1. Welcome.Copy !req
2. Now, a couple of months ago,Copy !req
3. we were sitting around,
wondering what we should doCopy !req
4. for this, the last programme
in the series.Copy !req
5. Yeah. I said we should
build a car that's also
an aircraft carrier.Copy !req
6. Yeah, I wanted to
fire a car into space.Copy !req
7. But then we decided that
what we should actually do,Copy !req
8. because neither of those
things were ambitious enough,Copy !req
9. was end world hunger.Copy !req
10. Yeah. It's a big job.Copy !req
11. Yeah, it's not the sort
of thing that we could
achieve in 20 minutesCopy !req
12. with a couple of guests
and a bit of idle chit-chat
in-between.Copy !req
13. No. We were going to need
the whole show.Copy !req
14. So settle back now
as we take The Grand Tour
on a mini specialCopy !req
15. to the poverty-stricken
but beautiful countryCopy !req
16. of Mozambique.Copy !req
17. This is the village of Bingo
in the west of the country.Copy !req
18. The people here
are not starving,Copy !req
19. but they are very poor.Copy !req
20. Jesus here has to exist on
a diet of miserable gruel,Copy !req
21. which is fine for silly rich
women in London and New York.Copy !req
22. But food like this makes
the average red-blooded
African man very sad.Copy !req
23. And that's odd,
because just 200 miles awayCopy !req
24. things are very different.Copy !req
25. This is Mozambique's
capital city, Maputo.Copy !req
26. And the people here are
well-nourished and happyCopy !req
27. because they live
by the ocean...Copy !req
28. which is full of fish.Copy !req
29. And that got us wondering.Copy !req
30. How hard can it be...Copy !req
31. to get the fish from here
to that village we were
looking at earlier?Copy !req
32. Yeah. Now, this isn't
a very wealthy country.Copy !req
33. - In fact,
it's a poor country.
- Desperately poor.Copy !req
34. Desperately poor. So they
don't have refrigerated trucks,
all that kind of stuff.Copy !req
35. No, but we're talking about
200 miles. That's London to
Leeds, isn't it?Copy !req
36. It's nothing
to get this there.Copy !req
37. I'm telling you, when
we get this sorted out,Copy !req
38. when we move these fish
to Bingo,Copy !req
39. there'll be Nobel Prizes
in it for us.Copy !req
40. - And I'd be Boutros
Boutros-May.
- Yes.Copy !req
41. And I'd be Ban Ki-Hammond.Copy !req
42. - What? Oh, Ban Ki.
- Yeah.Copy !req
43. - I'm gonna go for
a knighthood...
- Do it. Why not?Copy !req
44. - ... beat David Beckham to it.
- That'd go down well.Copy !req
45. Unfortunately,
having agreed that
we would end world hungerCopy !req
46. by moving fish
across Mozambique,Copy !req
47. we couldn't agree on how
this might be achieved.Copy !req
48. So we ended up
with different solutions.Copy !req
49. This is what I came up with -
a 1984 Mercedes wagon,Copy !req
50. a car famous throughout
Africa for its rugged
dependability.Copy !req
51. However, I have modified it
extensively.Copy !req
52. In the back,
filling up all of the back,
is a Perspex tank.Copy !req
53. What I'm going to do
is fill that with sea waterCopy !req
54. and then put the fishes
in thereCopy !req
55. and they will stay aliveCopy !req
56. as I make my way inland.Copy !req
57. Now, you can't get fish fresher
than fishes that are still
swimming around in the sea.Copy !req
58. I have been clever.Copy !req
59. Very clever.Copy !req
60. Not as clever as me.Copy !req
61. Because for the first time
in my entire life,Copy !req
62. I've made a sensible
decision. I've gone for this.Copy !req
63. It's a pick-up truck that
Nissan named after me.Copy !req
64. It's called the Hardbody.Copy !req
65. It's got tons of space in the
back for cod and bream
and sticklebacks.Copy !req
66. And it has four-wheel drive,
which I reckon is going to be
essential,Copy !req
67. because - and James hasn't
realised this -Copy !req
68. it's the rainy season
in Mozambique,Copy !req
69. so I reckon the roads
are gonna be... hell.Copy !req
70. Hammond, meanwhile,
hadn't been clever at all.Copy !req
71. What do you think of that?Copy !req
72. - Well, I think it's
a... motorcycle.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
73. Specifically,
it's a TVS Star HLX E5Copy !req
74. and I've just bought this
brand new from a supermarketCopy !req
75. for 800 quid.Copy !req
76. Brand spankers.Copy !req
77. Hammond,
this is not a quality item.Copy !req
78. It's built down to a budget,
isn't it? You can feel that.Copy !req
79. Is it a 1,000cc?Copy !req
80. - No, 100.
- What?Copy !req
81. - 100cc.
- How many cylinders? Four?Copy !req
82. - One.
- One?Copy !req
83. - That one.
- So how much horsepower
has it got?Copy !req
84. - Seven. Seven.
- Seven?Copy !req
85. But it's light, it's agile.Copy !req
86. These things are
actually built in IndiaCopy !req
87. specifically to be used
in Africa.Copy !req
88. They are!Copy !req
89. They're built in India
specifically for use
in Africa...Copy !req
90. It's too poor to be used
in India.Copy !req
91. I can see why the Indians
don't want it.Copy !req
92. It's rugged, it's tough,
it can go off-road
if we need to.Copy !req
93. - It can do anything.
- But what it can't do,
Hammond,Copy !req
94. is transport
a large amount of fish.Copy !req
95. Exactly what I was thinking.
If I wanted a pizza delivery,Copy !req
96. this is the sort of
thing...Copy !req
97. I've thought about this.
Let me explain my idea.Copy !req
98. This is my genius. What
they do here is dry the fish
in the windCopy !req
99. cos it lasts longer.Copy !req
100. - Is that fish?
- That's fish,
drying in the wind.Copy !req
101. - It looks like cats.
- No, it's fish!Copy !req
102. I'm gonna build a rack like
that, fit it to the back,Copy !req
103. and then I'll dry the fish
as I go along.Copy !req
104. It's brilliant!Copy !req
105. That is literally the
stupidest idea
I've ever heard of.Copy !req
106. What are you gonna do, sling
your fish in your pick-up and
watch them rot?Copy !req
107. Ah! No. Actually,
I have a plan on that.Copy !req
108. But I do need your help.Copy !req
109. Jeremy's plan was
to break into a hotelCopy !req
110. in the dead of night
and do a burglary.Copy !req
111. You're not gonna...
You're gonna have to tilt it!Copy !req
112. You're gonna have to tilt it!Copy !req
113. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
114. Right, back!Copy !req
115. There!Copy !req
116. - Why is it so heavy?
- Ssh!Copy !req
117. There's a lot of gubbins
in it.Copy !req
118. The next morning,
we all met up on the beachCopy !req
119. and I set about fitting
the hotel's ice machine
to my Hardbody.Copy !req
120. Right, so I need a bucket of
water above the height of
the stolen ice machineCopy !req
121. from which the Solenoid ice
machine can get the supply
that it can convert into ice.Copy !req
122. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
123. Generator in place.Copy !req
124. Water tank in place.Copy !req
125. Meanwhile, Hammond was
building his fish rack...Copy !req
126. and May was filling
his Macquarium
with sea water.Copy !req
127. How much is your car going
to weigh when it's full?Copy !req
128. An extra 700.Copy !req
129. - Tons?
- No, kilograms.Copy !req
130. - So it's at 0.7 of a ton...
- Yeah, extra.Copy !req
131. - Extra. And he's parked it...
- On sand. Wet sand.Copy !req
132. - Wet sand.
- But the fish aren't heavy.Copy !req
133. Tyre. Look at the tyre.Copy !req
134. The tide is
definitely coming in.Copy !req
135. With the Indian Ocean
nibbling at his back end,Copy !req
136. James's tank
was eventually full.Copy !req
137. I need to get this going
as quick as possible.
You lot out of the way!Copy !req
138. He's not gonna do it.Copy !req
139. Bollocks!Copy !req
140. I need a tow! Tow!Copy !req
141. Try!Copy !req
142. It won't do it. It's only got
104 horsepower.Copy !req
143. Get the truck!Copy !req
144. Get your four-by-four,
please,Copy !req
145. and tow me
the first 20 yards.Copy !req
146. That's what you've got it
for! Get it in front!Copy !req
147. He's really shouting at me.Copy !req
148. I don't respond well
to shouting. I like calmness.Copy !req
149. - Can you help?
- Yep.Copy !req
150. - What's the matter?
- I want a tow!Copy !req
151. You've got a four-by-four.
Put it there.
Just tow me a bit.Copy !req
152. I helped you nick
the ice-making machine.Copy !req
153. Do something in return.
You're still not doing it!Copy !req
154. I am.Copy !req
155. This is me saving James May.Copy !req
156. It's not ideal, but...Copy !req
157. Jeremy, he's ready!Copy !req
158. Keep going!Copy !req
159. What is that noise?Copy !req
160. That's my gearbox.Copy !req
161. No, no! Stop!Copy !req
162. Oh, you pillock!Copy !req
163. Hammond,
there's a really bad noise...Copy !req
164. I dropped him right where
the sewage is.Copy !req
165. - OK.
- There's a terrible noise.Copy !req
166. coming from the bottom
of my gear leverCopy !req
167. when it's underload,
pulling him.Copy !req
168. - What is that?
- That clicking metallic—Copy !req
169. - Could you hear it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
170. Dunno. Honestly don't know.Copy !req
171. Thank you. But you were
supposed to do it gently.Copy !req
172. - That's what I was shouting.
- My car is broken.Copy !req
173. - Well...
- Mine's not, fortunately.Copy !req
174. - How did that happen?
- You did it.Copy !req
175. You might have
holed his radiator.
We haven't had a look yet.Copy !req
176. - When I said "Stop",
you accelerated.
- Yeah, that did happen.Copy !req
177. The noise of my
disintegrating gearboxCopy !req
178. was drowning you out.Copy !req
179. I didn't know your gearbox
was disintegrating.Copy !req
180. - It is now.
- Radiator and fan are OK.Copy !req
181. - I knew they were.
I judged it to perfection.
- Course you did.Copy !req
182. Once we'd replaced
the water James was now
wearing,Copy !req
183. we were ready to go
and catch some fish,Copy !req
184. using local methods that
we didn't really understand.Copy !req
185. So far as we could tell, we
had to put James in the seaCopy !req
186. with one end of the rope,Copy !req
187. and then Hammond and I had to
row about,Copy !req
188. dropping off a net
as we went.Copy !req
189. And pull!Copy !req
190. Arg!Copy !req
191. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
192. There's been an accident!Copy !req
193. Row the boat, you idle sods!Copy !req
194. Hold on, James, we'll be...Copy !req
195. This is how they do it here.Copy !req
196. No, that's the wrong way.
Gotta go the other way.Copy !req
197. Oh, shit, I'm on
the wrong side!Copy !req
198. Turn it. Oh hell!Copy !req
199. As Hammond and I were
struggling to get into
a rhythm...Copy !req
200. Hang on, hang on.
The oar's come out.Copy !req
201. and, as it turned out,
the Indian Ocean wasn't
that deep...Copy !req
202. Where has all the sea gone?Copy !req
203. we decided to push
the boat instead.Copy !req
204. Any minute now we're going
to start fishing.Copy !req
205. I think this might
actually be working.Copy !req
206. If they can just get
themselves back to here,Copy !req
207. we've got two ends of a net,Copy !req
208. pull it in full of fish.Copy !req
209. Arg! Shit!Copy !req
210. I've caught myself
in the net!Copy !req
211. Oh, shit!Copy !req
212. After this calamity...Copy !req
213. - Hammond, get it!
- I can't get it!Copy !req
214. we decided that
we'd be better offCopy !req
215. in the boat after all.Copy !req
216. And soon we'd worked our way
back to James.Copy !req
217. - God!
- Come on!Copy !req
218. We're coming. Right, anchor.Copy !req
219. Right. Dropping anchor.Copy !req
220. What we do is, we pull it in,Copy !req
221. and then, as the net comes
towards us...Copy !req
222. it fills up with fish.Copy !req
223. So is that the other end
of it?Copy !req
224. This is my end,
the beginning end.Copy !req
225. - Where's the other end?
- At the back of your boat.Copy !req
226. This is the other end,
isn't it?Copy !req
227. Hold on. No, wait.
This is the other end.Copy !req
228. But that's also
the other end.Copy !req
229. This is the other end!Copy !req
230. Once we'd established
that somehowCopy !req
231. our rope had three ends,
we began hauling in the net.Copy !req
232. Behold the sparkling treasure
of the seas!Copy !req
233. What we've achieved -
not only solving world hungerCopy !req
234. but mastering fishing
in a single day.Copy !req
235. Have you ever seen
Bono do this?Copy !req
236. - Angelina Jolie?
- No.Copy !req
237. Both of them well respected
for their charitable work.Copy !req
238. I haven't seen them
in the sea hauling nets.Copy !req
239. Or David Beckham.Copy !req
240. Eventually our catch
was on board.Copy !req
241. We've got eight plus one
that got out in the boat.Copy !req
242. And, to make matters worse...Copy !req
243. There's a big squall coming.Copy !req
244. Yep, I can see it.
That'll be it.Copy !req
245. Urgh! It's getting
quite hairy out here now.Copy !req
246. We're all on board.Copy !req
247. You can't row in this.Copy !req
248. If we lift up the anchor,Copy !req
249. the wind will blow us
onto the shore.Copy !req
250. That's good.Copy !req
251. Or we might just miss it
and end up in Madagascar.Copy !req
252. Or Somalia.Copy !req
253. - Yeah.
- What's Madagascar like?Copy !req
254. - Better than Somalia.
- Yeah.Copy !req
255. Faced with the prospect of
being kidnapped by pirates...Copy !req
256. we bravely decided to
abandon the boat we'd
borrowedCopy !req
257. and the fish we'd caught,
and hitch a ride back
to the harbourCopy !req
258. with the film crew.Copy !req
259. Oh, bollocks!Copy !req
260. The next day, though,
things started to look up.Copy !req
261. We went off fishing
this morning,Copy !req
262. before the camera crews
were up,Copy !req
263. and we've had a much more
successful morning,
much more.Copy !req
264. This is the result.Copy !req
265. I caught the dorado by hand,
in fact.Copy !req
266. That was quite
a wrestling match.
I remember watching that.Copy !req
267. I was hauling these in
at the time, all of them.Copy !req
268. Anyway, we've got a lot of
fish that we caught
ourselves,Copy !req
269. without the crew,
early this morning.Copy !req
270. And now it was time
to load them into our fish
transportation vehicles.Copy !req
271. That is an octopus, look.Copy !req
272. You can see its face,Copy !req
273. the surprise from when James
wrestled it. Look at that.Copy !req
274. With a cheese sauce,
got a thermidor going on
right there.Copy !req
275. They will be kept succulent
and freshCopy !req
276. for the journey to Bingo.Copy !req
277. Right, come on, matey.
In the big tank.Copy !req
278. You'll like it
with your mates.Copy !req
279. Hey, hey, hey! Look at that!Copy !req
280. Sorry, mate. Sorry.Copy !req
281. Sorry. Oh, he's sandy.Copy !req
282. Oh, bollocks.Copy !req
283. I'll rinse him off.
There you go.Copy !req
284. He's OK.Copy !req
285. So it goes in its mouth
and out of its anus?Copy !req
286. No. It'll go in its mouthCopy !req
287. and then I imagine
out of its gill.Copy !req
288. No, it needs to go through
its anus, then it goes
through its whole body.Copy !req
289. It goes through the gill,
not threaded all the way
through the fish!Copy !req
290. - If I were to dry you...
- Can somebody come and open
the lid?Copy !req
291. - No, I'm busy with him.
- Open the lid!Copy !req
292. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
293. - Admire.
- Now what do you do?Copy !req
294. Hang it on here.Copy !req
295. Eventually
the loading and the hanging
were completeCopy !req
296. and we were ready.Copy !req
297. OK, it's time now...Copy !req
298. Nobody's ever said this
on a car show before.Copy !req
299. to save the world.Copy !req
300. There you go.Copy !req
301. Right, forward into saving
the world. This is it.Copy !req
302. Oh, my God! Oh. Oh.Copy !req
303. Stupid...
What the hell is...?Copy !req
304. Oh, Lord above!Copy !req
305. What manner of thing
is happening here?Copy !req
306. Still, could be worse.Copy !req
307. Oh, it's steering me,
I'm not steering it.Copy !req
308. It is steering me! Oh!Copy !req
309. - Ladies and gentlemen,
it is with great...Copy !req
310. Ladies and gentlemen,
it is with great...Copy !req
311. It is with great pride
and humilityCopy !req
312. that I accept this award
for... Urgh!Copy !req
313. Ah, Tarmac!Copy !req
314. That's better!Copy !req
315. Our mercy mission
would take us through
the city of MaputoCopy !req
316. and then 200 miles north,
to the tiny village of Bingo.Copy !req
317. The great thing about
this particular vehicleCopy !req
318. is that it has a 3.2-litre
four-cylinder diesel engine.Copy !req
319. That's a great deal of power,
it'll get me there quickly.Copy !req
320. This is what Angelina
and Bob Geldof and Bono
don't realise.Copy !req
321. It's all very well singing
songs and adopting children.Copy !req
322. What you actually need is
a big, powerful engine,Copy !req
323. and that's what I've got
in my Hardbody.Copy !req
324. Everybody I pass, you can see
the light dawning in their
eyes.Copy !req
325. "Why didn't we
think of that?"Copy !req
326. Every morning in future
there'll be a fleet of
fishing boatsCopy !req
327. coming in to shore hereCopy !req
328. and a fleet of these bikesCopy !req
329. waiting to collect the fishCopy !req
330. and transport it inland,Copy !req
331. And it's what, 200 miles?Copy !req
332. I reckon on a bike,
a good rider could get inCopy !req
333. two or even three fish trips
a day.Copy !req
334. See, it's brilliant,
isn't it?Copy !req
335. Yeah. It's a brilliant idea!Copy !req
336. You're gonna want to do it!
It's a great business!Copy !req
337. Yeah, you see!
This is like Lions' Den,Copy !req
338. Dragons' Den, whatever.
The Den.Copy !req
339. That show with Alan Sugar on.Copy !req
340. He means Donald Trump.Copy !req
341. Temperatures and pressures
are OK.Copy !req
342. Tank is full of water.Copy !req
343. Quick look at my fish.
Yes, there's one.Copy !req
344. He's looking pretty happy.
Why wouldn't he be?
He's in the sea.Copy !req
345. He doesn't know
he's in a car.Copy !req
346. Fish are not, you know...Copy !req
347. They don't have
a big intellect.Copy !req
348. Overtaking
the Leaning Bus of Pisa!Copy !req
349. So here we are.
We've done 40 miles already.Copy !req
350. We're on a velvet-smooth,
almost Austrian road,Copy !req
351. heading towards Bingo.Copy !req
352. We should be there
in a couple of hours.Copy !req
353. Easiest thing I've ever done.
Easiest.Copy !req
354. In fact, since things
were going so smoothly,Copy !req
355. I decided to amuse myself.Copy !req
356. Ready, steady and
brake-testing James May.Copy !req
357. Git!Copy !req
358. You're not helping with
the transport of my fish.Copy !req
359. This is supposed to be
a group effort.Copy !req
360. Don't be
such a petulant child.Copy !req
361. Oh, someone's fallen over
in the road. Nothing I can
do.Copy !req
362. A few miles further on,
though,Copy !req
363. the smooth Tarmac ran out.Copy !req
364. And because Hammond had
rejected my anus suggestionCopy !req
365. and used gills instead,Copy !req
366. it caused him some problems.Copy !req
367. Hammond, you just
lost 90% of your fish.Copy !req
368. Oh, no, did I?Copy !req
369. Oh, he's lost another one!Copy !req
370. I've just run over
a fish. Should I worry?Copy !req
371. Oh, mate, you're gonna be
running over more than one.Copy !req
372. Hammond is losing them
at a rate of knots.Copy !req
373. Two more just went there,
Hammond.Copy !req
374. Oh, God!Copy !req
375. And another one.Copy !req
376. He's gonna have...
And another one.Copy !req
377. no fish at all.
And another.Copy !req
378. This fish delivery was
supposed to be targeted.Copy !req
379. What you're doing is
carpet-bombing Mozambique
with bream.Copy !req
380. It's the principle
I'm proving.Copy !req
381. I'm not trying
to feed them all.Copy !req
382. I'm trying to show them
how to feed themselves.Copy !req
383. What a blithering idiot.Copy !req
384. The inside of the
windscreen's filthyCopy !req
385. because of... dollops of
sea water hitting it.Copy !req
386. I'm delighted to say
it's now spitting with rain,Copy !req
387. which of course is filling up
my water bucket.Copy !req
388. That's the sort of recycling
that will leave Prince
Charles breathless.Copy !req
389. When I go for my knighthood,
he'll probably bring it up,
I should imagine.Copy !req
390. What gave
you the idea of recycling?Copy !req
391. I think this is so inventive,
it really is.Copy !req
392. - Urgh!
- Sorry.Copy !req
393. - No point drying them if
you're gonna soak them!
- Sorry.Copy !req
394. Argh!Copy !req
395. Sorry, Hammond.
Did some of that go on you?Copy !req
396. What's the point of
me drying fish if you then
get them wet in a puddle?Copy !req
397. It was still another
150 miles to Bingo.Copy !req
398. But we were confident
that even on these roads,Copy !req
399. we'd get there by nightfall.Copy !req
400. Soon, though, the going
started to get much worse.Copy !req
401. Not so good.Copy !req
402. Steady, steady.Copy !req
403. Shit!Copy !req
404. That's a massive rut. Oh, no!Copy !req
405. Argh!Copy !req
406. Come on!Copy !req
407. Hammond cannot possibly
make this.Copy !req
408. Oh, no! Not again!Copy !req
409. It's getting quite struggly
now for him.Copy !req
410. But actually it was the
ruggedly dependable MercedesCopy !req
411. that was the first to crack.Copy !req
412. That was going well.Copy !req
413. What's the matter, May?Copy !req
414. It cut out when I went
through the puddle.Copy !req
415. Getting water on something
or in something.Copy !req
416. I'm trying to work out
what I can do about that.Copy !req
417. Nothing.Copy !req
418. However, because we were
all working as a team,Copy !req
419. we had to wait until
his engine dried out.Copy !req
420. Right, let's go.Copy !req
421. Sadly, though,
this wasn't a one-off.Copy !req
422. Hang on a minute.
It's killed it.
Give it a minute, it'll go.Copy !req
423. Bugger!Copy !req
424. What's the news?
Is your car working or not?Copy !req
425. I've got to wait for
a minute and a half.Copy !req
426. Why did you
have to break down there,
you clodhoppy old imbecile?Copy !req
427. There's nothing I can do.
Sorry, I have to wait for
a minute and a half.Copy !req
428. How have I put up with him
for so long?Copy !req
429. The slow progress of
the MercedesCopy !req
430. was now causing me problems,Copy !req
431. because the skies were dry
and my water bucket was
nearly empty.Copy !req
432. He keeps breaking down
in front of me and then going,Copy !req
433. "It's a minute and a half.
You have to wait."Copy !req
434. And it isn't a minute
and a half, it's about
15 minutes.Copy !req
435. I must get ice. We can't
afford to wait for him
bumbling around.Copy !req
436. No, you do need more ice.
You need more water.Copy !req
437. I know we said we'd
work as a team and we are
working as a team.Copy !req
438. - And the teamwork is,
leaving him behind.
- Yeah, as a team.Copy !req
439. With that decision made,
we set off.Copy !req
440. Come on, little bike.
Keep going, baby. Keep going.Copy !req
441. Mostly the progress was good.Copy !req
442. Sorry.Copy !req
443. That was not on purpose.Copy !req
444. Let's find out
what lies in here for you.Copy !req
445. Come on!Copy !req
446. Oh, deary me.Copy !req
447. I think you've drowned
your hog.Copy !req
448. Hammond insisted I get out
and help.Copy !req
449. But it was all muddy, so
I came up with a better idea.Copy !req
450. Urgh...Copy !req
451. It's working!Copy !req
452. This is impressive delicacy
from Clarkson here.
I'm staggered.Copy !req
453. How gentle was that?Copy !req
454. You were extraordinarily
gentle.Copy !req
455. You know
that'll never work again?Copy !req
456. - It will.
- It was £800
from a supermarket.Copy !req
457. The handlebars have come off.Copy !req
458. You're blowing water
out of your exhaust pipe.Copy !req
459. No way!Copy !req
460. - Oh, come on!Copy !req
461. Why did Ewan McGregor use
a BMW GS?Copy !req
462. I don't know. They're very
expensive and...Copy !req
463. He wasted his money.Copy !req
464. I'm staggered!Copy !req
465. Meanwhile, much further back,Copy !req
466. the soggy dog
was not being so lucky.Copy !req
467. One and a half minutes.Copy !req
468. As the afternoon wore on,Copy !req
469. the roads became
even worse...Copy !req
470. Come on!Copy !req
471. and the human terrapin
was really starting
to slow me down.Copy !req
472. Right, my bucket is now
officially dry.Copy !req
473. I have got to get to a source
of fresh, clean waterCopy !req
474. before that ice melts.Copy !req
475. Come on!Copy !req
476. Holy shit,
I am now in the sea!Copy !req
477. Hammond, we've got to get to
the next town. Can we stop
messing about?Copy !req
478. - I'm not messing about.
- You are.Copy !req
479. I'm not messing about!
There are no words!Copy !req
480. It's come out of gear.
Come on.Copy !req
481. Come on, Hammond,
we're running out of ice.Copy !req
482. Ooh, bollocks!Copy !req
483. Oh, that's a tragic
spectacle, it really is.Copy !req
484. This is...Copy !req
485. I don't even like fish!Copy !req
486. Eventually I had
no choice but to abandon
my remaining colleague.Copy !req
487. I don't even know how far
away the next town is.Copy !req
488. But I have got to get there
before the last of the ice
melts.Copy !req
489. I've got to get some water,Copy !req
490. and it's going dark.Copy !req
491. Anyone can sing
Feed The World.Copy !req
492. It's actually quite
difficult, though, as it's
turning out, to do it,Copy !req
493. especially if you have
a motorcycle or a MercedesCopy !req
494. that you've converted
into an aquarium.Copy !req
495. Come on, keep going.Copy !req
496. Keep going, German.Copy !req
497. That's marvellous.Copy !req
498. Bugger! Bollocks and arse!Copy !req
499. However,
after total darkness fell...Copy !req
500. solid teamwork meant
I was in good shape.Copy !req
501. Right, on the upside,
I found a town,Copy !req
502. well,
some kind of settlement,Copy !req
503. where I've got water
and I've got ice,Copy !req
504. so the fish are fine.Copy !req
505. On the downside,Copy !req
506. we've just found out I'm not
even halfway to Bingo.Copy !req
507. It's the middle of the night
and Hammond and May
are hours,Copy !req
508. three, four hours, behind me.Copy !req
509. So do I wait for them?Copy !req
510. Oh, dear. Right. Calm.Copy !req
511. Bollocks!Copy !req
512. Amazingly,
the morning revealed that
Jeremy had waited for us,Copy !req
513. so our convoy was reunited.Copy !req
514. But before we could set off,
I had to repair my bikeCopy !req
515. and James had to refill
his depleted water tank.Copy !req
516. So, water is just—Copy !req
517. - No, don't do...
- Oh, God.Copy !req
518. I don't particularly
want to see you, just
to be absolutely clear.Copy !req
519. - Why?
- Well, I got here
at 4am,Copy !req
520. wet, with consumption,
smelling like a damp dog.Copy !req
521. Tried to sleep in the car,
and what did I hear?Copy !req
522. - No idea.
- Snoring.Copy !req
523. Your car snoring.Copy !req
524. That bloody generator is like
someone snoring,Copy !req
525. but without the pauses
in the breaths.Copy !req
526. The generator is necessary
to keep my fish fresh.Copy !req
527. - Where's your water gone?
- On my head.Copy !req
528. Anyway,
we've got to make more water.Copy !req
529. This is water.
I was just about to explainCopy !req
530. that that is normal water
which we're all familiar
with. You drink it.Copy !req
531. Sea water is salty.
We all know that as well.Copy !req
532. - I know,
I brought you some salt.
- It's not that sort of salt.Copy !req
533. - It's salt.
- That's table salt.Copy !req
534. Exactly. Sea salt has
extra minerals in.Copy !req
535. That doesn't.
That's been refined.Copy !req
536. This is sea salt.
So we have to work out...Copy !req
537. I'll show you. Normal water.
Needle at the bottom.Copy !req
538. We have to mix enough salt
to put the needle on there,Copy !req
539. right at the top of
the scale.Copy !req
540. I know that's 25 litres,
because—Copy !req
541. Hold on. No. If you're doing
25 litres at a time...Copy !req
542. I'm doing 25 litres to work
out how much salt to put in.Copy !req
543. - We're going to be here
all morning...
- No, we're not.Copy !req
544. - ... because you have to fill
your entire tank up!
- So what should I do?Copy !req
545. Why are you so angry with me?
I've come to help.Copy !req
546. You haven't come to help.
I could have almost
done it by now.Copy !req
547. You're just standing there
being fatuousCopy !req
548. and bringing a thing of salt
from a seaside café
from the 1950s in Morecambe.Copy !req
549. Bugger off. Please.Copy !req
550. - Well, get on with it.
- Go away.Copy !req
551. - Right, so, we know that's—
- Don't talk.
Just get on with it.Copy !req
552. Having refilled my tank...Copy !req
553. That should be close enough
for my fishy friends.Copy !req
554. our convoy continued on
its mercy mission to Bingo.Copy !req
555. I've rigged up a really
rudimentary tarpaulinCopy !req
556. to try and reduce
the splashingCopy !req
557. and give the fish
a better chance.Copy !req
558. It does smell so rank in hereCopy !req
559. and I haven't even got
the excuse of dead fish.Copy !req
560. I think I've got crotch rot
from sitting in my own
wet underpantsCopy !req
561. for 16 hours yesterday.Copy !req
562. Is that an octopus on
the back of your bike now?Copy !req
563. Yes.Copy !req
564. - Where did you get that from?
- Found it in a pond.Copy !req
565. Hammond, have you emptied out
the back of my pick-up truckCopy !req
566. to reload your ridiculous
drying system?Copy !req
567. No. I went fishing.Copy !req
568. - Did you?
- It's a freshwater octopus.Copy !req
569. Mozambique freshwater
octopus. They're quite famous
but very rare.Copy !req
570. I hate him.Copy !req
571. Right, yesterday
we covered 100 miles.Copy !req
572. Today... Well, we've still
got 100 miles to goCopy !req
573. and none of it from what
I hear is on Tarmac.Copy !req
574. For me,
that was a particularly
terrifying prospect.Copy !req
575. Oh, no. Red dust.Copy !req
576. Oh, God, here we go.Copy !req
577. It doesn't look like anything
much, but this soft red sandCopy !req
578. sits on a very hard
subsurfaceCopy !req
579. and it is simply impossible
to ride a bike over.Copy !req
580. It just has no grip.Copy !req
581. Shit!Copy !req
582. Front end gone away from me.Copy !req
583. There's only another
100 miles of this, Hammond.Copy !req
584. I can't do it.Copy !req
585. You heard it, ladies and
gentlemen. "I can't do it."Copy !req
586. He's not bothered about
world hunger, world poverty.Copy !req
587. Just himself.Copy !req
588. Oh! Ooh! Argh!Copy !req
589. After a while, though,
Hammond decided to be brave,Copy !req
590. with hilarious consequences.Copy !req
591. Come on, stop it.Copy !req
592. Shit!Copy !req
593. Oh! Here we go again.
Yep. No. Yep.Copy !req
594. Do you know, James?
It's actually possible
to get boredCopy !req
595. with watching Hammond
fall off a motorcycle.Copy !req
596. Bollocks!Copy !req
597. So let's just add up the
amount of times I've fallen
off my Datsun Hardbody.Copy !req
598. Yep. None.Copy !req
599. Because it's got four wheels.Copy !req
600. Meanwhile, the drier
roads meant my Mercedes
was working well too.Copy !req
601. Temperature stays spot-on.Copy !req
602. Oil pressure goes up and down
a bit, but there is some.Copy !req
603. Clock is still right.
25 past one.Copy !req
604. This car is running
as sweet as a nut.Copy !req
605. Electrical fire.Copy !req
606. Something's badly on fire
on the right-hand side of
this car.Copy !req
607. I can't
understand how in a carCopy !req
608. made almost
entirely from water,
he's on fire.Copy !req
609. That's the weird
thing. Water with electrics
causes fires.Copy !req
610. That's why we have a different
type of fire extinguisher for
electrical fires.Copy !req
611. He's even managing to make
a car fire boring.Copy !req
612. It's electric.
I can smell it.Copy !req
613. Keen to do my bit
for health and safety,Copy !req
614. I asked one of our camera
team to modify James's fish
tankCopy !req
615. so that if another fire
broke out,Copy !req
616. there'd be plenty of water
available to put it out.Copy !req
617. - Please don't move out.
- Oh, here we go.Copy !req
618. No. Held it.Copy !req
619. Several miles back,
my life was as miserable as
ever.Copy !req
620. Oh, God. It's the waiting
that kills you.Copy !req
621. I'm just waiting for it
to let go.Copy !req
622. This is like being told
you're gonna get the electric
chair.Copy !req
623. "We'll put you in it
and just leave you in it.Copy !req
624. Sometime,
probably in the next hour,Copy !req
625. or the next week,
we'll flick the switch."Copy !req
626. Oh! Bollocks!Copy !req
627. Sod 'em!Copy !req
628. Fire taken care of,
I was now back on the move.Copy !req
629. All right, fellas?Copy !req
630. I'm sort of assuming
the fish are boys.Copy !req
631. But some of them must be
girls. Do you get girl and
boy fishies? You must do.Copy !req
632. He needs to watch where
he's going, that boy.Copy !req
633. Meanwhile,
up ahead in the Hardbody...Copy !req
634. I'd run into
a spot of bother.Copy !req
635. - What's up?
- Ice machine's broken.Copy !req
636. How does sawing your bonnet
up mend your ice machine?Copy !req
637. I've had a brilliant idea and
I'm glad you're here, actually,
cos you can give me a hand.Copy !req
638. No, seriously, James.
Most of our fish are in...Copy !req
639. The good fish are in here.Copy !req
640. 90% of our fish are in the
back of my pick-up truckCopy !req
641. and he's just driven off.Copy !req
642. There's Hammond.Copy !req
643. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
644. - Behold, my gen—
- Yeah, fascinating.Copy !req
645. Well, there we are.
He's just done 100 yards
without falling off.Copy !req
646. Eventually, my new fish
preservation solutionCopy !req
647. was up and running.Copy !req
648. What I've done is I've rerouted
the exhaust through the bonnet,
over the cabbieCopy !req
649. into the load area
where the fish are,Copy !req
650. which is now covered with
a tonneau cover.Copy !req
651. Then I've adjusted the
fuelling on the engine,Copy !req
652. so now it's producing thick,
lumpy black smokeCopy !req
653. which of course is smoking
the fish.Copy !req
654. And that's good for
the environment.Copy !req
655. Because normally
you'd have to have
a smokery, a factory,Copy !req
656. and then you have to
transport the fish to
wherever it is they're going.Copy !req
657. But what I'm doing here
is I'm making kippers
as I drive along.Copy !req
658. Coal-rolled kippers.Copy !req
659. You'd buy those.
I know I would.Copy !req
660. Further ahead, Bono and
Angelina were discussing
the distance left to cover.Copy !req
661. By my very rough reckoning,Copy !req
662. because my speedo and
my mileometer aren't working,Copy !req
663. I think we've got about
somewhere between 70 and
80 kilometres to go to Bingo.Copy !req
664. Why do they have to live
so bloody far away?Copy !req
665. Any fish left?Copy !req
666. Yes. I have two.Copy !req
667. But I think it's better to
arrive with two fishCopy !req
668. than not to arrive with ten.Copy !req
669. That's a parable.Copy !req
670. Yes, it sounds
positively Biblical, I think.Copy !req
671. I don't like
the look of this.Copy !req
672. Oh, bollocks!Copy !req
673. Geez, that's a big one.Copy !req
674. What is this stuff?Copy !req
675. Ooh, hello!Copy !req
676. My colleagues.Copy !req
677. - Is that you, Clarkson?
- Sure is.Copy !req
678. Move your bloody car, May!Copy !req
679. What a muppet. He's got
a four-wheel-drive
pick-up truck!Copy !req
680. What are those bits of
scaffolding coming out of
your bonnet for?Copy !req
681. I'm making kippers,
or I would be if you hadn't
have blocked the way.Copy !req
682. Did he say "making kippers"?Copy !req
683. They look like
the handrails out of
a disabled showerCopy !req
684. from back here.
What are they?Copy !req
685. - They're exhaust pipes.
- What?Copy !req
686. Ice machine broke. I'm now
turning them into smoked
fish.Copy !req
687. This is a kipper factory.Copy !req
688. Hang on. You're smoking them
in diesel smoke?Copy !req
689. - Yes.
- Eh?Copy !req
690. - It's just smoke.
- Why do you think that's
never been done before?Copy !req
691. - Nobody's thought of it.
- No. Because it's vile!Copy !req
692. Well, you eat wood smoke.
That's disgusting. A bonfire!Copy !req
693. Do you think oak-smoked fish
is the same as diesel-smoked
fish?Copy !req
694. It's coal-rolled kippers!Copy !req
695. - It's under there smoking?
- No.
I've turned the engine off.Copy !req
696. This interesting
discussion was not helping
the people of Bingo.Copy !req
697. So we knuckled down to the
business of getting through
the mud.Copy !req
698. I'm gonna go behind
the trees, cos I'm narrow,
so I can.Copy !req
699. Oh! That's a thorn tree! No!Copy !req
700. Oh, Christ!Copy !req
701. Get off!Copy !req
702. Meanwhile, May made me
give him a tow.Copy !req
703. Right, James May,
are you ready?Copy !req
704. Go!Copy !req
705. Yes!Copy !req
706. Come on, keep going,
keep going.Copy !req
707. Hang on, I'm stuck here.
I've bottomed out.Copy !req
708. And that's pretty much all I
did for the rest of the day.Copy !req
709. So close!Copy !req
710. Here we go again
to tow him out.Copy !req
711. Listen to that CV joint.Copy !req
712. Damn him and his stupid
aquarium which weighs
1800 tons!Copy !req
713. That's the most stuck
it's ever been.Copy !req
714. Oh, for Christ's sake!Copy !req
715. Luckily Ewan McHammond
was always on hand to provide
some comic relief.Copy !req
716. A-ha! I can go up the middle!
You see!Copy !req
717. You do realise it's entirely
possible that we won't end upCopy !req
718. in Bingo even today?Copy !req
719. Ah...Copy !req
720. Half past three.Copy !req
721. And we have done
since we set off at
seven o'clock this morning...Copy !req
722. 52 miles.Copy !req
723. That meant there was another
50 miles to go.Copy !req
724. Fortunately, however,
there was no more mud.Copy !req
725. Unfortunately, it was
replaced by this.Copy !req
726. The wettest road
I'd ever seen.Copy !req
727. Oh, my word,
this is a deep one.Copy !req
728. Discs locked, low range.Copy !req
729. Oh, wow!Copy !req
730. There's water!
A lot of water has come in!Copy !req
731. I am up to my anus now
in water.Copy !req
732. As Jeremy waded
through the lake,Copy !req
733. I found a narrow path
round the edge.Copy !req
734. Aha-ha!Copy !req
735. Look what
clever Hammond's done.Copy !req
736. What an incredible machine
this is.Copy !req
737. Look at this, Hammond.Copy !req
738. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
739. - You've got
all water in it, mate.
- Yes, exactly.Copy !req
740. It's come up above
the level of my doors.Copy !req
741. Have you checked for fish?Copy !req
742. Look, don't be stupid.Copy !req
743. Given what we're doing...Copy !req
744. With two of us safely across,Copy !req
745. all eyes were now on the
hopeless Macquarium.Copy !req
746. James, it is extremely deep.Copy !req
747. Yeah, that's OK. I'll
do just a gentle bow waveCopy !req
748. like they do
at off-road school.Copy !req
749. Here he comes.Copy !req
750. There you go.Copy !req
751. Oh, shit!Copy !req
752. Shit.Copy !req
753. Help!Copy !req
754. All your fish
are gonna escape!Copy !req
755. - Oh, bollocks.
Don't let the fresh
water get in your salt water.Copy !req
756. I don't give a toss about
that. Come and get me!Copy !req
757. I have rescued you
one million timesCopy !req
758. and I'm not towing
that damn thing any more.Copy !req
759. You are breaking the CV
joints in my Hardbody.Copy !req
760. Having finally got fed up
with him,Copy !req
761. Hammond and I decided
to get radical.Copy !req
762. So that night,
as James slept...Copy !req
763. we modified his car
slightly.Copy !req
764. This made James
very unpleased.Copy !req
765. You bastards!Copy !req
766. I hate you! Both of you!Copy !req
767. You utter bastards!Copy !req
768. Listen. I am prepared to tow
your bootful of water.
That's important.Copy !req
769. I'm not gonna
tow a dead engineCopy !req
770. that's full of water, as well.
That's just a waste of fuel.Copy !req
771. Rubbish. It wasn't dead.
I could have mended that
once we'd dragged it out.Copy !req
772. It's just the ignition.
I've done it five times
already!Copy !req
773. You complete moron!Copy !req
774. I hope you get bilharzia
of the ball sack!Copy !req
775. Right, that's it.
He's asked for it.Copy !req
776. Funny. Very funny.Copy !req
777. Bloody mad.Copy !req
778. I think you're following him
too closely.Copy !req
779. Why don't you sod off?Copy !req
780. Has it affected
the handling?Copy !req
781. What was that?Copy !req
782. Fearful that James was about
to catch cancer from my
coal-rolling...Copy !req
783. I invited him to enter
my Hardbody.Copy !req
784. And was he grateful?
No.Copy !req
785. The ride in this thing
is appalling.Copy !req
786. Why is it so bad?Copy !req
787. If an ambulance came
to rescue you,Copy !req
788. would you complain about
the quality of the ambulance?Copy !req
789. No.Copy !req
790. So why are you complaining
about everything I've done
for you?Copy !req
791. Because you're rescuing me
from effective injury
that you inflicted.Copy !req
792. I'd still complain about
the man who mugged meCopy !req
793. if he then said,
"I'll help you out, mate."
I'd still complain.Copy !req
794. Let's be brutally
honest, shall we?Copy !req
795. Your car's been a terrible
nuisance all the way along.Copy !req
796. Not to me.Copy !req
797. It has to me cos I've had
to wait for it for days.Copy !req
798. You're so noble, I won't
forget to mention you
in my speech.Copy !req
799. You're not getting
a Nobel Prize.Copy !req
800. - Why not?
- Because you're ending with
three-quarters of a car.Copy !req
801. You don't get the prize
for how much car you bring.Copy !req
802. You get the prize
for bringing the fish.Copy !req
803. Don't forget,
you're towing my fish,Copy !req
804. ie, the fish
that are still edible.Copy !req
805. - Mine are edible.
- No, they're not.Copy !req
806. - They are!
- I can assure you
they're not.Copy !req
807. It was a shame about
James's bad moodCopy !req
808. because we were
on the verge of success.Copy !req
809. Come on!Copy !req
810. Sure, our plan to feed
the world had been beset
on all sidesCopy !req
811. by much discomfort...Copy !req
812. Urgh! Bollocks!Copy !req
813. and many setbacks.Copy !req
814. We've got eight, plus one
that got out in the boat.Copy !req
815. I am up to my anus now
in water.Copy !req
816. Oh, God!Copy !req
817. There'd been
some terrible smells too.Copy !req
818. Oh! Argh!Copy !req
819. And several accidents.Copy !req
820. Some of which
were quite funny.Copy !req
821. Bollocks!Copy !req
822. But despite everything, we
were now just a few miles
from Bingo.Copy !req
823. I think, if we're going to
be sensible,Copy !req
824. what we should have done
is had a pick-up truckCopy !req
825. with an aquarium in the back.Copy !req
826. You sort of have now.Copy !req
827. That motorcycle
has been remarkable.Copy !req
828. 800 quid from a supermarket.Copy !req
829. I know Hammond's been
obsessing about howCopy !req
830. he doesn't look
like Ewan McGregor
in "The Long Way Down,"Copy !req
831. but to me he does, cos it's
a motorcycle and they're all
exactly the same in my mind.Copy !req
832. We could make a film of all
of his crashes and call it
Wrong Way Up.Copy !req
833. I'm going to tell you
one thing.Copy !req
834. You know normally people
from TV or film or whateverCopy !req
835. come out to Africa
to do charitable work?Copy !req
836. They're photographed by
Hello! magazineCopy !req
837. and then it's back to the
hotel, Châteauneuf-du-Pape,Copy !req
838. - fly home to get the OBE.
- Right.Copy !req
839. They don't actually do
what we've done, do they?Copy !req
840. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
841. I've never seen Victoria
Beckham trying to pull
half a MercedesCopy !req
842. across Mozambique.Copy !req
843. Bingo!Copy !req
844. There it is!
Our quest is at an end!Copy !req
845. Sir Jeremy and the Nobel
Award-winning James May,Copy !req
846. and Richard Hammond,
are arriving!Copy !req
847. Hello. Have we got good news
for you guys!Copy !req
848. Aware that our fish
may cause a stampede,Copy !req
849. we found a spot with enough
space to accommodate
the crowds.Copy !req
850. Are you ready?Copy !req
851. This will get them running
over here, you watch.Copy !req
852. Oh, look at that!Copy !req
853. Hundreds and hundreds of
delicious fishes.Copy !req
854. Diesel-infused kippers.Copy !req
855. James, however, was not
so happy about the condition
of his fish.Copy !req
856. And for some reason,
he blamed me.Copy !req
857. All that messing around
and dragging around,
you killed them.Copy !req
858. Those were all alive
this morning!Copy !req
859. All of them are dead!Copy !req
860. How do you know
all are?Copy !req
861. Cos they're floating.
That's what fish do.Copy !req
862. I've kept those alive for
three days, you muppet.Copy !req
863. How have I killed them?Copy !req
864. You did this.
You dragged it along,Copy !req
865. bouncing it around too much,
and not thinking about the fish.Copy !req
866. You finished them off!Copy !req
867. This, though, was no time
to get bogged down with
who'd killed James's fish,Copy !req
868. because it was him.Copy !req
869. So, we got on with the job
of setting up our stalls.Copy !req
870. - Is that straight?
- No.Copy !req
871. And eventually we were ready
for the crowds
to descend.Copy !req
872. Customer. Customer.Copy !req
873. Nobody's interested.Copy !req
874. So, we moved on to the next
phase of our plan.Copy !req
875. Is the man from Hello!
magazine getting these shots?Copy !req
876. - He's there.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
877. Look concerned. Let's see
your concerned face.Copy !req
878. Can you make sure you get
plenty of local people
in the backgroundCopy !req
879. so it's obvious
I'm in Africa?Copy !req
880. Thank you.Copy !req
881. And then with not a single
fish given away,
but the pictures taken,Copy !req
882. there was only one thing
left to do.Copy !req
883. Chaps,
let's get the helicopter.Copy !req