The Grand Tour 2x1

1. - (CHEERING) - Thank you.

2. Thank you, everybody.

3. - (WHISTLING) - Thank you.

4. - (RENEWED CHEERING) - Thank you.

5. - We're back! - (CHEERING)

6. We are back!

7. Thank you very much, everyone, and welcome.

8. Welcome to our permanent new home

9. here in the green heart of England-land.

10. - (CHEERING) - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

11. Can I just say, it's not so much green as inconvenient.

12. Why is it inconvenient?

13. Well, Jeremy, tell the ladies and gentlemen

14. why you decided to put our tent precisely here.

15. Ah, it is exactly here because this spot

16. is exactly half way between May's house and Hammond's house.

17. So there is no squabbling

18. over who had the longest commute.

19. Yes, but your house is just over there.

20. - (LAUGHTER) - I can see it, just there.

21. I haven't got a house. You may remember you blew it up.

22. Oh, all right, your backup house.

23. Yeah, your spare house is just there.

24. Yeah, your spare house is just there. Let's not get bogged down with whose house is the nearest.

25. Let's not get bogged down with whose house is the nearest.

26. It's yours. Definitely yours.

27. - Is that your cat? - (LAUGHTER)

28. - Is that your cat? - (LAUGHTER) The point is...

29. The point is...

30. The point is... Oh, hang on, Jezza, you've got a parcel.

31. Oh, hang on, Jezza, you've got a parcel.

32. No, I can tell there's a man putting one of those

33. "I can't be arsed to ring the doorbell" cards through the letterbox.

34. The tent is located here, yes.

35. But this is still very much The Grand Tour.

36. The globe is still our playground,

37. as you will see from this short clip

38. of what's coming up over the next 11 weeks.

39. ♪ THE WHO: Won't Get Fooled Again

40. OK, it's time now and...

41. nobody's ever said this on a car show before,

42. to save the world.

43. Morning, shoppers.

44. ♪ We'll be fighting in the streets ♪

45. - ♪ With our children at our feet ♪ - Oh, my giddy aunt!

46. ♪ And the morals that they worship will be gone ♪

47. Holy shit.

48. ♪ I'll tip my hat to the new constitution ♪

49. - Here they come! - ♪ Take a bow for the new revolution ♪

50. - ♪ Pick up my guitar and play ♪ - Oh, here we go again!

51. - ♪ Just like yesterday ♪ - (LAUGHING)

52. ♪ Then I'll get on my knees and pray ♪

53. Way. Get out of the way. I'm in a race.

54. ♪ We don't get fooled again ♪

55. ♪ Don't get fooled again ♪

56. Extending fuel nozzle.

57. We are pumping gas!

58. We are pumping gas! (EXPLOSION)

59. Have we got to drive up there?

60. Fire service is now available in your area.

61. (RICHARD LAUGHS) Charge!

62. I'm better than him.

63. - Bollocks! - (THEY LAUGH)

64. - (EXPLOSION) - You're gonna have to work a bit harder, Jaguar!

65. We've been busy. We have been very busy.

66. Anyway, that... that is all to come.

67. This, however, is now.

68. And we have an important job to do.

69. An important question to answer.

70. Which is better? The past, the present, or the future?

71. By which I mean, which is better -

72. petrol power, hybrid power, or electrical power?

73. Now, to do this, we are going to use the Lamborghini Aventador S,

74. which has a petrol engine and is therefore from the pages of ancient history.

75. And that will be driven by our resident Neanderthal.

76. Representing the present day, we have the Honda NSX,

77. which is a modern hybrid.

78. And that, obviously, will be driven by somebody crisp and contemporary.

79. - Me. - Yeah!

80. - (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.

81. And I shall be driving something from the future.

82. An all-electric supercar from Croatia.

83. We know how that ends. - Yeah.

84. - (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.

85. And... And...

86. And while we're on...

87. And while... while we are on the subject of me,

88. I decided to take charge of where we would do this test.

89. I'm tired of these two picking places that I don't like or understand.

90. Which is why this week The Grand Tour

91. is off to Switzerland.

92. Well, here it is. The Rimac Concept One.

93. The world's first electric supercar.

94. And listen to that. The hills are alive with the sound of, well, nothing.

95. It's amazing.

96. At least it was until they turned up.

97. - Listen to that. - (ENGINES ROARING)

98. Look, everything was better in the past.

99. Look, everything was better in the past. Christopher Wren was a better architect

100. Christopher Wren was a better architect

101. than those numpties you see on Grand Designs.

102. Bob Seger could belt out a better tune than Justin Bieber.

103. And this Lamborghini is better than Hammond's lady shaver.

104. It just is - in every way.

105. No, the present is best.

106. Everything in the world now is better than it was a minute ago.

107. Everything in the world now is better than it's going to be in another minute,

108. because we don't know what that is yet.

109. It might be the nuclear holocaust.

110. Human kind can only live in the present,

111. and that's why you need a Honda NSX. OK?

112. The NSX is by far the cleverest of the three cars here.

113. Because of its dual powertrain.

114. It has the dependability,

115. the availability, of fossil fuels.

116. And the magic and helpfulness, if you like, of electricity.

117. It's a hybrid and it really is rather brilliant.

118. They probably think this is

119. some sort of Eastern European electric milk float in a supercar suit.

120. Well, they're wrong. Very wrong.

121. I have four massive electric motors here.

122. One for each wheel.

123. So I'm in a 1,241 brake horsepower,

124. all-electric supercar.

125. The speed in this is other-worldly,

126. because it's achieved so silently.

127. It's funny, isn't it? I'm shouting but I don't need to.

128. I could talk quietly.

129. I could talk quietly. Even when I'm accelerating hard.

130. Even when I'm accelerating hard.

131. I know the Rimac is very pretty.

132. I can see that.

133. And I know it's very fast.

134. But I also know... it can't do this.

135. Oh, my God!

136. That is a six-and-a-half-litre V12.

137. Turning petrol into noise. (CACKLES)

138. Come on, Hammond, admit it.

139. That is one hell of a noise.

140. It is cannon fire.

141. Fire! Bang-bang- bang-bang-bang.

142. It is like watching the battle of Waterloo from a spaceship.

143. It is like watching the battle of Waterloo from a spaceship. (CHUCKLES)

144. I know it looks like the three of us are just

145. clowning around in some supercars

146. on a lovely, lovely day, on a beautiful bit of road,

147. but this is important work.

148. (CHUCKLES) It is.

149. It is.

150. And to prove it's important work,

151. we decided to pull over

152. and start acting like important car journalists.

153. You may mock the idea of a Croatian supercar,

154. but Rimac is already working with Koenigsegg and Aston Martin on their battery tech.

155. It's a serious company.

156. So serious that they make nearly every bit of this car themselves.

157. Satnav, switch gear, headlamps - all in-house.

158. Mm, apart from the leather, if you go for that, which is Bulgarian.

159. - I love Bulgarian leather. - It's my favourite.

160. But, anyway, the reason I like the Aventador most

161. is because it defines the supercar.

162. is because it defines the supercar. It wasn't designed to do a billion round Brands Hatch.

163. It wasn't designed to do a billion round Brands Hatch.

164. It wasn't designed to do a billion round Brands Hatch. It was designed to do 9 on Knightsbridge.

165. It was designed to do 9 on Knightsbridge.

166. It was designed to make people go "Wow", and it does.

167. If you wanna go fast, buy a Ferrari.

168. - Or a Rimac. - No, that's for shaving your legs if you're a lady.

169. I love the Lamborghini as well. The styling especially, it's fantastic.

170. But you know that the sort of time and thought that

171. Lamborghini put into that, Honda put into things that

172. they thought were important, like making a new type of

173. steel section for that pillar so it can be smaller, so you can see out better.

174. Ten radiators to cool the drivetrain

175. and lots of other stuff that make modern technology simple to use.

176. I just don't like it.

177. Well, how is that relevant? I'm talking about it and I like it.

178. - So you're wrong. - I wanted to like it, but I don't.

179. - You're redundant. - I didn't... I really wanted to like it.

180. I've been ten years looking forward to it. I wanted to like it.

181. I got in it, I didn't like it.

182. - But it doesn't matter because I do. - You are wrong.

183. - I'm not wrong. - You are.

184. Eventually, we stopped arguing and set off...

185. so we could do more arguing on the move.

186. So, James, Honda's hybrid technology

187. has served them very well in Formula One the last couple of years, hasn't it?

188. Has it? I wouldn't know and I don't care.

189. Formula One is irrelevant.

190. And then there are actual details that are wrong with that car.

191. Yes, go on.

192. Well, the gearbox is dim-witted, the steering's odd,

193. the sun visor's too flimsy, the satnav's from a Civic,

194. the sun visor's too flimsy, the satnav's from a Civic, and the fuel gauge isn't straight.

195. and the fuel gauge isn't straight.

196. What do you mean, the fuel gauge isn't straight?

197. You look at the actual needle.

198. It's not in the centre of the dial.

199. - Yes, it is. - It isn't.

200. The actual centre point of the needle

201. is higher up than the middle of the dial.

202. No, it isn't. The problem is, when you're driving,

203. your head, which is too big, is in the wrong place.

204. Isn't. It's on top of my shoulders. - Oh, God.

205. If you got a measuring tape out -

206. and I'm sure you will, cos you're that sort of man.

207. I don't need to get a tape measure out.

208. I have a very good eye for these things and I can tell you it is.

209. Welcome to Radio Old.

210. I think the problem is the needle boss is slightly proud of the centre of the dial -

211. because your head's in the wrong place.

212. Coming up next, we moan about the price of things

213. and how young policemen are these days.

214. and how young policemen are these days. Nyeh.

215. Nyeh.

216. There's nothing wrong with the fuel gauge. What a ridiculous thing to say!

217. There's nothing wrong with the fuel gauge. What a ridiculous thing to say! It's so good to be back doing what we do.

218. It's so good to be back doing what we do.

219. Driving round corners a bit too quickly

220. while shouting and bickering.

221. Sadly, however, things took a turn for the worse

222. when we arrived at the hotel

223. that Hammond had booked.

224. Here we go. This is our home.

225. This is gonna be great.

226. What?

227. Hammond.

228. What is a "wellness retreat"?

229. One of these.

230. More specifically, hang on, it said Swiss natural detox. What is that?

231. - It's handy for where we need to be. - Can we get a drink here?

232. No.

233. - Are you serious? - Yes.

234. Do you realise that could result in your death?

235. - "Could"? - Yes.

236. Sorry, will.

237. - What are you thinking of? - Why?

238. It's convenient. It's near many things I want to be near.

239. - It's the only hotel? - Do they do colonic here? - Yes.

240. Would you like to know what colonic feels like?

241. - The new electric version. - Do they really do colonic here?

242. - You might feel better for it. - I won't feel better for it!

243. You'll thank me for it in a bit.

244. Would you like a glass of water, James, and some kale?

245. Oh, yes, that's what I always have for supper.

246. Over dinner that night, the mood was dark.

247. I know people who eat this stuff.

248. Do you know what they're called?

249. Women.

250. Think how healthy you'll feel when we get back.

251. - How long are we here for? - Four days.

252. Four days?

253. I've got a lot of things planned.

254. - Yeah, but we're gonna starve to death, Hammond. - No, you won't.

255. - Yeah, but we're gonna starve to death, Hammond. - No, you won't. Listen, what this is... is tough love.

256. Listen, what this is... is tough love.

257. Well, not love for you two, but it's what you need.

258. It's tougher hate than usual is what I'm giving you.

259. I'm taking you in hand and for both of your sakes,

260. turning it around, turning over a new leaf.

261. I actually think James is looking better already.

262. - He's got a healthy glow. - He isn't looking better. He's looking angrier.

263. You're gonna look a lot worse in a minute, I can guarantee that.

264. Look at the view. Look at that. Look at that.

265. You can't eat that!

266. Ungrateful sod!

267. OK, we will pick that up later on.

268. Yes. And now it's time for us

269. to take a stroll down the smooth sidewalks of Conversation Street.

270. - (CHEERING) - That was good.

271. Now, I'd like to begin Conversation Street

272. with the world's most incompetent TV host, James May,

273. with the world's most incompetent TV host, James May, who filmed the entire series...

274. who filmed the entire series...

275. and as you saw in that sting, the sting itself,

276. and in the montage, and in Switzerland, looking...

277. Well, with long hair, looking like a roadie for Steppenwolf.

278. And then he turned up this morning

279. looking like a geography teacher.

280. James, have you ever heard of the concept of continuity?

281. He had to do it, had to make a change,

282. because he had his identity stolen.

283. I did, actually. That is absolutely true.

284. I did have my identity stolen.

285. Somebody got hold of, you know, personal details,

286. address and date of birth, and they've opened, you know,

287. eight bank accounts with overdrafts and loans

288. and all that stuff that I'd be liable for.

289. What fascinates me about this is they had a choice.

290. They could've been David Beckham or Brad Pitt.

291. Yeah, you can look around the world. Anybody.

292. I wanna be Barack Obama. Cool, powerful.

293. No, wait a minute.

294. I want to live in Hammersmith and have a folding bicycle

295. so that one day, I can walk out of my house

296. and say, "Look at me. Behold, I have become James May."

297. "And now I will organise your paperclips. Have you got a pie?"

298. The good thing is, James...

299. The good thing is, James... is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again.

300. is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again.

301. - Can you? - Yes.

302. Because we have come up with a new name for you.

303. Yeah. You are now...

304. Dingleberry Handpump.

305. - (LAUGHTER) - Right.

306. That is your name, your new identity.

307. Nobody's gonna steal that cos nobody's gonna go into a mobile phone shop and say,

308. "I'd like to set up an account. My name is Dingleberry Handpump."

309. - Yes. - You're completely safe.

310. It's just that that's now your name.

311. - I appreciate that. - That's OK.

312. We're moving on with an apology.

313. We're moving on with an apology. And it's for the lateness of the arrival of this series.

314. And it's for the lateness of the arrival of this series.

315. The problem is that since we were last here,

316. all three of us, for one reason or another, have been in hospital.

317. Uh, Handpump was in for...

318. I don't know why he was in. But he was.

319. Hammond, well, we'll see why later. And then I had pneumonia.

320. - Um, this pneumonia of yours. - Yes.

321. It's something that people catch from... going out without your vest on.

322. - That's what I was told. - Yes, my mum used to say,

323. you'd get it if you went out with wet hair.

324. Yeah, that sort of thing. And yet, you somehow managed to catch pneumonia...

325. on the sun-kissed Mediterranean isle of Majorca.

326. - Yes, I did. I did. - (LAUGHTER)

327. It's very odd, because he was out there for five weeks.

328. He rang us after one, and he said,

329. "I can't come home. I've literally got pneumonia."

330. "I can't come home. I've literally got pneumonia." - I had. - And I looked it up.

331. - I had. - And I looked it up.

332. It was 100 degrees and bone dry.

333. - And yet you got pneumonia. - I did catch pneumonia.

334. After a short while, if I remember right,

335. - you managed to get yourself to Ibiza. - Yes, I did.

336. I don't remember a news headline in the papers that said,

337. I don't remember a news headline in the papers that said, "Jeremy Clarkson rushed to Ibiza with pneumonia."

338. "Jeremy Clarkson rushed to Ibiza with pneumonia."

339. No, I know I wasn't rushed. I went on a friend's boat.

340. "Sadly, Jeremy Clarkson has been admitted to a luxury yacht..."

341. - This pneumonia of yours that you suffered from. - Yes? Yes.

342. Was it at its worst in the morning when you woke up?

343. And then did it get better through the day, every day,

344. towards the evening, every day?

345. It was pneumonia, for crying out loud!

346. You're mocking the afflicted.

347. OK, Handpump, why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen why you were in hospital?

348. No, I don't like to make a fuss. Let's talk about cars.

349. It's nothing to do with my anus.

350. Let's just clear that up in case...

351. - Um... - I've got some conversation.

352. - What? - Nissan has introduced

353. - What? - Nissan has introduced some special seats that record your sweat.

354. some special seats that record your sweat.

355. - What? - I've got a picture of them.

356. Right, they start blue.

357. And then they go yellow where you've been sweating.

358. Why would you want seats that do that?

359. - That's a very, very good question - It's the only question.

360. Yes. I looked into it. Apparently, they say it's because

361. you can tell when you're dehydrated,

362. because you've been sweating.

363. I know when I'm dehydrated.

364. It's because I feel thirsty and I need a glass of wine.

365. - Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)

366. - Well, be careful with that, you'll get pneumonia again. - That's how it starts.

367. That's how it starts. I know what you mean.

368. Just don't applaud him.

369. Handpump.

370. That is the world's first...

371. Nissan have come up with the world's first pneumonia-sensing car seats.

372. That's absolutely incredible.

373. I know what you mean. Our bodies are equipped with

374. means of telling us that we are dehydrated without looking at the seat.

375. - Exactly. Exactly. - Like if you start going for a pee

376. and just sand comes out, it's time for some water.

377. If you're one of those sort of slightly fat jogger type people,

378. won't you end up with like a yellow line

379. where your butt crack was?

380. Oh, how lovely! How very lovely.

381. Do you know the worst one I ever had with that?

382. I was filming in the States, in Texas, town called Lubbock.

383. And I borrowed a pickup truck from this quite large gentleman.

384. Um, who'd lent it. We needed it for filming.

385. Drove it around all day, took it back to him in the evening.

386. He bent over to pick something up,

387. and as he did that, he'd got his shirt not tucked in.

388. As he bent over, I could see he'd done his jeans up under his arse.

389. - What? - Well, 'cause he wasn't a well off man.

390. He'd obviously bought a pair of jeans when he was 14

391. and didn't fit them any more, so he just simply...

392. And I could see he hadn't wiped his bottom.

393. Oh, God! Jeremy!

394. Who steers your eyes? Why did you look there?

395. - Because... - Look away! Look away!

396. It was a gigantic arse with a brown...

397. - I don't want to see a man's claggy bottom. - I didn't either.

398. I especially didn't. I'd spent all day

399. squirming around in the seats of his pickup truck.

400. And I was wearing... I was wearing beige trousers.

401. - (LAUGHTER) - That's all right.

402. You could explain it to people. It's not mine. It's somebody else's.

403. Exactly. I've got somebody else's skid marks on my trousers.

404. It doesn't wash.

405. Now, as we know, a lot of...

406. particularly sporty cars these days

407. have got exhaust systems that sort of make a racket

408. when you put your foot down or when you start them up.

409. I had an Audi RS3 the other day.

410. As you fired it up... (ROARS)

411. - We're only going to the shops for some milk. - Makes a big fuss.

412. Makes a huge song and dance about it.

413. Actually, some Jags do this, don't they?

414. - All the sporty ones do. - Yeah, they do.

415. They make a tremendous racket but you don't hear it inside the Jag.

416. You can only hear it... Basically, your neighbours are annoyed by it but not you.

417. Yes, and this is exactly what I'm on about.

418. Because Ford has announced on the new Mustang,

419. it's got something called "Good Neighbour Mode".

420. Ooh, does it come around and water your plants when you're on holiday?

421. - Tell you you forgot to take the cat in? - No.

422. - Bring your post in? - No. It doesn't do any of those things.

423. But you can program the car to start quietly

424. between certain hours of the day.

425. So between, say, 11pm and 8am it starts quietly.

426. Ok? Because Ford's head of noises—

427. The what?

428. No, he's American. It'll be the Vice President of noises, cos they always are.

429. He's come up with a list of other annoying sounds.

430. Oh, where are you on it? Come on, top, got to be.

431. Gotta be. Right at the top. Number one.

432. That's actually a good point.

433. What are the most annoying noises in the world?

434. Oh, good conversation, I like that.

435. - What are they? - Aircraft.

436. - What? - Cat fighting.

437. - Cat fighting. - I like that.

438. - Donald Trump. - (LAUGHTER)

439. - Foxes shagging. - What?

440. - What? - (LAUGHTER)

441. Whoa!

442. So, who was shagging?

443. - Foxes shagging. - Foxes—

444. No, he's right. That is annoying.

445. - Foxes make a lot of noise. - Do you know why?

446. This is broadcast in America.

447. They don't know... (QUIETLY) ... what shagging is.

448. We know what shagging is.

449. - Making love. - Getting it on.

450. Making little foxes, for our American viewers.

451. I have to be honest. Mine is an old-fashioned one.

452. - Polystyrene. Anyone share that one? - Yeah.

453. Polystyrene doesn't make a noise.

454. It does, it squeaks.

455. My children bought me one of those record players,

456. to digitise vinyl. You know the one I mean.

457. To transfer your records into digital files.

458. I can't get it out of the box cos it's covered in polystyrene.

459. It's just sitting there.

460. - So your kids bought you this? - Yes.

461. - And you haven't taken it out of the box. - No.

462. You ungrateful bastard.

463. - (LAUGHTER) - Did you hear that? It was like stereo.

464. I mean, that's your dad.

465. He wouldn't even take it out of the box.

466. He wouldn't even take it out of the box. Your secret's out of the box now, unlike your present that they bought you.

467. Your secret's out of the box now, unlike your present that they bought you.

468. That is the end of Conversation Street.

469. We must now move on.

470. In fact, we must move back to our film.

471. Tonight we are comparing the superb

472. Lamborghini Aventador S,

473. the Honda NSX - which is a hybrid and has a wonky fuel gauge—

474. No, it doesn't. It's not wonky.

475. and the Rimac, which is an all-electric Croatian supercar.

476. It's our comparison between the past, the present, and the future.

477. Yeah, the only trouble with this

478. is that we were staying at a health farm,

479. which Hammond had chosen,

480. sticking to a schedule that he'd dreamt up.

481. Our first outing was to a museum

482. in the nearby city of Lucerne.

483. But that morning, Jeremy and I

484. had other things on our minds.

485. I'm starving already. I think it's cos I only had air for breakfast.

486. I'm starving already. I think it's cos I only had air for breakfast. I had a piece of dry toast.

487. I had a piece of dry toast.

488. Stop bleating and just enjoy the view.

489. Look around you.

490. Ah.

491. Brilliant.

492. Obviously something's gone wrong here, hasn't it?

493. Where's he going?

494. W...

495. It's actually shut.

496. It's roadworks, I think.

497. We'll have to back up.

498. So they are prepared to let you sit here at a red light until you starve to death.

499. Why don't they just tell you it's shut? A bit un-Swiss.

500. Right, there is an escape road to the side. It's the old route, I think.

501. If we back up until I can see it, then we'll go down there.

502. Once we'd all backed up,

503. we turned onto Hammond's back road.

504. Which was in a gorge.

505. Yep, this is... Oh, yeah.

506. Well done, Hammond, you blithering idiot.

507. Well, Hammond, I've got to say

508. I'm glad Honda spent so much time and effort

509. working on the dynamics of this car

510. so I could enjoy this supercar extravaganza you've brought me on.

511. You have excelled yourself in ruining my day.

512. Oh, good.

513. You've brought us to a builder's yard, Hammond.

514. There are lavatories on the left

515. if anybody wishes to use them.

516. Why? Why did we allow him to bring us to Switzerland?

517. Why did we allow him to put himself in charge?

518. There we go.

519. Back on the main road.

520. Back on the main road. Unless, that is, you're me...

521. Unless, that is, you're me...

522. in a Lamborghini.

523. - Oh... Argh. - (SCRAPING)

524. - Oh... Argh. - (SCRAPING) (SCRAPING)

525. - (SCRAPING) - Ugh!

526. Hammond! Hammond!

527. Where are you? I'm going to kill you!

528. This thing is deeply impressive.

529. This thing is deeply impressive. James, I've dialled up my regenerative braking with the throttle,

530. James, I've dialled up my regenerative braking with the throttle,

531. so that I lift off the accelerator,

532. I don't even have to touch the brake to stop.

533. Wow. Can't stand his resolute chirpiness

534. in the face of obvious disaster of his making.

535. in the face of obvious disaster of his making. I, meanwhile, had extricated myself

536. I, meanwhile, had extricated myself

537. from Hammond's gorge and was now causing traffic chaos...

538. - (HORN TOOTS) - Sorry.

539. Shit.

540. by having to do a three-point turn.

541. - (HORN BLARES) - Sorry.

542. - (HORN TOOTS) - Sorry. I do apologise.

543. Having not enjoyed our supercars all morning,

544. we soon arrived in Lucerne,

545. with our irritating tour guide leading the way.

546. Hey, chaps, they're electric trams.

547. If I had a long enough aerial, could I connect to the wires and power this?

548. Why don't you just reach out and hold onto them?

549. You would conduct the electricity, wouldn't you?

550. Hammond then said that the best way of getting to the museum

551. was by driving right through the medieval heart of the city.

552. Wasn't there a ring road we could've used?

553. Oh, ring roads are boring. And further.

554. I'm really getting the best out of this car here

555. in this town that Hammond's bringing us through.

556. Hammond, this is a cobbled street.

557. I'm in a supercar on a cobbled street.

558. Well, it's a road. It's a beautiful road

559. through this ancient and wonderful city.

560. I didn't wanna look at an ancient and wonderful city.

561. I'd do that on a bicycle, you pillock.

562. Then, things got worse.

563. Uh, chaps, it's right here.

564. You sure? - Oh, this does look a bit...

565. Yeah, we'll be all right.

566. Oh, I don't like this.

567. "Come to Switzerland and drive the new NSX," said Hammond.

568. This Lamborghini's four inches wider than that Honda

569. and five inches wider than the lady shaver.

570. I am never ever ever going to get round that corner.

571. And sure enough...

572. A tiny bit of left hand and just creep forward so I can see.

573. You can't creep. It's a single clutch gearbox.

574. Instead of giving this model 40 more horsepower,

575. I'd have given it a "one more clutch".

576. No, I'd agree. Does that fold?

577. It doesn't matter. Even if it does,

578. the back of the car is wider than the front.

579. I'm going to have to find another...

580. It physically won't fit through there.

581. All right, well, we're up there. See you in a couple of weeks.

582. So, while James went off to not enjoy his NSX some more...

583. Have you got any idea what you're doing and where you're going?

584. It's down here, this pretty little alley here.

585. I spent a couple of hours

586. on the verge of a massive coronary.

587. Jesus H.

588. God, give me strength.

589. Hammond!

590. Sorry.

591. Sorry.

592. Sorry.

593. Meanwhile...

594. Or do you have a bread roll? I'm starving.

595. - I need to eat. Eat. - Ah.

596. I'm so hungry. Yes.

597. Danke. Danke, danke, danke.

598. Oh.

599. Mm-mm. What are these?

600. It's bloody Ryvita.

601. Eventually, while I was attempting

602. yet another impossible manoeuvre,

603. Hammond and May arrived.

604. Well...

605. - (CLATTERING) - Oh, no.

606. That's not good. Sorry.

607. And then after a short drive through suburbia,

608. where none of us got past 40,

609. we arrived at our destination.

610. It was a transport museum.

611. And once Hammond had plugged his lady shaver

612. into one of Switzerland's fast charging points...

613. we went inside to look at the rather underwhelming exhibits.

614. So let me just see if I've got this straight.

615. You made me - well, us -

616. drive through a gorge and the 12th century,

617. so we can look at a Renault 16?

618. No, no, this is so much more than that.

619. There's all the things on the racks here, and then there's pictures here.

620. You look for the picture of the thing that you wanna look at.

621. Then you touch it.

622. And now look what happens.

623. It's presented to you!

624. I can only apologise for this.

625. I know you want to see which of our three cars is the fastest,

626. which handles the best, which is the most economical.

627. Oh, my God, it's coming towards us.

628. Yeah.

629. What we're actually looking at instead

630. is a vending machine.

631. With some old motorcycles on.

632. - Oh, look, come on. - Oh, wow, it goes round and round.

633. That is just the best.

634. Give me strength.

635. That night, over dinner, the mood was even darker.

636. And the following day, it didn't improve

637. because Hammond made us go on exactly the same route

638. because Hammond made us go on exactly the same route as he had the day before.

639. as he had the day before.

640. We did this yesterday.

641. We did this as well yesterday.

642. And after Hammond had plugged his car into

643. the same charging point...

644. we went off to look at that day's underwhelming attraction.

645. The Museum of Chess.

646. Boom! I win!

647. He doesn't even know how to play, does he?

648. And then the penny dropped.

649. - Hammond. - What?

650. What are we doing tomorrow?

651. Going to a pencil museum.

652. Is the pencil museum in the same town as this museum?

653. Yes.

654. Do you keep bringing us to this town

655. because it's the only one within 100 miles of our wellness centre

656. where there is a fast charging point for your car?

657. Yes.

658. So that night, after another plate of weeds,

659. James and I sacked Hammond as team leader

660. and came up with our own schedule.

661. Right, we've found an airfield,

662. and now we're gonna have a drag race,

663. which is a lot more interesting than going to a museum.

664. I'd have thought he'd like museums.

665. I mean, he's driving one.

666. Track, check, traction, yes.

667. I've put it in launch,

668. which sets the rear two engines in the first of their two gears.

669. The front two engines only have one gear.

670. I do not know how that works.

671. Why doesn't the car stretch or overtake itself?

672. The simple fact of the matter is that

673. because this car has no electrical gubbins,

674. it is, despite appearances, the lightest car here.

675. And it has 730 horsepower.

676. So allow me, please, to demonstrate

677. that you can't beat old-time rock and roll.

678. Thrust mode!

679. Oh, my word!

680. God, look at Hammond!

681. 190, 200, 220, 200...

682. I can't speak fast enough!

683. James and I were now racing only to see who'd be last.

684. Yes, come on, come on, come on, come on!

685. - (GROANING) - Goodbye, Mr May.

686. Jes-us!

687. That Rimac just (BLEEP)s off.

688. Ha-ha ha-ha!

689. If that is the future, I am so ready!

690. Oh! Oh-ho!

691. I've never seen anything like that.

692. I've never seen anything move as quickly as that.

693. Not with number plates.

694. Annoyed that my dinosaur had been humiliated,

695. I decided to show Hammond

696. I decided to show Hammond that it still has enough power

697. that it still has enough power

698. to kick-start a dying star.

699. to kick-start a dying star. (TYRES SCREECHING)

700. (TYRES SCREECHING) Yes!

701. Yes!

702. This is what Lamborghinis are all about.

703. Oh, yeah.

704. Which went well.

705. - Oh, my word! - Oh!

706. Sit rep. The entire tyre has been consumed

707. - by the heart of the monster. - It has.

708. Do you know, the thing was,

709. the tyre pressure warning light came on.

710. - What could that have meant? - Well, it meant that, on this,

711. it was specifically telling me there was a problem with this tyre.

712. - So I ignored it. - Yes.

713. - Good job you're not an airline pilot. - Yes.

714. However, we'll get it fixed...

715. and then... Actually, we ought to find a track.

716. And then I'll be able to thrash you.

717. - Oh, mate, no. - No?

718. You won't find a track in Switzerland, will you, cos motor racing is banned.

719. - What do you mean banned? - Oh, it is.

720. 1955 there was an accident in France, at Le Mans.

721. The Swiss banned motorsport. It's still banned today.

722. We can think of something else. Something that requires four tyres.

723. Oh, God, I tell you what, though, it does mean another night in his hotel.

724. You're gonna drive there on a space saver.

725. No, I know something we can do.

726. What?

727. There's plenty to occupy us at the hotel.

728. - Come on. - Well, not supper.

729. I may take a while because I'll be going on a bicycle wheel.

730. I still can't believe...

731. I still can't believe that Switzerland

732. banned motor racing because of an accident in another country.

733. Yeah, it's like Britain banning railways

734. because a train crashed in India.

735. Yeah, exactly. Or it's like America invading Iraq

736. because some Saudi Arabians destroyed the World Trade Center.

737. - Whoa. - Did I say that out loud?

738. That came out. That came out as sound.

739. Well, never mind, we can edit it out.

740. Look, um, we'll pick that film up later on,

741. Look, um, we'll pick that film up later on, but in the meantime you may remember that in the last series

742. but in the meantime you may remember that in the last series

743. we had a feature called Celebrity Brain Crash.

744. Yes, but we're not doing that any more

745. because too many people died.

746. Yeah, and also because you all hated it.

747. - (LAUGHTER) - Yeah, that's the main reason.

748. Everybody wrote to us and said, "That's rubbish. Stop doing it."

749. Anyway, it doesn't matter,

750. because we've come up with another idea,

751. a brand-new idea and it is brilliant.

752. You see, the main reason why we like having the tent here—

753. Is that you can walk home every week.

754. Yes, it's just that right down the road,

755. and I mean less than a mile away, there is an actual track.

756. Yes, there is, and we've got a picture of it here. Have a look.

757. It's rather fabulous because as you can see, it's really quite narrow, all of it,

758. and then bits of it aren't finished - this stretch.

759. Yeah, that bit is entirely gravel.

760. Yes, it is, but it doesn't matter because it is a circuit.

761. And then somebody said to us, "Well, why don't you get a celebrity

762. to drive round it every week to see which is the fastest."

763. - We said no, because that would be boring. - Yeah.

764. - We said no, because that would be boring. - Yeah. So we have come up with an entirely new idea.

765. So we have come up with an entirely new idea.

766. So we have come up with an entirely new idea. You see, everybody's always wanting to know

767. You see, everybody's always wanting to know

768. who is the fastest weathergirl in the world,

769. or who is the world's fastest transgender architect.

770. - Exactly. - (LAUGHTER)

771. Let me explain what we're gonna do.

772. Each week, two celebrities from the same field

773. Each week, two celebrities from the same field will go head to head, on our track, in a Jaguar F Type.

774. will go head to head, on our track, in a Jaguar F Type.

775. OK? It's a feature we're calling Celebrity Face Off.

776. Or, for short, Celebrity F Off— No, that doesn't work.

777. Tonight we are asking the question that everybody wants answering.

778. Who is the fastest former talent show judge?

779. And it's an international competition,

780. between America's Got Talent and The Voice UK.

781. Please welcome Ricky Wilson and David Hasselhoff!

782. Thank you, man. Welcome.

783. - Big man's still got it. - Welcome.

784. - Thank you. - Equally, big guy.

785. - Have a seat. - Whoo!

786. Ah.

787. There you go. All right.

788. - Hello. - Hello and welcome.

789. - Thank you. - They've made it alive.

790. - No unconvincing deaths. - (LAUGHTER)

791. And, of course, you're not just

792. former talent show judges.

793. You both have, obviously, singing careers.

794. Albeit with rather different approaches.

795. - Um... - (DAVID CHUCKLES)

796. Let's have a look at a photograph of the Hoff.

797. - There you go, you see. - (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

798. That says it all.

799. The mullet, the dry ice, the Lamborghini.

800. - We think that's the American way. - Mm-hm.

801. Now let's have a look at the Yorkshire way.

802. - There he is. - (RICKY LAUGHS)

803. - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - The windswept...

804. We are making it Yorkshire versus the United States of America tonight.

805. - That's what we decided to do. - York-shire.

806. - Have you been to Yorkshire? - I've... I've... I've had York-shire pudding.

807. Actually, we filmed an episode of Hoff The Record,

808. which is a series, in Yorkshire,

809. and we had a blast.

810. The people were extremely nice.

811. - I couldn't understand a word they said. - (LAUGHTER)

812. No, it's a special language, but we're both from Yorkshire.

813. Yorkshire will be watching. Yorkshire versus America. Well, we've won that.

814. Oh, don't pile on the pressure.

815. Can I just ask, what did you think of our track?

816. It's incredible. I mean...

817. Hopefully, you know, when you film people...

818. Hopefully, you know, when you film people... like I've filmed friends going round tracks

819. like I've filmed friends going round tracks

820. and they go, "Oh, film me, film me!"

821. You don't wanna watch it back cos they come round the corner like brrrrrrrr.

822. But we were going sideways at points on this.

823. - What about the car? The Jag. - Loved it.

824. - I loved it, Jaguar. - (LAUGHTER)

825. There's a man who understands sponsorship.

826. Yeah, exactly.

827. I would have thought your biggest problem

828. I would have thought your biggest problem was getting in it, cos I really struggle.

829. was getting in it, cos I really struggle.

830. - I couldn't get in the car, Jeremy. - Could you not?

831. No, I had a hard time getting into KITT, but you know, this was...

832. Actually, we've got some footage.

833. Anyone wanna see footage of the Hoff trying to get into our Jag?

834. Yeah! - Let's have a quick look at that.

835. There it is. Look. Resplendent.

836. And it's got a roll cage in it.

837. - And this is the bit— - Oh, my God.

838. The bit I like here is - I've had to do this as well -

839. is when you have to lift your own leg.

840. - Argh! Argh! - (LAUGHTER)

841. I found it perfectly my size, Jaguar Land Rover.

842. - And even like the colour. - Yeah, yeah.

843. Your biggest problem, though, as I understand it, with cars,

844. is being run over by them.

845. Oh, yeah, cos I actually got run over, then tried to chase after the car.

846. - You never caught the guy? - They never caught the guy.

847. How come they can catch me doing 35 in a 30, but they can't catch...

848. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

849. It's a very good point.

850. Um, in fact, when er...

851. In fact, when the police questioned me about it,

852. "So, what was the car like?" and I said it was a Metro and it had a sunroof.

853. They said, "How do you know it had a sunroof?"Cos I went over the sunroof."

854. Good observation while you're being run over.

855. "And it's a Tudor Webasto sunroof."

856. I'm actually surprised, though,

857. you did survive your motoring youth, Hoff.

858. Yeah, my first car was um...

859. when I was just turning 16,

860. was a Corvair, which is a real small car.

861. Well, not by European standards.

862. - We call it an enormous car. - Yeah.

863. The engine was in the back and it was described as "unsafe at any speed".

864. - I just realise that now. - (LAUGHTER)

865. Your first car was a Fiat Panda.

866. - Yeah, if you want an example of a small... - Oh, my God.

867. - If you want an example of a small car... a Fiat Panda is what you...

868. It'd be like you trying to get into a cupboard under the stairs.

869. - It was called a what? - A Panda.

870. - A Panda? - Yeah.

871. They're very rare now, like Pandas.

872. - Didn't you have people steal the windscreen? - Yeah.

873. They have a peculiar thing, the Panda.

874. - It has a very flat— - Completely flat.

875. Completely flat, and you used to be able to pop it out, from the outside.

876. So, many times I'd get into it

877. and be driving down the road and go, "Something's wrong."

878. and be driving down the road and go, "Something's wrong." - (LAUGHTER) - Like that.

879. - (LAUGHTER) - Like that.

880. You wouldn't even get that fast, so you'd never know.

881. Yeah.

882. It was only when you turned the squirters on that it...

883. - And that happened a lot? - Well, it happened a few times.

884. And then I kept buying them out of this Italian guy

885. that had a garage round the corner.

886. - I think he was nicking 'em. - (LAUGHTER)

887. "That's my tax disc."

888. Now we've gotta get onto KITT.

889. We all remember Knight Rider and the Trans Am.

890. Thing is, I was looking the other day, cos it's a while...

891. - When was it actually on? - It was on from '82 to '86.

892. - When was it actually on? - It was on from '82 to '86. OK, '82 to '86. Now, it had, in your car, you had cru...

893. OK, '82 to '86. Now, it had, in your car, you had cru...

894. These were all futuristic things.

895. Cruise control, pollen filters in the air con,

896. vocal commands, automatic opening doors.

897. You get all that stuff on a Ford Fiesta now.

898. You get all that stuff on a Ford Fiesta now. - (LAUGHTER) - It's actually standard on a Ford Fiesta.

899. - (LAUGHTER) - It's actually standard on a Ford Fiesta.

900. It still really did capture the imagination.

901. There was a Yorkshireman who did an homage to KITT.

902. - Oh, no. - Yeah.

903. - Got a picture of it here. - It wasn't me.

904. No, look.

905. - A, it's a Renault. - It's not that bad. It's not bad.

906. - Formula One drivers have a— - Exactly.

907. - A stick like that. - I see nothing wrong with that.

908. But no, because...

909. You've come up with your rules of the road, which I quite like.

910. You've got one here. Old people over a certain age

911. should be legally required to place a hat on the parcel shelf.

912. Now, old people... Not so much old people in general.

913. I was gonna say be careful, because if you say 65...

914. - Yeah, that's me. - No, I'm just saying...

915. On certain journeys, I'd like to put a hat on the parcel shelf,

916. just to indicate that I'm not racing you.

917. What I really like is this business of um...

918. male and female cyclists should indicate on their Lycra bottoms

919. - what sex they are. - Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

920. - Well, I know... - (APPLAUSE)

921. I know where you're going with that.

922. We've all been... "Ooh, I say! Oh, no, he's got a beard."

923. Now, I wanna get on to your laps.

924. - Oh. - And I wanna start off, if I may,

925. - Oh. - And I wanna start off, if I may, - with you, your Hoffmeister. - Oi.

926. - with you, your Hoffmeister. - Oi.

927. Are you a fast driver?

928. You know, I um... I'm basically an actor.

929. You know, I'm not really a good driver

930. but I just look good doing it.

931. Because we have some footage of you attempting...

932. I think it was your first one and making a bit of a mess-up of what is the last corner...

933. - Right. - And then really making a mess-up of the finish.

934. Let's have a look at this.

935. Here he comes now, into the last corner, goes in deep,

936. which is crazy, loses it on the grass

937. and then there's the finish line - and stops.

938. - We've never seen that before. - No...

939. They told me the first lap didn't count.

940. - Yes. - And that's why I didn't hit the finish line.

941. - We can edit out that excuse. - Ah, come on!

942. I love the idea of a Formula One driver going...

943. Well, that's it, and that's as far as I'm going.

944. - Am I? Yes. - Anyway.

945. Let's have a look at the Hoff's lap.

946. And we are off on our brand-new track in our brand-new car.

947. Remember, Knight Rider drove himself.

948. Clipping the corner but keeping two wheels on the track, nice to see.

949. And then you go left and onto the gravel.

950. This is what we call the difficult bit.

951. It is actually quite tricky

952. as you flick it right there and then flick it left.

953. Now we're into - not the Carousel - the Gravelsel.

954. It's like a banked gravel corner.

955. Never been seen anywhere before.

956. Into the difficult bit two.

957. You're managing to keep it mostly tidy, which is quite good.

958. I'm looking forward to seeing Judi Dench go down here one day - sideways.

959. Ooh, deep again!

960. Nearly stopped, but now picking up the speed.

961. And onto the main straight.

962. And onto the main straight. This is one helluva track, this.

963. This is one helluva track, this.

964. Hit it! Yeah! (YELLS)

965. Hit it! Yeah! (YELLS) That was the sound of a man crapping himself.

966. That was the sound of a man crapping himself.

967. And I don't think you did actually lift, which is brave.

968. Now braking.

969. Are we gonna get the last corner right?

970. Yes. All neatly done and there we are.

971. Ladies and gentlemen, across the line!

972. - (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) - Well...

973. That looked like you were in control.

974. - No, I... No. - No, that was tidy.

975. The slower you look, very often the faster you're going.

976. - Yeah. - I mean, that is a true fact.

977. Yeah, if you go smooth and keep the car on balance, but it's hard to do.

978. It is. I went out and had a play on that this morning,

979. It is. I went out and had a play on that this morning, and just had... the tail out the entire way round.

980. and just had... the tail out the entire way round.

981. It's taken me 15 minutes to get round here but I had fun in the process. Anyway.

982. It's taken me 15 minutes to get round here but I had fun in the process. Anyway. - Can I use that as my excuse? - No.

983. - Can I use that as my excuse? - No.

984. We're gonna see your lap now. OK, are we ready?

985. Let's bring it up. Here he is, Ricky Wilson's lap.

986. Little bit further back than you were.

987. Nice excuse and we haven't even started.

988. Not even looking. No hands. No hands. No hands.

989. Ooh, it's deep, deep, deep. Getting it all together.

990. But it's not bad slowing down there

991. cos you can now keep the power on there,

992. cos you can now keep the power on there, keep the power on here, and onto the difficult bit.

993. keep the power on here, and onto the difficult bit.

994. No, that's good. Gonna flick the tail out a bit?

995. Yeah, that's nice. Flick it the other way.

996. I found that made you go quicker, flicking the tail out.

997. Whoo-hoo! Take that!

998. This is good, round the Gravelsel. Get that tail out.

999. There it is. We're gonna find out later

1000. whether that's faster or slower than the Hoff's approach.

1001. Cutting the corner. That's not going to be grass for very much longer.

1002. That's very good. Very good indeed.

1003. Also, when you come back to the Tarmac here,

1004. it's very, very slippery, that bit.

1005. For reasons I don't understand.

1006. Kicking dust off the tail. Looks good, that car.

1007. And now, onto the straight.

1008. Give it some. Come on, Jag.

1009. Did you lift here? - Yes.

1010. - I don't think you did. - Ah, well, maybe not.

1011. - I don't think you did there. - I was having too much of a good time.

1012. Ooh, kick the tail out at the last corner and there we are, across the line.

1013. - (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) - It looked all right. It looked all right.

1014. - I'm a little nervous now. - It looked all right.

1015. - Are you proud? - Yeah, I am quite proud.

1016. - Proud of that. - Yeah.

1017. Oh.

1018. Have I remembered to bring the times out with me?

1019. - Oh, gosh. - Yes, I have.

1020. I think it's you.

1021. I think it's you, cos you looked more in control.

1022. I was all over the shop.

1023. Yeah, but no... you were smooth.

1024. - And I stopped at the first corner. - (LAUGHTER)

1025. You did virtually stop, that is true. You did actually come to a halt.

1026. Mind you, you stopped just before the finish line.

1027. - Yeah, yeah. - (LAUGHTER)

1028. David Hasselhoff, you did it...

1029. representing the United States of America.

1030. - Oh, God. - (LAUGHTER)

1031. One minute...

1032. 24, point one.

1033. We have no idea whether that's fastest.

1034. - Yeah. It could be anything. - Literally no idea.

1035. That could be the fastest time

1036. we're ever, ever going to see round here.

1037. - Right. - Or it could be the slowest.

1038. - We have no idea. - (LAUGHTER)

1039. - Ricky Wilson. - Yeah, yeah.

1040. One minute...

1041. - ... 20... Ooh.

1042. point one.

1043. - Whoo! - (CHEERING)

1044. Whoo!

1045. Ohh!

1046. - I... Oh. - Well, there we are.

1047. Well.

1048. So, there we are. How do you feel about that?

1049. - I've spent years practising. - (LAUGHTER)

1050. - I told you I was an actor. - (LAUGHTER)

1051. David Hasselhoff... and, as it turns out,

1052. the fastest former talent judge in the world, Ricky Wilson!

1053. Thank you, gentlemen.

1054. Right, let's get back to Switzerland.

1055. When we left the action, Jeremy had torn the tyre

1056. clean off his Lamborghini,

1057. and we thought that would be it, as far as accidents are concerned.

1058. Mm-hm, we figured that because we are all

1059. experienced, professional drivers,

1060. nothing else could possibly go wrong.

1061. - (LAUGHTER) - Exactly.

1062. So we pick up the story at our wellness clinic,

1063. where we were trying to work out

1064. how to get the best out of three supercars

1065. in a country where motor racing is banned.

1066. This was not easy,

1067. given the activity that Hammond had planned for us that night.

1068. Arghh! Jesus!

1069. Well, we could always go to a museum.

1070. We need to go to a race track, Hammond.

1071. Well, look, actually, as we're in Switzerland... Clarkson?

1072. - What? - Can you do... Argh!

1073. Can you do hill climbs in Switzerland under their laws?

1074. I don't know. I've got a tube up my arse.

1075. Well, seriously, you've been here before.

1076. You're supposedly the motorsport expert, you always say.

1077. I don't know. I've got a tube up my arse.

1078. Yeah, but the thing that they banned was...

1079. because in the famous Le Mans crash,

1080. cars crashed into each other.

1081. That can't happen in a hill climb, so would they allow stuff against the clock?

1082. I don't know because I've got a tube up my arse.

1083. Come on, think, Clarkson.

1084. I think you can do hill climbing in Switzerland,

1085. but I don't know for sure because I've got a tube up my arse.

1086. Right. OK, that's a start.

1087. Let's see if we can find out... Argh!

1088. After a bit of digging around,

1089. James discovered there was a Swiss hill climb event on that weekend...

1090. and it was only 200 miles from our hotel.

1091. Which was fine... for some of us.

1092. At this speed, six of my 12 cylinders are shut down.

1093. They're not using any fuel at all,

1094. so I could probably do 400 miles on the fuel I have.

1095. Just check on James.

1096. Er, James, are you able to make the hill climb event 200 miles away?

1097. Well, let me just have a look. Er, yes, I am.

1098. Well, how do you know with that fuel gauge?

1099. Bec... Oh, I can't be bothered.

1100. It's not straight, is it? Admit it.

1101. Happy piling the motorway miles on your precious cars, are we? Good.

1102. Why is there somebody talking to us from a van, James?

1103. It's a lorry!

1104. Hey, Hammond, I don't know where you are, but there's

1105. a really remarkable-looking futuristic car on the back of a truck.

1106. Must just be a mock-up, I suppose, otherwise it would be being driven.

1107. Yeah, you pile the miles on. Enjoy yourself!

1108. I don't see what's wrong with this.

1109. People don't ride their race horses to the Grand National, do they?

1110. They put them on a lorry. Every weekend,

1111. people all over the world, load their best toys onto a truck,

1112. take them somewhere and enjoy them.

1113. Horses, supercars, race cars,

1114. rally cars, race bikes, dirt bikes.

1115. All of them. It's what you do.

1116. Prepare to deploy smug face at Richard Hammond.

1117. After leaving the van driver far behind,

1118. James and I arrived at what's almost certainly

1119. the most beautiful hill climb event in the world.

1120. And the cars weren't bad either.

1121. We were keen to get cracking,

1122. but, first, we had some important business to attend to.

1123. - (MOANS OF PLEASURE) - Oh, brown food.

1124. Brown drink.

1125. - Calories. - Mm-mm.

1126. Oh. Oh.

1127. Oh. Mm.

1128. I'm actually shaking, I'm so excited.

1129. Mm. (MUMBLES) Mm.

1130. - What? - Look who's here.

1131. Oh, yeah, it's the van driver.

1132. (HE GRUNTS) Ah.

1133. He won't have the energy to drive up the hill.

1134. - What? - He won't have the energy to drive up the hill.

1135. Here I am, car rested, ready and fully charged.

1136. Breakfast. Actual food.

1137. Brown food.

1138. Yeah. Well, professional racers do carb load, don't they, before races.

1139. - So, you're sort of... - Like all athletes carb load. - They don't lettuce load.

1140. As I walked over, I saw you two and thought, "Athletes."

1141. Shut up, Hammond.

1142. With breakfast demolished, it was time to go hill climbing.

1143. But before we did our timed runs,

1144. we had to learn the course.

1145. Corsa. Track mode.

1146. Traction control... off.

1147. No, traction control on.

1148. Practising, Jeremy, practising.

1149. Don't showboat. Must beat Hammond.

1150. It's a 1.09 mile course.

1151. It has 11 corners.

1152. And the most important factor in all of this

1153. is my ability to concentrate and remember how it goes.

1154. Everything good.

1155. Creep mode off, suspension low.

1156. Race mode. We're good.

1157. Ok, that's a good start.

1158. It's a bit wobbly going up here, but... Oh, lordy lord!

1159. Jesus Christ, it's tight and narrow.

1160. (HUMS TO HIMSELF) No idea what I'm doing.

1161. No, that's not as tight as I thought. That was a mistake.

1162. Unleash 1200 horsepower, bit of brakes.

1163. It's no problem.

1164. No looking at the drops. Drops are irrelevant.

1165. Balancing it through there nicely.

1166. This is starting to come together now.

1167. This is the long right-hander, I think.

1168. No, this is the long right-hander.

1169. It's bloody complicated.

1170. Getting on it, getting on it, getting on it.

1171. This could go so wrong.

1172. This could go so wrong. With the practice session complete,

1173. With the practice session complete,

1174. With the practice session complete, it was time to go against the clock.

1175. it was time to go against the clock.

1176. And for me, this was a problem.

1177. Because the rules said that in timed runs,

1178. I had to wear a helmet.

1179. No.

1180. No.

1181. Right, well, I can either drive like this,

1182. with a helmet on, or...

1183. What the hell are we gonna do?

1184. It was time to break out my genius.

1185. Lamborghini's got one of their test drivers here.

1186. He's about this big.

1187. He's about this big. - What's your name? - Giacomo.

1188. - What's your name? - Giacomo.

1189. - Giacomo. - Giacomo is the Italian name.

1190. - Yiacomo. - Giacomo.

1191. - Jack-mo. - Giacomo.

1192. Whatever. Don't worry. You look exactly like me.

1193. I'll tilt that camera down, it'll make you look taller.

1194. Be fine with a crash helmet on. Curly hair, same as me.

1195. - But you've gotta sound like me. - All right.

1196. So..."Hammond, you idiot!" Say that.

1197. - Hammond, you idiot! - Hammond, you idiot.

1198. - You idiot. - You idiot.

1199. Exactly, because he always is an idiot.

1200. So you can always drop that in. It's a useful phrase.

1201. The other one is, this is the fastest car, pause... in the world.

1202. - This is fastest car... pause... in the world. - Say it.

1203. This is the fastest car... pause, in the world.

1204. With all that sorted out,

1205. James took his place on the start line.

1206. This is the big one.

1207. - ... James May! - (HOOTER)

1208. Now is the tight right-hander, so a dab of brakes.

1209. I'm sorry I didn't say anything. That was my concentrating face.

1210. That's the most I've concentrated for five years.

1211. Then it was my turn.

1212. Jeremy Clarkson!

1213. Hammond, you hidiot.

1214. This is the fastest car... pause... in the world.

1215. With an astonishing time on the scoresheet,

1216. Hammond had it all to do.

1217. And we decided to give him some encouragement.

1218. - Hammond. - Yeah.

1219. Really, really, really big crowds here today, as you can see.

1220. - Yeah. - Because they know...

1221. you're gonna break the record here.

1222. 54 seconds.

1223. Come on, you've got 1200 horsepower, you've been practising all morning.

1224. Actually, it is the most powerful car here by some margin.

1225. Well, I can't promise to—

1226. Well, it's the fastest car we've ever seen!

1227. Look at it this way, the whole of Croatia

1228. is watching this knowing that you're gonna do it for them.

1229. In 52 seconds' time, you're going to be

1230. whatever the equivalent of a hero of the Soviet Union is, but in modern-day Croatia.

1231. - Not just Croatia. - It goes spreading out.

1232. It's the whole Eastern European region.

1233. Yeah.

1234. You have got a lot riding on your shoulders, Richard Hammond.

1235. - You... - A lot.

1236. - You will be on a coin. - Thank you, guys.

1237. - He'll be on a coin. - Or a stamp.

1238. Oh, I'm quite nervous. I'm suddenly nervous.

1239. Ricardo Hammondo!

1240. OK, here we go. Give it your best shot, Rich.

1241. Yeah. Watch this.

1242. - Crash! - (THUDDING AND CLATTERING)

1243. Right, I have the times here. Are you ready?

1244. - Representing the present day... - (LAUGHTER)

1245. the Honda NSX did it in...

1246. 1:20.4.

1247. - (BLEEPING) - OK.

1248. - (BLEEPING) - OK. Representing the past, the Lamborghini Aventador

1249. Representing the past, the Lamborghini Aventador

1250. did it in 1 minute 10.4.

1251. did it in 1 minute 10.4. Ooh!

1252. Ooh!

1253. And this is the big one. Representing the future...

1254. the Rimac did it in

1255. the Rimac did it in one minute... 14.7.

1256. one minute... 14.7.

1257. Yes! I am the winner!

1258. - Oh, I am victorious. - No, wait! Wait a minute.

1259. - (APPLAUSE) - Wait a minute.

1260. - The past and me. - You weren't even driving the bloody car.

1261. Well, you were driving your car and you crashed it.

1262. Yes, but I crashed after the finishing line, like a professional.

1263. Hammond, when was the last time

1264. Hammond, when was the last time you went home after work not in an air ambulance?

1265. you went home after work not in an air ambulance?

1266. - (LAUGHTER) - Now—

1267. When was the last time you took your own clothes off at night,

1268. When was the last time you took your own clothes off at night, rather than have a paramedic cut them off in a field?

1269. rather than have a paramedic cut them off in a field?

1270. - Now, hang on a minute. - You crashed after the finishing line,

1271. so our cameras weren't there.

1272. We had to get that clip from YouTube.

1273. - That is not professional. That is selfish. It is. - Look...

1274. I just don't know how it happened.

1275. We do. We know exactly how it happened.

1276. History has taught us you can't drive in a straight line.

1277. History has taught us you can't drive in a straight line. And now we've seen you can't drive round a corner either.

1278. And now we've seen you can't drive round a corner either.

1279. Do you know what's a really remarkable thing about that crash?

1280. - What? - That car continued to catch fire

1281. five days after it happened.

1282. - Fi... What? Bursting into— - Yeah. Spontaneously bursting into flames.

1283. The reason is the accident damaged one of the cells in the lithium ion battery.

1284. That caused a short circuit, it catches fire,

1285. but then that damages the next cell,

1286. so that one catches fire, and so it goes on.

1287. There are 8,000 cells in that thing.

1288. It's like a chain reaction. What do they call it?

1289. Yeah, chain reaction. It's called thermal runaways.

1290. Bang, bang, bang, bang, and so it goes on.

1291. - I was all right. - (LAUGHTER)

1292. Thank you.

1293. It's relevant. I'm OK.

1294. We don't care, and anyway it's time to end the programme

1295. with a conclusion to our very thorough test, and it's this.

1296. The future is very fast...

1297. and extremely quiet... but a bit burney.

1298. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.

1299. Thank you so much for watching. Goodbye.