1. - Okay.
I don't know about you guys,Copy !req
2. but I say we leave this
miserable shirthole.Copy !req
3. - Now wait. Wait.
Not so fast.Copy !req
4. Now getting to the Good Place
is pretty tricky.Copy !req
5. There's no train to catch.Copy !req
6. I have to design a complicated,
unique, transportation vehicle.Copy !req
7. - Is it Optimus Prime?
- What?Copy !req
8. - I can't believe we get to
ride a real-life Optimus Prime.Copy !req
9. I call right nipple!Copy !req
10. That's shotgun
on Optimus Prime.Copy !req
11. - Look. This vehicle, which is
decidedly not Optimus Prime—Copy !req
12. - Aw!
- Has never been built before.Copy !req
13. So I'm gonna need a few
days to do this.Copy !req
14. - Dude, we just escaped
by the skin of our teeth.Copy !req
15. And any second now,
Shawn is gonna realizeCopy !req
16. that we are not at
Mindy St. Clair's.Copy !req
17. So whatever this magical
Good Place-mobile is,Copy !req
18. now's the time to
whip it out, B.Copy !req
19. - I agree. And although
I believe I've askedCopy !req
20. you this question already—
- There is no business class.Copy !req
21. - Michael, they're right.
We gotta go.Copy !req
22. Oh...Copy !req
23. Okay. Here goes nothing.Copy !req
24. Janet, if you would.Copy !req
25. - And presto!Copy !req
26. - Oops.
Forgot to log in first.Copy !req
27. Gotta answer my
security question.Copy !req
28. What was the name of
your childhood pet?Copy !req
29. Korzoth, the ten-headed
dog-spider.Copy !req
30. - And presto!Copy !req
31. - Dope.
- We did it, guys. We won.Copy !req
32. We're going to The Good PlaceCopy !req
33. in a fricking gold balloon.Copy !req
34. - Shotgun!
- It's a hot air balloon.Copy !req
35. What does that even mean?Copy !req
36. - Top of the balloon.
Ultimate shotgun.Copy !req
37. So many memories
of this place.Copy !req
38. Eating frozen yogurt,
and then having diarrhea,Copy !req
39. and then eating more
frozen yogurt,Copy !req
40. and then more diarrhea.Copy !req
41. Maybe I should've realized
this wasn't the Good PlaceCopy !req
42. 'cause of all the diarrhea.Copy !req
43. - Maybe you shouldn't
be eating all of thatCopy !req
44. frozen yogurt
right now.Copy !req
45. We're about to be
on a balloon, man.Copy !req
46. - What do you think our new
home will be like?Copy !req
47. I'm picturing Hawaiian beach,Copy !req
48. unlimited mai tais,
and a phone.Copy !req
49. Ugh, I miss my phone so much.Copy !req
50. I bet I have so many texts.Copy !req
51. - I just want us all
to be together.Copy !req
52. Separate houses, obviously.Copy !req
53. Large lawns.
I'd have a tasteful moat.Copy !req
54. - I don't care where I live,Copy !req
55. as long as they have more
of this frozen yogurt.Copy !req
56. - Why? Why?
- An unlimited library.Copy !req
57. All of my philosophy
heroes walking around,Copy !req
58. waiting to be engaged in
rigorous intellectual debate,Copy !req
59. and I hope that library
is air-conditioned,Copy !req
60. because we are going to be
working up quite a sweat.Copy !req
61. Oh! And soul mates!
I hope they're real.Copy !req
62. I mean, you know for all of us.Copy !req
63. I hope everyone gets
someone special.Copy !req
64. - Good news! We've got a
handle on the controls.Copy !req
65. Who's ready to go balloonin'?Copy !req
66. - Okay, I think
we figured it out.Copy !req
67. I pieced together this designCopy !req
68. from a number
of ancient manuscripts,Copy !req
69. which Janet will now
interpret for you.Copy !req
70. - The balloon will only
transport thoseCopy !req
71. who have attained
self-realization.Copy !req
72. Each traveler will
step upon the scale,Copy !req
73. and her soul shall be weighed.Copy !req
74. If she's the best
version of herself,Copy !req
75. it will permit her to board.Copy !req
76. If not, passage will be denied.Copy !req
77. - Cool. Cool. Cool.
We got this.Copy !req
78. I don't know about you guys,Copy !req
79. but I am definitely
the best version of myself.Copy !req
80. I know a shirt-ton about ethics
now, 'cause I studied.Copy !req
81. And I read books
that weren't even writtenCopy !req
82. by the Real Housewives.Copy !req
83. Relax, everyone.
We're all gonna be fine.Copy !req
84. - Oh!Copy !req
85. Oh, man. I didn't believe
anything I was saying.Copy !req
86. I just—whoo!
In I go.Copy !req
87. - Well, I mean...Copy !req
88. - Oh dip!Copy !req
89. - Aw, nuts!Copy !req
90. - It's okay! The pattern
is green, green, green, red.Copy !req
91. Remember that when
it starts up again.Copy !req
92. - I'm sorry, everyone.Copy !req
93. I just have some worries
as well as some concernsCopy !req
94. that could potentially
turn into outright fears.Copy !req
95. Wow, there they go.
They're fears now.Copy !req
96. - Okay, I know this mood.Copy !req
97. Come with us, Dr. Freakout.Copy !req
98. That was a joke.Copy !req
99. We are actually
very good friends.Copy !req
100. - Okay, here's the thing.Copy !req
101. That balloon wants us to be
the best version of ourselves.Copy !req
102. But for the four of us,
that's not just a metaphor.Copy !req
103. There have literally been
802 different versions of us.Copy !req
104. And how do I know
that this versionCopy !req
105. is the best version
of myself?Copy !req
106. How do I know it's not
version #85, or 322, or 558?Copy !req
107. - Or 69, or 420?Copy !req
108. - And then you get into the
whole idea of consciousness.Copy !req
109. And I mean just
forget about best.Copy !req
110. And what version
of Chidi is even real?Copy !req
111. - What happens here? Does he
eventually tire himself out?Copy !req
112. - Usually, but this one seems
to be getting strongerCopy !req
113. as he goes on.Copy !req
114. - And this Chidi
is an imposter!Copy !req
115. - Okay.
This is pretty simple, bud.Copy !req
116. You've been our teacher
this whole time.Copy !req
117. And we are much better
because of you.Copy !req
118. If we're the best versions
of ourselves,Copy !req
119. which that balloon just proved,Copy !req
120. then you definitely are.Copy !req
121. - So in a way, it doesn't
matter if I was betterCopy !req
122. in version 492 or whatever,
because the best version of meCopy !req
123. is just as much about my effect
on the world around meCopy !req
124. as it is about my own
egocentric self-image.Copy !req
125. I really meant
that much to you guys?Copy !req
126. - Of course you did.Copy !req
127. Now let's get you back
on that scale, dorkus.Copy !req
128. - Chidi, ready to try again?Copy !req
129. - Yeah. All right.Copy !req
130. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
131. - Yeah.Copy !req
132. - Dope!Copy !req
133. - It's just that thing
Chidi saidCopy !req
134. about previous versions
of myself.Copy !req
135. It's screwing me up.
But I can fix it.Copy !req
136. I stole this from your house
the first night we were here.Copy !req
137. Okay. Should be the best
version of myself now.Copy !req
138. - Ugh! Come on, scale.
Be cool.Copy !req
139. - Guys, we're just not ready.Copy !req
140. I think we should regroup
and try again tomorrow.Copy !req
141. - Hang on.
I know the answer.Copy !req
142. I know why I'm not
my best self.Copy !req
143. Do you remember
that version of meCopy !req
144. from the tape of us
at Mindy's?Copy !req
145. Where I was vulnerable
and emotional and honest?Copy !req
146. That Eleanor is a better
Eleanor than this one.Copy !req
147. And that is not an easy
thing for me to say,Copy !req
148. "You're not better than me"
was my yearbook quote.Copy !req
149. Michael, can you tell us a
little bit about that version?Copy !req
150. - Reboot number 119.Copy !req
151. All the restaurants
were kabob places.Copy !req
152. You had a pet lizard which I
made poop on you all the time.Copy !req
153. - No, can you tell
us more aboutCopy !req
154. Chidi's and my relationship
from that version?Copy !req
155. - Right. Sorry.Copy !req
156. Well, you got
really into ethics,Copy !req
157. and you spent a lot
of time together.Copy !req
158. Once you handed him a tissue
right before he sneezed,Copy !req
159. and that simple act
of anticipating his needsCopy !req
160. made him fall for you.Copy !req
161. One night you took a walk
along the lake,Copy !req
162. and you had your first kiss,Copy !req
163. Gross.Copy !req
164. Kissing is gross.Copy !req
165. You just mash your food holes
together.Copy !req
166. It's not for that.Copy !req
167. Anyway, it just you know
bloomed after that.Copy !req
168. - Look, there are obviously
some undealt-with issues here.Copy !req
169. I propose that everyone
who was greenCopy !req
170. go ahead and board
the magic balloon,Copy !req
171. and set out to
the Good Place.Copy !req
172. Sort of like an advance team.Copy !req
173. We'll put our names in
or book a table.Copy !req
174. However it works.Copy !req
175. And then we'll send back
the magical balloonCopy !req
176. for the red light people later
on.Copy !req
177. It's a perfect plan.Copy !req
178. No! It's not working!Copy !req
179. It probably thinks I'm Eleanor.Copy !req
180. It is I, Tahani.Copy !req
181. - In case you were wondering,
I am by definitionCopy !req
182. the best version of myself,Copy !req
183. because my operating system
is always updating.Copy !req
184. - I'm not sure
that's true, Janet.Copy !req
185. You still haven't
talked to JasonCopy !req
186. about your
romantic baggage,Copy !req
187. and the three of you
are in some sortCopy !req
188. of weird love triangle.Copy !req
189. - You don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
190. Also, love isn't a triangle.Copy !req
191. It's a five dimensional blob,
so—Copy !req
192. - Okay. If you're so perfect,
step on the scale.Copy !req
193. - Fine.Copy !req
194. Ooh, I think I broke it.Copy !req
195. - No!
My beautiful balloon scale!Copy !req
196. - It's not yours.Copy !req
197. - No, no, please stop fighting.Copy !req
198. Oh man. This stinks.Copy !req
199. I'm having this feeling where—Copy !req
200. what is it called?
You know, where you—Copy !req
201. you did a thing and
you're sad after it?Copy !req
202. After-sad? Is that—no.Copy !req
203. You humans have so many
emotions!Copy !req
204. You only need two:Copy !req
205. Anger and confusion!Copy !req
206. - Michael, what's going on?Copy !req
207. - The problem isn't any of you.Copy !req
208. This whole balloon thing
is a fake.Copy !req
209. The truth is, I have no idea
how to get into the Good PlaceCopy !req
210. and I never have!Copy !req
211. - Well, Michael's right.Copy !req
212. - So months ago,Copy !req
213. when you said you had this
whole complicated planCopy !req
214. for getting us
to the Good Place—Copy !req
215. - It was a lie.Copy !req
216. I assumed if I bought
myself some time,Copy !req
217. I could figure out a way in.Copy !req
218. Guys, I tried
a billion different ways.Copy !req
219. Not an exaggeration!Copy !req
220. I actually tried one billion
and twelve different plans.Copy !req
221. But the only way
into the Good PlaceCopy !req
222. is by being
a good person on Earth.Copy !req
223. - This is unforgivable.Copy !req
224. How many times
can you betray us?Copy !req
225. - I'm sorry.
I really am,Copy !req
226. because while I was searching
for a way to get in,Copy !req
227. I was also taking your
ethics classes,Copy !req
228. learning why it was bad to lie.Copy !req
229. So not only did I fail at
getting us into the Good Place,Copy !req
230. I also learned
the error of my ways.Copy !req
231. Real rock bottom for a demon,
I'll tell you.Copy !req
232. But this was not torture.
I was stalling!Copy !req
233. So I could keep
searching for a way in.Copy !req
234. I would've been happy
if you wereCopy !req
235. to live in this
neighborhood forever,Copy !req
236. but then Shawn came and just
ruined the whole thing.Copy !req
237. - So what happens now?Copy !req
238. - Shawn will eventually figure
out you're not at Mindy's,Copy !req
239. and he'll realize that someone
on the inside was helping you.Copy !req
240. So you'll go to the
real Bad Place forever,Copy !req
241. and I will be—
be retired.Copy !req
242. You're—you're mad at me.Copy !req
243. - I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed.Copy !req
244. - Oh, come on.
Everyone knows that's worse.Copy !req
245. - So this really is the end.Copy !req
246. Completely out
of options, are we?Copy !req
247. - Not completely
out of options.Copy !req
248. We can do what the Shellstrops
have always doneCopy !req
249. when the chips are down.Copy !req
250. Ignore our problems,
and drink heavily.Copy !req
251. Janet!Copy !req
252. A million bottles of
your finest booze, please!Copy !req
253. - You all right?
- Kind of.Copy !req
254. I asked Michael if I could
pop the giant balloon,Copy !req
255. and he said no.Copy !req
256. Then I asked if I could suck
the helium out of itCopy !req
257. to make my voice sound funny
so it cheers everyone up,Copy !req
258. and he just kind of sighed
and walked away.Copy !req
259. So I guess that one
is still on the table.Copy !req
260. Are you and me cool?Copy !req
261. - Not exactly.Copy !req
262. I think perhaps given
everything,Copy !req
263. it's best we end
our relationship.Copy !req
264. It's probably about time
I stopped relying on othersCopy !req
265. for my sense of self-worth
or happiness.Copy !req
266. You know my whole life,Copy !req
267. whenever I encountered
any obstacles,Copy !req
268. I would simply say, "I would
like to speak to a manager."Copy !req
269. But in our relationship,
there was no manager.Copy !req
270. There was no one who could fix
this for me except for me.Copy !req
271. - My mom was a manager
at a pet store.Copy !req
272. Does that help?Copy !req
273. - No, and please don't launch
into one of your long stories—Copy !req
274. - She got fired after I—
- Please, no.Copy !req
275. - Robbed the pet store where
she worked.Copy !req
276. - Please, please, Jason.
- We actuallyCopy !req
277. robbed it together.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
278. - Long story short,
it was all a dream.Copy !req
279. - Thank you, Jason,
for making this momentCopy !req
280. a little easier for me.Copy !req
281. - Dude, he's where I'm at.Copy !req
282. Feelings are stupid.
- Yeah. Who needs 'em?Copy !req
283. - But, uh, in case feelings
aren't stupid,Copy !req
284. and in the case that we are
eternally doomed,Copy !req
285. I thought it might
be worth mentioningCopy !req
286. that I do...Copy !req
287. Have feelings for you.Copy !req
288. And I know you don't
feel the same way.Copy !req
289. And although that fills me
with anger and confusion—Copy !req
290. Wow. Michael was right
on the money.Copy !req
291. I just wanted you
to know the truth.Copy !req
292. - You are—I mean—Copy !req
293. - Oh, no. Don't say anything.
Don't.Copy !req
294. - I want to.
I want to.Copy !req
295. Here's the thing about me.Copy !req
296. You know the sound that a fork
makes in the garbage disposal?Copy !req
297. That's the sound that my brain
makes all the time.Copy !req
298. It's just this
constant grindingCopy !req
299. about things
I'm afraid ofCopy !req
300. or things that I want
or want to wantCopy !req
301. or want to want to—Copy !req
302. - Is it grinding in
there right now, bud?Copy !req
303. - Yep, but the point is—Copy !req
304. the circumstances
under which me metCopy !req
305. are completely insane.Copy !req
306. And that just makes
the grinding harder.Copy !req
307. I just wish we met
the way normal people meet.Copy !req
308. Like at a philosophy
conference,Copy !req
309. or after one of my
philosophy lectures.Copy !req
310. Or you came knocking
on my office doorCopy !req
311. asking for help
with philosophy.Copy !req
312. - Is that how you
think people meet?Copy !req
313. - I don't know how
normal people meet.Copy !req
314. - You're such a nerd.Copy !req
315. Attention, everyone.Copy !req
316. We may not know exactly
which version of ourselvesCopy !req
317. was technically
our best self,Copy !req
318. but you know what?Copy !req
319. I like who
we are right now.Copy !req
320. To this version of us.Copy !req
321. To the good people
we've all become.Copy !req
322. - Oh, and to Eleanor,
our unofficial leader.Copy !req
323. You pack a lot of
heart and gritCopy !req
324. into that
diminutive frame.Copy !req
325. Like a scrappy little
auto mechanic.Copy !req
326. - That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me, babe.Copy !req
327. And I'll take it.Copy !req
328. - And to Janet, the best robot.
- Not a robot.Copy !req
329. - Girl.
- Not a girl.Copy !req
330. - And straight up hottie.
- I am attractive, yes.Copy !req
331. - Any of us could
have ever asked for.Copy !req
332. - Thanks, guys.Copy !req
333. Because of the way we were
conceived of and created,Copy !req
334. Janets don't typically
give speeches.Copy !req
335. - Oh, she's done.
She's not gonna give a speech.Copy !req
336. Okay. Cool.Copy !req
337. - Ooh! One more toast.Copy !req
338. To Michael!Copy !req
339. - Michael!
- Whoo-whoo! Hoo-hoo!Copy !req
340. - Who is easily the best
version of himself.Copy !req
341. Granted, the bar was low.
He is a demon.Copy !req
342. But he made a mistake
and admitted he was wrong,Copy !req
343. which makes him better
than 90% of all humans.Copy !req
344. - And you know what, it wasn't
really Michael's fault.Copy !req
345. We weren't getting into
the Good Place anyway.Copy !req
346. I mean, look at us.Copy !req
347. A self-obsessed socialite,Copy !req
348. a ridiculous giraffe,
an absurd British aristocrat,Copy !req
349. a narcissistic
attention seeker.Copy !req
350. - Are these all me?
- Yes.Copy !req
351. I was gonna do eight for you,
and one for everyone else.Copy !req
352. The point is Michael,
we forgive you.Copy !req
353. I mean, at least you tried to
find a way to the Good Place.Copy !req
354. And that's the greatest thing
someone can do,Copy !req
355. just try your best.Copy !req
356. So we hereby name you
an honorary human.Copy !req
357. And we would like
to present youCopy !req
358. with this human
starter kit.Copy !req
359. - Car keys!Copy !req
360. So I could lose them, and say,
"Has anyone seen my car keys?"Copy !req
361. I can do that you know
that thing where—Copy !req
362. Thank you!Copy !req
363. And Band-Aids for your stupid,
fragile bodies.Copy !req
364. Oh, and look at this.Copy !req
365. A stress ball with a dumb
corporate logo.Copy !req
366. Oh, I can't wait to
keep finding thisCopy !req
367. and then almost throw it away,
and then think,Copy !req
368. "No, I'll use it."Copy !req
369. Oh, guys.Copy !req
370. A Dr. Oz diet book because
you're all such suckers.Copy !req
371. This is all garbage that
I have no real use for.Copy !req
372. - That's right.
Welcome to being human, buddy.Copy !req
373. To Michael!Copy !req
374. - You don't remember?
- No.Copy !req
375. - Of course you don't!
- That's mean!Copy !req
376. - That was version one!Copy !req
377. - Michael, there's a message
coming in from Shawn.Copy !req
378. - "Finish shutting
everything down.Copy !req
379. "Sending train
first thing tomorrow.Copy !req
380. "Humans will be captured
and tortured soup.Copy !req
381. "Sorry. Autocorrect. Soon.Copy !req
382. "Although weirdly,Copy !req
383. "I did just finish turning
someone into soup.Copy !req
384. So random. Okay. Bye."Copy !req
385. - What do you guys
think the Bad PlaceCopy !req
386. is going to be for you?Copy !req
387. I'll probably go
to a Skrillex concert.Copy !req
388. And I'll be waiting
for the bass drop,Copy !req
389. and it—Copy !req
390. it'll never come.Copy !req
391. - For me it'll be camping.Copy !req
392. Like, I'll just always
be camping.Copy !req
393. - I'm pretty good at turning
every place I goCopy !req
394. into my personal hell,Copy !req
395. so I think they'll have
a lot of options for me.Copy !req
396. - Mine will obviously
be an eternityCopy !req
397. spent in the Swiss Alps.Copy !req
398. - That sounds amazing.Copy !req
399. - In Autumn.
The off-season.Copy !req
400. - Yeah. Still fine.
You'd be fine.Copy !req
401. Who are we kidding?Copy !req
402. You'll probably be running
the place in like a week.Copy !req
403. She'll be like,
"Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy,Copy !req
404. This simply won't do. I demand
to speak to your manager."Copy !req
405. - Again! Again!
- "Your manager."Copy !req
406. - Of course! That's it.Copy !req
407. We should speak to the manager.Copy !req
408. Wait, you said that there was a
judge who decides on disputesCopy !req
409. between the Good Place
and the Bad Place, right?Copy !req
410. Some sort of head honcho
I could pace in front ofCopy !req
411. and plead our case toCopy !req
412. and maybe even wag a finger
at disapprovingly.Copy !req
413. - I thought about that.
It's a non-starter.Copy !req
414. Judge rarely hears cases.Copy !req
415. And the only way to get
to the Judge's officeCopy !req
416. is through a portal,
and we can never get to that.Copy !req
417. - Why not?Copy !req
418. - We'd have to walk through
the actual Bad Place,Copy !req
419. in plain sight,
without getting caught.Copy !req
420. Reach and pass
through the portal,Copy !req
421. Convince the judge
to hear us out,Copy !req
422. even though we didn't go
through the proper channels.Copy !req
423. And then somehow win
our unwinnable case.Copy !req
424. - Okay.Copy !req
425. Let's do it.Copy !req
426. - You're serious?Copy !req
427. - Yeah!
What do we have to lose?Copy !req
428. - All I've ever really
wanted was to knowCopy !req
429. what it feels like to be human,Copy !req
430. and now we're going to do the
most human thing of all:Copy !req
431. attempt something futile with
a ton of unearned confidenceCopy !req
432. and fail spectacularly!Copy !req
433. Get up! Get up!
Everyone.Copy !req
434. Get rest tonight.Copy !req
435. First thing tomorrow,Copy !req
436. - We had a lot of
good times together.Copy !req
437. I'll see you in the next life.Copy !req
438. - Good-bye, clowns.Copy !req
439. Goodbye, modernist
architectureCopy !req
440. that I was too trashy
to appreciate.Copy !req
441. - Good-bye, house.Copy !req
442. - Good-bye, house.Copy !req
443. - What up, idiot?Copy !req
444. This is the 8:22 express
to Bad Place Headquarters.Copy !req
445. We'd like to begin
the boarding processCopy !req
446. with our first-class fat dinks.Copy !req
447. And there is no
overhead storage,Copy !req
448. so if you have any bags,Copy !req
449. why don't you just go ahead and
place them up your fat butts?Copy !req
450. - Sorry about this, Bad Janet.Copy !req
451. - Sorry about what,
you fat dink?Copy !req
452. - This was your life's work.Copy !req
453. Are you okay with leaving
the fake Good Place behind?Copy !req
454. - As long as I'm with you guys,Copy !req
455. I'm always in the
fake Good Place.Copy !req
456. - That doesn't sound as nice
as you think it does.Copy !req
457. - The real Bad Place was the
friends we made along the way.Copy !req
458. - Nope. Still nonsense.
One more try.Copy !req
459. - In a way, the Good PlaceCopy !req
460. was inside the Bad PlaceCopy !req
461. all along?Copy !req
462. - You know what?
That's technically true.Copy !req
463. I'm gonna give it to you.Copy !req
464. I just made an aphorism.Copy !req
465. Hit it, Janet!Copy !req
466. Next stop,
the actual Bad Place!Copy !req