The Grand Tour 4x1

1. Hello and welcome to the sweat box...

2. that is Cambodia.

3. Now, there are many ways we could get across this fascinating country.

4. We could use horses or tuk-tuks or tractors.

5. But Mr Wilman decided we should meet at this very spot

6. with three boats.

7. And that hasn't gone down very well with my colleagues.

8. - No. - There we go.

9. Because I hate... I'm from Birmingham, I've explained.

10. Which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK—

11. - Full of canals! - We don't do boats.

12. People from Birmingham are always saying,

13. "It's the Venice of the North,"

14. like Venetians always say, "We live in the Birmingham of the South."

15. Canals are just for moving coal around.

16. I don't want to do that either.

17. I'm from Birmingham, I don't ski and I don't do boats. End of.

18. - I signed up for a car show. - Yes.

19. Not cookery, not restoring frescoes and not boats.

20. - I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat.

21. That's exactly the right word.

22. You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily

23. where it was when you last parked it.

24. Problem No.1. They can sink. Cars can't do that.

25. - What are the viewers gonna think? - What?

26. What if you turned on Jamie Oliver,

27. you thought, "I love that cooking show...

28. Oh, he's doing some watercolor painting."

29. We did it in lorries—

30. - Lorries are vehicles. - They go on the road.

31. - We've been on horses. - Oh, that went well!

32. Anyway, listen, let's not get bogged down with your prejudices.

33. Because the challenge is actually quite simple.

34. We are here, yes, near Siem Reap in the north of Cambodia.

35. And we've got to use all these waterways, well, not all of them...

36. we've got to find a path through them,

37. to Vung Tau, which is at the bottom of the Mekong Delta,

38. in Vietnam.

39. There is, however, one small problem.

40. As I've said, I'm no expert on boats and boating.

41. - But... there's no water. No, there isn't.

42. Is that pontoon thing there, is that where Mr Wilman thought we should meet?

43. Yes, in a field. He's a half-wit, isn't he?

44. Anyway, the problem is...

45. there isn't enough water in there to drown a witch.

46. No.

47. So, why don't we get some wheels

48. and go and find some water

49. and then we'll launch our boats there?

50. Right.

51. Having found some wheels,

52. we began our search.

53. Oh, how the mighty are fallen.

54. We are in tune with the times, though.

55. Exactly right. Exactly right.

56. There is global warming, there is climate change.

57. And if you hosted a car show now,

58. I think you'd feel foolish.

59. - (HORN TOOTS) - Bloody car, you maniac!

60. What's up with you, you lunatic?

61. - You selfish maniac! - Hit him! Hit the car!

62. Mad man!

63. Several exhausting miles later,

64. the river was still depressingly empty.

65. The problem we've got is it's June

66. and it's supposed to be raining here, really raining,

67. pouring down constantly.

68. And it isn't. And it hasn't for months.

69. And when we reached a fishing village,

70. the scale of the issue became clear.

71. These houses, as you can see, are on stilts

72. because that's where the river should be.

73. Just stop here. Look.

74. That's where the water level is.

75. That's incredibly gone, isn't it?

76. And it's not just climate change that's to blame,

77. because there's another problem.

78. China. They've dammed the river

79. that feeds all the water systems round here.

80. How much sense does that make, sitting here,

81. in your house on stilts with no water around it,

82. to learn that the Chinese have nicked all your water?

83. A funny world, isn't it?

84. The really funny thing is, The really funny thing is,

85. China builds a coal-fired power station every 20 minutes or something

86. and everyone shouts at them, saying,

87. "Oh, you're killing the planet."

88. When they build a clean, green, hydro-electric dam,

89. everyone shouts at them, saying, "Now, look, you're killing the planet!"

90. Well, it'd be nice if they could do it without nicking somebody else's water.

91. Eventually, though, we found a lake.

92. - Oh, look at that! - Hello.

93. But as we launched our boats and headed for a nearby pontoon...

94. the rainy season arrived...

95. with a vengeance.

96. God above!

97. Erm... I don't know how to park a boat.

98. I'm not gonna lie.

99. Trying to park.

100. - (SCRAPING AND CRASHING) - Ooh! How do I stop it?

101. Having another attempt.

102. Wait a minute, my engines are...

103. Oh, no, that one.

104. - (HEAVY THUD) - Yeah.

105. I think that went well.

106. Right.

107. Stop moving around!

108. I've parked you!

109. Well, I was gonna leap from my boat and say,

110. "And fresh from Miami Vice...

111. a boat."

112. It's pointy, which means it's a fast boat.

113. Oh, I've got my leg caught.

114. At this point, Jeremy emerged from the gloom.

115. And as he's the only qualified boat driver on the team,

116. I was expecting a smoother arrival.

117. Here we go.

118. Parking a PBR.

119. - Argh! - No, no, no!

120. Oh, brilliant!

121. It's really windy! I'm backing in.

122. Oh, no, that's...

123. - (HEAVY THUD) - Totally uncontrollable.

124. This is better, this angle.

125. - Argh! - (HEAVY THUD)

126. - OK. - Could you help and get that rope?

127. Can you pull me along?

128. Please pull me along!

129. This is no time for cocking about!

130. This is dangerous work we're doing!

131. I'm glad you got here cos I think it looks like rain.

132. (BLEEP) me!

133. - Erm... - What?

134. Isn't that like the boat out of Apocalypse Now?

135. Exactly what it is, PBR - Patrol Boat, River.

136. - Mark II. - Yeah.

137. Is that entirely tactful? We're going to Vietnam.

138. - You can't drive that around! - You can! Because...

139. You probably don't know this, but... Vietnam won.

140. So driving that through Vietnam

141. is like walking through Old Trafford, which is where Manchester United play,

142. in a Charlton Athletic shirt.

143. It doesn't matter, cos you're a loser.

144. They don't mind.

145. You believe that?

146. Is that... Is that a Scarab?

147. Yeah.

148. Hammond, you have accidentally chosen

149. - quite a good boat... - Have I?

150. if you were on the inter-coastal waterway in Miami.

151. You see, that's cool.

152. I've got two V8s in that.

153. - I've got two V8s in there. - How many horsepower?

154. 850 in total, 425 per engine.

155. - It's too much. - What have you got?

156. 350 a side. I've got 700 in total.

157. - 850. - Yeah, but that's better.

158. It's not.

159. What do you think May will have?

160. - Some. - Probably, with a bit of luck.

161. Soon, his late arrival was explained.

162. He'd come from the 18th century.

163. Look at that!

164. That's the world's least appropriate thing!

165. What was he thinking of?

166. How old is that thing?

167. James? About 60.

168. You ready with this rope?

169. Hang on, it's going backwards.

170. Why's it doing that?

171. He is absolutely hopeless.

172. He's got one knob and one wheel.

173. Oh, here he comes.

174. He's trying a new technique here.

175. He's broken his flagpole.

176. - James? - Yes?

177. That's the most inappropriate thing I've ever seen.

178. What do you mean?

179. Well, it's entirely not designed for where we are.

180. It's a river boat.

181. - We're on a lake. - It's a pleasure craft.

182. But we're gonna be on rivers.

183. And it's only a gentle lake. It's not stormy or anything.

184. Really?

185. - Have you got a big V8? - No, of course I haven't.

186. What is it? - It's a four-cylinder diesel.

187. - Power? - Yes?

188. 99 horsepower.

189. - When was your boat built? - 1939.

190. - Sorry... it's 80 years old? - Yes.

191. - It's 80? - It's older than the Battle of Britain.

192. So it's an antique.

193. It is an antique, yes.

194. You're sailing in a sideboard. Pretty much.

195. - How much was it? - £16,000, inc—

196. What? You paid 16 for that?

197. That's chea... That's a Ford Focus. And it's got a new engine in it.

198. Is that vulgar-looking thing that I don't even want to look at yours?

199. - Yeah. - How much was that?

200. - Er, 23. - (SPLUTTERS)

201. - Really? That's reasonable.

202. That's how much boats cost.

203. - £23,000? - Yes.

204. - How much was that? - What, the PBR?

205. Mine, how much was it?

206. - It's, er... (MUMBLES) - What?

207. - (MUMBLES) - How much?

208. 100,000.

209. - $100,000? - 100,000 what?

210. - No, pounds. - £100,000?

211. - Yes, it was. - You spent 100 grand on that?

212. Mm-hm.

213. But it's...

214. Is that because of its provenance?

215. No, I had to build it.

216. - What, it's not real? - No.

217. Hold on, hold on.

218. It's incredibly complicated.

219. They had to find the original designs of the original hull,

220. work out where the engines went, why it's mid-engined...

221. It was an immensely complicated thing to do and I've done it.

222. And I bought a little bit of history, at great expense,

223. back to Southeast Asia.

224. It's a fake, though. That's essentially a kit car.

225. Is it based on the chassis of a Beetle or a Triumph Herald?

226. - It's a purpose-made chassis. - A two-litre Pinto engine.

227. - Yes, exactly. - It's a purpose-made chassis.

228. And a brand-new engine.

229. 100 grand on a...

230. What we've got here... Can we do some car stuff?

231. What we've got is a Corvette, definitely.

232. That is a Corvette. Nothing wrong with them.

233. Big engine, inexpensive.

234. Yes, plastic and inexpensive.

235. A Mercedes G Wagon, which it is... and a Rover 90.

236. Yeah, I'll actually go with that.

237. I've just thought of something.

238. I haven't christened my boat.

239. So I quickly organised an official ceremony.

240. May God bless this ship and all who sail in her.

241. That's what it's like when the Queen does it.

242. I've now got a bottle of wine on my boat,

243. which is called Du Ma, by the way.

244. - Is it? - Yeah, means "boat machine".

245. With the christening ceremony complete

246. and the rainy season over,

247. it was time to begin our epic 500-mile voyage.

248. - Thank you. - Oh, sorry.

249. We are underway.

250. The Du Ma is mobile.

251. I've just noticed Hammond's boat's called Razzle Dazzle.

252. That's sophisticated, isn't it?

253. The first leg of our aquatic road trip

254. involved a sprint across the Tonlé Sap Lake.

255. And I'd been looking forward to unleashing some speed and power.

256. Sadly, though, that wasn't possible.

257. OK, the problem is - and it is a big one -

258. despite that massive rainstorm,

259. this lake is 80 miles across.

260. And at this time of year, it should be five times more than that.

261. This is not the best camerawork you've ever seen and I apologise.

262. But I think it makes the point.

263. This road here,

264. this is the road that goes round the lake.

265. But the lake at the moment is only that big.

266. It just isn't big enough.

267. Which means it isn't deep enough.

268. And don't worry, the irony is not lost on me.

269. The man who hosted a car programme for 30 years,

270. limited to seven miles an hour by global warming.

271. Is your boat... How can I put this?

272. having a dump?

273. Is that mud?

274. Yes, that's mud. You're grounding out.

275. I'm basically using a boat in a field.

276. This did not happen in Miami Vice.

277. Shallowness wasn't the only problem.

278. We also had to deal with an underwater labyrinth of hidden fishing nets.

279. It doesn't feel good.

280. Doesn't sound good.

281. Turning round.

282. Oh, he's done... What's he done, 100 yards?

283. - What the hell have you done? - I don't know.

284. - (HEAVY THUD) - Oh, you just...

285. Hammond?

286. What? Everybody stop crashing into me!

287. Are you stuck?

288. No, I just thought I'd stop here!

289. I've caught a net.

290. Why don't you just go and cut it off?

291. Why isn't this happening to you?

292. What?

293. Why aren't you catching your props in nets?

294. I haven't got any props. It's a PBR!

295. It's a jet boat. I've got two jets.

296. Really?

297. (SIGHS) Right.

298. Leaving Hammond to clear his props...

299. There! That is the problem.

300. I sailed onwards with Rear Admiral Slow.

301. James May's boat is the sort of thing

302. I can imagine they gave to Prince Charles when he was a boy

303. to play with in the bath.

304. My boat, on the other hand, was designed for fighting.

305. See, when the American military realised in the mid-'60s

306. that they needed some kind of fast patrol boat

307. for the shallow rivers of Southeast Asia,

308. they went to Hatteras,

309. which was a very respectable boat builder in America and said,

310. "You know that pleasure craft you make,

311. the 31-footer, plastic hull, Mum and Dad boat?

312. Could you convert that, move the engines further forward,

313. fit it with jets instead of propellers,

314. give it a range of 250 miles and a cruising speed of 25 knots?"

315. Massive job, really massive.

316. And Hatteras had it ready in six days!

317. Six days!

318. What they created was epic.

319. But even so, I had to have this made because today,

320. there are no working PBRs left.

321. And I find that extraordinary.

322. They've saved all the other memorabilia from the Vietnam War -

323. Hueys and guns and fighter planes and so on,

324. but nobody thought to say, "Let's save a PBR."

325. It's a brilliant bit of design, it really genuinely is.

326. Original PBRs had two Detroit diesel engines,

327. no electrics, better with water.

328. And jets made by...

329. Jacuzzi.

330. I kid you not, they were Jacuzzi jets.

331. Yes, the jets make it very difficult to steer at slow speed.

332. But apart from that, I was able to cross Cambodia's giant paddling pool

333. without any issues.

334. Oh, that's not good.

335. Things, however, were rather different for my colleagues.

336. James had snagged a net too.

337. Yeah!

338. Take that, you bastard.

339. And as Aquaman struggled to get back on board...

340. Bollocks!

341. the cooling system on Hammond's pointy Scarab filled with mud.

342. This is a lot worse than...

343. nets round the props.

344. And just after James had dried off...

345. he was back under his boat again,

346. because his intakes had also filled up with sludge.

347. This meant I had to go back and become a tow truck.

348. Ready for the dead stop? You'll like this.

349. - (ENGINE REVS) - Shit.

350. - (HEAVY THUD) - Sorry.

351. Clarkson!

352. Right, I've got you.

353. James insisted on taking charge of tying the boats together.

354. Which meant I was free to film some scenery.

355. But eventually we were tethered,

356. and set off in search of Hammond.

357. - There he is! - Yep.

358. Hammond ahoy!

359. I (BLEEP) hate boats!

360. - (AMERICAN ACCENT) Turning on the horn. - (SIREN BLARES)

361. International Crap Rescue is coming.

362. I wonder how many low-grade pornographical movies

363. have been made on Hammond's boat.

364. (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, you wanna come out rootin' and tootin'?

365. Hammond, how much semen have you found on that boat?

366. Please, I've tried to block the thought from my mind. Every...

367. Honestly, going below is like climbing into a teenager's sock.

368. With both broken boats hitched up to Thunderbird 2,

369. we trundled on, until eventually we were swamped by the night.

370. Have you got, like, a military searchlight on your boat?

371. Yes, I have.

372. Oh-hoo-hoo!

373. Hello!

374. Many hours later, having covered only ten miles,

375. we were feeling a bit unhappy.

376. But then...

377. James, are they lights?

378. Oh, yeah.

379. I think that is the town of Pursat.

380. It's not completely the bottom of the lake,

381. but we should be able to find a hotel there.

382. Having parked up...

383. Shit!

384. we checked into the town's only guesthouse

385. and then, absolutely famished, sat down for dinner.

386. Sadly, though, there wasn't much on the menu for Hammond.

387. So this is... Well, these are dragonflies.

388. Don't eat dragonflies.

389. - You've never tried one? - Nobody eats dragonflies.

390. This is... crickets.

391. These are water beetles.

392. - I don't eat water beetles. - They're tarantulas.

393. I especially don't eat tarantulas.

394. Or big spiders, anyway.

395. The thing is... during the time of Pol Pot,

396. they were starving and they had to.

397. And they actually discovered that they're lovely.

398. Do you know what Pol Pot means?

399. - Everyone thinks it's his name. - Bad menu?

400. It stands for Political Potential.

401. Same as Jeremy Corbyn. Same policies.

402. You're eating a taran...

403. No, it's a dragonfly.

404. - What do they taste like? - Dragonflies.

405. - Oh! - I knew you'd have a problem.

406. So I got you some hard-boiled eggs, Hammond.

407. Is this a...

408. This is a cricket, look.

409. Can you see that?

410. Do you eat it or do you disembowel it and then eat the flesh?

411. Oh, my God!

412. It's got a bird in it!

413. What?

414. That may be beyond my line...

415. I'm just looking at it, thinking, "Really?"

416. That is pretty revolting.

417. It is, I know, but if you've got a socialist running,

418. you know, like Britain when we've got Corbyn...

419. this is what we're going to be eating.

420. After our feast, it was time for bed.

421. And we were shown to the best rooms in the house.

422. Hang on, is that... That generator goes all the time?

423. The noise - da, da, da, da...

424. Can you make it, like, off? No?

425. Off? Da, da, da, da...

426. No?

427. OK.

428. It's impossible to think how this could be worse.

429. And there it is.

430. This...

431. What's this? Why... Why?

432. Why are they...

433. What's that, in a grown man's bedroom?

434. Dawn was magnificent.

435. And there was no need to wake the cameramen to film it.

436. Because they, like us, hadn't had a wink of sleep.

437. That. That... 4:26.

438. - Yeah. - 4:26.

439. At midnight...

440. 2am, music stops.

441. - And the dog-barking competition starts. Yeah.

442. - Till 4:26, cockerel starts. Yeah.

443. Till five. Fishing boats go out.

444. Why don't they invent the silencer?

445. They haven't got silencers for those or generators.

446. It simply hasn't reached this bit of the world for some reason.

447. Why do we do this?

448. This is a boating holiday.

449. - Yeah. Brilliant. - Life afloat. The glamour.

450. To cheer ourselves up,

451. we decided to shop for provisions.

452. And we were in for a bit of a surprise,

453. because this town was the Venice of the East.

454. There were floating houses with satellite TV,

455. floating workshops,

456. floating supermarkets,

457. a hospital

458. and even a church.

459. Look at this! It's a high street.

460. So they've moved the town to where...

461. Well, wherever the lake is, the town is always at the edge of it.

462. Well, it moves itself.

463. So what do we need?

464. We need earplugs, we need sleeping pills,

465. something to wash the sleeping pills down, I'm thinking strong beer...

466. Yeah.

467. Maybe so strong it's called whisky.

468. Yeah, that beer. If nobody minds,

469. I'd like to buy some cleaning products.

470. Oh, because of the pornography that's gone on on your boat?

471. Eugh! What's gone on down there does not bear thinking about.

472. Unfortunately, trying to navigate

473. through the busy streets

474. exposed the PBR's Achilles heel:

475. its mind-of-its-own steering at slow speeds.

476. Oh, God!

477. Look at it. Full left lock.

478. - (HEAVY THUD) Just concentrate on—

479. Don't do that!

480. So this one is now going... This one's back.

481. And that one's forwards.

482. - No, that hasn't worked. - Backwards, backwards.

483. Anything you want to buy from this shop? Cos we're arriving at it.

484. Oh, oh! - (HEAVY THUD)

485. Having finally crashed into the correct shop...

486. we set about loading up with supplies.

487. - Got mops. - That says beer.

488. Do you have, erm...

489. tablet for...

490. Yeah, but for...

491. for sleeping... (TRUMPETS) .. elephant.

492. So, big.

493. But not for... Well, it could kill him.

494. That's what I mean. Oh, right, OK.

495. With the shopping done,

496. we resumed our journey

497. across the shallow, net-infested lake.

498. I am under my own power for now.

499. Ts and Ps looking good.

500. Hammond too had mended his engines.

501. But he daren't fire them up

502. for fear of destroying them in the mud.

503. So he was still being towed.

504. I found a very kind and generous local fisherman

505. to pull me along behind his little boat,

506. that doesn't have a silencer on it.

507. That boat wasn't powerful enough,

508. so he found a mate and then another mate,

509. and they've tied all their boats together.

510. None of their engines have silencers.

511. And we are now travelling at a speed too slow to register on any device.

512. Bo-o-o-ored!

513. Unlike my colleagues,

514. I wasn't struggling with a Dickensian propulsion system.

515. Thank you.

516. But even so, I had run into a problem.

517. Right, this is the end of the lake.

518. I've made it.

519. And there's the river, I think, over there.

520. However, between me and it...

521. there is a small obstacle.

522. The mouth of the river was absolutely jammed with densely packed weed.

523. So, to get through it, I decided to ditch Slow and Careful,

524. and call on my old friends Speed and Power.

525. Come on!

526. Rise!

527. Ye-e-e-eees!

528. No! No! No! It's all gone wrong!

529. Yeah, we're stuck.

530. I think I filled my intakes up with leaves.

531. Aarg!

532. Meanwhile, back on the lake...

533. my life was getting even worse.

534. Right, situation update. I've run aground.

535. I can't even turn my boat into wind cos it's stuck.

536. And there's a storm coming.

537. And it wasn't like my camera boat could help

538. because that was beached as well.

539. Oh, look at those poor sods.

540. And then, to rub salt in the wounds...

541. Are you stuck? I thought you were waiting for me.

542. No, I'm stuck. But my boat's not powerful enough to tow—

543. Nothing I can do. I thought you were waiting for me.

544. I didn't know you were stuck.

545. I'm really sorry.

546. Oh, hell.

547. Oh, God.

548. Back in the lettuce field, I'd enlisted the help

549. of the few remaining locals not being employed by James and Richard.

550. It is actually moving.

551. Yes! Yes!

552. Yes!

553. The mighty PBR has been freed by the local chaps.

554. Soon, I was also being towed.

555. So I had time to reflect on the awfulness of our boating holiday.

556. I mean, it's farcical.

557. We've got half of Cambodia in the water

558. freeing us from fishing nets and ropes,

559. and trying to pull out the camera crew boats. They're all stuck.

560. It's rubbish!

561. Are you stuck?

562. Yeah?

563. Is he stuck?

564. Right.

565. They're all stuck.

566. Eventually, though, Hammond and I found deeper water,

567. and were able to proceed under own own steam.

568. I have two engines!

569. It's Clarkson.

570. Calling Commander Clarkson.

571. Right, chaps? Er... welcome,

572. first of all. Nice to have you here.

573. No time for pleasantries, though.

574. The problem we have is that is a very significant chunk of weeds,

575. and this can do everything except go through them.

576. The issue was that my giant V8s would suck the leaves

577. into the jets and clog them up.

578. So Hammond and May decided to slice a path through the veg patch

579. using their old-fashioned props.

580. Here we go into the reeds.

581. Hand on throttle.

582. I was then towed through by a local.

583. Here I am going through the salad,

584. pre-minced by Hammond and May with their 19th-century propellers.

585. Ooh, it's not liking this at all.

586. Watching my temperatures. They're climbing already.

587. Bit snaggy.

588. Oh, come on.

589. Come on, boat.

590. Nevertheless, our salad mincers kept chopping away.

591. Hammond, it opens up down there.

592. Can you see? About 200 yards.

593. Yes, clear water. Oh, yes.

594. Yes!

595. I'm weed free!

596. What a victory for the antique, eh?

597. We then sailed down a narrow channel

598. created by the fishermen.

599. Do you know what's the most amazing thing about these reeds,

600. apart from that they look like giant flat-leaf parsley?

601. It's that, according to a local, if I understood him correctly,

602. they weren't even here ten days ago.

603. And now there are miles of them.

604. Ten days!

605. Imagine if you could grow vegetables that quickly.

606. Joyfully, though, the river eventually opened up.

607. And, finally, after two days of frustration,

608. all of us were able to open the taps.

609. For me especially, this was great

610. because it meant I finally had some steering.

611. Oh, yes! Look at this! The speed!

612. The speed!

613. Oh-ho-ho!

614. Oh, my word!

615. Come on, boat machine!

616. Du Ma!

617. Mind you, when I say all of us had opened the taps...

618. Fuel and temperature's good.

619. Oil pressure is excellent.

620. I believe I am boating.

621. We were now on the Tonlé Sap,

622. the only river in the world where the flow

623. changes direction according to the season.

624. And straightaway,

625. Hammond and I had important work to do.

626. Do you wanna see who's got the quicker boat?

627. Oh, this is so inevitable!

628. Right, what we're gonna have now is a drag race.

629. And that's when he will see the vast superiority of the jet,

630. the instant torque and acceleration of jet power.

631. With a far-off bridge chosen as the finish point,

632. we lined up for a run.

633. Three... two... one... Go.

634. Oh, no!

635. There you go, there's the difference. Trimming my jets.

636. And that's goodbye, Mr Hammond.

637. I'm up on the plane now.

638. Ha-ha!

639. Oh, no, he... Look at him.

640. And here he's coming back at me.

641. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

642. No! Come on, boat machine, you can do this!

643. No! No! I won't have this!

644. I'm gonna do it! Come on!

645. Here's the finish line!

646. Yea-aaah!

647. No! No! - (BOAT'S HORN BLARES)

648. Ghastly little Brummie in his HMS Pornography.

649. Having lost the ridiculous drag race,

650. I proposed a high-speed brake test.

651. Ready? We're in full forward thrust with my jets.

652. And I'm about to go into full reverse thrust.

653. Instantly. Just lowers some buckets down

654. and the water shoots forwards instead of back.

655. What Hammond didn't know is that this is a PBR party piece.

656. Three... two... one... Go.

657. Jesus Christ!

658. No, I-I will give you that! You won that!

659. That was quite a soaking.

660. Famously, these PBRs can stop from top speed to a dead stop

661. in their own length, 31 feet.

662. There's water still dribbling down that camera, look, from that wave!

663. I think I just proved... that story's true.

664. Meanwhile, several miles back,

665. I'd pinned my engine to try and catch up with the other two.

666. Oh, cock!

667. My cushion's in the water.

668. Bollocks!

669. So, if I go full-right steering...

670. Stop.

671. What the bloody hell is...?

672. Hammond, you've gotta try a bit of wave jumping, it's hilarious.

673. (LAUGHTER) Oh, I like that game!

674. There's Richard Hammond playing in the waves.

675. What could possibly go wrong?

676. Unlikely to be a fire for once.

677. Damn it, I'm enjoying it! Must not enjoy boating.

678. Ya-ha-ha-hay!

679. While May entertained the locals,

680. Hammond and I were nearing Cambodia's capital city.

681. Yes! Phnom Penh.

682. There's Phnom Penh dead ahead.

683. I am in slight wonderment.

684. Nobody told me when I failed my A Levels

685. that one day I'd be driving a PBR

686. down the Tonlé Sap River into Phnom Penh.

687. Mainly because back then Cambodia was...

688. entirely impossible to get into

689. because it was run by the biggest lunatic the world's ever seen,

690. Pol Pot.

691. The man killed 25 per cent of the Cambodian population.

692. 25 per cent.

693. He just said that anybody who could speak a foreign language,

694. or who had soft hands, or wore glasses...

695. Anyone remotely intelligent had to be killed.

696. If you haven't seen the movie The Killing Fields,

697. please watch it, please.

698. You'll get an idea from that of the horror.

699. Having parked up, we decided to wait for James at the FCC.

700. I reckon this is one of the coolest bars

701. anywhere in the world.

702. Back in the day when Cambodia was, let's say, a troubled nation,

703. this is where all the foreign correspondents

704. for all of the world's media outlets

705. used to meet for a drink,

706. hence FCC, Foreign Correspondents' Club.

707. It's when there was some romance in journalism.

708. Oh, and expense accounts.

709. And drinking. They drank a lot.

710. - You can feel it in the room. - You can.

711. You can sense ruined cirrhosis.

712. Some intelligent, hammered minds.

713. They used to come in here with guns they'd found,

714. get absolutely slaughtered,

715. and then just shoot guns from the balconies.

716. You could do clay beer-bottle shoots but with AKs!

717. "I've drunk 17 beers."

718. "And we're going to have a considerable fight."

719. "And then I'm going to write my copy with a broken nose."

720. After we'd raised a glass or ten to the ghosts of the past,

721. James finally arrived.

722. And we decided to buy some things

723. to make our lives on board more comfortable.

724. Oooh, missed 'em.

725. Why don't we go to the market first of all?

726. A real local market for local people?

727. - Yes. - Yeah, let's go there.

728. - Come on! - Yeah!

729. That's using internal combustion.

730. What about global warming?

731. Eventually, we found the local market.

732. And immediately we were distracted by all the pretty watches.

733. That's a Breitling.

734. I thought Breitling would take better care of their display than this.

735. Look at the Hublot. That's a tasteful watch.

736. And so light for such exquisite quality.

737. And all these diamonds.

738. - Omega. - Omega?

739. See, that is my Omega.

740. And this one is orange but in every other way, identical.

741. Jezza?

742. They haven't realised it,

743. but there's a gold Rolex there

744. and there's a Planet Ocean Omega there.

745. I just asked how much a Seamaster is.

746. These are about £3,000 in the UK, yes?

747. - Yes. - Guess how much they are here.

748. I don't know, 2,000.

749. - £50. - £50?

750. I mean, I know their overheads are low, but that's extraordinary.

751. That must mean the mark-up on those watches is enormous.

752. Exactly.

753. Oh, hello. Hello!

754. Is that a real Jaguar belt?

755. I've got a Ja-a-ag.

756. How much is this?

757. 22 Dollars.

758. 25. And here, because you're a nice chap...

759. - Yeah? - Erm... keep it. Thank you.

760. Nothing on God's green earth annoys me more

761. than European people haggling in places like this.

762. Cos they're haggling over a dollar...

763. It doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter,

764. and it matters a lot to them.

765. Just pay the price.

766. - How much? - 75.

767. Ow! I was thinking 25.

768. Having stocked up on luxury goods,

769. we went in search of some more practical items.

770. Oh, hello! Cooking, cooking.

771. Yes.

772. Something for getting rid of flies.

773. Here.

774. - Flies, zz. - (LAUGHS)

775. - Taser. - Taser?

776. - (CRACKLES) - Oh, gee.

777. - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) - (LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

778. Thank you. You're a life saver. It's very hot.

779. What's that woman with the gold outfit?

780. That looks Hindu.

781. - Is it very old? - Yes.

782. It is? Oh.

783. - Are these old as well? - Yes.

784. Can I have another one for the other armpit?

785. Having bought all we needed to make a night afloat more comfortable,

786. we immediately checked into a five-star hotel...

787. - Good evening. - Good evening.

788. Oh, of course, that's very kind. Thank you.

789. and then went to the rooftop bar.

790. So, that is the government building down there.

791. Which I... Look at the lighting on that.

792. It's one of the cleverest... Cos it looks like curtains.

793. It looks like theatre curtains closing or opening.

794. Is that where the Prime Minister hangs out?

795. - No, no, don't, don't, don't. - He's not there?

796. No, don't call him Prime Minister.

797. Well, what is he, then?

798. Well, weirdly, I was reading the Financial Times.

799. And I've saved it. Hang on.

800. Mr Hun Sen, a ruler of 31 years,

801. who insists on being referred to as:

802. "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander."

803. So, if you are referring to him, you must say,

804. "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander."

805. His wife, Bun Rany, she is officially known as:

806. "Most glorious and upright person of genius."

807. I want to be called... In fact, I want—

808. Most glorious and upright person of genius.

809. I want you two to start calling me that.

810. After a bit more conversation, we went to bed.

811. Well, one of us did.

812. I've got paint, paint brushes,

813. and then I've got spray paint.

814. Where's the bicycles?

815. Oh, they're here. Thank you.

816. Thank you so much. Thank you very much.

817. I love to follow you.

818. The next morning, I fitted my new lavatory seat and air-conditioning unit.

819. James installed his drinks fridge.

820. And after Hammond had slipped into his new shirt...

821. we set off.

822. And immediately, it was hard to keep a straight face.

823. We have played jokes on one another before,

824. but I'm not sure we've ever pulled one as good as this.

825. From where Richard Hammond is standing,

826. he has no idea what James and I have done.

827. Hey, guys?

828. This is the first time we've run under our own steam as a three.

829. Yeah, it feels good.

830. I'm not sure it feels that good, though, does it?

831. Do you know what might feel better?

832. Thank you.

833. Very funny.

834. We were now 150 miles into our journey

835. and leaving the Tonlé Sap

836. to join the world's most iconic river -

837. the mighty Mekong.

838. And I was going down it at full chat in a jet boat.

839. These jets, they're New Zealand jets, and they are epic.

840. The jet skis you rent on holiday,

841. they have one impeller in a tube,

842. suck water in, shoot it out the back and go along.

843. The jets in this are a bit different.

844. They're two-stage impellers.

845. One sucks the water in and gets it spinning,

846. fires it into the second one that properly hammers it out the back.

847. Instant acceleration, and a lot of it.

848. Speed boating.

849. There really was one of these in Miami Vice.

850. Don Johnson drove around in it with his sleeves rolled up, looking cool.

851. And, in fact, this is a Scarab Thunder,

852. and it was built specially for a television series

853. called Thunder starring Hulk Hogan.

854. It lasted one season.

855. It was crap.

856. But the boat exists.

857. Another funny thing about boats.

858. When you have a car, you never, ever run it at max revs all day.

859. But with boats, that's what you do.

860. Have you ever driven a car where you've just...

861. maxed it from the moment you start in the morning

862. and left it maxed all day?

863. Yeah, I had a company Renault Clio for a while

864. and that's how I drove it.

865. Meanwhile, a long way further back,

866. I was contemplating the enormity of this incredible river.

867. Here's a stat for you.

868. The volume of fish caught in the Mekong

869. is 13 times greater than the volume of fish

870. caught in all of America's inland waterways combined.

871. 60 million people depend on the Mekong for food or their livelihood.

872. 60 million people.

873. So messing this up with things like damming

874. could be as bad as nuclear war.

875. Up ahead, Jeremy and I were trying to create

876. a professional impression at the Vietnamese border checkpoint.

877. - Oh, that hasn't worked. - (HEAVY THUD)

878. - Oh. - (HEAVY THUD)

879. Yeah.

880. - Hi. - Thank you.

881. We're experienced travellers passing through.

882. Yeah, we were born in boats, really.

883. Hammond, I'm really sorry,

884. but the customs man's dog has died.

885. Oh, no. Oh, what a terrible time to arrive.

886. I'm not sure he's gonna be very happy.

887. Hello.

888. I'm beginning to suspect there may be man-made fibres

889. involved in this shirt of mine.

890. It's uncomfortable.

891. With the paperwork done,

892. I observed nautical courtesy with the flags,

893. donned a PBR-crew black beret...

894. Right.

895. and roared into the Nam.

896. Suddenly, the PBR is feeling alive and sprightly.

897. This is what it was built to do,

898. hammer down the Mekong River in Vietnam.

899. Cambodia, Mekong River virtually empty.

900. In Vietnam now, Mekong River very full of commerce.

901. I, too, was in Vietnam at this point,

902. and something was dawning on me.

903. Strikes me I'm being a bit of a mug because I'm thrashing this boat,

904. but it only does 23 km/h, about 11.5 knots,

905. and I'm trying to catch up with people I don't even want to be with anyway.

906. So, I decided to ease off and break out my new fishing rod.

907. That is working a treat. I should really have a spinner on

908. or something like that, but...

909. Yeah, that's fishing.

910. In the most densely fish-populated

911. fishing place in the world.

912. After a few miles, I turned off the Mekong

913. and asked Hammond to follow me to the town of Chau Doc.

914. And this time, when we arrived under the watchful gaze of yet more officials,

915. we were determined to park well.

916. Jeremy? You've now got my boat and I'm not on it!

917. What?

918. I'm not on it and it's no longer tied on!

919. - It's not tied on on that end? - No, it's come off!

920. - Why didn't you tie it on? - I thought I had!

921. Oh, for God's sake. Your boat's got free, Hammond.

922. I quickly picked up Richard so he could re-acquire his boat.

923. - (ALARM BLARES) - OK, that's that test concluded,

924. "Where would it go?" test. It went to there.

925. Yeah, exactly. So we now know—

926. That's the drift, we've established the drift, it goes that way.

927. Everything we need to know.

928. Finally, we managed to tie ourselves to some land.

929. And that is how we do that.

930. And it was at this point Hammond got the joke.

931. - I've just seen it! - What?

932. What you've done to my boat.

933. - Have I been... - Yes, all day.

934. - How have I not seen that? - You haven't seen it all day.

935. You've been through Cambodian customs, Vietnamese immigration,

936. - Vietnamese customs. - Oh, my God!

937. You've driven probably 100 miles down the Mekong.

938. - I waved at people. "Hi!" - The thing is, Hammond,

939. it's very bad luck to change the name of a boat.

940. Oh, God.

941. Anyway, I'll leave you to ponder that.

942. The reason why...

943. we've parked here in this quite tight spot

944. and come to this town is because

945. I want to tell you a little story.

946. On January 31st, 1968

947. the town of Chau Doc was overrun...

948. as part of the Tet Offensive.

949. A flotilla of PBRs set about rescuing Americans

950. whilst others covered the evacuation with a stream of heavy machine-gun fire.

951. It then turned out that in a house near the hospital,

952. a 24-year-old American nurse called Maggie Frankot was stranded.

953. Her Jeep was shot to pieces.

954. The fighting was everywhere.

955. There were Viet Cong soldiers all around her house.

956. Some of them were even in it.

957. Special Forces soldiers brought in by the PBRs

958. eventually reached Maggie's location.

959. And after a massive battle,

960. she was dragged from the house with an injured knee

961. and carried to one of the waiting boats.

962. Afterwards, the Special Forces soldier responsible for these heroics,

963. Sergeant Drew Dix, was honoured with a Presidential Citation.

964. But the captain of the PBR

965. that sped her away from the town and to safety,

966. a man called Lieutenant William H Buddy O'Brien,

967. did even better because, a year later...

968. she married him.

969. I should call this thing The Love Boat.

970. As it was getting late, I decided to pull over

971. and use my improvised kitchen

972. to produce something I'd learned on a recent holiday.

973. - I came to Vietnam, as you know... - Yes.

974. And in the mornings, I learnt Vietnamese,

975. and then in the afternoons, I did a cookery course

976. on how to make Pho.

977. I mean, a lot of people think I'm just this big,

978. blundering idiot that can't wire a plug.

979. - That's the fella I'm thinking about. - Absolutely right, I am.

980. - Do you like onions? - Yeah.

981. Now, this is good-quality beef.

982. I'm tempted to cook it a bit on the ladle.

983. In Pho, there are 124 different herbs and spices.

984. Erm... the... the car element

985. of our car show is less prominent at the moment.

986. Because we're on a boat talking about cooking.

987. - But in a minute... - Yes?

988. or a second, they'll cut back to James

989. who will be talking about some mechanical thing.

990. You're right.

991. Oh, listen to that interesting beat.

992. My engine goes in and out of phase with the engine on the camera boat.

993. Can you hear it?

994. If I change the revs by a tiny amount...

995. Whir, whir, whir...

996. - Right, we are good to go. - Thank you.

997. Oh, I say!

998. This is not half bad.

999. Seriously? Or are you just being nice to me?

1000. No, it is... It is genuinely very good.

1001. Look at that view.

1002. Mm.

1003. After we'd had our fill,

1004. it was time to clear up.

1005. - That's really hot! - Yeah, it is hot.

1006. - Yeah. - Let go.

1007. Observe the genius that I am.

1008. We're not polluting the river, by the way.

1009. That all adds to the nutrients, doesn't it?

1010. - That's biodegradable. - That is not polluting the river.

1011. Anyone who writes in and says you're polluting the river,

1012. I shall write back and go, "No, we're just not."

1013. "You're an arse!"

1014. There they are, I think.

1015. Yes.

1016. May, is that you coming out of the gloom?

1017. Yes, it is. Ahoy.

1018. Perfect timing, mate, we're leaving.

1019. We've gotta go find the Mekong.

1020. Hang on, I thought we were having a Pho?

1021. We did have one. It was brilliant.

1022. Yeah, sorry, I tried to save you some

1023. but Richard threw it in the river,

1024. literally threw your portion in the river.

1025. Well, thanks very much after my very arduous day.

1026. Sadly, his day was about to get even more arduous

1027. because we had to re-find the Mekong,

1028. and I was the only one equipped for night running.

1029. My situation update.

1030. I am steering by my head torch

1031. strapped to the flagpole thing on the front.

1032. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

1033. Why do I always end up with no headlights?

1034. Every bloody trip.

1035. And to make things worse...

1036. Gentlemen, I have a poorly engine.

1037. It's overheating badly.

1038. It's starting to backfire and cough.

1039. The reason you're having all these problems

1040. is because you've changed the name of your boat.

1041. Yes, well, I didn't change it, did I?

1042. As I was the only one with sat nav and a proper light,

1043. it was up to me to navigate.

1044. And I just saw a little passageway. Hang on.

1045. There is, there is a passageway.

1046. Follow me.

1047. I know this looks dodgy

1048. but this is the way back to the Mekong.

1049. Ooh.

1050. However, as soon as I made the turn,

1051. I realised I had a problem.

1052. Not more weeds. Please God, no.

1053. Any minute now, I'm under the boat,

1054. picking bits of lettuce out of my jets.

1055. And, sure enough, 100 yards later...

1056. That's me dead. I have no drive.

1057. I solved this by paying a local to clear the intakes.

1058. And then I soldiered on with him and our translator for company.

1059. This was useful because it meant I could clear up something

1060. that had been puzzling me.

1061. Could you answer this for me?

1062. My boat is called... (RAISED INFLEXION): Du Ma.

1063. And everybody laughs when I go, "Du Ma."

1064. Everybody laughs for a reason.

1065. But it means "Boat Machine."

1066. Boat Machine?

1067. Du: boat. Ma: machine.

1068. So, why is that funny?

1069. It's a similar pronunciation to

1070. "f*** your mother" in Vietnamese.

1071. - What? - Mmm. (LAUGHS)

1072. - Yes. - You're joking?

1073. Oh, right.

1074. I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive.

1075. - (HEAVY THUD) - Oh, shit.

1076. I'm in a tree. Big problem.

1077. As it was late and Hammond's boat was poorly,

1078. and I was in a tree, we decided to make camp.

1079. And we woke the next morning in a blanket of drizzle

1080. with no idea where we were.

1081. It's all gone a bit English-boating-holiday, hasn't it?

1082. Yeah.

1083. Why did he turn off the Mekong, anyway?

1084. He wanted to stop off and make a history programme or something.

1085. No, listen, he did a cooking show last night as well. You missed that.

1086. My pho was so light and beautiful...

1087. Oh, this man's going to see me!

1088. They're gonna be scarred for life.

1089. - Morning. - (DOGS BARKING)

1090. If he falls in and follows his own turd—

1091. - Trousers. - .. into the lavatory bowl...

1092. and emerges with it stuck to his head...

1093. Someone would say, "There's a particularly massive turd in the river this morning."

1094. With the morning ablutions complete,

1095. it was time to move on.

1096. And, since it was Jeremy who'd got us lost,

1097. we decided it was up to him to get us un-lost.

1098. You're in charge of charts. Lead the way.

1099. We shall reacquire the Mekong very soon.

1100. Yeah, I hope so. For your sake, really.

1101. I admit we are entirely lost

1102. and none of these canals are marked on the map.

1103. (SNIFFS) Ooh.

1104. A few miles later, while still not on the Mekong,

1105. we came across a floating market...

1106. and decided to buy some breakfast.

1107. It's not really a supermarket, is it?

1108. Where do I... What do I do?

1109. You drive in there, pull up alongside a boat

1110. where you like the look of the produce, and then buy it.

1111. For Richard and James, this turned out to be easy.

1112. - Thank you. - Thank you.

1113. But for me, in the unruly PBR...

1114. Oh, my God!

1115. (BLEEP) hell!

1116. I can't steer it.

1117. - Oh, my giddy aunt. - (CRASHING)

1118. - (WOMAN CALLS OUT) - Sorry. Sorry.

1119. I'm just... I'm gonna have... Oh, no, no, no, no.

1120. - (CRASHING) - Hammond, I've smashed your window.

1121. Yeah, I can see that.

1122. - Yeah. - (BEEPING)

1123. - Stop beeping! Hello, hello.

1124. Hello. What's that?

1125. - (SHE LAUGHS) Yes. - 50 cents. OK.

1126. - OK. OK. - I've bought... What are they?

1127. - Move the...! - (THUD)

1128. Ooh. Sorry.

1129. I'll go over here. I meant...

1130. - (THUD) - Don't...

1131. Don't spin around again. Oh, no!

1132. - (THUD) - Sorry.

1133. Tomatoes. Excellent. And an onion.

1134. Thank you. No idea what that is.

1135. Wait a minute. This is looking good.

1136. I think, for once... Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

1137. - It's gone wrong. - (THUD)

1138. Oh, God. Sorry. I'm gonna break his rudder.

1139. Oh... Yeah.

1140. I eventually left empty-handed.

1141. But, as James prepared his breakfast...

1142. Ahh!

1143. we found the Mekong.

1144. Sadly, however, it didn't end our problems.

1145. If we followed this particular bit of the Mekong, or this one,

1146. or any of the others,

1147. we'd end up in the sea,

1148. and avoiding any form of sea

1149. in our riverboats was critical.

1150. So, we had to find another path through the delta.

1151. This meant turning off the Mekong again

1152. and onto another canal, which made Hammond very angry.

1153. Oh, this looks weird!

1154. We're on another bloody canal!

1155. Oh, for God's sake.

1156. Hammond, if I still had 50 cals on the front of this,

1157. I promise I would open up on you right now.

1158. Yes, well, you haven't. And there's a reason for that.

1159. Because you'd probably lose them the same way you lost the massive river.

1160. You'd lose your massive machine gun.

1161. It cannot be this way.

1162. I was convinced we were going in the right direction

1163. and for the right reasons.

1164. But, still, none of these canals appeared on my sat-nav system.

1165. OK. So, we're going south. We're going the wrong way.

1166. If I do a left and a right...

1167. we'll wiggle about and I'll be fine.

1168. I think there's a left turn here.

1169. If we take this, I think that'll help us find the correct Mekong.

1170. Or just get us more lost.

1171. Jeremy Clarkson, would you like to rethink this? This is your chance.

1172. (EXHALES) Calm.

1173. Eventually, we came to an aquatic T-junction.

1174. So, which way is it?

1175. Right, chaps, we're gonna go...

1176. Take a right, James.

1177. I followed James,

1178. which meant Jeremy was directing us from the back.

1179. So this right turn that you announced with absolute confidence

1180. is based on what?

1181. Hope.

1182. Hammond, when you get through that,

1183. could you just look back and see if I can?

1184. - What? - Hammond! Hammond! Hammond!

1185. Oh, oh, oh, that's not gonna work!

1186. Ah, that didn't fit.

1187. - Thanks, Hammond! - Well, I was... I... I...

1188. I was getting through before I could turn round.

1189. Do you know what that means, Hammond? The nav's gone.

1190. Oh, well, it's done us a lot of bloody good so far, hasn't it!

1191. Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost!

1192. As we continued, the problems started

1193. to come not from above but from below.

1194. I think I'm bumping the bottom here occasionally.

1195. I think I did just now, as well.

1196. Oh, I am hitting the bottom.

1197. Oh, wait a minute.

1198. Hammond, it's a dead end. It's a dead end, for God's sake.

1199. - (ENGINE WHINING) - (HIGH-PITCHED TONE)

1200. Sod it, I'm beached. Completely beached.

1201. You what? - And I can't turn round. Save yourself.

1202. But it was too late for that.

1203. - (DULL THUDDING) - Oh, for God's sake.

1204. I could have turned round, but...

1205. I'm weeded up. I'm losing drive.

1206. I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive.

1207. And you're looking for what? Sympathy?

1208. Now all three of us were beached.

1209. Well, this is crap, isn't it!

1210. OK, chaps, here is the situation.

1211. Using my intellect and genius,

1212. I've deduced this is tidal.

1213. We can see where the tide was,

1214. so we simply have to wait for it to come back up again.

1215. - Yeah, but it's going down. - Yes, that's my worry.

1216. Whatever happens, we are definitely stuck here for a little while.

1217. It's actually a really nice spot, weirdly.

1218. Apart from the slowly-exposed bucket of fetid mud.

1219. Do you want a tomato? - No.

1220. - Do you want a potato? - No.

1221. - Would you like an onion? - No.

1222. Guys. I've got my iPad. I can watch a movie.

1223. There's a show on Prime Video here,

1224. it's called The Grand Tour.

1225. I don't like it. It's rubbish.

1226. There's this one bloke on it I can't stand.

1227. What are the locals thinking right now about us?

1228. "They're making a movie and they've (BLEEP) it up completely."

1229. Another hour passed, and with the water still draining away,

1230. it went dark.

1231. Having waited most of the night, in a cloud of mosquitos,

1232. for the tide to refloat us,

1233. we retraced our steps and suffered more damage in the process.

1234. So, the bridge that

1235. ruined the radar dome on the way in,

1236. on the way out, knocked off my nav lights,

1237. my spotlight, and bent my roof here.

1238. Which means every time I walk past, I hit my head.

1239. So... I'm gonna tie this on as a reminder

1240. to not hit my head.

1241. On the up-side, I had found the correct canal -

1242. a route that would keep us away from the South China Sea.

1243. Unfortunately, everyone else had found it too.

1244. Holy cow!

1245. This like a motorway for water lorries.

1246. - (HORN HONKS) - I have never seen the like.

1247. And in order to have any steering in the PBR,

1248. I had to go down the motorway...

1249. as fast as possible.

1250. Jinking to miss the cargo.

1251. Oh, no, wait. I'm gonna go right.

1252. Going right. Changed my mind.

1253. This is a head-on. I'm heading for a head-on.

1254. - (HORN TOOTS) - (JEREMY CHUCKLES)

1255. Look how loaded that barge is.

1256. If you saw that anywhere else in the world, you'd say,

1257. "Oh, my God! That's about to sink!"

1258. But, no, it's just plodding along.

1259. What the hell's happened here?

1260. Holy cow.

1261. I think what's happened is he's beached the back end of it

1262. and now he's spun round...

1263. Oh, this is just hilarious.

1264. Oh, dear, oh, dear. That's really bad.

1265. How did he do that?

1266. Mind you, you'd say that looking at us lot last night.

1267. Soon, however, this wasn't the only boat in trouble.

1268. Oh, that smells terrible now and there's a lot of smoke.

1269. Ohh...

1270. My right-hand engine is overheating.

1271. I think, actually, it might be on fire.

1272. Still, at least it then rained,

1273. so I didn't have to worry about the fire spreading.

1274. Oh, God almighty!

1275. Being a caring soul,

1276. I decided to go back to see if I could help.

1277. Switching to wet weather mode.

1278. And I'll give James a fly-by. I know he enjoys them.

1279. Here we go.

1280. Clarkson!

1281. What's the matter?

1282. Uh, I've lost drive on both sides, pretty much.

1283. Oh, actually, I know how to...

1284. fix a slipping prop shaft.

1285. - How? - Get the boat out of the water,

1286. send for new parts from America,

1287. and then ask a man to fit them.

1288. With that advice dispensed, I was on my way back.

1289. Oh, no.

1290. We're hoping to reach the finish point today.

1291. We're only 100 kilometres now from Vung Tau.

1292. But, at this rate, I'm not sure that's gonna happen.

1293. In order to hold us up as little as possible,

1294. I attached myself to a camera boat,

1295. so I could do repairs on the move.

1296. This one is not firing on all cylinders. That one's not good either.

1297. I'm gonna change all of the plugs, all of the leads.

1298. The fuel is filthy around here,

1299. so I'm gonna change the fuel filters.

1300. I'm gonna clean the air filters.

1301. There is a leak coming through the exhaust stack

1302. at the back, with a blown hose.

1303. I've got to change that or I'll sink.

1304. To work!

1305. Leaving Richard to try and mend

1306. his burning colander...

1307. I finally sailed clear of the rain.

1308. Oh, no!

1309. My expensive Bell & Ross is all fogged up.

1310. That's going back.

1311. Even further ahead, I'd left the canal

1312. and was entering one of the delta's giant estuaries.

1313. This one's a long way from home,

1314. taking a lot of Vietnamese training shoes to Panama.

1315. Power is good. Temperature's good.

1316. Fuel is very... Ooh, Christ, fuel is very low. Oh, dear.

1317. But, actually, that was OK

1318. because in busy, industrious Vietnam

1319. you can summon a Deliveroo-style refuelling boat.

1320. I'm heading at 120 degrees.

1321. OK, I'll keep my eye open.

1322. And, sure enough, half an hour later...

1323. - (HORN TOOTS) - Oh, here he is.

1324. You see, this is service,

1325. from this environmentally-friendly boat that's arrived.

1326. I've been joined by the Rainbow Warrior.

1327. Actually creating a lake of soot.

1328. Once I'd refuelled, I sailed into what is -

1329. for my boat at least...

1330. home.

1331. Today, this particular area is known as the National Biosphere.

1332. This is one of the most fertile places on Earth.

1333. Anything grows here.

1334. You could plant Richard Hammond

1335. and in the morning he'd be three feet taller.

1336. But the Americans used to call it something different.

1337. They called it The Forest of the Assassins.

1338. And it was the job of the PBR boys

1339. to root those assassins out.

1340. That was no easy task

1341. 'cause we're talking about 500 square miles of forest,

1342. criss-crossed by 3,000 miles of rivers and creeks.

1343. It was the perfect place

1344. for the Viet Cong to wage guerrilla warfare...

1345. against America's little unarmoured war boats.

1346. Initially, the crews were trained in America by the army,

1347. and then they were trained by the navy,

1348. and then they were told to just come out here and get on with it.

1349. They literally put four teenagers, as often as not,

1350. on an armed speedboat and sent them out here to do fighting.

1351. Armaments?

1352. Well, all of the boats had twin 50 cals upfront...

1353. and a single 50 at the back.

1354. But, beyond that, the captain could fit what he wanted.

1355. Some went for 40-millimetre grenade launchers.

1356. Some had 60-millimetre mortars.

1357. Some had rocket launchers.

1358. Some carried Claymore mines to leave on the banks.

1359. And it was the same free-for-all when it came to air support.

1360. Some PBR captains called in fast jets when they were attacked.

1361. And some preferred to work in tandem with helicopter gunships.

1362. Some guys, however, liked to handle the fight on their own.

1363. There was one guy called James E Williams.

1364. He came round a corner. His route was blocked

1365. by eight enemy boats all firing at him.

1366. So, he ordered his front machine-gunner to fire back,

1367. and then engaged full speed

1368. and rammed into the enemy boats.

1369. Then he turned round, engaged full speed again,

1370. and rammed into the ones that hadn't been turned into matchwood

1371. on his first pass.

1372. He got the Congressional Medal of Honor for that one.

1373. And I'm not surprised.

1374. Of course, you'd imagine that a plastic boat

1375. would be easy pickings for a sniper hiding in the undergrowth.

1376. But that's not so, as I shall now demonstrate.

1377. PBR captains would always drive very fast,

1378. so they had steering, and very close to the bank.

1379. If it was the bank where the sniper was hiding...

1380. I mean, if you're in there, you've got no chance.

1381. All you have to do is keep the hammer down and keep close to a bank.

1382. Then you're a sniper's nightmare.

1383. - (THUD) - Oh, shit.

1384. Right, what I've just done is - there's no other word - I've crashed.

1385. How have you done that?

1386. OK, what happened was I came round this corner here,

1387. there were some school children swimming,

1388. and a shark was homing in for an attack.

1389. So, I ran the shark down, and then got stuck in my own wake.

1390. And it's just... Well, I've crashed now.

1391. But the school children are all fine.

1392. At first, a camera crew tried to pull me off,

1393. but the PBR was too heavy.

1394. Now what are you gonna do?

1395. Well, that's a good question.

1396. We were all stumped.

1397. And that's because we hadn't reckoned on the ingenuity of the locals,

1398. who decided to pull the boat from the front.

1399. Right, um... Ooh, it's moving. Is it?

1400. It's actually... Uh, we're moving.

1401. I'm moving. I am moving.

1402. I am absolutely staggered.

1403. Look at this! This is a four-ton boat.

1404. Yes!

1405. You are a genius!

1406. I must admit, that was a fantastic effort.

1407. I didn't think that was gonna shift.

1408. You know, people always say, "How did the Vietnamese beat

1409. the French, the Chinese, and the Americans?"

1410. I think we've just seen an example of it.

1411. And, many miles back, on the porn set,

1412. there was more good news.

1413. There it is! I'm back in the running!

1414. Both engines running on eight cylinders and running well.

1415. Plus, I'm no longer on fire or sinking.

1416. All of us were running well, in fact.

1417. The finish line was in striking distance

1418. and even though our weird collection of boats

1419. had been captained by two terrible sailors and a hopeless navigator,

1420. they had, nevertheless, survived this epic adventure.

1421. - (THUNDER) - Oh-oh!

1422. It's really windy!

1423. Ooh-ooh!

1424. - (MOTOR CHUGGING) - (MIMICS MOTOR)

1425. No?

1426. Come on! Come on! Come on!

1427. - No, I won't have this! - Yeah!

1428. Oh, God.

1429. Here we go into the reeds.

1430. Sleeping... (TRUMPETS) ... elephant.

1431. Oh, my God.

1432. - (THUD) - Sorry.

1433. Oh, cock.

1434. Hammond! Hammond! Hammond!

1435. Ah, that didn't fit.

1436. Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost.

1437. Well, this is crap, isn't it?

1438. Oh, shit!

1439. 20 miles to go.

1440. What can possibly go wrong?

1441. As it turned out, just about everything.

1442. This time, the rain was the heaviest we'd seen.

1443. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

1444. This is grim.

1445. (BLEEP) hell, I can't see a thing.

1446. Soon, we were completely lost.

1447. Have I overtaken you? Have you seen me go by?

1448. I can't see a (BLEEP) thing and I can't steer.

1449. When the rain did eventually clear,

1450. we realised we had emerged into the one thing

1451. I'd been trying so desperately to avoid.

1452. OK, well, now, what we've done...

1453. what I'm doing here...

1454. That's the sea.

1455. 30 miles of open ocean lay between us

1456. and the finishing line at Vung Tau.

1457. But, as the water didn't look too rough...

1458. we decided to put on some life jackets and go for it.

1459. I've been thinking. Jeremy?

1460. The sea is in some ways a lawless place,

1461. but in others there is a strict code, isn't there?

1462. You stick together through thick and thin, face perils as one.

1463. Yeah. Thing is, though,

1464. to operate efficiently as a team,

1465. each team member has to be at their optimum.

1466. At this speed, I'm not at my best. I have no steering.

1467. And so...

1468. Three, two, one... Go.

1469. Funny.

1470. As it turned out,

1471. that would be the last funny moment of the day.

1472. Oh, my God!

1473. - (THUD) - Argh, fuck!

1474. I'll try standing up, see if that helps. With bent knee.

1475. - (THUD) - Oh, no! Oh, God.

1476. God above, this is just awful.

1477. - (RATTLING) - Oh!

1478. I'm gonna throw up at this rate,

1479. not because of sea sickness but because of

1480. the amount of salt water in my mouth.

1481. No!

1482. This is a lot worse than I thought it was going to be.

1483. It wasn't just the rough seas.

1484. We also had to weave our way through the shipping lanes.

1485. There's a large tanker dead ahead.

1486. Trawler off to my right.

1487. Sheez.

1488. I've managed to miss that massive container ship. That's something.

1489. $3.5 trillion worth of trade

1490. comes through these waters every year.

1491. God knows how it isn't all smashed to pieces

1492. when it gets to its destination.

1493. Jesus Christ.

1494. If one big wave goes in there, I'm gonna get very nose-heavy.

1495. And I cannot realistically get up there to put it back.

1496. Meanwhile, I'd finally managed to put my roof up...

1497. Oh, yes. There's a chance. There's a chance.

1498. which was time well spent.

1499. Holy shit!

1500. Ohh, bollocks.

1501. Stop... doing... that!

1502. The good news is, Hammond, it can't be worse than this.

1503. But it did get worse.

1504. Ohh! (BLEEP) Nora.

1505. Sheez. This is stupid.

1506. It's gonna snap.

1507. I just pissed myself standing up where I was.

1508. Anything else is not an option.

1509. Oh! Freezing and (BLEEP) wet.

1510. This is getting sketchy.

1511. I'm not sure we can do this.

1512. Certainly, one of our camera boats was in very big trouble.

1513. Bloody hell. We're taking in too much water.

1514. I don't know if it's dangerous.

1515. We'll never get there at this rate.

1516. And James had completely lost control of his antique.

1517. Oh! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no!

1518. Oh, (BLEEP) sake!

1519. No!

1520. Argh.

1521. After 15 miles, the sea started to calm a little

1522. and I decided to increase speed.

1523. Come on, you brave little soldier.

1524. Come on, bite. Bite, bite, bite.

1525. Bite.

1526. I can't stand much more of this.

1527. It's only a few miles!

1528. Come on. I'm running in fast now. I want this over.

1529. Argh!

1530. The top three worst things I've ever done.

1531. Mercifully, the finish line, Vung Tau harbour,

1532. then hoved into view.

1533. Come on. It can't be more than a mile.

1534. Well, that's brilliant.

1535. These last couple of hours have damn nearly killed me.

1536. They probably have James and Richard.

1537. I can't raise either of them on the radio.

1538. I don't know where they are.

1539. I reached the jetty very much alone.

1540. Sorry, there's no film crews with me.

1541. Um, I don't know where they are either.

1542. But Richard Hammond is arriving.

1543. He's made it.

1544. Normally we'd celebrate the end of a journey,

1545. but I'm not celebrating that. Beyond brutal.

1546. Yeah, that was the hardest thing I've ever done.

1547. Easily the hardest thing I've ever done. The most dangerous.

1548. After a film crew arrived, we disembarked.

1549. Have you really not heard from James at all?

1550. No, nothing.

1551. But then, the Rover 90 hoved into view.

1552. It could be coming with nobody on it, like the Marie Celeste.

1553. Well, I did wo... No, he is there.

1554. Look, there's a very bedraggled dog at the helm.

1555. Yeah.

1556. Right.

1557. We've been very worried about you.

1558. Have you? I was very worried about me. But thank you.

1559. - (RATTLING) - Jeez.

1560. I'm absolutely staggered it's still there.

1561. - But we have survived. - Yeah.

1562. And on that terrible disappointment...

1563. - for Top Gear... - (CHUCKLING)

1564. it's time to say goodbye. We'll be back.

1565. - See you very soon. - See you soon.