The Grand Tour 3x3

1. Look at that. That is a sturdy car, that is.

2. Isn't that a very popular car with the gay community?

3. Is it?

4. It's Hammond. That is Hammond.

5. - Is that your car? - Yes, this is my car.

6. Why is your car there?

7. Because that's where the boat dropped me off?

8. They got to here, wrapped it in polythene,

9. lobbed it over the side, me with it. That's how they do it.

10. What's it say on that? "Global Auto"?

11. Yeah, GAK.

12. That's what they said was the company.

13. I bought it from an English family

14. - who had bought a house in Tuscany. - Tony Blair.

15. - Cherie Blair. - Sting.

16. Every single lightweight socialist in Britain

17. has been in this car.

18. We're now leaving Cartagena

19. in our quest to find many interesting animals to photograph.

20. Well, shrimping and forest products obviously, er... pays well.

21. - Look at the boats out there. I know, that is amazing, isn't it?

22. You often see that. The most humble of commodities

23. and it yields just incredible wealth.

24. - Ooh!

25. - Argh! - Turn it off!

26. It is one of the most stupid pieces of engineering ever, that truck.

27. Right, Jaguars, they are very difficult to spot

28. and very, very rare.

29. This is proper jungle now.

30. - Oh, dear.

31. I think I've just lost the exhaust pipe.

32. What are we going to do?

33. People could come out here for 40 years and not see a jaguar.

34. Well, we could use my trap cameras.

35. - He parked his car there. - Yes.

36. - Turn it round. - Oh, that'll mess with his head.

37. So he comes down in the morning. Imagine his face.

38. He'll think he's gone mad.

39. One, two, three. Move it.

40. One, two...

41. Did we get any pictures?

42. - Right. Ah, look, there! - That's it!

43. There's his head, there's his head.

44. That's the ace of spades, the jaguar.

45. That's Saddam Hussein.

46. We've now gotta go and get his sons, Uday... and the other one.

47. What was his other son called?

48. Edgar.

49. With the jaguar in the bag,

50. our sights were set on the next target,

51. another rare and reclusive creature.

52. The spectacled bear.

53. We now have to drive 200 miles

54. to find the sort of terrain

55. where we're gonna be able to photograph

56. the king of spades, Edgar Hussein.

57. Paddington.

58. To help pass the time, entertainment was provided by James,

59. trying to overtake trucks in his one-litre Panda.

60. Right. No.

61. He can't see past them cos his steering wheel's on the correct side.

62. Cor, bloody hellfire.

63. So he has to lunge out of the...

64. .. and then there's this ridiculously roarty noise as he sets off.

65. Holy crap! Come on, car.

66. Oh, my God!

67. Oh-ho, I enjoyed watching that one.

68. Right, blokes, I can't keep this lorry-overtaking up all day.

69. - My ring piece is gonna be in tatters.

70. What is wrong with this bloke?

71. I don't know what he's been taking, but he's all over the shop.

72. He's had a lot of shrimp. The man's a... an idiot.

73. As the day wore on, the Trump truck proved to be its usual, reliable self.

74. Oh, dear.

75. Oh, dear.

76. That's not good.

77. That is bad.

78. Oh, no.

79. Oh, God.

80. Just had a message asking if I'd like to go back and help Mr Hammond,

81. er, mend his monster truck.

82. Let me think about that.

83. No, I wouldn't.

84. Out you come.

85. Air-conditioning radiator.

86. Useless.

87. Still, could be worse.

88. Could be him over there.

89. Yeah.

90. My guess is his brakes have failed

91. and he's hooked a wheel over there to stop it rolling back.

92. Er, is this you?

93. You?

94. Er, yeah, that, what he said.

95. Huh?

96. OK.

97. - Gracias.

98. Eventually the world's greatest linguist got his truck going...

99. and caught us up.

100. And the next morning we all woke in the pretty hill town of Villa de Leyva.

101. Why have you done this to all my trousers?

102. You said you were hot.

103. Well, I am now.

104. It's a Sunday morning in a Spanish-speaking country.

105. It's 8:15 am.

106. Chances of a trouser shop being open...?

107. Nil.

108. Jeremy.

109. - Morning. - How you doing?

110. Very good. Sorry, that's not...

111. James and Richard cut my trousers up.

112. Why do I have to be recognised here, for God's sake?

113. Once I'd sorted the trouser crisis, we continued onwards.

114. And eventually we arrived in spectacled bear country.

115. Right, now, listen.

116. Erm... Ho-ho-ho-ho. - There's a lot to do.

117. - What? - I don't like your trousers.

118. Well, no, at least he's trying. He's making an effort.

119. You should have gone the whole hog.

120. Maybe some nice... Hey, we're out—

121. We're in the outdoors, some nice chaps.

122. Suede, but ventilated at the back.

123. And that shirt. You've picked up that colour.

124. Have you been getting advice?

125. May we turn our attention to the bears now, to Paddington?

126. Your skin's flaking.

127. - You should moisturise. - It's... What?

128. - You should moisturise. - You should moisturise a little bit.

129. - Why should I moisturise? - Because your skin's flaking off.

130. Because you're dry. You look like something found in a pyramid.

131. Anyway, listen, we must turn our attention...

132. - We must turn our attention...

133. "Let's have a look at the sarcophagus.

134. Argh!"

135. - "I'm not putting that in the British Museum."

136. Rather than put up with any more of this persecution,

137. I insisted we saddle up and set off to look for Paddington.

138. I don't actually know... I've seen a picture of these bears

139. but I don't actually know how big they are. Are they two feet or ten feet?

140. I just don't know.

141. Keep it diagonal, obviously, while crossing these things.

142. - Oh, shite!

143. Oh-ho!

144. Oh-ho! Look at you with a wheel in the air!

145. Can we please try not to make this look like it's a problem

146. cos the ladies and gentlemen will think we're hopeless.

147. I tried to drive myself out.

148. Which went well.

149. - Speed and power. He's just dug himself a hole!

150. So I asked Hammond for help.

151. But, predictably, his pickup truck

152. chose that moment to go into one-wheel drive.

153. Oh...

154. Oh, dear.

155. There was only one solution.

156. - Could you give me a tow cos... - No.

157. No, I'm very close to coming out.

158. - Well, we know that. You've bought a Jeep. - Yes, no, that's...

159. - Oh, I see.

160. Every single time I open my mouth now, you've got some reference...

161. No, it's great. It's good.

162. We're all friends.

163. With the rope hitched up, we were ready to go.

164. So I'll give you a small tug.

165. - Was that a gentle tug? - There we go.

166. And then it's down to you because I haven't got the weight to pull you, OK?

167. Here we go, three, two, one.

168. - Whoa! Exciting.

169. Yes, go on!

170. - A Fiat Panda! - Yesssss! Yes!

171. Jeremy Corbyn just pulled Freddy Mercury out.

172. It's a meeting of minds.

173. I'm not sure we're very good at fist-bumping.

174. With that calamity sorted,

175. Hammond got four-wheel drive back and we resumed our mission.

176. Right.

177. Go on a bear hunt.

178. Soon, however...

179. - Oh, dear.

180. What's up, Hammond?

181. I think something's broken somewhere in the drive line.

182. Am I now having to pull Hammond... Oh, God.

183. Right, and pull Hammond out.

184. Once my pickup had been pulled out...

185. I quickly found the fault.

186. Broken the half shaft.

187. Ohhh!

188. I think this is now a two-wheel drive.

189. Still, while there had been a few mishaps,

190. our cars were able to take us comfortably to a suitable bear-spotting point.

191. I've got a cool-box in the back of the Jeep full of zesty, refreshing drinks.

192. The temperature's perfect.

193. I'm not out of breath. I didn't have to walk here.

194. However, because the trap cameras

195. had been ruined by the jaguar,

196. this time we would need to deploy our immense patience.

197. Soon, however...

198. I'm bored!

199. - I'm bored! Bored.

200. Booooooored!

201. So, to make life more interesting, we kept on driving.

202. Right, we go higher up the mountain.

203. This is the absolute worst terrain for the Jeep's suspension.

204. God, I'd like to meet the man who put these big tyres on this thing.

205. And I'd like to strangle him.

206. Still, could be worse.

207. - Hole.

208. - Oh, dear.

209. Looks like Jeremy Corbyn's struggling a bit there.

210. No, somehow he's managed to get it back on its wheels.

211. And still it goes!

212. But then...

213. Oh, God.

214. Oh, hold on.

215. Big hole there, chaps.

216. - Yeah, you see that... Oh-ho-ho.

217. That's not... What are you on about?

218. - It's massive! - That's quite a big hole.

219. - It just isn't, though, is it? - Other than that it is.

220. - Look at the size of it. Although... Look.

221. No, that's... No, stop and listen to the expert.

222. Cut it this way.

223. Gravity gets you down there and then you simply drive up the other side.

224. Oh, Professor, how do you work these things out?

225. - You drive out. - Look at your tyres.

226. - Yeah, Hammond, that's a monster truck. - Only two are driven.

227. - It's a monster truck! - It runs over cars.

228. I've seen them do it on the telly.

229. - And they're two-wheel drive. - They are, actually. Yes.

230. They are two-wheel drive and they... Monster trucks could easily do that.

231. With Hammond refusing point blank to help, James and I did manual labour,

232. and cut away the edge of the bank.

233. Keep going, chaps, you'll fill the hole in eventually.

234. What about that then, Hammond? That's softened it up a bit. Fancy that?

235. It's easy now. I'll do it in a Lamborghini.

236. That's got rid of that big stony bit.

237. That's roughly where your wheel's gonna go.

238. Yeah, just before the massive drop.

239. Ever since your last accident, you've lost your bottle.

240. No, it doesn't require bottle to do that.

241. It can't be done. It's not the same.

242. Well, you're gonna do it.

243. - No, I'm not. - You are.

244. No, I'm not.

245. Right, here we go.

246. Gravity will get you in a minute.

247. Yes, I know gravity works. I'm familiar with it.

248. Just do it and then drive up the other side.

249. Hurry up, quicker.

250. Oh, God!

251. - There you go. - Exactly as I said.

252. Now drive up the other side.

253. Hold on.

254. I told you this wouldn't work.

255. - I've had an idea. - What?

256. - You know that sort of roll bar thing he's got there. - Yeah.

257. If we get the sand ladders from the support truck

258. and lay them on that, we could drive across him.

259. - Couldn't we? - Isambard Kingdom May.

260. Hammond, we've had a brilliant idea.

261. I don't know what they're gonna do.

262. I just know it's not gonna work.

263. This weighs a tonne.

264. - Oh, mind my roof!

265. It won't reach.

266. Oh... No... Don't... Come on...

267. Ohh...

268. Eventually our magnificent bridge

269. was complete.

270. And James volunteered to cross it first.

271. Come on, Hammond, you must be pleased.

272. No, I'm not pleased!

273. First heroic thing it's done.

274. First time it's not holding us up.

275. - Is that looking good?

276. - Looking good. - No, it's looking ridiculous.

277. - It worked. - Yes!

278. - How about that? - Yes!

279. - Piece of cake. - Oh, no fist bumping.

280. - Oh, no, we don't do that, do we, yeah. - That hurt.

281. Now, though, it was my turn,

282. in a car that was more than twice the weight of the Panda.

283. Hold on, I can't even see the sand ra...

284. I can't see the rail on this side.

285. Tiny, tiny bit your left. That's it. Right, straight.

286. Tiny, tiny bit to your left, but really tiny.

287. That's good.

288. Right on the edge.

289. Now very slowly.

290. Tiny bit of left.

291. - That's right, you blithering idiot. - Right.

292. Now that is... Oh.

293. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

294. Stop there, stop there.

295. It's gonna break.

296. It's not gonna work.

297. - What? - It's not gonna work.

298. Yes, but the thing is you've stopped me

299. and there's no other way of describing it,

300. - on top of... - ... top of Hammond's car.

301. Yeah, I know. Don't jig about too much.

302. Don't worry about my truck sitting there.

303. We're not worried about your truck!

304. Since Hammond wouldn't lift a finger, even though he'd got us into this mess,

305. I had to get the camera crew to help beef up the sand rails.

306. We're supposed to be making wildlife photography look easy and comfortable.

307. This isn't working.

308. With the strengthening in place, it was time to continue.

309. Keep it on that.

310. Exactly that line.

311. Yes!

312. Yeah.

313. - Right, let's move on. - Right.

314. Well, they're across.

315. - Oh, God. - Why have you stopped?

316. You're not gonna believe this.

317. What?

318. There's a river.

319. Can we go through it?

320. Not in a million years.

321. What are you doing?

322. It's... Just round that corner there's a river.

323. - Yeah. - Blocked.

324. But you've been gone...

325. So what was the point in that?

326. Well, at least it meant your car was useful twice.

327. - It was. - Well, you ended up where you...

328. We've achieved nothing,

329. apart from ruining my truck and turning it into a bridge.

330. Yeah, but we needed to do that to get back again.

331. - Exactly. - But if you hadn't gone...

332. If you hadn't gone there, you wouldn't need a bridge to get back, would you?

333. We didn't know there was a river there until we'd gone there.

334. - And there are no bears. As this debate was getting us nowhere,

335. we pulled an ungrateful Hammond out of his hole,

336. and found another route up the mountain.

337. I'm actually looking forward to seeing a bear, I really am.

338. I like all bears, except polar bears, which I hate.

339. They're vicious and they eat schoolchildren.

340. Joyously, we soon found another suitable spot,

341. where I discovered I had a small problem.

342. I'm still not high enough up to see over the shrubs.

343. Well, nothing we can do about it now.

344. - What? - Shut up, nothing you can do about it.

345. - I wish I was a bit higher. - That's how high you are.

346. We settled down to wait.

347. But shortly...

348. And inevitably...

349. - Bored. - Me too.

350. It does get boring, this.

351. It's 20 minutes.

352. - What was... what was that? - That's bear noise.

353. - Ssh.

354. - I'm not bored now. - That is a bear.

355. - It's a bear, it's a bear! - I can't see it.

356. - It's fantastic. - It's a bear.

357. - Yes, it is, it moved. - Ssh.

358. - I can see its face. - Oh, yes.

359. - I took a picture of a bear! - Ssh.

360. Why won't it come over here?

361. Probably because you're talking.

362. I think we're a bit too conspicuous.

363. - We're scaring them off. - You are.

364. Your car and his car, they're too... bright.

365. I know.

366. Hammond and May agreed that my car was the quietest and most subtle.

367. So they suggested I should creep towards

368. the largest flesh-eating mammal in all of South America.

369. He is coming close range. Weapon too close for my big gun.

370. He is coming!

371. He is coming.

372. And then, to top it all...

373. Bears are shitting in the woods.

374. The bear is shitting in the woods.

375. I have now seen everything.

376. Edgar Hussain is done.

377. King of spades, tick.

378. We therefore got back on the road and continued onwards.

379. Finally arriving late that night in the capital city of Bogota.

380. Having had a decent night's sleep, we convened to plan our next move.

381. - Morning. - Hello.

382. What's the matter with your face?

383. - Is it not good? - No.

384. It's like being in The Singing Detective.

385. - It is.

386. - That's bloody rude. Anyway, listen...

387. Sorry, I'm briefly mesmerised.

388. - Listen. I'm back.

389. While you were out this morning

390. buying new action trousers, I see,

391. I have got a book...

392. All of Colombia's wildlife is in this book, yeah?

393. All of it.

394. I've been through it.

395. - Guess what there isn't? - A hippopotamus.

396. Well, so far we've got pigeon, dog, horse...

397. Donkey.

398. Don't bring those up, please.

399. - Um, jaguar. Jaguar.

400. - Bear. Bear. Yes.

401. Condor is next. Condor is next.

402. Is there a case... I think there is.

403. for a little light car modification?

404. I agree, there is, there is.

405. I think I might be scaring them off a bit.

406. - I could make some changes. - I'm just thinking...

407. Tell you what I could give my car...

408. - A roof. - Yeah, that's a good idea.

409. There is evidence to suggest in your flaking visage...

410. Then you wouldn't look like Michael Gambon in the '80s.

411. I am Michael Gambon in the '80s.

412. We then went shopping in Bogota's massive auto district.

413. 20 city blocks of nothing but shops selling car parts.

414. All I really need, if I'm honest, to make my car better,

415. is some kind of ladder,

416. so I get some elevation for the photography,

417. and a chair to sit on, and a roof.

418. Oh, gold dust.

419. Look at that.

420. That is perfect.

421. So, um, can I have 20 metres?

422. Vingt me...?

423. That's not a good sign, is it?

424. As we went about our shopping, I received a rather intriguing phone call.

425. This afternoon?

426. Sure. OK.

427. All right, bye.

428. Er, that was our Colombian fixers.

429. They say, um, this afternoon they want us to try something

430. which is, they say... the thing that Colombia is most famous for.

431. Yep.

432. Football.

433. Specifically a match between The Grand Tour team...

434. and our Colombian fixers.

435. Hammond, with his gammy knee, couldn't play, so made himself our manager.

436. So, we're gonna play a five-four-four?

437. I doubt it. - Five-four-three?

438. Eight, nine? - Five... Two?

439. - How many on our team? - It's eight a side.

440. Three. Right, well, we're gonna play...

441. - Drop the five, then. - Three... four.

442. Three.

443. With the crowd of onlookers

444. at fever pitch, the game began.

445. And since I was our biggest player, from any angle, I was put in goal.

446. Which went well.

447. Also, the ref was pretty harsh.

448. - What?

449. How can it be handball?

450. He hasn't got a hand!

451. - The match continued

452. with some good clean tackles from us.

453. And eventually an actual goal.

454. But my goalkeeping continued to let the side down.

455. - Oh, come on!

456. And even though I'd given my all...

457. I've just coughed my lungs up.

458. I was eventually substituted for our special forces security guy,

459. who did well, despite his pixelated face.

460. - We may as well modify our cars now. We're not playing. - Yeah.

461. The only problem is, nobody'll be able to film us.

462. Cos they're playing football. And they are not stopping.

463. Why don't we just quietly leave them to it?

464. - We'll get on with it. It's not as if anyone's gonna miss us.

465. - Go on, Nick!

466. The next morning, happily,

467. the uninjured members of our film crew were back at work.

468. - Was it really six-two? - Yeah.

469. - It was. - Yeah.

470. I think the problem was they substituted me and you too early.

471. - I think so. - Anyway, listen...

472. We've now got the film crews back,

473. so let's set them to work doing what they can do,

474. and have a look at our cars.

475. - OK, you have to find mine. - Where is it?

476. Yours is the one disguised as a bush in an industrial car park.

477. - I've camouflaged it. - Well, yes, you've painted it.

478. It's got roll-down netting that goes over the windows when I'm using it as a hide

479. and it has an inbuilt... Well, it's got a raise on it as well,

480. cos the one problem I've had is ground clearance.

481. - Yeah. - What?

482. You've spent two days laughing at Hammond and me

483. cos we've got cars that have been raised,

484. and how awful they are, and then you've done exactly the same.

485. As an alternative expression, rather than "I'm going to raise my car,"

486. - why not, "I'm going to ruin my car"? - Yes.

487. - What you've done is ruined it. - Let's see.

488. I've done it very subtly.

489. How do you think Tony Blair and Gordon Sting are going to feel

490. when they see that you've turned their Panda into a monster Panda?

491. Very happy, actually. That's communist camouflage.

492. I got it from a picture of a Russian tank.

493. This is my idea. PA system. I always do this.

494. - It's not a PA system. - Well, it is.

495. It's a bird call and animal call system.

496. I have an iPad, other tablets are available, in the car

497. in which I can select a number of animal noises

498. and they play out of those speakers. It's a lure.

499. Well, can we move on to Hammond, who's obviously gone...

500. - If you can find it. - ... completely mad.

501. I too have gone the camouflage route

502. because it's green, as you can see.

503. I've mended the half shaft up here.

504. That's the only mechanical work I've had to do

505. because other than that it's been perfect.

506. Yes, this structure here is a hide.

507. I know it is. It's a hide on a monster truck.

508. It's people that they're scared of and they won't see any people.

509. Those all drop down and in there I've got everything I need

510. because often you're sitting and waiting a long time to take pictures.

511. We've learnt that. I can cook, eat, entertain myself

512. whilst waiting to capture an award-winning photograph of an animal.

513. And this rotates through 360 degrees.

514. - I see. - And you, because it's you,

515. you put two cameras in there to film yourself.

516. Yes, that's the most important thing.

517. I love the idea that you two, I'm afraid there's no other word, morons,

518. have decided that somehow you can camouflage your car

519. so they won't be seen by animals.

520. I have already proved that mine can drive right up to a bear, he's interested.

521. Speaking of yours, what have you done?

522. Whoa, what's all that on the back?

523. That, gentlemen, is a scissor lift.

524. - What? - It's a scissor lift.

525. Simply get in that and rise up, so then I have a...

526. - Oh, so you're going to be a window cleaner.

527. The only thing this didn't really have was proper elevation. Now I have it.

528. - How high does it go? - 38 feet.

529. - Really? - Yes. - It'll just fall over.

530. A-ha, that's why I fitted it with outriggers.

531. They're not far enough apart.

532. - Or big enough. - They slide...

533. How much does it weigh, that?

534. - I've added half a tonne.

535. And there's something else I've done.

536. Oxygen is fitted for my engine.

537. - Why do you need oxygen? - Because we're going very high.

538. - Well, 38 feet. - No, 15,000 feet.

539. More, actually. Nearly 16,000 feet.

540. - Really? - Why?

541. Condors. They're in the sky.

542. Yes, but they fly above the ground.

543. Yes, I know, but in order to catch up to them, we must go high.

544. You can't catch up with them and just, just photograph them in the face.

545. I'm telling you, you want a condor, we've gotta go high.

546. Oh, my God.

547. - What? - I've seen it as well.

548. What, my roof?

549. That the only piece of fabric you could find to make a roof?

550. - What is that? - It's wild life.

551. That's for a nursery or something, isn't it?

552. - I mean... - Mate!

553. It'll keep the sun and rain off my head.

554. - The rain? - Well, it'll keep the sun off.

555. It's a really nice installation. That is a quality job as well.

556. You've really... that is crap.

557. So I've got oxygen for the altitude

558. - which we're going to. - Yeah.

559. - That'll stop my face disintegrating. - It won't.

560. - And that means I can photograph birds. - It won't.

561. As it was another 200-mile drive to reach condor country,

562. we decided to get cracking immediately.

563. - Have you two done this? - Yeah.

564. Think of it as advertising.

565. Advertising what?

566. Well, yourself, mate.

567. We... I... You need to work on your presentation.

568. You look like crap.

569. How do I turn it off?

570. The instructions are all on the screen.

571. Mate, it's a brilliant icebreaker.

572. I can't... I can't hear myself think!

573. The fact is, Jeremy, people who wouldn't give you

574. a second look are looking.

575. Yeah, sorry.

576. Where are the speakers in this bloody thing?

577. Oh, God, they're moulded!

578. No, I can put up with this no more.

579. I don't know much about engineering, as you know,

580. but I do know that if you rip enough wires out, you can mend anything.

581. - That's better.

582. - Ah, now the music's stopped,

583. I have uncovered a small problem with my modification.

584. What's that? - Quite a lot of rattling.

585. I don't wanna speak too soon, but I think my big wheels are working.

586. The car is going along, they're not rubbing on anything.

587. The ride's still reasonable.

588. As we left Bogota, and picked up speed, my mods became even more annoying.

589. Sit-rep, and it's not good.

590. I mean, yes, I can't hear the rattling from the scissor lift any more,

591. but only because the roof is flapping like a bastard.

592. And, steering's worryingly light,

593. cos all the weight's at the back.

594. Also, the rear tyres now never catch on the arches.

595. - Apart from then.

596. - And then.

597. And in the Panda, things weren't that great either.

598. I'm starting to hear some alarming noises from my car,

599. - so I thought I'd share them with you.

600. There's one of them.

601. It's almost as if the wheels have moved on the hubs

602. - and are starting to touch little bits of the arches.

603. Can you hear that?

604. To try and stop the roof flapping, I've put my monopod here, to keep it all taut.

605. - And that hasn't worked.

606. - Rattling, tyre noise.

607. - Flapping.

608. Yeah. Yeah.

609. Bad.

610. Still, could be worse.

611. Oh, cock.

612. Right, this is quite bad.

613. What's happened on all those windy bits,

614. as the car leans to one side and the other,

615. is that the bigger tyre has rubbed against the filler pipe,

616. from the cap here down to the tank,

617. and it's made a little hole in it and the fuel is gushing out,

618. which is why I was getting a bit stoned as I was driving along.

619. I thought it was just altitude, but it was actually petrol fumes.

620. So what I'm gonna do is, er, drain the tank down by about half,

621. so the level is below that bit of the pipe.

622. I will patch up that hole, put the fuel back in

623. and then I'll put the proper wheels back on.

624. While May did... what he just said,

625. Hammond and I hoovered up some animal pictures...

626. - Oh, yeah.

627. I got it.

628. ..in terrain that was becoming absolutely spectacular.

629. It's the variety of Colombia that staggers me most of all.

630. One minute you're in what looks like Japan.

631. Then it's the Yorkshire Dales.

632. Then it's Austria.

633. Then it's California.

634. It's like the greatest hits of the world all in one place.

635. I mean, Jesus, look at that now.

636. Eventually we were all reunited,

637. and, at my insistence, we began the long climb to 16,000 feet,

638. where I knew the condors would be.

639. I cannot wait to see a condor

640. because they are one of the most superb creations on Earth.

641. They just are magnificent.

642. They can stay at 18,000 feet all day, maybe flap their arms once.

643. Once.

644. Right, gentlemen, we're passing 10,000 feet now.

645. Er, how's your temperature gauges?

646. Mine's getting hot, really hot.

647. Er, weirdly, my car isn't overheating,

648. but it is producing some steam

649. because I think maybe the cap isn't perfectly sealed

650. and the ambient pressure is going down.

651. Yeah.

652. Why does he say ambient pressure?

653. Why not just pressure?

654. Soon we entered the clouds,

655. and pulled over to photograph

656. something else we thought Amazon might like.

657. The humming bird.

658. Sadly, though, to attract these wonderful little things,

659. we had to take drastic measures.

660. You know when wildlife photographers tell you

661. - how they got the shots? - Yeah.

662. I bet they never ever say, "And then we wore scarlet lipstick."

663. No. - I've never seen it mentioned.

664. They also wouldn't say that if you want the birds to come up really close,

665. you need to put a plastic flower in your mouth.

666. Oh, that one's lovely. Look at that, look at that.

667. They are absolutely beautiful, aren't they?

668. Shit!

669. I've gotta get further away.

670. You got it?

671. Epic.

672. I've gotta say, of all the things we've ever done,

673. that's kind of up there, really.

674. - Yeah, it's beautiful. - I think that might be my favourite.

675. And now we've done one of the world's smallest birds,

676. it's time to carry on going up, and one of the biggest.

677. - What? - We've got to get the condor, haven't we?

678. - They weren't condors?

679. We continued on Jeremy's journey up into the heavens.

680. Right, we're at something like 11 and a half thousand feet. We're still climbing.

681. Car is definitely struggling now.

682. The engine burns a mixture of oxygen and petrol, mainly oxygen.

683. The oxygen is going down, so you can't burn as much petrol,

684. so the engine develops less power.

685. I'll have to go for second.

686. Climb, Pepe!

687. Keeping an eye on temperature.

688. It is working extra hard.

689. It might just pass a critical level

690. at which this car can't suck in enough oxygen

691. to mix with fuel to burn.

692. And then I'll run out of steam.

693. The good thing is that while my colleagues were painting their cars,

694. I was fitting mine with oxygen tanks.

695. So when I start to really struggle,

696. I shall simply feed pure O2 to the engine, and me.

697. Oh, my God.

698. Come on.

699. Hammond, how are things in your monster truck?

700. Not brilliant. It's gone very wheezy and it's getting very hot.

701. We've just passed 14,000 feet now.

702. Really running out of power.

703. Switching to oxygen for the engine.

704. - There we are, two clicks.

705. Right, watch this.

706. Kick-down is restored.

707. That's profound, the difference.

708. Leading my breathless colleagues, we continued to climb...

709. and soon found ourselves on a volcano.

710. Last erupted in the 1980s

711. and killed 25,000 people.

712. I've never seen anywhere with fewer animals in it.

713. Condors live here, I'm telling you.

714. They come and get volcano mice.

715. You're destroying our cars, you've got oxygen for you and your car only,

716. and we can see nothing!

717. Hammond did seem to have a point, as no condors appeared.

718. Nothing for it, we've gotta go higher

719. to find Colin Condor.

720. Come on, hurry up, follow me.

721. This is it, this is all I've got.

722. Foot is flat to the floor, the temperature is flying up.

723. I've just been told we're at 15,500 feet.

724. Oh, God, not another steep one.

725. Yes!

726. My plucky little Panda, however, was coping rather well.

727. Oh, ho-ho-ho.

728. Until it broke down.

729. Bollocks!

730. Um, I've got a completely dead battery.

731. Right, James, I'm gonna try and push-start you with this.

732. I'll be gentle.

733. OK, please push me with the bumper, not the wheels.

734. I'm sure you realise that.

735. Whoa!

736. Hammond, you've put my window through.

737. Oh, there is a God!

738. I'm gonna back up to amuse myself looking at this.

739. Reverse!

740. Yeah, but you've become disconnected

741. on your back bumper on one side.

742. Oh, God, now mine's died and it's boiling.

743. Whoa, that's proper boiling.

744. My only option was to try and keep some air flowing through the radiator.

745. So I set off once more.

746. Errr...

747. It's swimming through ash, that's the problem.

748. It's now getting hotter than ever and I don't like this edge.

749. That shat me up a bit.

750. Clarkson, how much further is it to this "No picture opportunity"?

751. Not much further now. Only a couple of... Oh, a bit.

752. He doesn't know.

753. But then I saw exactly the sort of ridge

754. condors use to keep aloft.

755. To reach it, though, we'd have to turn off the track.

756. Now let's show those two what the Jeep can do.

757. There you go, there you go.

758. No, I can't get up there.

759. That simply doesn't work.

760. It's like talcum powder.

761. No. Stuck again.

762. Come on. Come on, Jeep.

763. Yes, you little beauty.

764. Uhh.

765. Um, I may have overreached myself a little bit.

766. Oh, look at all the condors.

767. I can see they're everywhere.

768. It doesn't work. Let's face it.

769. I've had a brilliant idea.

770. Let's just get off this dusty bit and set our hides up there.

771. Yes.

772. So, we drove off the dust...

773. found a new likely-looking spot,

774. and when the clouds had lifted,

775. we set about getting ready to do photography.

776. The idea of the netting is it stops the shine on the windows.

777. Very visible to animals.

778. Oh.

779. There was some on this side as well.

780. - Right, it's ready. - You're going up in it?

781. Well, why would you not?

782. Well, I can see one reason.

783. You see the maximum weight?

784. 159kg.

785. - What's...? - Well, you're not going anywhere, are you?

786. - Well, the camera is quite heavy. - No... OK, it's the camera.

787. Bye!

788. This is a lot higher than it looked in the brochure.

789. I wouldn't like that.

790. That's really horrible.

791. - Keep going till the end bit drops out.

792. - Why don't you two... - Yes?

793. .. get in your cars.

794. - Yes? - OK.

795. And can I just reinforce one thing?

796. What? - Silence is key.

797. Agreed.

798. That ridge up there looks promising.

799. Right.

800. Where is it?

801. No, no, no, back a bit, back.

802. I can't go back. I'll have to go all the way round.

803. I can hear it from up here.

804. Right, that one there, stop.

805. Got it.

806. Think I'll make a coffee.

807. Sorry.

808. Then it was May's turn to disturb the peace.

809. What is that?

810. It's a bird call.

811. It's a duck!

812. Moments later, though, there was an even worse noise.

813. Oh, God.

814. Jesus!

815. If only there was something tall and metal

816. that would attract the lightning.

817. Not wishing to be fried, I quickly descended.

818. And then we all tried to outrun the storm...

819. which didn't work.

820. Jesus Christ!

821. We're 250 miles from the equator,

822. we're on a volcano in a severe hailstorm.

823. How much hail is there in the sky?

824. There's hail coming in now.

825. It's bouncing in through the back.

826. Still, we got some great condor photographs.

827. Oh... look at this now.

828. Life in the Jeep was hideous.

829. Oh, God.

830. Ah, ah...

831. Ice right down the back of my neck.

832. Oh...

833. I've just put all the ice down the back of my seat.

834. Oh, bollocks!

835. Richard was very sympathetic.

836. Oh, dear.

837. Oh, that is a lot of snow.

838. Oh, joy. Joyous moment.

839. Mercifully, though, the storm passed,

840. so we drove down the rough and icy mountain track, long into the night.

841. And the next morning woke for a rethink

842. in a makeshift camp on the edge of a town.

843. What are you doing?

844. I told you condors live down here.

845. Living? It was living up there and it's had engine failure,

846. and it's crashed here.

847. Doesn't matter how it got here. Fact is, it is

848. and I've got the pictures of it. That means we're done.

849. - You can't put that...

850. on an Amazon screen saver.

851. Why not?

852. - Well...

853. It's lost quite a lot of its majesty.

854. But it's a condor, and that means we're finished, that's it. We're done.

855. James, I've got a condor shot.

856. Have you? Have you done it?

857. That is the final one. It's a condor, in camera,

858. finished, out of here.

859. Hammond was wrong, though.

860. We still had one more animal to find.

861. The one that didn't make any sense.

862. The hippopotamus.

863. Right, listen, this is obviously some kind of town.

864. I am a journalist, and a bloody good one.

865. So why don't I pop into town

866. and see if I can find out anything about this hippopotamus story?

867. My hide did not do well on that drive last night.

868. No, I can see that, and neither did my camera.

869. No, it's, um, fogged up, I think, is the technical term.

870. My car actually fell over in the night.

871. I know nothing about it.

872. Once we'd parked, I set about doing journalism.

873. This is like being back on the Rotherham Advertiser.

874. Except this is nothing like Rotherham.

875. - Buenos dias. Buenos dias.

876. Hippopotamus.

877. Hippopotami?

878. Gracias.

879. Nobody knows, nobody knows.

880. Having drawn a journalistic blank...

881. Excuse me.

882. ..I decided to do art instead.

883. Hippopotamus.

884. - What? - Hippopotamus.

885. Yes. Where?

886. What's that? Got a Spanish-speaking cameraman, where is he?

887. What's that mean?

888. They are here.

889. - They are here?

890. - Where are they?

891. Having got the information, I went back to my colleagues.

892. Any joy?

893. More than.

894. I have heard the most astonishing story.

895. Apparently there was this guy in Colombia

896. who had a business exporting forest products all around the world, OK?

897. Really, really successful. So successful,

898. he bought himself some pet hippopotamuses.

899. - Who was he? - Pablo someone or other.

900. Anyway, the police shot him.

901. - Why? - I don't know.

902. They shot him and after he was dead, his hippopotamuses escaped.

903. Yeah? And they've been living in the wild and breeding.

904. So there are hippopotamuses here and they are wild

905. and I know where they are

906. and they're only 120km away.

907. - Well, we're in. - Let's do it.

908. - Finish your coffees. That's excellent.

909. That is staggering news.

910. The only thing is, for this 120km,

911. would either of you mind if I modified my car?

912. By unmodifying it.

913. Having all unmodified our cars,

914. I decided that before moving out,

915. there was a small job to do.

916. Right, I've borrowed something from Hammond to annoy May.

917. Seeing that little New Labour Fiat Panda with its Brexit sticker on.

918. That is like putting an I-heart-Mexico sticker on the back of Donald Trump's Beast.

919. I mean, his car, not...

920. We were now on the last 75 miles of our 1300-mile trek

921. through what had turned out to be one of the world's most incredible countries.

922. If you were to combine Canada and Russia and Australia,

923. you still wouldn't have the variety,

924. in terms of terrain and temperature and wildlife,

925. that we've seen on this...

926. absolutely epic journey.

927. But of course, we wouldn't have been able to see any of that

928. without our cars.

929. Let me just remind you that this is a small, 49 horsepower,

930. one-litre utility hatchback.

931. It is a humble car.

932. And yet that humility is actually its strength.

933. Because it's done everything the other two cars have done.

934. It's climbed the same mountains, it's driven along the same rutted tracks,

935. it's forded the same small rivers.

936. It's absolutely brilliant. I love it.

937. On this trip, the camera and production teams

938. have lost six almost new Toyota Land Cruisers.

939. Hammond has lost a half shaft.

940. May's lost most of his electrics and a starter motor.

941. But this... nothing.

942. Nothing has gone wrong.

943. It's taken everything that Colombia could throw at it.

944. Temperature extremes, altitude extremes,

945. roads like you wouldn't believe

946. and it's just gone, "Yeah? What?"

947. Yes, it's desperately uncomfortable

948. and if you hit a pothole hard enough,

949. it would put your spine through the top of your skull.

950. But, and this is more important,

951. I liked it when we got here and I like it even more now.

952. It has a sturdy heart.

953. I do realise that James Bond doesn't drive a monster truck.

954. Nobody in a suit, in fact, has ever driven a monster truck.

955. They're not... cool.

956. You could argue, as the other two have, that they're moronic and stupid.

957. Or you could argue that they're fun...

958. Cos that's what they are. They're built to make you smile.

959. And what amazes me is that even with the modifications done to it,

960. all of which have made it worse...

961. It's too tall, too wide, too slow. It overheats.

962. still it's done everything the other two cars have done,

963. which makes it the best,

964. easily, in my opinion.

965. Oh, my car's gone again.

966. My car has just died again.

967. I'm pulling over.

968. Had you just done a piece to camera saying what a great truck it was?

969. I may have done.

970. Yeah.

971. Eventually the Trump truck was back in business.

972. And soon we were close to our final destination.

973. Right, this apparently is the area where the businessman lived.

974. And if you go down his escape road here...

975. - His what? - Escape road.

976. He built it in case the police came.

977. And so he could get away.

978. - It wasn't very good, then. - No, it wasn't.

979. Anyway, if you go down it, there's a pool where the hippos are now living.

980. Target acquired. Let's do it.

981. Let's do that. - Hippos!

982. So, a quick dash down the escape route...

983. to the water, grab a shot of a hippo.

984. Yes, viewers, about a kilometre to go

985. and I haven't been run over by a monster truck.

986. I'm absolutely delighted.

987. Hammond, I can only see you behind me.

988. Can you see Clarkson behind you?

989. No. Just looking for him.

990. At that moment, though, we were distracted by what lay in front of us.

991. That is a pond!

992. That's a pond.

993. Yes.

994. - We're in with a shout here. - What?

995. Well, that looks like a hippo sort of pond, doesn't it?

996. Who put that.. Did you put that on my car?

997. - What? - That sticker?

998. No, I thought you did when you did your mods.

999. - Don't be ridiculous. - Well, I was surprised.

1000. It's a strong statement for you but...

1001. You did that at that fuel stop, didn't you?

1002. - No, it's been there since your mods went on, mate. - No, it hasn't.

1003. You shout it loud and proud. I wouldn't let your friends see it.

1004. Anyway, important business to be done.

1005. Rather than wait for Jeremy,

1006. we decided to be ready

1007. in case our final target appeared.

1008. Hammond...

1009. He-he-he.

1010. Martha Hussein, you are in my sights.

1011. Look at his big fat face.

1012. Yes!

1013. - Well, that's it. - That's tremendous.

1014. Hippopotamus!

1015. Photos of a hippo.

1016. - Congratulations. - Well done, us.

1017. I say we've done it. We've done it. Where's...

1018. I know, I've been worrying about that.

1019. Well, if it gets here,

1020. you realise that'll be the first time

1021. any car on any of these trips

1022. has ever got to the end without a single fault.

1023. Nothing's gone wrong with it.

1024. That's about the only time that's ever happened.

1025. - The car, get to the end, it hasn't broken at all. - You're right.

1026. That's a record.

1027. You don't think he fell off that little scary bridgy bit?

1028. I don't know.

1029. He overcooked it because it's near the end. And tried to do some...

1030. - Hang on a minute, is that...? - It is.

1031. Oh, brief moment of elation followed by plummeting depression.

1032. - Where have you been? - Welcome.

1033. I've been mending my camera.

1034. - You don't need it. - What?

1035. We've done it, mate. We've got shots of a hippo. It is done.

1036. - We've finished. We've done it. - Behold the hippo.

1037. We got shots of a hippo just then.

1038. Came out a couple of minutes ago.

1039. - So that's the end? - That is the end. - Job done.

1040. And we've got through the whole programme without once mentioning cocaine.

1041. Oh.

1042. James, we said before we came out here,

1043. we weren't going to use the c-word.

1044. We were going to be the first people ever

1045. to go to Colombia and not talk that.

1046. Sorry.

1047. It just slipped out.

1048. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.

1049. We hope you enjoy looking at the photographs we've taken.

1050. - They won't. - Well, some of them are quite good.

1051. - Well, one or two of them are good. - No.

1052. Well, whatever. We'll see you very soon.

1053. Goodbye.