The Grand Tour 0x1

1. Hello and welcome to our last-ever Grand Tour.

2. Because this is the last time that James, Richard and I will ever work together,

3. Mr Wilman said we should do something important.

4. He said we should each buy a medium-sized electric car

5. and then see how many laps of the M25 we could do in it

6. on one charge.

7. And we decided to ignore him and come here.

8. Yep.

9. So, welcome, everyone, to Zimbabwe.

10. And we won't be driving crummy electric cars either.

11. Instead, the three of us decided that we would simply buy

12. things we've always wanted.

13. And that's why I bought this.

14. It's a Triumph Stag.

15. I've always loved the Stag. I've loved it since I was a small boy.

16. But I never actually thought I'd own one.

17. To be honest, I didn't think I was allowed to own one.

18. Only people like David Niven could own a Stag.

19. I'd never even driven one, in accordance with the rule

20. that you should never meet your hero.

21. But now I have, I'm delighted to say,

22. it's absolutely lovely.

23. Oh yeah.

24. At this point, Lewis Collins arrived.

25. Oh yeah!

26. Yep.

27. I am now the proud owner of a three-litre Mark One Ford Capri.

28. Is it a GT?

29. No, GXL.

30. - Why didn't you get a GT? - 'Cause this is better.

31. Not really.

32. Before I had a chance to argue, Clarkson arrived,

33. having already made a mistake.

34. What do you think of that?

35. Why have you bought a Lancia?

36. Because!

37. Twenty or so years ago, I used one to drive across Botswana,

38. and proved it was the ideal car for Africa.

39. But it broke down all the time.

40. Yes, it did.

41. But, that was front-engined.

42. This, mid-engined. It's a Montecarlo.

43. And I've made several modifications to suit the conditions.

44. Let me talk you through them, if I may.

45. At the back here,

46. 308 Ferrari tail lights.

47. They look good.

48. Quad tail pipes. Nice.

49. Delta Integrale wheels.

50. Delta Integrale headlamps and grill.

51. And then, Lotus Blue paintwork.

52. Wow. Does any of that make it more reliable?

53. And you know we've been doing this for...

54. 112 years.

55. Yeah, 112 years. I've learned a few lessons.

56. So, inside,

57. I have replaced the leather seats, which get hot, with cloth seats.

58. Yes.

59. And a sort of Alcantara racing steering wheel.

60. And, if you look down there,

61. I've removed the glove box and replaced it with...

62. Is that a fridge? Yes.

63. For my cold beverages. For my zesty drink fridge.

64. Wow. That is actually quite good.

65. Does any of that make it more reliable?

66. No, but I'll be more comfortable.

67. You will have a cold drink whilst you wait at the side of the road.

68. It makes the many breakdowns more bearable.

69. No, it's pretty. It is absolutely breathtaking.

70. It's beautiful.

71. I've modified my Capri too, before shipping it here.

72. Have you? I've painted the bonnet black.

73. Because, look at it, it's beautiful.

74. - Is it a GT? - No, GXL.

75. - Why didn't you get a GT? 'Cause this is better.

76. - It isn't. Well, it is. It's like a GT,

77. which is good, but with more, which is better.

78. Mm-hmm. - What?

79. I remember that from the GXL

80. 'cause they had put the wood-look dashboard in it.

81. Correct.

82. - We've discussed this in the past. - We have.

83. The GT is for sport, the GXL is for meetings.

84. This is exactly right. You need to understand your Ford-badge hierarchy.

85. My dad had a GXL Cortina because he was a managing director.

86. My dad had a GXL Cortina.

87. - Both of your... Manager?

88. Yeah. - Both of your dads, powerful,

89. influential men who picked from the very top of the tree.

90. - And you know...

91. You know how it's almost become a running joke,

92. my stereo has never worked...

93. Yeah.

94. On any one of these trips we've done. Well, this time, it does.

95. Bear with. Wait for the lyrics.

96. I used to be a DJ, I can do this. Here they come. Now.

97. "Mark One Ford Capri." Voilà.

98. "Got everything I need." Which it has because it's a GXL.

99. - I do like a Capri. You've got to, it's the law.

100. Everybody likes a Capri.

101. - Modifications, James, to your Stag? - None.

102. What? - None whatsoever.

103. Why would you? - Wait a minute.

104. You're not telling me it's still got the original engine?

105. It has.

106. Mr Clarkson raises a good point there!

107. It's not every single Stag,

108. but most Stags, I would guess, have had the original engine taken out

109. and the Rover V8 put in.

110. Yes. - Which is more reliable.

111. Yeah. The original Triumph Stag V8 is incredible

112. because it's found so many ways of overheating

113. and destroying itself, 'cause it's not just one.

114. Casting sand left in the blocks fills the galleyways and then, bang, overheats.

115. They overbored it. They bored it out which made all the waterways smaller.

116. - So it overheats and goes back. - Yeah. That's two ways.

117. The clever thing is, two banks of cylinders.

118. Yeah. - V8.

119. They only put a temperature sender on one bank.

120. So at least you don't know when it's overheating.

121. So if the other bank overheated, the first you'd know of it was the bang.

122. - If you're on an aeroplane. - Yeah.

123. Being piloted directly at some mountains.

124. Would you want to know? - Actually, probably not.

125. Why would you wanna know?

126. You're having your gin and tonic, watching a movie, having a nice time...

127. Boom. Nothing...

128. I don't wanna raise that submarine, 'cause that's sick. They didn't know!

129. At least it's the last programme we'll ever do!

130. - Well, I mean... - We don't give a anymore!

131. How much solace did we take from the fact that they didn't know?

132. It was, "Oh, we're having a nice time under the sea..." Boom.

133. Yeah, exactly.

134. You can write, call us, by all means, to complain.

135. But you'll get a recorded message saying:

136. "We are not interested in your call."

137. Or simply dial 0800 Bugger Off.

138. "We're not here anymore!"

139. We're not even there!

140. We can say whatever we want.

141. How do you open the bonnet on this?

142. Round this side. - Look at the wear on that handle.

143. It's worn the badge off with the picture of a bonnet over it.

144. - Pull it from the middle. - Shit, it is the original Triumph engine.

145. That's a rarity.

146. Ladies and gentlemen, come and look. It's the last time you're gonna see that.

147. Original but still shit.

148. Oh wait, a text.

149. - Oh, Mr Wilman. Oh.

150. Oh, Lord.

151. "Now that you've charged your electric cars, report to South Mimms Services."

152. He doesn't know we're here.

153. He doesn't, no, he doesn't!

154. And it doesn't matter anyway, because, actually,

155. we've already worked out a challenge on our own.

156. We are currently on the far eastern side of Zimbabwe,

157. and we're gonna travel 1,200 miles to the far western side.

158. And that's it.

159. That's it!

160. - Just one thing still concerns me. - What?

161. Mountains? All that.

162. Well, I'm not worried because, let's not forget,

163. this spawned the 037 Lancia,

164. which was the last two-wheel-drive car to win the World Rally Championship,

165. beating the Audi Quattro.

166. There wasn't a lot of that in it, was there?

167. Well...

168. What they actually did was they said we can make this the basis

169. of a fantastic rally car with a few modifications,

170. and they cut the badge off there,

171. and then everything from there backwards was new.

172. With no further ado, we fired up our fifty-year-old sports cars

173. and set off to cross the rugged heart of Africa.

174. So, for the last time...

175. here we go.

176. This is the perfect car for me to take on this trip.

177. My first car was nearly a Capri.

178. It was advertised in the local paper.

179. I kept the picture of it next to the till

180. in the petrol station where I worked in Ripon.

181. I was just coming on 18.

182. It was gonna be my first car. My parents were buying it for me.

183. But when we inspected it,

184. it turned out to have been stolen.

185. So I got an old 1976 Toyota Corolla instead.

186. For a trip like this, this car is perfect. It's light.

187. It's just a shade over a metric ton.

188. Plenty of grunt and power.

189. Three-litre Essex V6 up front. Rear-wheel drive.

190. Brakes. Pft... That's it!

191. I love that the rev counter says 1,000, 2,000, 3,000.

192. It doesn't work, but if it did, you'd see it indicated in thousands.

193. 'Cause that sounds better.

194. Back in the 80s, I never used to drive into Central London on the M4 motorway.

195. I always used the old Great West Road instead,

196. because on the Great West Road,

197. there was a car dealership called the Chequered Flag

198. and sometimes in the window, they'd have a Montecarlo.

199. And if there was one, I'd pull over and stare at it,

200. for hours, dreaming.

201. And now I'm in one.

202. And it's mine.

203. It's mine!

204. As for me, I had just one thing to say.

205. Triumph Stag.

206. Holy Moly, look at that view!

207. I don't know what it is but something

208. is making we want a cup of tea.

209. What—

210. What's that about?

211. Oh, you're joking.

212. Chaps? No other way to put this, I'm breaking down.

213. I'm sorry?

214. Oh. Well, this is exciting.

215. It's extraordinary because the Capri has the same number of moving parts

216. as this bottle of water.

217. How can you possibly break down in a Capri?

218. Oh, I know what that is. - What?

219. The engine's not working.

220. - I think it's the engine as well. - Yeah.

221. And we're experts. - Mine was the first bonnet to go up.

222. - What would we do in this situation? Well, let's think.

223. What would we normally do?

224. Lean on the car.

225. - That's very hot. Just for once.

226. Shall we change the habit of a lifetime?

227. - Yeah. And help him.

228. Yes, for once.

229. I'm gonna say... no.

230. Bye!

231. Still a bastard, after all these years.

232. Right, 15 miles we've done, and we're down to two men.

233. Oh! One thing.

234. It's not just the Ford that has its own music.

235. This does as well.

236. Time, I think, to treat myself to a little bit of Struggle Jennings

237. and "Monte Carlo". Here we go.

238. A few miles later, though,

239. a new instrument joined in with the rhythm section,

240. and it wasn't very rhythmical.

241. A little misfire there.

242. Misfire.

243. Misfire. Misfire. Cows.

244. This is just shit.

245. There's a big puff of smoke coming from your car now.

246. Oh, Christ Almighty.

247. Yeah...

248. Smoke, fire.

249. It's the engine.

250. Yeah. Hmm...

251. Yeah.

252. I'd love to help, but I don't know much

253. about the Italian Twin-Cam engines, and mine is working perfectly.

254. If you break down who's gonna leave you behind?

255. Well, that's my biggest worry. I'll have to leave myself behind.

256. Temperatures and pressures good.

257. Only one car is still going, a full 32 miles into the journey.

258. Stag.

259. Several miles back,

260. I'd managed to work out that the Capri's issue was the fuel pump.

261. Slight problem here.

262. I've never seen inside one of these when it is working

263. to know how it should look and how it should compare with when it isn't.

264. Meanwhile, I had deployed my genius

265. and already worked out how to solve the Lancia's problem.

266. This thing on the end was loose.

267. If I tighten that up,

268. that'll spark properly and the misfire will go away,

269. and the unburnt fuel will stop getting into the exhaust pipe

270. and catching fire and setting fire to my Lancia.

271. A ticking sound. What's that ticking?

272. As I am used to being electrocuted these days,

273. I used my genius again,

274. replaced the HT leads...

275. And soon, I was underway.

276. Oh! She purrs like a kitten.

277. Oh yes.

278. I set off in pursuit of James, not sure which was more surprising,

279. the quality of the road or the endlessly changing scenery.

280. These are pine trees!

281. In Africa.

282. We were literally on a tea plantation

283. and now there are pine trees.

284. If someone beamed me into there and said,

285. "Where are you in the world?" you'd say Scotland.

286. By the time I caught up with James...

287. James May!

288. He was in the foothills of the mountains,

289. where the lovely road soon became a dirt track.

290. Well, I knew that was too good to last.

291. Dust, dust.

292. Agh!

293. My mouth is filling with dust.

294. But then I remembered that for the first time ever,

295. we were in control of our destiny.

296. Stop. Stop whenever we want. Mr Wilman's not here. Brilliant.

297. No point driving beyond... Well, it's four o'clock now.

298. A few miles later, we saw a sign to some lodgings,

299. dropped Hammond a pin,

300. and decided to knock off for the day.

301. I don't imagine this'll be the best hotel in the world.

302. I mean, we are in the middle of Zimbabwe,

303. in the middle of a forest on top of a mountain.

304. But, you know...

305. Thankfully, I was wrong.

306. Very wrong.

307. It's even a perfect temperature, isn't it?

308. Hmm...

309. It's pretty special, isn't it? It's not bad.

310. You see those mountains there, the far ones? They're Mozambique.

311. There was always a reason why we couldn't come to Zimbabwe.

312. All those years we were at the BBC,

313. you couldn't come here because the BBC was banned.

314. Yeah.

315. 'Cause if you think about today, we got up in a very agreeable place.

316. Mm-hmm. - Drove on a very agreeable road.

317. - Yep. To a very agreeable hotel.

318. It's better than Mr Wilman's idea, isn't it?

319. Why have we listened to him all these years?

320. I don't know.

321. Although he will argue that, without his presence,

322. two of the cars went wrong within the first 25 miles.

323. That, then, got us nattering about our cars' stats.

324. I was quite surprised how much we paid.

325. You paid, James May, as I'm sure you know, 26,500 pounds.

326. I did.

327. Richard Hammond, for his GXL, the wrong Capri, 25,000 pounds.

328. - Really? 25 for a GXL.

329. For a knackered Capri?

330. - Montecarlo. - Mm-hmm?

331. 79,050.

332. - Bargain. That is a bargain.

333. Ours are 0 to 60, in give or take nine seconds.

334. Hammond's, give or take eight seconds.

335. - Well, not at the moment. No.

336. Happily, I was now on the move.

337. But on the dirt road, I was starting to worry

338. that the Capri hadn't been the wisest choice.

339. Ah!

340. That was a bit groundy-outy.

341. With hindsight,

342. I should have gone for something with better ground clearance

343. than a 1974 three-litre Ford Capri Mark One GXL.

344. And that would include pretty much anything, as it turns out.

345. I think it's time for me to just clear the windscreen a bit.

346. Oh. Oh no, that... Oh.

347. Ow!

348. - Oh.

349. Er, I've just removed my exhaust.

350. And there is literally nothing I can do about that right now.

351. Predictably, when I finally arrived,

352. my colleagues were brimming with sympathy.

353. We stopped work at four o'clock.

354. - Did you? Yes.

355. In the sunshine, at four o'clock. It was quite warm then. Less so now.

356. - We've had eight of these. - Yeah. Can I have one of those?

357. They've just run out. Have they?

358. It's incredible. Right.

359. He's gone to the shops. Unfortunately, they're 30 miles away.

360. After not having a beer...

361. Hammond ruined the nocturnal African soundtrack...

362. Ooh!

363. By noisily sorting out his exhaust.

364. And the next morning,

365. James ruined the dawn chorus by turning into Mrs Overall.

366. Morning. - Morning.

367. Erm, how empty does your mind have to be for you to think

368. "I could look at the view and listen to the birdsong

369. but instead I'm going to vacuum my car"?

370. I've been up for four hours, looked at the view and listened to the birdsong,

371. and now I've made this thing of beauty more beautiful.

372. - Ooh, hang on, sorry.

373. Guess what?

374. - A text from Mr Wilman. Go on.

375. Ooh, he's cross.

376. - Has he rumbled us? - I think so.

377. "Right. I've just found out you've taken three classic cars to Zimbabwe.

378. And as it's fairly certain one of them will break down..."

379. - Oh dear. Yep.

380. "I've asked my local contacts to send you a backup car."

381. Really?

382. Gotta be.

383. Oh...

384. Oh, God.

385. Oh!

386. Oh, shit!

387. It's awful!

388. Is it? I haven't seen one for years, actually.

389. It is... - It's a vase.

390. Oh, I forgot about the vase.

391. You're supposed to put a little flower in it because you're a hippie.

392. Well, I'll tell you what. You know that village just coming five miles back?

393. - Yeah? - Why don't I take this into the village

394. and I'll sell it or give it away? I'll get rid of it.

395. Yes, get rid.

396. Do you want something to put over your head?

397. It's the definition of hateful.

398. Just round the corner, though, things went terribly wrong.

399. Hammond, I am in a right old pickle here.

400. What's happened?

401. I've had the most extraordinary accident, okay?

402. I lost it, and I've ended up here on this cliff edge.

403. Look. Oh yeah.

404. And it gets worse. A brick is now on the accelerator,

405. the engine's screaming away, it's in gear,

406. it's in first,

407. and there's a broom handle holding the clutch pedal down

408. 'cause it's wedged against the seat.

409. Wait, so everything's okay?

410. Well, yes. Except, somehow, God knows where it came from,

411. a bit of rope has attached itself at one end

412. to the broom handle and at the other end to that dog.

413. Jesus!

414. Now, at the moment, the situation is stable.

415. But, over there,

416. as you can see, James May is opening a tin of dog food.

417. Now, if the dog sees that,

418. we're in a world of trouble.

419. And I just don't know what to do.

420. I can't think of a solution.

421. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've got a plan.

422. No, it won't work.

423. Have you got anything?

424. I've got nothing.

425. Don't notice James May. Don't notice James. Look at me.

426. No, don't. Look at me.

427. Oh no!

428. It's still going, isn't it?

429. It's still going!

430. I think it's finished.

431. That's quite a big accident.

432. Well, look at it this way. At least Mr Wilman now has his trailer.

433. We didn't need Mr Wilman's wretched backup car anyway,

434. because we'd brought our own.

435. And here it is, a Rover SD1 Vanden Plas EFi.

436. 190 horsepower of golden glory.

437. It is golden glory. And it's golden glory everywhere.

438. Oh it is, yes.

439. Whoever resprayed this did a magnificent job.

440. - Yeah. - He didn't just spray the body.

441. Even the aerial there. I have covered this car.

442. But it is still magnificent.

443. It's the only time we've had a backup car that we'd like to be in.

444. We all like it. My grandfather had one of these.

445. My dad had one. Two, in fact.

446. There was one of them in one drive on a suburban street in Birmingham.

447. And we would go silent as we walked past it out of respect.

448. And, the really good thing is, from your point of view,

449. the engine from this,

450. as we know because almost every Stag owner in the world has already done it,

451. fits perfectly into your car.

452. Can I suggest a modification that you and I, Jeremy, make to this car?

453. Mm-hmm?

454. A little padlock on the bonnet.

455. Just so that... We'll have the key.

456. When you need the engine, which you will, ask.

457. Or we could find the man who did this bit of welding.

458. It's beautiful. Ooh, that's good.

459. And weld the bonnet shut.

460. - Actually, that's probably the factory.

461. Yeah, probably how it came out of Longbridge!

462. "I think I'll finish that now, hey."

463. "You can't see it. Look. Gone."

464. With Golden Glory taking up the rear,

465. we set off west once more in our quest to get over the mountains.

466. Hey, look at this. These are road-repair people

467. but they're having an impromptu sort of dance-club thing.

468. I wish road workers back at home did that.

469. But I suppose they'd have to be there to start with, wouldn't they?

470. It's going down a bit now.

471. Having done a bit of paddling, we started to climb.

472. And the incredible Zimbabwean landscape changed once again.

473. Look at that, meadows. You expect to see cows with bells on them.

474. And Julie Andrews, giving it "Doe A Deer" and all the rest of it.

475. So we've done tea plantation

476. and now we're in Austria.

477. Then, it changed again.

478. What? Hold on a minute.

479. To my right,

480. the most spectacular valley I've ever seen in my life.

481. To my left...

482. Ireland.

483. I know what happened.

484. God had done all the other countries in the world

485. and he'd got to the end of the alphabet, he got to Z,

486. he got to Zimbabwe,

487. and he thought, right, this is gonna be my best work,

488. this is gonna be my greatest hits.

489. You've got "Your Song", "Tiny Dancer", "Bennie and the Jets".

490. It's stunning.

491. And it just changes all the time.

492. Sadly, in my low-slung Capri, I couldn't look at the view

493. because I was too busy looking at the road surface.

494. They didn't drive Capris this way in The Professionals, as I recall.

495. It was all a bit more lively.

496. I'm enjoying this. It's fun. You know, it's what I wanna do.

497. Oh my God, look at that one.

498. I was suffering none of Hammond's problems

499. because my little Lancia had been a sensible choice.

500. This really is the ideal car for rough-road African exploration

501. because the engine is behind me,

502. so there's no prop shaft, there are no exhausts,

503. there's nothing to snag on the road surface.

504. I could therefore push on at a respectable lick...

505. until something did snag on the road surface.

506. - Oh. F-hell.

507. That was a big one.

508. What is that?

509. These are bits of Lancia. Oh, joy!

510. Thank you, thank you. I needed that.

511. I do need that. Thank you.

512. Oh...

513. Do you not want us to go down the front?

514. No, there's nothing to see at the front of my car.

515. Because there's no front of your car!

516. But this is all I need.

517. With a bit of superglue. 'Cause we're tenting tonight.

518. Nothing to do when you're tenting other than glue your car back together.

519. We continued onwards.

520. - Oh, God.

521. Wow, that was a thumb breaker.

522. And then, once again, we stopped continuing onwards.

523. - Oh,

524. Oh no.

525. I think my exhaust has come off again.

526. Having a spot of bother, sir?

527. That is an extended exhaust system.

528. Very low. You'll catch that on the ground if you're not careful.

529. Why can't you just drive up the road like the rest of us are?

530. I can't drive with it like that. I need to remove it.

531. Have you played your Capri music, would that cheer you up?

532. "It's got everything I need except the exhaust pipe."

533. I need, I'm gonna say, a 11 mm spanner.

534. Oh, now, hang on.

535. I've got some antibiotics,

536. for something I don't have any more.

537. I don't think... I've got this, Hammond.

538. - Bernie Taupin's autobiography. - I've heard that's really good.

539. Very good. I'm reading it. Would that help you?

540. I don't think it would actually help, no.

541. I'm gonna say, again, 11 mm spanner.

542. What's particularly irritating is

543. this car was in brilliant condition when I bought it.

544. Yes! I mean, genuinely.

545. Low blow. Very good.

546. That was a bit harsh! But I can't deny it's true.

547. It was, yeah, until then.

548. Eager to reach the top of the mountain before nightfall,

549. we left our colleague behind.

550. Honestly, if Richard Hammond was a block of flats, he'd be condemned.

551. ! Come on!

552. Further ahead, the climb was starting to get so tough

553. you'd think twice about taking a Land Rover up it,

554. leave alone a brittle Italian sports car.

555. Oh, God, bloody stone there.

556. We started at 6,000 feet. We must be pushing 7,000 or 8,000 now.

557. Agh! I can't even get it into second. It's so steep.

558. I mean, the fact of the matter is, if you drive relentlessly uphill

559. in first gear

560. at the beginning of the African summer,

561. a car is likely to overheat. And it is...

562. Oh my God.

563. Right. Erm, I fixed it.

564. Well, when I say "fixed", quite a lot of it...

565. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry...

566. We're back on the road now, Essex.

567. Let's go.

568. Ooh.

569. Get you to camp this evening.

570. We can have a nice old session putting you right.

571. Oof!

572. Whilst Hammond was missing another sunset,

573. James and I reached the summit of the mountain and decided, yet again,

574. that we'd had enough for the day.

575. - Cheers. - Cheers.

576. Oh. That's nice.

577. And after enjoying a refreshing golden-hour beer,

578. I set about reassembling the Lancia's face.

579. This is like watching a dog try to learn a card trick.

580. A little bit of glue and this is literally as good as new.

581. By the time Hammond reached our campsite,

582. it was completely dark.

583. Oh... Right.

584. This is the most woeful arrival!

585. 22 years. You'd think we'd know how to do it. But no.

586. Here he comes.

587. With one and a half headlamps!

588. Essex is here!

589. Hammond, however, wasn't the only one having problems.

590. Were you having a nice moment?

591. Well, no, I'm not having a very nice moment.

592. No, he's glued his finger to the table.

593. I've glued myself to the table with superglue.

594. Yeah?

595. How do you drive a Lancia Montecarlo

596. when you've got a table glued to your finger?

597. Are you going to glue... Oh, I see!

598. You could slide a razor blade

599. between your finger and the table. It's a bit risky.

600. Can you? Yeah.

601. But very carefully. Would you like me to do it for you?

602. James, he's glued the tip of his finger.

603. No, my fingerprint.

604. Well, it's the sort of pad.

605. So if you cut it at the first joint...

606. Thank you, Hammond. - Have I misunderstood?

607. Then we could graft a biro onto it.

608. Lovely. - Then he'd always have a pen.

609. Or a bottle opener!

610. - I'm not listening to you.

611. Replace it with a corkscrew!

612. Opener o'nuckle.

613. "Oh, brilliant."

614. Doink.

615. This is the first time I've ever glued anything to anything, ever.

616. I'll get this off. Can we just cut, please?

617. - Yeah, I can cut. - Ooh. Interesting.

618. - I can cut. - Give me that. Give me that.

619. It's Mark Sowerman's new knife. He's very, very proud of it.

620. Yes, I'm not interested. - It's incredibly sharp.

621. Good.

622. How sharp is... Ooh.

623. Yes, it's... "Ooh", it is.

624. Ah, but look how much... Ah-ha, this is working!

625. Do we look like one of those Dutch paintings with businessmen in big hats?

626. It's working. It's working.

627. Look. This is in the trailer.

628. Definitely.

629. Look at that! Yes! There you go!

630. A grown man unglued his finger from the table.

631. Mark? I've glued your knife to the table.

632. The next morning, after a terrible and cold night under canvas,

633. I proudly showed off my workmanship.

634. Look how well a job I've done there.

635. I thought you'd got a new part from a shop.

636. Where is the repair? The brackets that hold it on.

637. - Yes? - They're brok-ed.

638. So I need to find some place where I can buy

639. basically new brackets and bolts and things to get it fastened back on again.

640. I feel I ought to apologise, viewers, for having a slightly boring car.

641. The others spend their evenings, you know, putting exhaust pipes back on,

642. making a jigsaw puzzle out of a front bumper.

643. All I can really do is give mine a bit of a clean.

644. Still, at least we were now going downhill.

645. And soon, things got even better.

646. Oh yes.

647. Look at this.

648. Look at it.

649. Oh!

650. There is a God.

651. And God has provided tarmac.

652. It's good 'cause now we're on a road we can actually look at...

653. Why did my windscreen wipers go on then?

654. What this meant is we'd crossed the Irish Alps

655. and entered actual Africa.

656. It's completely changed again, the terrain.

657. Look at that.

658. Jesus wept, it's pretty.

659. We're on a Star Trek set now. Oh, look at the red...

660. Look at that acacia with the red flowers.

661. And then we saw something even better.

662. Ooh!

663. I love a scrapyard.

664. We pulled in to see if they had the spare parts we needed.

665. But soon we were distracted by all the treasures.

666. This is a very good test of our motoring knowledge.

667. Is that a Cresta behind that?

668. I think it is. A Cresta shooting brake.

669. Shooting brake.

670. As my mother always used to call them.

671. In what special did you drive one of these?

672. - Bolivia! Yeah! He's right.

673. He's remembered something!

674. That genuinely is worth restoring.

675. It's gorgeous. Hey, look at this one.

676. - That's an Austin Cambridge! - It is indeed an Austin Cambridge.

677. With writing. What's that? RSR.

678. That means it was when this was Rhodesia.

679. Oh, is that what it means? - Yeah, so that's been off the road

680. - a long time. That's been there a while.

681. Excuse me? Are you trying to make this go?

682. Yeah.

683. Yes? - Nearly there.

684. Good luck. - Nearly there.

685. Yeah, nearly there.

686. Erm, you may think it's a joke.

687. The best-selling car in Zimbabwe

688. in the sort of 60s was...?

689. Where do they... It was French.

690. - Four, Renault Four. Oh!

691. - There is one over there. - Yes, there, look.

692. Yeah, Renault Four. Do you know what the 5th best-selling car was?

693. - The Lancia Montecarlo? - It wasn't a Lancia Montecarlo, was it?

694. - Close. - I'll bet it was an Alfa Romeo.

695. Alfa Romeo Giulia.

696. Was it?

697. - That's 'cause they made them here. - They made them in South Africa.

698. In South Africa, rather, yeah. - And a friend of mine's dad

699. ran the Ford factory in Harare.

700. And they used to smuggle parts of Alfas

701. out of South Africa

702. and then build Alfas in the Ford factory and sell them!

703. - As Alfas? - Yeah, as Alfas.

704. But they also used to build them in the French factories here.

705. There were Alfa Romeos running here that Alfa Romeo didn't know they'd built.

706. But all the VIN numbers would be wrong.

707. VIN numbers, VIN numbers!

708. I'm just saying.

709. Annoyingly, the scrapyard didn't have any bumper mounts

710. for a Lancia Montecarlo

711. or exhaust brackets for a 1974 Capri GXL.

712. So Hammond decided to bodge another repair,

713. while I took the roof off my Montecarlo.

714. The air con is just useless. Is it?

715. Honestly, it's like being in the Black Hole of Calcutta in there.

716. You can't say that.

717. Er... - Why not?

718. I just don't think you can.

719. Well, all right, if you object to me saying the "Black Hole of Calcutta"...

720. I don't object to it. - Not you.

721. I'm talking to the ladies and gentlemen at home. If anybody wants to write in

722. and say they object to that, you go right ahead.

723. I'm gone. I'm done.

724. Can you just pull the lever? - Dial...

725. It's 0800 Off Sod.

726. Off Sod. And then you'll get a recorded message saying:

727. - "We do not value your call." - Yes, "Your call is not important to us."

728. "Your call... Your..."

729. Just pull the lever again 'cause there's another little latch bit here.

730. - Here? - Yeah.

731. Look!

732. Yes, there you go. The thing has disintegrated.

733. How did you make...? And then what happens?

734. Well, I think...

735. Well, why does that bit...?

736. That doesn't... But how does that...

737. But why does that bit unlatch then?

738. Do these now just clip back... Oh wait. If that goes...

739. Do you think this goes under? I do.

740. - Like that? Yeah.

741. Well, to stop... Oh, I see. Oh.

742. Ah! There. No.

743. - But nearly. - But possibly.

744. - There you go. - Do you think that's...?

745. And in just 24 minutes,

746. we've converted the Lancia Montecarlo into a convertible.

747. James, thank you for your help.

748. We then had a gossip about our colleague.

749. Captain Exhaust Pipe is going to attempt,

750. apparently, to put straight-through exhausts.

751. - Oh really? - Out of the side of the car.

752. So he'll have basically like stacks, like a Kenworth truck.

753. Well, I've got a suggestion.

754. We leave him behind. - Yes, exactly.

755. I also don't like people with tattoos.

756. These fully-grown men go and draw on themselves.

757. I've noticed. It's the name of his programme he does.

758. The Smallest Cog. He's had his television...

759. Well, what happens when that gets canned?

760. I mean, what if I'd had Top Gear tattooed on my arm?

761. Yes, exactly.

762. He'll have to cross it out and write

763. "I'm appearing as Buttons at Swindon Wyvern."

764. - Yeah, which is a lot of work. - Which he will be, one day.

765. - Write "Buttons." - Or maybe just "Buttons," yeah.

766. - Put it there, really. Buttons!

767. After this, the Ghosts of Christmas Future set off.

768. - See you, Hammond. - Yeah.

769. Bye.

770. Happy travels.

771. While Hammond banged and clanged away,

772. James and I headed towards the capital city of Harare.

773. And now we were on tarmac, we made good time getting there.

774. I'm gonna miss driving through cities like this.

775. God, they're colourful and fun.

776. Check out the policeman, James.

777. Look at him! He's magnificent!

778. Is he having any effect at all on the traffic?

779. No, but he cheers everybody up immensely.

780. As we headed for the city centre, we came across a market.

781. A big one.

782. Jesus, this is enormous.

783. Okay!

784. And soon, I had an idea.

785. Right, as this is the last time we ever work together,

786. shall we see if we can help Richard Hammond

787. and see if we can actually buy him an exhaust pipe for his car?

788. Yeah, okay, why not.

789. To speed up the shopping, I fired up another modification,

790. my on board public-address system.

791. Does anybody have an exhaust system for a Ford Capri

792. Mark One three-litre GXL?

793. On the left, exhaust systems.

794. Oh yes.

795. Do you think any of them will fit a Mark One V6 GXL?

796. I expect they'll fit as well as the ones that are currently on there.

797. And on that point, many miles back...

798. Like a glove.

799. Sidewinder! Yeah!

800. That sounds even better!

801. Road Warrior coming through. Oh yeah.

802. We were now on foot as we searched for an exhaust.

803. Shock-absorbers shop, look.

804. Shocks and springs.

805. Tail lights.

806. - They have got your names in the paper. Huh?

807. They have got your names in the paper.

808. Oh shit.

809. We're in the paper? Oh wow!

810. We are literally front-page news.

811. "Top Gear legends."

812. - Yeah, look. - Here we are again.

813. You see, "Superstars who they made their name in Top Gear..."

814. and then blew it.

815. "The most recognisable figures when it comes to motoring on television."

816. That's a narrow band.

817. Look, this is getting more promising.

818. I think it's fair to say that if our colleague had known

819. we were exhaust shopping, he'd have been very grateful.

820. Okay, I'll be honest, had enough now.

821. Darkness had fallen by the time I arrived at our peaceful boutique hotel.

822. Chaps!

823. - Well done! Have you had a rotten day?

824. Aw! Thank you. - I've got you a beer.

825. But I think more important than that...

826. And yes, it is a correct set, look.

827. - For the GXL. - It is for the GXL.

828. - I don't wanna be... - Not the GT.

829. - Is this a cruel joke? No.

830. - Really? Yeah.

831. Oh, my God!

832. Look what that means!

833. - Feel that. - Quiet.

834. It means you're getting no sleep tonight.

835. Oh, I don't care!

836. Hammond, it doesn't stop there.

837. What? - It doesn't stop there.

838. This is embarrassing now but I'm very grateful.

839. Oh, my Lord.

840. - Oh, my Lord! That's a rear spoiler.

841. - Not just any rear spoiler. - No, but a Richard Grant rear...

842. - You remember Richard Grant spoilers? The actor?

843. No, well...

844. That's the thing, the Richard Grant spoilers were on XR2s

845. all through the 70s and 80s.

846. Turns out Richard E. Grant, who did Withnail and I...

847. - He did! He did. He then started

848. a car accessory business.

849. But because he didn't want to damage his acting career,

850. he dropped the "E".

851. Chaps, er,

852. this is genuinely all spectacular news and I'm very, very happy.

853. So you can fit that tonight.

854. I feel terrible. I haven't got you any...

855. Of course you haven't got me anything.

856. I haven't got you any gifts.

857. When have you ever, you two, ever bought me...

858. You bought me a shit oil painting in Vietnam.

859. - It was lovely! Shit.

860. And you've never bought me anything.

861. - Have I never bought you anything? Never.

862. - Have I never bought you a gift? No!

863. I bought you a galleon in Vietnam to put on your motorcycle.

864. That night, we polished our cars,

865. did all the necessary repairs...

866. And then met up for the sort of breakfast Mr Wilman never provided.

867. Is that my coffee?

868. Yes.

869. - You ordered me a coffee? - Yes.

870. It's nearly a present.

871. - Hey. - What.

872. I went to the bar last night.

873. - Yeah? - Got talking to a man.

874. And I bought this from him.

875. - What is it? - Silver.

876. Actual silver.

877. Is it? Nuggets of it, yes.

878. 60 cents a gram.

879. 'Cause, turns out, you know we've been driving along...

880. On the surface there's all the fruit and crops and so on.

881. - Yeah. - Bread basket of Africa.

882. Dig down...

883. Gold, silver, manganese, lithium,

884. diamonds, coal, iron ore.

885. So you're ploughing a field to get your pineapples in,

886. or your tea or your bananas or whatever it might be,

887. and there's just diamonds and lithium.

888. - Jewels. - Yeah, jewels and lithium and cobalt

889. just pouring out.

890. And I was thinking, you know people when they go on...

891. Well, we go on these trips, we always go home with a stupid souvenir.

892. Well, instead of buying some crappy nonsense,

893. why don't we get some silver?

894. - 60 cents? 60 cents!

895. A gram? - A gram.

896. We then rushed immediately into town and went shopping.

897. And we didn't hold back.

898. So this is 45 kilograms of silver.

899. The best souvenir ever. I know.

900. We could have gone back with an awful painting of a sunset.

901. This is going to affect my weight distribution, I've gotta be honest.

902. This is gonna add to the downforce from my wing.

903. I'm just trying to work out how much that cost.

904. Not a lot, according to you.

905. - Well, it's sixty cents a gram. Yes.

906. But we got a discount on the quantity. And then the change he gave me was this.

907. So I paid in US...

908. What is that?

909. - 50... 50 million? - Mm-hmm.

910. 50 million dollars.

911. When they had really big hyperinflation, it was a million percent, wasn't it?

912. Something like that, yeah.

913. And at one point, I think with a 50 million-dollar note,

914. it was cheaper to wipe your bottom with this

915. than it was to use one single sheet of lavatory paper.

916. It was actually cheaper? - 'Cause that was more valuable.

917. That's why if people ordered a coffee, they paid for it when they got it

918. rather than after they'd drunk it 'cause it would have gone up.

919. - Anyway. Enough financial matters.

920. - So we've got 45 kilograms of silver... - Yes.

921. And 50 million dollars.

922. We are in a good place.

923. Having fired up our fully repaired silver machines,

924. we headed out of town,

925. fairly convinced that no city on earth gives better avenue.

926. Those purple trees are breathtaking.

927. Are these really Jacaranda trees?

928. Yeah, they are. Look at that. They're beautiful.

929. Oh, look at this.

930. That's the most beautiful avenue of trees I think I've ever seen.

931. With Jeremy on map-reading duties,

932. we headed due west on a rather brilliant ribbon of tarmac.

933. The road is good, scenery is good,

934. things are good.

935. For hours, the journey was completely trouble-free.

936. And it continued to be trouble-free till I stopped to check the map.

937. Then it wasn't trouble-free any more.

938. Shit.

939. Wherefore have you stopped?

940. Good news. - Go on.

941. Good news. Very good news.

942. Er, I know exactly which road we're on.

943. - There is some bad news. - Yes.

944. It's the wrong road.

945. What's happened? We're on the wrong road.

946. Who said they knew where they were going? Oh, I know.

947. - Er, was it... I... - It wasn't you.

948. - No, it was like another voice. - And it wasn't me, was it?

949. Let's not get bogged down in who turned left and who turned right.

950. - It was you. - It was me.

951. So, you've got us on the wrong road leaving Harare.

952. We should be heading west. We're not. We're heading north.

953. - Show me. - We face a choice. We can either

954. go all the way back to Harare.

955. - No.

956. And take that turning, which we should have done.

957. - Okay. Or...

958. If we keep heading north and then...

959. - On the wrong road. - Yeah.

960. If we keep heading north, we will eventually get to the Zambezi, okay?

961. Which is the border with Zambia.

962. Big river. Can't miss it.

963. Hang a left, we know we're going west.

964. Well, 'cause the river goes like that and the road goes like that.

965. So, there we are.

966. Having processed the fact that instead of doing this,

967. we'd been doing this,

968. we soldiered on.

969. I think we'll make it to the Zambezi by nightfall.

970. We could camp by the Zambezi.

971. How cool would that be?

972. But then...

973. the tarmac ran out.

974. Oh no!

975. Oh please, don't let this be washboard. Oh God!

976. It is!

977. Oh!

978. Chaps, it's about 40 miles to the river now, 40 miles.

979. - 14 miles? No, no, James.

980. 40 miles, four zero miles.

981. 40?

982. Yes, I'm afraid that's about the sum of it, yes.

983. They're never gonna hold together.

984. - Oh, that was a really bad bit.

985. Oh, wait, I'm stopping. What?

986. Chaps, er, I'm breaking down.

987. It's okay, mine's fine.

988. Oh no... I smell fuel.

989. First job is put something white on

990. because the tsetse flies are attracted to blue and black.

991. Oh, shit!

992. All my petrol is falling out.

993. Oh no, that's bad.

994. This is the fuel pipe, and this is the fuel.

995. That's your— Thank you.

996. - Well... - What I could do...

997. - Is petrol coming out of your hot car? - Yeah.

998. Is this a good idea?

999. Yeah. Thank you.

1000. Would one of you fancy standing here with their finger on the end of this?

1001. Not really. No.

1002. Just try to explain so I can understand.

1003. It's come off.

1004. The line from the petrol tank up to the engine goes to there...

1005. So there must be a pipe from... Has it just snapped?

1006. No, it's come undone. Why are you helping him?

1007. I want him to survive otherwise we can't see him as Buttons in the pantomime.

1008. Oh, please!

1009. Stop it with the Buttons!

1010. Oh no we won't.

1011. How long before he is appearing as Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern?

1012. - One year. Please, stop!

1013. No, I think he's got enough pride to make him last two years.

1014. So this one goes out in 2024, this programme,

1015. so I think it'll be 2025.

1016. Possibly Guildford.

1017. God, I'm soaked in petrol!

1018. Guildford's quite a big theatre, though.

1019. I know... I think the Swindon Wyvern is where he's gonna be.

1020. It's about 200 people.

1021. The cast, here it is.

1022. Ainsley Harriott, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,

1023. Julian Clary, Richard Hammond.

1024. That is a star-studded line-up.

1025. "Gloria Hunniford and, it is a lot of 'and', Richard Hammond..."

1026. "As Buttons!"

1027. "Following his illustrious career travelling the globe."

1028. Will it say "TV's Richard Hammond"?

1029. "TV's", yeah!

1030. Because he's done enough programmes for him to be "TV's Richard Hammond."

1031. I tell you, Hammond, we're gonna come and see you.

1032. I'm gonna say... - On your first night,

1033. there will be two elderly gentlemen in the front row.

1034. Every night.

1035. I mean, I hate panto but I'm going to that one.

1036. Think of the Premier Inn reward points you're going to get.

1037. Oh God!

1038. With the Sunday matinee, you can have the carvery special.

1039. Predicting that this wouldn't be the last time

1040. we'd be standing around a broken Capri,

1041. I went to put on my anti-tsetse fly shirt.

1042. And then, I spotted something in the undergrowth.

1043. Ooh, hello. Ooh!

1044. I've got a bonnet ornament, guys.

1045. Remember on the old Lancia?

1046. Oh wow.

1047. Look at that.

1048. That's brilliant. - I know.

1049. Eventually, Buttons was back on the road.

1050. I'm just checking my fuel gauge. I lost a fair bit.

1051. And then, with 30 miles to go,

1052. the washboard became so vicious...

1053. Oh!

1054. It even started to play havoc

1055. with the normally bulletproof Stag.

1056. The windscreen wipers randomly come on.

1057. Stop it, windscreen wipers!

1058. Stop wiping the windscreen, you stupid rubber bastards!

1059. It was as if the washboard,

1060. our nemesis for the last 20 years,

1061. knew it was its last chance to break us.

1062. - Ooh!

1063. It's on full... Christ, what the hell's happened here?

1064. I have no throttle control.

1065. Yeah, my foot's not on the accelerator now

1066. and we're just driving along.

1067. I've put it under the accelerator to lift it off.

1068. This has properly, properly started to break my Lancia...

1069. and me.

1070. Oh, God. Oh no!

1071. However, despite their great age,

1072. our cars held together until eventually...

1073. we reached the banks of the Zambezi.

1074. Oh God.

1075. Where Mother Nature had laid on quite a reception.

1076. It's not a bad spot.

1077. After dinner, we had a lovely pudding.

1078. Cheesecake.

1079. And, this being Zimbabwe...

1080. Now, would you like some gold on it?

1081. - Erm, yeah, I would actually. Oh, yes please.

1082. I got it when we were in Harare.

1083. The great thing about it as well is you do a golden turd the next day.

1084. - That's true. - And it becomes valuable.

1085. This is just extravagant. Thanks, Hammond.

1086. - I'm now worth more than I was. - May?

1087. Yes, please. 'Cause if you think about it,

1088. they grow everything here. And then you dig a hole in the ground

1089. for your pudding, which is gold.

1090. Hey, that gives me an idea.

1091. - Why don't we melt our silver? Hmm.

1092. And then we can make gift items to take home with us.

1093. Out of our souvenir silver?

1094. - Do you have to make a mould? Hmm.

1095. Are you proposing that we do craft?

1096. Well, what else can we do? It's 6:20.

1097. Drinking is going well.

1098. Yes, drinking's good. But eventually...

1099. you'll be wrestling a baboon. You always do that sort of thing.

1100. In a state of deep joy,

1101. James quickly built all that we needed to start smelting our silver.

1102. He is Victorian.

1103. Very happy. So happy.

1104. And two small drinks later, things were looking good.

1105. There you go, chaps. Look at that.

1106. Holy cow!

1107. So now we can make anything. Literally anything that we can cast.

1108. - Yes, so you make a hole in something. Yes?

1109. Pour that in, let it solidify.

1110. - And then you've got a thing in silver. Right!

1111. Come on, then. Gentlemen, let's get to work.

1112. I'll mend my throttle, then I'll make something silvery.

1113. Actually, no, I'll make the mould, put the silver in it, let it solidify.

1114. Exactly. - And while it's solidifying,

1115. I'll mend my throttle linkage.

1116. Welcome to a world of ordered thinking.

1117. The next morning,

1118. the banks of the Zambezi were carpeted with many different animals...

1119. and Roger Moore.

1120. Have you had that made?

1121. Yep.

1122. And whose measurements did you send?

1123. Jon Bon Jovi's. I was a little ambitious.

1124. You know how it is, when the doctor says, how many units of alcohol do you drink

1125. and when somebody says: "What are your measurements?"

1126. "Definitely thirty-inch waist, forty-inch chest." I lied.

1127. Have you noticed what he's done here?

1128. - Very flamboyant buttons. Buttons, yes.

1129. It's like he's easing himself into the role.

1130. Can we just move on from his sartorial faux pas?

1131. Isn't it magnificent?

1132. Is that what you made out of your silver?

1133. Oh, yeah. That's startling.

1134. Why has nobody... Well. I wonder why nobody's done that before.

1135. Your steering wheel's actually a solid-silver steering wheel!

1136. That's another £900,000.

1137. I mean, it does look pretty cool, doesn't it?

1138. But, talking of bling. Bonnet ornament.

1139. Is it the bonnet? It's not on the bonnet though.

1140. It is on— But you see— Ah, but it is the bonnet.

1141. This is at the back. Does it become an engine cover, not a bonnet?

1142. - You can't say "engine cover ornament". - No, you can't.

1143. I love it. It looks brilliant. I mean, look at that.

1144. That is an impala on a Montecarlo.

1145. So I'm basically a Chevrolet advertisement.

1146. Isn't it remarkable what makes sense in our world?

1147. - What? - That doesn't.

1148. I saw it as I looked up then. Check it out. Come on.

1149. Stuart Little spoiler, ladies and gentlemen.

1150. Oh, the width, yeah. That's all the silver I had.

1151. It's quite— It's Stuart Little spoiler!

1152. Anyway...

1153. we now have

1154. silver adornments

1155. to our cars.

1156. - Can I make a suggestion? Hmm?

1157. Keep the river on your right.

1158. It's not navigationally challenging, is it?

1159. Navigation is not a problem today.

1160. - And we know we are heading West. Yes.

1161. And we know if we keep heading West, we'll get to the other side of Zimbabwe.

1162. And we know we're gonna look good doing it!

1163. A big skid!

1164. A big skid on the Zambezi.

1165. That might be my last-ever televised skid.

1166. It's strange when you think about it,

1167. because everybody does everything in their life

1168. for the last time at some point.

1169. The last time you dive off a boat.

1170. The last time you kick a football.

1171. The last time you do sex.

1172. But you don't know, when you're doing it,

1173. that you're doing it for the last time.

1174. So I shall remember that skid.

1175. After a spirited morning drive...

1176. we got back on tarmac.

1177. Which had yellow lines and everything.

1178. This is like the Stelvio Pass.

1179. What a road!

1180. And the little Montecarlo was lapping it up.

1181. I've said it before,

1182. if you absolutely must do African exploration,

1183. you absolutely must have a Lancia.

1184. Oh, it's jumped out of gear.

1185. Oh, God, it's back in again.

1186. Still popping and banging nicely from the back. Can you hear that?

1187. Love that sound.

1188. And all you lot growing up today with your electric cars,

1189. you're never gonna hear it.

1190. There are lots of reasons why we're jacking this show in.

1191. But for me, one of the main ones is:

1192. I'm simply not interested in electric cars.

1193. They are just white goods.

1194. They're washing machines. They're microwave ovens.

1195. And you can't review those. You can't enjoy them.

1196. They are just shit.

1197. Chaps, I've done something for the first time in my life.

1198. Masturbated on television?

1199. No, it's worse. I've put on a pair of string-back driving gloves.

1200. Why have you done that?

1201. My silver-bling steering wheel is great.

1202. But now the sun's on it, it gets a bit hot.

1203. We carried on driving along the lovely road

1204. until the lovely road suddenly stopped.

1205. Erm...

1206. Oh.

1207. Hmm.

1208. You total plum sack.

1209. It's a lake.

1210. Yes. Is it?

1211. Well, I saw it on— You're kidding?

1212. I saw it on the map.

1213. I just assumed there'd be a road round it and there isn't.

1214. Erm...

1215. Why isn't there a road round it?

1216. Oh, God.

1217. So, wait a minute. You went wrong in Harare. Let's establish that.

1218. You chose the wrong road. There were only two, you chose the wrong one.

1219. You then doggedly made us—

1220. Beautiful bit, like the Nürburgring, that last bit.

1221. Nice bit at the end. But it turned out to be the end.

1222. We can't turn right because literally, just there, it's Zambia.

1223. Mm-hmm. Yes.

1224. - We can't go left. - 'Cause there isn't a road.

1225. - There isn't a road. - Yes.

1226. So...

1227. - We'll just float across. - Don't be ridiculous.

1228. Honestly, we've done enough car boats, boat cars, flasks, floating.

1229. We're not building boats. It never works.

1230. I've got a better idea: buy a boat. Buy three boats.

1231. - We've got to get the cars on. Yes, exactly.

1232. - Buy boats? - They've got boats. Look.

1233. They're peoples' boats. Well, we'll buy them.

1234. I've got a wedge.

1235. Ten trillion.

1236. - Fifty billion? Yeah, why not?

1237. Yeah, I'll have another fifty billion.

1238. A hundred billion. Three hundred and fifty billion.

1239. - Four hundred billion.

1240. Ten trillion four hundred billion and twenty.

1241. This is absolutely idiotic.

1242. Right. Boat buying.

1243. Having spent the morning rootling around the local boatyards,

1244. we reconvened with our purchases.

1245. James had gone for an old sardine fishing boat.

1246. I'd bought an aquatic hatchback.

1247. And Jeremy, naturally,

1248. had purchased a floating drinks cabinet.

1249. You've bought a bar.

1250. - It's also the bridge. - Oh, I see!

1251. You steer it from the bar.

1252. Once we'd loaded up our cars...

1253. To me!

1254. We assembled on HMS Sardine for a map chat.

1255. Are they nautical charts?

1256. No, it's a road map.

1257. Right, we're going to sea with a road map.

1258. - So here's the lake. - Yes.

1259. We're going to...

1260. What?

1261. - Here's the lake. Yes. Here's the lake.

1262. What's that? Bloody hell.

1263. That's the rest.

1264. Yes.

1265. That goes to there.

1266. Okay.

1267. It's about 180 miles.

1268. It's a 175 miles.

1269. That's all right, then!

1270. Right, thank God we haven't got to do that extra 5 miles.

1271. It's the world's largest man-made lake.

1272. I am genuinely sorry about this.

1273. I had looked at— Look, you can see the problem.

1274. We've driven all the way, I've just been using this side of the map.

1275. No, no, no, Jeremy, we can see the problem.

1276. It's there, pointing at the map.

1277. The map is accurate. - There's no problem with the map.

1278. - You didn't look at the other side. - But it was all folded up in such a way

1279. that you didn't see...

1280. How fast does your boat go?

1281. Well, I don't know yet. But not very I'm gonna guess.

1282. I think we're talking about a brisk walk.

1283. Even if they do ten knots, which I doubt—

1284. Let's say 10 miles an hour. That's eighteen hours.

1285. That's overnight.

1286. Yes.

1287. I then did a bit more research.

1288. And that wasn't a great move either.

1289. It gets worse.

1290. Why?

1291. Guess how many crocodiles are in that lake?

1292. I don't know.

1293. Somewhere between one hundred and two hundred and fifty thousand.

1294. Crocodiles?

1295. Two weeks ago, they had to shoot a man-eater.

1296. Would you like to see it?

1297. Jeez, that is...

1298. Look at it!

1299. Can they be this big? It could eat this boat.

1300. On average, 47 people a year are killed by crocodiles.

1301. And there aren't that many people here, to start with.

1302. On that sombre note,

1303. we set off...

1304. HMS Shitfaced is underway.

1305. Under the watchful eye of the lake's residents.

1306. I think of this not so much as water as just a solid lump of crocodiles.

1307. Right. Safety checks complete.

1308. There's only one thing I can think to do.

1309. I believe Jeremy's already poured himself a drink.

1310. - Mr Slowly driving HMS Eco.

1311. What a bloody racket!

1312. It's extraordinary to think that in 1955,

1313. this didn't exist, it was just normal Africa.

1314. Then the British came and said : "We're gonna build a dam across the Zambezi

1315. to create hydroelectric power for Zambia and Zimbabwe."

1316. And this was the result.

1317. The biggest man-made lake the world has ever seen.

1318. We've done some daft things in our time, but I'm really enjoying this one.

1319. I'm sailing a bar with a Lancia on it.

1320. And I've got a lot of drink to get through.

1321. So much, in fact, that I invited Buttons and Greta Thunberg over...

1322. to share the workload.

1323. Gentlemen. I like the look of that.

1324. I've a wide range of drinks from the 1970s,

1325. including the much-missed Galliano.

1326. Nice. Nice. A step back in time.

1327. - A gin and tonic, sir? - I would love a gin and tonic, thank you.

1328. Coming right up. And you, sir? A Chablis, I'm guessing.

1329. Thank you.

1330. Ice and a slice of gold, perhaps?

1331. Ice and a slice of gold would be wonderful.

1332. So if you go in that water, basically, you are going to be eaten by a crocodile.

1333. Yeah. Yeah.

1334. And I can't think of a death I would enjoy less.

1335. Yeah, it's not the agony, actually. Well, no.

1336. - It is the agony. But it's the indignity. It is the agony.

1337. It's ignominium.

1338. Crocodile comes along. You're there, dangling your feet in the water,

1339. thinking about life, filled with hopes, expectations, loves, dreams,

1340. thoughts of the universe.

1341. Crocodile says: "I'll have that." Bang. Gone.

1342. - You know peanuts on a bar? Yeah.

1343. You're having a drink with some friends and you see some peanuts.

1344. You take a couple of peanuts and you—

1345. That is what you are.

1346. Do you know what makes it worse?

1347. A crocodile is prehistoric.

1348. So it was mates with T-Rex.

1349. It's two 250 million years old.

1350. And humanity's what? 150, 200 thousand?

1351. And civilisation is only about 6,000 years old.

1352. So everything from the first cave paintings to the present day,

1353. in the timespan of evolution,

1354. that has all happened while the crocodile has been scratching its arse.

1355. After an hour or so of drinking and chatting and sailing,

1356. but mostly drinking,

1357. the conversation started to take a bit of a dip.

1358. I've got

1359. three quarters of a bottle of vodka,

1360. half a bottle of gin. No. No, that's not gin.

1361. What is that? I don't know. I can't see.

1362. This is a blended brandy.

1363. - And I also have here a blended whisky. - Hammond, your boat's buggered off.

1364. That's got my passport on it.

1365. Shall I go? You're going to have

1366. to leave my bar.

1367. Do you want to come with me, Hammond, or stay here?

1368. This is more manoeuvrable.

1369. So we'll manoeuvre this up to mine and I'll get off this onto mine.

1370. Right, now, here we go. International Rescue.

1371. Please, catch my Capri.

1372. I'll give it my best work.

1373. Don't fall in the water.

1374. Crocodiles. Definite death.

1375. I left the gin.

1376. Would you like another one before you go?

1377. I'd bloody love one, yes.

1378. We continued with our long journey.

1379. And as darkness fell,

1380. we realised we were a bit peckish.

1381. So, to catch some supper,

1382. James lowered his sardine nets.

1383. And...

1384. There we are at depth.

1385. I don't mind if it isn't sardines, if it's just like general fish,

1386. but I'd really like sardines.

1387. Well, it should be sardines. This is a sardine boat.

1388. Here we go.

1389. Bollocks.

1390. I'm starving.

1391. I know, I'm starving as well. No, I'm beyond hungry.

1392. It's crisps, isn't it?

1393. - It's crisps. It's crisps.

1394. And, as if things couldn't get any worse...

1395. I've now run out of ice.

1396. So, we recharged our glasses with warm drink.

1397. And, fuelled by that,

1398. crisps and some wistful memories,

1399. we sailed on.

1400. It's gonna be a long night.

1401. Not our first.

1402. Ordinarily, I'd say not our last.

1403. Maybe it is.

1404. Oh, stop saying those things, Richard.

1405. What a job this has been.

1406. What a career.

1407. Sorry.

1408. That was a long night. A very long night.

1409. I'm deaf.

1410. There was, however, some good news.

1411. The little blue dot, that's us.

1412. We are nearing the end of the lake.

1413. And because we were nearing shore,

1414. we were surrounded by our chompy friends,

1415. which made the sudden message from our director on our camera tracking boat

1416. all the more alarming.

1417. Phil to Hammond.

1418. You've got a problem with your boat. Your boat is sinking, Hammond.

1419. Shit, you are. You're going down at the stern, Hammond.

1420. Go to the shore. - What?

1421. Give it some power, full power.

1422. To the left, to the left. Copy that. To the left.

1423. Repeat.

1424. To the left. To the left.

1425. You are definitely going down, mate.

1426. You are definitely going down.

1427. Yeah, my engine's going under.

1428. Ramming speed.

1429. Right, you've saved the Capri.

1430. Sorry, I've only just heard, 'cause of the noise of the engine.

1431. What's happened?

1432. His boat, if you look, it was definitely sinking from the rear.

1433. The whole of the back of his pontoons were underwater.

1434. Do not try and come in here.

1435. Because I came over sandbanks.

1436. I literally just hammered straight over

1437. low ground to get here.

1438. James and I arrived at another spot along the shore.

1439. There's a ramp.

1440. And once we'd all disembarked...

1441. I've definitely arrived.

1442. I called another map meeting,

1443. because during the night, I had had a brainwave.

1444. So we've just come across Kariba.

1445. Yep.

1446. When we reach the border here and cross it,

1447. we have gone all the way across Zimbabwe,

1448. which is what we set out to do,

1449. and we finish the programme.

1450. Yeah. - Well done, us.

1451. In our three improbable cars.

1452. However,

1453. on the other side of the border is Botswana.

1454. So, if you just turn the map over,

1455. - which I've learnt to do now. - Well done.

1456. - Oh yes. - Good technique.

1457. If you look, this is the Makgadikgadi, yeah? Salt pans.

1458. And there is Kubu Island.

1459. And that is where we began.

1460. That's where we did our very first special,

1461. - 17 years ago. Wow.

1462. We've always said this is one of our favourite places anywhere

1463. we've ever encountered.

1464. - And it's where the baobab trees are. Yeah.

1465. - I'd like to finish there. Yeah, I think that's right.

1466. And it's only— That's only... Woah.

1467. - It's a hundred K. - 120 miles or so.

1468. - Yeah. - I'm up for that.

1469. So we end this programme here,

1470. and we wrap The Grand Tour up there.

1471. I think that's a tremendous idea. It's fitting.

1472. With our new plan agreed on,

1473. we set a course for the border, feeling pretty good.

1474. Well, this is wonderful, viewers. We're back on proper tarmac.

1475. The sun isn't above my head yet, so my steering wheel hasn't heated up.

1476. I love this moment.

1477. Boot?

1478. But, a couple of miles later, the jolliness came to an abrupt end.

1479. Jeez.

1480. Oh, God, this is gonna be pothole hell.

1481. Oh no!

1482. I don't believe my tyres survived that one.

1483. The potholes, which were nearly as bad as the ones in England,

1484. were not good news for the most fragile car here.

1485. Oh, shit.

1486. Ooh!

1487. Oh, shit.

1488. I am, for the first time,

1489. seriously starting to wonder if this car can take it...

1490. and if it's gonna get there.

1491. - Bugger.

1492. There's something very much amiss

1493. on the rear axle.

1494. Sounds like a bag of cutlery.

1495. I hate to say I think I should just

1496. have a quick look just to make sure the back axle's not gonna come off.

1497. The news from underneath my car wasn't good.

1498. Right.

1499. There.

1500. That's one shock absorber.

1501. - It's not connected at that end any more. Yes, I see the problem, sir.

1502. Every time the axle comes up, that was going up,

1503. punching a hole in the body.

1504. - Have you actually made holes? Yes.

1505. So, I'm gonna have to run without it.

1506. This young guy is saying that if it had been him,

1507. he would have bought the 2.8 Injection, not the three-litre GXL.

1508. Is that— Is he? - Yeah.

1509. He says it's got a much stronger axle.

1510. Annoyingly, the other shock absorber had to come off as well.

1511. So you're just running on leaf springs, yeah?

1512. Yeah.

1513. Like, it is exactly the same as a medieval ox cart.

1514. Yeah.

1515. For Jeremy and me, though,

1516. it was much more entertaining than a medieval ox cart.

1517. I'm gonna crash!

1518. Well, if you wanted to know what a shock absorber does,

1519. it stops cars doing that.

1520. Oh, yeah. I'm still in it.

1521. Representing Great Britain in car trampoline,

1522. it's Richard Hammond from Ross-on-Wye.

1523. Sadly, the Ford's space-hopper entertainment soon came to an end,

1524. because Zimbabwe changed again

1525. and we could no longer see it.

1526. Smoke.

1527. God.

1528. I can't breathe.

1529. All right, so, everything's now covered with a veneer of coal dust,

1530. because we're in the coal-mining area.

1531. That's why all the trees and everything are black.

1532. Oh, come on.

1533. Come on.

1534. If it's like this all the way to the border, well, Jesus.

1535. Then, through the choking dust,

1536. I spotted what could be our salvation.

1537. This road is intolerable. Would you not agree?

1538. It's quite bad. It's not the best.

1539. Since we got off the boats this morning,

1540. I have been shaken to pieces.

1541. My car is falling to pieces.

1542. That's a particularly virulent type of dust as well.

1543. And I'm looking at this.

1544. - Well, that's not bumpy, is it? Well, no, it's a railway line.

1545. So why don't we convert our cars to run on the railway lines?

1546. We've done it before.

1547. - Ah, yes. - We've done it before.

1548. Yes, we have. - What other group of blokes

1549. can actually say with experience

1550. - that it can be done? We've done it. We've done it.

1551. We'd have to check the train timetables.

1552. That sort of thing's really important.

1553. We'd also need to find a workshop where we could make the modifications necessary

1554. to our cars.

1555. Yeah, we'd need a big town and a lot of machinery.

1556. Oh.

1557. It's not one of ours.

1558. Carry on. They're quite pleased anyway.

1559. Right, so you've called some locals knob heads.

1560. - I just called him a dickhead. Yeah.

1561. And they're coming out to beat the crap out of you.

1562. Hello. How are you guys?

1563. Hi, everybody. He said you're the knob heads.

1564. This traditional English greeting...

1565. That's fine. This is your home.

1566. Hey. How are you? Nice to see you.

1567. Good to meet you.

1568. Once Kofi Clarkson had repaired diplomatic relations,

1569. we set off on our detour to Victoria Falls.

1570. And now,

1571. everything's on fire.

1572. Yeah. Oh, my God, absolutely everything is on fire.

1573. Bloody Nora.

1574. We are having some obstacles today, aren't we?

1575. Once we reached Vic Falls,

1576. our thoughts turned to the matter of accommodation.

1577. And since the tight-fisted Mr Wilman wasn't with us...

1578. Afternoon.

1579. Thank you. Could we have three suites, please?

1580. And if you could have my tailor sent up, that would be tremendous.

1581. That's what Bond always says.

1582. Then, after we'd washed the coal dust out of our ears,

1583. we found a workshop

1584. and cued the music.

1585. A couple of days later, the work was complete.

1586. And we met in the local rail yard

1587. to compare our contraptions.

1588. Surprisingly simple job.

1589. I've put the front wheels in a sort of animal feed trough,

1590. which has little railway wheels on the bottom. Okay?

1591. At the back, rear wheels drive that sort of belt system

1592. which then drives the railway wheels.

1593. It's simple and it's elegant.

1594. - Unlike that. Let me talk you through this.

1595. Mine's quite elaborate, and I suspect you're not interested,

1596. but I based it on the diesel-hydraulic locomotives

1597. of England's western region.

1598. It's hydraulic drive. The engine merely drives a pump

1599. which charges the hydraulic reservoir which is what then drives the wheels,

1600. giving you massive torque at standstill

1601. from zero revs.

1602. How does it work?

1603. - That's how it works. - I didn't understand.

1604. James, what the bloody hell's that?

1605. Yeah, well, I did warn you.

1606. Oh, my Lord! There's a whole— What's all that?

1607. That's a hydraulic pump.

1608. This is a hydraulic reservoir.

1609. These are pipes.

1610. Those are gauges that warn you of the pressures.

1611. How will you see them when you're driving along?

1612. As long as they're right when I set off.

1613. Unless you've got a co-pilot who is a giraffe.

1614. The point about the hydraulic system is it's the transmission.

1615. This is how they built real locomotives, so this is proven technology.

1616. It doesn't look like a real locomotive.

1617. - Well, it does, actually. - No, it doesn't.

1618. It looks like a Triumph Stag.

1619. I'm visualising the Flying Scotsman, the Mallard.

1620. Got it? Open your eyes. - They're not hydraulic locomotives.

1621. - Is it made real? - No.

1622. No. - Yours looks even easier than mine.

1623. You don't even need to go over there.

1624. Sits on rollers, back wheels turn rollers,

1625. rollers turn wheel, it goes along, end of.

1626. So it's just like a rolling road?

1627. Yeah, it's like a running machine.

1628. Well, James, Hammond and I have proved there's a very easy way of doing this.

1629. But you've got to manipulate your clutch,

1630. your throttle, your break pedal. All I have to do—

1631. - Very much like driving a car. - Driving, yes.

1632. Yeah, but it's not a car, you see? It's a locomotive.

1633. All I have to do is set the engine revs

1634. and then I simply move a lever backwards and forwards,

1635. the very thing that made those early locomotives so appealing

1636. to people who'd grown up on steam.

1637. Shall we do this? I'm excited. - They'll miss me when I'm gone,

1638. which is in a few days' time.

1639. We boarded our trains,

1640. ready for the off.

1641. Hydraulic pressure is building.

1642. The train now departing platform 1 is the Montecarlo Express,

1643. direct service to Botswana.

1644. Here we go.

1645. I'm going along!

1646. And it works.

1647. Right, we're away.

1648. What?

1649. No, I'm in...

1650. It makes very authentic train noises.

1651. Did you hear the little "gadunk gadunk"?

1652. Oh, God.

1653. Er, I've derailed.

1654. Oh, dear.

1655. I'm going to have to reverse to see what his problem is.

1656. Oh yes!

1657. The Montecarlo Express goes forwards and backwards.

1658. Look at that.

1659. What a machine I have built here.

1660. This meant that James and I had both derailed.

1661. But it could be worse.

1662. Oh, bugger.

1663. So that wheel turns that way,

1664. which turns these wheels the other way,

1665. which means it goes the other way

1666. to the way these wheels are turning.

1667. Er...

1668. right.

1669. Luckily, as we hadn't actually left the station,

1670. there was a telehandler on hand to help sort out our problems.

1671. Er, I'm gonna pick it up and turn it around,

1672. so that when it's going backwards, it's going forwards.

1673. So what this means is I've now got

1674. four reverse gears that make me go forwards.

1675. Right. Now, simply put it back on the track.

1676. No problem. Everything's under control.

1677. And, when all of us were back on tracks,

1678. we set off once more.

1679. Isn't it funny, you make one little error,

1680. miscalculation, and then your life is this.

1681. Even though Hammond wasn't bringing much dignity to the situation,

1682. this was still quite a moment.

1683. Because we were now grand touring

1684. on one of the world's most iconic railway lines.

1685. It is remarkable that today,

1686. we can't build a railway line in Britain from...

1687. London to Manchester,

1688. whereas 150 years ago someone said:

1689. "Let's build a railway line from Cape Town to Cairo",

1690. 7,000 miles across the spine of Africa.

1691. And they went: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can do that."

1692. And then someone said: "But there's a bloody great gorge in the way."

1693. And they said: "Well, it doesn't matter, here's what we'll do.

1694. We'll build a bridge in Darlington,

1695. ship it out there,

1696. and we'll assemble it in situ and it'll fit."

1697. And it did.

1698. And here it is!

1699. Oh, my God.

1700. Driving a Lancia Montecarlo

1701. on the Victoria Falls bridge.

1702. We are 420 feet above the gorge.

1703. Let's just take a moment.

1704. I shall certainly miss doing this sort of thing.

1705. Having ticked off this unexpected bucket-list moment...

1706. We trundled along with our minds firmly set on the goal.

1707. So, if we can use the railway now

1708. to get us past that sort of coal-mining area,

1709. yeah,

1710. it's a home run then.

1711. I once went on the Orient Express with my wife in India.

1712. We had a brilliant time.

1713. Very similar.

1714. This is more comfortable than the roads, isn't it?

1715. And the other thing as well.

1716. For the first time, I've been able to look at the views

1717. rather than the road ahead.

1718. Yeah, I'm looking at the views as they recede.

1719. Can we call you the Disorientated Express?

1720. As we chatted away, I had just one small niggle on my mind.

1721. I've been assured that no train is coming in the other direction.

1722. But what if one is?

1723. It's one of those things you cannot get out of your mind

1724. when you're on a single-track railway like this.

1725. And then, that niggle was joined by another one.

1726. Oh! I've got a high-temperature warning here.

1727. I don't think my engine is cooling quite like it should be.

1728. For some reason.

1729. Could it be that I've converted my car into a train?

1730. My solution was to lift the bonnet

1731. and then call on my old friends,

1732. Speed and Power.

1733. Indicated: 40 miles an hour.

1734. It isn't 40 miles an hour, but that's what it says.

1735. The airflow is good now at this speed, very good.

1736. Okay, my right leg's going numb now.

1737. By mid-afternoon,

1738. we were confident we'd actually achieved something.

1739. I reckon we've passed the end of the dusty road

1740. and all that rough stuff.

1741. Yeah, I think we have. We've passed the coal mine for sure.

1742. We therefore pulled over at a level crossing,

1743. to do a job which we'd been avoiding thinking about.

1744. How do we get them off?

1745. I suppose the approaching freight train could do the job for you.

1746. Right, what you need to do first, using the adjustable spanner...

1747. I cannot count on us using an adjustable spanner.

1748. Slacken the lock nuts.

1749. Why can't you use one of these?

1750. Because it is the tool of a charlatan.

1751. - You don't mean "charlatan", do you? I do.

1752. You mean someone who just has one tool instead of three hundred.

1753. Undo the lock nuts first. - What are talking about?

1754. What's the lock nut?

1755. That is a lock nut.

1756. This spanner's too big.

1757. We don't all have to go to the same old folks home, do we?

1758. I mean, it's not obligatory after this that we all, the next day—

1759. He said he's deleting our numbers as soon as we finish.

1760. And we finish, delete, now they've gone.

1761. Oh, God.

1762. Quite easy to do, they're next to each other.

1763. World's smallest cun, world's biggest cun.

1764. We've stalled.

1765. That's actually true as well. It's not a lie.

1766. It is true.

1767. - I've had an idea. What?

1768. Why don't we go to a screen now that says "Fifteen minutes later"?

1769. Yeah?

1770. Get the production people to get them off.

1771. - And then... It looks like we've done it.

1772. It looks like we've done it.

1773. And then, we'll have a line of voice-over:

1774. "Soon, all the cars were off the railway line."

1775. Soon, all the cars were off the railway line.

1776. And, as the border with Botswana was just under 40 miles away,

1777. we had nearly completed our mission.

1778. And for that, we had three little heroes to thank.

1779. I am amazed that the Ford Capri is still running.

1780. I really am.

1781. But I'm more amazed by the Stag and the Montecarlo,

1782. because almost anyone who knows anything about cars would say

1783. those two are the most unreliable cars ever made.

1784. And here they are, soldiering along.

1785. And, we really did save the best till last...

1786. Because Zimbabwe has provided the perfect backdrop

1787. for our final motoring adventure.

1788. Amazing cars!

1789. Amazing, amazing cars

1790. have survived this amazing, amazing country.

1791. Essex!

1792. Triumph Stag.

1793. Overheating, my arse.

1794. Well done, Lancia.

1795. I can actually see the customs post.

1796. You fantastic little car, you've done it.

1797. You've done it.

1798. Before going up to the checkpoint,

1799. we pulled over to reflect on the moment.

1800. We have crossed Zimbabwe and you don't know.

1801. No, barely tell from the— "Did you use these cars to do it?"

1802. Yeah, quite. I would love to keep this.

1803. Yeah.

1804. I would properly love to keep it, actually.

1805. All we need is three bags to take 'em home with.

1806. I mean, this is, I think, restorable.

1807. I think mine is. It'd have to completely come apart.

1808. Anyway, listen.

1809. we must plough on, 'cause obviously, we've finished the programme,

1810. now we've gotta finish the show.

1811. The whole thing. So— Oh.

1812. What?

1813. What?

1814. We've got a small problem.

1815. What? Well, that's silver.

1816. Oh, yeah. - We've got to get across the border.

1817. - The silver. We've got a lot of silver.

1818. I mean, if we go through with them, that's smuggling.

1819. It is, yes.

1820. Shall we remove it?

1821. No. - No, that would be...

1822. Well... - Well, you really can't!

1823. You'd have no more downforce. Yes.

1824. What do we do? Style it out. - Style it out.

1825. - Relaxed. Relax is the way.

1826. Job's a good 'un.

1827. Hello. - How are you?

1828. Very well. How are you?

1829. Do you have anything to declare?

1830. No.

1831. Can you step outside, please? - Yes.

1832. He's trying to look normal.

1833. Can you help us to open the bonnet?

1834. Don't go round the back of his car.

1835. Alright.

1836. Alright, thank you for your cooperation.

1837. You can go through.

1838. Thank you very much.

1839. Thank you, sir.

1840. Thank you.

1841. Thank you.

1842. Yes! Yes!

1843. I'm just gonna play it as I'm just like a quiet,

1844. softly spoken...

1845. just a fairly miserable guy. I'm just not—

1846. I'm not gonna be my bouncy self, 'cause I'll overdo it.

1847. Good day, sir. - Good day.

1848. How are you? Very well, thank you.

1849. You have reached the Pandamatenga border post into Botswana.

1850. What?

1851. You have reached the Pandamatenga

1852. - border post into Botswana. Yes, yeah.

1853. - Do you have anything to declare? No.

1854. Can you come and open the boot for us?

1855. Please, can you move with us? Yep.

1856. That's not very promising, is it?

1857. Thank you very much. You're welcome, thank you.

1858. Enjoy Botswana.

1859. - And have fun. I will.

1860. Thank you.

1861. Yeah, I killed it.

1862. Please can you come and open the bonnet?

1863. You'll notice, when I open this bonnet, this is the original Stag engine

1864. and not the transplanted Rover one.

1865. Open the door for me.

1866. So there are quite a lot of empty drinks tins.

1867. Alright, sir.

1868. You can close the door.

1869. Thank you.

1870. Oh, shit, the steering wheel's hot.

1871. The steering wheel's hot, but don't draw attention to it.

1872. Thank you.

1873. Thank you, sir.

1874. Knee steer. Knee steer.

1875. Ow.

1876. Us three smugglers

1877. were now on our final drive together.

1878. Heading to our favourite place in the world.

1879. We've travelled thousands and thousands and thousands of miles

1880. and had thousands and thousands and thousands of adventures.

1881. And we're gonna end up right where we started.

1882. Never thought that what we do together would...

1883. would go on as it has.

1884. I was excited when I got the job, way back.

1885. Very excited.

1886. But I never dreamed it would grow into a career

1887. and life-defining adventure.

1888. And, occasionally, nearly career and life-ending adventure.

1889. I can't pretend it isn't gonna be a wrench, ending this.

1890. 'Cause it is.

1891. 22 years.

1892. More than a third of my life.

1893. This is going to hit me in quite small ways.

1894. Like there's a green bag, I have a green holdall

1895. that I've used since the very first special in Botswana.

1896. I've always used it for specials, but I've never taken it anywhere else.

1897. So what will I do with that green bag?

1898. One day, I'll come across it in that cupboard where we keep the bags.

1899. And I'll think: "Oh, yeah."

1900. And it will come back.

1901. Anyway.

1902. I hope

1903. we've brought you a little bit of happiness.

1904. Several miles further on, Hammond broke down again.

1905. Er, my car isn't starting.

1906. And even though this was our last-ever drive,

1907. we felt duty bound to react in the usual manner.

1908. We shall leave you to the wolves.

1909. And, as the tarmac surface was about to stop...

1910. I decided to give my feisty little Twin Cam

1911. one last blast.

1912. Right, now, finally heading through the bush

1913. to the Makgadikgadi.

1914. Sand roads. I remember those.

1915. God, they were so good.

1916. So comfortable.

1917. The hell?

1918. No way.

1919. Holy shit.

1920. It's my car.

1921. It's my car from the very first special.

1922. Is that—? It can't be James' Merc.

1923. I don't believe it.

1924. The Lite Bite Cafe.

1925. That is astonishing.

1926. I'm— I'm— I'm slightly

1927. choked up.

1928. Hang on a minute.

1929. The doors were off. No, were they? Yes.

1930. Someone's found the doors

1931. that we took off to cross the Makgadikgadi.

1932. What's up?

1933. You're not going to believe this.

1934. You are not going to believe this.

1935. Jeez, is it?

1936. It's my car.

1937. It's my old Lancia.

1938. - Is that my Mercedes? - I think that's your Mercedes.

1939. I'll know if this is mine,

1940. because

1941. it'll have the five-speed gear knob on the four-speed box.

1942. Christ, it is!

1943. I'm— I'm— I'm absolutely... My heart's just gone kinda nuts.

1944. Look, yeah, the badge is gone, which I took as a souvenir.

1945. - Souvenir? - Yes.

1946. You know what I've kept as a souvenir on every single special?

1947. Every single special, I've had it with me.

1948. - Yes! Yes! - I've got it with me now. Hang on.

1949. Where is it?

1950. It's in my suitcase. It's always in my suitcase.

1951. Sorry, everyone.

1952. That was my souvenir.

1953. Let's stick it in.

1954. I'm sure I took it from here.

1955. There you go.

1956. It's got its eye back!

1957. So somebody found... They must be the same doors.

1958. Somebody found those and stuck 'em back on.

1959. We left them... I remember, we had to lighten.

1960. I think we left the doors with that bloke.

1961. Noah.

1962. That's right. - Noah the bush mechanic.

1963. I wonder if Noah went and recovered the cars and put the doors back on.

1964. He probably did.

1965. Okay.

1966. Incredible.

1967. Having spent the night in a luxury camp,

1968. we met for breakfast with our minds all focused

1969. on the same thing.

1970. Have you heard anything from Amazon?

1971. Yeah, I got an email here. Have you?

1972. They want their laptops back.

1973. So no big fat cheque? No contract?

1974. No letter pleading with us to keep going?

1975. No, I got nothing.

1976. Right, well, this really is our last breakfast then, isn't it?

1977. Yeah.

1978. This is it.

1979. Have you seen this, Hammond?

1980. When you broke down yesterday,

1981. we were driving along.

1982. Wait, are those...?

1983. Are they your cars from when we were last here? Seriously?

1984. Yeah. They were just at the side of the road.

1985. It's definitely the same ones.

1986. So they've been here ever since. Driving about.

1987. It still smells the same, the Mercedes.

1988. And talking of which,

1989. we've got the final push today.

1990. A short journey to Kubu Island.

1991. Mm-hmm.

1992. Across the salt pans.

1993. Why don't we do it

1994. Makgadikgadi style?

1995. This is it.

1996. This is how we did it the last time.

1997. No doors!

1998. What a way to end The Grand Tour!

1999. What a place!

2000. There it is.

2001. Kubu Island.

2002. Oh, God, I think that's it.

2003. That is it.

2004. There's our tree.

2005. It just remains for me to say,

2006. thank you very, very much for watching.

2007. Thank you.

2008. It means a lot.

2009. Poof.

2010. And, er...

2011. That's it.

2012. Are we ready, gentlemen?

2013. Honestly, I don't know.

2014. He's on it! I'm on the shunter!

2015. A properly three-legged old man went past!

2016. Maybe leaking slightly.

2017. What a moron.

2018. There must have been 40 people in the room when the police arrived.

2019. Woah!

2020. Clarkson!

2021. Sideways in linen.

2022. Get out of the way, get out of the way, I'm in a race.

2023. Let's sing a song. No.

2024. There's no dignity in that, is there?

2025. Nah.

2026. Okay, it's time now

2027. and, nobody's ever said this on a car show before,

2028. save the world.

2029. We don't all have to go to the same old folk's home, do we?