The Good Place 3x3

1. Michael, a demon has infiltrated the group.

2. Not just any demon.

3. Trevor is a diabolical, sadistic agent of evil.

4. Might just be the single

5. most dangerous creature in the universe.

6. Who wants lemon bars?

7. It's my nana's recipe,

8. and they are just sinful.

9. Love 'em on my lips but hate 'em on my hips,

10. if you know what I mean.

11. All right, new guy,

12. coming in strong with free dessert.

13. You must be Eleanor,

14. the reason this is all happening.

15. I am.

16. It's so nice to hear someone say,

17. "Eleanor, you're the reason this is all happening"

18. who isn't a judge in small claims court.

19. Thank you for this, Eleanor.

20. It's a wonderful thing you've done.

21. Mm, happy to help you out, buddy.

22. Oh, we're doing a long hug.

23. Are you crying?

24. Sorry, I'm just...

25. I'm just so happy to be here, if that makes sense.

26. Okay, the five of us narrowly avoided death.

27. The operating theory

28. of this experiment is that...

29. So, I give them ethics problems,

30. and we scan their brains,

31. and we get a sense of their baseline moral instincts.

32. Right, then I'll show them pictures that trigger memories

33. of their near-death experiences,

34. we'll scan again, and see if we get a different result.

35. For example, I'll show Jason

36. pictures of a safe, a snorkel, and whip-it canisters.

37. Got it.

38. Also, what a grim death that would have been.

39. Darling, do you remember all the rules

40. about what can and cannot be worn inside an MRI?

41. More specifically, what if one's brassiere

42. is very thin, but also very pure gold?

43. I don't know,

44. but I'm in a similar "situ-aysh,"

45. because the sports bra I'm wearing

46. is kind of rust-colored underneath the armpits,

47. so I guess we'll roll the dice together.

48. Hey, Eleanor, do I have the right phone number for you?

49. You haven't responded to any of the dank memes I've sent.

50. Oh, yeah, I... 'cause I was laughing too hard to reply.

51. Okay, what's your fave?

52. 'Cause mine's "Damn Daniel."

53. Back at it again with the white Vans!

54. Should we get started, maybe?

55. Oh, Mrs. Teacher, for my turn,

56. is there any way to get, like, extra radiation?

57. There is no radiation in the MRI.

58. But why do you ask?

59. Uh, no reason.

60. Jason, what do you got in your hand there, bud?

61. Nothing.

62. Is it a spider?

63. Yes.

64. Do you think taking a spider in an MRI machine

65. will give you superpowers?

66. Hey, it might work.

67. He already bit me a bunch of times

68. and gave me the power to swell up my hand.

69. - Oh, my God. - What?

70. Trevor.

71. Hey, Mikey, fancy seeing you down on Earth

72. completely illegally.

73. Sweet outfit.

74. Dick Tracy called.

75. He said you're a buttface and he's been plowing your mom.

76. Hey, well, Dick Tracy called me, too, first,

77. and he said he was about to call you

78. and say a lie about me

79. that was actually true about you instead.

80. Whatever.

81. What are you doing here, Trevor?

82. Shawn hacked the judge's system,

83. and we caught you cheating,

84. getting your four little cockroaches to meet up.

85. What, you think we were just gonna sit around

86. in the Bad Place blowing beefers

87. while you're down on Earth boning us in the meathole?

88. So why didn't Shawn just go to the judge

89. and turn me in?

90. Because this way's more fun, knuckle nuts.

91. First of all, I'm currently formulating a better comeback

92. to your Dick Tracy burn, and it's gonna devastate you.

93. Second, you're too late,

94. because when I did this experiment in my neighborhood,

95. every time Eleanor asked Chidi for help,

96. their bond became unbreakable,

97. and the entire group improved.

98. No, you're right.

99. There's no way I'll get one of these bozos

100. to drop out of an unpaid, rigorous academic study,

101. especially when they're doing it with me,

102. their overeager new best friend.

103. Well, I should head back.

104. You want to come with?

105. Oh, right, they've all seen you already,

106. so you can't show your face to them again,

107. so you're powerless to stop me.

108. Later days, dingus.

109. Dick Tracy called back on his watch phone

110. and said you better "watch" out.

111. Shoot, second too late.

112. Okay, uh, Simone's gotta analyze the scans,

113. so why don't the rest of you head home?

114. Good first day, everyone.

115. Hey, teach, um, do you think, maybe,

116. we could continue

117. the one-on-one lessons on the side?

118. I feel like last week, I had my own personal ninja master,

119. and now I'm taking tai chi

120. with a bunch of farting housewives.

121. Between the new project and my classes,

122. I won't have time,

123. but this is way better.

124. You're still gonna learn a lot,

125. and you'll have a fun group of people

126. to study with outside of class.

127. - But... - Hey, gang.

128. I just had a neat idea.

129. Let's all go sightseeing.

130. - Dope. - Yeah.

131. We can check out Sydney, get to know each other, bond.

132. What do you say, E Street Band?

133. You up for a Segway tour of...

134. Australia, mate?

135. This is a knife on the barbie.

136. Cool idea.

137. I'm just worried that, maybe, it's too cool.

138. I think I'm just gonna find the nearest bar,

139. have one or eight drinks, and hit the hay.

140. Even better! We'll all go bend an elbow.

141. Actually, I know the perfect place for homesick Americans.

142. Hey, dudes, welcome to the Cowboy Skyscraper Buffet.

143. Oh, hey, can we get the Florida table?

144. They absolutely nail the swamp stench.

145. Oh, someone's seated there.

146. But if you purchase our Manifest Destiny package

147. for $30, you can have anyone you want

148. forcibly removed from the table.

149. We'll just sit anywhere.

150. When your table's ready, this gun'll go off.

151. I think this is real.

152. So, listen up, y'all.

153. I was so excited to join the group

154. that I made sweatshirts.

155. You get a sweatshirt. You get a sweatshirt.

156. - You get a sweatshirt. - I get a sweatshirt.

157. "The Brainy Bunch."

158. Awesome! I love being on teams,

159. and if we're on a team now, we need nicknames.

160. Optimus, Bumblebee, Jazz,

161. ugh, Megatron.

162. That's what you can each call me.

163. Now we need nicknames for you guys.

164. Ah, this is the best!

165. I'm gonna get the first round,

166. and we are all gonna toast to Eleanor,

167. the reason we're all here.

168. Yay, Eleanor!

169. Oh, well, if you guys are celebrating,

170. I recommend the jalapeño poppers.

171. Hi, there, I'm Janet.

172. I'll be taking care of you tonight.

173. Can I get you started with some drinks?

174. Our specialty cocktail tonight

175. is the Fourth of July.

176. It's half an apple pie

177. blended with Southern Comfort and Coca-Cola

178. served in a Chevy hubcap.

179. Why don't you just go get us a round of beers?

180. Of course. Here you go.

181. Sorry. I will go

182. physically pick those up, I guess,

183. and then walk them back here with my feet.

184. But just so you know, I will be here all night

185. watching everything that you order.

186. So, Ellie, baby, brainstorm.

187. We should get a house.

188. Me, you, Tahani, Jason...

189. we should all go in together on a place.

190. - Roomies. - Roomies!

191. That is...

192. technically an idea.

193. I think it would be supes fun.

194. We could play pranks on each other for my vlog.

195. No.

196. We could do one of those ice bucket challenges

197. - that I sent you. - I don't think so.

198. Or maybe just a Harlem shake?

199. I like to cook,

200. - and I have been dying to... - Please stop.

201. - Experiment with Jamaican food, man. - Please stop now.

202. I like Jamaican food.

203. Listen to the reggae, and smoke the joints.

204. That's a Jamaican accent.

205. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

206. - Hey, how's it going? - Not good, Michael.

207. I don't have my powers.

208. I can't summon things.

209. Dictionary. Spaghetti.

210. Jet Ski. Giraffe. Gah!

211. Look what I've been reduced to.

212. Humans only live 80 years,

213. and they spend so much of it

214. just waiting for things to be over.

215. I'm all out of sorts down here too.

216. I'm bad at lying now. That used to be my thing.

217. And every part of my body is either too dry or too wet.

218. It's worse for me, man.

219. Ever since we walked through that portal,

220. my knowledge has stopped updating.

221. The instant before we left, a man in Caracas, Venezuela,

222. named Raul Benitez was eating a ham sandwich.

223. Did he finish it?

224. I don't know, and it's making me crazy.

225. I got to find him.

226. Janet, focus on the mission!

227. We have to get Trevor away from the humans.

228. I am so glad you came out with us, man.

229. I just assumed you would think it's unprofessional

230. to be friends with the subjects of your study.

231. No, I never thought that.

232. I mean, I-I kind of do now.

233. Should I not be socializing?

234. I'm sure it's fine.

235. I mean, how much harm could it possibly do?

236. Good point.

237. Such a good point that I'm gonna go think

238. about how good a point that is

239. over there by myself for several minutes.

240. Excuse me.

241. Hey, El train,

242. you think with all these new "Star Wars" movies

243. they'll finally make a new "Spaceballs"?

244. I'm sorry, I'm getting a text and I have to take this.

245. Okay, everybody, here are your beers.

246. And here is yours.

247. Oh, no, oh.

248. I guess you should go to the bathroom

249. or maybe go home and never come back.

250. No worries, I made extra sweatshirts.

251. Besides, we're having too much fun to leave.

252. Hey, speaking of fun,

253. I know this super fun drinking game we can play.

254. Every time one of you says something that

255. the other can't relate to, you both drink.

256. Could be fun.

257. I once played a drinking game with Ryan Reynolds

258. and Blake Lively at their macrobiotic farm

259. with a particularly robust batch of homemade kombucha.

260. Do I have to drink for every word I don't know?

261. Up to you. Just drink.

262. Hey, what happened with Chidi, and where's Eleanor?

263. This... this is all moving too fast.

264. Can we just take Trevor out?

265. I don't know if he can die,

266. but I could drop a steamroller on his head.

267. Oh, darn it, I can't summon things.

268. I guess I could kick him with my soft feet.

269. Earth sucks.

270. You stay on Trevor, keep interfering with his plan.

271. All right, and I'm going to do my librarian act

272. and nudge Chidi back to the table.

273. - Uh, yummy. - Yay!

274. You gotta relax, man.

275. You're off the clock.

276. It's just a simple drink with friends

277. - at the world's worst restaurant. - No, but Trevor's right.

278. I might skew the study by fraternizing with the subjects.

279. We can be colleagues. Associates is pushing it.

280. And by even having this conversation,

281. you're becoming my confidante.

282. - I can't have that. - Jeez.

283. Kind of thought that before everyone else showed up,

284. you and I were, like, becoming actual friends.

285. Oh, no. You're right.

286. What have I done?

287. Okay, okay, I-I-I'm gonna go to the bar

288. and get you a hot tea.

289. Okay.

290. Or a regular temperature Xanax.

291. Try not to fall apart.

292. Professor Anagonye?

293. Oh, yeah, I thought

294. I recognized you.

295. It's me, the librarian from the library.

296. Oh, right, hi, sorry.

297. Uh, I was just kind of in the middle of something here.

298. Well, maybe I can help.

299. You know what I like to do in situations like these?

300. I haven't told you anything about what I'm going through.

301. Do that first,

302. then I'll tell you what I do in situations

303. such as the one you're about to describe.

304. I've been in every situation because I'm a librarian.

305. Hit me. Go ahead.

306. Mm.

307. Ah, la-la-la-la.

308. Mm, I'm tired.

309. Does anybody want a gallon of water to sober up?

310. No thanks, sweetheart.

311. I just called a car for these two lovebirds,

312. so why don't you just bring us the check?

313. Oh, and you should smile more.

314. You'll get bigger tips.

315. Gosh, you're pretty.

316. No, you're pretty.

317. Pretty beautiful.

318. If you ask me, Chidi,

319. you need to get back over there,

320. you know, spend time with the team.

321. Though, we do have a saying in the library game.

322. Um, there's only room

323. for one male subject in an academic study,

324. so keep the one who got there first.

325. Catchy.

326. Got to go now.

327. The closest thing I could find to herbal tea

328. was a root beer I had them throw in the microwave.

329. You know what? Don't drink that.

330. I think I'm just gonna head home.

331. But you can go and spend time with the others.

332. Yeah, man, that's not really what I signed up for.

333. I mean, Tahani is eh, but Jason, woof,

334. and Trevor, blegh.

335. They're not the reason I flew all the way from Arizona.

336. You are.

337. I'm sorry, but this is just how it has to be.

338. I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

339. Hey, E dog, get over here!

340. It's trivia night!

341. The first round questions are all about Logan Paul,

342. and you know I'm Logang for life.

343. Go put your head up your own butt.

344. - What? - What?

345. What?

346. Oh, don't you buttnecks ever give up?

347. No, and what are you even doing in a bathroom?

348. You're a demon. You don't... need it.

349. I like the smells.

350. And I like putting my hands in the toilet

351. so everything I touch gets a little bit of poop on it.

352. Hey, you guys see what I did out there?

353. I am so good, I got Eleanor to leave a bar early.

354. Chidi's melting down.

355. Jason and Tahani just left together.

356. If they hook up,

357. she's on the first private jet out of here.

358. This was too easy.

359. It's gonna take a lot more than that

360. to break up this group.

361. Why don't you give up, Trevor?

362. As long as we're here, you'll never succeed.

363. Maybe, but how long will that take?

364. I mean, at some point, the judge will find out

365. that you're not in your little room watching ticker tape.

366. Right? Tick, tick, tick, tick.

367. But, hey, may the worst demon win.

368. Good luck, Mikey.

369. Ah, poop hands!

370. I can't believe you fell for that.

371. Are you all right? You didn't sleep at all last night.

372. I got a solid eight minutes,

373. not consecutively, but still.

374. It's fine.

375. You're not even that blurry.

376. You gotta take it easy, man.

377. I mean, you're not sleeping. Your eye's twitching.

378. This study has to be airtight.

379. And this ethical question of friendship

380. with the subjects is weighing on me.

381. I've done a million of these things.

382. I promise I'll warn you if you cross any lines.

383. I don't want to come anywhere near those lines.

384. I have been waiting my entire career for the right thesis,

385. and I am not going to blow it.

386. I have to keep this professional.

387. Fine, but you need to get some rest.

388. This morning, you bit into a raw egg like it was an apple.

389. I thought it was hard-boiled.

390. Yeah, but still, the shell.

391. This is the best secret-friend handshake, bro.

392. And it goes...

393. Attention, everyone.

394. Do not look at me.

395. Oh, I don't... don't know what to do.

396. I am both overhung

397. and humiliated by my uncouth comportment last night.

398. Please accept these formal letters of apology.

399. Further apologies for their appearance.

400. I just couldn't find a proper calligrapher

401. at 5:00 in the morning.

402. So, what happened to you two lovebirds last night, huh?

403. Frankly, it is none of your business.

404. Oh, sorry.

405. Jason was a...

406. perfect gentleman last night.

407. Thank you so much for getting me home safely.

408. I wouldn't blame you should you ostracize me

409. for my boorish behavior.

410. You weren't boring. You were fun.

411. Crazy story... after you got into the cab,

412. I forgot where I lived,

413. but then I looked across the street,

414. and there was a motel,

415. and behind that, there was a dumpster.

416. I slept in a dumpster.

417. - Jason. - No, no, no, it was fine.

418. And it was super fun getting to know you.

419. You're the fanciest person I know,

420. next to my friend Ronnie, who drives a limo.

421. He's in limos all the time.

422. Oh, what a life.

423. All right, as soon as Eleanor gets here, we'll begin.

424. Bad news, prof.

425. Eleanor might not be coming.

426. She bailed right after you did last night.

427. Seemed like she was having second thoughts

428. about being part of the Brainy Bunch, so.

429. Oh, well, that's disappointing...

430. in... in... in terms of how it affects the study.

431. But we press on, like professionals.

432. Hey, do you think I should...

433. Yeah, and I already called you a car,

434. because you should not drive.

435. It's outside.

436. Thanks.

437. Where's outside?

438. Hey, man.

439. Are you okay?

440. Sorry, uh, literally one second ago,

441. I was at the front desk.

442. I don't know where I got this.

443. Anyway,

444. are you coming to class?

445. Uh...

446. I just don't think the group thing is for me.

447. I'm better when it's one-on-one

448. and we're both looking at our phones

449. and I don't know the other person and we don't talk.

450. I might just head back to Arizona.

451. Listen.

452. My whole life has been

453. a-a torture chamber of indecision,

454. and now I'm finally on the path to understanding why,

455. and the only reason that's happening

456. is because you walked into my office,

457. and you said you wanted to be a better person.

458. That was really brave.

459. Now, I know we barely know each other,

460. but, please, could you give me three months?

461. Can you give me three months?

462. I am... I am asking you as a friend.

463. See, I just told you I don't like talking.

464. That whole thing could have been sent in a text

465. that I pretended I never saw.

466. Fine, you did good at talking.

467. I'll come back to class.

468. Come in.

469. No?

470. - I'm gonna drive you back. - Okay.

471. Hey, Dick Tracy called.

472. Said that I was right about

473. Eleanor and Chidi having an unbreakable bond.

474. I don't think you understand how that joke works.

475. Yeah, that doesn't matter.

476. We won. That's the point.

477. You won squat.

478. We're gonna get 'em eventually.

479. I'll just keep chipping away till one of 'em bails.

480. These four humans are all I care about in the universe,

481. and there is nothing... I mean nothing...

482. that's gonna come between me...

483. Oh, cool, you're all together.

484. The judge wants to see you.

485. Now? Right now?

486. Um, like, all of us, or...

487. Yep.

488. So, this is Earth, huh?

489. Whoo, that's pretty cool.

490. Michael, how many times

491. did I say you could go down to Earth?

492. Actually, you weren't 100% explicit.

493. One time.

494. I said you could go down there, save their lives,

495. start the new timeline,

496. and then come back here to observe them.

497. One time!

498. Is what I said.

499. Uno.

500. One.

501. Your Honor, I have to say,

502. I support you one-hundo percent.

503. I mean, what Michael did is unbelievable.

504. Now, granted, I also tricked the doorman

505. and snuck down to Earth,

506. but what are we gonna do...

507. Do you realize what you did?

508. You meddled in human affairs.

509. That ripples out, man.

510. Do you know how much weird stuff has happened

511. because of your little experiment?

512. England left Europe.

513. That Hugh Jackman musical

514. about P.T. Barnum?

515. It made, like, $400 million.

516. Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars are good now.

517. Impossible.

518. I'm serious.

519. They're gonna make the playoffs.

520. Blake Bortles is kind of okay, maybe.

521. I don't know.

522. It's being debated amongst experts.

523. It's confusing.

524. But whatever it is, it's yo fault!

525. Your experiment with the humans is over.

526. Are you gonna kill them?

527. No!

528. But starting now,

529. there is no more monitoring them.

530. They're just regular humans

531. that need to hit the regular point threshold

532. to see if they make it into the Good Place.

533. - Hmm. - And if they don't...

534. And right now,

535. the two of you are going back to the Bad Place.

536. But they'll retire Michael,

537. and I'll be marbleized.

538. Well, maybe you should have thought about that

539. before you intervened in human affairs.

540. I mean, because of you,

541. Byron Allen owns The Weather Channel now.

542. Is... is that bad?

543. I don't know, but it's weird, man.

544. Now come with me.

545. Hey, my powers are back online.

546. This must be everything I tried to summon on Earth.

547. - Stop it. - I don't think I can.

548. I'm like a printer

549. when the print queue suddenly starts processing

550. all the unprinted documents.

551. Oh, man.

552. Buckle up, folks.

553. Let's go, right now.

554. Janet, make it stop!

555. Janet, stop it.

556. Janet, this is annoying.

557. Janet.

558. Good luck, frog man.

559. Pulling for ya.

560. Janet, I know you're still there!

561. Ugh, oh.

562. They escaped.

563. Yeah, thanks, Jeff.