The Grand Tour 1x3

1. Thank you, everybody! Hello.

2. Thank you.

3. Thank you so much!

4. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much.

5. This is The Grand Tour,

6. and this week... we've come home!

7. We're back! We're back in Britain.

8. We're actually in Yorkshire, which is...

9. - There you go.

10. Which is where all three of us grew up.

11. - Specifically— Yeah, specifically... Whitby!

12. We're in the fishing port of Whitby. There it is.

13. Now, Whitby, of course, is famous all around the world

14. for its unbelievable fish and chips.

15. With scraps.

16. You what?

17. Fish and chips with scraps. You get scraps.

18. Little bits of batter that stay in the bottom of the fryer.

19. - Yeah, scraps. - No, they're bits.

20. - Fish and chips with bits. - No, it's scraps.

21. - It is bits! Bits!

22. Right, hands up for bits.

23. Wrong! Scraps?

24. - See, it's scraps. - Don't argue with me.

25. Because I was born in Yorkshire.

26. Every single one of my family back to the 17th century's from Yorkshire.

27. I'm the most Yorkshire person in the world.

28. You know, it's funny, cos you can't tell. You really wouldn't know.

29. - Yorkshire people are famous for speaking their mind.

30. - And when you... We...

31. We never know what you're thinking. It's just...

32. What am I thinking now?

33. You're thinking you're brilliant

34. and I'm an irritating little short-arse.

35. - Yeah, it's just...

36. - It's incredible! - Yeah, I'm psychic, mate.

37. Other things Yorkshire's famous for: cricket. That's not interesting.

38. Ooh, and then there was a TV show called Last Of The Summer Wine,

39. which was about three very badly dressed old men

40. who fell over,

41. and everything they ever did went wrong.

42. - It was rubbish. Yeah, terrible.

43. I don't know why that took off.

44. Erm... Carmaking?

45. Well, let's put it this way.

46. It's not exactly the Detroit of the British Isles.

47. - No, it's not.

48. But there is a lot of motoring-related stuff here this week,

49. because we're in town.

50. So, let's get on with the show.

51. Yes, let's.

52. We begin in Victorian times,

53. when James May was a little old lady.

54. You see, back then, gentlemen of means—

55. - Rich people in tweed suits. - Yes, rich people in tweed suits

56. would take what was known as the Grand Tour.

57. They'd go off to France or Italy,

58. and they'd spend a few months learning about culture

59. and wine and music.

60. Nowadays, of course, everybody goes to Magaluf

61. and learns about beer and vomit and chlamydia.

62. Yeah.

63. Now, we think this is a real shame,

64. so Jeremy and I went off to Italy

65. to do our own modern take on the Grand Tour.

66. A wonderful, inspirational journey

67. that not only gave its name to this show,

68. but also to 1,000 GT cars:

69. grand tourers.

70. Our start point was the Tuscan hilltop city of Siena.

71. Home to the most exciting horse race in the world:

72. the Palio.

73. Look at that! Wow!

74. It was the beginning of what would be a very fabulous

75. and very cultured journey.

76. We'd visit the magnificent cities of Florence

77. and Bologna and Verona

78. on our way to the finishing point

79. in the most magnificent city of them all:

80. Venice.

81. The cars we'd be driving were fabulous, too.

82. James had chosen the Rolls-Royce Dawn,

83. a new two-door, drop-head version of the Ghost.

84. And I'd be in the DB11,

85. the latest in a long line

86. of elegant and beautiful Aston Martin grand tourers.

87. Even its door mirrors are beautiful.

88. Its wheels are beautiful.

89. This is...

90. This is one of the most beautiful cars I've ever seen.

91. Shame it's brown.

92. - It isn't brown! - Yes, it is.

93. It isn't brown! It's Sunset Orange.

94. It's not brown in the way that my car is green.

95. It's brown.

96. Your car is a convertible BMW 7 Series.

97. No, it isn't.

98. But is it a 7 Series underneath?

99. - Bits of the floor panel. - There you go.

100. £265,000 for a convertible 7 Series.

101. It isn't!

102. If you're going to drive across Italy,

103. which we're going to do, taking in some culture...

104. - Mm-hm. - ... that's what you need.

105. - It isn't brown!

106. - It's brown! - Look, let's not bicker.

107. Actually, on this occasion, let's get on.

108. We are both going to drive across

109. what is, I think, our favourite country in the world,

110. enjoy some culture, enjoy some fine wine,

111. some food, some art, some...

112. - Sorry I'm late.

113. We didn't know you were coming.

114. We rather hoped you weren't.

115. Well, I am, and look at the car I've brought.

116. Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat.

117. 707 American horsepower,

118. and enough torque to pull that old building down.

119. Just... That "old building" is a...

120. Oh, well, never mind.

121. Hammond, Tuscany, not really the home of the muscle car.

122. Yeah, you see, I was worried you two were gonna be all boring and serious.

123. And I am here to make sure this trip is fun

124. because don't tell me the original Grand Tour wasn't fun.

125. It was like an 18th century Cannonball Run,

126. only with old-fashioned morphine instead of cocaine.

127. This is gonna be brilliant.

128. What's with your advertising?

129. Well, because the Americans used to do the Grand Tour,

130. and they used to get sponsors to help cover the costs,

131. so I've got myself some sponsorship.

132. What, Bobby's... What is a grit?

133. That's a... It's a...

134. a bit left over after coffee or potatoes?

135. - I don't know. - Well, it's there.

136. "Rodeo Lube 'N' Tune."

137. "Lube 'N' Tune." Yep, look at that.

138. The things is, people will look at me in that

139. and know I am on a Grand Tour.

140. You, they'll think, "What are these two old farts doing?"

141. Seriously— - You have made no effort.

142. You haven't got into the mood for this.

143. Art, music, culture.

144. Refinement. Yes.

145. Is this something to do with you?

146. Yes. Yes, they're here.

147. These are my spare tyres.

148. Because on a trip like this,

149. in a car with that much power and that much torque,

150. I am gonna get through some tyres.

151. - Tree. - Yeah.

152. That lot was not gonna fit in the boot, or trunk, was it?

153. That is luxury! That is grand touring.

154. Reluctantly, we agreed to let our vulgar colleague tag along.

155. Ha-ha!

156. Hammond, you're deliberately making an irritating noise.

157. Please stop it.

158. I am, yeah.

159. I will freely admit that Hammond's Dodge Hellcat is a remarkable car.

160. It would be perfect if we were at a tractor pull in Milwaukee.

161. But we're not. We're here.

162. And here in Tuscany...

163. you need one of these.

164. This is the all-new replacement for the DB9,

165. and it is the perfect car for the job.

166. It even comes with three running modes.

167. You've got Sport, Sport Plus,

168. and the one I'm gonna use.

169. GT.

170. Grand Touring.

171. Up front, there's a 5.2 litre, twin-turbocharged V12

172. which produces 600 horsepower.

173. And they are smooth horsepower.

174. Dreamy horsepower.

175. In the fullness of time, you'll be able to buy a cheaper version of this car

176. with an AMG V8.

177. It's all part of a deal that Aston have done with Mercedes,

178. and you can see evidence of the deal already.

179. This has got Mercedes switchgear, Mercedes electronics.

180. It's even got Mercedes sat-nav.

181. And I've got to say...

182. Aston Martin and Mercedes,

183. that is the best Anglo-German marriage

184. since Queen Victoria married Albert.

185. James, though, disagreed.

186. Actually, this is the best Anglo-German marriage.

187. It's perfect, in fact, because it has all the things

188. that we like to think of as being Britishness in a car.

189. The sense that it was made by men in aprons,

190. that there are craft skills and traditional materials involved.

191. But then you've got the Germans there, with their hi-tech

192. and their manufacturing efficiency.

193. It's absolutely wonderful.

194. It's... It's very serene.

195. There are a lot of numbers I could quote on this car.

196. You know, the usual: top speed, power, 0-60.

197. All that sort of irrelevant rubbish.

198. But I'm not going to, because that would be, frankly, uncouth.

199. Oh, talking of uncouth...

200. I'll admit, this is not a quiet car.

201. You've got that big bass rumble and roar

202. from the 6.2 litre V8 HEMI.

203. And over the top, that shrill, manic whine of the supercharger.

204. Neither is it a particularly economical one.

205. At full chat, it'll chew through its 18.5-gallon fuel tank

206. in just 13 minutes.

207. And, in fact, it needs so much air to mix with all that petrol it's drinking,

208. they had to remove one of the headlights

209. and replace it with a ram-air intake

210. to feed air to the engine.

211. So they swapped its eye for a nostril.

212. The upside of all this, however,

213. is that it's extremely fast.

214. It'll do the standing quarter faster than a Porsche 911 GT3,

215. but it costs, what, £50,000?

216. You could have five of these for one of James May's Rolls-Royces.

217. Oh, hello. This looks like a tunnel opportunity.

218. Stop doing that!

219. That is a genuinely horrible noise that Hammond's car's making,

220. and he just keeps doing it.

221. He keeps stamping one pedal, then stamping the other one, in his binary style.

222. Sadly, the engine noise wasn't the only irritation.

223. Is this just going to be a tour of Italy's petrol stations?

224. Well, it depends how far apart they are, doesn't it, really?

225. Look at it this way, think of the snacking opportunities.

226. You've come to Italy for food.

227. Yeah, but not crisps.

228. No, not crisps and hideous sausages from America.

229. You don't know. It'll be different in different petrol stations.

230. - It won't. - It will.

231. Are there any Renaissance petrol stations we could visit? Baroque?

232. No. Nor are there any Renaissance sausage rolls in there.

233. For God's sake.

234. Having filled up his car,

235. and himself, we were back on the road.

236. A quick situation update.

237. I'm driving through sunny It—

238. - Shut up!

239. Bad news, James. I'm afraid there's a tunnel coming up.

240. Are you ready? Are you ready?

241. Don't do it, Hammond. Just relax. Enjoy a bit of quiet.

242. Stop it!

243. You have got to love that!

244. Soon, we arrived in the Renaissance city of Florence,

245. a traditional stopping point on the Grand Tour of old.

246. Architecture.

247. Opera di Firenze. This is what we're here for.

248. This is why we're here.

249. Best of all, though,

250. James and I had managed to lose Hammond.

251. He's really offending you, isn't he, with his Dodge?

252. Honestly, I wouldn't say this lightly,

253. but I have developed a genuine, deep,

254. deep, heartfelt hatred for that thing.

255. I can tell. You're going to go like Inspector Dreyfus in the Pink Panther films soon.

256. You're not wrong. I've developed a twitch.

257. When he comes near me and I'm waiting for that stupid noise it makes,

258. my eye starts quivering.

259. It's like somebody constantly being sick on you

260. while you're trying to read a nice book.

261. As we were on our own,

262. Jeremy and I decided to head for

263. the renowned Uffizi Gallery...

264. where we would enjoy a bit of peace and quiet

265. as we appreciated its treasures.

266. Who's hungry? Cos it's doughnut time!

267. Yeah!

268. You can have that one!

269. Put sprinkles on that!

270. Party on the hill in... wherever we are. Italy.

271. Ya-ha!

272. Finally bringing some life into this place!

273. After Hammond had fitted some new tyres...

274. James and I abandoned our visit to the Uffizi...

275. and escorted him out of town.

276. Hammond, we could see the smoke from your tyres

277. from the other side of the city.

278. I know! I know!

279. Nobody in history has ever,

280. ever doughnuted an Aston Martin.

281. Yeah, they're not young buyers, are they?

282. No, they're refined and cultured.

283. I envy you, Hammond, cos you get to look at my Aston Martin.

284. - Yeah, but there's a big problem with it visually.

285. It's brown!

286. Sunburst Orange is what it is.

287. Jeremy, I shouldn't worry. We all know the expression.

288. Brown sky at night, shepherd's delight.

289. That bloke's been done for that theft, you know?

290. They caught him brown-handed.

291. I'm starting to imagine

292. what Richard Hammond would look like without a head... or skin.

293. Once Hammond had finished rubbishing the Aston's colour,

294. he started to challenge its performance.

295. Hammond is driving along behind me now like he wants to get past.

296. Stupid boy.

297. What is the top speed of that car of yours?

298. 199 miles an hour.

299. Exactly. This will do 200, so back off.

300. Well, yes, but it's 100 grand more.

301. That's a very expensive mile an hour.

302. Rather than get into a pointless war of words,

303. I decided to put Hammond in his place

304. and invited him to pull over here...

305. at the Mugello race track.

306. Why have you brought me to this not-at-all cultural place?

307. Because I want to teach him a lesson about what real speed is.

308. But he's got over 700 horsepower.

309. Yes, I know, but you remember Jaws:

310. big metal teeth, huge man?

311. James Bond simply threw him through a window,

312. and that's what I'm gonna do to him.

313. - Do you mind if I don't take part in this?

314. I'll do it.

315. So, as Hammond had some new tyres fitted...

316. again, I took to the track for some sighting laps.

317. Now, let's get one thing straight from the start.

318. Aston Martins are not really designed to do track work.

319. They're designed to look good, and that's it.

320. Yes, the chassis on this, the DB11,

321. was developed by a former Lotus engineer,

322. but they actually told him

323. to tune it more for comfort than handling.

324. That being said,

325. this has an aluminium chassis and some aero trickery.

326. Air is sucked into holes behind the rear windows

327. and then shot out of a vent on the boot lid,

328. giving me a sort of air rear wing.

329. Giving me grip... a lot of grip.

330. And the traction control is simply astonishing.

331. In most cars, it's like somebody hitting you on the head with a hammer,

332. but in this, it's just going,

333. "Erm... Hang on, hang on, hang on." There you go.

334. Bloody hellfire! This is very, very good.

335. Certainly it's good enough to be able to totally destroy

336. Hammond's idiotic Dodge.

337. This does not have a magnesium roof,

338. carbon-fibre prop shaft.

339. The engine isn't made from aluminium, it's made from cast iron.

340. And you get the impression they'd have made it from stone if they could.

341. What it does have is vast reserves of power,

342. and even vaster reserves of character.

343. This thing is just hilarious.

344. Look at him in his little brown Aston,

345. being all in control, and just not having fun, is he?

346. I mean, what's the point?

347. Showboating. Probably thinks I can't.

348. Well, I'm sorry, Hammond, this is a 600 horsepower,

349. rear-wheel drive Aston Martin.

350. So I turned the traction control off,

351. and all hell broke loose.

352. It will do this all day.

353. Meanwhile...

354. One of the purposes of the original Grand Tour

355. wasn't just to look at things and learn about things.

356. It was also to enhance your capabilities.

357. You would learn to do things.

358. You might do... I don't know, writing sonnets,

359. playing musical instruments, regional cooking, maybe.

360. I'm having a go at watercolour painting.

361. - It's absolutely delightful.

362. Apart from my reverie is occasionally interrupted

363. by the... disgusting bellow of Hammond's muscle car.

364. Mr. Hammond appears to have organised a helicopter

365. to record the event.

366. Ha-ha, Clarkson! Get past me now!

367. Smokescreen you.

368. What a moron you are, Hammond!

369. Get out of my way!

370. This is not a particularly cultural thing to do...

371. but it is very good fun.

372. Even though Hammond and I were having a big smoky riot,

373. we'd learned nothing at all.

374. So we decided to get scientific

375. and do a proper timed flying lap.

376. This matters.

377. This is for Britain. This is for Europe.

378. No silly business.

379. Let's just get round this as fast as we can.

380. With the flying lap completed,

381. we met to compare times.

382. - Go on, then. - All right, then. Two...

383. - Yes. - Yes.

384. 18 seconds...

385. What are you?

386. 18. B-But...

387. - No. Two minutes 18...

388. Ooh!

389. point 79.

390. Oh, thank God for that.

391. I'm... It's crushing. Three-five.

392. Well, it's hardly crushing, is it?

393. - No, cos that's... - I don't know why you accepted the challenge.

394. It's less then half a second for your extra 100 grand.

395. Well, hardly a big gloat, is it?

396. It's £100,000 for half a second and 1mph top speed.

397. 240 years of independence and that's the best they can do.

398. As Hammond cheered himself up with some doughnuts...

399. and then another set of tyres...

400. I went to join James.

401. Oh, shit.

402. Agh!

403. - Did you beat him, by the way? - Yeah.

404. Good man.

405. As the sun slipped behind the Tuscan hills,

406. we spent an enjoyable hour or so painting.

407. But then...

408. Ooh.

409. What are you doing?

410. I'm defusing a bomb, Hammond. What do you think I'm doing?

411. I'm baking a cake.

412. - It looks like you're painting. - We are painting.

413. Hammond then decided he'd like to have a go as well.

414. Right.

415. That one.

416. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

417. Soon, our art was finished.

418. I think I've rushed mine.

419. Still, could be worse.

420. It was difficult, before I saw this,

421. to imagine anything more hideous than the actual car.

422. But you've done it, Hammond.

423. It's the way that you've managed to eradicate any sense of place.

424. Yeah, I know.

425. Your twitch! He's twitching!

426. Even when he looks at the picture of your car,

427. he's actually twitching!

428. All of the work...

429. All of the work that Rolls-Royce put into that Dawn

430. to make it quiet and refined and sublime, and all those things you'd expect,

431. it all counts for absolutely nothing if it's anywhere near your Dodge,

432. because that's all you can hear.

433. Do you know something about that Hellcat?

434. OK, I've done some research into it.

435. The Hellcat is based on the old Chrysler 300C.

436. Underneath, it's the same car.

437. And the 300C, underneath, is a 1990s Mercedes E-Class.

438. So what Dodge has done with that thing,

439. if they put 700 horsepower in a 20-year-old taxi...

440. that's what it is.

441. Anyway, if you want to listen to two old men

442. dribble on about music and opera whilst I have fun,

443. there'll be more of that later on.

444. But now it's time for us to check our mirrors

445. and make a smooth left into Conversation Street.

446. It is.

447. Now... I have to say,

448. James was very, very excited about coming to Whitby,

449. because he'd heard that it's the centre of the British jet industry.

450. He was very much looking forward to spending

451. a couple of days looking at old drawings of Concord,

452. but then he discovered that Whitby jet is actually this.

453. It looks like coal.

454. - It is coal.

455. Thing is, though, they've worked out...

456. Obviouasly, you can't burn coal any more

457. because Al Gore goes nuts and a polar bear falls over,

458. so they polish it up and then say it's precious.

459. That's interesting, this, cos I've got the blurb here

460. from Whitby's oldest retailer of the stuff, and it says,

461. "Unlike other gemstones,

462. jet is actually fossilised wood."

463. Yes, because unlike other gemstones, it's coal.

464. - Yeah, but...

465. - But it's...

466. Unlike other gemstones, Hammond, it's a lot cheaper.

467. - Well, yes, it would be.

468. Well, seriously, you can get a jet ring, look, for 32 quid.

469. You get a sack of it for ten quid. It's coal!

470. - Thing is, though...

471. We were thinking the other day,

472. you know carmakers now they use bamboo, ash, walnut

473. and carbon fibre to decorate bits of a car?

474. - Exactly.

475. Anybody would like to have some jet in their car.

476. Actually, we've been doing a little bit of experimenting, Hammond.

477. I've made a prototype. This is a gearstick with a jet knob...

478. on the top. It's brilliant.

479. I mean, it's not polished yet, but you change gear.

480. It does make your hand a bit dirty.

481. But, no, that's a handy reminder. It is.

482. Exactly. No, you're absolutely right 'cause you know,

483. sometimes you drive an unfamiliar car, you're on the motorway

484. and you think, "Oh, did I change into sixth?

485. - Yeah, I did."

486. Here's some conversation... for Conversation Street.

487. Erm... Bad news. There is a problem right now in this country.

488. Not enough people are learning to drive. Seriously.

489. In 2007, just over 16,000 driving tests were conducted.

490. Last year, that had dropped to 4,650.

491. That is a true fact. In less than ten years, 16,000 down to 4,000.

492. And I know why.

493. It's because kids leave school these days,

494. they've no idea who Hitler was, they can't add up.

495. They just know cars are bad.

496. That's all they learn: cars are bad, cars are bad, cars are bad.

497. Then, when they do get out of school, after what—

498. after school's finished,

499. they go around and see speed cameras, traffic jams,

500. signs saying "Please don't overtake cyclists" and think, "What's the point?"

501. "No point learning to drive. I might as well just use Uber."

502. Exactly. If I were a carmaker,

503. I would be fighting like a Kilkenny cat

504. to make sure every car I made

505. was as interesting and as amazing as possible.

506. But instead... Renault, they give us the KADJAR.

507. - How many children...

508. How many children will say, "If I work really hard and do my homework,

509. one day, maybe, I can have a KADJAR"?

510. Cos that's the car they grow up seeing.

511. Worse still, Nissan Juke.

512. - You really hate the Juke. - No, I hate it.

513. - No, he genuinely hates... - No, I hate...

514. I object to it existing. It shouldn't exist. I loathe it.

515. On the motorway, you see them with their stupid,

516. like, double bug eyes.

517. Smug little...

518. If I see one, I'm mad. I can't help myself.

519. And it's cruel, and I'm sorry if you're in one.

520. But I do, I see them.

521. "I hate..."

522. He does. I was driving along with him the other day...

523. I was busy telling him a story,

524. and he was looking out the window going,

525. "I hate you! I hate you!"

526. I hate them.

527. What's the most boring car on sale in Britain today?

528. That's a good question.

529. Brown Astons!

530. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

531. Get out. Get out.

532. Security, kill him.

533. "Brown Astons" my...

534. I tell you what, if I were the boss of Volkswagen,

535. I'd go and find the man who did...

536. What's that tall Golf called?

537. Oh, the SV.

538. SV, that's it. The one that's like a Golf,

539. but for people who have stovepipe hats.

540. And I would bludgeon him with a tyre iron.

541. "Why did you do that? Nobody wants one!"

542. Just to be fair, I think VW have bigger concerns at the moment.

543. OK, I want to talk about the Oxford Ring Road.

544. I know it's miles away from here and from anybody watching,

545. but the thing is, OK, for the last two years,

546. they've been working on shrinking - slightly shrinking -

547. two roundabouts and putting some traffic lights up.

548. Now, do you know how much the budget was for that job?

549. Er... Two roundabouts, ten grand a roundabout. I'd say 20 grand overall.

550. £9 million.

551. Nine million? - Nine million.

552. Can you imagine the builder's face when he came out of that meeting?

553. "They're gonna give me nine million quid

554. to shrink a couple of roundabouts!"

555. Well, that's why it's taken him two years.

556. He had to make it look like nine million quid's worth.

557. "Really difficult."

558. This is not a word of a lie.

559. £9 million will buy you a 30,000-square-foot house,

560. OK, like this.

561. That is a nine-million-quid house to build.

562. You can have that or two shaved roundabouts... for your nine million quid.

563. No. No, actually. No.

564. Because - and this, again, is not a word of a lie -

565. a few months ago, builder man -

566. and it must have been a bet -

567. he went back to the council and he said,

568. "I need another million quid."

569. And they paid! They paid!

570. He probably shuffled in. "I broke me spade."

571. "Another million?" "Yes, of course. Happy to."

572. Can I be cross for a moment with BMW?

573. It'll be difficult to stop you. Yes.

574. The thing was, last year they introduced this.

575. They showed... They went, "Look at that."

576. And everybody went, "That is fantastic!"

577. It's an homage to the old CSL Batmobile from '72.

578. Everyone was going, "When will you make it?"

579. "We're not. It's just to show you what we could make."

580. Why did they show us?

581. Just don't do that! - Yeah, exactly.

582. Actually, no, it doesn't matter,

583. because they've come up with something else instead.

584. This look. This is actually an homage

585. to the original 2002, which is the old car on the left,

586. and that, I think, actually looks pretty fab.

587. - It does. Are they gonna make it? - No.

588. Well, why show it to us, then?

589. "Look what we could make but we're not."

590. It's a good job BMW don't run the emergency services, isn't it?

591. "Oh, look! You have drifted a long way from shore there, haven't you?

592. We could drag you back behind our speedboat."

593. "Will you?" "No. No, we just wanted you to know that we could."

594. What they're being is prick-teasers.

595. - Oh, you can't say that.

596. I don't think you can say that.

597. I'm not sure you can say that.

598. Can you say "prick

599. A cock-tease!

600. "Cock That's no different. You've just changed the name!

601. It's a different way of saying "prick" or "dick".

602. You could have said "penis tease". It doesn't matter!

603. Conversation Street's taken a really bad turn.

604. The point I'm trying to make is BMW must stop doing that.

605. Whatever... Whatever it was.

606. Now, if we had a Grand Tour medal,

607. and we don't, but if we did,

608. I know who the first recipient would be.

609. Cos we heard this amazing story the other day.

610. You know speed camera vans?

611. Sit at the side of the road, blacked out windows,

612. civil servant sitting inside watching YouPorn. OK?

613. That's what it is. Waiting for someone to trip his camera.

614. Now, someone, the other day,

615. snuck up behind the speed-camera van,

616. quietly undid its number plates

617. put them on his own car

618. and drove past at 100 miles an hour.

619. I mean... literally the funniest thing ever!

620. Well done, you, sir.

621. Top work.

622. - Absolutely... I love that.

623. That is top, top work.

624. Can I talk about the Alfa Romeo Quadrifoglio?

625. - No.

626. Because we've got to get back to our film.

627. Tonight we are on a Grand Tour of Italy.

628. There's James in a Rolls-Royce,

629. Jeremy in an Aston Martin,

630. and me in a Dodge Hellcat with two trucks full of tyres

631. so I can do doughnuts whenever I want.

632. Yes, and we pick up the action on day two

633. of what was becoming, thanks to him,

634. the journey from hell.

635. As the sun rose over the silent,

636. misty Italian countryside...

637. OK, let's get these out.

638. and Hammond extricated his entourage

639. from the hotel car park...

640. James lowered the roof on his Rolls-Royce.

641. - Morning. - Morning.

642. That is the "silent ballet".

643. - There's nothing silent about your lorries, Hammond. - No, not those.

644. That's how Rolls-Royce themselves describe the roof

645. going up and down, in this, look.

646. - "Silent ballet", that's what they say.

647. They also talk about "the Dawn provides an erotic tingle on the skin."

648. - Whoa! - This is all their words.

649. - This is their words. Yeah, this is their bumf.

650. They also say, "The car is a contemporary take on the casino lifestyle.

651. It is intended to attract... people."

652. - People...

653. People who put their seatbelts on?

654. Exactly, people who put their seatbelts on and off

655. and relish both freedom and sophistication.

656. - Casino lifestyle.

657. Can we go?

658. Have you got your seatbelt on?

659. We then set off

660. and decided to do a bit more road testing of our cars.

661. I began by talking about the Aston Martin's interior.

662. On the upside,

663. Aston Martin have reprogrammed the Mercedes electronics

664. so the warning beeps and buzzers are now less... Germanic.

665. If you don't put your seatbelt on, for example, you get a discreet cough.

666. A... rather than a klaxon

667. and somebody shouting, "Achtung!"

668. On the downside is everything else.

669. Er... The centrepiece of this dashboard here looks like a...

670. How can I put this? like a lady part.

671. And then the door lining here, well, it's just hideous.

672. It look like a footballer's... kitchen worktop.

673. It's annoying, cos Aston have done such a good job with the rest of this car.

674. I was staggered

675. by how good it was at the track yesterday.

676. And yet, they've let it all down with this ghastly interior.

677. In the Hellcat, Hank J Hammondberger

678. hadn't noticed the quality of the fixtures and fittings.

679. He was too busy playing with the toys.

680. Oh, now, look at all of this.

681. Timers, gauges...

682. Oh.

683. In my performance mode screen,

684. I can measure G-forces, braking distance,

685. reactions times, quarter-mile timer,

686. eighth-of-a-mile timer, lap history.

687. It's brilliant!

688. Irrelevant twaddle.

689. "Irrelevant twaddle."

690. Oh, I've just seen my average MPG.

691. What is it?

692. 6.6.

693. Six miles to the gallon?

694. I like to think of it as a healthy appetite.

695. How many miles to the gallon has your Rolls-Royce been doing, James May?

696. 15.7 in the last 48 hours.

697. Mine's been doing 21 miles to the gallon.

698. That's cos it's boring and that's because it's brown!

699. Oh, no.

700. And, with that, the road test ended

701. and another day of Hammond-based irritation began.

702. It's orange!

703. You join us at another petrol station.

704. I don't need any, but guess who does.

705. This car is excellent for ornithologists.

706. It's so quiet going along here, I can listen to the birdsong.

707. - Hello, James.

708. Oh, for God's sake.

709. Party button!

710. Stop doing that!

711. Stop it!

712. Go away!

713. I genuinely am worried about the sanity of Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

714. Many frustrating miles later,

715. we reached the next stop on our Grand Tour:

716. the region around Modena,

717. which is home to three of the world's greatest carmakers.

718. And, while Hammond sped off

719. to give his cultural take on Lamborghini's history...

720. Oh, my God. That is pure filth.

721. James and I went off

722. to buy a goodbye present for him.

723. I think scissor doors actually make me horny.

724. And when he'd finished his Brian Sewell routine...

725. we met up to hand it over.

726. We have had it done for you.

727. - It's brilliant! - I know.

728. It's in the style, actually,

729. of an 18th-century Italian artist called Pompeo Batoni,

730. who made a pretty good living

731. out of painting visiting Americans on the Grand Tour

732. and making them look like refined,

733. cultured English gentleman.

734. Yeah. Think of it as a souvenir of your trip.

735. Thank you. Except a souvenir is what you get at the end of a trip.

736. - Yeah, exactly. - Erm...

737. While Hammond struggled to get the painting in his car

738. for the long trip back to England...

739. Er...

740. James and I set off alone into the glory that is Italy.

741. Oh, my word. Look at that view.

742. Holy moley!

743. That evening in Verona,

744. we dined well at a Michelin-starred restaurant,

745. and then we went to see something called Carmen,

746. which wasn't at all what we were expecting.

747. He hasn't gone home, has he?

748. The next morning, we were up at first light

749. to attempt another escape.

750. James... that's his room.

751. This has a quiet-start facility on it, but I don't know how it works.

752. - Push it.

753. I could... It's really quiet.

754. You start... You'll be all right.

755. - Don't bong!

756. That's amazing, isn't it?

757. That's firing 80 times a second, roughly.

758. Ah, no noise.

759. I can just drive out of here.

760. Yeah. - Typical Aston, you see!

761. It's broken down.

762. You haven't got long to get it going

763. cos I'll be down again in a second, changed and ready to roll.

764. Ya-ha!

765. Whilst Hammond was upstairs, chiselling off his sweat...

766. James and I made a run for it.

767. And, in case he caught up with us on the motorway,

768. we took some precautions.

769. This is the work of a genius.

770. We are now protected from Mr Hammond completely.

771. James's head was a bit of a problem with this plan, but we've solved it.

772. Don't worry if you don't recognise me, viewers. It's me.

773. The question was, would Richard Hammond recognise him?

774. Here comes Richard Hammond. Just look straight ahead.

775. Look straight ahead.

776. And the answer was...

777. Not looking.

778. Oh, God. He's waving at me!

779. Well, he's clocked us, hasn't he?

780. I think you're better off getting stone chips than looking like that.

781. Mayday. Mayday. I'm disintegrating.

782. Whilst James unwrapped himself

783. and Richard filled up through his ruined present,

784. I had another brainwave.

785. I'm gonna lead him into the centre of Vicenza, yeah?

786. Yes.

787. I've sent out a tweet, and I put this on Facebook,

788. saying that Richard Hammond will be appearing in the main square, OK?

789. - Yes. - So he gets out.

790. - He's mobbed. - Yes.

791. - Very good. I like it.

792. - Yes.

793. Oh, good. Only thing is, I've made a slight mistake.

794. I have said here that Richard Hammond will be -

795. I wanted to say "appearing" but I've put "exhibiting himself".

796. Well, it'll get a crowd.

797. Back on the move, I put my plan into action.

798. I thought we'd turn off the motorway here, Hammond.

799. Vicenza's got a doughnuting area in it.

800. Has it?

801. Yeah, no old statues.

802. There's Starbucks, McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts.

803. I'm right, aren't I, James?

804. I think they've got an American football team, haven't they, in Vicenza?

805. They have, the Vicenza Red Bears.

806. OK.

807. We'll have a little mooch about.

808. Soon, we were approaching the centre of the town.

809. I just need a crowd big enough

810. to keep him occupied for 20 minutes.

811. I don't know how many people will have read my tweet.

812. A couple of hundred.

813. I was nearly right.

814. Oh, my God.

815. This has gone really wrong.

816. - This has gone so spectacularly wrong. - Jeremy!

817. Oh, my word!

818. Hello. Is there an event on?

819. It's Mr Hammond you're looking for.

820. Mr Hammond is in the Dodge.

821. Oh, this is unnerving.

822. Is it always this busy here? What's going on today?

823. Look at that, we're free, and Hammond is stuck.

824. Yes. Yes.

825. We're out.

826. Hammond is doomed!

827. He's doomed!

828. Leaving Hammond in what he thought

829. was the muscle-car capital of Italy...

830. They like a rev. They do like a rev here.

831. James and I headed out of town.

832. Right, good. Venice, 23 miles away.

833. I think it's fair to say

834. that this entire trip has been a total disaster.

835. But the Aston Martin has been the complete opposite.

836. It was much, much better than I thought it was going to be on the track.

837. It's staggeringly civilised and quiet on the road.

838. It really is a superb grand tourer,

839. and it is achingly pretty.

840. Especially with this beautiful orange paintwork.

841. Jeremy may have been won over by his brown Aston,

842. but I was truly smitten with the Rolls-Royce.

843. What is it about a Rolls

844. A lot of people would say this isn't a car-lover's car.

845. It's not sporty, it's not dynamic,

846. it doesn't have modes for you to set.

847. You can't even change the gears.

848. You can only put it in forward or reverse.

849. And yet, I think this is a car for people who love cars,

850. because it gives you an entirely different driving experience.

851. There is no other car that's quite like a Rolls-Royce,

852. no other car that cossets you in the same way.

853. This is a car that is kind to you.

854. I think it is actually impossible to be unhappy if you're driving this car.

855. And look at what I've had to put up with:

856. Richard Hammond and Richard Hammond,

857. Richard Hammond, the Dodge Hellcat,

858. Richard Hammond, the Dodge Hellcat, and I'm still happy.

859. As we arrived in Venice, we were in good spirits.

860. And, the next morning,

861. we did what all our predecessors

862. on the Grand Tour would have done.

863. We took in the sights from the water.

864. It's so nice without Hammond.

865. Dinner last night...

866. Nice to order food without somebody going, "Have you got any chips?"

867. Yeah. "Where's the ketchup?"

868. He is never, ever going to get out of that square. I mean never.

869. I assume he's been crushed to death by now, or torn apart.

870. Have you seen that?

871. - Yeah. - What a moron.

872. An inappropriate brown powerboat.

873. Orange.

874. Is that allowed round here? I'm surprised, actually.

875. Lads!

876. What a yob. I thought his Hellcat was bad.

877. Hammond, no.

878. That's really inappropriate, Hammond. Don't do that.

879. This is very wobbly.

880. Don't... Don't do that, Hammond.

881. Yeah!

882. Who's hungry? Who's for doughnuts?

883. Hammond, stop it!

884. - Whoa!

885. Yah! Water doughnut!

886. Stop it!

887. Hammond! Hammond!

888. What?

889. Grand Tour. We can do it again next year.

890. Next year? Do it again next year?

891. Not only did you knock us into

892. the sewage-infested waters of Venice...

893. you cut the present we gave you in half.

894. No, hang on a minute. No, it was only like

895. a two-piece jigsaw puzzle, and I put it back together again.

896. Look, there it is. See? Perfect.

897. - Yes.

898. Art galleries do not saw artworks in half

899. just to get them up the stairs, you moron.

900. Anyway, listen, before we move on,

901. can I just say something about that Aston Martin?

902. Not to wind you two up. I genuinely mean this.

903. It's an amazing car.

904. I know the steering wheel is square.

905. - And it was brown. - Yes.

906. And I know the interior wasn't very nice,

907. but, genuinely, it's affected me.

908. It's been living up here ever since I got back.

909. And talking of up here,

910. it's now time to play Celebrity Brain Crash.

911. Yes, it's time for a top celebrity

912. to try their hand at our fearsome test of skill,

913. co-ordination and observation.

914. Now, so far, I should explain,

915. no celebrity has actually made it to the tent.

916. - No, they've all died.

917. Yes, but our fingers are crossed for this week,

918. because our guest is a huge star.

919. You'll have seen him in Mission Impossible,

920. Star Trek, Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz,

921. and he's here to talk about his new movie -

922. Spielberg movie - Ready Player One.

923. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got Simon Pegg!

924. And there he is.

925. There he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his Cornetto.

926. Always a Cornetto.

927. He's battled aliens, he's battled zombies,

928. he should have no problem at all

929. with a short stroll through this pretty little town.

930. Of all his films, it's Paul that I like best.

931. - I think that stands out. - Paul was the forerunner of Ted, really.

932. - It was. - It was first. It came first.

933. Hot Fuzz. It's Hot Fuzz for me, just because of the fight scenes.

934. There he is. He's on the bridge.

935. - It looks like he's being hassled by seagulls.

936. They're after his Cornetto, I think.

937. Yeah, they're after his... Oh!

938. - Oh!

939. Oh, God.

940. There's literally nothing we can do.

941. We're gonna get a reputation.

942. Does that mean he's not coming on then?

943. - Well, James...

944. he fell into the harbour, and the icy North Sea waters are now filling his lungs.

945. It's a no. He's not coming on.

946. Oh, God...

947. Well, look, I...

948. - Oh. - I anticipated something like this.

949. - Yes.

950. And so I prepared something else we can do to fill the time.

951. It's this. You know Google have been trying to build a self

952. For seven years they've been at it.

953. We've got a picture of it. It's absolutely hideous.

954. I was thinking, "Well, how hard can it be?"

955. Oh, God.

956. Ten days ago I thought, "I'll give it a bash," okay?

957. And I've already finished it.

958. - Yes, it's here.

959. - Yes, it's here.

960. Let's bring it out. It's phone-operated.

961. - So, erm... Hang on. Just set...

962. No, here it comes. Right, forwards.

963. Forwards.

964. Please try not to be distracted

965. by the harrowing scenes... of...

966. Left, left. Straight.

967. the harrowing scenes of Simon's lifeless corpse

968. being fished from the harbour.

969. I know that's upsetting for some people.

970. Right, we need to make a bit of a a hole in the crowd back here,

971. cos I'm gonna bring it into the tent studio

972. so you can see how brilliant I've been.

973. - Forwards.

974. Really? - That is brilliant!

975. - It's... - Cheer, everybody.

976. Left. Left. Left.

977. - It's hideous! - Left. Forwards.

978. - It's... So, hold on. - Stop. Stop.

979. It's not brilliant. It's hideous, is what it is.

980. How can you say it's hideous?

981. I've copied Google's styling completely.

982. Is that a septic tank?

983. - Yes, it is.

984. Cut in half, and then I've mounted on the top

985. this chaise longue,

986. so the owner can recline in great comfort.

987. Yeah, yeah. How does it actually work?

988. Brilliantly.

989. Down here, a very small little camera.

990. That feeds a view of the road ahead to the system inside.

991. - Well, there's a bonnet here.

992. Come round, I'll show you the... the gubbins. Ready?

993. There it is.

994. Well, it's just a man!

995. - It's just a man in there! - It isn't.

996. It is!

997. No. No.

998. It's not just a man. This is a Romanian man.

999. I am providing employment for newcomers to our country.

1000. - Oh, God.

1001. Think about it. Google, yes?

1002. Google, they use electronics to take away the work of a man.

1003. This gives him a job, it gives him dignity.

1004. - Yes, dignity.

1005. It's a bit feudal, isn't it?

1006. It's a bit brilliant is what it is. Let me close the bonnet.

1007. I'm gonna go for my first-ever drive.

1008. I'll go to t'foot of our stairs here,

1009. which is a Yorkshire expression.

1010. The great thing is, it's so easy to get in and out of, you know.

1011. Look, there I am.

1012. - Now I don't need the phone. I can use my speaking tube. - Oh, God!

1013. There's a man in there!

1014. What's Romanian for "backwards"?

1015. Înapoi, I think.

1016. Înapoi. It is, obviously. It's bilingual.

1017. This is evil!

1018. Google hasn't made it work, I have.

1019. Îna... Backwards. I'll just stick to English.

1020. Backwards. Backwards.

1021. Thank you so much.

1022. British engineering, ladies and gentlemen,

1023. with Romanian parts.

1024. What a combination that is.

1025. Shit! Ah, my head!

1026. Yep. Whatever.

1027. - Anyway, I'm glad he's gone. - So am I.

1028. No, I'm particularly glad because of what's coming up next.

1029. Oh, yes! Yes. Now, right at the beginning of this series,

1030. Jeremy Clarkson said, when we were at a race track in Portugal -

1031. and he said it on the television -

1032. that if his McLaren P1 wasn't faster

1033. than Hammond's Porsche 918 or my Ferrari The Ferrari,

1034. we could knock his house down.

1035. Well, it wasn't,

1036. so, one weekend when Jeremy was away, we...

1037. Well, roll the tape.

1038. This is it,

1039. 200 years old and built from beautiful Cotswold stone.

1040. Now, I want to make it absolutely clear

1041. that this is Jeremy Clarkson's actual house.

1042. Yeah, it really is. I'd swear to my children's lives on that.

1043. It's Jeremy's house. He bought it when he fell in love with the view.

1044. It is a lovely view, actually.

1045. It is. It'll be even better soon, without a house in it.

1046. Our plan was to smash the place down

1047. with some big demolition equipment.

1048. But there was a problem.

1049. In this country, you can't knock a house down

1050. if the council find evidence of bats living in it.

1051. Well, they did, and now we've been told

1052. we've got to take the roof off, quietly and by hand,

1053. to give the bats the chance to go and live elsewhere.

1054. James, I can't help but notice I am doing all of the work here.

1055. Yeah, you're gonna have to. I don't like it.

1056. It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate. Climb it!

1057. Not if you're me, it's not. How many bats are there?

1058. - One.

1059. - Yes, a bat. - Just kill it.

1060. We'll go to prison, mate. We can't.

1061. Just because that little winged-mouse bastard

1062. is hanging upside down in there, feeling smug with himself

1063. cos I'm up this ladder, we can't knock the house down?

1064. We've got to do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.

1065. Hammond, I hate... I hate heights. You know I do.

1066. I hate ladders, I hate bats.

1067. Many hours later,

1068. and with no help at all from Spider-Man,

1069. the roof was finally off and the bat was free to move.

1070. But would it?

1071. Why doesn't it go and live in there?

1072. Because, let's be honest, that's perfect if you're a bat.

1073. Yeah, well, it might, but it's got to decide to do so.

1074. - Yes, James.

1075. Why don't you go and stand in that barn and squeak in a sultry and erotic manner?

1076. That night, Spider-Man stood in the barn,

1077. squeaking in a sultry and erotic manner...

1078. and the bat eventually succumbed.

1079. So, the next morning, we were ready to go.

1080. This thing really works! This rocks!

1081. Oh, my word!

1082. At this rate, we'd be done and dusted in no time.

1083. However, my finickity colleague had an issue.

1084. - Hammond!

1085. - Stop!

1086. Stop!

1087. You don't just smash it to pieces.

1088. You're supposed to dismantle it and leave it in neat piles.

1089. It's got to be tidied up. You can't leave it like that.

1090. It's actually quicker if you do it methodically.

1091. Oh, God. Only you would say that!

1092. You want neat piles of bits that can be carted away.

1093. You need to work on that bit and that bit to start with,

1094. then the rest falls neatly into a heap.

1095. How can you make even this boring?

1096. It's not boring. It's the way... I've watched it done.

1097. That's how you do it. You don't just smash it. I'll do it.

1098. James then commandeered my machine...

1099. so I got another one and carried on regardless.

1100. And bang!

1101. Ah! I've got it!

1102. Oh, it's like winning one of those things at the fair.

1103. Thanks to me, at least, progress was being made.

1104. However...

1105. - I'm stuck on something.

1106. Oh! Oh, I've broken my digger. Oh, dear.

1107. With me out of action and James achieving nothing,

1108. a new approach was needed.

1109. But first, we had to clear the site

1110. of Jeremy's most treasured possessions.

1111. Shakira.

1112. Shakira.

1113. Shakira.

1114. Oh!

1115. That is a... strong image.

1116. It's a tiny doll with pins in it, and your face.

1117. Look, this is his photo album. It's probably really precious.

1118. - Oh, it's a bit disturbing.

1119. - They're all of me. - Yep.

1120. At this point, we decided not to clear the site of his treasured possessions

1121. and moved swiftly to plan B.

1122. Short ceremony, say a few words?

1123. Nah.

1124. That... That got it.

1125. Done.

1126. So, let's just get this straight.

1127. You blew up...

1128. that picture of me on the horse?

1129. - Yep. - Yep.

1130. - Yep.

1131. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. Thanks for watching.

1132. See you next week.

1133. - Good night!