1. Eleanor, come on in.Copy !req
2. Well, not often you get to confront
your greatest failure face-to-face.Copy !req
3. Good to see you, too, bud.Copy !req
4. I am just dumbfounded
as to how this happened.Copy !req
5. Our system has never
made a mistake before...Copy !req
6. It's just not possible.Copy !req
7. And yet, here we are.Copy !req
8. First things first...Copy !req
9. Who are you?Copy !req
10. Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop,
and some of the info you had was right.Copy !req
11. I mean, "flattened by boner pill truckCopy !req
12. after dropping margarita mix
in grocery store parking lot,"Copy !req
13. that's a very me way to die.Copy !req
14. But all the other info was wrong.Copy !req
15. In my defense, when I first arrived,
and you said,Copy !req
16. "You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead,
and you're in The Good Place."Copy !req
17. I had no reason to think
that was a mistake.Copy !req
18. Location and date of birth, please.Copy !req
19. Phoenix, Arizona, October 14th, 1986.Copy !req
20. So sorry.Copy !req
21. That's what I used to tell people
when I lied about my age.Copy !req
22. I was born in 1982.Copy !req
23. You lied so much,
you forgot your own birthday.Copy !req
24. Not a great start,Copy !req
25. but it should be enough
for Janet to locate your file.Copy !req
26. - Janet?Copy !req
27. - Janet...
- What's that?Copy !req
28. What's that?Copy !req
29. What's this?Copy !req
30. Her memory's still being rebootedCopy !req
31. because, oh, you know,
someone murdered her.Copy !req
32. Janet, could you please locate the file
for an Eleanor Shellstrop, born in...Copy !req
33. - 1982?
- Yes.Copy !req
34. Phoenix, Arizona, USA.Copy !req
35. - Sure.Copy !req
36. Anything else?Copy !req
37. No, Janet, this is actually a cactus.Copy !req
38. This might take a while.Copy !req
39. Whee!Copy !req
40. Since Janet
can't retrieve your file,Copy !req
41. I need to find another wayCopy !req
42. to determine what kind of person you were.Copy !req
43. This is a quick litmus test.Copy !req
44. Handful of questions designed to tellCopy !req
45. whether you were fundamentally
good or bad.Copy !req
46. Question number one.Copy !req
47. Did you ever commit a serious crime,Copy !req
48. such as murder, sexual harassment,
arson, or otherwise?Copy !req
49. No.Copy !req
50. Did you ever have
a vanity license plate,Copy !req
51. like "Mama's BMW"
"Lexus for Liz" or "Boob guy"?Copy !req
52. No.Copy !req
53. Did you ever reheat fish
in an office microwave?Copy !req
54. Ew, no.Copy !req
55. Have you ever paid money to hear
music performed by CaliforniaCopy !req
56. funk rock band
The Red Hot Chili Peppers?Copy !req
57. No.Copy !req
58. Did you ever take off your shoes
and socks on a commercial airline?Copy !req
59. And socks?
Ew, who would do that?Copy !req
60. People who go to The Bad Place,
Eleanor, that's the point.Copy !req
61. And unless I can figure out
a compelling reason to keep you here,Copy !req
62. you will spend eternity with murderers,
and arsonists,Copy !req
63. and people who take off their shoes
and socks on commercial airlines.Copy !req
64. Janet, can I have
a glass of water, please?Copy !req
65. - Here you go.Copy !req
66. Oh, gosh.
You said, "Water?"Copy !req
67. - Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.Copy !req
68. - There you go.Copy !req
69. Ah...Copy !req
70. I really do have sympathy
for your situation.Copy !req
71. I mean, you thought your soul mate
was a good person,Copy !req
72. and then you learned that
she's just an immoral grifter.Copy !req
73. - Tahani, please.
- Am I wrong?Copy !req
74. She lied to everyone.Copy !req
75. She caused a giant sinkhole
into which poor Glenn fell.Copy !req
76. She caused a trash storm.Copy !req
77. She... Well, she pretended to be my friend
when I really needed one.Copy !req
78. And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet.Copy !req
79. As far as I'm concerned,Copy !req
80. the sooner she's gone,
the better off we'll all be.Copy !req
81. I understand that Eleanor
violated our trust,Copy !req
82. but please, when you're talking
to Michael,Copy !req
83. try to think about what she's
had to go through.Copy !req
84. All right. I will, for you.Copy !req
85. But we've been through a lot as well.Copy !req
86. You know, I haven't been this
upset since my good friendCopy !req
87. Taylor was rudely upstaged
by my other friend, Kanye,Copy !req
88. who was defending
my best friend, Beyonce.Copy !req
89. And finally, a multi-part question.Copy !req
90. Did you ever appear on the American
television programCopy !req
91. The Bachelor or its companion shows,
The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise,Copy !req
92. or post on any social media site
that you were emotionally investedCopy !req
93. in any of the relationships
the contestants were pursuing?Copy !req
94. No.Copy !req
95. Okay.Copy !req
96. You did very well on the questionnaire,
Eleanor. So far, so good.Copy !req
97. - Michael, good news.Copy !req
98. I was able to obtain
Eleanor Shellstrop's file.Copy !req
99. Is it actually a cactus?Copy !req
100. I don't understand.Copy !req
101. I want to see the file
for Eleanor Shellstrop.Copy !req
102. Is that what you have,
or do you have a cactus?Copy !req
103. - I have the file.
- You're sure?Copy !req
104. You have the file and not a cactus?Copy !req
105. That is correct.
I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file.Copy !req
106. I do not have a cactus.Copy !req
107. Excellent! Please, give me the file.Copy !req
108. - Here you go.Copy !req
109. Thank you, Janet.Copy !req
110. - You're welcome.Copy !req
111. Well, I say we call it a day.Copy !req
112. I mean, I nailed the questionnaire,
and you're swimming in cacti.Copy !req
113. Can't we just chalk this up to a hilarious
mistake and move on?Copy !req
114. No, we can't, Eleanor.Copy !req
115. There's no such thing
as a mistake in this realm.Copy !req
116. And yet, you are, somehow, a mistake.Copy !req
117. I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach
in the teeth of the universe.Copy !req
118. I need to understand every facet
of this disaster.Copy !req
119. Tell me a lie about yourself.Copy !req
120. Any lie.Copy !req
121. I love the opera.Copy !req
122. And now a truth.Copy !req
123. I love Women's MMA.Copy !req
124. We don't like to use this.Copy !req
125. We've never really had a call for it
before you, but in the interest of time.Copy !req
126. Eleanor, did you murder Janet?Copy !req
127. No, I did not.Copy !req
128. Do you know who did?Copy !req
129. Yes.Copy !req
130. Will you tell me who it was?Copy !req
131. No.Copy !req
132. I assume it was one of your friends,Copy !req
133. and I admire you
for protecting him or her.Copy !req
134. But, Eleanor, in The Good Place,Copy !req
135. there's no room for bad people
or bad actions.Copy !req
136. So anyone involved
in the murder of JanetCopy !req
137. will be reviewed and judged,Copy !req
138. and there will be consequences.Copy !req
139. Tahani, come on in.Copy !req
140. Chidi.Copy !req
141. Impostor who soiled our paradise
with her moral turpitude.Copy !req
142. 'Sup?Copy !req
143. Thank you for confessing, I don't know
what I would have done if you hadn't—Copy !req
144. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm amazing.
Bad news.Copy !req
145. Michael knows I didn't kill Janet,Copy !req
146. which means it's only a matter of time
before he finds out that you didCopy !req
147. and that you did it because you were
trying to stop Bonehead Jones over here.Copy !req
148. Hey, homies!Copy !req
149. Then he'll figure out that Jianyu's also
a phony, and, here's the real dong-buster,Copy !req
150. Michael said anybody who did anything bad
might have to go...Copy !req
151. Oh...Copy !req
152. Which means Jianyu's gone,
you might be gone,Copy !req
153. and all three of us are royally
forking forked!Copy !req
154. This is terrible.
What am I supposed to do if he asks me?Copy !req
155. I don't know. Kant would say that lying
in any scenario is wrong,Copy !req
156. so if Michael asks you if you killed
Janet, you should say yes.Copy !req
157. On the other hand,
snitches do get stitches.Copy !req
158. That is true. I read that once
on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.Copy !req
159. You just casually cited Immanuel Kant.Copy !req
160. Yeah, I know we're
in a miserable bind here,Copy !req
161. but this might be the proudest
day of my life.Copy !req
162. No offense, but that's
a real bummer of a life.Copy !req
163. Tahani, I'll get right
to the crux of the matter.Copy !req
164. Did you murder Janet?Copy !req
165. Absolutely not.Copy !req
166. Now, you spent a lot
of time with Eleanor.Copy !req
167. Why do you think that is?Copy !req
168. Well, people are just drawn to me.Copy !req
169. You know, one of my shyest friends,
I won't say his name,Copy !req
170. to preserve his privacy,
but he found my presence so comfortingCopy !req
171. that he asked me to co-host his TV show
Anderson Cooper 360.Copy !req
172. Given what you learned about Eleanor,
do you think she deserves to be here?Copy !req
173. Well...Copy !req
174. You know, if it were up to me,
I might find a way to look past her, um...Copy !req
175. Deficiencies.Copy !req
176. But it's not up to me, is it?Copy !req
177. There are some criteria
that she unfortunatelyCopy !req
178. just didn't meet in her time on Earth.Copy !req
179. So you think that I should
send her to The Bad Place?Copy !req
180. Well, I didn't say that,Copy !req
181. but is her staying here unfair
to those who earned their place?Copy !req
182. It sounds like you want her to leave.Copy !req
183. Well, is it not she who wants
us to leave her?Copy !req
184. Thank you, Tahani.
You've been a big help.Copy !req
185. Listen up, genius.Copy !req
186. He's gonna call you in there in a second.Copy !req
187. Don't worry, I got you.
I'll just tell MichaelCopy !req
188. you're the bomb and that you got
a dope soul and hella ethics.Copy !req
189. Oh, boy.
No, don't say any of that.Copy !req
190. Michael has a lie detector in there.
It's a glowing cube.Copy !req
191. Like the AllSpark?
From Transformers?Copy !req
192. Sure, just like the
AllSpark from Transformers,Copy !req
193. and he'll know instantly
if you're lying about anythingCopy !req
194. so only smiles and nods, got it?Copy !req
195. Wise, sage, centered Jianyu.Copy !req
196. I seek your wisdom
in this moment of crisis.Copy !req
197. What to do with Eleanor?Copy !req
198. Should I let her stay?
Should I send her away?Copy !req
199. You think I should send her away?Copy !req
200. No, I should let her stay?Copy !req
201. Or no, I shouldn't let her stay
because she doesn't belong here?Copy !req
202. Or no, I shouldn't let her stay
even though she does belong here?Copy !req
203. Oh, Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom.Copy !req
204. Your devotion to the noble truths
has given you somethingCopy !req
205. that I don't have, clarity.Copy !req
206. It was Buddha who said,Copy !req
207. "If a man lives a pure life.Copy !req
208. "Nothing can destroy him."Copy !req
209. I'm not a man, and I've lived no life,Copy !req
210. so will this destroy me?Copy !req
211. Ouch!Copy !req
212. Oh, of course.Copy !req
213. A cactus on its own intends no harm.Copy !req
214. It's only when we interfere
that it becomes dangerous.Copy !req
215. I need to remember my own agency here.
Oh, thank you, Jianyu.Copy !req
216. You're free to go.Copy !req
217. Oh, yes, of course. Help yourself.
I've got plenty of those.Copy !req
218. Chidi, come on in.Copy !req
219. - Hi, there. I have Eleanor's file.Copy !req
220. Janet, if you hand me a cactus,Copy !req
221. - I swear I will lose my mind.Copy !req
222. Oh, yes!Copy !req
223. All right, here we go.
Eleanor, come back in.Copy !req
224. Chidi, you stay here.Copy !req
225. This file contains a compendiumCopy !req
226. of all of the highest impact events
from your life.Copy !req
227. That's the biggest positive
and negative point swings.Copy !req
228. So "Little Julie," who's that?Copy !req
229. Julie is my cousin's daughter.Copy !req
230. Her mom is kind of a mess,
so I used to take herCopy !req
231. to the mall sometimes
and bought her churro dogs.Copy !req
232. It's a hot dog,
but the bun is two churros.Copy !req
233. And it's tied together with a Slim Jim.Copy !req
234. It's an Arizona delicacy.Copy !req
235. Oh, sounds awful, but it's very nice
that you made that girl happy.Copy !req
236. So what's this "Kool Threadz,Copy !req
237. "Glendale, Arizona's
Premiere T-Shirt Emporium"?Copy !req
238. Uh... Can we skip around and circle back?Copy !req
239. How about I tell you more
about those churro dogs?Copy !req
240. They came with unlimited ranch dressing.Copy !req
241. Let's hear about the t-shirts, please.Copy !req
242. Okay.Copy !req
243. I'll tell you,
but it doesn't make me look great,Copy !req
244. so don't judge me.Copy !req
245. That's literally the purpose
of this entire exercise.Copy !req
246. Okay, to understand this,Copy !req
247. you have to know
about my roommate, Madison.Copy !req
248. She was terrible.Copy !req
249. Hey, Mads.Copy !req
250. Um, I have to go to this
stupid work party tonight.Copy !req
251. Can I borrow your peach dress?Copy !req
252. Ooh, that's a hard no, babe.Copy !req
253. That dress is like twice your salary.Copy !req
254. All right, I gotta go to the DMV
and pick up my vanity plates.Copy !req
255. Ciao, bitches.Copy !req
256. Well, that's not great,Copy !req
257. but I assume you confessed
and paid to fix it.Copy !req
258. Not exactly.Copy !req
259. Hey, losers, I'm going out.
Can you zip me?Copy !req
260. Dude, that dress is hella ripped.Copy !req
261. - What?Copy !req
262. Oh, that stupid dry cleaner!Copy !req
263. Well, that's the risk you take
when you keep your clothes clean.Copy !req
264. My mom's a lawyer.
Those asswipes are gonna pay.Copy !req
265. She sued for $900 for the dress
and $80,000,000 in emotional distress.Copy !req
266. The legal fees drove the dry cleaner
out of business.Copy !req
267. Oh, boy.Copy !req
268. Wait, this story's about t-shirts.Copy !req
269. There's more, isn't there?Copy !req
270. A little.Copy !req
271. Check this out.Copy !req
272. Somebody put the dry cleaners'
story online, and it went viral.Copy !req
273. Madison's famous.Copy !req
274. The "Dress Bitch"? Yikes.Copy !req
275. Serves her right.Copy !req
276. Madison is psycho.
She totally overreacted.Copy !req
277. This is her fault.Copy !req
278. Yeah, her fault. That works.Copy !req
279. You guys, what is happening?Copy !req
280. Someone egged my Lexus,Copy !req
281. and I have like 40,000 tweets
calling me the "Dress Bitch"?Copy !req
282. Over a loser dry cleaner man?Copy !req
283. Why is everyone so jealous of me?
This is a trash city, full of idiots.Copy !req
284. - The "Dress Bitch" is so catchy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
285. I mean, someone could
totally make t-shirts.Copy !req
286. Oh...Copy !req
287. No, no. No. No.Copy !req
288. Do not tell me that you made
t-shirts that said...Copy !req
289. That and then sold them for a profit?Copy !req
290. Wish I could tell you that, bud.
I really do.Copy !req
291. Girl, check it out!
They're here.Copy !req
292. Wait a second. Is this insane?
I mean, should we be doing this?Copy !req
293. Dude, Madison brought
this on herself, okay?Copy !req
294. She's a nightmare of a person
to everybody.Copy !req
295. Plus, we already have
a ton of pre-orders.Copy !req
296. Here is your first cut of the profits.Copy !req
297. Holy mama!Copy !req
298. I can't believe you sold the t-shirts.Copy !req
299. Does it help if they basically
sold themselves?Copy !req
300. I think you know it does not.Copy !req
301. What did you do with the money?Copy !req
302. Yeah. I was hoping
you wouldn't ask me that.Copy !req
303. Thanks, babe.Copy !req
304. Next question.Copy !req
305. Eleanor.Copy !req
306. Given what you know about the people
who've been brought here,Copy !req
307. the lives they've led,Copy !req
308. do you think you belong in The Good Place?Copy !req
309. No, I don't.Copy !req
310. Yello, Bad Place.
What's up, dummy?Copy !req
311. This is Michael, the architect from
Good Place Neighborhood 12358W.Copy !req
312. I'm guessing you've been looking
for someone called Eleanor Shellstrop.Copy !req
313. She's here. Come and get her.Copy !req
314. What is this?Copy !req
315. What is that smell? Ew.Copy !req
316. Get out of here!Copy !req
317. Hello, Trevor.Copy !req
318. Hey, there he is.
Good to see you again, Mikey.Copy !req
319. Hey, think fast,
I brought you something.Copy !req
320. Oh, nuts, thank you. Oh!Copy !req
321. Oh, flaming snake ate
all the nuts you brought me.Copy !req
322. Argh. You're too nice to humiliate.Copy !req
323. Oh, hello.Copy !req
324. Hi, you look like a piece of crap,
are, are you Eleanor?Copy !req
325. Dude, you're like
a legend in The Bad Place.Copy !req
326. You're... Check this out.Copy !req
327. - Huh?
"Dress Bitch"!Copy !req
328. It's pretty great, right?Copy !req
329. Trevor...Copy !req
330. Do you know what caused this mistake?
'Cause I cannot figure it out.Copy !req
331. No, we're stumped, but,
don't sweat it, champ.Copy !req
332. She's definitely one of ours.Copy !req
333. So we'll just roll on out,
and you can get back to,Copy !req
334. putting rainbows up your butt
or whatever you do here. Okay?Copy !req
335. Let's hit it, sweetheart.
We got a long ride.Copy !req
336. What? Right now?Copy !req
337. Trevor, for decency's sake,
let her have some good-byes.Copy !req
338. God, good people are the worst.Copy !req
339. Okay, uh, 30 minutes.
We gotta get back for The Bachelor.Copy !req
340. I'm gonna be pissed
if I miss the Rose Ceremony.Copy !req
341. I just want to say,
once more, for the record,Copy !req
342. that this whole good/bad system
is bull-shirt.Copy !req
343. There should be a medium place
for people like meCopy !req
344. who kind of sucked,
but in, like, a fun, chill way.Copy !req
345. I agree.Copy !req
346. I'm sorry I dragged you into this.Copy !req
347. And that I never did laundry.Copy !req
348. And that I waited until you wereCopy !req
349. about to do yours
then secretly tossed mineCopy !req
350. into the basket
to trick you into doing it.Copy !req
351. You didn't trick me.
I repeatedly asked you to stop.Copy !req
352. Just know you did everything
you could to help me.Copy !req
353. You're a really good fake soul mate.Copy !req
354. What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
355. Well, we only thought
it was only proper to see you off.Copy !req
356. It's the neighborly thing to do.Copy !req
357. You guys came to say good-bye
because you're my friends.Copy !req
358. Well, I... Suppose some part of meCopy !req
359. possibly has a sense
of casual kinship with you.Copy !req
360. Much as one might be fond of a street cat.Copy !req
361. Thanks, Tahani.Copy !req
362. Sorry about everything.Copy !req
363. I'm really glad we're friends.Copy !req
364. Oh, hey, dum-dum.
You ready to go?Copy !req
365. Oh, you must be Chidi.Copy !req
366. Trying to improve her.
Bold plan, bro.Copy !req
367. Well, actually, she learned a great dealCopy !req
368. - in a very short amount of time—
- Oh, really? Really?Copy !req
369. I don't care.
All right, let's hit it.Copy !req
370. Oh, also, you should smile more.
You have such a pretty smile.Copy !req
371. Love you, babe.
Can't wait to torture you.Copy !req
372. This is the 3:18 to The Bad Place,Copy !req
373. making thousands of stops
for literally no reason.Copy !req
374. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here,
and it will get one degree hotterCopy !req
375. every time you think
about how hot it is.Copy !req
376. Oops!Copy !req
377. You just thought about it.Copy !req
378. - Michael...
- Oh, hi, Chidi.Copy !req
379. Want some pizza?Copy !req
380. Bad Place crew delivered 100
of these to my office.Copy !req
381. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.Copy !req
382. Michael, I murdered Janet.Copy !req
383. I knew about Eleanor from the beginning.Copy !req
384. I've been trying to help her
become a better person,Copy !req
385. and when she found out
that your retirement meantCopy !req
386. that you would be tortured,
she immediately triedCopy !req
387. to find a way to prevent it.
Eleanor is learning.Copy !req
388. She's just doing it after she died.Copy !req
389. I did enjoy her company.Copy !req
390. But, this is not Little League.Copy !req
391. There is no award
for "Most Improved Player," Chidi.Copy !req
392. Well, maybe there should be.Copy !req
393. One final note, the dining car
is at the very back of the train.Copy !req
394. It serves only room-temperature
Manhattan clam chowder,Copy !req
395. and also, it's closed.Copy !req
396. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
397. Dude, what the fork?Copy !req
398. You're not leaving. Not with her.Copy !req
399. Not yet. Come on.Copy !req
400. Wait, you want to keep her?Copy !req
401. Bro, that's our girl.
We agreed on this.Copy !req
402. No, what we agreed on was
that this was a mistake.Copy !req
403. Trevor, we're in unchartered
territory here.Copy !req
404. Until we can sort this out,
she stays with us.Copy !req
405. All right, fine,
but until this is resolved,Copy !req
406. we're keeping the other Eleanor.Copy !req
407. Fine. What? I'm sorry...Copy !req
408. - The other Eleanor?
- Yeah, the real Eleanor.Copy !req
409. The one that was supposed to be hereCopy !req
410. but got sent down to us instead?
She's on the train.Copy !req
411. Eleanor, come on out.Copy !req
412. Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.Copy !req