1. Okay, okay, okay.
Let's do sophomore year of high school.Copy !req
2. -Uh, Nathan Burlingame.
-Didn't like you.Copy !req
3. Huh. Kylie Mansard?Copy !req
4. Thought you were cool but intimidating.Copy !req
5. No way! I thought she was intimidating.
That's why I shoved her into that creek.Copy !req
6. Well, after my chili episode,
I asked the administrationCopy !req
7. for a one-year sabbatical,
and good news...Copy !req
8. they fired me.Copy !req
9. So, I am free and easy!Copy !req
10. Well, the rest of the Soul Squad
is off helping Jason's dad.Copy !req
11. Who are we saving?Copy !req
12. No one from my high school.
I will tell you that much.Copy !req
13. Well, before we do anything,
I have to break things off with Simone.Copy !req
14. If I slip up
and tell her about the universe,Copy !req
15. it could doom her for eternity.Copy !req
16. And I've avoided talking to her
for so long,Copy !req
17. she assumed I had laryngitis
and it went too far.Copy !req
18. Now, I'm on antibiotics.Copy !req
19. Okay, settle down. Your moral code
means you can't lie, right?Copy !req
20. You need to just ghost her.
Disappear, block her number.Copy !req
21. Bonus, anything she left in your apartment
now legally belongs to you.Copy !req
22. I've done that to dozens of people,
and all of them got over it.Copy !req
23. Actually, none of your exes
have ever gotten over you.Copy !req
24. You're damn right they didn't.Copy !req
25. I just wish I could end things in a way
that I knew wouldn't hurt her.Copy !req
26. [Janet] Bing!Copy !req
27. I usually appear out of thin airCopy !req
28. and there would be
a pleasant "bing" sound,Copy !req
29. but I don't have my powers,
so I'm doing my own bings now.Copy !req
30. Bing!Copy !req
31. Chidi, what if I could create
a virtual reality simulationCopy !req
32. where you could practice
different breakup scenarios?Copy !req
33. -You can do that?
-I think so.Copy !req
34. I do know everything about you,
and Simone,Copy !req
35. and computer programming,
and virtual reality,Copy !req
36. and artificial intelligence,
and the human brain,Copy !req
37. and everything else!
I'm kind of a nerd.Copy !req
38. I'll start building the simulator now.
Bing!Copy !req
39. [chuckles softly]Copy !req
40. Don't... Turn around.
It's embarrassing.Copy !req
41. Bing!Copy !req
42. [Jason] Jacksonville! What up?Copy !req
43. -Duval!
-[Floridians] Duval!Copy !req
44. Poor Larry.Copy !req
45. But, "If you love someone, set them free."Copy !req
46. A good friend and yoga pupil, Sting,
no last initial, told me that. [chuckles]Copy !req
47. [Jason] I can't wait to show you guys
all the cool sights in Jacksonville.Copy !req
48. Like, that swamp is where me,
Pillboi and Donkey DougCopy !req
49. used to stand and try and blind pilots
with laser pointers.Copy !req
50. Yeah, maybe we should do
the tour after we,Copy !req
51. you know, save your father's soul.Copy !req
52. Oh, I've been meaning to ask:
why are you trying to save your father?Copy !req
53. I've heard you mention
your friend Pillboi many times,Copy !req
54. but you've not mentioned your father once.Copy !req
55. What do you mean?
I talk about Donkey Doug all the time.Copy !req
56. I'm sorry, the man you call "Donkey Doug"
is your father?Copy !req
57. Yeah!Copy !req
58. The Donkey Doug with whom you tried to
blind airline pilots with laser pointers?Copy !req
59. Yeah!Copy !req
60. The Donkey Doug who's banned from
Disney World for biting Buzz Lightyear?Copy !req
61. In his defense,
he thought it was someone else.Copy !req
62. Who?Copy !req
63. So, Michael and I have a plan
to save my dad.Copy !req
64. My whole life, Donkey Doug
was always getting in troubleCopy !req
65. because of some get-rich-quick scheme.Copy !req
66. He sold counterfeit Truck Nutz.Copy !req
67. He created a sport that was a cross
between dodgeball and horseshoesCopy !req
68. and everybody died.Copy !req
69. -He glued--
-This should be easy.Copy !req
70. We have plenty of money.Copy !req
71. If we just give him money, he'll blow it.
He's gotta feel like he did it himself.Copy !req
72. A few years ago,
Donkey Doug was very closeCopy !req
73. to getting his electrician's license.Copy !req
74. So, if we get him to finish the training,
he can earn an honest livingCopy !req
75. and be on his way to getting more
Good Place points,Copy !req
76. which is why we're all here.Copy !req
77. Okay, let's go save my dad.Copy !req
78. -Taxi!
-[porter blows whistle]Copy !req
79. [laughs]Copy !req
80. -[porter] Do you need help with your bags?
-[Jason] No, I got it.Copy !req
81. [knock on door]Copy !req
82. -Oh, dip, Jason!
-Ah, dip, Donkey Doug!Copy !req
83. You call him "Donkey Doug" in person?Copy !req
84. Me and Jason are cool like that.Copy !req
85. I don't think of him as my son.
I think of him as my boy!Copy !req
86. I mean, I am your boy.Copy !req
87. Yeah, but it's more like,
"That's my son right there, son."Copy !req
88. But not, like "son-son,"
but like "my boy." But not, like--Copy !req
89. Yes, yes, we get it. Thank you.Copy !req
90. Oh, this is my friend, Michael.Copy !req
91. Oh, crap, you look like a cop.
Are you a cop?Copy !req
92. Because if you are, you have to tell me,Copy !req
93. and you're not allowed to arrest meCopy !req
94. for anything you saw
before I knew you were a cop.Copy !req
95. -I'm not a police officer.
-Yeah. Michael's cool.Copy !req
96. And this is Tahani,
who is my wife, I guess.Copy !req
97. Dang, nice pull, son!Copy !req
98. How about you and me
go check out my JacuzziCopy !req
99. and put stuff in each other?Copy !req
100. Again, I'm his wife.Copy !req
101. Wow. That's the first time
that line has ever failed.Copy !req
102. You must really love him.Copy !req
103. Welcome to the family!
Come on in!Copy !req
104. This program knows everything about
your personality, Simone's personalityCopy !req
105. and all human relationships.Copy !req
106. It can't tell you
exactly what will happen,Copy !req
107. but it will approximate Simone's reaction
to anything you say to her.Copy !req
108. Plus, it has Tetris! [laughs]Copy !req
109. Hmm. Would this work with, say, me,
and, say, Jason Statham,Copy !req
110. and, uh, instead of a cafe, it was, say,Copy !req
111. a room with a futon
and a bunch of Red Bull?Copy !req
112. Why is it that every time
a new thing is invented,Copy !req
113. humans immediately try to use it for porn?Copy !req
114. -Because we're disgusting.
-Huh.Copy !req
115. Eleanor and I will be watching
on the monitor. We'll see what you see.Copy !req
116. Put these in your ears.
They'll play a toneCopy !req
117. that will trick your brain
into seeing what I've programmed.Copy !req
118. [shrill tone over earphones]Copy !req
119. [screams]Copy !req
120. Wow. Uh, so, this is... I'm here.Copy !req
121. Hey, babe!Copy !req
122. What do you want to talk about?Copy !req
123. [Janet] Go ahead, Chidi.Copy !req
124. -Practice what you want to say to her.
-Right. Um...Copy !req
125. Simone, this has been the best year
of my life, because of you.Copy !req
126. Unfortunately,
I have come to learn some information,Copy !req
127. and it means that we have to end
this relationship.Copy !req
128. -What information?
-I... can't say.Copy !req
129. -Why not?
-Uh, I... I... can't say.Copy !req
130. Well, you've either gone crazyCopy !req
131. or you're too much of a coward
to tell me how you feel. Which is it?Copy !req
132. I... I... can't, because of...Copy !req
133. -[sighs] Janet!
-Who's Janet?Copy !req
134. Why are you screaming her name
into the sky?Copy !req
135. You know what? Whatever.
Goodbye, Chidi.Copy !req
136. [Chidi] No, no, wait...Copy !req
137. -[groans] So, that didn't go great.
-I disagree. I thought it was hilarious.Copy !req
138. [Michael] So, Donkey Doug,Copy !req
139. Jason told us
about your electrician license,Copy !req
140. and we have a career opportunity for you.Copy !req
141. [laughs] Yo, later for that.
I got a business proposition for you.Copy !req
142. Pillboi!Copy !req
143. -Oh, dip, Jason.
-Oh, dip, Pillboi.Copy !req
144. -Oh, dip, Pillboi.
-Oh, dip, Donkey Doug.Copy !req
145. -[Donkey Doug] Oh, dip, Jason.
-This is remarkable.Copy !req
146. -It explains so much.
-Jason, I thought you were dead.Copy !req
147. I was alive. I was in Australia.
I talked to you on the phone last week.Copy !req
148. -Yeah, but I forgot.
-Oh.Copy !req
149. Me and Pillboi have been cooking up
something real special.Copy !req
150. And this time, it's not fake meth.Copy !req
151. All right, Pillboi,
tell 'em about our new product.Copy !req
152. Sharks, how much do you spend on
energy drinks and body spray in one week?Copy !req
153. Three hundred dollars?
Ten hundred dollars?Copy !req
154. What if I told you there was a product
that combined these two thingsCopy !req
155. for one solution
to all of life's problems and more?Copy !req
156. I give to you Double Trouble.
The world's first energy drink/body spray.Copy !req
157. So, uh, do you spray it on yourself
or do you drink it?Copy !req
158. You both it!Copy !req
159. This is the one, Jason.
We're gonna be so rich!Copy !req
160. I'll finally be able to pay
to have my calf implantsCopy !req
161. moved back up from my feet.Copy !req
162. This is gonna be a lot tougher
than we thought.Copy !req
163. Tell me about it.
Double Trouble sounds amazing.Copy !req
164. We should bid fast.
The other sharks will want in.Copy !req
165. So, I just have to be simple,
honest and declarative,Copy !req
166. and somehow, still protect her feelings.Copy !req
167. I don't know, man.Copy !req
168. Maybe just tell her that you're gay.Copy !req
169. -I'm not gay.
-Fine, bi.Copy !req
170. -I'm not bi either.
-Why not? More guys should be bi.Copy !req
171. It's 2018.
It's like, get over yourselves.Copy !req
172. Is there any way I can try
a bunch of different things in a rowCopy !req
173. to see what works?Copy !req
174. Bing! Sure. If you want to reset,
just snap your fingers.Copy !req
175. Also, I made some modifications
to the tone,Copy !req
176. -so it should make your transition easier.
-Oh.Copy !req
177. [jazz music playing over earphones]Copy !req
178. [Simone] Hey, babe.Copy !req
179. -[jazz music continues]
-What did you want to talk about?Copy !req
180. -Well, I don't love you anymore.
-What?Copy !req
181. No, no, no, you don't understand.Copy !req
182. I don't technically love you,
in the same way, because of circumstances.Copy !req
183. -What?
-Hang on.Copy !req
184. [sighs] I don't know how to tell you this,
but I'm dying.Copy !req
185. -No, you're not.
-Yes, I am.Copy !req
186. Because we're all dying, slowly,
when you think about it.Copy !req
187. We start dying the moment we're born,
so, not a lie.Copy !req
188. Okay. Here it is.
I'm just going to be perfectly honest.Copy !req
189. My real name is
Special Agent Rick Justice, FBI.Copy !req
190. Nope! [sighs]Copy !req
191. Simone, the last year has been
truly amazing.Copy !req
192. And with that in mind...Copy !req
193. -[Simone sighs]
-Will you marry me?Copy !req
194. -Yes! Yes, of course I will! Oh!
-[diners applauding]Copy !req
195. [Simone laughs]Copy !req
196. Wait, what am I doing?
Why did I think this would work?Copy !req
197. [Janet] I'm gonna go ahead
and reboot this one myself.Copy !req
198. Yeah, good call.Copy !req
199. So, Simone...Copy !req
200. Wait, before you say anything,
I think we should break up.Copy !req
201. -You do?
-Yes.Copy !req
202. I love and respect you very much,
but we're heading in different directions.Copy !req
203. And don't worry,
we don't have to make a big thing of it.Copy !req
204. Oh, my God.
Okay. This is the one.Copy !req
205. Remember everything. Right leg
crossed over left, coffee's right there.Copy !req
206. Oh, one more thing. Suck it, ya doink!Copy !req
207. -Sorry?
-[chuckles]Copy !req
208. This is Eleanor, you idiot!Copy !req
209. Janet let me mess with the simulator
to screw with you!Copy !req
210. -Janet! Come on!
-Hi, Chidi, this is Janet now.Copy !req
211. -Sorry, it won't happen again.
-Thank you.Copy !req
212. [laughing] Psych! It's still Eleanor.Copy !req
213. I can't believe you fell for that,
ya doink.Copy !req
214. We need to break up, but here's a puppy!Copy !req
215. Aw! Wait, what?Copy !req
216. He's a puppy,
it's over between us, and he's cute!Copy !req
217. Do you think I don't hear
the bad parts of these sentences?Copy !req
218. His name is Martin, I need my keys back
and he's a puppy!Copy !req
219. You are very bad at this.Copy !req
220. Well, that's because I don't actually want
to break up with her!Copy !req
221. What, do you need me
to break up with her for you,Copy !req
222. like we're in middle school or something?Copy !req
223. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yes, please do that for me.Copy !req
224. -Please.
-Fine.Copy !req
225. [jazz music playing over earphones]Copy !req
226. -[Simone] Hey, Eleanor!
-Hey.Copy !req
227. What did you want to talk about?Copy !req
228. Well, first of all,
you and Chidi are so great together.Copy !req
229. He really loves you and I can see why.Copy !req
230. You're brilliant, charming,
obviously gorgeous...Copy !req
231. Aw! You're sweet to say that.Copy !req
232. -...and your accent is so cute!
-Your accent is so cute!Copy !req
233. -What? I don't think I have an accent.
-"I don't think I have an accent!"Copy !req
234. Stop it!Copy !req
235. [both laughing]Copy !req
236. What... is happening?Copy !req
237. [Chidi] Nope! No! This is over.Copy !req
238. Whoa! Man, come on!
It was just getting good.Copy !req
239. [Michael] Let's remember the mission.Copy !req
240. Your father needs to focus
on long-term stability.Copy !req
241. Also, and perhaps this is less important,Copy !req
242. -but there's an awful lot of dog hair...
-[microwave timer dings]Copy !req
243. ...on the furniture,
and I have not seen a dog.Copy !req
244. Not bad, right? Double Trouble comes in
three delicious smell-flavors.Copy !req
245. Raspberry-Perspirant,
Cedarwood Melon BlastCopy !req
246. and 24-Hour Lemon Musk Xtreme.Copy !req
247. That one is also a lube.Copy !req
248. Look, Donkey Doug, Double Trouble is dope.
On that much, we can all agree on.Copy !req
249. But you gotta think long-term.
You were good at electricity stuff.Copy !req
250. You hooked us up with free porno channels
ever since the third grade.Copy !req
251. -It's good, honest work.
-"Honest work"? Whatever, Dad.Copy !req
252. You're his dad.Copy !req
253. This is huge, J.
When Double Trouble pops off,Copy !req
254. I'll be able to quit my job
at the old folks' home.Copy !req
255. Buy a big-ass mansion.
Every day I'd wake up, get out of bed,Copy !req
256. brush my teeth, rinse, go downstairs,
open the fridge,Copy !req
257. "Damn, we outta milk," get in my car--Copy !req
258. You don't have to run through
the whole imaginary day.Copy !req
259. Jason, I believe in Double Trouble.
Why won't you believe in me?Copy !req
260. [Michael mouths] Oh, boy...Copy !req
261. Well, I suppose a little
entrepreneurial spirit never hurt anyone.Copy !req
262. You know, "Reach for the stars,"
as I said to my good friend Elon Musk.Copy !req
263. And then he shot his car into space.Copy !req
264. What a weird creep.
Why was I friends with him?Copy !req
265. Maybe this is what'll put your father
on the right path.Copy !req
266. And, hey, it's not like
he's robbing a bank.Copy !req
267. Yeah. It's a factory!Copy !req
268. Excuse me?Copy !req
269. Tonight, we're gonna steal
some energy drinksCopy !req
270. from an energy drink factory,Copy !req
271. and steal some cologne
from a cologne factory.Copy !req
272. So, it's actually two factories.Copy !req
273. [Donkey Doug] Then we just gotta
bottle it all up!Copy !req
274. Aw, dip, we gotta rob a bottle factory.
Three factories.Copy !req
275. Three factories!Copy !req
276. [Jason] Stupid Donkey Doug.Copy !req
277. I mean, two factories I can understand,
but three?Copy !req
278. You might want to consider the possibility
that your father's a lost cause.Copy !req
279. I have an idea, but I need your help.
Will you guys help me?Copy !req
280. I mean, yeah,
that's... that's why we're here, Jason.Copy !req
281. -What's your idea, darling?
-We're gonna save Pillboi.Copy !req
282. [Chidi] Okay, real life.
I think I'm ready.Copy !req
283. I've analyzed the ten
most successful scenariosCopy !req
284. and compiled the statistically
most effective breakup strategy.Copy !req
285. Who said you weren't a romantic?Copy !req
286. Every girlfriend I've ever had.Copy !req
287. Oh! There she is.
Okay, wish me luck.Copy !req
288. [exhales]Copy !req
289. Oh, hi. Uh...Copy !req
290. Something wrong?Copy !req
291. Uh, no. It's just that
we're usually over there.Copy !req
292. Doesn't matter.Copy !req
293. Okay, so I've spent a lot of timeCopy !req
294. thinking about everything
that's happened in the last year--Copy !req
295. Hi, there. What can I get you to drink?Copy !req
296. -Uh, I'll have an iced tea, please.
-Water, thanks.Copy !req
297. Um, it's been a time of massive
personal and professional growth--Copy !req
298. -Sorry, sugar with that iced tea?
-Yes, please.Copy !req
299. Um, all in all,
it's been overwhelmingly positive,Copy !req
300. and I think that's due in large part
to you.Copy !req
301. Sorry, real quick, I'm gonna go on break,
so Helmut will be taking care of you.Copy !req
302. Hello! Will you be eating with us today?Copy !req
303. Just please give us one second!Copy !req
304. Ja, okay.Copy !req
305. One! That was one second. [laughs]
That was joke!Copy !req
306. -Please get out of here, Helmut!
-Okay, ja!Copy !req
307. All right, look, just, um...
we need to break up!Copy !req
308. -I am breaking up with you!
-Why?Copy !req
309. [stammers] I can't... It's complicated,
but it's happening.Copy !req
310. Ya dumped!Copy !req
311. -Okay.
-Wait, wait, no. Come back, please!Copy !req
312. -Ja, okay, I'm back!
-Not you, Helmut!Copy !req
313. Hey, now, listen, Judy.Copy !req
314. You can't mix Xannies
with these lil' pink fools.Copy !req
315. You'll be tripping balls like Clarence was
when he crawled into the ice machine.Copy !req
316. -[laughs]
-Here, take half of one of these,Copy !req
317. wash it down with a 5-Hour Energy,
and you'll be golden.Copy !req
318. Body high with mild visuals.Copy !req
319. [laughs] Thanks, Pillboi.Copy !req
320. Yo, I gotta take off
'cause I gotta go do a robbery.Copy !req
321. I mean, I'm sick.Copy !req
322. Hello, Pillboi.
I'm here on behalf of Jason.Copy !req
323. You won't be attending the job
with Donkey Doug today.Copy !req
324. There's been a change of plans.Copy !req
325. Okay.Copy !req
326. That's it?
You don't need any more information?Copy !req
327. -I mean, do you want to tell me?
-Not really.Copy !req
328. Cool.Copy !req
329. Want some pills?Copy !req
330. [Chidi] I hate this.
What if I ruined her?Copy !req
331. What if I sent her down the wrong path
and she ends up in the Bad Place?Copy !req
332. I have to undo what I did.
Janet, fire up the simulator.Copy !req
333. Dude, no more simulations.
Just talk to her.Copy !req
334. Breakups never end
with both people feeling great.Copy !req
335. But she's a badass, and her world
is bigger than your relationship.Copy !req
336. She'll recover.
Just go, be a person.Copy !req
337. Right. Here I go.Copy !req
338. Janet, can I use the simulator?Copy !req
339. There's a very specific Lenny Kravitz
concert I want to be front row at.Copy !req
340. Sure! FYI, when the system boots up,Copy !req
341. you might find yourself in a steam room
with Jason,Copy !req
342. who will be wearing an old-timey
strongman onesie.Copy !req
343. It's a bug in the system.Copy !req
344. [Donkey Doug] Pillboi?Copy !req
345. No, it's me. Pillboi's friend Jason.
Pillboi's not coming.Copy !req
346. If you're here to tell me
an energy drink body spray is a bad idea,Copy !req
347. I've heard it before.Copy !req
348. From a bank and some doctors.Copy !req
349. I'mma help you make Double Trouble,Copy !req
350. but you gotta leave Pillboi alone
from now on.Copy !req
351. I'm trying to save him.Copy !req
352. Oh, dip. You got religious and shizz?
Amen.Copy !req
353. Amen.Copy !req
354. Okay, hurry up
and get this crap in my truck.Copy !req
355. [police siren wails]Copy !req
356. [police officer] Jacksonville Police.
Come out with your hands up!Copy !req
357. Are you a cop?
Because if you are, you have to tell us!Copy !req
358. [police officer] Yes. This is the police.Copy !req
359. [Donkey Doug] Yup, I knew it.
It's the cops.Copy !req
360. What do we do?
Yo, let's get out of here.Copy !req
361. No.Copy !req
362. I know I haven't been
the best father in the world.Copy !req
363. I might not have even been
in the top five.Copy !req
364. I want to make up for that.
I'll distract them, you run out the back.Copy !req
365. No, that's crazy.Copy !req
366. It's what my dad did for me.
And his dad, for him.Copy !req
367. And some day,
you'll do this exact thing for your son.Copy !req
368. I mean, I hope not.
But thanks, Donkey Doug.Copy !req
369. Hey...Copy !req
370. -Call me "Donkey Dad."
-Okay, Donkey Dad.Copy !req
371. Nah, that sounds wack.
Call me Donkey Doug.Copy !req
372. Cool.Copy !req
373. [Donkey Doug] Bortles!Copy !req
374. Uh...Copy !req
375. [sighs] Here's the truth. You're amazing.
And my feelings have changed.Copy !req
376. I wish I could tell you why.
I really, really do.Copy !req
377. But... I can't.Copy !req
378. Well,Copy !req
379. you seem to know what you want,
which is rare for you.Copy !req
380. [stammers] I hope
you keep the study going.Copy !req
381. It might help a lot of people.Copy !req
382. [sighs] Well, see you in the next life.Copy !req
383. Why would you say that?
What do you know?Copy !req
384. It's a figure of speech.Copy !req
385. You're so weird, man.
I think maybe this is for the best.Copy !req
386. So, your covert mission
is to continue to report to this jobCopy !req
387. until you receive our signal.Copy !req
388. Now, this is the most important thing...Copy !req
389. you cannot commit any more crimes,Copy !req
390. and you must help these people
as much as you can.Copy !req
391. -The mission depends on it.
-[Pillboi] Roger that.Copy !req
392. Man, I can't believe this whole time
you guys were with NASA.Copy !req
393. Yes, we are secret astronaut spies.
That is indeed what Jason told you.Copy !req
394. Take good care of these old fools
and stay out of trouble.Copy !req
395. I love you, bro. [sniffles]Copy !req
396. I love you, bro.Copy !req
397. [both sobbing]Copy !req
398. -Psych!
-I got you, bro.Copy !req
399. I got you, bro.Copy !req
400. -Jag...
-...uars...Copy !req
401. -...rule.
-...rule.Copy !req
402. [both continue crying]Copy !req
403. Well, my sister's museum exhibit
opens tomorrow.Copy !req
404. Are you all ready for some Al-Jamil
family reconciliation?Copy !req
405. You know it, wifey!
Soul Squad is on a roll.Copy !req
406. I pretty much nailed that Pillboi thing.Copy !req
407. And I got closure with my dad,
Donkey Doug.Copy !req
408. That remains depressing.
But I'm happy for you, bud.Copy !req
409. I never got to do that with my parents,Copy !req
410. and now they're both dead,
so it's impossible.Copy !req
411. So, the thing is, one of your parentsCopy !req
412. is not technically actually dead.Copy !req
413. What are you talking about?Copy !req
414. Your mother's alive.
She faked her own death.Copy !req
415. I'm sorry, Tahani.Copy !req
416. I don't think I'll be able to stay
with you here in Budapest.Copy !req
417. Turns out my mom isn't dead,
so I need to fly back to AmericaCopy !req
418. to murder her.Copy !req