The Goodies 5x9

Roy Kinnear as Emperor • Oliver Gilbert as Attila the Hun

In 55AD the early Goodies venture to Rome to provide entertainment for the fruit-fancying Emperor, but are eventually confronted by Attila the Hun and the invading Barbarians.

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1. - The year is 55 A.D.

2. The glory of Rome is at its height.

3. The lavishness of the city life is unequalled.

4. The wealth of the emperor is incalculable.

5. And the might of the Roman armies, invincible.

6. The Roman empire spreads itself halfway

7. across the civilised world and England.

8. And yet, even now, some of the former glories

9. are beginning to crumble.

10. The emperor needs help, and in July of 55,

11. an ambassador sets out from the Imperial Palace on foot.

12. Soon, he will reach his ultimate destination.

13. - Right, I put out the sign.

14. That should get us a bit of work.

15. - Graeme, you saving light?

16. Light the torch, will you?

17. - Oh no, we're not allowed to.

18. - What? Why not, who says?

19. - The Roman governor.

20. There's a flint shortage.

21. S-O-S, switch off something.

22. No torches for three days.

23. - Oh dear dear, talk about the dark ages, honestly.

24. Open the window, then.

25. - All right.

26. (coughs) Oh, dear.

27. You know, the atmosphere in this country

28. is hardly fit to breathe.

29. - Oh dear, you're telling me.

30. - You know why not? You know why not?

31. I'll tell you why not.

32. 'Cause the flipping Romans keep breathing garlic into it.

33. What a stink.

34. We should have never let them in, you know.

35. Ever since this country has become part of Europe,

36. the whole place is gone to pot!

37. Flaming great multiways all over the place.

38. They're ruining our traditional way of life, they are.

39. - You are just prejudiced.

40. - Yeah, well, may be, may be,

41. but don't tell me they don't smell differently.

42. - Of course they smell differently.

43. It's because they're clean.

44. They're always taking baths, which more than I can

45. say for some people.

46. - Yeah well, they need to keep taking baths, don't they?

47. Watch out for smelling that pungy I-Ti food.

48. - And speaking of food, din dins.

49. - Ah, what do we got?

50. - Spaghetti. (audience laughs)

51. - That really foreign muck, but why can't have some

52. nice old English oatcakes here

53. or a lovely boar stew like we used to have?

54. - Can't afford it, that's why.

55. - No, we can't afford it, you know why.

56. Because the flipping Romans have pushed

57. all the prices up, haven't they?

58. We can't even afford to buy our own boars now.

59. Gotta buy that foreign—

60. How much did you pay for that?

61. - Six chickens and a goat. (audience laughs)

62. - That's gone up three and a half chickens since last week that has.

63. - Never mind, I have got the woad.

64. So let's all paint ourselves blue and have a party.

65. - This is one of the very few civilised places

66. left to an English gentleman.

67. Wait a minute. (sniffs)

68. Oy, this isn't British woad!

69. - No, it's better, it's Roman woad. (laughs)

70. (audience laughs) Roman woad, get it?

71. (sings) Keep right on to the end of the woad.

72. Oh, come on! Where's your party spirit?

73. - Yeah well, make light of me if you wish,

74. but personally, I'm very depressed to see this country

75. in the state it's in.

76. - Don't you start mocking Britain, mate.

77. What about all our great British achievements?

78. - Like what? Go on. - Yeah, name one.

79. - How about Stonehenge?

80. - (laughs) Cor blimey, how about Stonehenge?

81. What a waste of money that was.

82. 2000 years, it's still there.

83. Still doesn't fly. (audience laughs)

84. - It attracts the tourists.

85. - Oh yeah, attracts the tourists all right, doesn't it?

86. And what did the last lot of tourist attracting do, eh?

87. They conquered us!

88. Nice one, yeah. (audience laughs)

89. It sickens me to see us cringing to the feet

90. of a lot of greasy dagos like that.

91. - Brits do not cringe!

92. - God, here we go.

93. - We're a proud island race.

94. (off key trumpeting) Led by our great queen.

95. Boudica, bless her.

96. We shall be proud once again.

97. The Romans may have come, they may have seen,

98. and they may have conquered,

99. but when the next Roman comes through that door,

100. what shall we say to him?

101. We shall say—

102. Good morning, sir, may I lick your boots?

103. About a quarter to three?

104. - Oh yeah, but they won't win the semi-final.

105. Does anybody speak Latin?

106. - Uh, I probably do.

107. Listen, bellum bellum bellum,

108. belee below below. (audience laughs)

109. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

110. Oh mamma mia, get off... (audience laughs)

111. He asked me to translate.

112. Here we go, listen to this.

113. "Notwithstanding, by so much the more, a having been

114. "sent out legate, by with all from Rome

115. (audience laughs) "for a long time is.

116. "These things having been done, not only but also,

117. "Gaul was divided into three parts.

118. "The end." (audience laughs)

119. Oh! P.S. "The emperor has a job for you."

120. - (sings) There's no place like Rome, hey?

121. Hey, guys? - Oh, come on.

122. - That way!

123. - (groans) It's the good life.

124. Wine. (gurgles)

125. Good—

126. Oh!

127. Goodies. (giggles)

128. Goody goody yum yum.

129. - Get off, please!

130. - Don't touch. - Oh.

131. Eenie meanie miney moe.

132. Catch a goody by the toe.

133. If he squeals... (screams)

134. Let them go, O-U-T spells out.

135. Go on, get out. (laughs)

136. Leave me with the little one. - No!

137. - You may go also.

138. (giggles) Alone at last.

139. What's your name, little boy?

140. - Bill, sir, and you've got me hand.

141. I want me hand back, please.

142. Thank you.

143. - Do you like concubines?

144. - No thank you, trying to give them up.

145. - Oh! (audience laughs)

146. - Not that I don't like girls.

147. I like girls very much indeed, oh yes.

148. I certainly like girls.

149. And I don't like anything else.

150. - Not even fruit?

151. - Come again?

152. - Fruit.

153. Don't you like bananas and peaches

154. and apricots and overripe pears,

155. with those soft, sensuous bulbous bodies?

156. And squishy juice that trickles

157. from your fingers right all the way to your armpit!

158. Oh, that's better.

159. - You're kinky, you. - Yes! (laughs gleefully)

160. But not by Roman standards.

161. But I don't suppose you Britains understand

162. that sort of thing, do you?

163. I don't suppose you brought any Granny Smiths with you?

164. - Certainly not. Personally mate, fruit is absolutely

165. nothing to me.

166. I can't see any attraction in the smooth, tight skin

167. of a pert little orange...

168. Anyway, why have you sent for us?

169. - Pull up a pumpkin.

170. Well, you see, the fact is, chunky boots

171. that I'm not loved.

172. No, you wouldn't believe that.

173. My people don't even like me.

174. And it wounds, oh yes, it wounds.

175. - What's the problem, why don't they like you?

176. - Well, all they want is entertainment.

177. Entertainment. - Oh well, you know,

178. there you go, you know, I mean an emperor

179. is supposed to give them sort of shows and circuses

180. and gladiators, that sort of thing.

181. - I do better than that.

182. I give them exhibitions. - What of?

183. - Market gardening. (audience laughs)

184. And displays of pomegranates.

185. And I've got a competition to find

186. the biggest pair of cherries in the world!

187. But they don't want it.

188. Oh no no no, it's sickening, sickening.

189. - Yeah, it must be.

190. There there, don't you worry about it.

191. - I don't suppose you'd like to lick it off.

192. - No, just had me breakfast.

193. - You're not much fun, are you?

194. Oh well, same old tongues.

195. Oh, boring, boring, boring.

196. - Cor blimey, ah well, um...

197. If I've got you right, governor, what you want us to do

198. is sort of get the entertainment scene back on its feet.

199. Big crowds flooding back to the arenas,

200. that sort of thing?

201. - Yes, yes, that's it, petal pants.

202. And if you don't do the job, (giggles)

203. I'll throw you to the lions.

204. - Ah! You can't threaten us, mate.

205. Oh no! I'm going to have a long and serious

206. consultation with my good colleague out here.

207. - We'll do it. - We'll do it.

208. - Ah-choo!

209. - Oh dear, I'm (mumbles)

210. I suppose I'm going to have to face them.

211. Oh bother!

212. Friends!

213. Romans!

214. Countrymen.

215. Who threw that?

216. Was that you?

217. Cheeky! (audience laughs)

218. And just what do you think you were doing?

219. - We can explain. - Don't be cross, please.

220. - Don't be cross? Listen to them, I could spit.

221. They all want their money back.

222. Why didn't you book the Christians?

223. It's a good family show.

224. - They're not doing it anymore.

225. They said they got fed up with being thrown to the lions.

226. So now, thanks to you, they've all got much better jobs

227. as fruit growers, and what's more, there are no

228. gladiators left, as they've all been eaten by the lions

229. who are hungry because there were no Christians.

230. And before you ask, there are no lions left,

231. because they've all been eaten by the Christians

232. who have got sick at the sight of fruit.

233. - That's right. (audience laughs)

234. However, some good has come of it.

235. Look at this lot.

236. - Ugh, I've gone off fruit.

237. You were pathetic!

238. Centurions, throw them to the sheep.

239. - Oh no! - Not the sheep!

240. Do what you like to us, but for pity's sake,

241. don't throw us to the sheep!

242. - You're no fun, are you?

243. I've got to do something to satisfy that unruly mob.

244. - Don't worry, sir, I'll have a word with them.

245. Now listen, you lot.

246. You're an unruly mob. (crowd boos)

247. - Was that you again?

248. Was it? (laughs)

249. Like it! (audience laughs)

250. - Cross out there!

251. What are you gonna do about them, eh?

252. - Don't ask me, I'm exhausted.

253. You don't know what it's like, you know,

254. being an emperor.

255. No no no, people don't realise how hard we work.

256. It's work work work, 'til all hours.

257. Burning Christians at both ends.

258. And then there's the orgies.

259. Oh! Endless rounds of ruddy orgies.

260. I mean, there's birthday orgies, there's cocktail orgies,

261. there's housewarming orgies.

262. Every lunch time, there's business orgies.

263. Who would be an emperor?

264. - Me. (audience laughs)

265. - You're on.

266. - (singing) Just a Roman in the gloamin'.

267. By the bonny banks of the—

268. Oh, that's great, that's terrific.

269. Just keep it up.

270. Rome cooking, perhaps a touch more of the ass' milk.

271. On second thought, elbow the ass' milk.

272. Bring me that wine and goblet, would you, my dear?

273. - Hail almighty Tim Caesar!

274. How's tricks, then?

275. - Not bad, old son, not bad.

276. - Glad to hear it.

277. Who's the birds?

278. - Oh, they look after me, you know.

279. That one's a handmaiden.

280. That's a footmaiden.

281. And this one comes in pretty useful as well.

282. - Well nevermind that, I've just been out and about,

283. and I find that the populace grows restless.

284. - Feed me a grape, would you?

285. - Listen to me, will you please?

286. The populace grows restless, awakening the new

287. and wondrous entertainment divined by a new emperor.

288. And I'll tell you something, mate, they've been—

289. Will you please listen to me?

290. - You stop that, or I'll have you thrown to the hamsters.

291. - Hamsters? - Yeah, run out of sheep.

292. But never worry, Bilious, my small hairy subject,

293. for even now, my entertainments manager is working

294. on a plan to keep the people happy.

295. - Hail, Caesar!

296. - Nevermind the weather forecast. (laughs)

297. What of your plan?

298. - Only a winner.

299. Now, this will really cheer you up.

300. Look at this.

301. Map of Italy, completely surrounded by sea.

302. So we are going into seaside development.

303. The whole of Italy becomes one gigantic amusement centre.

304. We have holiday camps here at Pontinium and Buttlinium.

305. Naughty postcards from Pompei.

306. And the Pisa, we build a Helter-Skelter.

307. - Oh, great! - Very good.

308. - That is not all!

309. I've devised all manner of wondrous entertainment for you.

310. I've invented candy floss and bingo.

311. The little card with all the numbers on it,

312. a chap shouts out the numbers,

313. like Romulus and Remus number two.

314. All the ones, number three.

315. Give us a kiss, number ten.

316. Pair of those, number five.

317. When you've got all the numbers on your card,

318. you jump up and you shout, "Candy floss!"

319. (audience laughs) Have a bingo.

320. - Great! I can see it now.

321. - All roads lead to Rome, or so they say.

322. Yes, everyone's making tracks for sunny Italy.

323. And setting the imperial standard for fun,

324. take a look at this old pair.

325. And speaking of pairs, how's this for a pair?

326. Of breasts.

327. Buttons up, granddad.

328. This is the place for that lovely peace and quiet.

329. And she is certainly a lovely piece.

330. Let's just hope she keeps quiet.

331. So tuck up your toga ends and come on in.

332. The water's fine.

333. Did somebody say beach balls?

334. Well, speaking of which, you might find all

335. the fun and games just a load of nonsense,

336. but if it's relaxation you're after, why not take

337. things easy with a chip and a rain boat

338. around the bay of Naples?

339. But who's this?

340. No ma'am, it ain't uncle Herbert riding on a litter.

341. Did I say litter, madame?

342. Well this is no litter load.

343. This is the emperor himself.

344. Mighty refreshing, hey sir? (audience laughs)

345. Nice one, Caesar.

346. - Hail, mighty Tim Caesar, it is done, it is done!

347. - Well if it's done take it out of the oven.

348. Get it? - Well, we've sent out

349. all the holiday brochures.

350. The whole feast's been sent out.

351. - That's right, appeal to the international market,

352. sent them to the Barbarian, the Goths, the Visigoths,

353. and the Vandals.

354. They're going to come flocking to Rome in their hordes.

355. - Well done. Hey, what do you think of our national anthem?

356. Composed by me.

357. (singing) Land of Rome—

358. You sent them to who?

359. - The Barbarians, the Goths, the Visigoths, the Vandals.

360. - Vandals, oh yeah, look at this one, Graeme.

361. Confirmation of a block booking here for the Vandals,

362. from their courier, Atilla the Hun.

363. - Atilla the Hun?

364. - That's right, 25,000 single rooms he wants,

365. requiring early morning tea, packed lunch,

366. evening meal, rape and pillage.

367. Can you do that? (audience laughs)

368. - Oh no! Not Atilla the Hun and his hordes of Vandals.

369. We create the greatest seaside resort in the world,

370. and what do we get?

371. Vandalism!

372. Where's safe? Oh, the Vandals are coming!

373. The Vandals are coming!

374. Help me out! (girls scream)

375. - From the desolate wastelands

376. of the north they came.

377. The Vandals.

378. Moving ever onwards to Rome, the ancient world's

379. greatest and most popular holiday resort.

380. Atilla the Hun, leading his Vandal hordes,

381. sweeping all before them.

382. Would no one stand in their way?

383. - Nope.