1. - You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
- Cool.Copy !req
2. Eleanor, you are my soulmate.Copy !req
3. There's been a big mistake.Copy !req
4. I'm not supposed to be here.Copy !req
5. - Wait, what?
- These people might be good,Copy !req
6. but are they really
that much better than me?Copy !req
7. Eleanor!
This is all happening because of you!Copy !req
8. Give me a chance.
Let me earn my place here.Copy !req
9. Let me be your ethical guinea pig.Copy !req
10. My soul is in your hands, soulmate.Copy !req
11. I don't know what to do here.
This is a mess.Copy !req
12. Morally speaking, this is a putrid,
disgusting bowl of ethical soup.Copy !req
13. Okay, well, how about we just chillCopy !req
14. and go to the town meeting
and talk it out after?Copy !req
15. Great. Hey, how do I make
that helper woman show up?Copy !req
16. Hello? Front desk lady?
Magical slave robot?Copy !req
17. - Excuse me, Janet?
- Hi, there.Copy !req
18. Still not used to it.
Um, Janet, I need...Copy !req
19. Quick question,
can anyone access our search history,Copy !req
20. or is this an incognito browsing situationCopy !req
21. like when you're stalking a hot mailman
from your work computer?Copy !req
22. It is 100% confidential.Copy !req
23. No one can access what you ask me,
including Michael.Copy !req
24. Now, what kind of pornography
would you like to see?Copy !req
25. No. No, no, no, not porn.Copy !req
26. I, um... I need clothes,
like yours and Chidi's with the stripes.Copy !req
27. - There you go.Copy !req
28. Everybody, everybody!Copy !req
29. Gather round, please,
thank you, thank you.Copy !req
30. Obviously, there's something very wrong
with this neighborhood.Copy !req
31. We don't know what it is,
how long it will last,Copy !req
32. or what caused it.Copy !req
33. What do we know, Janet?Copy !req
34. We know where it happened.Copy !req
35. - Here.
- Yes, thank you, Janet.Copy !req
36. The chaos happened here.Copy !req
37. See, that's the trouble
with these perfect systems.Copy !req
38. One little flaw can lead to...Copy !req
39. Well, it can lead to...Copy !req
40. - Gary over there.Copy !req
41. Hey, Gary. Hang in there, buddy.Copy !req
42. Boy, my armpits are leaking.
What is that called again?Copy !req
43. - Sweat.
- Right, right.Copy !req
44. Still not used to being in a human body.Copy !req
45. And what do you do with sweat?
Do you lick it away, is that right?Copy !req
46. - No, you dab it with a cloth.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
47. And then you lick the cloth?
That seems weirder.Copy !req
48. Michael. Look!
- Okay. That's a good sign.Copy !req
49. It could mean
that this is almost over.Copy !req
50. Oh, such a relief.Copy !req
51. That was my first time
as a fashion "don't,"Copy !req
52. and I did not care for it.Copy !req
53. Okay,
things are settling down outside.Copy !req
54. I think it's time to...Copy !req
55. make me good, partner. How do we do it?Copy !req
56. Is there a pill I can take
or something I could vape?Copy !req
57. Where did you get a chalkboard?Copy !req
58. It's The Good Place,
you can get anything you want at any time.Copy !req
59. And you chose a chalkboard?Copy !req
60. What are you reading?Copy !req
61. The Metaphysics of Morals
by Immanuel Kant.Copy !req
62. It's a treatise
on the aesthetic preconditionsCopy !req
63. of the mind's receptivity to duty.Copy !req
64. It's a book on how to act good.Copy !req
65. Oh, great! So you've decided to help me?Copy !req
66. I don't know.
There's a thousand questions.Copy !req
67. - Is there a moral imperative to help you?
- Hmm.Copy !req
68. Do I have a greater obligation
to my community?Copy !req
69. Are you taking someone else's spot,
someone who deserves to be here?Copy !req
70. Ooh! On that question, I honestly think
I was just put here by mistake.Copy !req
71. Because Michael called me
Eleanor Shellstrop,Copy !req
72. so he knows I'm me.Copy !req
73. He's just wrong about
my overall "quality" level.Copy !req
74. Please, help me, man.
I swear I am worth it.Copy !req
75. Tell me one fact that you know about me.Copy !req
76. I mean, we spent the whole day together.
You must remember something.Copy !req
77. What country am I from?Copy !req
78. Is it racist if I say Africa?Copy !req
79. Yes, and Africa is not a country.
I am from Senegal.Copy !req
80. Do I have any siblings?
Where did I go to college?Copy !req
81. Trick question. You didn't.Copy !req
82. I was literally a college professor.Copy !req
83. Do you not remember
one single thing about me?Copy !req
84. Dude, things have been nuts around here.Copy !req
85. I bet you don't know anything about me.Copy !req
86. You were born in Phoenix.
You went to school in Tempe.Copy !req
87. You're an only child.Copy !req
88. Your favorite show is something called
The Real Housewives of Atlanta,Copy !req
89. and your favorite book
is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.Copy !req
90. How did you know all that?Copy !req
91. Because you are constantly
talking about yourself.Copy !req
92. You are the most self-obsessed person
I have ever met.Copy !req
93. You should see
Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.Copy !req
94. Okay, this is my fear about you, Eleanor.Copy !req
95. You are too selfish
to ever be a good person.Copy !req
96. Well, I think you're wrong.
What country am I from, again?Copy !req
97. Sen... sodyne.Copy !req
98. That is a brand of toothpaste.Copy !req
99. Look, the only thing
that you are concerned withCopy !req
100. is your own happiness.Copy !req
101. That's your problem.Copy !req
102. Okay, names in the hat.
Time to pick a designated driver.Copy !req
103. And the loser is...Copy !req
104. Betsy.Copy !req
105. Wait, you never get picked,Copy !req
106. and you're always the one
who draws the name.Copy !req
107. - Let me see that.
- There's no need.Copy !req
108. Everyone here believes in
my integrity 100%, right, guys?Copy !req
109. Give it to me.Copy !req
110. For the record...Copy !req
111. I did that out of principle,
because it absolutely had your name on it.Copy !req
112. If I check the other ones,
I can figure it outCopy !req
113. by process of elimination.Copy !req
114. Again, out of principle.
Let it wash over you, Betsy.Copy !req
115. This is what integrity looks like.Copy !req
116. All right, everyone,
let's get started.Copy !req
117. Things have settled down. Phew!Copy !req
118. So hopefully, we're off and running.Copy !req
119. Welcome to orientation, day two.Copy !req
120. Now, today we're gonna
start with somethingCopy !req
121. that everyone has always wanted to do.Copy !req
122. - Flying.Copy !req
123. Now that you're dead,
let's live a little, right?Copy !req
124. Uh, sorry. Uh, Michael? If... If I might?Copy !req
125. I was just thinking,
earlier today in all of the chaos,Copy !req
126. large swaths of this neighborhood
were destroyed.Copy !req
127. We thought perhaps some of us could
volunteer to help clean up the debris.Copy !req
128. You know, it's quite a fun way
to band together as a community,Copy !req
129. isn't that right, Jianyu?Copy !req
130. Oh, uh, yeah, sorry.
For those of you who don't know,Copy !req
131. my soulmate, Jianyu here,
is a Buddhist monk.Copy !req
132. He took a vow of silence
that he's still observing,Copy !req
133. even here, in The Good Place.Copy !req
134. It's truly inspiring.Copy !req
135. Well, Tahani,
it's not really your job to clean up,Copy !req
136. but I suppose there's no harm
if you really want to.Copy !req
137. Oh, well, hurrah.
We need about, uh, 12 volunteers.Copy !req
138. Oh!Copy !req
139. I can't believe all these people
are passing on flyingCopy !req
140. to pick up garbage all day.Copy !req
141. Have fun, nerds.Copy !req
142. I'll be soaring through the air
like a forkin' bird.Copy !req
143. - Eleanor and I would love to help.
- Ah. Hurrah, hurrah. Yay.Copy !req
144. Dude.Copy !req
145. You want to prove you're not selfish?
Here's the perfect test.Copy !req
146. There's something fun that you want to do,Copy !req
147. and then there's something less fun that
people are doing for the common good.Copy !req
148. Which do you choose?Copy !req
149. - Have fun.Copy !req
150. Whoo!Copy !req
151. Hey!
Oh, hey!Copy !req
152. Aw, yeah!
All right!Copy !req
153. - Whoo!
- Hey, up there.Copy !req
154. Having fun, or does it
maybe suck, probably?Copy !req
155. Well, I wouldn't call it fun. I'd say
it's like 50 million simultaneous orgasms,Copy !req
156. but better.Copy !req
157. How's volunteer garbage pickup?Copy !req
158. - About the same.
- Great!Copy !req
159. Whee!Copy !req
160. You know, this really reminds me
of my time in Vietnam,Copy !req
161. picking up mortar shells
with my godmother, Diana.Copy !req
162. Doesn't really matter of what she's
a princess of. It's not really important.Copy !req
163. Tahani! How goes the cleaning?Copy !req
164. Oh, swimmingly, Michael. And I have to sayCopy !req
165. this neighborhood that you've built
is truly a masterpiece,Copy !req
166. the likes of which I've never seen.Copy !req
167. And I've been to Johnny Depp's
private bird sanctuary.Copy !req
168. Well, thank you.
That's very kind of you to say.Copy !req
169. But it's also dead wrong.Copy !req
170. This neighborhood is a disaster.Copy !req
171. See, I must have made a mistake somewhere.
And it led to all this chaos,Copy !req
172. and now I'm just... I'm just terrified
that it's gonna happen again.Copy !req
173. I'm trying to put a good face on...Copy !req
174. Uh, well, this face that
I've constructed for myself.Copy !req
175. But the truth is, I... I'm just miserable.Copy !req
176. I have to go.Copy !req
177. Thank you so much for your service.Copy !req
178. Oh, no. Powerful people
do not handle failure well.Copy !req
179. Michael could be heading
for a total meltdown.Copy !req
180. Soulmate,
are you thinking what I'm thinking?Copy !req
181. Should we say it at the same time?
All right. One, two, three.Copy !req
182. We must help Michael.Copy !req
183. Oh, you sly devil.Copy !req
184. You're going to keep me
on my toes, aren't you?Copy !req
185. All right, come on. Let's go.Copy !req
186. Oh, boy!
- Hey, Gunnar! Hey, Antonio!Copy !req
187. - Hey, Eleanor. Isn't this great?
- Uh, yeah.Copy !req
188. When I thought of the afterlife,Copy !req
189. I totally pictured being
an unpaid, non-flying janitor.Copy !req
190. Us, too!Copy !req
191. You guys
are so fun. Just relentlessly fun.Copy !req
192. I keep thinking, "When are they
gonna stop being fun?"Copy !req
193. And the answer is never.
You're never gonna stop.Copy !req
194. Well, I have had a pretty full day
of being unselfish.Copy !req
195. I've made some new friends.
My area's almost garbage-free.Copy !req
196. So you're gonna help me figure out
how to stay, right?Copy !req
197. Well, that is a really tough question.Copy !req
198. Most great philosophers would sayCopy !req
199. helping you is pointless,
that you can't try to be good,Copy !req
200. especially when your motivations
are so obviously corrupt.Copy !req
201. Yeah, but what do
most great philosophers know?Copy !req
202. On the other hand, Aristotle
thought that moral virtue is somethingCopy !req
203. that you could get better at.Copy !req
204. He... He compared it to playing the flute.Copy !req
205. The more you practice,
the more you improve.Copy !req
206. Aristotle! That's my boy, right there.
He was the best.Copy !req
207. I mean, most people agree
he was the best one.Copy !req
208. So it sounds to me like you are on board
the "Help Eleanor" train.Copy !req
209. Well, I've narrowed it down
to two possibilities, yes and no.Copy !req
210. Well, no worries.Copy !req
211. Just hit me up when you're done
weighing my life in your hands.Copy !req
212. I'll just keep doing what I do best:
being super considerate and selfless.Copy !req
213. - Hey, guys.
- Okay, Eleanor, reminder.Copy !req
214. We switched to a rotating systemCopy !req
215. for choosing a designated driver,
and it's your turn.Copy !req
216. Got it.Copy !req
217. Full disclosure,
I forgot we were doing this new system.Copy !req
218. I got off work early.
I've been here for about an hour,Copy !req
219. and I'm already pretty drunk.Copy !req
220. - Someone else will do it.
- Good call.Copy !req
221. Guess the only place I'll be driving
is through the giant loopholeCopy !req
222. in the system I accidentally discovered.Copy !req
223. Whoo!Copy !req
224. I can't believe they've managed to mix
one million flavors together,Copy !req
225. and yet, somehow,
I can taste each individual one.Copy !req
226. It's remarkable.Copy !req
227. I got no-flavor.Copy !req
228. - It's all I deserve, really.
- No.Copy !req
229. Look, I... I appreciate
you trying to cheer me up.Copy !req
230. I really do, but you don't understand.Copy !req
231. This was the very first neighborhood
that I got to design.Copy !req
232. It was my chance to prove myself,
and now I've blown it.Copy !req
233. You know, sometimes a flaw
can make something even more beautiful,Copy !req
234. like with Cindy Crawford
and how short she is.Copy !req
235. Oh, Tahani,
if I made one tiny mistake in my design,Copy !req
236. if there's a single glitch in the system,Copy !req
237. if even one blade of grass
is angled a fraction of a degree off...Copy !req
238. The whole neighborhood is compromised.Copy !req
239. Whose dog is that?Copy !req
240. Guys, whose dog is that?Copy !req
241. Whose dog is that?Copy !req
242. See, this is one of those glitches
I was talking about.Copy !req
243. Nice try, puppy!Copy !req
244. Phew! That was a close one.Copy !req
245. Teacup!Copy !req
246. Hey, have you seen my dog?Copy !req
247. Shouldn't these be magical trash bags?Copy !req
248. Five more minutes, flyers!Copy !req
249. - Five more minutes!
- Oh, man, really?Copy !req
250. Janet, I'm finished with cleanup,
and I'm ready to fly.Copy !req
251. - How do I start?
- Hop on the launch padCopy !req
252. and conjure an image
that brings you pure joy.Copy !req
253. Some people think of their wedding day
or favorite vacation spot.Copy !req
254. People puking on roller coasters.Copy !req
255. People puking on roller coasters.Copy !req
256. It's working!Copy !req
257. - Ow! What the fork?Copy !req
258. Janet, any chance this is
a scheduled trash storm?Copy !req
259. So here's the situation, Pevita.Copy !req
260. I kind of kicked your dog into the sun.Copy !req
261. But I got her back.Copy !req
262. - Everything... Everything seems fine.Copy !req
263. Teacup, thank goodness you're okay.Copy !req
264. Everyone, it is merely
a construct of a dog.Copy !req
265. It feels no pain or joy or love.Copy !req
266. Teacup doesn't love me?Copy !req
267. Oh!Copy !req
268. Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
it definitely feels love.Copy !req
269. Do you actually want a dog
that loves you a little bit more?Copy !req
270. Because I can kick her
right back into the sunCopy !req
271. and get you another one just like that.Copy !req
272. - No!
- Oh, boy. I'm making things worse.Copy !req
273. Okay, all right, that's all right.
Breathe. Breathe. Do you breathe?Copy !req
274. If you do, then just breatheCopy !req
275. 'cause everything's fine, Michael,
it's fine.Copy !req
276. It's raining garbage. Run!Copy !req
277. No, no, no, I'm gonna run this way.Copy !req
278. Chidi! Hey.
Before you say anything...Copy !req
279. That's it, I just don't
want you to say anything.Copy !req
280. - What did you do?
- Nothing!Copy !req
281. It just started raining trash
out of nowhere for no reason at all.Copy !req
282. Okay, fine, fine.Copy !req
283. My bag broke, and I ditched the trashCopy !req
284. instead of taking it
all the way to the dumpster.Copy !req
285. But in my defense,Copy !req
286. there were only five minutes left
in flying and I wanted to go flying.Copy !req
287. How is that a defense?
You made a bad choice.Copy !req
288. I made a bad choice?
We could have literally been flying,Copy !req
289. and all you wanted to do
was talk about morals.Copy !req
290. I mean, you're like
the worst part of Superman.Copy !req
291. This is a relief.
I can stop my deliberations.Copy !req
292. You're a selfish person,
and it is pointless to help you.Copy !req
293. You are on your own.Copy !req
294. Oh, man.Copy !req
295. - How 'bout this trash storm, Gunnar?
- More cleaning up to do.Copy !req
296. - It's a... It's a dream come true.Copy !req
297. - We're okay!Copy !req
298. You can't die here.Copy !req
299. Come on, I mean, even you have to admit,
those guys are psycho.Copy !req
300. I don't know what's happening to me.
I mean, it's my dutyCopy !req
301. to be calm and in control
and I'm falling apart.Copy !req
302. No, Michael, you are
a paragon of fortitude.Copy !req
303. - You're a mountain of strength.Copy !req
304. I'm not a mountain of strength.Copy !req
305. I'm a canyon...Copy !req
306. full of poo-poo.Copy !req
307. Jianyu, the architect of this neighborhoodCopy !req
308. has just referred to himself
as a canyon full of poo-poo.Copy !req
309. Surely now you will say something.Copy !req
310. Grace us with your vocalized wisdom.
Please, I'm begging you.Copy !req
311. Oh.Copy !req
312. Yes, yes, I understand.Copy !req
313. The strength is inside me.
It's been there all along.Copy !req
314. No, of course,
I can overcome any obstacle.Copy !req
315. Oh, thank you, Jianyu, thank you.Copy !req
316. I'm back.Copy !req
317. You did it.Copy !req
318. Oh, you have so much to teach me.Copy !req
319. Maybe I should try to be silent, too.Copy !req
320. No really, look. Here I go.Copy !req
321. Oh! That was wonderful! So cleansing.Copy !req
322. Just water tonight, huh?
Designated driver?Copy !req
323. - Yeah, it sucks.
- I think it's awesome.Copy !req
324. I mean, someone's got to do it, right?Copy !req
325. I think it's a cool thing
to do for people.Copy !req
326. Yeah. No, I meant...Copy !req
327. I meant it sucks that I can't do it
more often, you know?Copy !req
328. I actually prefer it to drinking.Copy !req
329. Staying sober and knowing
my friends will get home safe,Copy !req
330. that's my buzz.Copy !req
331. Hey, guys, good news and bad news.Copy !req
332. See that hot bartender over there?
He's into me, and we're gonna bang it out.Copy !req
333. The bad news is, it means
I can't drive you guys home.Copy !req
334. - But I did call a cab for you guys.Copy !req
335. But they recognized my number,
and they didn't want to come.Copy !req
336. I've thrown up in a lot of cabs.Copy !req
337. So are we good here?Copy !req
338. Eleanor, you have
a very important choice to make.Copy !req
339. If you blow us off,Copy !req
340. you are banned from
Thursday night drinks forever.Copy !req
341. Yeah, I'm good with that.Copy !req
342. I'll see you guys at work. Peace!Copy !req
343. You, let's go.Copy !req
344. Hey. How did you know I was here?Copy !req
345. I saw you from my window.Copy !req
346. That's where I live, by the way.
Not that you ever asked.Copy !req
347. What are you doing?Copy !req
348. I went to all the places
where I dumped trash earlierCopy !req
349. and cleaned it up
so it couldn't be traced back to me.Copy !req
350. Well, it looks like you
cleaned up everything.Copy !req
351. You're doing this because you feel bad.Copy !req
352. And you're not even doing it
to get me to help you anymore,Copy !req
353. because I told you
that's not gonna happen.Copy !req
354. Okay, yeah, fine, I felt badCopy !req
355. for stupid Gunnar and stupider Antonio
and the whole neighborhood.Copy !req
356. I felt bad about what I did.
It was a weird feeling.Copy !req
357. Not used to it. Didn't love it.Copy !req
358. Well, feeling remorse about being wrongCopy !req
359. isn't as good as just doing
something right, but it's a start.Copy !req
360. - Look, I think you're capable of change.Copy !req
361. And I will help you try.Copy !req
362. Oh, wow, man,
I swear I won't let you down.Copy !req
363. Hi there. I've collected the
worst-smelling garbage that I could find.Copy !req
364. Do you still want me to dump it
inside of Antonio's house?Copy !req
365. What? No.Copy !req
366. I did not tell you to do that.
You are loco, girlfriend.Copy !req
367. Okay, I won't let you down starting now.Copy !req
368. Ah, Eleanor. Good morning.Copy !req
369. Michael, do you know
what the best part about this place is?Copy !req
370. You figured out how to make a to-go cupCopy !req
371. that doesn't leak right where
the seam meets the lid.Copy !req
372. Oh, I'm so glad you noticed.
I was very proud of that.Copy !req
373. One of the hardest problems
I had to solve.Copy !req
374. Eleanor, I know what you did.Copy !req
375. Cleaning up the entire
neighborhood by yourself.Copy !req
376. I knew you were special,
but this is proof.Copy !req
377. Well, I was just doing my part.
You know, and, um...Copy !req
378. Since I'm special, your words,
I didn't get to fly.Copy !req
379. I'm sorry. No, I've had to ban flying
for 1,000 years. Too many injuries.Copy !req
380. One resident hit a rotting turkey carcass
at a 1,000 miles an hour.Copy !req
381. It just exploded into this fireball
of turkey flesh and bones and sinew.Copy !req
382. Anyway, enjoy your coffee. And the cup.Copy !req
383. So I have moved out
of my apartment officiallyCopy !req
384. and into your guest room.Copy !req
385. Figured it would cause less suspicionCopy !req
386. and make things easier
for our "good person" lessons.Copy !req
387. Cool. Uh, just FYI,
I'm a very loud snorer.Copy !req
388. And I like to drip dry in the nude,
so eyes to yourself, perv.Copy !req
389. Okay. Fine. Now you got a long way to go
to pull this off.Copy !req
390. It will take hours and hours
of studying ethics and moral philosophy.Copy !req
391. We're gonna have assignments
and quizzes and papers.Copy !req
392. It's gonna be so much fun.Copy !req
393. Remind me what I'm getting
out of this again.Copy !req
394. You get to avoid eternal damnation.Copy !req
395. Oh, yeah. Right.Copy !req
396. - Hey, I got you a present.
- What?Copy !req
397. Senegal.Copy !req
398. That's not a present.
That's just common decency.Copy !req
399. Yeah, but I forkin' nailed it.Copy !req
400. Good talk.Copy !req
401. Aw, shirt.Copy !req