1. So you're telling me.Copy !req
2. I can't get any pancakesCopy !req
3. at this IHOP?Copy !req
4. - It's not the place.
- You're thinking of.Copy !req
5. This is the Inter-dimensional.Copy !req
6. Hole of Pancakes.Copy !req
7. It's the crossroadsCopy !req
8. of all dimensions...Copy !req
9. Like Grand Central Station
but for space and time.Copy !req
10. If you eat anything
in this IHOP,Copy !req
11. you will literally explode.Copy !req
12. Yeah, I know.
It's IHOP.Copy !req
13. Why are we meeting there?Copy !req
14. The Judge's powers are
limited in the IHOP,Copy !req
15. so she can't just retire me,
on the spot.Copy !req
16. And I believe that when
she hears what I've discoveredCopy !req
17. about the points system,
she'll take our side.Copy !req
18. If not, then we'll jump
through a portal.Copy !req
19. to another dimension,Copy !req
20. hope our molecules
don't liquefy,Copy !req
21. and regroup from there.Copy !req
22. Excuse me.Copy !req
23. Okay.Copy !req
24. Now watch your step.Copy !req
25. Hey, so...Copy !req
26. Yeah, so...Copy !req
27. I don't want to go in there.Copy !req
28. - I get that.
- Come here.Copy !req
29. Here are your options.Copy !req
30. Option number one...Copy !req
31. Cruel but necessary.Copy !req
32. Oh, look at this.Copy !req
33. They added a tenth dimension.Copy !req
34. Boy.Copy !req
35. Permits must have been
a headache.Copy !req
36. It looks like we're insideCopy !req
37. a Diane von FurstenburgCopy !req
38. pattern...
from spring 2013!Copy !req
39. Okay, everyone,Copy !req
40. just be cool.Copy !req
41. I know exactly
what's going on.Copy !req
42. We all smoked
too much salvia.Copy !req
43. We got to ride this out
for about two, three minutes,Copy !req
44. and then we'll be back.
In Pillboi's broken hot tub,Copy !req
45. and this will all be over.Copy !req
46. Episode Title: "Chidi Sees the Time-Knife"
(Chapter -38)Copy !req
47. Hey, is... is this
a good time to talk?Copy !req
48. Well, there's no time
like the present.Copy !req
49. And here there's neitherCopy !req
50. "no time"
nor "the present."Copy !req
51. Go ahead.Copy !req
52. So you know how me and
you used to be marriedCopy !req
53. when I was dead before?Copy !req
54. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
55. I think
I'm starting to catchCopy !req
56. - feelings again for you.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
57. And if I don't double-die,
in this IHOP.Copy !req
58. And the Judge lady doesn't
turn you into a marble...Copy !req
59. do you want to try being
boyfriend-girlfriend?Copy !req
60. I'm not a girl.Copy !req
61. But, yes, I'd very much like
to go on a date with you.Copy !req
62. Somewhere sometime,Copy !req
63. as opposed to here,
which isCopy !req
64. nowhere at all the times.Copy !req
65. - You get it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
66. Hey!Copy !req
67. Butthead!Copy !req
68. You lie to my face,Copy !req
69. disrespect my orders,Copy !req
70. steal the only key to Earth,Copy !req
71. meddle with an alreadyCopy !req
72. compromised timeline,Copy !req
73. kidnap the humansCopy !req
74. into a Janets' void,Copy !req
75. and now demand a meetingCopy !req
76. in the freakin' IHOP?Copy !req
77. I hate this place!Copy !req
78. I wouldn't have asked
for a meet.Copy !req
79. If it weren't
vitally important.Copy !req
80. And I promise,
no more rule-breaking.Copy !req
81. Oh, yeah, really? Cool.Copy !req
82. 'Cause it kind of looks likeCopy !req
83. you stole a bookCopy !req
84. from Accounting!Copy !req
85. No more rule-breaking
starting now.Copy !req
86. Ugh.Copy !req
87. Hello, Chidi.Copy !req
88. That is a great look for you.Copy !req
89. If things don't work out here
with old Blondie,Copy !req
90. you know who to call...Copy !req
91. This bitch.Copy !req
92. Sorry.Copy !req
93. What is on me right now?Copy !req
94. Oops. Where'd you come from,
little buddy?Copy !req
95. No, don't touch it!Copy !req
96. Tahani, do not touchCopy !req
97. the Neednoggle.Copy !req
98. - What?
- Bad.Copy !req
99. This is all bad.Copy !req
100. Humans are such whiners.Copy !req
101. Here, hot pants,
let me take care of it for you.Copy !req
102. Help.Copy !req
103. Ah.Copy !req
104. Ah.Copy !req
105. Everybody, you're allCopy !req
106. still standing in the IHOP.Copy !req
107. The Judge simply augmentedCopy !req
108. your reality
to make you feel likeCopy !req
109. you're in a normal IHOP.Copy !req
110. Very smart.Copy !req
111. Don't suck up to me,
you suck-up.Copy !req
112. This is far better.Copy !req
113. Instead of a slug creature,Copy !req
114. I have a cute little scarf.Copy !req
115. - No! No!
- No, no, no! Don't touch it!Copy !req
116. Tahani, that's stillCopy !req
117. the Neednoggle.Copy !req
118. The Judge just made it
look like a scarf.Copy !req
119. - Wonderful.
- All right.Copy !req
120. Why don't we all sit downCopy !req
121. so I can fill the Judge in
on what we've learned?Copy !req
122. Your Honor, I once stood
in front of youCopy !req
123. and said I thought there
was something wrong,Copy !req
124. with the points system.Copy !req
125. I finally know
what it is.Copy !req
126. Life now is so complicated,Copy !req
127. it's impossible for anyoneCopy !req
128. to be good enoughCopy !req
129. for the Good Place.Copy !req
130. I know you don't like
to learn too muchCopy !req
131. about life on EarthCopy !req
132. to remain impartial,Copy !req
133. but these daysCopy !req
134. just buying a tomatoCopy !req
135. at a grocery storeCopy !req
136. means that you areCopy !req
137. unwittingly supportingCopy !req
138. toxic pesticides,Copy !req
139. exploiting labor,Copy !req
140. contributing to global warming.Copy !req
141. Humans think that
they're making one choice,Copy !req
142. but they're actually
making dozens of choicesCopy !req
143. they don't even know
they're making.Copy !req
144. Your big revelationCopy !req
145. is life is complicated?Copy !req
146. That's not a revelation.Copy !req
147. That's a divorced woman's
throw pillow.Copy !req
148. I mean, this guy
chose this tomato.Copy !req
149. Those are
the consequences.Copy !req
150. You don't want
the consequences?Copy !req
151. Do the research.Copy !req
152. Buy another tomato.Copy !req
153. What else you got?Copy !req
154. Um...Copy !req
155. I'll tell you what elseCopy !req
156. I got, uh...Copy !req
157. I got this.Copy !req
158. Michael.Copy !req
159. What...
what are you doing?Copy !req
160. The Backpack Kid dance.Copy !req
161. - Why?
- I don't know.Copy !req
162. It makes people happy.Copy !req
163. Is it helping?Copy !req
164. Can I say something?Copy !req
165. Jean-Paul Sartre
once wrote...Copy !req
166. Boring!Copy !req
167. I got this.Copy !req
168. I want to tell you.
About a guy.Copy !req
169. - From my dance crew.
- In Jacksonville.Copy !req
170. Called Big Noodle.Copy !req
171. Well, we gave it
our best shot, guys.Copy !req
172. It was nice knowing you.Copy !req
173. I used to yell at Big NoodleCopy !req
174. 'cause he always showed up
late to rehearsal.Copy !req
175. Then one day, the swamp
under my house flooded.Copy !req
176. I needed a place
to crash,Copy !req
177. so I slept
at Big Noodle's house.Copy !req
178. Turns out that he had
to juggle three jobsCopy !req
179. to take care
of four grandparentsCopy !req
180. who all lived in the same bed
just like in "Willy Wonka."Copy !req
181. I never yelled at Big Noodle
for being late after thatCopy !req
182. 'cause I knew
how hard it wasCopy !req
183. for him to be there.Copy !req
184. And he definitely
didn't have time to research.Copy !req
185. What tomatoes to buy.Copy !req
186. Even if he wanted to,Copy !req
187. possession
of a non-fried vegetableCopy !req
188. is a felony
in Jacksonville.Copy !req
189. The point is,Copy !req
190. you can't judge humansCopy !req
191. 'cause you don't knowCopy !req
192. what we go through.Copy !req
193. Amazingly, Your Honor,Copy !req
194. he's right.Copy !req
195. I didn't really
understand peopleCopy !req
196. until I went to Earth.Copy !req
197. Maybe you should give it
a shot.Copy !req
198. If you still don't
see things our way,Copy !req
199. then we'll drop it,
and you can...Copy !req
200. You know, zappy, zappy,
marble, marble.Copy !req
201. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
202. I'll give it a shot.Copy !req
203. I'll go down there.
See what you guys go through.Copy !req
204. And then one way or another,Copy !req
205. this is going to end.Copy !req
206. Hey, do you guys
know a good place.Copy !req
207. WWhere I can get
Mexican food?Copy !req
208. - Oh...
- Mexico.Copy !req
209. Duh.Copy !req
210. Whoa.Copy !req
211. How long will she be gone?Copy !req
212. No way to tell.Copy !req
213. Uh, my guess is...Copy !req
214. Oh, brother.Copy !req
215. That was rough.Copy !req
216. - Right?
- Sheesh.Copy !req
217. Earth is a mess, y'all.Copy !req
218. Woof!Copy !req
219. Also, I guess I'm black?Copy !req
220. And they do not likeCopy !req
221. black ladies down there.Copy !req
222. Crap, y'all.Copy !req
223. This is bad.Copy !req
224. Where did you go, exactly?Copy !req
225. Tanzania, Paraguay,Copy !req
226. Vietnam, Denmark.Copy !req
227. It's terrible everywhereCopy !req
228. and always in a different way.Copy !req
229. The only place I liked
was Hawaii,Copy !req
230. although I barely left
the resort.Copy !req
231. The last place I wentCopy !req
232. was a Black Friday saleCopy !req
233. at an outlet mall in Michigan.Copy !req
234. Why?Copy !req
235. For the deals.Copy !req
236. Earth stinks, y'all.Copy !req
237. It's hot,
and it's crowded...Copy !req
238. but somehow alsoCopy !req
239. cold and lonely.Copy !req
240. I thought it was going to beCopy !req
241. so easy to make good decisions.Copy !req
242. The first thing I didCopy !req
243. was I GoogledCopy !req
244. "big, juicy natural tomatoes,"Copy !req
245. which led me to a porn siteCopy !req
246. that was for people
with a sunburn fetish or...Copy !req
247. I kind of never recovered.Copy !req
248. Right. That's problem,
number one.Copy !req
249. Life is chaotic and messy
and unpredictable.Copy !req
250. Problem number two...Copy !req
251. Even if you do somehow manage
to make good decisions,Copy !req
252. you still lose points becauseCopy !req
253. - of the unintended consequences.
- Yeah, there areCopy !req
254. booby traps everywhere.Copy !req
255. Like, there's
this chicken sandwichCopy !req
256. that if you eat it,
it means you hate gay people.Copy !req
257. And it's delicious.
It is. It is.Copy !req
258. It is so good.Copy !req
259. And I essentially triedCopy !req
260. to do what you suggested.Copy !req
261. I obsessed over every choice.Copy !req
262. But that was also bad,Copy !req
263. and I still got sent
to the Bad Place.Copy !req
264. So I'm problem number three.Copy !req
265. - Oh, no, you are.
- Nobody's problem, sweetheart.Copy !req
266. You know,Copy !req
267. we got to figure this out.Copy !req
268. And then Turtle makes a bet
with Ronda Rousey,Copy !req
269. and if she loses,
she has to...Copy !req
270. oh, come on.Copy !req
271. I was just in the middle of
torturing William Shakespeare.Copy !req
272. By describing the plot
to the "Entourage" movie.Copy !req
273. What is this?Copy !req
274. Some new information
has come to my attention,Copy !req
275. and I need a solution.Copy !req
276. I want the Bad Place
to weigh in on this.Copy !req
277. But first, let's have
a change of scenery.Copy !req
278. Remember, guys,
we're still in the IHOP,Copy !req
279. So be careful.Copy !req
280. Shawn, I have reason
to believeCopy !req
281. that humans might be,Copy !req
282. on average, better
than the points systemCopy !req
283. suggests they are.Copy !req
284. Counterpoint...Copy !req
285. Humans are terrible...Copy !req
286. Limp Bizkit, slavery.Copy !req
287. The prosecution rests.Copy !req
288. Got to say,
that's a solid rebuttal.Copy !req
289. Look, there are plentyCopy !req
290. of awful peopleCopy !req
291. and thoughtless jerks,Copy !req
292. and, I guess
Nazis again, somehow.Copy !req
293. But there are also peopleCopy !req
294. who are really trying
to be good,Copy !req
295. and they aren't getting close.Copy !req
296. Because they're not good
at being good.Copy !req
297. Because they're bad.Copy !req
298. The score they got on EarthCopy !req
299. is how good or bad they are...Copy !req
300. full stop, end of story.Copy !req
301. Then why did these fourCopy !req
302. get better
over and over againCopy !req
303. in my Neighborhood?Copy !req
304. Why did they help each other
in ways.Copy !req
305. They had never helped anyone.
On Earth?Copy !req
306. I don't know.
Maybe it's a fluke.Copy !req
307. Plus, you have zero proof
they did get better.Copy !req
308. You didn't keep track
of their points.Copy !req
309. That's it.Copy !req
310. I know what
we have to... Aah!Copy !req
311. Oh. He forgot we're
still in the IHOP.Copy !req
312. Anybody got eyes on Chidi?Copy !req
313. Help!Copy !req
314. Help!Copy !req
315. Can someone grab
my tiny boyfriend, please?Copy !req
316. I'm on it.Copy !req
317. And... got him.Copy !req
318. Ah. Here you go.Copy !req
319. Ah! Ha!Copy !req
320. I... I just sawCopy !req
321. a trillion different realitiesCopy !req
322. folding onto each otherCopy !req
323. like thin sheets of metal,
forming a single blade.Copy !req
324. Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife.
We've all seen it.Copy !req
325. Let's get back on track, bud.
Oh, okay, sure.Copy !req
326. What I was saying, um,
before, you know...Copy !req
327. I saw the Time-Knife?Copy !req
328. Is this...Copy !req
329. Michael is right.Copy !req
330. His Neighborhood gave us the
chance to become better peopleCopy !req
331. because it removed
all the variablesCopy !req
332. that make life on Earth hard.Copy !req
333. Yeah, uh, there was
no rent to pay,Copy !req
334. no racism, no sexism.Copy !req
335. No awards-show gift-suite
publicist infighting.Copy !req
336. What? Those gift suites
can be a real minefield.Copy !req
337. But Shawn is also right.Copy !req
338. The four of us becoming
better people could be a fluke.Copy !req
339. So let's repeat the experiment.Copy !req
340. It's what Simone taught us
about data collection.Copy !req
341. Try it again and see
if you get the same results.Copy !req
342. Of course!
I build a new Neighborhood.Copy !req
343. We choose four new people,Copy !req
344. tell them they're
in the Good Place,Copy !req
345. create challenges for them,
track their progress.Copy !req
346. My guess is they will do
what the original four did.Copy !req
347. Seek help, support each other,Copy !req
348. make wise decisions, improve.Copy !req
349. If they do, then it's proofCopy !req
350. that humans are not
"bad, full stop, end of story."Copy !req
351. This is so stupid.Copy !req
352. Where would you even put
this Neighborhood?Copy !req
353. I wouldn't allow it to be built
in the Good Place,Copy !req
354. that's for sure.Copy !req
355. And I doubt you'd want
to come backCopy !req
356. - to my neck of the woods.
- Ooh.Copy !req
357. I have an idea.Copy !req
358. Hi, Mindy.
We need to use your backyard.Copy !req
359. You need my backyard?
For what?Copy !req
360. We're conducting
an important experiment...Copy !req
361. You know what?
I don't care.Copy !req
362. In fact, as soon as I started
asking the question,Copy !req
363. I thought to myself,
"Why are you asking this?Copy !req
364. You don't care
about the answer."Copy !req
365. Do whatever you want.
Just leave me out of it.Copy !req
366. And if you want to talk
to someone, talk to Derek.Copy !req
367. I'm sure he'll be happy
to see you.Copy !req
368. Who's Derek?Copy !req
369. Don't think of Derek
as my ex-boyfriend.Copy !req
370. I made him, so...Copy !req
371. he's more like my son.Copy !req
372. Although I did make himCopy !req
373. because I was jealous
of you and Tahani,Copy !req
374. so he's kind of
my rebound booty call.Copy !req
375. So he's your
son-rebound-booty-call.Copy !req
376. Fine, if you want
to put labels on it,Copy !req
377. I guess he's my
son-rebound-booty-call.Copy !req
378. But he doesn't
mean anything to me.Copy !req
379. Also, Derek never really...Copy !req
380. worked right.Copy !req
381. He's a buffoon.Copy !req
382. You have nothing
to worry about.Copy !req
383. "How should he love thee?Copy !req
384. "Or how deem thee wise.Copy !req
385. Who wouldst not leave him
in his wandering?"Copy !req
386. Oh. I didn't see you there.Copy !req
387. I was just reciting
some Edgar Allan Poe.Copy !req
388. Hi. I'm Derek.Copy !req
389. Welcome to the Medium Place.Copy !req
390. Derek, why are you
so different?Copy !req
391. You have Mindy to thank
for that.Copy !req
392. See, she found a plunger
sticking out of the groundCopy !req
393. behind our house,
and every time she hits it,Copy !req
394. I pass out.Copy !req
395. When I come to,
I'm a little bit smarterCopy !req
396. and a little bit better.Copy !req
397. Not to brag, but I almost have
a full-grown penis now.Copy !req
398. It's resplendent
and mostly functional.Copy !req
399. How many times has Mindy
rebooted you?Copy !req
400. I don't know.
Half a million.Copy !req
401. - What?
- She reboots me a lot.Copy !req
402. Sometimes when she's boredCopy !req
403. or just needs some
"alone time."Copy !req
404. Sometimes just for laughs.Copy !req
405. Derek.Copy !req
406. Shall we head inside?
Okay.Copy !req
407. Cool.Copy !req
408. So here are the rules.Copy !req
409. Michael designs the new
Neighborhood however he wants.Copy !req
410. The Bad Place gets to choose
the four new humans.Copy !req
411. But they have to be the same
general level of badnessCopy !req
412. as the original four,
all right?Copy !req
413. No serial killers, no dictators,Copy !req
414. no one who managed a boy band.Copy !req
415. Michael will not
get the files in advance,Copy !req
416. so he does not have forever
to plan.Copy !req
417. But he can then change
the NeighborhoodCopy !req
418. however he wants.Copy !req
419. Yeah, I have about a
billion objections to this.Copy !req
420. - So do I.
- Good.Copy !req
421. That means
it's a fair compromise.Copy !req
422. So one last issue...Copy !req
423. where do we get all the other
residents for this place?Copy !req
424. Well, my original
NeighborhoodCopy !req
425. was built for torture,
so everyone was a demon.Copy !req
426. We can't have that.Copy !req
427. I say we get them
from the Good Place.Copy !req
428. Over my dead skin suit.Copy !req
429. Well, what other option
do we have?Copy !req
430. Would anybody like
a Medium snack?Copy !req
431. I myself will be enjoying
another classy martini.Copy !req
432. Don't mind if I do.Copy !req
433. I can make the people.Copy !req
434. Just like I made Derek.Copy !req
435. - Are you sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
436. If the Judge restores my
powers in the Medium Place,Copy !req
437. I can do it.
They'll be way more advancedCopy !req
438. than the original Derek.Copy !req
439. No offense.
None taken.Copy !req
440. Okay, the other residents
will be comprisedCopy !req
441. of Janet babies.Copy !req
442. You will have one year
of Earth timeCopy !req
443. to try to improve the humans.Copy !req
444. I will be monitoring everything
to ensure there's no cheatingCopy !req
445. and to track
the humans' progress.Copy !req
446. Deal?Copy !req
447. Ow!Copy !req
448. Classic.
Ha ha!Copy !req
449. Ow!Copy !req
450. - Janet?
- Hi, there.Copy !req
451. - Ah.
- Ready to start building?Copy !req
452. - Yes.
- I have some ideasCopy !req
453. for how to design
a sort of basic Neighborhood,Copy !req
454. which we can then tailor
to the guestsCopy !req
455. as we learn more about them.Copy !req
456. Now, when you say,
um, some ideas...Copy !req
457. - I have 11 trillion ideas.
- Yes.Copy !req
458. I'm so glad.
You're here, Janet.Copy !req
459. Me too.Copy !req
460. All right, so...Copy !req
461. What's your first
basic idea?Copy !req
462. - Perfect.
- So basic.Copy !req
463. This house was builtCopy !req
464. to torture you.Copy !req
465. Why did you have Michael
re-create it exactly?Copy !req
466. Well, in the memories
I watched,Copy !req
467. This was where we fell in love.Copy !req
468. So I figured,Copy !req
469. why mess with success?Copy !req
470. I mean, blegh,
what am I saying?Copy !req
471. This house is stupid.Copy !req
472. And you're lame,
and I hate you.Copy !req
473. I love you, too.Copy !req
474. This is gonna be fun.Copy !req
475. I mean, I know we have to help
these new people,Copy !req
476. but most of the time,Copy !req
477. we'll just get to live together
like a normal couple.Copy !req
478. We can chill outCopy !req
479. and just relaxCopy !req
480. - and study philosophy...
- Have sex.Copy !req
481. Horndog.Copy !req
482. Nerd!Copy !req
483. Hi, I'm Daphne.Copy !req
484. Hi, Daphne, I'm Janet.
I made you.Copy !req
485. Great. I'll wait
for your instructions.Copy !req
486. - Thank you for making me.
- Bye.Copy !req
487. Okay, Daphne's done.Copy !req
488. Only another 185 people to go.Copy !req
489. I'll check back in an hour.Copy !req
490. You're doing so good, Janet.Copy !req
491. Thanks, Jason.Copy !req
492. Making people is exhausting.Copy !req
493. Can't help but noticeCopy !req
494. you're making
a bunch of people.Copy !req
495. You know,
if we pooled our resources,Copy !req
496. We could be done in two shakesCopy !req
497. of a lamb's Derek.Copy !req
498. Whatever. Janet doesn't
need your help, dude.Copy !req
499. Actually, it would go
a lot faster.Copy !req
500. Thanks, Derek.Copy !req
501. No problem.Copy !req
502. Don't worry.Copy !req
503. This is purely
professional, okay?Copy !req
504. Now, be a pal and hold
my classy martini.Copy !req
505. While I get down to business.Copy !req
506. Let's make people.Copy !req
507. Hello, Your Honor.Copy !req
508. You fell for it.Copy !req
509. It's me, Shawn.Copy !req
510. Just wanted to wish you
bad luck.Copy !req
511. - Trying to psyche me out?
- You must be scared.Copy !req
512. Oh, I'm very confident.Copy !req
513. I think we've picked
some excellent subjects.Copy !req
514. For your stupid experiment.Copy !req
515. When you fail,
and you will,Copy !req
516. I've got something special
cooked up.Copy !req
517. For your four little friends.Copy !req
518. Let me guess,Copy !req
519. they're gonna be torturedCopy !req
520. with penis-flattenersCopy !req
521. and bees with teeth.Copy !req
522. You are so predictable.Copy !req
523. Why don't you at leastCopy !req
524. switch it up once in a while?Copy !req
525. Try using teeth-flattenersCopy !req
526. and bees with penises.Copy !req
527. First of all, that's stupid.Copy !req
528. But also, we are
switching it up.Copy !req
529. When you fail, the four humansCopy !req
530. will be tortured
for all eternity.Copy !req
531. But guess who's going
to be doing the torturing?Copy !req
532. Hello, idiot.Copy !req
533. We built a Michael suit.Copy !req
534. The boys down in R&D
said it couldn't be done.Copy !req
535. So I made it out of them.Copy !req
536. That's Vicky
in there right now,Copy !req
537. Taking you for a spin.Copy !req
538. You are disgusting.Copy !req
539. Disgusting-ah.Copy !req
540. Oh, Michael.Copy !req
541. It's going to be so amazingCopy !req
542. watching your four BFFsCopy !req
543. look so sad and betrayed
and confusedCopy !req
544. as you, their reformed
demon-daddy,Copy !req
545. unleash a swarm of...Copy !req
546. penis bees.Copy !req
547. I invented those.Copy !req
548. That was me.Copy !req
549. Well, I will just tell them
what you're going to do,Copy !req
550. And they'll know that
it isn't really me.Copy !req
551. And we'll erase their
memories of you telling them.Copy !req
552. Thanks for inventing
that little trick, by the way.Copy !req
553. - Very useful.
- Have fun, Michael.Copy !req
554. Enjoy everything that isCopy !req
555. about to overwhelm you.Copy !req
556. - Mm, bye, bitch!
- Mm, bye, bitch!Copy !req
557. So how bad is contestantCopy !req
558. number one?Copy !req
559. Murderer? War criminal?Copy !req
560. Instagram DJ?Copy !req
561. Uh, yeah, um...Copy !req
562. - Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
563. Yep. Just a little jittery.Copy !req
564. Last time I designed
a Neighborhood,Copy !req
565. Things didn't really go
according to plan.Copy !req
566. Eh, plans are for wimps.Copy !req
567. We should have done this
Shellstrop-style...Copy !req
568. Don't prepare at all,Copy !req
569. get drunk the morning
of the test,Copy !req
570. BS our way through it,Copy !req
571. and then brag about
how we didn't even studyCopy !req
572. an still got a C-plus.Copy !req
573. So what do we got, man?Copy !req
574. I got to go give everyone
a heads-up, remember?Copy !req
575. Uh, his name is John.Copy !req
576. Um, some sort of journalist.Copy !req
577. No major crimes or atrocities.Copy !req
578. Is he out there right now?Copy !req
579. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
580. Wow, that's freaky.Copy !req
581. So, based on initial skimming
of his file,Copy !req
582. we will run scenario.Copy !req
583. G48-119.Copy !req
584. Jeez, Louise.Copy !req
585. Well, you have to be prepared
for anything.Copy !req
586. I mean, is John coming in
thinking that he belongs,Copy !req
587. Or does he know
he definitely doesn't?Copy !req
588. Dude, dude, relax.Copy !req
589. All we have to do todayCopy !req
590. is tell John
he's in the Good Place,Copy !req
591. Show him around
the Neighborhood,Copy !req
592. And get him to Tahani's
welcome party.Copy !req
593. That's it. We can deal
with the rest later.Copy !req
594. - Right?
- Right.Copy !req
595. - Right, right, right.
- Hey, listen...Copy !req
596. whatever your plan is,
it's gonna be great.Copy !req
597. We trust you.Copy !req
598. Your friends
will always trust you.Copy !req
599. - Okay. Here I go.
- Okay.Copy !req
600. I'm gonna...Copy !req
601. Yep.Copy !req
602. Here I go.Copy !req
603. I go here.Copy !req
604. And...Copy !req
605. I'm gone.Copy !req
606. Michael?Copy !req
607. Oh, yeah, I'm gone.Copy !req
608. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
609. I can't do this.Copy !req
610. Hello?Copy !req
611. - Is anyone here?
- Michael,Copy !req
612. buddy, John is awake.Copy !req
613. - We need to open the door...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
614. And welcome him
into the afterlife.Copy !req
615. Remember, the whole plan?Copy !req
616. I do remember.Copy !req
617. That's why I can't do it.Copy !req
618. It's just too scary.Copy !req
619. Oh...Copy !req
620. No...Copy !req
621. Hello?Copy !req