The Good Place 1x12

1. - Ow! What the hell? - Walk it off, Lululemon.

2. "Live every day like it's your last..."

3. Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.

4. Ma'am? It's, uh, $132.21.

5. - So, big plans this weekend? - Yep.

6. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube,

7. drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw

8. until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

9. Hi, there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

10. No. Buzz off, whale-humper.

11. You know, I see you here all the time,

12. and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.

13. It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight,

14. I literally forget you exist.

15. Watch. You exist. You don't exist.

16. You're bothering me. Don't care if you die.

17. - See? - Why are you like this?

18. Excuse me? Why am I like this?

19. You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like.

20. Look what you made me do, jag-off.

21. Oh, my God, look out!

22. Oh-oh.

23. Oh, good, you're awake.

24. Can I ask you a question about where we're going?

25. Sure.

26. - Where are we going? I forgot.

27. We're going somewhere that's not The Good Place,

28. and it's not The Bad Place.

29. We're going to a Medium Place.

30. Hmm. Is there a 7-Eleven on the way? 'Cause Janet's powers aren't working,

31. and I want some gum, and some football cards, and some scratchy tickets.

32. - Go away from me. - Okay.

33. Can this train go any faster, Janet?

34. No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured

35. for all of eternity if we get caught.

36. Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house.

37. It'll be our sexy little secret.

38. Jason taught me about sexy things.

39. Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

40. Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram,

41. girls with pigtails eating lollipops,

42. latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.

43. Hmm. Some of those are right.

44. I'm here to preside over case number 00003

45. regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop.

46. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.

47. What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically,

48. um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirtbag, and these jabronis

49. are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirtbag now,

50. but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad.

51. And she belongs with us.

52. Oh, also, check this out.

53. Nailed it.

54. I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.

55. What I will consider is the recent development

56. - of Eleanor stealing my train. - Now, hold on a second.

57. She stole your train to voluntarily go down to The Bad Place.

58. She was sacrificing herself because she is a wonderful, selfless...

59. No, don't... Oh!

60. - What's happening? - I should have warned you.

61. Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.

62. If he detects any feelings in your voice, he retreats into a cocoon,

63. so what we need to do now is just be very still and very quiet.

64. Finally.

65. - Oh, come... - What did he just say?

66. Oh, because you're all so perfect.

67. Wow.

68. This is truly nothing.

69. - So where does this Mindy St. Clair live? I don't know.

70. I'm out of range of our neighborhood. I don't have

71. - any of my normal abilities here. - Perfect.

72. Well, let's try this way.

73. Mmm. I've never had to walk before. This is fun.

74. Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.

75. Well, given that she's the only person

76. in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this is the pl...

77. Oh! She's naked!

78. - Oh, sorry!

79. Who are you?

80. I'm Janet.

81. Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie.

82. I'm from The Good Place, and welcome to your first day

83. - in the afterlife. - What's up, idiot?

84. Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?

85. That's not possible. - Congrats.

86. Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked,

87. but then you did this one good thing.

88. I mean, I still think we should get you—

89. They didn't, but neither did we.

90. A compromise was made,

91. the neighborhood you are in now by yourself.

92. You submitted a list of things you wanted, The Good Place provided those things.

93. Yeah, and The Bad Place made some modifications.

94. - We got you your favorite beer. - Yeah, but it's always warm.

95. On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.

96. Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions.

97. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner.

98. It's deeply terrible.

99. You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity.

100. - Welcome to The Medium Place. - So what's up?

101. What's your deal? Are you single? What's going on?

102. Sorry about before. One of the perks of living alone

103. is that I get to just walk around naked.

104. My kind of gal.

105. And I gotta say, you keep it tight.

106. Oh, that is the nicest and only thing anyone has said to me in 30 years.

107. So tell us everything.

108. I mean, what did you do to end up here?

109. That's kind of a long story.

110. Gonna need a drink or three.

111. Definitely my kind of gal.

112. You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's honeymoon,

113. so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.

114. So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s.

115. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine

116. and I was pretty crappy to my family as well.

117. But one night, I had an epiphany, right?

118. I needed to do something good with my life.

119. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world,

120. would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture,

121. and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.

122. You were pretty coked-up, huh?

123. Oh, yeah, man. I was flying high. It was so awesome.

124. But you're not gonna believe this, I followed through.

125. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank,

126. I withdrew my life savings,

127. - and I was gonna start that charity. - Good for you!

128. And then I immediately fell into subway tracks

129. - and was electrocuted by the third rail. - Ooh.

130. Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me.

131. 'Cause I love cocaine.

132. Do you have any? I'm just... I shouldn't... Do you?

133. - No. - Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just...

134. I was just kidding. It was just a joke.

135. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now?

136. - Are you okay? - Anyway, so after I died,

137. uh, my sister found my plan, and, uh, she used my money

138. to start the Mindy St. Clair Rescue Alliance, yeah.

139. It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world.

140. Oh, so the question was, did you get credit

141. for all those good person points or not?

142. Exactly. I don't know how long my case was pending or whatever,

143. but when I woke up, the two sides had been fighting about me for a long time.

144. Like a stripper over that

145. last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean.

146. But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know?

147. - Well, it beats being tortured. - Hmm.

148. I was about to turn myself in.

149. No.

150. Yeah, there's no time for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.

151. This is about survival. You gotta look out for number one.

152. Right, well, we don't have proof that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.

153. Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you!

154. Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.

155. Oh, I know you've only worked here a few weeks,

156. but we have this little office tradition where we all pitch in, and then we—

157. Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know what kind of cake I like.

158. Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week, and if I let you give me a cake,

159. that means I gotta pitch in to get Lisa a cake

160. and sing to her and wear one of those dumb hats

161. you all are wearing right now. No, thanks.

162. This way, I don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything. Later.

163. What were we talking about?

164. What is her deal? Why is she like this?

165. I don't know, but the meaner she is, the more it turns me on. Is that weird?

166. - You're my boss. - Oh, say that to me again,

167. but more disgusted with me, like I'm a worm.

168. Eleanor was supposed to be in The Bad Place,

169. arrived here by accident,

170. assumed another person's identity, and has now escaped.

171. Is that the whole story?

172. Well, no. Someone else was sent here by mistake.

173. His name is Jason Mendoza, and I believe he's on the train with Eleanor.

174. You knew about Jason?

175. Yes, I know that he's a fake

176. and that he's married to Janet

177. and that this entire neighborhood is...

178. What's the human expression?

179. Uh, yes, a smokin' hot turd.

180. I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.

181. For now, I will hear your arguments for why

182. Fake Eleanor Shellstrop should stay in The Good Place.

183. We can do this, but we must remain emotionless.

184. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet"

185. level of emotionless here, all right?

186. Begin.

187. Eleanor dedicated herself to the study of ethics.

188. I was blown away by her capacity for self-improvement.

189. Eleanor is a magnificent person who has grown tremendously in her time here.

190. Please, I'm begging you, please.

191. Voluntarily heading to The Bad Place proves

192. that she is a selfless person.

193. Sorry. I'm getting choked up.

194. Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself

195. and heading to The Bad Place would be a point in her favor.

196. However, I've just received word that Eleanor is not currently

197. in The Bad Place. We have no idea where she is.

198. - Well, what the... - What?

199. Fork!

200. I will now review Eleanor's memories.

201. Her memories? As in, all the things

202. - she's done on Earth? - Mmm.

203. But perhaps we could take a little break first.

204. You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.

205. I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years, so I'm good.

206. Call up the screen for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.

207. Where should we begin, "Waiters Screamed At"

208. or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman from Spin Class"?

209. Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something?

210. Uh, no, I kind of have my own private time routine.

211. I thought you'd want company after being here alone for so long.

212. - No. - Okay, I get it.

213. Hey, uh, where did you get that?

214. That's not one of my books.

215. I only have Anne Rice vampire novels with water stains,

216. and I've cut words out of most of them to make pornography.

217. My friend in The Good Place gave it to me when he was teaching me ethics.

218. - It reminds me of him.

219. Look, if you wanna survive,

220. you have to forget what you left behind. Take that whole experience,

221. crumple it up, throw it in the garbage can.

222. Okay. Instead of reading,

223. I will watch this VHS copy of Cannonball Run II.

224. Or maybe the making of Cannonball Run II.

225. - Wow. Very medium. - Yeah.

226. Hey, you two lovebirds figure out how to have sex yet?

227. No. We tried for two hours,

228. but there was just a lot of, like, bumping into each other.

229. It was weird.

230. This ain't your Bar Mitzvah anymore, bitch.

231. It's my 24th birthday! What! Hot tiara, girl.

232. That was "The Crashing and Subsequent Destruction

233. "of Vanessa Garcia's quinceañera."

234. Let's move on to another event.

235. "Heckling of Mall Santas"?

236. "Lifetime Ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?

237. "Brief Instagram Flirtation with Kid Rock"? Oh, no.

238. This is getting away from us. We need to do something quickly.

239. Yeah, Judge, request permission to speak somewhat emotionally?

240. Ugh. Fine.

241. Dramamine.

242. Helps with the nausea. Proceed.

243. Okay, look, I know, obviously, these memories aren't great.

244. I was particularly disturbed by "Started Fire in Mailbox

245. "to Get Mailman to Take Off Shirt,"

246. but that was the old Eleanor. She changed.

247. She worked, and she studied, and she got better.

248. And it wasn't just self-preservation, it was real self-improvement.

249. I made the decision to help Eleanor that first week, and I'm glad I did.

250. Because she's worth it.

251. I, too, helped Eleanor.

252. Not as much as Chidi, surely,

253. but my help was more friendship and sorely needed fashion advice.

254. Eleanor deserves to stay.

255. Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached.

256. Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are.

257. Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person.

258. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth.

259. She deserves to be in The Bad Place.

260. - Oh. - As concerning Jason Mendoza,

261. I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest—

262. Oh, he's from Florida?

263. Yeah, he belongs in The Bad Place.

264. No, but how do you intend to enforce this ruling?

265. - You have no idea where they are. - Bad Janet?

266. What's up, fork nuts?

267. Engage walkie-talkie protocol.

268. What if you're here, and I'm like this?

269. Yes, that may work.

270. Whoa. What is happening?

271. Is she having an orgasm? Did I do it somehow?

272. Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza.

273. This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings

274. Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name's Shawn.

275. We do not know where you are, but hope you are receiving this message.

276. You have been found to be the rightful property of The Bad Place.

277. Either return to your original neighborhood,

278. or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye and Tahani Al-Jamil

279. will go to The Bad Place in your stead.

280. What? - You have four hours. Goodbye.

281. Your Honor, please, Chidi and Tahani are completely innocent.

282. They are not completely innocent. They told me so themselves.

283. They aided and abetted two criminals, one of whom was a DJ.

284. They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani to The Bad Place?

285. We're off the hook, this is amazing!

286. Babe, we are going to be trying to make love all night long.

287. We don't have to go back, though. They just said.

288. We can't let Tahani and Chidi go to The Bad Place. They're our friends.

289. We literally owe it to them.

290. If they're really our "friends",

291. then why aren't they here with us right "now"?

292. Because we ran away. Are you...

293. Does your brain work, actually?

294. Do you have a functioning head?

295. I think he has a good point.

296. I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.

297. How can you say that?

298. Think practically here.

299. Okay, you go back, you turn yourself in, you get sent to The Bad Place,

300. and you never see your friends again.

301. Or you stay here, you're safe from The Bad Place,

302. and you never see your friends again.

303. It's the same results,

304. except if you stay here, you don't get tortured.

305. - But they do. - That's their problem.

306. Your problem is whether you get tortured.

307. Now if you'll excuse me,

308. it's my masturbating time.

309. When isn't it? We're going back.

310. - But— - Now.

311. Can we even make it there in time?

312. I believe so, though it'll be close.

313. - Where's Jason? Heads up!

314. Sorry, Eleanor, but I can't let us leave.

315. Bortles!

316. No!

317. What are you doing, you goon?

318. Trying to blow up the train.

319. Blowing stuff up got me out of so many jams on Earth.

320. Let me try again. Do you have another bottle?

321. Hi, there. Since there's no Janet here to serve you,

322. I brought you two a little treat.

323. - Uh, kind of like a last meal. - Not like a last meal,

324. just the... The final food you might ever eat.

325. I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in The Bad Place.

326. Being forced to wear a...

327. A knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

328. - That's what you think Hell is?

329. Janet, please, we have to go.

330. I won't start the train until my husband says it's okay.

331. I'm sorry, Eleanor, but I engaged a ride-or-die protocol

332. so I'm loyal to Jason forever.

333. Buddy...

334. Come on, we gotta go.

335. I don't wanna go to The Bad Place. It's scary, like the movie Ratatouille.

336. - What? - Yo, I ain't trying

337. to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair

338. to get me to do stuff.

339. I'm scared, too.

340. But we can't just abandon our friends and let them take the fall for us.

341. Sure we can. It would be so easy to do that.

342. We'd just go back to Mindy's house, chill out—

343. I'd get used to room-temperature beer.

344. Me and Janet keep trying to solve the problem

345. of how to have sex, which could take years.

346. Let's just pretend that we didn't hear the Janet walkie-talkie message.

347. No, it's time to own up, dude.

348. I spent my whole life acting like Mindy, me first, no matter what,

349. and it literally took dying and being around a bunch of good people

350. to realize that I was kind of a nightmare.

351. - Why were you like that? - Well...

352. Let me tell you about Doug and Donna Shellstrop.

353. Hey, Dad, just a warning, Mom's gonna be here in a second.

354. Your mother's coming? Oh, boy, hide the silverware.

355. You mean the silverware

356. - you stole from Mom?

357. Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back.

358. I drove here as fast as I could. You scored free WrestleMania tickets?

359. There are no tickets, Mom. I knew that was the only way I could get you here.

360. A-ha! Burn.

361. Eleanor, just because your father and I are divorced

362. does not mean you can disrespect me like this, okay?

363. We are a family.

364. Whose birthday is it?

365. - Mine. Are you serious? No way.

366. That was a BS foul on Chapman.

367. And since you both forgot, again, which means

368. you definitely didn't get me a present, again,

369. I got myself something. I just need you to sign it.

370. Emancipation papers? Honey!

371. What does "emancipation" mean?

372. It means I'll be on my own.

373. All my life, I've been taking care of myself and you guys.

374. I work two after-school jobs because you blew

375. half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail.

376. So irresponsible.

377. And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.

378. It was so stupid. He was already guilty, dumb-ass.

379. I've been on my own for a while now anyway,

380. and after you sign these papers, it'll be official.

381. I won't owe you anything, you won't owe me anything.

382. Well, if you want me to sign... Oh, that's a joint.

383. Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?

384. You're a really interesting person, Eleanor.

385. We should hang out sometime.

386. Wow, your parents sucked.

387. Yeah, they did.

388. And I've been using their crappy parenting as an excuse

389. for my selfish behavior all my life.

390. No more.

391. We know what's right here. We have to go back.

392. Ride-or-die.

393. Time is up.

394. In preparation for your trip to The Bad Place,

395. please put on these fedoras.

396. Oh, no.

397. Well, no use delaying the inevitable.

398. - We surrender. Together.

399. Chidi, Tahani, we're back to save your souls.

400. Real weird vibe in here.

401. Was definitely expecting some applause.

402. You're too late. You... You missed the cut-off.

403. But we're here. We came here as fast as we could, and we're here.

404. So...

405. Now what?

406. What is the most logical decision?

407. I made my initial ruling.

408. I established a deadline. The deadline was missed.

409. Now the original perpetrators are here.

410. Ugh.

411. This is exhausting.

412. I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep.

413. The Bad Place is owed two people.

414. In my opinion, which is an objective fact in this case

415. and all cases always and forever,

416. you have all done bad things since you arrived here.

417. Therefore, I don't care which two of you go.

418. You can decide. You have 30 minutes.