1. Good afternoon, Eleanor.
What can I get you today?Copy !req
2. Whoa! Lot of new flavors.Copy !req
3. Michael felt bad about the sinkhole,Copy !req
4. so he wanted to give you all
a little treat.Copy !req
5. I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery."Copy !req
6. Whoa!Copy !req
7. It somehow tastes how I felt
when my cell phone was fully charged.Copy !req
8. Oh, I'm so relaxed.Copy !req
9. But they all look good.
This might take me a while.Copy !req
10. You know what, Gunnar,
why don't you go ahead?Copy !req
11. - Thanks so much, Eleanor.
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
12. What can I get you, Gunnar?
Hi, Janet.Copy !req
13. - Can I have some Folded Laundry?
Coming up.Copy !req
14. Chidi!Copy !req
15. You'll never believe it.Copy !req
16. I was at the frozen yogurt place
and I didn't know what I wanted,Copy !req
17. so I turned to the guy behind me,
and I was like,Copy !req
18. "Why don't you go ahead?"Copy !req
19. Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead?"Copy !req
20. Okay...
- Dude, you don't understand!Copy !req
21. I never did stuff like that
when I was on Earth.Copy !req
22. But now, thanks to your
"good person" lessons,Copy !req
23. I didn't hold up the line.Copy !req
24. I didn't even try a dozen samples
I didn't wantCopy !req
25. just to spite some jerk who told me
I was holding up the line.Copy !req
26. - You do that?
- No, Chidi, I used to do that.Copy !req
27. Now I do selfless things
without even thinking about it.Copy !req
28. - That's great. I'm... I'm proud of you.Copy !req
29. - So where's our yogurt?
I forgot it.Copy !req
30. Oh... Can you go?
I don't want to go all the way back.Copy !req
31. I ran all the way here and it was so hot.Copy !req
32. I mean, I will happily get it,
because I told you I would.Copy !req
33. Good person.Copy !req
34. So, to sum up, Utilitarianism posits
that the correct choiceCopy !req
35. is the one that causes
the most good or pleasure,Copy !req
36. and the least pain and suffering.Copy !req
37. I like this one. It's simple.Copy !req
38. Ugh... Screw all the other
complicated theories,Copy !req
39. - why didn't you start with this one?
- Ah, but here's the problem.Copy !req
40. If all that matters
is the sum total of "goodness,"Copy !req
41. then you can justify
any number of bad actions,Copy !req
42. like torturing one innocent person
to save a hundred,Copy !req
43. or preemptive war...Copy !req
44. Oh, dude, I get it.Copy !req
45. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila...Copy !req
46. She was a black market alligator dealer
with a pierced jawbone.Copy !req
47. Um... Okay, what?Copy !req
48. Sheila was gonna get married
to my boy, Donkey DougCopy !req
49. and make him move to Sarasota.Copy !req
50. It would've broken up
my whole break dancing crewCopy !req
51. and Donkey Doug
was our best pop-and-locker.Copy !req
52. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards
in Sheila's garage and called the cops.Copy !req
53. I framed one innocent gator dealer
to save a 60-person dance crew.Copy !req
54. Shockingly, that is a relevant example
of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.Copy !req
55. Thanks! Um...Copy !req
56. - Uh, yes, Jianyu?
- Can I be excused?Copy !req
57. Tahani's doing a brunch party
and I want to get thereCopy !req
58. before all the mini-waffles run out.Copy !req
59. - Go ahead, man.
- Yes!Copy !req
60. So, you want to roll
right into another lesson?Copy !req
61. I am revved up to learn, man.
My brain is horny!Copy !req
62. Um... Can we take a little break?Copy !req
63. I've been standing
at this chalkboard all day.Copy !req
64. Oh, yeah, I get it.Copy !req
65. Oh, you could, um, grade my paper
I wrote on the concept of dharma.Copy !req
66. Six pages, and I didn't even do that thingCopy !req
67. where I try to make it longer
by starting every sentence withCopy !req
68. "Interestingly..."Copy !req
69. Sure, I'll do that and, uh...Copy !req
70. We can start another lesson.Copy !req
71. Ah! Tahani.Copy !req
72. I've been working on my Western Hemisphere
brunch banter.Copy !req
73. Tell me what you think.Copy !req
74. That New Yorker article was crazy.Copy !req
75. You haven't seen Hamilton?Copy !req
76. Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?Copy !req
77. - Very well done, Michael.
- Hi, there!Copy !req
78. We have a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis.Copy !req
79. - A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
80. Sorry, what is a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis?Copy !req
81. It's nothing,
it's a tiny little inconvenience.Copy !req
82. Tahani, dear, could you show us
to a private roomCopy !req
83. where no one can see or hear us,
even if I yell very loudly out of fear?Copy !req
84. It appears that the sinkhole
is not repairing itself.Copy !req
85. This is very bad, Janet.Copy !req
86. We have to go into the sinkhole
and fix it by hand.Copy !req
87. Get the tools.Copy !req
88. - Sorry, can I be of any service?
- Ah! Tahani.Copy !req
89. Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no.Copy !req
90. We're just having a slight problem
with the enormous sinkhole.Copy !req
91. Yes, I meant to tell you...
I walked past it last night and I...Copy !req
92. I actually saw it get a little bit bigger.Copy !req
93. It got bigger?Copy !req
94. Ah, well,
that's so normal. Uh...Copy !req
95. This is the reaction I have when things
are incredibly mundane and expected.Copy !req
96. I'm gonna leave now at my regular pace,
as I do in most scenarios.Copy !req
97. Finally! Let's get back to it.Copy !req
98. Whip out that chalkboard, big boy,
show me what you're working with.Copy !req
99. Actually, I was going to head into town
and pick up some...Copy !req
100. - Blankets.
- Great, I'll grab my sweater.Copy !req
101. I can practice
letting people cut in front of me.Copy !req
102. You know, uh, I just realizedCopy !req
103. that I have blankets,
so I'm going to take a napCopy !req
104. using the several blankets
that I already have. Good night.Copy !req
105. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. What's wrong? Out with it.Copy !req
106. Fine, I'm just tired, need a break.
No big deal.Copy !req
107. The way you're talking to me right now?Copy !req
108. "Everything's cool, no big deal,"
I know that move.Copy !req
109. When I told a boyfriend
something was "no big deal,"Copy !req
110. it meant anything from "I just
bought weed from your nephew,"Copy !req
111. to "I secretly befriended
your ex-girlfriend last year,Copy !req
112. "things got out of hand,
and now I'm her bridesmaid."Copy !req
113. Wow.Copy !req
114. Okay, well, in this case,
it really is no big deal.Copy !req
115. Dude, you're hiding something!Copy !req
116. - What's wrong?
- Nothing!Copy !req
117. What is wrong?Copy !req
118. Jianyu, 2nd.Copy !req
119. Oh, well done, my love.Copy !req
120. So where am I?Copy !req
121. Eleanor, 6th? Come on.Copy !req
122. Oh, no. I'm second to last.Copy !req
123. Mummy, I made you this.Copy !req
124. It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden.Copy !req
125. Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent.Copy !req
126. I made a bird, as well.Copy !req
127. I worked in a reflective alloy,
holding up a mirror to mankindCopy !req
128. and its mistreatment
of these defenseless animals.Copy !req
129. Excellent, Kamilah.Copy !req
130. I sense the influence
of Brancusi and Kapoor.Copy !req
131. It seems you're moving out
of your structural period,Copy !req
132. and more into conceptual abstraction.Copy !req
133. Good eye, Mother.Copy !req
134. I grew tired of objective representation.
I trust my audience.Copy !req
135. - My birdie has a hat.
- Yes, well done, Tahani.Copy !req
136. What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong.Copy !req
137. - What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.Copy !req
138. - What's wrong? What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong?Copy !req
139. - Would you stop doing that?
- What's wrong? What's wrong?Copy !req
140. - Okay, fine!
- What's wrong?Copy !req
141. You want to know what's wrong?
You are a full-time job.Copy !req
142. I wake up, there's Eleanor.Copy !req
143. I spend all day teaching Eleanor.Copy !req
144. And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor."Copy !req
145. Oh, this is a nice dream,
my grandma's here.Copy !req
146. Wait, she's got Eleanor's face!
And tentacles for some reason.Copy !req
147. I thought you liked teaching me.
So now I'm just some huge burden for you?Copy !req
148. Yes! Of course you are! I am in paradise!Copy !req
149. I should be doing paradise things,Copy !req
150. like rowing out on a lake
with a good bottle of wine,Copy !req
151. reading French poetry.Copy !req
152. That's your idea of paradise?Copy !req
153. You know, and I can't stop helping you,Copy !req
154. because then I am shirking
my ethical duty.Copy !req
155. It's an impossible position!Copy !req
156. You know what, if you're so stressed
from writing on a chalkboard,Copy !req
157. why don't you just leave?Copy !req
158. We can pretend to be soul mates in public,Copy !req
159. but other than that,
we don't have to see each other!Copy !req
160. - Fine with me! I'll move out right now.
- Fine!Copy !req
161. Good afternoon.Copy !req
162. As you all may remember, a sinkhole
recently opened up in the town center.Copy !req
163. The situation, sadly, has worsened.Copy !req
164. Starting right now, no one may go outsideCopy !req
165. under any circumstances.Copy !req
166. Leaving your homes could result
in catastrophic damage,Copy !req
167. to you and to the very fabric
of the universe.Copy !req
168. Okay, bye.Copy !req
169. - Or we could both just stay here.Copy !req
170. We hope you enjoy
your eternal stay in The Good Place.Copy !req
171. Take advantage of our day spa,Copy !req
172. or Janet... A magical assistant
who can get you whatever you want.Copy !req
173. You mind turning that off?
It's been playing on a loop for two days.Copy !req
174. The whole Neighborhood is offline.
We only get the welcome channel.Copy !req
175. I would love to not watch TV,
but you canceled school.Copy !req
176. What have you done to me,
you monster?Copy !req
177. Look at all these dishes piling up.Copy !req
178. I used to just throw them in the sink,Copy !req
179. and they'd be magically cleaned
by morning.Copy !req
180. I did that. I cleaned the dishes.Copy !req
181. Oh.Copy !req
182. Then what's up with these bad boys?Copy !req
183. You are unbelievable.Copy !req
184. Are you still upset?
You're not over it yet?Copy !req
185. How can I be over it? We haven't discussed
it or even spoken for days.Copy !req
186. Well, it sounds like
you've had a really nice "vacation"Copy !req
187. from your "full-time job."Copy !req
188. Get your story straight, bro!Copy !req
189. Hey, guys, it's Michael.Copy !req
190. Hi, Michael, what a lovely surprise.Copy !req
191. Oh, I'd love to make small talk.
I've been practicing, too.Copy !req
192. I'm amazing at it,
but I'm in a bit of a rush here.Copy !req
193. This is Bart and Nina.Copy !req
194. They live right next door
to the, uh, sinkhole,Copy !req
195. so they obviously need a place to stay.Copy !req
196. I was wondering, as my assistant,
maybe you could put them up for a while?Copy !req
197. Oh, of course. Don't think twice.Copy !req
198. Okay, shouldn't take long.
Between an hour and, um, 11 months.Copy !req
199. Somewhere in there. Okay, bye.Copy !req
200. Don't go outside.Copy !req
201. Hello, everyone, and welcome to day three
of our brunch siege.Copy !req
202. I stayed up all night
to plan a full day of fun activities.Copy !req
203. Just check the schedule I made.Copy !req
204. Tahani, you are truly the best.Copy !req
205. Yes, you would think so,
wouldn't you, Henriette?Copy !req
206. Still second to last.Copy !req
207. Tahani!Copy !req
208. This auction threatens to be
an embarrassing failure.Copy !req
209. 5.2 million isn't bad.Copy !req
210. It's very "middle-thermometer."Copy !req
211. Your public failure is our public failure.Copy !req
212. You know what has to be done.Copy !req
213. I'm very pleased to announce that there
has been an addition to today's docket.Copy !req
214. - I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah.Copy !req
215. Yes. Kamilah.Copy !req
216. Kamilah, of course,
is the youngest person everCopy !req
217. to graduate from Oxford University.Copy !req
218. She's a world-class painter,
social activist, iconoclast,Copy !req
219. Olympic gold medalist for archery,Copy !req
220. a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary
on her Grammy Award-winning album,Copy !req
221. and the person voted
"Most Likely to be Banksy."Copy !req
222. So without further ado,
take it away from me!Copy !req
223. Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.Copy !req
224. I am auctioning off a lunch date with me.Copy !req
225. The bidding shall commence at £3,000,000.Copy !req
226. Five million!Copy !req
227. Thank you guys so much.Copy !req
228. - Sorry for the imposition.
- Oh... Bah!Copy !req
229. Oh, well, if you want to know the truth,Copy !req
230. we asked Michael
if we could stay with you.Copy !req
231. We are obsessed with your relationship.Copy !req
232. Always whispering,
locking yourself in the house all day.Copy !req
233. I thought I was an expert in true love
'cause of my old job.Copy !req
234. But I have
a lot to learn from you guys.Copy !req
235. Your job? What was your job?Copy !req
236. I was a marriage counselor.Copy !req
237. You could say I wrote the book
on healthy relationships.Copy !req
238. - And I did!Copy !req
239. It's called, How to Spot Problems
in a Marriage From a 100 Miles Away.Copy !req
240. Oh, cool.Copy !req
241. - Really cool.
- Cool.Copy !req
242. - Really, really cool.
- Cool, cool.Copy !req
243. And what about you, Bart?Copy !req
244. Oh, well, my job wasn't
nearly as interesting.Copy !req
245. I started a company
that investigated identity theft.Copy !req
246. Analyzing body language,
tracking and catching peopleCopy !req
247. pretending to be someone they're not.Copy !req
248. It's snooze, am I right?Copy !req
249. They're gonna catch us!
This is an extremely precarious situation!Copy !req
250. I am vexed, Eleanor!Copy !req
251. A marriage counselor
and a human lie detectorCopy !req
252. isn't my first choice for company, either.Copy !req
253. But they have no reason to suspect us!Copy !req
254. Plus, I think they may have actually
just come here to, you know, swing.Copy !req
255. I say we do it.Copy !req
256. It'll get 'em to stop asking questions.Copy !req
257. No, I... I am not going to have
sex with someoneCopy !req
258. to get them to stop talking to me!Copy !req
259. Really? You and I are very different.Copy !req
260. - Yeah, I noticed!
- You know what, man?Copy !req
261. I have spent every second in this placeCopy !req
262. worried I was gonna get caught,
but if we go down right now,Copy !req
263. that's on you, okay?Copy !req
264. Oh, you spend all your time
teaching a charming, awesome lady?Copy !req
265. How sad for you. Face it, dude.Copy !req
266. I'm the best thing that ever happened
to you. Because guess what, Chidi?Copy !req
267. - Ya basic!
Eleanor...Copy !req
268. Yeah, I know, you want to do that thingCopy !req
269. where we're arguing and fighting,
but then suddenly it's like,Copy !req
270. "Whoa! This is hot,"
and we start making out.Copy !req
271. Dream on!
Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.Copy !req
272. No, Eleanor, look.Copy !req
273. So how much of that did you hear?Copy !req
274. We couldn't hear you, but I'm an expertCopy !req
275. in non-verbal communication,
and it is clear...Copy !req
276. You are in conflict.Copy !req
277. We're not judging you.
This has been a tough couple of weeks.Copy !req
278. I'm sure the stress of the sinkhole
has caused lots of soul mate squabbles.Copy !req
279. Yes, that's what it is. A squabble.Copy !req
280. - We're squabbling.
- Squabble, squabble!Copy !req
281. I can help.Copy !req
282. I'm gonna take your relationship
and put it under a microscopeCopy !req
283. and dig and poke and prodCopy !req
284. until you are back to soul mate harmony.Copy !req
285. Eleanor, why don't you—Copy !req
286. She never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.Copy !req
287. - We just have different interests.
Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
288. I like relaxing, he likes
getting on my case about the dishes.Copy !req
289. I'm getting a lot of repressed anger.Copy !req
290. I suspected this when I arrived,
but now I'm sure.Copy !req
291. - You are hiding something.
- What on Earth would I be—Copy !req
292. No, no, no, not you.Copy !req
293. Him.Copy !req
294. Please go back inside.
It isn't safe to be out of your home.Copy !req
295. Please go back inside.Copy !req
296. Janet, could you see what's wrong?Copy !req
297. - Everything.
- Oh...Copy !req
298. My goodness!
It's even worse than I thought.Copy !req
299. Tahani, what're you doing here?Copy !req
300. Well, everyone else might be okay staying
inside, but I wanted to help.Copy !req
301. So I've brought some cheer
and sustenance to raise your spirits.Copy !req
302. Look, I made donut holes.Copy !req
303. Do you get it? "Donut holes"?Copy !req
304. Sinkhole. Funny, no?Copy !req
305. No, too soon. By exactly nine days.Copy !req
306. Tahani, this sinkhole
is incredibly dangerous.Copy !req
307. If a human gets too close to it,
there could be disastrous side effects.Copy !req
308. - What's... What's happening to me?
- Oh, that's one of the side effects.Copy !req
309. Janet, knock her out
while we still have time.Copy !req
310. Knock me out? What does that—Copy !req
311. - Boop!Copy !req
312. Guys, really, it's no big deal.Copy !req
313. "It's not a big deal"
is nearly always codeCopy !req
314. for "something is wrong."Copy !req
315. Boom! That's what I said.
I should've been a marriage counselor.Copy !req
316. Okay, Chidi, out with it.Copy !req
317. What is so unsatisfying
about your soul mate relationship?Copy !req
318. Be honest, Chidi.Copy !req
319. Be, like, the exact right amount of honestCopy !req
320. so that we can both be happy.Copy !req
321. I never had a soul mate on Earth.Copy !req
322. I never even really had
a girlfriend that I loved.Copy !req
323. And when I got here,
and Michael said I wouldCopy !req
324. finally meet my actual soul mate,
I was so excited.Copy !req
325. And it isn't...Copy !req
326. Exactly what I thought.Copy !req
327. You've never had
an intense relationship before.Copy !req
328. This is all uncharted territory.Copy !req
329. No wonder you're so tense.Copy !req
330. You know, Nina and I are skilled
in the art of massage.Copy !req
331. - Uh, not erotic massage.
- Mmm.Copy !req
332. Although, it can be,
and it often leads there, anyway...Copy !req
333. Okay, well, you know what?Copy !req
334. You guys have given us
so much to think about.Copy !req
335. And I think we should go to bed.
Just the two of us, alone. Just us.Copy !req
336. I know it's not
the right time, but I told you.Copy !req
337. Tahani, wake up, dear.Copy !req
338. Michael.Copy !req
339. Did it work?Copy !req
340. Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine?Copy !req
341. No, you did something
catastrophically stupidCopy !req
342. and we had to knock you unconscious.Copy !req
343. Why in the world did you go outside?Copy !req
344. Because I saw the rankings in the manual.Copy !req
345. That manual is only meant to be seen
by Architects and Janets.Copy !req
346. It's got some very sensitive material.Copy !req
347. Plus some song lyrics
I've been working on,Copy !req
348. and I'd rather not let people see those
until they're finished.Copy !req
349. But, anyway, why did seeing
the rankings unravel you so?Copy !req
350. I was so sorry to hear
of your parents' passing.Copy !req
351. Please bear with me as I share
their last will and testament.Copy !req
352. "To Kamilah, we have left £68,000,000,Copy !req
353. the home in Kensington, the yacht,
and other assorted weekend boats."Copy !req
354. Well, what did they leave
their second favorite child?Copy !req
355. There's still quite a lot of, uh, money
and property that goes to you.Copy !req
356. There is one issue, however.Copy !req
357. They have, um, spelled your name
incorrectly in the will.Copy !req
358. You've got to be kidding me.Copy !req
359. It says, "We bequeath
the rest of our estate to Tahini."Copy !req
360. Like the sauce.Copy !req
361. You know what? I don't want the money.Copy !req
362. My sister can have it all.Copy !req
363. My whole life,
I have lived in your shadow,Copy !req
364. but now I'm going to step out of it.Copy !req
365. I am going to reach
heights of success and sophisticationCopy !req
366. that you can only dream of.Copy !req
367. Your cardigan's on inside out.Copy !req
368. I know!
It's a new trend that I am starting.Copy !req
369. Just one example of how I'm going to
step out of your shadow.Copy !req
370. Oh, I'm sorry that I looked
at the rankings, Michael.Copy !req
371. But I just don't understand
how I'm so low.Copy !req
372. My entire life, I have tried
to be extraordinary,Copy !req
373. but it just never seemed to be enough.Copy !req
374. Ah...Copy !req
375. And you thought you could
increase your rankingCopy !req
376. by helping us fix the sinkhole.Copy !req
377. Tahani, the point evaluations
stop the moment you die.Copy !req
378. But also, out of literally billions,Copy !req
379. you were one of the most
remarkable people on Earth.Copy !req
380. You have nothing left to prove, to anyone.Copy !req
381. - Hi, there.Copy !req
382. The sinkhole has begun to repair itself.Copy !req
383. - It has?Copy !req
384. - Could it be... Did I?
- But how...Copy !req
385. - "Tahani saves the—"
- No, no, no.Copy !req
386. Still not you.
You have nothing to do with it.Copy !req
387. We've got to leave immediately.Copy !req
388. It's now safe to go outside.Copy !req
389. It's now safe to go outside.Copy !req
390. It's now safe to go outside.Copy !req
391. - Morning, teach!
- Mornin'.Copy !req
392. What's this about?Copy !req
393. Well, here's what I realized.Copy !req
394. It's not just that helping me
is a full-time jobCopy !req
395. that you feel you have to do.Copy !req
396. The real problem is,
that the more you help me,Copy !req
397. the greater the chance is
that I can stay here,Copy !req
398. and me staying here means
you'll never get a real soul mate.Copy !req
399. - I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.Copy !req
400. Every ounce of my happiness
leads to a ton of pain for you.Copy !req
401. So... Every time the simple fact
of my existence starts to bum you out,Copy !req
402. I want you to hold this up.Copy !req
403. - At which point, I will leave you aloneCopy !req
404. for as long as you need.Copy !req
405. I know we'll never be soul mates,
but we're friends.Copy !req
406. Now get in this boat and read
some boring French poetry.Copy !req
407. I've never actually done this before.Copy !req
408. This is a theoretical fantasy.Copy !req
409. How do you row a boat?Copy !req
410. I'll tell ya, it's good as new. Go ahead,
if you want, just... Here.Copy !req
411. See? You can jump up and down on it.Copy !req
412. Hey, boss. So you fixed the sinkhole.Copy !req
413. Yup, good as new. Crisis averted.Copy !req
414. Everybody have a wonderful day,
because I fixed the sinkhole.Copy !req
415. - I didn't fix the sinkhole.
- Sorry?Copy !req
416. I tried and I tried, but nothing worked.
And then all of a sudden...Copy !req
417. This morning, out of the blue,
it just...Copy !req
418. It just closed over.Copy !req
419. Huh... How 'bout that?Copy !req
420. Well, as your assistant,
I officially declare this good news.Copy !req
421. No, this is terrible news!
I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor.Copy !req
422. And no idea what fixed it.Copy !req
423. I want you to come to my office
first thing in the morning.Copy !req
424. You and I are gonna find this problem.Copy !req