The Good Place 2x7

1. - Go back to the void, babe. I'll be there in a minute.

2. - Okay, I'll miss you like crazy.

3. - I'll miss you more. - No.

4. I'll miss you more. Bye!

5. That's my first time making someone

6. so he might be a little bit off.

7. - Janet, you can't just go around inventing people.

8. Get rid of him immediately.

9. - No. Eleanor told me to find a rebound guy.

10. I couldn't find one so I made one.

11. He's helping me forget about Jason.

12. - Ugh.

13. Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

14. Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason,

15. Jason, Jason, Jason—

16. - Honey... - Jason, Jason, Jason—

17. - Babe. Babe! Don't be jealous.

18. I love you now. - Aww.

19. - We are going to spend every second together.

20. - No, no!

21. No, you are not.

22. Janet, no one can know about...

23. I'm so sorry. What is your name again?

24. - Derek Hoffstetler.

25. - If anybody finds out about him, we are doomed.

26. He has to stay in your void.

27. - It's our void now.

28. We moved in together! - What!

29. Can you believe it?

30. I got my own hanger for my jumpsuit.

31. - Already? I mean, that's so fast.

32. - Well, when you know you know.

33. And we know literally everything.

34. We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's—

35. - Derek!

36. - Hey, guys.

37. Michael, you frightened me.

38. Jason's making me watch this horror film

39. about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder

40. a neglected a child.

41. - Get over here.

42. - Hey, I've got some great news.

43. I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway.

44. I bet you're tired of being cooped up

45. in this house, aren't you?

46. - I am a bit, actually.

47. All this time indoors has degraded my skin

48. from radiant to merely dewy.

49. Me? Dewy?

50. - Well, there is going to be plenty of sun and fun

51. at the private campsite that I set up for you

52. at the edge of the neighborhood.

53. Here you go. I told Vicky that

54. I'll be torturing you for the time being

55. so just relax. Live it up. Out you go, here.

56. Now sadly, Janet is still offline

57. so you can't call her, okay?

58. The best news is none of this is suspicious.

59. - I don't know what's going to happen to us,

60. but I need to tell you something.

61. I love you.

62. - What are you watching?

63. - Um, "Cannonball Run II."

64. - Again?

65. You watch that movie a lot.

66. - Well, it's basically my favorite movie of all time.

67. But you can never watch it.

68. This copy's mine. Uh-oh.

69. I guess I'm still pretty selfish.

70. Help! I need another ethics lesson, quick!

71. - Very weird energy coming off you right now.

72. - Hey guys, whatcha doing?

73. Nothing? Great.

74. So, Chidi, just wanted to double check.

75. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

76. - It's frowned upon. - Okay.

77. What if the reason you want to murder someone

78. is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

79. - Is there a problem here, bud?

80. - Okay, I'll just tell you. Um...

81. No, too hard to explain.

82. I'll show you. Janet.

83. - Hi, there. - Hey, there!

84. - Who the fork is that?

85. - Derek Hoffstetler, P.I.

86. - Derek is my rebound guy.

87. I made him.

88. - Oh.

89. Did you do that because of what I said?

90. - Yes, because of what you said.

91. - Janet... - Thank you, Eleanor.

92. - Thank you, Eleanor.

93. - You know, you seem so sad.

94. Do you want me to make you a boyfriend too?

95. - Ooh, I could have a brother? - Yes!

96. Based on your last 10,000 comments,

97. it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin's head on Tahani's body.

98. - Or vice versa.

99. - She's not going to make you anything.

100. Janet, that will be all. - Okay, goodbye.

101. Say "goodbye," Derek. - Ah, good-bob.

102. I hope we same place again very now.

103. His brain is wrong.

104. - Mmm. - Mm.

105. - Now, the goal is to tap the ball

106. hard enough that it goes through the wicket

107. but not so hard that it goes too far through.

108. It combines both classic aspects of British sport:

109. whimsy and restraint.

110. Oh, so restrained.

111. I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain

112. who called croquet "barely a game."

113. - It's kind of fun I guess,

114. but can I teach you a different game?

115. In this one, you just whack it as hard as you can

116. in whatever direction you want.

117. Jaguars rule!

118. - The Jaguars are very good. Oh!

119. - Whoa, nice.

120. - Mmm.

121. - Thor! - Well done.

122. - Okay, here's where I am on this:

123. We gotta to kill Derek.

124. No, think about it.

125. What if Vicky calls for Janet, and Derek shows up too?

126. She's got to have a lot of questions

127. that we can't answer.

128. - But Derek does seem to be

129. helping Janet get over Jason.

130. Right? No earthquakes since he showed up.

131. If we get rid of Derek,

132. then maybe Janet will start glitching again...

133. - Okay, if we can't kill Derek,

134. then we've got to break up Jason and Tahani.

135. If that relationship ends,

136. then Janet won't feel sad anymore,

137. and maybe she'll get rid of Derek herself.

138. - Girl, you are a messy bench who loves drama,

139. and I am into it. - I'm sorry, Michael,

140. but that's also ethically kind of dicey.

141. - Here comes the egghead.

142. - Well, look, Jason and Tahani are happy together,

143. and telling them that he was once married to Janet

144. might cause them harm.

145. It's not permissible to ruin

146. their happiness to save ourselves.

147. - Wait, but isn't keeping a secret from someone

148. basically like lying though?

149. - No, no, it's okay to keep a secret as long as that secret

150. isn't harming anyone,

151. and telling them that secret might cause harm.

152. - Noice! - Cool.

153. Good point, egghead.

154. I'll tell you what else would cause them harm,

155. getting caught and being sent to the real Bad Place

156. to be tortured for eternity, which will happen

157. if Derek blows our cover.

158. - I know, but we'll also be sent to the real Bad Place

159. if we do bad things.

160. I know it's tempting to take a short-cut,

161. but moral strength is defined by how we behave

162. in times of stress.

163. - Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?

164. - Everyone.

165. Constantly.

166. I hereby pronounce you King Jason.

167. - Dope.

168. Where did you learn how to do this?

169. - The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls.

170. It was a finishing school I attended before Oxford,

171. and then, of course, the Sorbonne.

172. Do you know what, I don't think I ever asked you were educated.

173. - I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School

174. in Northeast Jacksonville,

175. which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.

176. - Didn't you get seasick?

177. - No, sorry— they were tied together in a junk yard.

178. It wasn't a very good school.

179. For most of my classes,

180. we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.

181. - You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is...

182. deeply disturbing.

183. And yet, I envy you.

184. I was never allowed to goof off.

185. Never even had a friend I could just be myself around.

186. - Maybe I can be that friend.

187. - Or your husband.

188. Okay, stop it.

189. - No, no, no, I'm serious.

190. Will you marry me?

191. - I say we just let sleeping dogs lie.

192. Tell Janet that Derek can stay,

193. but she's got to keep him under wraps

194. so that none of the other demons find out.

195. - Fine. As long as they fly under the radar

196. and Janet stays happy, I think we'll be safe.

197. Janet.

198. - How could you do this. - You don't respect me,

199. and you never have!

200. Because to you I will always be

201. that guy you made.

202. - Guys, what's going? - Okay, can we not do this

203. in front of my friends?

204. - Oh, so they're your friends now.

205. I'm stating a fact. They are your friends!

206. I don't know these people.

207. I am out of here.

208. - Oh, great, Derek.

209. - I'm going to go back to our void,

210. and I'm going to try to forget this ever happened.

211. - It is not your void. It is my void.

212. I know it's a boundless, barren nothingness,

213. but you are always there.

214. - Fine. I'll go somewhere else.

215. - Fine! - No, no, not fine.

216. Don't go somewhere else.

217. - Okay... yeah...

218. - Look, Jason, you're lovely,

219. and I have honestly

220. had a wonderful time

221. with you these past few weeks,

222. but why on Earth would I marry you?

223. - Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.

224. - Decent point.

225. - Also, we like each other,

226. and I promise to always be nice to you.

227. - Okay.

228. I'll marry you.

229. But I need some time to plan a proper reception.

230. I mean, where will everyone sit?

231. Will it be Michael and Janet opposite Chidi and Eleanor

232. or Michael and Eleanor opposite Janet and Chidi?

233. - Let's have it today at the beach.

234. The beach is where all the best stuff happens like...

235. swimsuit issues and... "Saving Private Ryan"

236. and "Jersey Shore" and...

237. crabs! - Okay.

238. Oh, I hope Janet's back online.

239. - Janet. - Hi, there.

240. - Is everything all right, Janet?

241. - Yeah, mm-hmm, everything is fine, it's okay, yeah.

242. I'm fine. So, it's all fine.

243. How can I help you?

244. - There he is!

245. - Derek. How are you? Nice to meet you.

246. - Derek, get down from there.

247. - I am not coming down because I meant to come here.

248. I came here on purpose

249. because this tree is my new house.

250. This is Derek's house, and Janet's not allowed in

251. because I booby trapped it.

252. - Hi. - Janet!

253. Oh, my God, you're here, thank God.

254. - Derek, I am not talking to you right now.

255. I'm here to announce that Jason Mendoza

256. and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting married this evening.

257. - "The ceremony will be private,

258. "but we think it would be totally dope

259. "if you biz-natches came

260. and got turnt up with us afterward."

261. - I think I can guess who wrote the invitation.

262. - How come you never get this upset at anything I do, Janet?

263. - Do not start with me right now, Derek.

264. - Oh, I will start it.

265. - No, no. - Don't.

266. - Do not avoid me by going to the void.

267. - No, no! - No, no, no!

268. - What a little bench!

269. Things are falling apart here.

270. Chidi...

271. I understand the ethics involved,

272. but we need to stop that wedding.

273. We break up Jason and Tahani.

274. Janet stops being sad.

275. Derek goes away.

276. - Fine, but—

277. - There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect.

278. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this

279. with the intention of killing Derek.

280. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani

281. from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.

282. - No, I got you, I got you. So, it's like...

283. ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married

284. to Janet, and it sure would be terrible

285. if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.

286. - No, the winking is bad.

287. You should not be winking or saying the word "wink."

288. - Okay. We really need to kill—

289. We really need to kill any suspicion

290. that I want to murder Derek. Boom!

291. - Wink. - No.

292. - Tahani, you're so smart.

293. Every day you teach me something new about...

294. art... and history...

295. and why you shouldn't eat everything that smells good

296. because sometimes, it's candles.

297. You're basically, like, a hot genius teacher

298. who sometime has sex with me, your student.

299. That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School,

300. but this time you won't be arrested.

301. Oh, I love you, Tahani.

302. Pew! Pew!

303. - Jason...

304. I'd never guess we would be where we are today,

305. me, a prominent British philanthropist

306. with award-winning legs set to marry you,

307. a swamp dweller who once asked me

308. if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts

309. on the other side.

310. We don't make any sense together,

311. and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down,

312. metaphorically speaking of course,

313. because I'd never have it up in the first place.

314. I'm not a factory worker.

315. But you've helped me to see that there is more to life

316. than just appearances,

317. and I can't believe I'm about to say this but...

318. I think I love— - Wait!

319. Stop the ceremony!

320. This wedding cannot happen. - This is not helpful,

321. but I have always wanted to be a part of a wedding

322. that was stopped dramatically.

323. - We can't get married? Why not?

324. - Because...

325. Because...

326. Hang on a second. I can't do it.

327. Professor Buzzkill got in my head.

328. I'm just thinking about all the rules I have to follow

329. to stay ethical.

330. Someone else is going to have to do this.

331. I can't, no— - All right, all right.

332. I hate the be the bearer of bad news—

333. - Uh, I think you mean "Bad News Bear."

334. - Before all the reboots, Jason was married to Janet.

335. Okay? That's why Janet's been glitching

336. because she's sad 'cause she misses Jason,

337. In fact, she was so sad she...

338. Well... Derek.

339. - Well, well, well.

340. Jason Mendoza.

341. At last we meet.

342. You've got a lot of nerve buddy.

343. - No, no. I'm Eleanor, man.

344. Everybody, this is Derek.

345. Janet made Derek as a boyfriend

346. to try and rebound from Jason.

347. - Oh, I feel quite light-headed.

348. - Decision time.

349. Any second now someone is going to realize

350. we're all missing.

351. - Why don't you just reboot all of us?

352. Tahani and Jason will forget

353. they were ever in love.

354. It was a flukey thing.

355. It probably won't happen again,

356. and Chidi and I can forget...

357. anything we want to forget.

358. You know, just like, uh...

359. personal bloopers that were embarrassing or...

360. uh, days we were very gassy, et cetera.

361. And then, we'll meet back in your office.

362. You bring us up to speed, and we go from there.

363. - No, no, no, we are not starting over.

364. We've come too far.

365. Our only options are to reboot either Janet or Derek.

366. - Neither one is permissible as your primary intention.

367. I mean, the Doctrine of Double Effect, remember?

368. - Well, man, I'm working

369. with a doctrine of not being completely effed, okay?

370. - I don't understand what you even like about Jason.

371. What does he have that I don't have?

372. - A soul...

373. and genitals.

374. Here we go

375. with this whole "no genitals" thing again.

376. You're the one that gave me wind chimes

377. instead of a penis, Janet.

378. - This isn't about your wind-chime penis.

379. In fact, it's not about you at all.

380. I don't even know what it is about which is very confusing

381. because the whole point of me is that I know everything!

382. - Janet, can I speak to you alone for a second?

383. Okay, look, when you said you were sad about Jason

384. and I suggested, "hey, find a rebound guy,"

385. it's 'cause I thought it was some sort of schoolgirl crush,

386. like, just some guy you made out with a couple of times

387. in the walk-in freezer of a Bruegger's Bagels.

388. Not based on a real example. - Yes, it is.

389. His name was Marcus Bitsburger.

390. - Marcus? I always called him Ben.

391. Look, I gave you bad advice, okay?

392. Jason was clearly important to you,

393. and real heartbreak doesn't have a simple cure.

394. I mean, you will feel better after some time goes by.

395. - I don't really experience the passage of time.

396. I do use it as lotion occasionally.

397. - I mean, weird,

398. but keep doing it because your skin looks amazing.

399. - Thank you. Not skin.

400. - The point is,

401. to get through a real heartbreak,

402. you kind of just have to sit with your feelings

403. and mull it over and power through.

404. And you have to talk about it.

405. Talking about your feelings is the worst.

406. It's so much easier just to find a rebound guy

407. and have sex about your feelings.

408. - I don't know if I want to talk to Jason right now.

409. - That's cool. Until then...

410. If you ever need a friend to talk to...

411. Just know I'm here.

412. - Derek.

413. There's no easy way to say this.

414. I never should have made you.

415. - I think it's time for you to go away.

416. - I understand because you understand.

417. Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours

418. of my whole life.

419. It's been the only seven hours of my whole life.

420. - I made you this morning. We all remember.

421. Okay, you ready to do this? - Yep.

422. - Janet.

423. What are you doing? - I imbued Derek

424. with some of my thoughts and emotions.

425. This is the only way I can reabsorb them.

426. It will just be a minute.

427. - Dang it.

428. That is some hot reabsorbing.

429. - Can you get pregnant from reabsorbing?

430. - Uh-oh, I hear wind chimes.

431. Look away. Everybody look away.

432. - Goodbye, Derek. - Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend.

433. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.

434. - Does he seem a little bit uh...

435. still alive?

436. - Well, he's about as dead as he can be.

437. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

438. - Derek.

439. - Are you worried you might start glitching again?

440. - No, I think I'll be okay

441. now that I understand what I'm going through,

442. and now that I know I can talk to my friends about it.

443. Okay, I'm going to toss this steamer trunk

444. containing the lifeless husk of my ex-boyfriend

445. into a remote corner of my limitless void.

446. Bye, guys. - Derek!

447. - I'm kind of glad we didn't get married today.

448. - Me too.

449. Perhaps we were rushing things a bit.

450. I mean, we don't even know that much about each other.

451. Like, who was the first person you kissed?

452. - The sexy mouse robot in the Chuck E. Cheese band.

453. Okay, okay. I think that's probably enough

454. getting to know each other for now.

455. We'll just take things slow.

456. - I know I'm technically married to Janet,

457. but I don't remember it at all.

458. I'm sorry that it puts you in a weird position,

459. and I still like you a lot.

460. - Me too.

461. What happens now?

462. - Don't know.

463. Do you want to try...

464. reabsorbing me?

465. - Is something wrong? - No. Yep.

466. I've been keeping a secret from you.

467. About you. - What is it?

468. - The thing is, it's not even harming you,

469. and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you.

470. So, uh, ethically speaking,

471. I don't think I have to tell you.

472. - Yeah, well, forget all that.

473. This is freaking me out. I'm losing my mind.

474. So just tell me.

475. - And you don't need to respond because...

476. I know you have trouble saying how you feel—

477. - I love you too.

478. I've never been that certain about anything.

479. I once even tried to... rent socks.

480. How did I... say that...

481. that easily.

482. - I mean, I get how you said it.

483. I'm a total smokeshow.

484. But how did I say it so easily?

485. Look, I don't want to talk about this,

486. but after everything that's happened today,

487. I think we gotta.

488. So, let's just get it all out there.

489. Um...

490. Well, yeah, I guess, do you...

491. I don't know— do you have any feelings

492. like that for me again, now?

493. - I'm sorry, but I don't think I do?

494. - Sorry? Why are you sorry?

495. 'Cause I'm relieved, because I don't either.

496. So, all good.

497. - I mean, I feel incredibly close to you—

498. - No, no, no, no— dude, dude—

499. you don't need to explain yourself.

500. We are on the same page, okay? Good.

501. - Hey guys, sorry.

502. I know it's late.

503. Can I talk to Eleanor for a second?

504. Actually, we're chatting about something right now.

505. - No, it's cool. We were wrapping it up.

506. Good talk, bro.

507. What's on your mind? - Um, well...

508. being ethical... it's hard,

509. and I kind of hate it.

510. When's it get easier?

511. - Why don't you ask Chidi?

512. He's the ethics master. I'm just a newbie,

513. and I still kind of suck at it.

514. - Yeah, that's why I'm asking you.

515. I designed this entire torture chamber

516. around the absolutely certainty that

517. when the going got tough, you would give up.

518. That was the signature Shellstrop move.

519. Do you remember once when your change oil light came on?

520. You just abandoned your car in a parking garage.

521. - Of course.

522. - But here, faced with the toughest challenges

523. I could throw at you,

524. you never once stopped trying to become a better person.

525. And I just...

526. Why?

527. - I don't know.

528. I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth,

529. there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head

530. that would say, "Eleanor,

531. "don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar.

532. You know, you didn't pay for that,"

533. or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor

534. of the grocery store. That's not cool."

535. Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit,

536. "and he fell down.

537. "Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted

538. to go back and steal more olives."

539. - I get it. - This ethics stuff, it's hard,

540. and it's confusing.

541. It is such a buzzkill.

542. But, it does get rid of the little voice.

543. Because at least I'm trying to do the right thing

544. instead of the crappy thing, and I've got to say, man,

545. I don't miss the little voice.

546. - Well...

547. Thank you for helping me today.

548. - Wow. You really did just come here to chat, didn't you?

549. Just shootin' the shirt with your old pal Eleanor.

550. - I guess so, yeah, why?

551. - It's just a very human-y thing to do.

552. Stick with the program, demon buddy.

553. I really feel like things are starting to click

554. in our little study group.

555. - Hmm.

556. - Hello, Michael.

557. Shut the door.

558. Have a seat.