The Good Place 1x13

1. Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?

2. Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.

3. Listen, we got the files for the new crop of incoming,

4. and the Big Guy thinks it's time for you to fly solo.

5. I get to design it myself?

6. You've been an apprentice long enough. You're ready.

7. Oh, Dave, I'm gonna work so hard.

8. - My design is gonna be absolutely perfect. Easy there, rookie.

9. Starting immediately, you'll be reporting directly to the front office.

10. This is your shot. Good luck.

11. The Bad Place is owed two people.

12. You have all done bad things since you arrived here.

13. I don't care which two of you go. You can decide.

14. You have 30 minutes.

15. All I ever wanted was for this neighborhood,

16. my first neighborhood to be perfect.

17. Somehow I blew it and... Well, you're all suffering,

18. and for that, I'm deeply sorry.

19. This is truly the saddest day of my life.

20. - Okay, I guess I'll speak first.

21. Jason and I are the mistakes.

22. We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so,

23. we should go to The Bad Place.

24. - Agreed. - Yes.

25. Okay, I thought you were gonna at least pretend to fight me on that, but whatever.

26. Hang on. That judge guy just said everyone here has done bad things.

27. Let's look at this ethnically.

28. - "Ethically." - You guys helped me and Eleanor, right,

29. but we're bad, so you helping us was bad.

30. It's basic consequentialism, the morality of an action

31. is solely judged on its consequences.

32. Great.

33. The one time you actually remember something from class.

34. Maybe I was brought here by mistake, but since we've been here,

35. I just tried to stay out of everyone's way.

36. Chidi's done worse stuff than me.

37. He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!

38. I was trying to stop you from doing it!

39. Yeah, but you did it. He who smelt it murdered Janet.

40. Well, it's settled then.

41. Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.

42. For the last time, my name is Jason,

43. not Jianyu, the amazing and incredible monk.

44. Which is why you belong in The Bad Place.

45. And by the way, Janet is not your wife, or your soulmate.

46. - There's a Janet in every neighborhood. - Well, I'm in love with this Janet.

47. We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff which almost turned out to be sex,

48. - and we were married in a legal ceremony. - It was not legal.

49. Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.

50. What? But...

51. I'm not going. I don't wanna.

52. Well, I don't wanna either, but let's face it.

53. Chidi and Tahani are better people than we are.

54. We tried to improve ourselves and we did a good job.

55. Well, I did a good job.

56. You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands.

57. - I could never do that on Earth.

58. This place truly is paradise.

59. Whispering away like two beefeaters on a tea break.

60. - I bet they're plotting against us. - No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.

61. You do have feelings for her, don't you?

62. Yes.

63. But no. Please don't make me think about this again. My brain will break.

64. I'm sorry, it's just that I have certain feelings for you.

65. I don't mean to contribute to your misery, it's just that I'm frightened.

66. I don't have an actual soulmate.

67. What's gonna happen to me when Jason and Fake Eleanor go

68. - and you're off with Real Eleanor?

69. Whither Tahani?

70. Okay, team meeting.

71. Jason has agreed that the two of us should go.

72. Bye, Tahani.

73. Sorry for everything.

74. After I'm gone, you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole.

75. Thank you.

76. I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.

77. I will not.

78. It is literally impossible for me to do that.

79. Well, it's been real, dawg.

80. Sorry, that's how I ended most of my serious relationships.

81. Yeah. Mmm, that checks out.

82. I feel like I failed you.

83. No. Don't ever think that.

84. I was dropped into a cave, and you were my flashlight.

85. Oh!

86. Goodbye forever.

87. I will miss you so much.

88. Ugh. I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.

89. All right. Ready to go? Let's grab Michael.

90. Come in.

91. Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

92. Um, I'm going to The Bad Place. I'm taking one of the slots.

93. - What? - Awesome.

94. Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here. Why would you go?

95. Everyone here is supposed to have a soulmate,

96. and my soulmate doesn't love me.

97. I don't know if you love the other Eleanor or Tahani or someone else,

98. but you don't love me, which means that this

99. will never really be my Good Place.

100. I'm going, so you only have to choose one more person.

101. Okay, that means...

102. What does that mean?

103. It means...

104. I get to stay here with my wife forever! We did it, Eleanor!

105. USA! USA! USA!

106. This is a real mess, huh?

107. No matter what they decide, I'd bet you're gonna be

108. in pretty hot water with your boss.

109. Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table.

110. Retirement?

111. Of course, what do I know?

112. I'm just The All-Knowing Judge of All Matters in the Afterlife.

113. But face it, this is your mistake.

114. Morning, Mike. - Morning, Val.

115. Oh. Which one's which? I always forget.

116. Black is regular, orange is anti-matter.

117. Working on your first solo design, right?

118. How's it coming?

119. Do you ever get the feeling we could be doing it all differently?

120. I mean, it's always the same. We get the names,

121. come up with the design, they arrive, we move on to the next one.

122. We never even get to be there to see how fun it is.

123. Yeah, I guess,

124. but don't rock the boat here, pal, just try to do a good job.

125. Mmm. French vanilla?

126. Regular anti-matter's fine. Why flavor it?

127. A good job.

128. All right, nerds, let's just get this over with.

129. I'll go to The Bad Place with Real Eleanor,

130. - and you three can stay. Yes!

131. We get to stay, baby! We did it!

132. Wait, no. You're not going.

133. I am.

134. - What? - Why?

135. Real Eleanor is my soulmate or was my soulmate

136. and she's only going down there because she thinks that I don't love her.

137. - Do you? - I don't know.

138. Please don't ask me that. My stomach hurts.

139. The point is, if she's going down there because of me,

140. I'll never be at peace.

141. - Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it! - No, this is bonkers.

142. - I am going. End of story. - No, I'm going. End of everything.

143. What? Now you're trying to replace Chidi?

144. No. I'm going to replace Real Eleanor. Chidi and I are going to go together,

145. which means that you and Real Eleanor and Jason can stay.

146. Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!

147. Look, I love you and I think you love me.

148. We can be together, away from everyone else.

149. Obviously, we'll be miserable,

150. but I truly believe our love will make us happy.

151. Okay, you realize The Bad Place is not some sort of couples retreat, right?

152. If it is, Janet and I would like to go.

153. Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.

154. - Hey, that's racist! - Not a robot.

155. Oh, you have some nerve.

156. - Guys?

157. Guys!

158. Holy motherforking shirtballs.

159. What?

160. Wow!

161. Okay, okay.

162. Whoo!

163. Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out!

164. Is everything okay?

165. Right as rain, Mikey, my boy.

166. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to The Bad Place.

167. - What? - Trust me, I've got this.

168. That's our decision. Let's hit it.

169. Well, what about Real Eleanor?

170. No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.

171. Point of order. I don't accept this offer.

172. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

173. Ga-ga-ga-ga. You said any two of us.

174. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

175. Michael! I just found an obscure precedent

176. in the rules that might just save everyone.

177. Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.

178. Oh, okay.

179. Ready when you are, boss.

180. Eleanor, what's going on?

181. It took me a while to figure it out,

182. but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other

183. and each one of us demanding we should go to The Bad Place,

184. I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture."

185. And then it hit me.

186. They're never gonna call a train to take us to The Bad Place.

187. The can't, because we're already here.

188. This is The Bad Place.

189. Oh, man!

190. I can't believe you figured it out.

191. Oh, God!

192. You, you ruined everything, you know that?

193. Oh, man.

194. Eleanor, you really suck!

195. - I was so close to pulling it off!

196. Sorry. So she's right?

197. Yeah, she figured it out.

198. No, this doesn't make any sense.

199. - This is paradise. - Oh, it looks like paradise,

200. but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties.

201. I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me.

202. Just me being here forced Chidi into an ethical "clusterfork."

203. Tahani tortured Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk,

204. Jason tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover,

205. which was torture for Chidi, because he was responsible for me,

206. which made Chidi seem like the perfect soulmate,

207. and that tortured Tahani because he didn't love her.

208. - You don't love me? - Please, don't ask me that right now.

209. See?

210. We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived,

211. and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable.

212. - He played us like a fiddle. - Oh, dip!

213. Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.

214. Oh, yeah.

215. - You did! Great job, man.

216. Chidi, don't go!

217. I don't care if you don't love me, I love you.

218. It's the only thing that makes any sense to me in this crazy world,

219. - and I think we should stay— - No, stop, Vicky. They figured it out.

220. - They... - They know this is The Bad Place.

221. Eleanor figured it out.

222. Ugh, man!

223. This was supposed to be my big moment.

224. I just rehearsed that speech for, like, three hours.

225. Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst,

226. and you can all suck it.

227. - Do you remember what I told you

228. when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?

229. The time has come to innovate.

230. The human afterlife can be more fun.

231. For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing.

232. Who cares about those dummies?

233. I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment.

234. Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable.

235. I am going to design an afterlife

236. where they torture each other.

237. We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other.

238. Even getting them to do simple things

239. like pulling out each other's teeth is like...

240. I can't think of the right analogy.

241. Uh, what makes you think that you can get them to do this?

242. Because they won't even know that they are doing it.

243. I'm going to make them think that they are in The Good Place,

244. and to make sure that they drive each other insane,

245. I will be there, posing as a Good Place architect.

246. - What?

247. I even stole a Good Place Janet we can use.

248. Look,

249. we can just send them all to the hot spike pits with the lava and the bees

250. and the lightning that tears off their flesh.

251. Let's try something new.

252. I cannot predict everything that's gonna happen,

253. but we'll improvise.

254. We'll be on our toes.

255. I think that we can get them to torture each other...

256. For 1,000 years.

257. I think you'd be lucky to get six months out of this insane gambit.

258. But take me through it. How would this work, exactly?

259. Oh. Yes, all right, so...

260. - This is a 14 million-point plan.

261. Um... Oh. Sorry.

262. I thought we reserved the conference room.

263. No, Todd, we have it until 3:00.

264. Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

265. So, everyone else in this neighborhood—

266. Except for you four,

267. everyone in this neighborhood is one of us.

268. After I came up with everyone's characters,

269. we'd just create fun scenarios designed to torture you.

270. How can I be over it? We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days.

271. Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice vacation from your full-time job.

272. Get your story straight.

273. Okay.

274. They're at each other's throats already. This should put them over the top.

275. - Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye. - Ooh.

276. I know. Tracy, you're his soulmate,

277. Nina, a marriage counselor.

278. Maybe we can get them to swing with us.

279. That's perfect, perfect!

280. Hey, guys? It's Michael!

281. That was really a fun time.

282. Then it all started to go off the rails.

283. When I confessed.

284. You had no idea I was gonna do that,

285. because honestly, I had no idea I was gonna do that.

286. Yeah, that came out of nowhere.

287. I mean, after that, it was just a crazy scramble for all of us.

288. You know, I, I definitely underestimated

289. how effective Chidi was gonna be teaching you to be good,

290. and obviously, we didn't anticipate that Janet would fall in love with Jason.

291. Hang on. That part is real.

292. Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.

293. No, she's sort of a... Foundational mainframe

294. for all of the neighborhoods, good and bad.

295. And apparently, this Janet is in love with Jason.

296. I mean... What a world, huh?

297. Wait, I don't get something.

298. I know why Jason and I were sent here, but why Tahani?

299. Oh, yeah. Didn't you raise, like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever?

300. Uh, 60 billion, actually, so.

301. Oh.

302. But it didn't matter...

303. Because my motivations were corrupt.

304. I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for.

305. I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,

306. stick it to my sister,

307. get fame and attention.

308. My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball.

309. Which I did.

310. Couple of times, actually.

311. But wait, why is Chidi here?

312. Well, uh...

313. There's something you don't know about me.

314. I read an article saying that growing almonds

315. was bad for the environment, and yet I continued to use

316. - almond milk in my coffee— - No, dingus!

317. You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.

318. Oh, fork!

319. You're right.

320. Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts

321. because I couldn't do anything.

322. I missed my mom's back surgery

323. because I had already promised my landlord's nephew

324. that I would help him figure out his new phone.

325. I made everyone miserable.

326. I mean, all this hard work, all the planning,

327. all for nothing.

328. This really sucks.

329. No, it doesn't.

330. This is wonderful.

331. You saw us all on Earth,

332. a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic,

333. a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...

334. Side note, I might legit be into Tahani.

335. But that's for another time.

336. You thought we would torture each other,

337. and we did for a little,

338. but we also took care of each other.

339. We improved each other,

340. and the four of us became a team.

341. So, the only thing you succeeded in doing

342. was bringing us all together.

343. Oh, Eleanor. That's it!

344. My big mistake was bringing you all together,

345. having you be soulmates living next to each other.

346. Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.

347. - Uh, next time? Yeah.

348. Yeah, I'm gonna, uh, erase your memories,

349. you know, make a few changes and start over again.

350. Hopefully. Just gotta get the boss man to sign off.

351. Wish me luck.

352. Guys, we need a plan. Quick.

353. Tahani, anything?

354. Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.

355. I can't. I can't.

356. Jason? - What? What's up?

357. Ugh!

358. What do you say? Take two, huh?

359. I don't know.

360. I mean, what is this? All this work for four people.

361. Look, for a first attempt it was actually very promising.

362. Let me, let me just tinker a little, try again.

363. Okay.

364. But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.

365. If this thing goes sideways again, you are done.

366. Guys, he is going to erase our memories at any second

367. and all of this will have been for nothing.

368. You're useless!

369. What do I write? What do I write?

370. Ooh, come on, brain.

371. Janet?

372. You can't eat anything, right?

373. - Correct. - Open up.

374. All right, let's try again, shall we?

375. You know what, bro? Do your worst.

376. We figured it out once, we can do it again,

377. because you know what, Michael?

378. - Ya bas—

379. Eleanor, come on in.

380. You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

381. Cool.

382. You know the way you feel when you see

383. a chimpanzee and a baby tiger who've become friends?

384. That's how you're going to feel every day.

385. Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.

386. I'm your soulmate.

387. Cool. Bring it in, man.

388. So where are you from, Chris?

389. I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey, and I was a mailman.

390. Really?

391. Chris, you'll stand by me no matter what, right?

392. Hold that thought. Is it okay if I go work out?

393. I love working out. I gotta stay jacked, it's who I am.

394. Yeah, you gotta.

395. Once I'm back, we'll get to know each other.

396. Great.

397. - See ya soon.

398. - Hi, there.

399. - Who are you? - I'm Janet.

400. I think this is yours.

401. After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.

402. What?

403. What the fork is a "Chidi"?

404. Why can't I say "fork"?