1. - You've got to admitCopy !req
2. things are going pretty well
since I took over.Copy !req
3. - Certainly a lot
smoother lately.Copy !req
4. And based on my surveillance,Copy !req
5. our four humans
don't suspect anything.Copy !req
6. - Yeah,
because we're killing it.Copy !req
7. - Whoo-hoo-hoo.Copy !req
8. - You sure are.Copy !req
9. Here are the torture ideasCopy !req
10. you asked me to write up
for next week.Copy !req
11. So long.Copy !req
12. You're not supposed to be
torturing me.Copy !req
13. From now on,
make all your memosCopy !req
14. one page max
with pictures.Copy !req
15. Also, Quinston over hereCopy !req
16. already came up
with a sick ideaCopy !req
17. for how to torture Tahani.Copy !req
18. Tell him, babe.Copy !req
19. - We're going to have
Tahani throw a partyCopy !req
20. for Gunnar's birthday,
but no one will show upCopy !req
21. because we'll also
be throwing a party,Copy !req
22. and it will be way better.Copy !req
23. - Boom.Copy !req
24. - Where do you get
these incredible ideas?Copy !req
25. - Oh, that one just came to me.Copy !req
26. It just like popped
right into my noodle.Copy !req
27. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
28. Up top!Copy !req
29. - So that's their plan.Copy !req
30. - This doesn't seem so bad.Copy !req
31. - It really tucks my nuggets.Copy !req
32. I worked so hard
on my torture ideas,Copy !req
33. and theirs are so basic.Copy !req
34. These millennials,
they have no work ethic.Copy !req
35. Oh, sorry,
a millennial is someoneCopy !req
36. who has only been torturing
people for a thousand years.Copy !req
37. A millennial.Copy !req
38. - Okay.
Coast is clear.Copy !req
39. Not a demon in sight.Copy !req
40. Except for, you know...Copy !req
41. Is that what we should
call you? "Demon"?Copy !req
42. - Well, I mean,
it's not really accurate,Copy !req
43. and we consider it
to be a little racist.Copy !req
44. But it's fine.Copy !req
45. - Well, um,Copy !req
46. let's start
our first lesson.Copy !req
47. Tahani and Jason
will have to make it upCopy !req
48. since they're both off
being fake-tortured.Copy !req
49. - All right.Copy !req
50. Well, I've read everything
on your syllabus,Copy !req
51. and how do I put
this delicately?Copy !req
52. It's all, ah,Copy !req
53. stupid garbage.Copy !req
54. - Look, we have to start
somewhere.Copy !req
55. So how about Socrates?Copy !req
56. - All right, all right.Copy !req
57. Let me just get into
the mind-set of a human.Copy !req
58. "Oh, I'm a human,Copy !req
59. "and my breathing tube
is next to my eating tube.Copy !req
60. "Oh, and look,Copy !req
61. my arms end
in stupid little sticks."Copy !req
62. Okay.Copy !req
63. Proceed.Copy !req
64. - Good.Copy !req
65. - This is
so depressing.Copy !req
66. I'm being forced to throw
a party that I know will fail.Copy !req
67. - That's why they're
doing this.Copy !req
68. It's what you're best at.Copy !req
69. Just like I'm the best
at getting empty water bottlesCopy !req
70. to stay on the roof
of a Pizza Hut.Copy !req
71. - You know what?Copy !req
72. I am the best
at planning parties.Copy !req
73. Vicky may be
some demonic torturerCopy !req
74. from the netherworld,
but does she have taste?Copy !req
75. Sophistication?Copy !req
76. An encyclopedic knowledge
of traditionalCopy !req
77. and avant-garde
Belgian floral design?Copy !req
78. - Yes! She does.Copy !req
79. No.
She doesn't.Copy !req
80. - What if I throw a party
that is so amazingCopy !req
81. that it's actually betterCopy !req
82. than the party
that's supposed to win?Copy !req
83. When they realize they
could have to my party,Copy !req
84. they'll be sad.
I won't be sad.Copy !req
85. They'll be sad.Copy !req
86. Janet!
- Hi there.Copy !req
87. - Janet, when I turned 18,Copy !req
88. I knelt in front
of Princess Grace'sCopy !req
89. dress mausoleum,
and I sworeCopy !req
90. to uphold
the Hostess Code:Copy !req
91. "I, Tahani Al-Jamil,Copy !req
92. "shall do
my level bestCopy !req
93. "to make every event...Copy !req
94. too much."Copy !req
95. Model tonight's décor
after my 2008 fundraiserCopy !req
96. for the Red Cross in Zurich.Copy !req
97. No.Copy !req
98. 2007.Copy !req
99. - Man.Copy !req
100. Michael is not
into your class.Copy !req
101. Right now,
I'm the best student.Copy !req
102. I'm going to be the...Copy !req
103. velociraptor.Copy !req
104. - You trying to say
"valedictorian?"Copy !req
105. - No. Look, dude,
this isn't your fault.Copy !req
106. You've been teaching him
ethics for half an hour,Copy !req
107. and he's been evil
since...Copy !req
108. the beginning of time.Copy !req
109. - Oh!Copy !req
110. Maybe the reason
Michael can't latchCopy !req
111. onto the ideas is
because he's immortal.Copy !req
112. Look, look.
If you live forever,Copy !req
113. then ethics don't matter
to you because, basically,Copy !req
114. there's no consequences
for your actions.Copy !req
115. You tell a lie,
who cares?Copy !req
116. Wait a few trillion years,
the guilt will fade.Copy !req
117. Before I can teach Michael
to be good,Copy !req
118. I have to force him
to think aboutCopy !req
119. what we used to
think about:Copy !req
120. that life
has an end,Copy !req
121. and therefore
our actions have meaning.Copy !req
122. - That's what you
used to think about?Copy !req
123. I used to think about
how it's weirdCopy !req
124. they don't make pants
that are just one big pant legCopy !req
125. for both your legs.Copy !req
126. - You mean a skirt?Copy !req
127. - No.Copy !req
128. You're not getting it.
And my thing is different,Copy !req
129. so shut up.Copy !req
130. - Michael?
- Yeah.Copy !req
131. - Is there any way
that you can die?Copy !req
132. - Yeah, actually there is.Copy !req
133. It's called retirement.Copy !req
134. It's rare, butCopy !req
135. when one of us
really screws something up...Copy !req
136. - And what happens exactly?Copy !req
137. - Well,
it's fairly straightforward.Copy !req
138. My essence would be scooped
out of my bodyCopy !req
139. with a flaming ladle,Copy !req
140. and every molecule of my bodyCopy !req
141. would be placed on the surface
of a different sun.Copy !req
142. - Sure.Copy !req
143. - So is that what
would happenCopy !req
144. if your boss found out
that you defected to our side?Copy !req
145. - Yeah.Copy !req
146. - Okay, so that might
actually happen,Copy !req
147. and if it did
there would beCopy !req
148. no more...Copy !req
149. Michael.Copy !req
150. Think about that
for a second.Copy !req
151. Imagine being retired.Copy !req
152. Everyone else is here.Copy !req
153. But you?
Poof.Copy !req
154. Gone.
Nothingness.Copy !req
155. Inky black void.
Done.Copy !req
156. - Okay.Copy !req
157. I'll think about that.Copy !req
158. Huh.Copy !req
159. So...Copy !req
160. you're saying
that I would be...Copy !req
161. No...Copy !req
162. Me?Copy !req
163. - Okay!Copy !req
164. - Dude,
you broke Michael.Copy !req
165. - No, no.
This is good.Copy !req
166. He's having
an existential crisis.Copy !req
167. It's a sort of
anguish people go throughCopy !req
168. when they contemplate
the silent indifferenceCopy !req
169. of our empty universe.Copy !req
170. Look, the good news is,Copy !req
171. if he can work through this,Copy !req
172. it's the first step
towards understandingCopy !req
173. human ethics.
- And what if he can't?Copy !req
174. - Then, he'll be
a lifeless shell of miseryCopy !req
175. forever,
and we're all doomed.Copy !req
176. Okay,Copy !req
177. I will be right back.Copy !req
178. Gotta go grab some Camus.Copy !req
179. - Hey, buddy.Copy !req
180. How you doing?Copy !req
181. Can I get you a snack?Copy !req
182. Do you eat?
I can never remember.Copy !req
183. What do you eat?
Babies?Copy !req
184. Do you want me to get you
a big fat baby?Copy !req
185. What flavor baby?Copy !req
186. How about
a Cool Ranch baby?Copy !req
187. - Searching for meaning
is philosophical suicide.Copy !req
188. How does anyone
do anything...Copy !req
189. when you understand the
fleeting nature of existence?Copy !req
190. - It's pretty easy, man.Copy !req
191. I mean, you learn about deathCopy !req
192. when you're a kid,Copy !req
193. and it's just not
that big of a deal.Copy !req
194. - Eleanor,Copy !req
195. baby,Copy !req
196. I have some sad news.Copy !req
197. Your doggie, Max,
has passed away.Copy !req
198. Do you know
what that means?Copy !req
199. Well,
sometimes when a dogCopy !req
200. is very old,Copy !req
201. like, five or six
or something,Copy !req
202. he crosses
a long rainbow bridge,Copy !req
203. and at the end
of that bridgeCopy !req
204. is a beautiful farm
with lots of grass and treesCopy !req
205. and, I don't know, wagonsCopy !req
206. and a rainbow.Copy !req
207. I already said "rainbow."Copy !req
208. The point is:Copy !req
209. that's where Max is.Copy !req
210. - Can we visit him
at the farm?Copy !req
211. - Nope, because
it's very far away...Copy !req
212. in... Guam.Copy !req
213. It's in Guam.
- Can we at least—Copy !req
214. - Okay, look.
I'm lying, okay?Copy !req
215. You caught me.
Congratulations.Copy !req
216. The farm is made up.Copy !req
217. The bridge is made up.Copy !req
218. There's no such place
as Guam.Copy !req
219. Your dog, Max, is deadCopy !req
220. in a duffel bag
under the deck.Copy !req
221. - How did he die?Copy !req
222. - The short answer is:
I don't know.Copy !req
223. And the slightly longer answer
is: I didn't knowCopy !req
224. how hot it gets
in cars sometimes.Copy !req
225. The point is:
don't be sad.Copy !req
226. Honestly,
I'll get kind of annoyedCopy !req
227. if you do get sadCopy !req
228. because it's been
a very long dayCopy !req
229. and that bitch Carol
from work was reallyCopy !req
230. on my ass
about some stupid thingCopy !req
231. that I don't even know
what it was.Copy !req
232. And at the end
of that long day,Copy !req
233. I had to use
one of my favorite duffle bagsCopy !req
234. to do something very gross
that I did not like.Copy !req
235. Now, let's celebrate
that dead dog's lifeCopy !req
236. by bringing Mommy
another bottle of white.Copy !req
237. - I would say
I outdid myself,Copy !req
238. but I'm always this good.Copy !req
239. So I simply did myself.Copy !req
240. Everything is perfect.Copy !req
241. - Red alert, red alert.
We need help.Copy !req
242. - What's wrong with Michael?Copy !req
243. - Uh-oh.
I know that look.Copy !req
244. He just snorted
a bunch of printer toner.Copy !req
245. Mike, listen to me, you have
nothing to worry about.Copy !req
246. You still have around 70%
of your brain left.Copy !req
247. - No, no, this is more like
a philosophy overdose.Copy !req
248. Basically, Michael just smoked
a big bowl of ennui,Copy !req
249. and now he's having
an existential crisis.Copy !req
250. So,
we need to cheer him up.Copy !req
251. - Look at how pretty
the restaurant is.Copy !req
252. Didn't Tahani do
a good job?Copy !req
253. - Parties are
mere distractionsCopy !req
254. from the relentlessness
of entropy.Copy !req
255. We're all just corpses
who haven't yet begun to decay.Copy !req
256. - Yeah, but...Copy !req
257. balloons!Copy !req
258. Okay, we all head over
to Vicky's party together.Copy !req
259. We babysit Michael in shifts
so that no one seesCopy !req
260. he's a catatonic blob.Copy !req
261. - Or you could just
sit tight.Copy !req
262. The entire party are going to
be heading over here soon.Copy !req
263. Unless I am sorely mistaken.Copy !req
264. - I was sorely mistaken.Copy !req
265. - Okay, bud, whatever is
going on right now,Copy !req
266. just shove your feelings
way down deep,Copy !req
267. plaster on a fake smile,
and pretend you're having fun.Copy !req
268. Okay? Just like
I used to do when someoneCopy !req
269. started talking
about their kids.Copy !req
270. - Hey, welcome, guys.Copy !req
271. - Wow, this is...
elaborate.Copy !req
272. - Gunnar was an animal
rights activist.Copy !req
273. So the theme
of the party is "animals."Copy !req
274. Flying station's over there
if you want to flyCopy !req
275. like a falcon.Copy !req
276. - And over there we filled
a ball pit with puppies.Copy !req
277. That's fun.Copy !req
278. Oh, and have you ever wanted
to sit in a kangaroo pouch?Copy !req
279. - My whole dang life.Copy !req
280. - So we can all hang out
here for a bitCopy !req
281. and then we can head over
to your party—sound good?Copy !req
282. - Yo, this place is lit.Copy !req
283. I'm going to go jump
in that kangie's pouch.Copy !req
284. - Hey—Copy !req
285. All right, Tahani,
you just need to walkCopy !req
286. around the party
looking miserable.Copy !req
287. Great, just like that.
Perfect.Copy !req
288. And then Chidi and I
will keep an eye on Michael.Copy !req
289. - Where's Michael?Copy !req
290. - Uh... I think I found him.Copy !req
291. - There they are!Copy !req
292. Que pasa, muchachos?Copy !req
293. - Hey there, bud.
You okay?Copy !req
294. - Okay?
I'm a new man.Copy !req
295. Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much
for the adviceCopy !req
296. about shoving my feelings
down deep.Copy !req
297. I feel so much better.
It's like I'm surfingCopy !req
298. on this wave
of positivity.Copy !req
299. - Is that Janet?Copy !req
300. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
301. Have you met my secretary,
Jeanette?Copy !req
302. She's a lot like Janet,Copy !req
303. but she doesn't pretend
like she has all the answers.Copy !req
304. - Hi, Jeanette.Copy !req
305. - Oh, no, it's still me—
Janet.Copy !req
306. Michael just asked
that I change my appearance,Copy !req
307. and also say things like,
"You're so funny,"Copy !req
308. and "So how many quarterbacks
are in a home run?"Copy !req
309. - Man, repressing
your feelings is great.Copy !req
310. I was feeling stressed
all the time,Copy !req
311. and now it's just
so easy.Copy !req
312. Babe, we need to get
some food into you.Copy !req
313. Get you something
to eat.Copy !req
314. - I don't eat anything.Copy !req
315. - She's perfect.Copy !req
316. Hey!
Turn that around.Copy !req
317. - It did kind of hurt actually,
but I love it.Copy !req
318. - So he's moved on
from existential crisisCopy !req
319. to just straight-up
mid-life crisis.Copy !req
320. That's good, right?Copy !req
321. I knew a ton of guys
like that back in Arizona.Copy !req
322. I mean, they hit on you
when they're drunk,Copy !req
323. and their breath smells
like supplements,Copy !req
324. but overall
they're pretty harmless.Copy !req
325. - It's Chinese for "Japan."Copy !req
326. - Oh, so cool.Copy !req
327. - No, no.
This is worse.Copy !req
328. I mean, an existential crisis
is an acknowledgementCopy !req
329. that life is absurd.
And that absurdityCopy !req
330. needs to be confronted,
but this is just denial.Copy !req
331. And at any moment
that denial could collapse,Copy !req
332. and he'll be a mess.Copy !req
333. He is a Jenga tower
of sadness.Copy !req
334. - For an immortal being,
he's pretty fragile.Copy !req
335. I mean the guy contemplates
his own deathCopy !req
336. for one forking minute
and completely losesCopy !req
337. his grip on reality?Copy !req
338. You didn't have to come.Copy !req
339. I said I'm fine.Copy !req
340. - Yeah, well, I know you guys
weren't super close,Copy !req
341. but still.
It's hard...Copy !req
342. losing a parent.Copy !req
343. - Eleanor!
Mommy's here, baby!Copy !req
344. Oh, and who is this
tall drink of wine?Copy !req
345. - This is my boyfriend,
Sam.Copy !req
346. Sam, this is my mother—Copy !req
347. - Sister!
Sister—Copy !req
348. It's not going to work.Copy !req
349. It's my ex-husband's funeral.Copy !req
350. Thanks for blowing my cover,
Doug!Copy !req
351. Listen, baby.
Don't be sad, okay?Copy !req
352. Your father wasn't great.Copy !req
353. Let's call him
what he was:Copy !req
354. a fart in the shape of a man.Copy !req
355. - Can you just chill?Copy !req
356. I don't want to turn
Dad's funeral into a roast.Copy !req
357. - I'm not.
I'm just saying he sucked.Copy !req
358. I mean, the only photo
they could get of himCopy !req
359. was a mug shot.
He was doof.Copy !req
360. So don't be sad
that he's gone.Copy !req
361. - I'm not sad.
I'm fine.Copy !req
362. - Good!Copy !req
363. You know,
I had a long running betCopy !req
364. with Eleanor's father
that I would outlive him.Copy !req
365. You want to guess who won
that one? Come on, guess.Copy !req
366. - Well, we're at his funeral.
It's pretty clear—Copy !req
367. - I did!
I won!Copy !req
368. He's dead!
Up top!Copy !req
369. - Whoa.Copy !req
370. - Is there a bar?
I'm just going to...Copy !req
371. Did my mom slip you
her hotel room key?Copy !req
372. - Yes.Copy !req
373. Yes, she did.Copy !req
374. - Thanks so much for coming
to Gunnar's birthday party.Copy !req
375. Now, there was a little bit
of a mix up,Copy !req
376. and Tahani also planned
a birthday partyCopy !req
377. over at the restaurant.
So...Copy !req
378. why don't we all
head over there?Copy !req
379. - No need.
This party is far superior.Copy !req
380. - I'm sure yours
is amazing.Copy !req
381. - Well, I did fine
on the décor,Copy !req
382. but I don't have, you know,Copy !req
383. actual unicorns you can ride.Copy !req
384. So you all just stay here
and have fun.Copy !req
385. - Okay, well,
if that's what you want.Copy !req
386. Let's all get back
to the party, then.Copy !req
387. - Hang on, there,
mis amigos!Copy !req
388. Whoo! I want to make a toast.
- No, no, no, Michael, oh, boy.Copy !req
389. - Okay, I know
what you're thinking.Copy !req
390. Birth is a curse,
and existence is a prison.Copy !req
391. But don't think about that.Copy !req
392. Don't be sad, you guys.Copy !req
393. Focus on something great
like Drakkar Noir—Copy !req
394. whoo—which I am
wearing a lot of tonight.Copy !req
395. Or the Sharper Image Catalog.Copy !req
396. What can't those guys ionize?Copy !req
397. By the way,
I am feeling amazing.Copy !req
398. I'm going to do
some push-ups.Copy !req
399. Then we'll go around the roomCopy !req
400. and name our favorite cheese.Copy !req
401. - Okay, that's good
with the speeches.Copy !req
402. That's good, yeah.Copy !req
403. Let's all get back
to the party.Copy !req
404. What was that?Copy !req
405. You didn't run
any of that by me.Copy !req
406. - Oh, I know, I know.
I'm sorry, babe.Copy !req
407. Listen, when you guys
first took over,Copy !req
408. I was upset,
but it's all good now.Copy !req
409. I mean, anger is toxic.Copy !req
410. I'm not about
that negativity.Copy !req
411. Mi torture
es su torture.Copy !req
412. I am so happy
you're in charge.Copy !req
413. - Okay, well, good.Copy !req
414. - Namaste, chica.Copy !req
415. Do you want to dance?Copy !req
416. - No.
- Okay.Copy !req
417. - I'm leaving.Copy !req
418. I'm too miserable to stay here
for one more second.Copy !req
419. - Why?
There are baby monkeysCopy !req
420. and dolphins to rideCopy !req
421. and the game
of "Hungry, Hungry Hippos"Copy !req
422. with actual hippos.
This party is wayCopy !req
423. better than ours.
Why are you miserable?Copy !req
424. Ohh.Copy !req
425. - You stay and have fun.Copy !req
426. I'm going to go
and throw myself a pity party—Copy !req
427. though I doubt I can even
throw one of those properly.Copy !req
428. - God, I love this stuff!Copy !req
429. Oh!
Let's keep this party going!Copy !req
430. What now, huh?
Want to hit the clubs?Copy !req
431. Oh, oh, oh—Vegas!Copy !req
432. No, no, no, even better—
Dubai.Copy !req
433. - Jeanette,
make us a Dubai.Copy !req
434. - I kind of feel like maybe
we should wind down, have a—Copy !req
435. - No, no, can't do that.
Can't stop moving.Copy !req
436. Can't stop moving.Copy !req
437. If I stop moving,
I'll start thinkingCopy !req
438. and if I start thinking, I'll
start thinking about thingsCopy !req
439. I don't want to think about,
like death.Copy !req
440. Oops.Copy !req
441. I'm thinking about it now.Copy !req
442. Yep,
thinking about death again.Copy !req
443. Oh, I know.
Jeanette and I have been takingCopy !req
444. samba lessons, huh?Copy !req
445. Let us show you how to do it.
- Okay.Copy !req
446. - I think Vicky
bought his excuse,Copy !req
447. but we need to snap him
out of this.Copy !req
448. Which one of these confusing
French booksCopy !req
449. will make him normal again?Copy !req
450. - It's not that easy.Copy !req
451. I mean, emotionally, he's
all over the map right now,Copy !req
452. and I can't believe
I'm saying this,Copy !req
453. but I don't think
this can be solvedCopy !req
454. with a book.Copy !req
455. - What's the big whoop?Copy !req
456. I dealt with death,
and I was fine.Copy !req
457. - Were you? I mean,
you never had one momentCopy !req
458. where you were freaked out
by the permanence of death?Copy !req
459. Never one moment like that?Copy !req
460. - Hey, man, you got
toothbrush holders?Copy !req
461. - Sure, yeah,
right over here.Copy !req
462. - What's this?Copy !req
463. Who has four toothbrushes?
Like, Bill Gates or something?Copy !req
464. - No, that's like,
for a family.Copy !req
465. - Family?Copy !req
466. Like, a whole family
and their toothbrushesCopy !req
467. all together?Copy !req
468. Two slots
for the parent toothbrushesCopy !req
469. and two slots
for their kids?Copy !req
470. - Yep.Copy !req
471. - So the parent toothbrushesCopy !req
472. can be close to
the kid toothbrushes and...Copy !req
473. watch over them and...Copy !req
474. They can
all talk about their...Copy !req
475. toothbrush feelings.Copy !req
476. And they can hold
their little toothbrush handsCopy !req
477. when they're sad?Copy !req
478. Make sure no harm ever comes
to their little bristles?Copy !req
479. - Sure.Copy !req
480. - Oh, um,
do you need Kleenex?Copy !req
481. - Thank you.Copy !req
482. Sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.Copy !req
483. A family pack?Copy !req
484. I don't know
if what I'm going to sayCopy !req
485. is going to hurt or help,Copy !req
486. but screw it.Copy !req
487. Do you know what's really
happening right now?Copy !req
488. You're learning what
it's like to be human.Copy !req
489. All humans are aware
of death.Copy !req
490. So we're all
a little bit sad...Copy !req
491. all the time.Copy !req
492. That's just the deal.Copy !req
493. - Sounds like a crappy deal.Copy !req
494. - Well, yeah.
It is.Copy !req
495. But we don't get offered
any other ones.Copy !req
496. And if you try
and ignore your sadness,Copy !req
497. it just ends up leaking
out of you anyway.Copy !req
498. I've been there.Copy !req
499. And everybody's
been there.Copy !req
500. So don't fight it.Copy !req
501. In the words
of a very wiseCopy !req
502. Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee
I once knew...Copy !req
503. "Go ahead and cry
all you want.Copy !req
504. But you're going to have to pay
for that toilet plunger."Copy !req
505. - I got you something to eat.Copy !req
506. - I'm not hungry.Copy !req
507. I just want to sit
and stare at nothingCopy !req
508. and silently scream
for the rest of time.Copy !req
509. - I might be
way off-base here,Copy !req
510. but you seem
kind of bummed.Copy !req
511. - I really thought I could
throw a better party thanCopy !req
512. a magical, all-powerful being.Copy !req
513. And moreover,
what's this say about me,Copy !req
514. about the life I lived?Copy !req
515. The way they're torturing me
is throughCopy !req
516. event planning mishaps,Copy !req
517. and it works.Copy !req
518. Am I really that shallow?Copy !req
519. - Listen, back in Jacksonville,Copy !req
520. I was in charge of
a 60-person dance group.Copy !req
521. Whenever we auditioned
a new dancer,Copy !req
522. we would rate them
in five categories:Copy !req
523. dancing ability,
coolness,Copy !req
524. dopeness,
freshness,Copy !req
525. and smart-brained.Copy !req
526. I would give you
an eight in every category.Copy !req
527. - Well, eight isn't bad,
I suppose.Copy !req
528. - No, no.
Eight is the best.Copy !req
529. It was a scale of 1-13,Copy !req
530. but eight was highest.Copy !req
531. The scale went up
and then back downCopy !req
532. like a tent.Copy !req
533. - Why?
It's not important.Copy !req
534. - Lately, you've been
really down on yourself.Copy !req
535. But you're the most amazing
person I've ever met...Copy !req
536. besides Michael,Copy !req
537. and he was constantly
torturing usCopy !req
538. so I'd only rank him a ten.Copy !req
539. - Which is worse
than an eight?Copy !req
540. That's so unnecessarily
confusing.Copy !req
541. - The point is:
you're cool,Copy !req
542. dope, fresh, and smart-brained.Copy !req
543. I've never seen you dance,
but I bet you're good.Copy !req
544. 'Cause you're good
at everything.Copy !req
545. You're awesome.Copy !req
546. Be nicer to yourself.Copy !req
547. - Thank you, Jason.Copy !req
548. - "Excellent progress
this week.Copy !req
549. "Tahani devastated
by party mishap.Copy !req
550. "Eleanor continues to be
a selfish monsterCopy !req
551. creating burden for Chidi."Copy !req
552. - "Selfish monster?"Copy !req
553. I brought you back
from the brinkCopy !req
554. of an existential coma,
dude.Copy !req
555. - No, no.
I have to embellish your miseryCopy !req
556. on these fake torture reportsCopy !req
557. so that my boss
doesn't get suspicious.Copy !req
558. But really...Copy !req
559. I am grateful you pulled me
out of my funk.Copy !req
560. - Well, now
that you've become acquaintedCopy !req
561. with existential crises,Copy !req
562. I thought we could read "Death"Copy !req
563. by philosopher Todd May.Copy !req
564. - Sounds like
the perfect beach read.Copy !req
565. Should we wait
for Tahani and Jason?Copy !req
566. Where are those goofballs?Copy !req
567. - So, um...Copy !req
568. we should probably
discuss—Copy !req
569. - That was awesome!Copy !req
570. - It was.Copy !req
571. Surprisingly so.Copy !req
572. But we should
still discuss—Copy !req
573. - Want some breakfast?
I know how to make cereal.Copy !req
574. - Sure, but, Jason, we should—
- Okay, be right back.Copy !req