The Grand Tour 2x8

1. - Yes. - Thank you.

2. Greetings. Thank you so much.

3. - Hello, everybody. - Thank you.

4. Thank you.

5. Whoa! Hello. Thank you.

6. Thank you so much.

7. Thank you, thank you, thank you. - Thank you.

8. Thank you. Welcome.

9. And in this show, apart from James's weird jacket and T-shirt combination...

10. - Nothing to be proud of, mate. - No, it isn't.

11. we have many other things besides.

12. James May changes gear.

13. Richard Hammond changes gear.

14. And I...

15. .. change gear.

16. Thank you.

17. It's all very exciting.

18. But we start in the 1950s, when James May was an old man.

19. Now, back then, Jaguar won Le Mans three times with the D-Type.

20. And after they retired that from racing,

21. they decided to build 25 road-going versions of it,

22. which they called the XKSS.

23. We've got a photograph of one here.

24. Now, this was aimed at wealthy young gentlemen

25. who wanted to spend the week dashing around town

26. and then the weekend doing motor racing.

27. Steve McQueen had one, and I think that says it all.

28. Unfortunately, in 1957 there was a huge fire at the factory,

29. and nine of those 25 cars were never made& until now.

30. Let me make one thing plain right from the start -

31. this is not a replica XKSS built from plastic,

32. this is an XKSS.

33. Built by Jaguar themselves over 10,000 painstaking hours, it's the real deal.

34. In fact, it's as real as the real ones from way back when.

35. The chassis is made from a special steel called Reynolds 531.

36. It's what they originally used to build the World War II Spitfire.

37. And it's light - it only weighs 39kg.

38. And then there's the body.

39. The tooling and the technical drawings were all destroyed in the fire,

40. so they had to scan an original from 1957

41. and then work backwards from that to make it,

42. in incredible detail, right down to the rivets.

43. Every one, the number and the position is as it was.

44. And there's over 2,000 of them.

45. But it was the engine that was the trickiest bit.

46. The plans for that weren't destroyed in the fire -

47. in fact, I've got a copy of them here - but there was a page missing.

48. So they had to get an original engine

49. and saw it in half to find out how it worked.

50. No-one has ever made a car like this before.

51. It's a world first.

52. So it's small wonder it's priced at just over one million pounds.

53. Or, for half a million pounds more,

54. you can have one of these!

55. It's an Aston Martin DB4 GT Lightweight.

56. And back in the late '50s, it was the fastest car in the world.

57. Flat out, it would do 151mph.

58. But this is not from the late '50s.

59. Despite what you might think when you look at its period dashboard

60. and its period six-cylinder twin-spark engine,

61. it was actually built a few weeks ago.

62. So, like Hammond's Jag,

63. it's an old car that's brand-spanking-new.

64. - So did these two ever race against each other in period? - No, they did! They did!

65. May, 1960, I was a month old—

66. - I was ten years off being born, mate. - Yeah, whatever.

67. - Picture of it here, look. - Oh, look! There they are!

68. - It's actually a D-Type. - The race version.

69. Yeah, exactly. DB4 GT Lightweight.

70. I mean, that was proper racing in those days.

71. - No stewards enquiries every time there was a bump. - No.

72. They would just finish the race, have a drink, and then some sex.

73. We should give it a bash.

74. What, sex?

75. - No. - No.

76. Happily, we were in the French town of Pau,

77. and it was here in 1901 the first ever Grand Prix was staged.

78. They were closing roads for races here

79. long before they thought of doing the same thing in Monaco or Detroit.

80. And today they were closed once more...

81. .. for us.

82. Oh, look at this!

83. Closed roads through the centre of Pau. Oh!

84. Oh, my God! This is like being in history.

85. This may have the same Italian styling as the original,

86. but unlike Hammond's Jag, it is not a faithful replica.

87. It has, for example, a bigger engine than the original,

88. which means 40 more brake horsepower.

89. This thing... This thing is quick!

90. Whoa! Really quick!

91. Some things are the same, though.

92. Windows don't wind down. There's no fan or air conditioning of any kind,

93. and it's got a racing gearbox.

94. That means no synchros.

95. Which means that when you want to slow down, you have to heel and toe.

96. Like that. Yes!

97. That was a skill I never thought I'd need to use again,

98. a bit like changing a typewriter ribbon.

99. Whoa! That was&

100. That was me not matching the revs up,

101. and that was it not forgiving me.

102. The really good news, though, is the...

103. ..is the brakes.

104. They're made using modern materials, unlike in Hammond's Jag.

105. Yep, in here it's just me and my big, hairy balls.

106. And they need to be big.

107. I can only brake when I'm accelerating. Seriously.

108. The power for the brakes comes off the gearbox,

109. so with the clutch in there isn't any.

110. Who thought that was a good idea?

111. Right, time to unleash the 3.4L straight-six.

112. That's 262 brake horsepower bouncing off the walls.

113. In the '50s, Ferraris were hitting 160 on the Mulsanne Straight.

114. Jaguar D-Types were hitting 172.

115. And remember, this is, essentially, a D-Type.

116. Whoa!

117. Just feel the lack of grip.

118. Of course, back in the '50s cars didn't grip,

119. because they had cross-ply tyres.

120. Back then it was all about how a car handled,

121. and this thing handles absolutely beautifully.

122. Come on, Hammond, get out of my way!

123. This really is a special moment.

124. Just to see these two cars racing around here is incredible.

125. To be in one of them is unreal!

126. This is one of the best mornings I've ever had

127. behind the wheel of a car, ever.

128. And it's just brilliant fun!

129. Eventually, though, the people of Pau wanted their town back,

130. so Hammond and I called time on the fun and games

131. and sat down for a natter about our amazing cars.

132. Now, we should explain why Aston Martin and Jaguar

133. have suddenly decided to start making cars from their back catalogue.

134. - And really, well, it's second-hand values, isn't it? - Well, basically, yeah.

135. The last genuine original XKSS to sell went for over £12 million.

136. - Was it really 12 million? - Twelve million.

137. So anyone who buys that for a million is getting the bargain of the century.

138. Yep.

139. And Jaguar's making more profit on that than it would from selling...

140. - A hundred XEs. - Exactly.

141. I wouldn't be at all surprised if other carmakers don't start doing this:

142. Ferrari, Maserati, Lamborghini.

143. If Lancia remade the Fulvia now&

144. I know, I'd love one.

145. I'd rather have that than one of those.

146. Is that the new Honda Civic Type R?

147. - The new-new one, and it is hideous. - It is, honestly&

148. It's worse than the last one. It's awful!

149. I mean, the original '90s Civic Type R was brilliant, but that is disgusting.

150. It's revolting is what it is.

151. Mind you, it's not as revolting...

152. - What? - ... as what's just got out of it.

153. Oh, God.

154. Why are you here?

155. I'm here because I heard that you two were talking complete rubbish.

156. You don't buy an old black-and-white television set,

157. you don't buy a Bakelite telephone.

158. - Why would you buy an old car? - Because they're stylish.

159. No, new stuff is better than old stuff. I've explained this to you before.

160. The world now is better than it was just one minute ago.

161. No, it isn't, because a minute ago you weren't here.

162. Yeah, that's true. And neither was that thing, and I do hate it.

163. It just... That's one of the most revolting cars I've ever seen.

164. You see, that's amazing - you're both talking rubbish again.

165. To prove it, I suggested we take our cars for a simple evening drive.

166. Got to get my leg in.

167. Right, here I go.

168. Oh, that's backwards. No, I don't want backwards.

169. That's neutral, so&

170. There, first.

171. No, that's still... Oh.

172. What are they doing?

173. - Struggling a bit here. - No, it's&

174. Pulling away is an event.

175. Ooh!

176. - Ooh! - That was a gear, I think.

177. Finally, the golden-age-of-motoring duo were on the move,

178. but not at what you would call "a hell of a lick".

179. It's like driving around behind the National Trust.

180. I wouldn't be surprised to find there's a souvenir shop in Hammond's car.

181. You have to go through it as you get out.

182. Why are we going so slowly?

183. I want to savour the car and the weather and the journey.

184. I don't want to rush this one. I want to... go slowly.

185. - Exactly. We want to make it last. - Exactly.

186. I should admit the real reason we're driving slowly

187. is because this part of the French motorway network is... very heavily policed.

188. Hammond and I know this to our cost.

189. A couple of years ago we were driving along here and I was in an Aston Martin then.

190. Got busted by the constabulary,

191. who helped themselves to all of our money

192. and took our driving licences away on the spot.

193. We were left stranded at the side of the road.

194. I could have been raped... or murdered.

195. That gives me an idea.

196. James May...

197. I'd love to see how fast your car could go along here.

198. Yeah, let's see what that thing can do. Come on.

199. I want you to unleash - how many horsepower is it, 320?

200. Unleash the lot, James!

201. - Right, I'll come past like a bloodied samurai. Watch this.

202. Oh, yes! He's buying it!

203. Having dropped back, I then showed them what this car can do.

204. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen of the police force.

205. Oh, wow!

206. Goodbye, Heritage Britain.

207. I reckon it's got more to give.

208. Go on, James! Go on! Keep your foot in it, man!

209. At the speed he's now travelling,

210. by nightfall he'll be in a cell with Pierre Le Burglar.

211. Annoyingly, though, when we arrived at the overnight hotel...

212. Oh, for God's sake!

213. ..it turned out he'd got away with his recklessness.

214. - No. - You're not coming in?

215. My car's got no roof and no locks.

216. I can't... I can't leave it unattended.

217. You have got a point, because the police are more bothered around here

218. with speeding than they are with crime.

219. Exactly.

220. - You've got no door locks? - No.

221. God, you're completely screwed.

222. I tell you what&

223. I did get to grips with the gear changing in the end.

224. I did need a shower after that day when I got to my hotel room, I'll tell you.

225. - Did you really? - Yes, I did.

226. Because I spent all day sharing a small metal box with a 4.2L radiator

227. in the South of France, in the summer.

228. Honestly, my butt crack was—

229. We don't need to talk about your butt crack now, please.

230. What? I'm just saying it was like the Colorado River down there.

231. Yeah, OK. We'll come back to that later. Not that.

232. We are actually coming back to that later. Sweating like a pig.

233. But there are other things in there, too.

234. But right now it is time to ring the doorbell of debate on the house of chat,

235. located on Conversation Street.

236. Erm...

237. Where shall we begin?

238. What conversation shall we have? Oh, I know!

239. Do you remember a while back we were asked to vote on the name

240. of that new, very serious Antarctic research vessel,

241. and we all decided we wanted to call it Boaty McBoatface?

242. - Yes. - Remember that?

243. The authorities were very angry with us for that, and they said...

244. I thought actually that we'd never be consulted again

245. because the public can't be trusted to be sensible.

246. Well, news from my hometown, Doncaster, OK? Anyone from Doncaster?

247. - Are you actually from Doncaster? You'll like this.

248. - It's actually news from Doncaster, OK?

249. The council has decided to risk it, OK?

250. And they asked the people of Doncaster to vote on a name

251. for two new sort of snowplough road-gritter things.

252. - Oh, yeah? - OK?

253. Would you like to hear suggestions people have come up with?

254. - Yes, please, Jeremy, we would. - Here we go.

255. Grit Van Dyke.

256. - True Grit, Rule Gritannia. - I like that.

257. - Salt Disney. - I see what they've done.

258. These are the names they've chosen. One of them is going to be called

259. Gritsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Anti-Slip Machiney.

260. The other one, though, is going to be called David Plowie.

261. That doesn't work.

262. I think they were hoping we'd think it was David Plowie,

263. but it isn't, it's David Plowie - it doesn't work.

264. - As in snowplough. No. - Well, that would work in Birmingham, wouldn't it?

265. "I'll get the snowplough out.

266. All right, we'll call it David Plowie, then."

267. The marvellous thing is the council, OK, they said,

268. "This vote cheered the whole of Britain up."

269. Well, it hasn't cheered me up.

270. And the man from the council said, "It's got people interested in gritting."

271. Well, it just hasn't, has it?

272. We would be interested in gritting if we'd thought of a name.

273. Yeah, well, we'd just call it Gary Gritter, wouldn't we? Let's be honest.

274. Or maybe Ice-ish. That could work.

275. - Yeah.

276. do we think those are better names...? Oh, hang on.

277. - Adolf Gritler. - Perfect!

278. Those are better names.

279. That's a good one. - They like that. Yeah, that works. That's good.

280. Which shall we have? Shall we go with Itsy Bitsy and the other one or our names?

281. - Who wants our names? Hands up. Hands up.

282. - That was a vote, Doncaster. - Yeah.

283. - It's just what it's gonna have to be. - Gary and Adolf the gritters.

284. Right, the organisers of the Formula E motor racing series -

285. which is like Formula 1, but for electric cars -

286. they recently staged a race between one of their cars and a cheetah.

287. Now, we've got a shot from the video they took of it here.

288. Now, let me ask you two a question, right?

289. The cheetah's top speed is 70mph.

290. The car's top speed is 140mph. So which one do you think won?

291. - Was it the car? - Yes, it was.

292. Wow! So the mechanical device with a higher top speed beat the bewildered animal

293. that didn't know what was going on?

294. Literally the most pointless race in history.

295. Yeah, it was basically an exercise in not running over a cheetah.

296. - Do you know, I was following a pigeon the other day. - You what?

297. Is this a new job? Have you opened an agency?

298. - pigeon detective. - It's gonna be brilliant.

299. Did its partner think it was cheating? "Follow him!"

300. No, I was just following—

301. Every time it stopped, did you have to read a newspaper,

302. and then look for its reflection in a shop window?

303. - I was merely following— - Anyway, you should have just gone to Trafalgar Square.

304. That's where they go.

305. I was merely driving up my drive, and a pigeon was flying along in front of me,

306. and I clocked it, and it was doing 35mph.

307. - Was it? - Yeah.

308. That's another animal that would lose a race against a Formula E car, then,

309. because that does 140.

310. It had nothing to do with running a private detective agency.

311. But you are running a private detective agency?

312. I was simply following a pigeon! It wasn't that interesting!

313. Anyway, the essence of it is—

314. Did you follow it into a tree? Because that would have been really risky.

315. No, the essence of it is if your animal does less than 140mph,

316. it will lose the race against the Formula E car.

317. If it does more than... Well, no animal does more than 140.

318. It does. A peregrine falcon does. It does 220.

319. What if you have to follow one of those?

320. - "I can't take the case, I'm afraid. I'll need a new car."

321. Lamborghini has come up with a new four-by-four. We've got a picture of it here.

322. - Amazing-looking thing. Fabulous, actually. It does look good.

323. Make no mistake. Twin-turbo V8, which will be an Audi or a Porsche engine.

324. Er... Six hundred and forty-one horsepower.

325. The only problem is they've called it the Urus.

326. - U-R-U-S, yeah? - Yeah.

327. Well, that... That sounds to me like another word for bumhole.

328. - I know what you mean. It is a bit medical-sounding.

329. It is. "How is your Urus?" "It's a bit itchy, actually."

330. "Mine's inflamed. I can't pee." It's one of those things, isn't it?

331. - It's something down there. - Exactly, down there.

332. When you go to the doctor's, "I'm gonna check your Urus," and then he puts a glove on.

333. "Oh, he's snapping a glove on. I don't want that."

334. Anyway, so if you want one of those, there it is.

335. Ooh! Can I just talk about the Ford F150 pickup truck, OK?

336. Now, how many do you think they sell in America?

337. - I know it's a lot. - A lot. It's 2,500 a day.

338. - Get sold? - A day.

339. - That's new - new F150s. - That's huge numbers.

340. And Ford has decided, amazingly, they would like to sell more,

341. so they're about to introduce a hybrid version.

342. Really? - Yes, a hybrid F150 pickup truck.

343. I can't imagine that F150 owners are very interested in a hy—

344. - I don't think they know what it is. - They wouldn't.

345. You're dead right. They've actually done some research over there in America land,

346. and it turns out that F150 customers, when asked,

347. list fuel consumption as the 28th most important thing in their buying consideration.

348. There are 27 things they would think about first on the car?

349. - Yeah, 27 more important things. - But what things?

350. I can't think of 27 things on a car.

351. Well, hold on. Looks...

352. - Cupholders. - Cupholders, definitely.

353. - Yes, that works. - Power.

354. - Power. - Price.

355. - The size of the load bay thing at the back. - Yeah.

356. - What else is more important? - Gun rack.

357. - What? - Gun rack.

358. - Gun rack! - "Somewhere for my gun!"

359. Six. Definitely gun rack.

360. If they're saying that fuel consumption doesn't matter -

361. which is what those owners are saying -

362. why, then, are Ford making a hybrid at all?

363. - Why are they bothering? - Ah, well, now—

364. No, they've got to. It's because of the environmental rules that Obama brought in.

365. All the companies have to do a certain...

366. But Ford are saying the batteries that are part of the hybrid system, OK,

367. they're not some Communist Bloc to combat fake news, global warming.

368. OK, it's got batteries in it, yes,

369. but they are for charging up your mitre saw,

370. cooling beer and running the coffeemaker on a camping trip.

371. So the F150 is a pickup

372. for carrying a big battery to cool your beer.

373. And that... I think that is enough conversation for one week, don't you?

374. - More than, yes. - So let's move it on. Erm...

375. Right, the new Ford GT. I used one recently in the race we had

376. from New York to the Niagara Falls.

377. And I'm not sure that on a freeway journey like that I got the best out of it.

378. Yeah, you chose the wrong car.

379. - Well, not really. - No, he's right, you did.

380. Well, the GT was designed as a racing car.

381. In fact, it won the first time out at Le Mans,

382. and therefore, as we know, using one on the street is stupid.

383. - So you're saying I should have tested it on a track? - Yes.

384. Good, because I have done.

385. There are those who say that, on a track,

386. the pretty-boy GT is better than anything made in Europe.

387. That it's more exciting than all of its rivals

388. from Lamborghini and McLaren... and Ferrari.

389. Well, before I can find out, I have to stop.

390. Right, now we're stationary, I can put it in track mode...

391. .. which will lower the car gently.

392. Not that gently.

393. It will engage the anti-lag system so the power is always available,

394. raise the rear wing, and stiffen the suspension by 100%.

395. Good. So, now let's see what's what.

396. The first thing I can tell you is this is not as delicate as a Ferrari.

397. Ferrari is balletic.

398. This is more like pogo-dancing to The Ramones.

399. This is hard and brutal and unrefined.

400. When you're in a Ferrari, it's like you're wrapped in silk.

401. In this, it feels like you've fallen into a saw at a lumberyard.

402. Don't think, however, that it's just a barroom brawler - all doors and no trousers.

403. It is way more than that.

404. The steering's brilliant, the brakes are brilliant.

405. You get the very distinct impression

406. that nothing in this has really been compromised

407. to make it work elegantly on the road.

408. This is a car for people who wear Nomex, not spandex.

409. It's like the chassis's made from pure telepathy.

410. You can absolutely wring its neck...

411. .. and it just keeps coming back for more.

412. Why can't more cars feel like this?

413. Then there's the twin-turbocharged V6 engine.

414. Yes, the soundtrack is terrible.

415. It just makes a noise.

416. A lot of noise... all of the time.

417. And it only produces 647 horsepower,

418. which in this day and age is a lot, but it's not a colossal lot.

419. You can't help thinking a thumping great V8

420. would have solved both of these problems.

421. But they didn't want a thumping great V8

422. because they wanted the GT to be liked.

423. That's why it has a carbon-fibre tub and an aluminium subframe.

424. It's designed to be kept on the ground only by the weight coming from its aerodynamics.

425. If you take that weight out of the equation

426. by putting the car in V-Max mode,

427. which locks the rear wing down,

428. well, who cares it's only got a V6?

429. Because the performance, it is blistering.

430. Nought to 60 takes 2.8 seconds.

431. Jesus Christ!

432. And the top speed is 216.

433. Of course, the GT is not perfect.

434. The steering wheel is ugly and difficult to use,

435. the fuel tank is too small,

436. and the body is too big.

437. And yet...

438. Ferraris and Lamborghinis and McLarens are very good cars, make no mistake about that.

439. But mostly they're bought by posers.

440. Now, this isn't for posing.

441. It's too rough and too plasticky and too noisy for that.

442. You buy one of these so you can go to a track on a miserable Monday morning

443. when nobody's looking... and do this.

444. Whoo!

445. And you've got to love it for that.

446. Do you know... the strange thing about that car

447. is that I finished filming it, got into my car, went home,

448. and I haven't really given the GT another thought since.

449. I think it's something to do with the fact it's got that V6,

450. because V6 engines just aren't exciting.

451. It's like they've got no personality.

452. Some are, but I'm with you a lot of the time.

453. He's right. If they're turbocharged especially, because then they don't rev.

454. You want that extra bit of...

455. It could be the interior, which is made from that... It feels like shiny plastic.

456. It feels cheap and low-rent. But whatever it is,

457. it feels to me as though it hasn't really got a soul.

458. But we must now find out how fast it goes around the Eboladrome.

459. Right, here we go.

460. And she's off! Spoiler up, suspension dropped, in full track mode,

461. as she makes a confident start onto the Isn't.

462. Knocking it down a gear for the first curve to keep those turbos spinning,

463. and already looking on the raggedy edge.

464. She's really not mucking about here, as she flies into Your Name Here.

465. Ooh! There's a howl from the bespoke Michelins there.

466. Now... Oh, yeah, look at that smooth arc around Your Name Here,

467. and then lighting the afterburners for the fast run back down the Isn't.

468. Not what you would call a soulful sound, as we've said,

469. but there's no doubting the sheer speed of this thing.

470. OK, into Old Lady's House. Taking it steady through there.

471. Easy does it.

472. And now back on the gas for what will be a bumpy ride down to Substation.

473. Hard on the mighty carbon brakes.

474. Neat through there. This is a Le-Mans-winning performance.

475. Through Field of Sheep and across the line!

476. - That looked unbelievably quick. Did you see it?

477. - Yeah, skittering. - It was properly&

478. She must have been properly hanging on in there.

479. Anyway, we must now find out where it goes on the board.

480. Let's have a look. I imagine pretty high.

481. - Oh!

482. Well, yes.

483. One seventeen six.

484. That's... a second or so slower than the Lamborghini,

485. which is half the price, remember.

486. Yeah, but I think what that shows is not that the Ford is slow, because it just isn't -

487. I mean, it's quicker than a McLaren 720.

488. What that shows actually is just how fast that Huracán is.

489. No. Yes, exactly. That's blistering.

490. Absolutely blistering. Unbelievable car, that.

491. Anyway, it's now time for Celebrity Face-Off.

492. Yeah. And once again&

493. Once again, we have a very big question, and it is this:

494. who is the fastest drummer from a band beginning with the letter "P"?

495. To find out, would you please welcome from The Police, Stewart Copeland,

496. and from Pink Floyd, Nick Mason!

497. Look at this!

498. We are in the presence of greatness.

499. Gentlemen. Nick.

500. - Have a seat, Stewart. - Very nice to meet you.

501. Holy cow! Look at that!

502. We are not messing around tonight.

503. Genuine rock gods have come among us.

504. You are both regarded as particularly excellent drummers.

505. Well, by each other, yeah.

506. And one thing I see that you have in common

507. is your favourite drummer is the same person.

508. Yeah, Mitch Mitchell. We worked this out last night.

509. - We sorted out the hierarchy last night. - That's exactly right.

510. And er... I knew we were really on it, because the table next door

511. were beginning to eavesdrop,

512. and after five minutes they had both actually gone to sleep.

513. That's right. We lost them. We had lost them by the main course.

514. So you both agree that Mitch Mitchell was your favourite drummer?

515. Yeah, our favourite, I think.

516. This was Jimi Hendrix's drummer, I think we should explain to those of you

517. who are not as old as, let's say, we are.

518. Well, that's the travesty right there.

519. This great towering, this monument of drums...

520. "was Jimi Hendrix's drummer."

521. Well, how would you describe him?

522. Well, Jimi was Mitch's guitarist.

523. - Nice. Good. - Yeah.

524. One thing that fascinates me is why are drummers always the butt of everybody's wit?

525. Well, when I say "wit" I mean jokes.

526. It's because they secretly admire our dragging knuckles.

527. They sense our power.

528. But there are so many good jokes, right?

529. What does a drummer get on an IQ test?

530. Drool. Yeah, drool, exactly.

531. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you throw a drowning guitarist?

532. His amp.

533. How do you know it's the lead guitarist at the front door?

534. - Got the wrong key, doesn't know when to come in. Yeah.

535. That's a good one.

536. So we like the guitarist jokes.

537. Yeah, got any more jokes?

538. By the way, since we're the gnarliest members of the band,

539. for two hours we chop wood for a living,

540. and they're prissy little fiddling in front of this thing.

541. And you're giving it... Yes, it is. It's hard work as well.

542. They tell these jokes and we just take it.

543. - We do. - Because that's how great we are.

544. You have a rule as well if you make a mistake with drumming,

545. which I particularly enjoy.

546. The suggestion is, if you do make a mistake...

547. look angrily at the bass player.

548. "What the hell are you doing?" Let's move on to gigs.

549. You both presumably played really big ones over the years.

550. What's been your biggest, do you reckon?

551. Well, we've been comparing notes, but, you know,

552. you played a stadium and there are...

553. - We sell out, so, you know... - Yeah, a stadium's a stadium.

554. But I think he's still got me. We all played the Stade de France.

555. I played it twice - you know, two nights running -

556. he played it three times running.

557. OK, he beat me on this one, then he beat me on that one, because he came before me.

558. This is the way musicians establish the hierarchy.

559. He's a drummer, they always come first.

560. You know, Manfred Mann outranks me because he came before,

561. but Kanye is my bitch.

562. - Now, I've got a question here from Richard Hammond. Oh, God.

563. - No, no. - Where is he?

564. - Richard Hammond - he's there, in the audience. There you are.

565. - He's a big fan of One Direction. What?

566. - And his question is, "How do you old dinosaurs feel

567. now that music's got so good?"

568. - I didn't say that!

569. I did not say that!

570. - You did say that. - I didn't say that! Why would I say that?

571. - I think I'll let Mr Mason handle this one. - Yeah.

572. Well, I'd like to go on record as saying

573. that fairly recently erm... I was on a show.

574. I was promoting something - probably double glazing -

575. and I was with erm... Harry Styles was on as well.

576. And I did offer to play drums for him,

577. because I'm really looking for work. I mean...

578. We've got to get on to cars. No, actually, we haven't.

579. No, not yet, because I want to talk about fathers.

580. - Because your father was... - ..a wonderful man.

581. - And a CIA spy. - That, too.

582. - In his spare time. - In his spare time.

583. He was a great father and a jazz musician. That's how I knew him.

584. And he was uh... Before the war he played jazz,

585. and I've still got his trumpet - he was a session player.

586. Then the Great War broke out and he joined the army and got into intelligence,

587. and he shaped the modern Middle East as it was up until 9/11.

588. Everything that happened after 9/11 is not my dad's fault.

589. No.

590. I mean, he was very instrumental in Nasser in Egypt, wasn't he?

591. Yeah, well, when I was born, Daddy was away on business in Cairo,

592. installing Gamal Abdel Nasser as the dictator of Egypt.

593. Did you know your dad was CIA?

594. I didn't know until I was in college and um... his book came out.

595. - And on the liner notes of the book...

596. OK, but when did he stop being a spy?

597. - I... Well... - Well, certainly after he'd written the book.

598. And your father - we can turn to that. Now, he was a documentary maker.

599. - Mm-hm. - But mostly a motor racing enthusiast.

600. - Yeah. - Which has rubbed off on you.

601. Mm, just a bit.

602. This is where I'm afraid we have to tune you out slightly, Stewart,

603. for a little while, because Nick's car collection is...

604. - This is a car show. - It is a car show.

605. Not a spy-daddy show.

606. - How many cars have you got? - I don't know. Erm...

607. Hm. Twen—

608. Thir—

609. Thir— Forty?

610. Forty?

611. I've got a list here of some of them.

612. We're not talking now about, you know, cars like a Ford Cortina,

613. because you've got an Alfa Romeo TZ1,

614. Aston Martin Ulster, 1930 Bentley 4.5L,

615. Bugatti Type 35, Ferrari 250 GTO,

616. Ferrari 250 LM, Ferrari 512 Berlinetta Boxer, Ferrari Daytona Competition,

617. Ferrari F40, Model T4, Jaguar D-Type,

618. Maserati 250F, Maserati Birdcage, McLaren GTR.

619. It's a remarkable collection. Which is your favourite?

620. Er... It always has to be the 250 GTO,

621. because it makes me look clever.

622. You know, when I bought this car 40 years ago...

623. May I just ask - it's a rude question, I know -

624. but how much did you pay for the GTO?

625. - I paid about 35 grand for it. - Thirty-five thousand?

626. - And it's now worth...? - I... Don't tell me.

627. Thirty million.

628. No, more than that. Oh!

629. - Where are all these cars? - Oh, God. I've left them on the meter.

630. Have you got, like, the garage from hell?

631. And these are largely racing cars. It's racing that interests you more than...

632. Yeah. I never wanted to be a car collector, I wanted to go motor racing.

633. - And you do actually use them? - Yes.

634. - And lend them out? - Erm... Not often, but occasionally, yeah.

635. - Well, you lend them to your family. - Yes.

636. Who would like to see a photograph of what your daughter did to one?

637. There she is.

638. - That's your little girl? - It's known as the Cupcake.

639. The gloves and the helmet and the... look go great in the pink Cupcake.

640. She's trying to steer it still.

641. On the side, it all looks...

642. She hasn't given up, that's what I really...

643. "I can get this back."

644. Right, come on, then, Stewart, let's get to your cars.

645. It starts with a... It's not quite as impressive as Nick's, is it?

646. - A Morris Traveller. - There you go.

647. I got it for 40 quid from a gypsy,

648. and I spent most of the time under it.

649. - That was when you were in the UK? - Yeah.

650. - And I had a Millman Minx for a very short amount of time? - A Minx?

651. A Hill... A Millman Hinx.

652. It met its end in Hammersmith.

653. No! How?

654. Well, I was pulling around Hammersmith,

655. and an articulated lorry came in front of me,

656. and uh... so I slowed down,

657. and the back of a truck ran over and squashed my Hillman Minx like a bug.

658. On... Right there in Hammersmith.

659. And as I'm looking at the smouldering remains of my car,

660. a cop comes up and gave me a ticket for bald tyres.

661. That's cruel. Anyway, look, we've got to get on to your laps.

662. Er... Now, whose lap shall we see first? Let me think.

663. I think we should start with...

664. Well, let's be honest, let's start with the older gentleman,

665. the elder statesman, the pro.

666. - OK, who would like to see Nick's lap?

667. Come on, then. Let's have a look.

668. That's how you do it.

669. OK, launch control.

670. And... Oh, look at that for a tidy line.

671. This is a man who's done racing before.

672. Holding it nicely there.

673. - And onto the gravel. Very nice. Very nice. Look at that.

674. No brake lights.

675. Oh, but there should have been, perhaps, because that's quite wide.

676. And there we are. So, quick at the beginning, slow now - typical drummer.

677. drift!

678. Oh, look at... That's nicely done, Nick. Nice, nice.

679. And into Difficult Bit Two.

680. - You're just kissing those lines so neatly. - That bodes well.

681. No, it does. You know, it doesn't look particularly fast,

682. but I can just see... Let's have a look. That's really skinny, that bit.

683. The gravel's insane.

684. Yeah, but it's when you get back on the tarmac, you think...

685. Oh, that was wide! Right, now into the fast bit.

686. Whoa! Scary!

687. Yeah, it is that fast. It is quite scary through here.

688. That is tidily done. Did you lift?

689. Wahoo!

690. And there we are, he is across the line. So that's good - you're there.

691. Did you lift off on the fast bit?

692. By the end of it I did it flat.

693. You did it flat?

694. OK, then. Who would like to see Stewart's lap?

695. - Let's have a look at Stewart's lap.

696. Yeah, tidy start.

697. Hallelujah! Geronimo!

698. - Are we as tidy as Nick? - No, we're just cheating.

699. Off the course. No, that was nice. I like to slow it...

700. Yes, that's good. Keep it on the right, ready for the left,

701. and onto the difficult bit, when it starts to just snake around on you.

702. This is insane. This gravel is just completely insane.

703. No, I can tell you're really enjoying the gravel.

704. - I hate the dirt! - The dirt sucks!

705. No, I may have got that wrong. But this bit... Yes, nicely done.

706. You're a lot more violent, I'd say, than Nick here.

707. A lot more... Yeah, look at that - kicking the tail out.

708. - Some upthrust there. - Kicking the tail out again.

709. Soon you'll be back on the tarmac.

710. A bit of a weave there, it must be said.

711. I approve of the... It's looking really dramatic.

712. It is dramatic. It's a lot more dramatic-looking than Nick's lap, but...

713. Let's go!

714. This is a man on a mission. Oh, Christ!

715. That is quick through there, I'm gonna be honest, and nicely held.

716. Stay on course here. OK, this is the big turn.

717. And you've made it. He's made it back, all the way across the line!

718. Who shall we do first?

719. I think we're gonna go with Steady Eddie here, Nick Mason.

720. - One twenty-one three. - Oh.

721. Well, you're pulling a face but you don't know what anyone else did.

722. There you are at 1:21.3.

723. Just to give you an idea, that puts you at exactly the same time as Luke Evans,

724. who's in The Fast And The Furious.

725. Quicker than Hugh Bonneville, quicker than Michael Ball,

726. quicker than David Hasselhoff.

727. - Whoa! That's some shit. - Stewart Copeland.

728. - You looked faster. - Felt faster.

729. Felt faster.

730. But you did it in 1:24.2

731. So...

732. Hey... I made it around the course.

733. - You made it around the course... - Mostly.

734. - .. but I don't think we've had anyone slower.

735. - No, I'm lying. Bill Bailey, a well-known comedian here— - Yes, Bill! You my bitch!

736. - Bill Bailey and Alfie Boe, they're both slower. - Two bitches!

737. You've got two British bitches.

738. So, there we are, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much, Stewart Copeland,

739. and the fastest drummer from a band beginning with "P", Nick Mason!

740. Now, tonight Hammond and Clarkson are driving around France in some rubbish,

741. and I've turned up in a modern Honda Civic Type R

742. to prove that modern cars are more reliable, more comfortable,

743. and, in fact, better in every single way.

744. Yeah, whatever. When we left the action, I was standing outside our overnight hotel,

745. trying to work out how to secure a £1 million Jaguar

746. that has no roof or door locks.

747. It was a problem. We pick up the action the following morning.

748. - Morning. - Morning.

749. - Sleep well? - No.

750. - Did you do that? - Yeah, I got bored.

751. I'm amazed he didn't notice.

752. It could have something to do with the fact

753. that nobody ever looks at their number plate before they drive off.

754. Good point.

755. Soon, they had got their stupid cars going

756. and we were on our way to the mountains.

757. While I was asleep in my luxurious hotel bed last night,

758. I came up with a bit of a plan.

759. We'd head over the Pyrenees,

760. into Spain and down to Barcelona,

761. to try our cars on a very special track that I'd heard about.

762. On the way I'd prove my car was better,

763. and at the circuit I'd prove that even with me at the helm,

764. it's faster as well.

765. Here's what you need to know about old cars -

766. they are great to look at, but you don't want to drive one

767. any more than you want to use an old twin-tub washing machine.

768. They're just crap.

769. I honestly don't know what James May's on about.

770. "I don't like old stuff." He loves it!

771. He can't get enough of it! He owns a 1977 Ferrari.

772. He has a collection of ancient Honda motorcycles.

773. Does he spend his spare time fixing computers or going to raves? No.

774. He spends it eating old-fashioned pies

775. and helping his friends rebuild a steam engine.

776. I know some of you think I'm being deliberately obtuse

777. driving this Honda, but I'm not.

778. I promise you, I do genuinely like it.

779. Not only does it hold the lap record for front-wheel drive cars around the Nurburgring -

780. seven seconds faster than the old one -

781. it's done that while becoming more refined.

782. The engine's smoother, the ride's more subtle.

783. It's just a bit better all-round. It's tremendous.

784. It's also very easy to drive, which old cars are not.

785. It's in.

786. Annoyingly, at slow speeds, James had a point.

787. The Aston was a tricky little sod.

788. - That gearbox whine, it's quite pronounced.

789. And then there was the change action.

790. On balance, I think I prefer a double-clutch system... with paddles.

791. I'm just trying to do up my shirtsleeves, because it's quite chilly

792. and that will make a difference.

793. Definitely getting colder.

794. Fortunately, the 3.4L straight-six generates so much heat,

795. and there is so little shielding, that whilst my top half is cold,

796. my bottom half is toasty warm.

797. Window doesn't wind down,

798. no vents, no air conditioning.

799. No air in here at all, in fact. Just heat.

800. What I'm being is casseroled.

801. And soon things got worse...

802. I'm trying not to shiver.

803. .. because a thick fog descended.

804. This meant we had to slow down even more.

805. And that made the Aston even worse.

806. This is very authentically '50s. I'm enjoying it.

807. It's sometimes quite difficult to get it into gear.

808. I'm just going to try that in my car. Hold on.

809. Let's have second gear. Hm.

810. I can even knock it down to first here.

811. Second. No, it works.

812. No, mine's a piece of cake.

813. But there's no sense of satisfaction, is there, when you do it right?

814. Yeah, there is.

815. After a little while, the fog went from thick to impenetrable.

816. I can see pretty much nothing now.

817. The lights don't help and the windscreen wipers

818. just move the water around on the windscreen.

819. Literally can't see a thing now.

820. Fog, rain, noise.

821. A lot of noise.

822. Yeah, I'm quite cold now.

823. However, the impending hypothermia was not my main worry.

824. Oh, my God.

825. It's not sounding... Yeah, it's not good.

826. I'm having to slip the clutch to sort of keep it moving at all.

827. Yeah, I think I'm down to three cylinders now.

828. And then I had a good old 1950s breakdown.

829. What's the matter with it?

830. I think it's the spark plugs are all fouled up and gummed up.

831. Well, don't tell James.

832. No. Well, where is he?

833. I don't even know where my car is and I only parked it over there.

834. I can't see a damn thing.

835. No. Well, at least he won't have seen me doing this.

836. - He could drive by. - Well... I'll...

837. You go ahead.

838. Look, tell him I'm behind him, or I'm ahead somewhere.

839. - I could be 100 yards away. - I'll get back on the road.

840. - You get on the road. I'll fix this. - He'll never know.

841. Exactly. Tell him I'm having a lovely time and—

842. - It's starting to rain, though, Hammond. - Yes, I know!

843. - Have you got a jacket? - No!

844. Where's my bloody car? Has anyone...

845. Can anyone see an Aston Martin anywhere?

846. Hello?

847. Hammond?

848. I've found a car here. It's... Oh, it's... It's a Toyota.

849. And th-they're dogging.

850. They really are, actually. That's quite embarrassing.

851. Yeah, they're driving away now because they realise.

852. Hello. Sorry about...

853. Nothing to see here.

854. Leaving Hammond to his repairs on Dogger Bank,

855. I made some changes in my car and set off to find James.

856. Oh, yes!

857. I have improved my Aston Martin.

858. All of a sudden, my car makes sense -

859. I can't hear it.

860. And then I came across Man, who was immediately suspicious.

861. Where's Hammond?

862. Yeah, he's in front of me.

863. I'm driving right behind. I can see him, plain as day.

864. The fog is lifting and I can't help noticing that Richard Hammond,

865. who is supposedly in front of you,

866. is driving a Land Rover Discovery filming car.

867. No, no. He er... He overtook it.

868. Er... He roared off. Unbelievable speed. I couldn't keep up.

869. - His car's broken, hasn't it? - No.

870. Are your brakes squeaking?

871. - No, they're birds. - It's birdsong.

872. Right, James, look out. There are cows, followed by Hitler.

873. Oh, no, it's not Hitler, it's Winston Churchill.

874. A cow has attacked the Aston Martin!

875. Don't do that! Go and attack the Honda.

876. Meanwhile, I'd got my car going again, and was starting to regret it.

877. Yeah, this is quite hard work now. I'll be honest, I'm getting pretty tired.

878. My... My left leg is agony.

879. Gear change.

880. My knee hurts.

881. So do my ears, actually. I'm also quite cold.

882. The truth is that in the fog, at slow speeds,

883. on James's ridiculous route,

884. which was full of wartime leaders and attack cows,

885. the older cars here had been hard work.

886. But as we crested the Pyrenees, the fog lifted.

887. This meant I could drive the Aston at the only speed it understands.

888. Flat out.

889. Providing, of course, I could get past James May.

890. I'm going into R mode.

891. The lights on the instruments have gone red.

892. Goodbye, Mr Clarkson.

893. He's going down!

894. Oh, he's going down so badly!

895. I'm all over the back of him now.

896. I have more power and less weight.

897. He can come snouting around with his massive engine,

898. but as soon as we get to the curves I'll pull away.

899. Coming through.

900. Ha-ha!

901. I was back in front, and more importantly... back in love with my Aston.

902. What a car this is.

903. Oh! You have to drive it.

904. Every gear change has to be... worked out.

905. Every steering movement thought through.

906. And you can never get to the corner and think, "I won't bother heel-and-toeing here."

907. You have to, or it won't go into gear.

908. As we entered Spain, we were back as a three.

909. And soon we reached Barcelona - a city known for many things:

910. its cathedral, its cafés,

911. and its interesting architecture.

912. But, actually, the most impressive thing here is this.

913. It's called the Terramar,

914. and it's the oldest surviving banked track in Europe.

915. It opened in 1923, staged one big race,

916. and due to some unpaid bills, closed a day later.

917. For the last 50 years it's been a chicken farm.

918. OK, congratulations, James. This is the steepest banked circuit I've ever, ever seen.

919. And I'm not even at the steep bit of it yet.

920. - Seventy-eight degrees at the top, apparently.

921. What's your plan, May?

922. Well, what I thought we'd do is put a speed trap at the end of this curve,

923. where it goes level again, and whoever achieves the highest speed

924. through this banking is the winner.

925. Right. Erm... Can we have a bit of practice first?

926. Could I make a couple of modifications to my Aston?

927. Not if it's swapping it for a DB11.

928. I can't... I literally can't get any higher than this.

929. Have we got to drive up there? We do, don't we, to go fastest?

930. If you go off the edge... Yeah?

931. it's oblivion.

932. - No, because the tree will stop us, won't it? No.

933. Before we embarked on our practice laps,

934. I set about my important modifications.

935. What are you doing?

936. I'm giving my car air conditioning.

937. You're drilling holes in a one-and-a-half-million-pound car?

938. I couldn't do that.

939. That's the difference between you and me - I'm practical.

940. - No, that's vandalism. - It's not vandalism!

941. It's got a hole in it!

942. But now I'll be able to breathe and see where I'm going,

943. which is important when the track is at that angle.

944. That's like saying, "Westminster Abbey's in the way.

945. I'll knock it down so I get a better view." It's still vandalism.

946. You don't like old things, so why wouldn't you knock Westminster Abbey down?

947. - I like Westminster Abbey. - Ha! Hoist by his own petard. Another one here.

948. With the air con sorted, it was time to start practising,

949. on what, over the years, has become a bumpy, potholed deathtrap.

950. Sixty miles an hour as I approach...

951. Whoa! Big pothole there.

952. .. the first corner.

953. Already, I can tell it's very bumpy.

954. Whoa! Steering's gone very weird!

955. Christ! It's alarming.

956. It's bloody ridiculous! To look where you're going, you have to look up.

957. That doesn't happen in cars. It's wrong!

958. Coming up to the second banked turn.

959. Christ!

960. The bumps are so unnerving!

961. Jesus!

962. Apparently, some of them are so violent

963. they can make the car jump... four feet to the right.

964. The forces being exerted on the outside tyres are unbelievable.

965. We are talking planetary energy.

966. Aware of this, Hammond was starting to make squeaky noises.

967. Who said I want to go up there? Why would I go up there?

968. I'm gonna try and lift it up the banking on this one. Here we go.

969. Oh, shit! That was a big bump!

970. God Al-bloody-mighty!

971. Jesus Christ! That's terrible!

972. Finally, the practice laps were over.

973. - Oh, Christ! - This... is scary.

974. The problem with going around a banked turn is there's nothing you can do.

975. You can't slow down, you can't speed up.

976. If anything goes wrong, you're a passenger.

977. And because he was aware of that, too,

978. Squeaky Boy decided he didn't want to play any more.

979. Yeah, well, my practice laps have told me one thing - I don't want to do it.

980. I've just gone right off huge motoring accidents at the moment. Right off them.

981. Having decided he didn't want to buy the farm,

982. he went off to buy a farmhouse instead.

983. So it became a two-car shoot-out,

984. and ASBO Man was the first to go.

985. Concentrate, May. Concentrate.

986. Give it some beanage.

987. Shit! That's terrifying!

988. Bumpy! Bumpy!

989. It's made the windscreen wipers come on!

990. Jeez! That is not a pleasant sensation, I promise you.

991. Right, this is it!

992. Let's see how fast I can make this thing go.

993. Oh, my giddy aunt! That is... Jesus Christ!

994. That's bumpy shit!

995. Oh, me!

996. That's one of the scariest things I've ever done in a car.

997. Ever.

998. It was.

999. Well done. Well done. Well done.

1000. I've got to say erm...

1001. .. we weren't joking there - he really did go and buy a farmhouse

1002. in south-west France.

1003. And actually, James and I wish we'd gone with him,

1004. because that was hideously terrifying.

1005. - It's awful. - It really was.

1006. Anyway, I have the numbers from the speed trap here,

1007. and, Jeremy Clarkson, you passed it at 89mph.

1008. - Well done. - That is brave. That is brave.

1009. - Was it really 89? - Yes. Well done.

1010. - And then, James May, you passed it at... - Thirty-two.

1011. 93mph!

1012. Oh!

1013. James May has won a thing!

1014. - I'm staggered! He has! - He's won a thing!

1015. And what you've proved is, by being so speedy,

1016. that modern cars are 4mph faster than they were 60 years ago.

1017. Yeah.

1018. The thing is, though, you can't actually drive your cars on the road.

1019. Well, no, the Aston, I have to admit, at slow speed, is very difficult.

1020. If you try and tickle it into gear, it just won't have it.

1021. The only language it understands is violence.

1022. You ram it in, and then you're fine.

1023. That's not what I was talking about.

1024. You're not actually allowed to drive your cars on the road, are you?

1025. I did, because Aston registered that one as a prototype, so I could.

1026. Yeah, it was a bit more complicated in the Jag,

1027. because it was registered as a test car,

1028. so technically only a Jaguar employee can drive it.

1029. - So how did you? - I had to get a job at Jaguar.

1030. Seriously?

1031. Yeah, I-I now work for Jaguar. I do.

1032. But as my job is now done, Jaguar, I'm afraid I resign.

1033. How will the news go down in Wall Street when they hear about this?

1034. It will affect the share price. "Hammond rocks City with shock Jag move."

1035. That could be the headline.

1036. Or it could be, "Hamster screws big cat."

1037. - That would do it. That would cover it.

1038. - Look, here is the... here is the truth of it. Yeah?

1039. If you went out and bought one of those cars,

1040. you wouldn't legally be allowed to drive it on the road, would you?

1041. No, you wouldn't.

1042. So you've actually wasted everybody's time, haven't you?

1043. - A bit, yeah, - Yeah, a bit.

1044. And on that terrible disappointment, it is time to end.

1045. Thank you so much for watching. See you next time. Goodbye!