah, this is it.
Copy !req
1333. - This is where it is?
- And it makes perfect sense, actually.
Copy !req
1334. - If you're in a cartoon.
- No.
Copy !req
1335. If you're fleeing from
the Royal Navy
Copy !req
1336. and you unload the treasure and you
quickly bury itbefore they get to you.
Copy !req
1337. The obvious place to bury it
is on the beach, cos it's easy to dig.
Copy !req
1338. So we could right now
be standing on it?
Copy !req
1339. - You could be.
- It could be under our feet.
Copy !req
1340. But it could be over there.
This is quite a big crescent,
Copy !req
1341. so I would suggest
we divide it up into three,
Copy !req
1342. make sure
we don't miss any of it.
Copy !req
1343. - So, Hammond, you take that third.
- Gladly.
Copy !req
1344. I'll go in the middle.
You go down the far end.
Copy !req
1345. Right. Come on, lads. We've come a long
way to do this, let's get to work.
Copy !req
1346. Since we were looking for
a 220-pound gold cross,
Copy !req
1347. the best tool for the job
was clearly a metal detector.
Copy !req
1348. I should check it works.
Copy !req
1349. See if it can find
my Swiss hill climb knee.
Copy !req
1350. - (BEEPING AND SQUEALING)
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
1351. Wooh.
Copy !req
1352. Yep, it definitely works.
Copy !req
1353. It is possible that when
I find it, it'll be grizzly,
Copy !req
1354. because pirates used to,
Copy !req
1355. when they buried
their treasure,
Copy !req
1356. bury a prisoner
on top of it...
Copy !req
1357. so the ghost
would protect the treasure.
Copy !req
1358. Meanwhile,
and as you'd expect,
Copy !req
1359. I was doing things properly.
Copy !req
1360. It's gonna take a long time
to do this beach,
Copy !req
1361. so I'm gonna assemble
four metal detectors
Copy !req
1362. on this rudimentary trailer
that I've put together,
Copy !req
1363. and then I can detect four times as much
beach in one pass and I can use the car.
Copy !req
1364. Given that we'd be conducting this
fools' errand in the blazing heat,
Copy !req
1365. I decided my time
would be better spent
Copy !req
1366. building some kind
of shelter.
Copy !req
1367. Excellent, excellent.
Copy !req
1368. By late morning, my treasure
detecting solution system
Copy !req
1369. was finally ready.
Copy !req
1370. Let's do this
in a systematic way.
Copy !req
1371. The great thing about this,
of course,
Copy !req
1372. is that my wheel tracks will show me which
bits I've already done.
Copy !req
1373. It's a bit like
ploughing a field.
Copy !req
1374. Bugger.
Copy !req
1375. Having turned
my treasure-detecting trailer
Copy !req
1376. into a treasure-detecting
sledge, I set off once more.
Copy !req
1377. 50 mill.
Copy !req
1378. There's no tax on it,
is there?
Copy !req
1379. By mid-afternoon,
Copy !req
1380. Roger and Seaman were
getting hot and bothered.
Copy !req
1381. Just a beep. Come on, a beep.
Copy !req
1382. But, luckily, my simple
shelter was now finished.
Copy !req
1383. Couple of banana daiquiris
I've prepared for you.
Copy !req
1384. What the hell is this?
Copy !req
1385. I told you I was building
some shelter and I—
Copy !req
1386. - It's a bar.
- Oh, I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1387. I'm sorry that
the bar-shaped shelter
Copy !req
1388. doesn't meet with
your requirements.
Copy !req
1389. Thank you for the banana
daiquiri, it's excellent. Thank you.
Copy !req
1390. But might you make a bit of effort to help
us achieve our objective?
Copy !req
1391. Which is to find
the Fiery Cross of Goa,
Copy !req
1392. a seven-foot high golden
crucifix studded with rubies.
Copy !req
1393. Shall I tell you exactly
where that is?
Copy !req
1394. Same as every other piece
of looted treasure.
Copy !req
1395. It's in the bowels
of the Vatican.
Copy !req
1396. - No, it isn't.
- Hey, no, it isn't.
Copy !req
1397. And, listen, it was real.
We know that.
Copy !req
1398. The French government
offered La Buse
Copy !req
1399. a pardon for his piracy
Copy !req
1400. if he'd go back to France
Copy !req
1401. and hand over
the fiery cross, and he...
Copy !req
1402. Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
1403. The French government
did what?
Copy !req
1404. The French government said,"We'll give
you, La Buse, an amnesty as a pirate
Copy !req
1405. if you'll bring specifically
the fiery cross back to France."
Copy !req
1406. And he said, "No,"
and hid it. Fact.
Copy !req
1407. These aren't things from
Hammond's books.
Copy !req
1408. These are cross-referenced primary source
pieces of academic research.
Copy !req
1409. We know it existed and the evidence says
it's on this beach.
Copy !req
1410. No pirate treasure...
You will agree with this.
Copy !req
1411. No pirate treasure has ever been found,
buried pirate treasure.
Copy !req
1412. No, that's because
it's still lost.
Copy !req
1413. Tutankhamun hadn't been found
for thousands of years.
Copy !req
1414. - And then it was.
- Exactly.
Copy !req
1415. There's a chance, then,
if I go down there, I find this cross?
Copy !req
1416. - There's a chance?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1417. If I do a quick search, can I
come back to my shelter?
Copy !req
1418. - Not too quick.
- You got to thorough search.
Copy !req
1419. We've divided the beach up.
Copy !req
1420. If I do a thorough search,
can I come back to my— Yes, yes.
Copy !req
1421. Of course. If you do a thorough search
and we find it—
Copy !req
1422. We'll celebrate in your bar.
Copy !req
1423. Fair enough. Your arguments
have been persuasive.
Copy !req
1424. We'll meet you
back in your bar.
Copy !req
1425. Yes, in... 20 minutes.
Copy !req
1426. - Nn...
- No, 20 minutes.
Copy !req
1427. - It's a big job.
- I can cover that in 20 minutes.
Copy !req
1428. So, whilst Hammond and May got back to
finishing off their sections,
Copy !req
1429. I began on mine.
Copy !req
1430. You do have to be a little bit careful
with this if you're doing this at home,
Copy !req
1431. trying to find something
in your garden.
Copy !req
1432. Right, this is the fuse wire.
Copy !req
1433. Put one end in there,
like that,
Copy !req
1434. and I light the other end,
and then I have, I'm told,
Copy !req
1435. three minutes to reach
minimum safe distance in the MFB,
Copy !req
1436. before the explosions begin.
Copy !req
1437. OK.
Copy !req
1438. - (FUSE FIZZING)
- Lovely.
Copy !req
1439. That is not three minutes!
Shit.
Copy !req
1440. Shit. Shit!
Copy !req
1441. Begin!
Copy !req
1442. Ah, I've turned it off!
Copy !req
1443. Ah! Traction control.
Copy !req
1444. - No, no, no!
- (EXPLOSIONS)
Copy !req
1445. Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
1446. On the plus side, my work
had been extremely thorough.
Copy !req
1447. On the minus side, however...
Copy !req
1448. Find anything?
Copy !req
1449. Not a thing. You?
Copy !req
1450. Nothing. He's only got
that little bit to do.
Copy !req
1451. So there's nothing there.
What about there?
Copy !req
1452. And that's annoying because,
and I'm not making this up,
Copy !req
1453. I have just had this email...
Copy !req
1454. Ohh.
- (JEREMY CHUCKLES)
Copy !req
1455. - That's cruel.
- (DETECTOR WHINING)
Copy !req
1456. Ah, chaps.
- What?
Copy !req
1457. Chaps, there's...
Copy !req
1458. It's... Listen, it's there!
Copy !req
1459. Shovel! Shovel!
Copy !req
1460. - (RICHARD GASPS)
- There's something there.
Copy !req
1461. There.
Copy !req
1462. Jesus. What's that?
Copy !req
1463. What is it?
Copy !req
1464. I think it's the Holy Grail.
Copy !req
1465. Oh, cock.
Copy !req
1466. And on that terrible
disappointment, it is time to end.
Copy !req
1467. No more memories
from your childhood?
Copy !req
1468. - No, I got nothing.
- OK, that is it.
Copy !req
1469. Thank you so much
for watching.
Copy !req
1470. Take care. See you soon.
Copy !req