The Good Place 2x12

1. - So, Michael, you're saying there's

2. a new angle I should consider in this case?

3. Love that. Major drama.

4. Spill the tea, sweetheart.

5. - The premise of our system

6. is that a person's score during her time on Earth

7. is final and inarguable,

8. but because of my accidental experiment,

9. these four humans got better

10. after they died.

11. That's not supposed to be possible.

12. Over and over again, I watched as they became

13. thoughtful and generous and caring.

14. And think about where they started.

15. Uh, Jason, growing up in Jacksonville,

16. what did you do for fun after school every day?

17. - Me and my friends whipped empty spray paint cans

18. at flamingos.

19. - And now he's so much better.

20. - I was already pretty good.

21. When I was six,

22. I hit one right on the button.

23. - Okay, let the immortal beings talk, darling.

24. - So they got better in your little pretend world.

25. That doesn't prove anything

26. about what they were like on Earth.

27. - No, see, I think it does prove something.

28. If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans—

29. the very method we use to deem them good or bad—

30. is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable

31. that hundreds of millions of people

32. have been wrongly condemned

33. to an eternity of torture.

34. - Damn! That was intense!

35. Look at my arm, y'all.

36. Look, I got goosebumps.

37. - Huh, yeah.

38. - Doesn't happen very often.

39. - Wow, so you saw your parents in the test?

40. - Yes.

41. And I immediately fell right back into my old pattern,

42. desperately trying to impress them

43. and earn their admiration.

44. Then I heard this little voice in my head

45. saying, "Tahani, don't do this."

46. - The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady

47. from "Downton Abbey."

48. - Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

49. Anyway, I took a deep breath,

50. told them I ate a Cheeto,

51. and walked away.

52. - Man.

53. You have made so much progress.

54. I'm proud of you, hot stuff.

55. - Whatever progress I have made,

56. it's because you and I have become mates.

57. That's British for "friends."

58. - No, I know.

59. - Man.

60. Think about everything that's happened to us.

61. We died, Michael tortured us,

62. we teamed up with him, we escaped,

63. we went through the Portal, The Judge ruled against us,

64. then Michael showed up.

65. This has been one of the craziest years of my life.

66. - One of?

67. - Yeah, I'm not sure what I would do

68. if one more insane thing happened.

69. - Hi, Jason. I love you.

70. - Oh, word?

71. - Word.

72. I've been avoiding telling you.

73. My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate

74. my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization.

75. This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you,

76. so there it is— I love you.

77. And I hereby stop avoiding this topic

78. and rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.

79. - Or that my brain is grinding

80. like a fork in a garbage disposal.

81. - All right. Whatever.

82. You're not really a part of this, Chidi.

83. - Hey, guess what. I think I love you too, girl.

84. - I'm not a girl.

85. I'm also not just a Janet anymore.

86. I don't know what I am.

87. - Hey, man. What's up?

88. Hot diggity dog.

89. Oh, no!

90. Now the thing I said right after we kissed

91. will always be "hot diggity dog."

92. - Whatever.

93. It was an honest reaction. I stand by it.

94. - Hi, guys. Couple quick announcements.

95. Would anyone eat chips and guac if I put it out?

96. It's good. It's homemade. No takers?

97. A'ight. Second thing:

98. we figured out a plan to save your souls.

99. - For the time being, The Judge is gonna put you

100. in your own medium places,

101. like Mindi St. Clair.

102. And while you're there, I'll keep working

103. every angle I can think of

104. to get you guys into the Good Place, for real.

105. - This is great. So we'd all be together?

106. - Oh, no, that's the thing about Medium Places—

107. it has to be tailored to what's medium for the individuals.

108. So if you're all together, it ain't medium.

109. - How much time will we be alone?

110. - Hard to say. Uh, could be a month.

111. - Could be a million years.

112. - So, between a month and a million years.

113. - Yeah, give or take. - Yeah? Somewhere in there.

114. Come on, you guys, I know this isn't perfect,

115. but I need more time to build my case,

116. and it's either this or back to the Bad Place.

117. - Yeah.

118. - I'll say it.

119. Both those options suck.

120. Okay, I'm sorry if that's blunt, Your Honor,

121. but it's true.

122. Also, Chidi just laid one on me, so I'm kinda dizzy.

123. - You two kissed? Hot diggity dog!

124. - That's what I said!

125. The point is, we've all gotten better.

126. Why should we have to go live alone in a boring void

127. because of a messed-up system?

128. How is that justice? - Okay.

129. Slow your roll there, Erin Brockovich.

130. First of all,

131. y'all didn't get good enough to pass the tests

132. I just gave you.

133. Second, I still believe that the only reason

134. that you improved in Michael's fake neighborhood

135. is because you thought there was a reward

136. at the end of the rainbow.

137. You're supposed to good things

138. because you're good!

139. Not because you're seeking moral desert.

140. - And I still believe

141. that they would've become good people

142. if they'd just gotten a...

143. A push...

144. in the right direction.

145. - Oh, no.

146. Nope, nope. Absolutely not.

147. - It's a little crazy— - A little bit crazy?

148. It's Looney Tunes.

149. - What are they talking about? - No idea.

150. - It sets a very dangerous precedent.

151. - It's only four people.

152. And it's clearly the best way to see if bad people

153. can become good without knowing anything about

154. what's waiting for them in the afterlife.

155. - Shotgun. Whatever they're talking about,

156. if there's a shotgun, I call shotgun.

157. - It's never gonna work, man.

158. - If it doesn't, then they go

159. right back to the Bad Place.

160. - No one gets hurt.

161. Except them, forever.

162. And me, I assume, also. Forever.

163. - Mmm, mmm, mmm...

164. okay, let's do it. - Yes!

165. Ha!

166. - I don't know why. I'm just feeling kinda funky.

167. But there have to be strict rules.

168. Otherwise, the results will be tainted,

169. and I reserve the right to change my mind

170. at any point.

171. - About what?

172. Would someone who's not an eternal being

173. please explain to me what the f—

174. - Why are you like this?

175. - Excuse me? Why am I like this?

176. You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like.

177. Look what you made me do, jagoff.

178. - Look out!

179. - Uh-oh.

180. Holy crap.

181. - She needs to know what was said.

182. - God, Eleanor, take longer next time.

183. - Oh, you look like crap.

184. - I was outside the supermarket arguing with

185. that little environmental twerp...

186. - Ugh, I hate that guy. - Really?

187. That skinny little hippy body kinda turns me on.

188. - Gross. - Guys, listen.

189. I dropped the margarita mix, and when I went to pick it up,

190. a bunch of shopping carts came right at me,

191. and I was just frozen.

192. And then someone pushed me out of the way,

193. and the carts got, like, demolished

194. by a truck.

195. I mean, I could've died.

196. - Oh, my God. - Wow.

197. That's crazy.

198. So is the margarita mix, like, gone?

199. - I had a near death experience recently.

200. You know that old warehouse that burned down last month

201. and, like, four people died?

202. That building is, like, right by my old dentist.

203. If I still went to that dentist

204. and I had an appointment that day,

205. I would've been like...

206. right near there.

207. - I was in Syracuse, New York,

208. like two weeks before 9/11.

209. - No way! - Yeah, 14 days.

210. - I can't believe we all almost died.

211. - My name is Eleanor Shellstrop,

212. and I think I might be a monster.

213. I'm rude, I'm selfish,

214. I cyberbullied Ryan Lochte until he quit Instagram,

215. but something happened to me today,

216. and from now on, I'm gonna try

217. to become a better, kinder,

218. more generous person.

219. - Hey, can I use your credit card?

220. - You know what? Yes, you can.

221. - Cool. It's for porn. I already used it.

222. - Hey. You look happy.

223. You get laid last night? I didn't. Tried. Hard.

224. This chick that I met after I followed her into a yoga class,

225. but she wasn't into it.

226. Maced me. Right in the eyes.

227. Stung like hell.

228. What was I saying?

229. Oh, yeah. Hey.

230. - Listen, dude. What you're doing here—

231. selling fake medicine to people, tricking them—

232. is wrong.

233. - Yeah. And?

234. - I can't be a part of it anymore.

235. I'm trying to become a better person,

236. and as long as I work here—

237. - Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, you quit, who cares?

238. Give me your company ID.

239. Thank you. And your parking pass.

240. And your panties, please. - Dude.

241. - What? Come on. I had to try.

242. By the way, technically, that is not sexual harassment,

243. because she doesn't work here anymore.

244. - You're wearing a wire?

245. - Yeah. Company's being investigated for fraud,

246. so I'm helping the feds bring everyone down.

247. Good timing on your part.

248. - Dude, get help.

249. I'm becoming a better person.

250. You should, too.

251. - Hey, Eleanor, do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower?

252. - Do you want to chew on my ass...

253. sortment of brownies that I will be bringing

254. to Lauren's baby shower?

255. - S-sure.

256. - Hi there, do you have a second to talk about

257. the environment?

258. - Hey. Remember me?

259. - Ah! Don't hurt me. My bones are brittle.

260. I have a calcium deficiency.

261. - No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man.

262. I came to apologize.

263. There. I did it. I apologized.

264. - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did, assface.

265. Nope. You're right. I didn't.

266. I apologize for being mean to you

267. like a thousand times.

268. There's really no excuse.

269. - Thanks.

270. Apology accepted.

271. Uh, what's happening? I'm scared.

272. - Hey, I'm on kinda like a self-improvement kick.

273. Do you think you could help me out,

274. teach me to get all horny for the environment

275. or whatever?

276. - Hey, everyone. This is Eleanor.

277. She's joining the team.

278. - Hi, welcome.

279. - Nice to meet you. Hi.

280. - All right, Eleanor.

281. - Mm, babes, get in on these nachos.

282. They're delish. - Mmm, mm-hmm.

283. - I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.

284. - Ew! Why?

285. - Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals

286. with their cute widdle faces

287. because people stuff them into tiny cages

288. just so that we can eat them?

289. - Yeah. That's exactly why.

290. - Okay, guys, um,

291. can I say something for a second?

292. I love you. - Aww.

293. - I do. I mean, I went through a really rough time

294. last year with the whole Dress Bitch thing

295. and people selling T-shirts with my face on them,

296. but you two stuck by me.

297. I love you, you dumb sluts! - Awww.

298. - Come on.

299. - Okay, there's probably something we should tell you.

300. - Or not. We could also not.

301. - We have to. It's the right thing to do.

302. I tore your dress, and then I lied about it.

303. And then Brittany and I were the ones

304. who made and sold the T-shirts.

305. - But, we did not keep the money.

306. - Yes, we did. We kept all the money.

307. And I'm really sorry.

308. - Okay.

309. That took a lot of courage

310. for you to admit that... - Mm-hmm.

311. - And I admire your honesty.

312. You stupid skank! How could you do that to me?

313. I hate you! You're both disgusting hogs,

314. and I want you to move out of my apartment forever

315. literally starting right now!

316. - I'm still really glad we told the truth.

317. - Cool.

318. - Okay.

319. Steamed vegetable medley

320. and ice water.

321. - Can I just get the check?

322. And can you throw these plants in the trash?

323. - Damn it.

324. - They're suing you?

325. - This chick is claiming she has whiplash.

326. She wasn't in the car when I hit it!

327. - This is on you.

328. You should've pretended like you didn't see it

329. and walked away, like everyone else does.

330. - I know! I've hit your car

331. like six times and never said anything.

332. But I'm trying to be good!

333. How is that working out for you?

334. - It's open, dummy.

335. - Eleanor, where have you been?

336. - Oh, hey, man.

337. Sorry, it's been a crazy month.

338. You know, moving was a hassle,

339. and I'm in the middle of a lawsuit,

340. and I ate vegetables for the first time,

341. and I got diarrhea for, like, a week.

342. - Uh, I know we don't pay a lot,

343. but this is a job,

344. and we need to know we can count on you.

345. We're meeting tonight to discuss long-term strategy

346. for the organization. I really think—

347. - Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

348. Oh, sorry to interrupt whatever

349. boring crap this is,

350. but dude, you need to get dressed.

351. I got tickets to Taylor Splift.

352. The Taylor Swift reggae cover band.

353. They're terrible. It's gonna be amazing.

354. Mmm.

355. - Yeah, that sounds like more fun.

356. I'ma do that. - Eleanor!

357. - What? What, dude?

358. I've been nothing but good for, like, six months,

359. and all I have to show for it is this crummy apartment,

360. a lawsuit, a loose caboose, and an overdrawn bank account.

361. Being good is for suckers.

362. What do you even get out of it?

363. - A feeling of fulfillment in your soul.

364. - Gross.

365. That's the grossest sentence

366. I've ever heard, okay?

367. I quit. Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.

368. - Oof! I still think he's kinda hot.

369. - I guess. In like a sick Victorian boy kind of way.

370. - Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where we, like, feed him soup.

371. - So tell me about the new business.

372. - We sell classes at a for-profit university,

373. and the classes train people how to sell supplements.

374. - So it's a Ponzi scheme within a Ponzi scheme?

375. That sounds kinda dicey. - Oh, it's super dicey.

376. But I'm in witness protection, so technically,

377. I can't be convicted of any crime.

378. - Well, that's definitely not true, but I also don't care.

379. Which one's my desk?

380. - You realize what the problem is, right?

381. - Yes, but there's no way to help.

382. - I'm only giving that guy three stars

383. because he didn't let me stick my head out the moon roof.

384. - Yeah!

385. Dude, my boyfriend just texted.

386. His wife's out of town, so I'm gonna head over there.

387. Mwah! - What? That's lame.

388. Boo! - Happy birthday!

389. - Hello, bartender. One alcohol drink, please.

390. It's my birthday, if you want to give it to me for free.

391. I always say that, but it actually is my birthday.

392. - Hmm. - Last year on my birthday,

393. I almost died,

394. and then I did a bunch of stuff

395. that was good, but weird.

396. And then I stopped.

397. And now I'm here.

398. - Sounds like you had a pretty crazy year.

399. - Hm. - Wanna talk about it?

400. - And in the end, Anthony Anderson

401. and Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company

402. and you see the kangaroo

403. jumping around Australia.

404. That is the plot of the movie "Kangaroo Jack."

405. Why did I tell you that? - It's unclear.

406. - You know the thing is, the problem really,

407. with being a do-gooder?

408. - What's that? - No one cares.

409. I mean, some people care a little bit.

410. The twerpy little twerps from the environmental place,

411. they care, but I was a good person

412. for six months.

413. That's like five years, and it felt okay,

414. but not as good as I thought it would.

415. And what did I get for it?

416. - Ah, see, now you're talking about moral desert.

417. - Exactly.

418. Wait, I am? What?

419. - Moral desert is the concept

420. that if you act with virtue,

421. you deserve a reward.

422. - Right. If I'm not gonna get rewarded somehow,

423. like a tiara or one of those diagonal award belts...

424. - Sash. - Sure.

425. - Then why should I do good things?

426. - You know, I had a friend that said

427. whenever she was doing something bad,

428. she'd hear this— this little voice in her head,

429. distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now.

430. You know this is wrong."

431. And then when she started doing good things,

432. that voice went away.

433. It was a relief.

434. - Your friend sounds like she's

435. one pick short of a... pickle party.

436. - She's a little rough around the edges,

437. but she was also a really good person,

438. when she tried.

439. See, I think that little voice

440. was her conscience,

441. trying to guide her in the right direction.

442. - I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?

443. - The real question, Eleanor,

444. is what do we owe to each other?

445. - What? Did I sell you a drink?

446. Am I a bartender?

447. Drinks are on me.

448. - Ow.

449. - Anybody notice I was gone?

450. - Nope.

451. - What do we owe to each other?

452. That is the question Tim Scanlon asked

453. decades ago,

454. and it is a question I will try to answer

455. over the next three hours.

456. - Ugh. No thanks.

457. - We all have a voice in our head.

458. That voice doesn't tell us what to do or not do,

459. but it does warn us when we do things that don't feel good

460. or right.

461. The difference between... the term "reasonable,"

462. what does it mean

463. to be a reasonable person?

464. I may have a different definition of reasonable—

465. so why do it then?

466. Why choose to be good every day

467. if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on,

468. now or in the afterlife?

469. I argue that we choose to be good

470. because of our bonds with other people

471. and our innate desire to treat them with dignity.

472. Simply put, we are not in this alone.

473. - Hey, dong bait, didn't you get my message?

474. Let's go. Time is booze.

475. - Yeah, no thanks.

476. I'm...

477. going somewhere else.

478. - G'day. Where you headed?

479. - St. John's University, please.

480. - No worries.

481. - Hi. - Oh, I'm sorry.

482. Office hours are on Tuesday.

483. - Oh, I—I'm not a student.

484. Are you Chidi Ana—kendrick?

485. - Anagonye, and yes.

486. - From the long, nerdy video

487. about the little voice that tells you to be good?

488. From the Cassat Foundation lecture series

489. on the practical applications of ethical theory.

490. Yes. - Great.

491. Hi. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

492. Can we talk?

493. - Okay.

494. Here we go.