1. There's no escaping it.Copy !req
2. The problem...Copy !req
3. Is me.Copy !req
4. And now...Copy !req
5. I have to leave you... Forever.Copy !req
6. Michael, you can't be the problem.Copy !req
7. Oh, but I am.Copy !req
8. You see, architects aren't
supposed to liveCopy !req
9. in the neighborhoods they design,Copy !req
10. but I love humans, so I wanted to try.Copy !req
11. I see now that was a mistake.Copy !req
12. My meddling is the one true constant
in all of our disasters.Copy !req
13. I tried to force Jianyu into opening up,
which caused a sinkhole to open up.Copy !req
14. I kicked a puppy into the sun,
and garbage rained down.Copy !req
15. I grossly underestimated
the number of shrimp neededCopy !req
16. for the opening-night party,Copy !req
17. and what flew through the sky
the next day,Copy !req
18. taunting me for my failures?Copy !req
19. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm truly sorry.Copy !req
20. - Janet?Copy !req
21. Please call a train to escort
me into retirement.Copy !req
22. You see, the only way
in and out of a neighborhood is by train,Copy !req
23. and Janet is the only one
who can operate them.Copy !req
24. Oh, my dear Janet.Copy !req
25. - Will you be okay after I leave?
- Yes.Copy !req
26. This will not affect me in any way.Copy !req
27. Jeez, show some compassion.Copy !req
28. Well, I can't feel sad,Copy !req
29. but here's my best approximation
of human crying.Copy !req
30. - Oh, Janet, that was beautiful.
- Yeah.Copy !req
31. What did you say to him?
Did you make him do this somehow?Copy !req
32. Nope, this was entirely his idea.Copy !req
33. Dude, this is good news.Copy !req
34. Michael's gonna get a chill retirement,
which, frankly, he desperately needs,Copy !req
35. and I can finally relax.Copy !req
36. It's forking perfect.Copy !req
37. No, it's terrible. Michael's wrong.
He's not the problem.Copy !req
38. Well, Michael did bring me here,Copy !req
39. which was the mistake that led
to all the other problems.Copy !req
40. So, in that sense, he is the real problem.Copy !req
41. Ha! How do you like them ethics?
I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!Copy !req
42. It doesn't change the fact
that we weren't truthful.Copy !req
43. There's an old Chinese proverb...Copy !req
44. "Lies are like tigers. They are bad."Copy !req
45. - That's it?
- It's more poetic in Mandarin.Copy !req
46. Look, Michael is retiring.Copy !req
47. He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere,
smoking moonbeam cigars.Copy !req
48. Now, Tahani is throwing him
a good-bye party.Copy !req
49. Let's go help out.Copy !req
50. Sure, that will more than make up
for the pain and misery and lying.Copy !req
51. Yes, now you're getting it.Copy !req
52. Hey, Chidi, just read your article
on logical positivism... So dry.Copy !req
53. Oh, thanks, Henry.Copy !req
54. Whoa! New boots.Copy !req
55. Oh, yeah, just got 'em.Copy !req
56. Saw them in the store,
and I was just like, "Whoa!"Copy !req
57. - Tell the truth... Do you like 'em?Copy !req
58. Oh...Copy !req
59. - Oh, yeah.
- Not too red?Copy !req
60. - No.
- Crystals aren't too much?Copy !req
61. Crystals are not too much.Copy !req
62. Oh, well, that makes me feel much better
'cause I was really going back and forthCopy !req
63. over whether they were worth the money.
They were super expensive.Copy !req
64. Yeah, well, they're, uh, amazing.Copy !req
65. Those are the coolest boots
I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
66. Thanks so much, buddy.Copy !req
67. Right. Bye.Copy !req
68. My God...Copy !req
69. What have I done?Copy !req
70. Tonight needs to be the perfect blend
of celebratory, reverential,Copy !req
71. bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless.Copy !req
72. This is #TahaniTime.Copy !req
73. What is all this?Copy !req
74. Oh, no, Michael,Copy !req
75. you're not supposed to see it
till it's all set up.Copy !req
76. But, well...
Welcome to your retirement party.Copy !req
77. - Hm.
- Look, over there, I've even set upCopy !req
78. a buffet of themed desserts,
like retire-mint chocolate cake...Copy !req
79. - Ah.
- Or a, flan-voyage.Copy !req
80. Oh, boy.Copy !req
81. Oh, and here we have a piñata
shaped like you, which is always fun.Copy !req
82. By the way, uh, what's
you're favorite color for the tablecloths?Copy !req
83. Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes.Copy !req
84. It's called pleurigloss.Copy !req
85. Could you describe it?Copy !req
86. It's the color of...Copy !req
87. When a soldier comes home from war
and sees his dog for the first time.Copy !req
88. Hmm. How about blue?Copy !req
89. Tahani, I'm so sorry.
We need to cancel this party immediately.Copy !req
90. But why?Copy !req
91. For a being like me, retirement...
Is not something fun.Copy !req
92. What is "retirement" for you exactly?Copy !req
93. Well, I wasn't gonna share
this so as not to upset you,Copy !req
94. but it's, a...
An extreme form of punishment.Copy !req
95. We call it, "The Eternal Shriek."Copy !req
96. My soul will be disintegrated,
and each molecule will be placedCopy !req
97. on the surface of a different burning sun.Copy !req
98. And then my essence
will be scooped out of my bodyCopy !req
99. with a flaming ladle
and poured over hot diamonds.Copy !req
100. - Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.
- They're not...Copy !req
101. - And then what's left of my bodyCopy !req
102. will be endlessly beaten
with a titanium rod, like a...Copy !req
103. - Like a piñata.Copy !req
104. Yes, except you have
the string around my waist,Copy !req
105. but instead it will definitely
be around my genitals.Copy !req
106. - What?
- Oh, Michael, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
107. - Mm.
- I was just trying to honor you.Copy !req
108. Please, allow me to re-conceive the event.Copy !req
109. Of course.Copy !req
110. All right, everyone, we're starting over.Copy !req
111. The key word for tonight
is just, "Somber."Copy !req
112. Jianyu, my love, we're gonna
have to get ridCopy !req
113. of all of the party poppers immediately.
No, not by using them.Copy !req
114. No, Jianyu. Done.Copy !req
115. He's gonna be tortured?Copy !req
116. Dang it. I was almost handed
a perfect solutionCopy !req
117. to all my problems without
having to work for it at all,Copy !req
118. and now it's gone.Copy !req
119. Why do bad things
always happen to mediocre peopleCopy !req
120. who are lying about their identities?Copy !req
121. Okay, you have two options.Copy !req
122. You can confess and save Michael,
or you can continue to lieCopy !req
123. and condemn him to an eternity
of unimaginable pain.Copy !req
124. Or option C...Copy !req
125. Continue to lie about myself
and find a way to save Michael.Copy !req
126. Can we somehow throw Tahani under the bus?Copy !req
127. That would be a classic
"two birds with one stone" scenario.Copy !req
128. Plus, I'd get her house. Three birds.Copy !req
129. No, there's no way to stop
this except confessing.Copy !req
130. Any moment now, Michael is going
to get on that train,Copy !req
131. and we will never see him again,
just like Professor LindemanCopy !req
132. after I asked him to reread
my 3,600-page manuscript.Copy !req
133. He said he was going out for cigarettes,Copy !req
134. but then he just left his tenured position
at the Sorbonne.Copy !req
135. Great story. Janet?Copy !req
136. - Hi, there.Copy !req
137. Hi. So the only way
out of the neighborhood is a train?Copy !req
138. That's correct. I am the only oneCopy !req
139. who can call the train,
and it needs me to operate.Copy !req
140. Choo-choo!Copy !req
141. One more question, and, um,
this is a little weird, but can we,Copy !req
142. uh, shut you down?Copy !req
143. Yes, great question.Copy !req
144. There is a kill switch
in a remote sector of the neighborhoodCopy !req
145. in the event that I malfunction
and attempt to harm the residents.Copy !req
146. If you press it, I will be destroyed.Copy !req
147. - Anything else?
- No, that's good, thanks.Copy !req
148. Okay.
- Whoa. You want to kill Janet?Copy !req
149. Michael can't retire if he can't leave.Copy !req
150. He can't leave if there's no Janet
to run the train.Copy !req
151. It's a perfect solution.Copy !req
152. Janet, high five, please?Copy !req
153. - Thanks, babe.Copy !req
154. You cannot kill Janet.Copy !req
155. Killing is one of the most famous
moral no-nos.Copy !req
156. Janet is a non-human object...Copy !req
157. - Who was sent here to help us,Copy !req
158. and the way she can help us
is if we kill her.Copy !req
159. We're doing one small murder-y thing
for a bigger, better reason.Copy !req
160. - The ends justify the means.
- Do you know who said that?Copy !req
161. Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?Copy !req
162. It was Machiavelli...Copy !req
163. - A very non-Oprah-like figure.Copy !req
164. And what happens after we kill her?Copy !req
165. We'll have to lie to everyone
about what we did,Copy !req
166. and lying is always wrong.Copy !req
167. Why? Why wouldCopy !req
168. - I tell Henry that I liked his boots?Copy !req
169. I don't like his boots. I hate his boots.Copy !req
170. Yes, I know. You've talked about it
for the last two days.Copy !req
171. I lied to him.
You wrote your thesis on Kant.Copy !req
172. He believed that lying
is always morally wrong...Copy !req
173. No exceptions.Copy !req
174. Yes, well, Kant was a lonely,
obsessive hermit with zero friends.Copy !req
175. Sometimes we do thing just to be polite,Copy !req
176. but if you really feel that strongly
about it, tell him the truth.Copy !req
177. Also, I don't care,
'cause it's the middle of the night.Copy !req
178. This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.Copy !req
179. They do?Copy !req
180. Hey, Chidi.Copy !req
181. - You sit in on my class today?
Uh, I did, yeah.Copy !req
182. Great lecture, by the way... So bleak.Copy !req
183. Thanks, bud.Copy !req
184. It's actually perfect that you are here.
I got something for you.Copy !req
185. Oh, my God.Copy !req
186. You loved mine so much,
I decided to get you your own pair.Copy !req
187. We can be boot brothers.Copy !req
188. Wow. I can't accept these.
They're too expensive.Copy !req
189. Sure you can. Try 'em on, mate.
The fact that you liked mine so muchCopy !req
190. really made me feel like I made
the right choice to buy them.Copy !req
191. After all, why should I have
all the fun and boots?Copy !req
192. - Eh?
- I don't... I don't know.Copy !req
193. Those look great.Copy !req
194. Take 'em for a spin.Copy !req
195. - Uh...
- You're flying.Copy !req
196. Mmm! Thanks.Copy !req
197. Speeches!
Time for speeches, everyone.Copy !req
198. Michael...Copy !req
199. - Huh.
- As someone who didn't exactly haveCopy !req
200. the steadiest parental guidance,Copy !req
201. I just want to thank you.
You were always there for us.Copy !req
202. I shouldn't have been. I was the problem.Copy !req
203. Yes, but...Copy !req
204. It was also great when you weren't there.Copy !req
205. Don't worry. Soon I won't be... Forever.Copy !req
206. Because of The Eternal Shriek!Copy !req
207. Yes, thank you, Glenn.Copy !req
208. Look,
what I'm trying to say is this.Copy !req
209. Michael, you always kept us warm and safe
like a bright, glowing sun.Copy !req
210. Like the one I kicked the dog intoCopy !req
211. or the one I'm going to be burned
on the surface of for eternity?Copy !req
212. Okay, no more speeches. Speeches are over.Copy !req
213. Michael's going to talk now.Copy !req
214. I'm sorry I was so grumpy.Copy !req
215. It's just I'm sad that I have to leaveCopy !req
216. before doing all the human things
that I wanted to do.Copy !req
217. I wanted to get my hair wet.Copy !req
218. You know...
I wanted to pull a hamstring.Copy !req
219. To learn the difference
between "toward" and "towards."Copy !req
220. I wanted to do that thing
where you walk down the hallway,Copy !req
221. and someone else is walking the other way,Copy !req
222. and then you both lean to one side
and then the other,Copy !req
223. and then you both chuckle
over your shared foible.Copy !req
224. - I wanted to get a rewards card,Copy !req
225. any rewards card.Copy !req
226. I wanted to talk briefly
to someone and then say,Copy !req
227. "Take it sleazy."Copy !req
228. I wanted to eat a saltine.Copy !req
229. Oh! I actually have some saltines.Copy !req
230. Here, try this.Copy !req
231. Pretty dry...Copy !req
232. And too salty.Copy !req
233. Well, going out on a real low note here.
Okay, bye, everyone.Copy !req
234. Well, take it sleazy.Copy !req
235. You got to say it?Copy !req
236. Yes, but then you say it back.Copy !req
237. No, it's not organic.Copy !req
238. Uh, Janet, how many Janets
have there been?Copy !req
239. There have been 25 generations of Janet.Copy !req
240. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom
and social abilities.Copy !req
241. Fun fact... The first Janet
had a click wheel.Copy !req
242. So it's like aging for a human?
You're... You're growing up?Copy !req
243. That's how I like to think of it, Chidi.Copy !req
244. I can't eat, so every time
there's a new version of Janet,Copy !req
245. I like to take a piece of birthday cake
and smash it around where my mouth is.Copy !req
246. Look, Janet has... Has learned and grown.Copy !req
247. She's essentially living a life.
We can't kill her.Copy !req
248. Not with that attitude, we can't.Copy !req
249. Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead,
we all died, and now we're killing her.Copy !req
250. Pay it forward.Copy !req
251. No, that's not
what that means at all. Eleanor?Copy !req
252. Here we are.Copy !req
253. Just press that button,
and it's good-bye, Janet.Copy !req
254. Uh...Copy !req
255. Chidi, I can see that you're worried,
and I just want to assure you,Copy !req
256. I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.Copy !req
257. Ah. Thank you. That helps.Copy !req
258. However, I should warn you...Copy !req
259. I am programmed with a fail-safe measure.Copy !req
260. As you approach the kill switch,
I will begin to beg for my life.Copy !req
261. It's just there in case
of an accidental shut down,Copy !req
262. but it will seem very real.Copy !req
263. Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?Copy !req
264. Oh, I think I have to.Copy !req
265. Um, being a bystander
seems worse, somehow.Copy !req
266. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
267. Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please!
Please, please, please don't hurt me.Copy !req
268. - I don't want to die! Please, please...Copy !req
269. Again, I am not human. I can't die.Copy !req
270. I am simply an anthropomorphized
vessel of knowledgeCopy !req
271. built to make your life easier.Copy !req
272. Your pleading seems so real.Copy !req
273. Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.Copy !req
274. You want a robot killed right,
you have to do it yourself.Copy !req
275. Eleanor? Eleanor, no, no, no.Copy !req
276. Please, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Eleanor, I have kids.Copy !req
277. I have three beautiful children...Copy !req
278. Tyler, Emma, and little,
tiny baby Phillip.Copy !req
279. Look at Tyler. Tyler has asthma,
but he is battling it like a champ.Copy !req
280. Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them.Copy !req
281. Look at them! Look at them!Copy !req
282. It's so realistic!
- Eleanor, again, I'm not human.Copy !req
283. This is a stock photo of the crowd
at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.Copy !req
284. That's right, it's not real.Copy !req
285. - Let's just do this.
Right.Copy !req
286. Please, I have so much to live for.
No, no, no. Please.Copy !req
287. We're not even near the...Copy !req
288. Hey, guys, what's going on?
That party was lame, so I bailed.Copy !req
289. Then I saw you, so I followed you here.Copy !req
290. - Oh, look, a button.
- No, no, no!Copy !req
291. Jianyu, no!Copy !req
292. Oh, man, I wanted to push that button.Copy !req
293. Not cool, dude.Copy !req
294. Whoa. What happened to Janet?Copy !req
295. She's dead. I killed her.Copy !req
296. Not killed. Remember,Copy !req
297. Janet was not a living being,
so she can't be killed.Copy !req
298. Attention... I have been murdered.Copy !req
299. Attention... I have been murdered.Copy !req
300. Attention... I have been murdered.Copy !req
301. Attention... I have been murdered.Copy !req
302. Attention...Copy !req
303. What do we do, Eleanor?Copy !req
304. What do we do?
Chidi, you just murdered Janet.Copy !req
305. We have to flee your crime scene.Copy !req
306. Run!Copy !req
307. I have been murdered.Copy !req
308. - Sorry, Janet!
- I have been murdered.Copy !req
309. Attention... I have...Copy !req
310. Attention...Copy !req
311. I have been murdered.Copy !req
312. Okay, dude, crash course
in getting away with bad stuff.Copy !req
313. You have to act calm and cool
like you don't have a care in the world.Copy !req
314. - Okay?Copy !req
315. Great.Copy !req
316. Oh, wow. Look, it's Weekend at Bernie's,
'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses.Copy !req
317. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?Copy !req
318. I've never been more stressed
out in my entire life.Copy !req
319. Um, I know what you need.Copy !req
320. Janet, can you get Chidi some weed?Copy !req
321. Oh, that's right. You killed Janet.Copy !req
322. Well, Janet's been murdered.Copy !req
323. That's a nice capper
to this wonderful day.Copy !req
324. I don't really know what happens nowCopy !req
325. because...
Janet has never been murdered before...Copy !req
326. Only today, here on my watch,Copy !req
327. while I was distracted with a party
that Tahani was throwing for me,Copy !req
328. which I didn't want.Copy !req
329. Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.Copy !req
330. I'm not. I'm blaming you.Copy !req
331. Anyway, what is there to say
about Janet that hasn't already been saidCopy !req
332. by the giant Janet alarm in the sky?Copy !req
333. "I've been murdered!"Copy !req
334. I think that says it all.Copy !req
335. - Hello.Copy !req
336. Janet, you're alive!Copy !req
337. Hello, Architect,
please enter your four-digit pin.Copy !req
338. Uh, what is it? Uh, what is it?Copy !req
339. What is it? Oh, right, right, right!Copy !req
340. It's my, uh, birth year.Copy !req
341. - Uh...Copy !req
342. I got to change that.
That's too easy to guess.Copy !req
343. Janet... Who murdered you?Copy !req
344. - Oh. Oh, no.
Okay.Copy !req
345. - Hello.
- Yes, hello.Copy !req
346. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
347. Uh, her memory
must have been wiped clean...Copy !req
348. - So now she's gonna haveCopy !req
349. to re-upload all the knowledge
in the universe,Copy !req
350. which will only take a few days. Okay...Copy !req
351. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
352. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
353. Everyone, um, until I get
to the bottom of this,Copy !req
354. my retirement is officially postponed.Copy !req
355. - Woo!Copy !req
356. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
357. You got to admit... I kind of nailed it.Copy !req
358. All we have to do now is keep
the secret forever.Copy !req
359. J-Dog, you cool?Copy !req
360. No, by the time I got to the piñata,
all the candy was gone.Copy !req
361. He's not gonna tell anyone.Copy !req
362. Chidi? Cheedster?
What's, uh, happening, buddy?Copy !req
363. You have a crazy look in your eye,
and you're retreating into your shirt.Copy !req
364. You're kind of turtling.Copy !req
365. Henry, are you all right? What happened?Copy !req
366. I have an aneurysm.
Requires emergency surgery.Copy !req
367. Doctors' give me a 50/50 chance.Copy !req
368. So, if there's anything you need
to say to me,Copy !req
369. you should do it now.Copy !req
370. Oh, well...Copy !req
371. Actually, um...Copy !req
372. They let you wear your boots in here?Copy !req
373. They're the only things
that bring me comfort.Copy !req
374. What did you want to say to me?Copy !req
375. Oh, uh...Copy !req
376. Just that I'm here and I love you, man.Copy !req
377. I love you, too, boot brother.Copy !req
378. Oh... Okay.Copy !req
379. Chidi!Copy !req
380. You didn't have to stay here all night.Copy !req
381. So surgery went well? All clear?Copy !req
382. Right as rain, buddy.Copy !req
383. That is so, so, so great.Copy !req
384. - I hate your boots.
- What?Copy !req
385. I told you that I loved
your boots three years ago,Copy !req
386. and I was lying,
and that lie has haunted me ever since,Copy !req
387. and people tried to tell me it was fine...Copy !req
388. Just a nice, little white lie
in the form of social niceties...Copy !req
389. But I disagreed, and then yesterdayCopy !req
390. I thought you were gonna die,
but now you're not dead,Copy !req
391. and I can finally be honestCopy !req
392. and say that those boots
are terrible and hideousCopy !req
393. and I hate them.Copy !req
394. Whoo!Copy !req
395. This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.Copy !req
396. Yeah, I know. And I get it.Copy !req
397. I don't care that she came back
or that we did it for a good reason.Copy !req
398. I can't live with this lie.Copy !req
399. I'm going to confess
to the murder of Janet.Copy !req
400. What?Copy !req
401. Dude, why?Copy !req
402. Janet is fine.Copy !req
403. We didn't harm her at all.Copy !req
404. We didn't? Hey, Janet?Copy !req
405. Hello.Copy !req
406. - Hello.
Hello.Copy !req
407. Janet, would you please recite
the English alphabet?Copy !req
408. A-B...Copy !req
409. Janet.Copy !req
410. She knows her A-B-Janets.Copy !req
411. She literally knew everything
in the universe,Copy !req
412. and now she's a baby.Copy !req
413. And even if she were okay,
it would be too painful for meCopy !req
414. to live with these lies.Copy !req
415. What are you talking about?
It is so easy to live with a lie.Copy !req
416. I once pretended
to have a terminal illnessCopy !req
417. to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut.Copy !req
418. Victimless crime.Copy !req
419. Fine.Copy !req
420. I won't say anything
because I promised to help you.Copy !req
421. - And the moral implications...Copy !req
422. Of everything that we've done
are so complicatedCopy !req
423. that I may never untangle them,
but I hate lying.Copy !req
424. I always have,Copy !req
425. and this is going
to eat me up inside forever.Copy !req
426. You might be able to shrug this off,
and forget about it, but I never will.Copy !req
427. Hello.Copy !req
428. - Hi.
- Hello.Copy !req
429. - Hi.
- Hello.Copy !req
430. Jianyu!Copy !req
431. Michael, Janet said you wanted
to speak to me.Copy !req
432. Well, actually,
she was just drooling a lotCopy !req
433. and saying, "Hello" over and over again,
but she did point at you.Copy !req
434. I owe you an apology.Copy !req
435. Oh, no. No, you don't.Copy !req
436. No... But, uh, please continue.Copy !req
437. You were only trying to help.Copy !req
438. You're a wonderful person,Copy !req
439. and if I ever do have a retirement party,Copy !req
440. I hope you plan it.Copy !req
441. Thank you for gathering, everyone.
I want to keep you all updated.Copy !req
442. Here's what we know.Copy !req
443. Someone slaughtered Janet.Copy !req
444. Oh, boy.Copy !req
445. - Oh, boy.
- Okay, easy.Copy !req
446. I assume that this horrifying actCopy !req
447. is somehow related to
the other issues we've had here.Copy !req
448. It also means
that the problems in this neighborhoodCopy !req
449. are not 100% my fault.Copy !req
450. There is something else at work here.Copy !req
451. If anyone has any informationCopy !req
452. - about any of this...Copy !req
453. I beg you,Copy !req
454. tell me.Copy !req
455. Hey, I love you, man.Copy !req
456. Michael...Copy !req
457. The problem in the neighborhood...Copy !req
458. Is me.Copy !req
459. I was brought to The Good Place
by mistake.Copy !req
460. - I'm not supposed to be here.Copy !req