The Good Place 4x2

1. - Linda.

2. - You can have literally

3. anything you could possibly—

4. - What the—

5. - You sent a demon in disguise

6. as one of the subjects?

7. This outrageous act

8. must be punished.

9. Chidi will be the fourth

10. subject in this experiment.

11. - I still don't get why

12. the Bad Place

13. would try something

14. so obvious.

15. - They're desperate.

16. They know they're gonna lose.

17. Plus, we can get

18. rid of the Linda picture...

19. and put a Chidi picture

20. on the other side

21. since we know

22. a ton about him.

23. This is all good news,

24. right, Team Leader?

25. - Yeah, it's super cool that

26. I'm actively surveilling

27. and manipulating

28. an ex-boyfriend.

29. I mean,

30. more so than I usually did.

31. Okay, let's focus on Brent.

32. Born on third base,

33. thinks he invented

34. the game of baseball.

35. Guys like this believe

36. that the world

37. revolves around them because...

38. it kind of does.

39. If we could get him

40. to listen to anyone else,

41. he'd hear how much better

42. they are than he was,

43. which might make him realize

44. that he doesn't belong here.

45. And also, bonus...

46. maybe he cries

47. like a stupid little baby.

48. - Anyway, long story short,

49. that's why

50. there are still ducks.

51. I saved all the ducks.

52. - Aw!

53. - Incredible. Wow.

54. Thank you, Wanda.

55. What a life.

56. Now we turn to our next guest,

57. Chidi Anagonye.

58. Now Chidi, you led an

59. impressive life as an academic.

60. - Well, not "save an entire

61. species" impressive,

62. but, yes, I was a professor

63. of ethical

64. and moral philosophy.

65. I'm sorry—

66. literally every duck?

67. You saved every duck?

68. - In essence, yes.

69. And I didn't

70. mention this before.

71. I really don't like to brag

72. but also... horses.

73. Oh!

74. - What?

75. Man...

76. I mean, compared to you,

77. I feel a little inadequate.

78. - Hey, Mikey,

79. can I ask you something?

80. I feel bad for making

81. Janet's life

82. more chaotic

83. and unpredictable,

84. so here's my idea

85. to make it up to her.

86. Me and 100 Janet Babies

87. do a giant flash mob—

88. just total unpredictable

89. chaos all around her.

90. Great idea, right?

91. - Jason, Jason, Jason,

92. Jason, Jason.

93. - Mm-hmm.

94. - Sorry, I put a little cheat

95. code in the Neighborhood

96. where if I say

97. your name five times

98. my headache goes away.

99. Do you know why I forced you

100. to act like a monk

101. in the original Neighborhood?

102. - Does it have to do

103. with the TV show "Monk"?

104. - No.

105. It's because you have no

106. control over your own impulses.

107. You think every problem

108. can be solved

109. with a Molotov cocktail

110. or slashing somebody's tires

111. or plunging Derek.

112. So being a monk

113. was torture for you.

114. The only way for you to repair

115. your relationship with Janet

116. is to give her some space.

117. Show her that you can

118. control your impulses.

119. - So you're saying

120. wanting to do something

121. isn't a good reason

122. to immediately do it?

123. - Yeah.

124. - Man, I wish someone

125. had taught me this on Earth.

126. - People tried,

127. mostly judges.

128. - Hey, show time.

129. - And now, Brent Norwalk,

130. why don't you tell us

131. a little bit about yourself?

132. - Thank you very much.

133. Thank you.

134. Sure.

135. I'm pretty interesting.

136. I grew up in Chicago.

137. A suburb, obviously.

138. I went to Princeton University.

139. No handouts, by the way.

140. I earned my spot there...

141. just like my father

142. and his father before him.

143. I then inherited

144. the family business,

145. and in just 18 years,

146. I grew Norwalk Materials

147. from a $90 million company...

148. to a $94 million company.

149. One second.

150. Hey, Janet.

151. - Hi, there.

152. - Perrier.

153. - Why don't you tell us

154. about a time

155. when things

156. didn't come so easy to you.

157. - Look, I've had my share

158. of disappointments.

159. I smartly bought Netflix stock

160. at $38 a share,

161. but I couldn't

162. cash it in before I died,

163. so all that money's

164. going to my dumb kid.

165. But you

166. have to press on, right?

167. In the words

168. of Martin Luther King, Jr.,

169. who I personally

170. believe was a great man,

171. he said that when life

172. knocks you on your butt,

173. you jump back up

174. and start throwing haymakers.

175. - I'm not sure he said that.

176. - No, no, he did.

177. You're wrong.

178. For me, Eleanor,

179. it's all about

180. taking personal responsibility.

181. I don't know if people do that.

182. And if you ask me,

183. that's what's wrong

184. with this country.

185. - What country?

186. - This was fun, Eleanor,

187. but I have a tee time.

188. Daddy no golfy,

189. daddy get cranky.

190. So, Chad, duck lady,

191. nice to meet you.

192. Thank you.

193. Thank you all very much.

194. You were great.

195. - A car?

196. He got a car?

197. - Okay,

198. well,

199. back to the drawing board.

200. - If we want him to understand

201. he doesn't belong here,

202. we don't need a drawing board.

203. We need to bust

204. him open like a piñata.

205. - We tried that

206. in the Bad Place.

207. The goo that comes out

208. doesn't taste as good as candy.

209. - No, dude, metaphorically.

210. - Ahh.

211. - Although, there is another

212. Bad Place strategy

213. that might work very well here.

214. - I don't know

215. if that's the right move.

216. - It's our only move.

217. And we're doing it.

218. Tomorrow.

219. - What the...

220. Hey, Janet?

221. Janet!

222. [Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4"

223. plays]

224. Is that Perrier?

225. - Michael, Eleanor.

226. - Brent, I'm so sorry.

227. We don't know why

228. all of this is happening.

229. - Well, I do.

230. This chaos is clearly

231. all about me.

232. This is the universe telling me

233. that I don't belong here.

234. - Brent, what do you mean?

235. - I don't belong

236. in the Good Place.

237. - I mean, obviously there's

238. a place better than this.

239. I belong there.

240. In the best place.

241. [screaming, growling,

242. chaos continues]

243. - Walk me through this, Brent.

244. I'm not sure we follow.

245. - Well, I've been feeling

246. this way for a while now.

247. I mean, this can't be all

248. the Afterlife has to offer.

249. Not to the cream of the crop.

250. I mean, if this is heaven,

251. then where are my guys?

252. Where's Scotty

253. and Schultzy and Porcupine?

254. Where's White Guillermo?

255. And where is Mexican William?

256. And what about Squirtman?

257. - Well, he makes a good point.

258. You know, what about Squirtman?

259. - Also, frankly,

260. my assistant Janet

261. is a little uptight.

262. I mean, she hasn't worn

263. any of my gifts.

264. - Have you been asking Janet

265. to make herself clothes

266. that you give back to her?

267. - Yeah, you're doing

268. the math right there, bud.

269. - Look, this chaos,

270. which is clearly all about me,

271. is a sign.

272. If this is the Good Place,

273. I belong in the best place.

274. So figure it out.

275. Get back to me, okay?

276. [screaming, explosions

277. continue]

278. - I'm gonna go punch

279. a wall with my head.

280. I'll meet up with you later.

281. - Michael, I'm afraid

282. we need to talk about Eleanor.

283. - I know what you're gonna say.

284. She's just been really busy.

285. I'm sure she'll get around

286. to showering at some point.

287. - No, it's not that,

288. although, it's not... not that.

289. It's possible

290. we need a new Team Leader.

291. - Oh, really?

292. - We just can't help but

293. question her decision-making.

294. She balked at bringing

295. Chidi and Simone together.

296. She ignored

297. my concerns about Linda.

298. Her plans for Brent backfired.

299. We've made precious

300. little progress.

301. Perhaps leadership

302. isn't her forte.

303. - Yeah, I mean,

304. Eleanor is dope,

305. but she keeps

306. screwing everything up.

307. That's my thing,

308. and you wouldn't

309. put me in charge.

310. - Actually,

311. that's a decent point.

312. But think about

313. what you're saying here.

314. - We have.

315. We should at least discuss

316. pursuing a change

317. in leadership.

318. - Yeah, definitely,

319. let's pursue it.

320. - Oh, hey, Eleanor,

321. we were just talking about

322. maybe you shouldn't be...

323. Team... Leader?

324. Saved it.

325. - Go ahead, guys.

326. Speak your mind.

327. - It isn't personal, Eleanor.

328. When we started

329. this experiment,

330. I calculated

331. a 9% chance of success.

332. After your first

333. three days on the job,

334. it's down to 7.1%.

335. So purely from

336. a mathematical standpoint,

337. you are kind of pooching it.

338. - Very helpful feedback.

339. And if I could

340. give you some feedback,

341. I'd say that you're all

342. ungrateful ash-faces

343. who can shove your fat grumps

344. all the way up your snork-box.

345. - Which curses were those?

346. - I didn't ask for this!

347. I'm only doing it

348. because Michael,

349. who is supposed

350. to be in charge,

351. had a nervous breakdown

352. the second it started.

353. But maybe you can

354. do it better than me.

355. Tahani can be in charge

356. since she's so smart.

357. Or better yet, Jason.

358. Maybe all of humanity

359. can be saved

360. with one good old-fashioned

361. Jacksonville carnival.

362. - I mean, we could try.

363. All I need is a bouncy house,

364. some ninja stars,

365. and a bunch of ambulances.

366. - Well, good luck, forkfaces.

367. I quit.

368. Shellstrop out.

369. - You got it all

370. out of your system?

371. You gonna come back?

372. Get to work?

373. - No, man.

374. I meant what I said.

375. I quit.

376. - I'm sorry

377. you overheard that.

378. And they're sorry

379. they said it.

380. But you don't

381. just get to quit this, Eleanor.

382. This is not

383. your 7th grade band

384. or three hours

385. into a two-week juice cleanse.

386. A little more at stake here.

387. - Yeah, man,

388. that's why I'm quitting.

389. The things that are happening

390. here are above my pay grade.

391. How do I get Brent

392. to stop being such a deckhead?

393. How do I fix Simone

394. when she's convinced

395. all of this is happening

396. inside of her brain?

397. Ooh, maybe I should

398. drive her into the arms

399. of my ex-boyfriend—

400. that sounds fun.

401. What do I do about

402. John the gossip king,

403. or the demon spy

404. who punched me in the face?

405. And how do I do it all

406. with a pleasant smile

407. to keep everyone's

408. spirits up?

409. I'm not meant for this.

410. I'm not the freakin'

411. savior of the universe.

412. I'm just...

413. a girl from Arizona.

414. That's it.

415. I'm just a normal

416. girl from Arizona.

417. I ate junk food.

418. I watched reality shows.

419. I sometimes left H&M

420. wearing more underpants

421. than I had on when I came in.

422. I did a bad job of being

423. in charge of my own life,

424. and now I'm supposed to be in

425. charge of everyone else's life?

426. I—

427. I cannot do this.

428. - When I started my experiment,

429. I thought:

430. "Four broken birdbrains

431. who will believe

432. "everything I tell them.

433. This will be a breeze."

434. You beat me in three months.

435. Okay, fine, I thought.

436. A fluke.

437. You then beat me

438. 800 more times.

439. Because human beings,

440. it turns out,

441. are weird

442. and I will never

443. truly understand

444. what it's like to be one.

445. This is a job for a human—

446. one who's tough

447. but also empathetic

448. and has a big heart.

449. And a world-class

450. bullshirt detector.

451. You think you can't do this?

452. Eleanor...

453. you're the only one

454. who can do this.

455. Like it or not...

456. the only one

457. who can save a humanity

458. is a girl from Arizona.

459. - But everything I do

460. blows up in my face.

461. I'm like a hot, blonde

462. Wile E. Coyote

463. - That's true.

464. About you making

465. lots of mistakes,

466. not the thing where

467. you sexualized a cartoon.

468. Come on,

469. you know how this works.

470. You fail and then

471. you try something else.

472. And you fail again and again,

473. and you fail a thousand times,

474. and you keep trying because...

475. maybe the 1001st idea

476. might work.

477. Now, I'm gonna and try to find

478. our 1,001st idea.

479. I hope you'll join me.

480. I hope you shower first

481. and then join me.

482. - Ladies and gentlemen,

483. back with her trademark brand

484. of B-minus leadership,

485. Eleanor Shellstrop.

486. - We are so, so, so sorry,

487. Eleanor.

488. We never should've

489. questioned you.

490. - Don't worry about it,

491. hot stuff.

492. I was questioning me, too.

493. But I'm back, baby.

494. And I have a new idea

495. for Brent.

496. Guys like him never think

497. they're wrong, so...

498. we're gonna

499. tell him he's right.

500. - Brent.

501. This conversation

502. must remain confidential.

503. - Okay.

504. - Obviously,

505. you're a very smart guy.

506. - Yes.

507. - But we need to know

508. that we can trust you

509. with sensitive information.

510. - You can.

511. I routinely buried

512. HR complaints,

513. so, no problem.

514. - Truth is, Brent,

515. you figured us out.

516. There is a Best Place.

517. - I knew it.

518. I knew it.

519. - The Best Place is reserved

520. for a select upper echelon

521. of good people,

522. sort of like

523. a Diamond Elite VIP Club

524. of Afterlife residents.

525. - I was Diamond Elite.

526. I swear.

527. One time I did shots

528. with this pilot in the lounge,

529. and the guy let me fly

530. his helicopter.

531. - We know.

532. That's how you died.

533. - Right.

534. - So you'll all be evaluated,

535. and then a very small group

536. of the most morally upstanding

537. residents get to go.

538. - Oh, I see.

539. So it's like

540. a "good deeds" contest?

541. That's easy.

542. I'm gonna crush this.

543. Oh, and hey...

544. mum's the word, right?

545. Why tip off my competition?

546. Oops. Looks like

547. you dropped your fork.

548. Let me get that for you.

549. Did you get that?

550. The fork thing?

551. Or should I start

552. writing these down?

553. - No, you're good.

554. We'll keep track.

555. - Great. Love it.

556. - Hi, Jason.

557. - Janet,

558. I'm so happy to see you.

559. I got you a box of chocolates.

560. But then I remembered

561. you can't eat, so I ate them.

562. And I thought

563. it'd be a nice present

564. for me to describe them to you.

565. So...

566. the first one was gross—

567. - Jason, um,

568. please just let me talk.

569. You know that I've

570. been overwhelmed with work

571. since the Neighborhood

572. started.

573. - Yup.

574. - And I asked you

575. to give me some space.

576. - Yup.

577. - I'm so sorry to say this.

578. But I can't be

579. in a relationship

580. with you right now.

581. Being with you is fun,

582. but it's not always easy,

583. and I'm afraid it would

584. endanger the experiment.

585. - It won't, though.

586. - Jason, it already has.

587. So why don't we just

588. take a break

589. until it's all finished.

590. Also, I hate to pile on,

591. but I feel like

592. you have a right to know.

593. The Jacksonville Jaguars

594. cut Blake Bortles.

595. He's not on the team anymore.

596. I am genuinely sorry.

597. - Hi, how are you?

598. Nice to see you.

599. Enjoy your yogurt.

600. - Problem is, now he's saddled

601. with a bad motivation.

602. I mean, his points won't

603. go up if the only reason

604. he's being nice

605. is to make his points go up.

606. - Yeah, but that was

607. also my situation

608. when I first asked

609. Chidi for help.

610. I only did it

611. so you wouldn't catch me.

612. We have to hope that over time

613. Brent starts doing

614. good things out of habit.

615. - Just like you.

616. - Hey,

617. I just realized something.

618. That whole "you're the only one

619. who can save us" speech—

620. you didn't actually have

621. a nervous breakdown

622. on day one, did you?

623. You faked it

624. so that I would step up

625. and take over.

626. Guilty.

627. - You tricky devil!

628. Very clever.

629. All right.

630. Time to go help

631. Simone and Chidi.

632. Oof, why did I

633. come up with this idea?

634. This is gonna hurt

635. real bad.

636. - I know, I know.

637. But I think it's gonna work.

638. - Yeah, but it's gonna

639. suck for me.

640. You sure there's no other girl

641. from Arizona who can do this?

642. What about Emma Stone?

643. She's from there.

644. She's very capable.

645. Remember her in "Zombieland"

646. and "La La Land"?

647. What's with all her movies

648. ending with "land"?

649. - You're stalling.

650. - Yep, heading out.

651. - Jason, I'm so sorry.

652. - Janet was my whole

653. Afterlife.

654. How am I gonna get over her?

655. - I used to have

656. a breakup routine

657. when a relationship ended—

658. Champagne

659. and Alanis Morissette.

660. Not the actual singer.

661. I'd just listen to her albums

662. at my friend Adele's house.

663. - I guess I could do

664. my normal breakup routine—

665. drink a ton of Mountain Dew,

666. steal an ATV,

667. and ride it through

668. a Panda Express.

669. But then I'd have to ask Janet

670. for the Mountain Dew

671. and the ATV,

672. and then I'd have to see Janet,

673. and then I'd start crying.

674. What do I do?

675. - I honestly don't know.

676. But whatever you do,

677. you'll be doing it

678. with your friends.

679. - And I didn't even

680. get to tell you

681. about the Blake Bortles part.

682. - So, Chidi...

683. do you remember

684. that woman Simone

685. from the party the other night?

686. - Simone...

687. the... Third Eye Blind

688. superfan

689. who walked around

690. cutting off people's ponytails?

691. - That's the one.

692. I need your help acclimating

693. her to the Neighborhood.

694. I've tried, but since

695. she thinks this whole thing

696. is imaginary

697. and I'm an authority figure,

698. I'm extra suspicious.

699. - Well, what makes you think

700. I'd have any more luck?

701. - Chidi, you and Simone...

702. Are soul mates.

703. - Soul mates?

704. Like our souls are... are...

705. - Mates. Yes.

706. Everyone has people that

707. they're cosmically bound to,

708. and the system brings

709. them together in the Afterlife,

710. and I can say

711. with complete certainty

712. that you and Simone

713. are two such people.

714. - I haven't told her yet.

715. I wouldn't have

716. told you ordinarily,

717. but since she's gone

718. a little cuckoo bananas—

719. that's the official

720. Architect term—

721. I thought it was prudent

722. to let you know.

723. - Whoo, boy, uh...

724. I'm getting a stomach ache...

725. but a good one.

726. A happy stomach ache.

727. This is new!

728. There are some great writings

729. on simulated realities

730. that might help her adjust—

731. Descartes, Moravec,

732. Zhuang Zhou.

733. I wonder if I can summon

734. a book from my apartment.

735. - Well, good luck.

736. - This is incredible!

737. I spent my whole life

738. in pursuit

739. of fundamental truths

740. about the universe,

741. but I never actually...

742. fell in love with someone.

743. - I know.

744. - Oh, right, of course.

745. You know everything about me.

746. - I do, indeed.

747. - Hi, Simone.

748. Uh, Chidi.

749. From the other night.

750. - Oh, wow.

751. My brain must really like

752. keeping you around.

753. Have a fake seat and grab

754. a yogurt that doesn't exist.

755. - Right, um...

756. so if I understand

757. your state of mind,

758. it's basically solipsism.

759. You think that you're the only

760. real thing in the universe

761. and everything else stems

762. from your consciousness.

763. - Yes, but to be fair,

764. I only think that because

765. it's true and I'm right.

766. - No offense,

767. but solipsism as a philosophy

768. is pretty juvenile,

769. especially for a person

770. with multiple advanced degrees.

771. It's also impossible to refute

772. because everything you see

773. is confirmed by your belief.

774. However...

775. Dude.

776. - What? I mean,

777. if none of this is real,

778. then it really

779. shouldn't matter, right?

780. In fact...

781. - Ha. Dude!

782. - What?

783. It's not real!

784. None of this matters.

785. Leave that on your nose

786. for the rest of time.

787. - Fine. Point sort of taken.

788. - You know,

789. in a larger sense,

790. if you go around acting

791. like no one else matters

792. then you end up

793. doing things like

794. knocking over cakes

795. and pushing

796. people into pools

797. and just generally

798. acting like a jerk.

799. Why not treat them better

800. just in case they're real?

801. I mean, what do you have

802. to lose by treating people

803. with kindness and respect?

804. - Okay, keep talking,

805. probably fake, but maybe real,

806. philosopher man.

807. - Well, good news—Simone

808. and Chidi are hitting it off.

809. I mean, I wasn't getting any

810. use out of him as a boyfriend,

811. so why not pass him off

812. to someone in need?

813. Is this what donating old

814. bras to Goodwill feels like?

815. - Must've been really hard

816. lying to Chidi like that.

817. - That's the thing.

818. I don't know that it was a lie.

819. They did fall in love on Earth,

820. and Michael was right.

821. Chidi made a huge

822. sacrifice for us,

823. and I had to make sure

824. it was worth it.

825. - It's arguable that you made

826. an even bigger sacrifice.

827. You actually have to live

828. with this situation.

829. Chidi just gets

830. to go around blissfully

831. unaware of what he gave up.

832. - Yeah, but we know

833. what he gave up.

834. - Dat ash.

835. - Come on, bud,

836. I know you're down,

837. but you can't

838. leaving me hanging.

839. - You're right.

840. That is the code.