1. - Michael designsCopy !req
2. the new neighborhood.Copy !req
3. The Bad Place gets to chooseCopy !req
4. the four new humans.Copy !req
5. The other residentsCopy !req
6. will be Janet Babies.Copy !req
7. - You know,Copy !req
8. if we pooled our resources,Copy !req
9. we could be done in two shakesCopy !req
10. of a lamb's Derek.Copy !req
11. - Thanks, Derek.Copy !req
12. - When you fail,Copy !req
13. the four humansCopy !req
14. will be torturedCopy !req
15. for all eternity.Copy !req
16. But guess who's going toCopy !req
17. be doing the torturing?Copy !req
18. We built a Michael suit.Copy !req
19. - I can't do it.Copy !req
20. It's too scary.Copy !req
21. - Hi, John, I'm the architect.Copy !req
22. Come on in.Copy !req
23. - The Bad Place didn'tCopy !req
24. pick the worst people.Copy !req
25. They picked the peopleCopy !req
26. who would be the worst for us.Copy !req
27. - You need to eraseCopy !req
28. my memory and reboot me.Copy !req
29. - Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor.Copy !req
30. Come on in.Copy !req
31. - Wow!Copy !req
32. Just... wow!Copy !req
33. It's perfect.Copy !req
34. Everything is just perfect.Copy !req
35. I am so, so happy.Copy !req
36. - I'm glad you like it.Copy !req
37. - It's so quaint—Copy !req
38. it feels cozy,Copy !req
39. but also vibrant and limitless.Copy !req
40. I can't believe how—Copy !req
41. how utterly, completely,Copy !req
42. 100% perfect everything is...Copy !req
43. - You know,Copy !req
44. let's keep this moving.Copy !req
45. - Oh, yeah, sure.Copy !req
46. - Here is your new home,Copy !req
47. complete with twoCopy !req
48. of your favorite things:Copy !req
49. floor-to-ceilingCopy !req
50. bookshelves and—Copy !req
51. - Reading lights!Copy !req
52. I love reading lights.Copy !req
53. They are great for reading.Copy !req
54. - And, oh, check this out.Copy !req
55. Um, hold out your hand.Copy !req
56. And think about a book.Copy !req
57. - Whoa-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
58. I can summon philosophy booksCopy !req
59. like Thor's hammer.Copy !req
60. This is literallyCopy !req
61. my number one dream.Copy !req
62. Also... ow!Copy !req
63. That hurt.Copy !req
64. - Well, I haveCopy !req
65. a lot to attend to.Copy !req
66. Um... welcomeCopy !req
67. to the Good Place, Chidi.Copy !req
68. - Thank you so much.Copy !req
69. Ah... and I'm—I'm sorry.Copy !req
70. This has been so overwhelming,Copy !req
71. I-I forgot your name.Copy !req
72. - Eleanor.Copy !req
73. - Eleanor, right.Copy !req
74. Sorry.Copy !req
75. Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.Copy !req
76. Now I'll never forget.Copy !req
77. - Well, you might!Copy !req
78. Okay, can we not...Copy !req
79. - Oh, Eleanor,Copy !req
80. you did a brave thingCopy !req
81. and I am embracing youCopy !req
82. and I shall not let you go.Copy !req
83. - And I'm also embracing youCopy !req
84. because this feels warmCopy !req
85. and my hands are cold.Copy !req
86. - Guys, I'm good.Copy !req
87. Honestly.Copy !req
88. Wasn't even as badCopy !req
89. as I thought.Copy !req
90. I mean, who cares if heCopy !req
91. doesn't remember my name?Copy !req
92. - Oof... I mean, cool.Copy !req
93. - Good save, bud.Copy !req
94. Let's just concentrateCopy !req
95. on the next resident,Copy !req
96. who gets here in...Copy !req
97. six minutes.Copy !req
98. - Wait.Copy !req
99. I need to say something.Copy !req
100. I know this seems bleakCopy !req
101. and it feels like we're allCopy !req
102. doomed and thereforeCopy !req
103. humanity is doomed.Copy !req
104. - You needed to say that?Copy !req
105. - The point is, I believeCopy !req
106. that we're destined to succeed.Copy !req
107. There is nothing thatCopy !req
108. the Bad Place can throw at usCopy !req
109. that we can't handle,Copy !req
110. because we are an incredible,Copy !req
111. inspiring,Copy !req
112. brilliant group of...Copy !req
113. - Supercharged, d-bag,Copy !req
114. ass-wiping maniacs.Copy !req
115. I mean, look at you.Copy !req
116. I am so proudCopy !req
117. of how disgustingCopy !req
118. and cruel you all are.Copy !req
119. You suck.Copy !req
120. You all suck donkey butts.Copy !req
121. - Tahani—so, so smart,Copy !req
122. and sophisticated.Copy !req
123. She was the only oneCopy !req
124. who was able to talkCopy !req
125. me out of that goatee.Copy !req
126. - Well, I lost that battleCopy !req
127. with Robert Downey Jr.,Copy !req
128. and I'll be damnedCopy !req
129. if I lose it with you.Copy !req
130. - Bambadjan—such anCopy !req
131. unbelievable dingus.Copy !req
132. - And Val.Copy !req
133. Who's a bigger skidmarkCopy !req
134. than Val?Copy !req
135. - Maybe your mom.Copy !req
136. - Classic.Copy !req
137. - We have Janet,Copy !req
138. who can do literally anything.Copy !req
139. She made all the otherCopy !req
140. people in the neighborhood.Copy !req
141. - Not people.Copy !req
142. - We have me,Copy !req
143. who had a momentary setback,Copy !req
144. but I'm feeling great now.Copy !req
145. And that was awhile ago.Copy !req
146. Most of you don't evenCopy !req
147. remember it, probably.Copy !req
148. We have Jason,Copy !req
149. who can...Copy !req
150. And marching us into battle,Copy !req
151. our fearless leader,Copy !req
152. the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,Copy !req
153. Eleanor Shellstrop!Copy !req
154. - Yay, Eleanor!Copy !req
155. - Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
156. - Technically,Copy !req
157. the pride of PhoenixCopy !req
158. is a life-size statueCopy !req
159. of Alice CooperCopy !req
160. made from cigarette butts.Copy !req
161. It's outside City Hall.Copy !req
162. But thank youCopy !req
163. for the kind words.Copy !req
164. - With this team,Copy !req
165. there's no problemCopy !req
166. we can't solve.Copy !req
167. - There is no problemCopy !req
168. we can't create.Copy !req
169. And believe me, we areCopy !req
170. gonna create some a-problems.Copy !req
171. So let's kick things off withCopy !req
172. our official Bad Place song.Copy !req
173. - Ooh, are we singing?Copy !req
174. - Shut up, Glenn.Copy !req
175. - I think you look great.Copy !req
176. Professional, serious.Copy !req
177. A proper team leader.Copy !req
178. - It does make meCopy !req
179. feel authoritative,Copy !req
180. like that chickCopy !req
181. from "Law and Order."Copy !req
182. Well, boys,Copy !req
183. looks like we gotCopy !req
184. ourselves an SVU.Copy !req
185. I've never seen the show.Copy !req
186. Okay, who we got next?Copy !req
187. Linda?Copy !req
188. Come on in.Copy !req
189. So you, Linda Johannsen,Copy !req
190. are in the Good Place.Copy !req
191. - That's nice.Copy !req
192. - I know this can beCopy !req
193. a little overwhelming,Copy !req
194. but you'll get used to it.Copy !req
195. Do you have any questions?Copy !req
196. - Is there a fitness center?Copy !req
197. - There can be,Copy !req
198. plus literally anything elseCopy !req
199. you could possibly wish for.Copy !req
200. - Just in caseCopy !req
201. we weren't clear,Copy !req
202. this is the Good Place.Copy !req
203. A state of eternal happiness.Copy !req
204. Paradise.Copy !req
205. - That's nice.Copy !req
206. I like that.Copy !req
207. - So the Bad Place sentCopy !req
208. Simone to mess with Chidi,Copy !req
209. John to mess with Tahani—Copy !req
210. do you think they sent LindaCopy !req
211. to mess with Jason?Copy !req
212. She's from Norway—Copy !req
213. is Norway, like,Copy !req
214. the opposite of Florida?Copy !req
215. - All I know is she's boring.Copy !req
216. She makes Neutral JanetCopy !req
217. look like Disco Janet.Copy !req
218. Disco Janet was aroundCopy !req
219. for awhile, years ago.Copy !req
220. She was great.Copy !req
221. I mean, she was a lot,Copy !req
222. but she was fun.Copy !req
223. - Actually, that's a good idea.Copy !req
224. Let's unload this dead weight.Copy !req
225. Janet?Copy !req
226. - Hi, there.Copy !req
227. - Linda, this is Janet.Copy !req
228. If you want anything at all,Copy !req
229. Janet can bring it to you.Copy !req
230. Watch.Copy !req
231. Janet, can I haveCopy !req
232. a baby elephantCopy !req
233. made of pure lightCopy !req
234. that tells you true secretsCopy !req
235. about the universe?Copy !req
236. - Shirley Temple killed JFK.Copy !req
237. - See?Copy !req
238. Anything you want from Janet?Copy !req
239. - Can I have...Copy !req
240. a peppermint?Copy !req
241. - Sure.Copy !req
242. - I'm gonna go over there now.Copy !req
243. - Stonehenge was a sex thing.Copy !req
244. - Brent?Copy !req
245. Come on in.Copy !req
246. So you,Copy !req
247. Brent Norwalk, are dead.Copy !req
248. - Really?Copy !req
249. Well, that blows.Copy !req
250. Ah, you know what, maybeCopy !req
251. it's a good thing, actually.Copy !req
252. Some journalistCopy !req
253. was poking around,Copy !req
254. calling all these ladiesCopy !req
255. who used to work for me.Copy !req
256. You can't evenCopy !req
257. make a joke these days!Copy !req
258. Everything is so PC.Copy !req
259. And I was an equal-opportunityCopy !req
260. offender, okay?Copy !req
261. I made jokes about everybody,Copy !req
262. and by the way,Copy !req
263. I'm the furthest thingCopy !req
264. from racist.Copy !req
265. My dentist was a black woman.Copy !req
266. I just think peopleCopy !req
267. need to loosen up.Copy !req
268. So, where am I, exactly?Copy !req
269. - The Good Place.Copy !req
270. - Oh, cool.Copy !req
271. Good.Copy !req
272. - So, Brent,Copy !req
273. I see from your fileCopy !req
274. you were inCopy !req
275. the materials business.Copy !req
276. - Oh, yeah, big time.Copy !req
277. Strings, chords,Copy !req
278. vinyl, synthetics, rubber—Copy !req
279. we do vulcanized now,Copy !req
280. so that's huge.Copy !req
281. Plus metals—aluminum,Copy !req
282. brass, copper... what else...Copy !req
283. - Steel?Copy !req
284. - No, not steel.Copy !req
285. Steel's a sucker's game.Copy !req
286. Polymers, coatings, internals—Copy !req
287. you crack open an HVAC?Copy !req
288. That is all us.Copy !req
289. Is there golf here?Copy !req
290. There freaking better be.Copy !req
291. - Okay, well, why don't youCopy !req
292. explore around a bitCopy !req
293. while I go far awayCopy !req
294. and if you need anything,Copy !req
295. you can always ask Janet.Copy !req
296. Janet?Copy !req
297. - Hi, there.Copy !req
298. How can I help you?Copy !req
299. - Oh, a secretary.Copy !req
300. Great.Copy !req
301. - Not a secretary.Copy !req
302. - Fine, fine.Copy !req
303. Executive assistant.Copy !req
304. Here we go with all the termsCopy !req
305. we gotta learn, right?Copy !req
306. Vice-president of helping.Copy !req
307. Captain Marvel.Copy !req
308. You know what I'm saying.Copy !req
309. - Oh, I'm not part of this.Copy !req
310. - Let me show you around.Copy !req
311. - Well, Linda mustCopy !req
312. be here for Jason becauseCopy !req
313. Brent is definitely hereCopy !req
314. to annoy the fork out of me.Copy !req
315. - Everyone, you mayCopy !req
316. remember Matt from accounting.Copy !req
317. The Judge has assigned himCopy !req
318. to our project.Copy !req
319. - So I'll be monitoringCopy !req
320. the four new humans.Copy !req
321. A modified point system willCopy !req
322. be applied to their actionsCopy !req
323. for the next year,Copy !req
324. and then we'll know how muchCopy !req
325. better or worseCopy !req
326. their behavior isCopy !req
327. than when they were alive.Copy !req
328. But no one will be ableCopy !req
329. to see what's happeningCopy !req
330. in real time.Copy !req
331. Good luck saving humanityCopy !req
332. from eternal doom.Copy !req
333. - Okay, forget aboutCopy !req
334. all that stuff.Copy !req
335. For this first week,Copy !req
336. all we need to do is figure outCopy !req
337. what the fork is upCopy !req
338. with these benches.Copy !req
339. So, I made this.Copy !req
340. We start 'em out on this side,Copy !req
341. because we're like,Copy !req
342. "What's her deal?"Copy !req
343. And when we feel we haveCopy !req
344. a handle on who they are,Copy !req
345. what makes them tick,Copy !req
346. we move them to this side—Copy !req
347. party time.Copy !req
348. We already knowCopy !req
349. a lot about Simone...Copy !req
350. so...Copy !req
351. boom, see?Copy !req
352. One down, three to go.Copy !req
353. - Let's go figure outCopy !req
354. the others.Copy !req
355. We can do this.Copy !req
356. On three.Copy !req
357. Dead eyes,Copy !req
358. eat hearts, can't lose.Copy !req
359. Ah, sorry.Copy !req
360. Old Bad Place rally cry.Copy !req
361. - Aww, aww.Copy !req
362. - Janet!Copy !req
363. He's walking around again.Copy !req
364. - Yeah, I see that.Copy !req
365. Derek, what are you doing here?Copy !req
366. You're supposed to stayCopy !req
367. at Mindy's.Copy !req
368. - I can't help it.Copy !req
369. I'm just suchCopy !req
370. a proud daddy Derek.Copy !req
371. I mean,Copy !req
372. will you look at all theseCopy !req
373. beautiful babies that we made?Copy !req
374. - She made them, dude.Copy !req
375. You barely did anything.Copy !req
376. Probably just, like,Copy !req
377. made all the butts.Copy !req
378. - I did make all the butts.Copy !req
379. I made that butt...Copy !req
380. I made that butt...Copy !req
381. - Right.Copy !req
382. - I made both those butts.Copy !req
383. - Derek, you have to stayCopy !req
384. at Mindy's house.Copy !req
385. What if one of our new humansCopy !req
386. sees you and startsCopy !req
387. asking questionsCopy !req
388. about the weirdo in the tux?Copy !req
389. - Say no more,Copy !req
390. but before I leave,Copy !req
391. can I have a hug in celebrationCopy !req
392. of everything that we created?Copy !req
393. - Okay.Copy !req
394. - Aww.Copy !req
395. That feels so... Derek.Copy !req
396. - Oh.Copy !req
397. - You are all,Copy !req
398. simply put, good people.Copy !req
399. The point of the videoCopy !req
400. is to make them all confrontCopy !req
401. what kind of peopleCopy !req
402. they were on earth.Copy !req
403. Keep a close eyeCopy !req
404. on our four subjects.Copy !req
405. Try to gaugeCopy !req
406. their reactions, you know?Copy !req
407. The subtlest glances,Copy !req
408. the tiniest flinches.Copy !req
409. - What about shakingCopy !req
410. someone by the head?Copy !req
411. What does that mean?Copy !req
412. - Oh, boy.Copy !req
413. - Hey, Simone,Copy !req
414. everything okay?Copy !req
415. - Yeah, well, no—well,Copy !req
416. actually, it doesn't matter.Copy !req
417. None of this is real.Copy !req
418. - Sorry?Copy !req
419. - I'm a neuroscientist,Copy !req
420. so I get what's going on here.Copy !req
421. You know, clearly, I was inCopy !req
422. some kind of horrible accident,Copy !req
423. I'm on my deathbed,Copy !req
424. and this entire thingCopy !req
425. is just a hallucinationCopy !req
426. constructed by my damaged brainCopy !req
427. as it slowly shuts down.Copy !req
428. It's not real,Copy !req
429. so I'm just gonna wander aroundCopy !req
430. until I wake up or die.Copy !req
431. See you later,Copy !req
432. figments of my imagination!Copy !req
433. - She's just gonna goCopy !req
434. get some popcornCopy !req
435. from the... river.Copy !req
436. There's a popcorn river.Copy !req
437. I'll show you guys later.Copy !req
438. Uh, she said keep goingCopy !req
439. without her, so let's roll it.Copy !req
440. Janet, make a popcorn river.Copy !req
441. Everyone else,Copy !req
442. meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.Copy !req
443. Well... we're offCopy !req
444. to a fantastic start.Copy !req
445. - I wish I could stay and help,Copy !req
446. but this system is so complexCopy !req
447. that if I lose concentrationCopy !req
448. for even one billionthCopy !req
449. of a second,Copy !req
450. the entire neighborhoodCopy !req
451. could collapse in on itselfCopy !req
452. like a dying star.Copy !req
453. Also, Brent wants a BLT.Copy !req
454. - Simone's reactionCopy !req
455. is fairly common.Copy !req
456. When I worked in the Bad Place,Copy !req
457. some people just wouldn'tCopy !req
458. believe it when they heardCopy !req
459. they were dead.Copy !req
460. - How did you convince them?Copy !req
461. - They'd usually come aroundCopy !req
462. by the third or fourth dayCopy !req
463. of mouth fleas.Copy !req
464. Obviously not an option here.Copy !req
465. But, if Simone doesn'tCopy !req
466. think this is real,Copy !req
467. she definitely won'tCopy !req
468. become a better person.Copy !req
469. - Who can convince her thatCopy !req
470. this actually is the afterlife?Copy !req
471. We need someoneCopy !req
472. authoritative and reassuring,Copy !req
473. like... Nelson MandelaCopy !req
474. or Sir Patrick StewartCopy !req
475. or really any of my oldCopy !req
476. racquetball partners would do.Copy !req
477. - Oh, I know who it should be.Copy !req
478. - If you say Blake Bortles,Copy !req
479. I'm gonna slap you a lot.Copy !req
480. - Chidi!Copy !req
481. I believe everythingCopy !req
482. Chidi ever tells meCopy !req
483. because of his brainCopy !req
484. and how he looksCopy !req
485. like one of those owlsCopy !req
486. that graduated from college.Copy !req
487. - Of course.Copy !req
488. Time to activateCopy !req
489. our ethical sleeper agentCopy !req
490. and introduce him to Simone.Copy !req
491. - Eh, I don't know,Copy !req
492. Simone isn't strugglingCopy !req
493. with a philosophy problem.Copy !req
494. She's just, you know,Copy !req
495. like... being silly.Copy !req
496. Let's just get herCopy !req
497. to the welcome partyCopy !req
498. and I'm sure she'll be fine.Copy !req
499. - Eleanor!Copy !req
500. Look what my brain did!Copy !req
501. It's not realCopy !req
502. and neither are you.Copy !req
503. - Okay, I know this is badCopy !req
504. and we need a new approach,Copy !req
505. but... she is wearing the hellCopy !req
506. out of those foam fingers.Copy !req
507. - Dude! Janet told youCopy !req
508. to stay at Mindy's.Copy !req
509. - I know, I just cameCopy !req
510. to mix myself a Derek,Copy !req
511. and then I'll be on my way.Copy !req
512. - Before you leave,Copy !req
513. I want to call a truce.Copy !req
514. - Hmm?Copy !req
515. - Feel like you're tryingCopy !req
516. to get under my skin,Copy !req
517. but it's okay.Copy !req
518. I've decided to rise above it.Copy !req
519. - Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.Copy !req
520. Let me say in response...Copy !req
521. I will destroy you.Copy !req
522. Janet is, and always will be,Copy !req
523. my mommy-girlfriend.Copy !req
524. You have crossedCopy !req
525. the Rubicon now, pal.Copy !req
526. Mmm...Copy !req
527. - Okay, status report.Copy !req
528. What have we learnedCopy !req
529. about Linda?Copy !req
530. - Little, I'm afraid—Copy !req
531. I tried talking to her,Copy !req
532. but it was the dullestCopy !req
533. conversation I have ever had,Copy !req
534. and this is coming fromCopy !req
535. someone who once split a XanaxCopy !req
536. with Peter Sarsgaard.Copy !req
537. - Frankly,Copy !req
538. I'm glad she's boring.Copy !req
539. We have enough to worry about.Copy !req
540. How is Brent doing?Copy !req
541. - About the same, I'd say.Copy !req
542. - Princeton.Copy !req
543. Graduated in the top halfCopy !req
544. of the bottom half of my class.Copy !req
545. Rowing team,Copy !req
546. sailing team, class president.Copy !req
547. I hung out with all those guys.Copy !req
548. - Okay, and John,Copy !req
549. our favorite gossip columnist?Copy !req
550. - Luckily, before I died,Copy !req
551. I pumped my faceCopy !req
552. with six vials of Juvederm.Copy !req
553. I'm hoping that my corpseCopy !req
554. looks like a waxed tile floor.Copy !req
555. My ex-boyf is goingCopy !req
556. to be supes jel.Copy !req
557. Okay, well,Copy !req
558. I'm gonna do a loop.Copy !req
559. Trying to see who gets me.Copy !req
560. - Our biggest liabilityCopy !req
561. right now is Simone.Copy !req
562. Let's try to keep the threeCopy !req
563. of them away from her.Copy !req
564. We can't wait any longer.Copy !req
565. We have to introduceCopy !req
566. Simone to Chidi.Copy !req
567. - Why?Copy !req
568. I-I think she's doing great.Copy !req
569. See, she's gettingCopy !req
570. all the cake-pushingCopy !req
571. out of her system.Copy !req
572. - I know it's painfulCopy !req
573. to think of the two of them...Copy !req
574. connecting, but Chidi madeCopy !req
575. an incredible sacrifice.Copy !req
576. He had his memories erasedCopy !req
577. so he could help people.Copy !req
578. And if we don'tCopy !req
579. let him help Simone,Copy !req
580. it'll be all for nothing.Copy !req
581. - Fine.Copy !req
582. Stupid... ethical...Copy !req
583. reasonable argument.Copy !req
584. I wish you were a cake.Copy !req
585. Push you over.Copy !req
586. - Are you still muttering?Copy !req
587. - No!Copy !req
588. I stopped.Copy !req
589. Stupid, good-hearing,Copy !req
590. reformed demon...Copy !req
591. - Wow.Copy !req
592. - Oh!Copy !req
593. - Hey, there, Simone.Copy !req
594. Shoving peopleCopy !req
595. in the pool, huh?Copy !req
596. - Yeah, just testingCopy !req
597. the laws of physicsCopy !req
598. here in my nonsense brain jail.Copy !req
599. Who's this?Copy !req
600. - Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye.Copy !req
601. He was a professorCopy !req
602. of ethics and moral philosophy,Copy !req
603. so I figured he mightCopy !req
604. be able to help...Copy !req
605. - Chidi Anagonye,Copy !req
606. that sounds so familiar.Copy !req
607. Where did you teach?Copy !req
608. - St. John's UniversityCopy !req
609. in Sydney.Copy !req
610. - Of course!Copy !req
611. I used to teach there.Copy !req
612. I must've seen his nameCopy !req
613. on the faculty listCopy !req
614. and now my dying brainCopy !req
615. is just leaking outCopy !req
616. random information.Copy !req
617. Oh, the human mindCopy !req
618. is truly incredible!Copy !req
619. - Look, sorry, uh, what—Copy !req
620. what's happening now?Copy !req
621. - When I was a kid,Copy !req
622. my CD alarm clock brokeCopy !req
623. and it used to wake me upCopy !req
624. to that song every day,Copy !req
625. so now I'm singing itCopy !req
626. to try and wake myself up.Copy !req
627. - Okay, well, nice meeting you.Copy !req
628. - Nice to meet you too,Copy !req
629. cute guy generatedCopy !req
630. by my rapidly decayingCopy !req
631. temporal lobe.Copy !req
632. - Hey—Copy !req
633. - You know, it's bad enoughCopy !req
634. you guys have taken overCopy !req
635. my house for a yearCopy !req
636. and I've had to moveCopy !req
637. into the attic,Copy !req
638. but now I have to walk inCopy !req
639. to find Darth Vader's turdCopy !req
640. in the middleCopy !req
641. of my living room.Copy !req
642. I mean, what is this?Copy !req
643. - No time to explain.Copy !req
644. Also, I kind of forgot.Copy !req
645. Where is Derek's plunger?Copy !req
646. The one that kills him.Copy !req
647. - Yeah, I used to do thisCopy !req
648. whenever I neededCopy !req
649. some alone time.Copy !req
650. Once, I rebooted himCopy !req
651. just because he wasCopy !req
652. breathing super loud.Copy !req
653. Then, when he woke up,Copy !req
654. he was like, "I don't breathe."Copy !req
655. So I don't know what I heard.Copy !req
656. - Well, I'm doing this becauseCopy !req
657. he's tryingCopy !req
658. to steal my girlfriend.Copy !req
659. - Yeah, you don't needCopy !req
660. to justify it.Copy !req
661. Again, I do it all the time.Copy !req
662. - No, no, no, Mindy,Copy !req
663. please wait, don't kill me!Copy !req
664. Oh... it's you?Copy !req
665. Okay, well, you certainlyCopy !req
666. don't have the Dereks to...Copy !req
667. Yeah!Copy !req
668. Oh, it's always good.Copy !req
669. - You know what, Simone?Copy !req
670. Think of it this way.Copy !req
671. If this is reallyCopy !req
672. all a hallucination,Copy !req
673. doesn't it seem kind of basic?Copy !req
674. I mean, surely, your brainCopy !req
675. would imagine somethingCopy !req
676. weirder than justCopy !req
677. a nice cocktail party?Copy !req
678. - Oh, you mean like that?Copy !req
679. - Attention,Copy !req
680. I have been Dereked.Copy !req
681. - That's probably my doctor.Copy !req
682. Oh, this is all in my head.Copy !req
683. I'm gonna go eat a knife.Copy !req
684. - Attention.Copy !req
685. Murder has been me.Copy !req
686. - Let me get this straight:Copy !req
687. Derek, quote,Copy !req
688. "made mean eyes at you,"Copy !req
689. so you went to Mindy's houseCopy !req
690. and murdered him?Copy !req
691. - Yeah, dog,Copy !req
692. but his eyes were really mean.Copy !req
693. You're probablyCopy !req
694. thinking this...Copy !req
695. but they were more like this...Copy !req
696. - Jason, why did youCopy !req
697. kill Derek?Copy !req
698. I had to get his giant headCopy !req
699. out of the skyCopy !req
700. before any of the humansCopy !req
701. could see, and it was not easy.Copy !req
702. - I was scared Derek was tryingCopy !req
703. to slide into your DMs.Copy !req
704. I hate being scared.Copy !req
705. It's—it's scary.Copy !req
706. - I don't have time for this.Copy !req
707. I am running a neighborhoodCopy !req
708. and its residents,Copy !req
709. and EleanorCopy !req
710. just casually orders meCopy !req
711. to make popcorn rivers,Copy !req
712. and Brent won't stopCopy !req
713. calling me for stuff.Copy !req
714. Ugh!Copy !req
715. - Are we stillCopy !req
716. boyfriend-not-a-girlfriend?Copy !req
717. - We'll talk about it later.Copy !req
718. - Okay, executive decision:Copy !req
719. forget about Simone.Copy !req
720. Janet, make sureCopy !req
721. she doesn't come in contactCopy !req
722. with the other humans.Copy !req
723. Let's focus on Linda.Copy !req
724. We ought to be ableCopy !req
725. to figure her outCopy !req
726. if we can justCopy !req
727. liven her up a bit.Copy !req
728. We'll just, like,Copy !req
729. sprinkle some cocaineCopy !req
730. on her peppermintsCopy !req
731. or something.Copy !req
732. - Does anyone elseCopy !req
733. find it suspiciousCopy !req
734. that the Bad Place sentCopy !req
735. someone so dull?Copy !req
736. - No, it makes perfect senseCopy !req
737. to me.Copy !req
738. They are tryingCopy !req
739. to drive us insaneCopy !req
740. by giving us a big boring globCopy !req
741. of plain yogurt.Copy !req
742. Tomorrow morning,Copy !req
743. we start Operation Linda.Copy !req
744. - Okay, you heard the lady.Copy !req
745. We'll meet in the town squareCopy !req
746. bright and early.Copy !req
747. Janet, set up for Flying Day.Copy !req
748. - Cool.Copy !req
749. I'm not busy or anything,Copy !req
750. so that'll be easy.Copy !req
751. Off you go.Copy !req
752. - Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
753. - Linda, how are you enjoyingCopy !req
754. the Good Place?Copy !req
755. - It's good.Copy !req
756. - Everyone's flying.Copy !req
757. You don't want to go flyingCopy !req
758. any higher?Copy !req
759. - No, thanks.Copy !req
760. - Oh, well, okay.Copy !req
761. Says in your fileCopy !req
762. that you like knitting.Copy !req
763. Would you like to doCopy !req
764. some knitting right now?Copy !req
765. - No, thanks.Copy !req
766. - Is there another activityCopy !req
767. you'd like to do now?Copy !req
768. You also enjoyedCopy !req
769. listening to birds.Copy !req
770. Man, Linda,Copy !req
771. you don't even look at them?Copy !req
772. - Let's go hear some birds.Copy !req
773. What do you say?Copy !req
774. - I'm gonna goCopy !req
775. get another peppermint.Copy !req
776. - Come on, Lins.Copy !req
777. You can have literally anythingCopy !req
778. you could poss—Copy !req
779. - What the—Copy !req
780. [dramatic pounding,Copy !req
781. air whooshing]Copy !req
782. - Okay, so...Copy !req
783. Maybe she's less boringCopy !req
784. than I thought.Copy !req
785. - So let meCopy !req
786. get this straight, Shawn:Copy !req
787. you sent a demon in disguiseCopy !req
788. as one of the subjects?Copy !req
789. - Yes, he did, Your Honor.Copy !req
790. Luckily, none of the otherCopy !req
791. test subjects sawCopy !req
792. the mess he made,Copy !req
793. but he put the experimentCopy !req
794. at riskCopy !req
795. and he attacked me and Eleanor.Copy !req
796. And I'm sorry,Copy !req
797. where's your shirt?Copy !req
798. - I think it got stuckCopy !req
799. in the skin suit.Copy !req
800. - Well, keep it there.Copy !req
801. - Damn it, Chris,Copy !req
802. you were supposedCopy !req
803. to slowly undermine themCopy !req
804. and gradually sabotageCopy !req
805. the experiment,Copy !req
806. not just go ham on day two,Copy !req
807. you fart plume.Copy !req
808. - I told you, I'm not an actor.Copy !req
809. - And when you get back here,Copy !req
810. you won't be anything.Copy !req
811. Okay, fine, yes, busted.Copy !req
812. I'm a rascal.Copy !req
813. We'll come pick him upCopy !req
814. and replace himCopy !req
815. with an actual human.Copy !req
816. - Oh, you will doCopy !req
817. nothing of the sort, mon ami.Copy !req
818. This outrageous actCopy !req
819. must be punished.Copy !req
820. Chidi will be the fourthCopy !req
821. subject in this experiment.Copy !req
822. - No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
823. - He's perfectCopy !req
824. because he's already hadCopy !req
825. his memories erased.Copy !req
826. Although you can't eraseCopy !req
827. that booty,Copy !req
828. know what I'm saying, blondie?Copy !req
829. - All due respect, Your Honor,Copy !req
830. keep it in your robe.Copy !req
831. - What she means is thank you,Copy !req
832. Your Honor, we accept.Copy !req
833. Chidi's gonna beCopy !req
834. our fourth subject.Copy !req
835. - Chidi can't be partCopy !req
836. of the experiment.Copy !req
837. They already knowCopy !req
838. that he can improve.Copy !req
839. That's like studyingCopy !req
840. for a test,Copy !req
841. then acing the test.Copy !req
842. It's cheating.Copy !req
843. - How is that cheating?Copy !req
844. You're just falsely accusing usCopy !req
845. of what you actually did.Copy !req
846. - No,Copy !req
847. that's what you're doing.Copy !req
848. - Shawn, I don't have timeCopy !req
849. for this.Copy !req
850. I just started "Deadwood"--Copy !req
851. finally—Copy !req
852. and I need my daily doseCopy !req
853. of Timothy Olyphant,Copy !req
854. so I'm gonna make this short.Copy !req
855. If you so much as breatheCopy !req
856. on this experiment again,Copy !req
857. I will restartCopy !req
858. the entire thing from scratch,Copy !req
859. and then I will personallyCopy !req
860. rip off your eyelidsCopy !req
861. and make you watchCopy !req
862. heartwarming videosCopy !req
863. of soldiers coming homeCopy !req
864. to their dogs.Copy !req
865. - Whoa, slow down.Copy !req
866. - Did you putCopy !req
867. those trash cans thereCopy !req
868. just so you couldCopy !req
869. crash into them?Copy !req
870. - That wasn't my fault,Copy !req
871. I was texting.Copy !req
872. Okay, let him go, dung buckets.Copy !req
873. - Nice try.Copy !req
874. We'll put him on the trainCopy !req
875. and handcuff him to a bench.Copy !req
876. Yeah, forgive usCopy !req
877. if we don't trust youCopy !req
878. not to cheat again.Copy !req
879. - Surprised you figured outCopy !req
880. that Linda was a fake,Copy !req
881. because we all thoughtCopy !req
882. you were too stupid.Copy !req
883. - Well, it was actually TahaniCopy !req
884. who got suspicious.Copy !req
885. - Aww... that is soCopy !req
886. embarrassing for you.Copy !req
887. Seems like you're royallyCopy !req
888. forking this up,Copy !req
889. just like we knew you would.Copy !req
890. - Okay, take off,Copy !req
891. and give ShawnCopy !req
892. a message for me.Copy !req
893. Tell him that we said,Copy !req
894. "Boo-yah!"Copy !req
895. Make sure you doCopy !req
896. the hand motion.Copy !req
897. Like, "Boo-yah!"Copy !req
898. Are you listening to me?Copy !req
899. - Okay, Michael, that's fine.Copy !req
900. - No, show me—Copy !req
901. show me how you're gonna do it.Copy !req
902. No, it's importantCopy !req
903. that she does the hand thing,Copy !req
904. 'cause it reallyCopy !req
905. drives the point home.Copy !req