The Good Place 1x1

1. Eleanor? Come on in.

2. Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael.

3. How are you today?

4. I'm great. Thanks for asking.

5. Oh, one question. Where am I?

6. Who are you, and what's going on?

7. Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

8. Your life on Earth has ended,

9. and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.

10. Cool. Cool. I have some questions.

11. Thought you might.

12. How did I die? I don't remember.

13. Yes, um, in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths,

14. we erase the memory to allow for a peaceful transition.

15. Are you sure you want to hear?

16. All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot.

17. You dropped a bottle of something called, "Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One."

18. And when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts

19. that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area

20. rolled out of control and plowed right into you.

21. - Oof. That's how I died? - No, sorry, there's more.

22. You were able to grab on to the front of the column of shopping carts,

23. but it'd swept you right out into the street

24. where you were struck and killed

25. by a mobile billboard truck advertising

26. an erectile dysfunction pill called "Engorge-ulate."

27. Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours—

28. Okay, that's... I get it, thank you.

29. - Oh, okay, sorry. - Um, so who was right?

30. I mean about all of this?

31. Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right,

32. Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists,

33. every religion guessed about 5%,

34. - except for Doug Forcett. - Who's Doug Forcett?

35. Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s.

36. One night, he got really high on mushrooms,

37. and his best friend, Randy, said,

38. "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?"

39. And Doug just launched into this long monologue

40. where he got like 92% correct.

41. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing.

42. That's him, actually, right up there.

43. He's pretty famous around here.

44. I'm very lucky to have that.

45. - So...

46. Maybe my biggest question. Am I...

47. I mean, is this...

48. Or...

49. Well, it's not the heaven-or-hell idea that you were raised on.

50. But generally speaking, in the afterlife,

51. there's a Good Place and there's a Bad Place.

52. You're in The Good Place.

53. - You're okay, Eleanor.

54. You're in The Good Place.

55. Well, that's good.

56. Sure is.

57. Okay, let's take a walk, shall we?

58. Oh, did I have a purse? No, I'm dead, right. Okay.

59. So, this is how it works.

60. The Good Place is divided into distinct neighborhoods.

61. Each one contains exactly 322 people

62. who have been perfectly selected

63. to blend together into a blissful harmonic balance.

64. Do all the neighborhoods look like this?

65. No, every neighborhood is unique. Some have warm weather, some cold.

66. Some are cities, some farmland.

67. But in each one, every blade of grass,

68. every ladybug, every detail has been

69. precisely designed and calibrated for its residents.

70. There's a lot of frozen yogurt places.

71. Yeah.

72. That's the one thing we put in all the neighborhoods.

73. People love frozen yogurt. I don't know what to tell you.

74. You're gonna have a million more questions, I know.

75. For right now, better grab a seat.

76. Movie's about to begin.

77. Ah. Hello, everyone.

78. And welcome to your first day in the afterlife.

79. You were all, simply put, good people.

80. But how do we know that you were good?

81. How are we sure?

82. During your time on Earth, every one of your actions

83. had a positive or a negative value,

84. depending on how much good or bad that action put into the universe.

85. Every sandwich you ate, every time you bought a magazine,

86. every single thing you did

87. had an effect that rippled out over time

88. and ultimately created some amount of good or bad.

89. You know how some people pull into the breakdown lane

90. when there's traffic?

91. And they think to themselves, "Ah, who cares? No one's watching."

92. We were watching.

93. Surprise!

94. Anyway, when your time on Earth has ended,

95. we calculate the total value of your life

96. using our perfectly accurate measuring system.

97. Only the people with the very highest scores,

98. the true cream of the crop,

99. get to come here, to The Good Place.

100. What happens to everyone else, you ask?

101. Don't worry about it.

102. The point is, you are here because you lived one of the very best lives

103. that could be lived.

104. And you won't be alone. Your true soulmate is here too.

105. - That's right.

106. Soulmates are real.

107. One of the other people in your neighborhood

108. is your actual soulmate, and you will spend eternity together.

109. So welcome to eternal happiness.

110. Welcome to The Good Place.

111. Sponsored by...

112. Otters holding hands while they sleep.

113. You know the way you feel when you see

114. a picture of two otters holding hands?

115. That's how you're gonna feel every day.

116. So who is in The Bad Place that would shock me?

117. Uh... Well, Mozart, Picasso, Elvis,

118. basically every artist ever,

119. uh, every US president except Lincoln.

120. That sounds about right. What about Florence Nightingale?

121. It was close, but, no, she didn't make it.

122. Wow, all those amazing people down there, it just seems so hard to believe.

123. Again, it's an incredibly selective system.

124. Most people don't make it here.

125. But you, a lawyer who got innocent people off death row,

126. you're special, Eleanor.

127. And by the way, welcome to your new home.

128. You see, in The Good Place,

129. every person gets to live in a home that perfectly matches his or her true essence.

130. Cool.

131. So I guess that's why my house, for example,

132. is this adorable little cottage,

133. whereas other people might have homes that are bigger,

134. like that one.

135. Exactly. Oh, I'm so happy you get it.

136. As you can see, the interior has been decorated just as you like it,

137. in the Icelandic primitive style.

138. Oh, oh, and, uh, of course, you love clowns, so...

139. I do love clowns.

140. Now, let me show you the, uh, the video system here.

141. You can review everything that happened in your life

142. from your point of view.

143. There we go.

144. This is your human rights mission to the Ukraine.

145. I mean, you got a ton of points for that one.

146. It really put you over the top.

147. Oh.

148. Chidi, come on in.

149. Eleanor? I'm Chidi Anagonye,

150. and you are my soulmate.

151. Cool! Bring it in, man.

152. Now, excuse me. I have other people to attend to.

153. So where you from, Chidi?

154. Well, I was born in Nigeria, raised in Senegal,

155. but my work took me all over the place.

156. Australia, Hong Kong, Paris.

157. What about you?

158. Uh, well, I... I was born in Phoenix.

159. - Mmm-hmm. - Arizona.

160. And then I went to school in Tempe, Arizona.

161. And then I moved back to Phoenix, Arizona.

162. Your English is amazing.

163. Oh! I'm actually speaking French.

164. This place just translates whatever you say

165. into a language the other person can understand.

166. - So it's incredible. - Whoa.

167. - And now I want to say this. - Mmm-kay.

168. Eleanor.

169. I have spent my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe.

170. And now we can actually learn about them together as soulmates.

171. It's overwhelming.

172. Chidi. You'll stand by my side no matter what, right?

173. - Of course I will. - Promise me. Say, "I promise

174. I will never betray you for any reason."

175. Eleanor, I swear

176. that I will never say or do anything

177. to cause you any harm.

178. Good.

179. Because those aren't my memories.

180. I wasn't a lawyer. I never went to the Ukraine.

181. I hate clowns.

182. There's been a big mistake.

183. I'm not supposed to be here.

184. Wait, what?

185. Are you sure this isn't you?

186. Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure I wasn't a death-row lawyer

187. who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans.

188. They got my name right, but nothing else.

189. I mean, somebody royally forked up.

190. Somebody forked up.

191. Why can't I say "fork"?

192. If you're trying to curse, you can't here.

193. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood

194. don't like it, so it's prohibited.

195. That's bull-shirt.

196. So, if you're not this person, then who are you?

197. What did you do for a living?

198. I was... In...

199. Sales.

200. So we sell two products here, NasaPRO and NasaPRO Silver.

201. We aim this at seniors.

202. Now, you can't legally call it "medicine"

203. because it doesn't technically work

204. and it is technically chalk, so what you're gonna want to do—

205. You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake medicine.

206. I get it, man. Which one's my desk?

207. So your job was to defraud the elderly...

208. Sorry, the sick and elderly?

209. But I was very good at it.

210. I was the top salesperson five years running.

211. Okay, but that's worse.

212. I mean, you, you do get how that's worse,

213. right?

214. You know, maybe it's a test.

215. Maybe if you go to Michael and you tell him the truth,

216. you'll pass the test

217. - and you'll get to stay. - No way.

218. I can't risk going to The Bad Place.

219. Okay, well, maybe it's not actually, like, all that bad.

220. Let's just get some information first.

221. We'll ask Janet. Hey, Janet?

222. - Hi there.

223. How can I help you?

224. What the fork? Who are you?

225. I'm Janet.

226. I'm the informational assistant here in The Good Place.

227. She's like this walking database.

228. You can ask her about the creation of the universe, or history—

229. Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002.

230. His name was Kevin Paltonic.

231. - Is he gay? - No.

232. Really?

233. Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.

234. That's correct.

235. Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.

236. - Yes, you were. - Okay, Janet, I have a question.

237. - Okay. - What is The Bad Place like?

238. Oh, sorry, that is the one topic I'm not allowed to tell you about.

239. I can only play you a brief audio clip of what is happening there right now.

240. Okay.

241. The bear has two mouths!

242. Well, it doesn't sound awesome.

243. Does everyone have a huge house except me?

244. All right, we need a plan.

245. I say we just lie low and hope that they don't notice me.

246. I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you.

247. I just don't like being dishonest,

248. and I can't advise you to be dishonest either.

249. Come on, I'm just asking you to fudge a little bit.

250. You must've told a few white lies in your life.

251. I mean, what was your job?

252. I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.

253. Mother-forker!

254. - I'm getting a stomachache.

255. I'm in a perfect utopia,

256. and I'm... I have a stomachache. This is awful.

257. I, uh... I think I have to tell Michael about this.

258. Tell Michael about what?

259. Michael? Hi.

260. What have you been up to?

261. Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu.

262. They are soulmates and your next-door neighbors.

263. Hello.

264. Can I just say I love your house?

265. It's just so tiny and cute.

266. It's like a little child's plaything, like for a family of mice

267. or for a very fancy little dog.

268. I love it. It's just so sweet and teensy.

269. Just like you. Boop.

270. - Oh! - Oh!

271. You booped me.

272. - I did. - That's fun.

273. Tahani and Jianyu are having a little

274. welcome party tonight, and they've invited the entire neighborhood.

275. Oh, I simply adore entertaining.

276. Don't I just adore it, Jianyu?

277. Oh, yes, by the way, Jianyu here is a Buddhist monk, you see,

278. and he obeys a strict code of silence.

279. So when you see him smiling and nodding,

280. that's actually his way of jumping up and down with glee.

281. Isn't that right, darling?

282. So we'll see you tonight?

283. - Great. - Yes.

284. - No way.

285. My entire house could fit in this room.

286. Okay, uh...

287. Help me out here.

288. Tell me one good thing that you did on Earth,

289. just one truly kind and decent act

290. so that I can feel better about helping you out.

291. Uh...

292. Let's forget about good.

293. Um, just tell me something neutral about yourself.

294. Like, tell me about the day before you died.

295. What do you remember?

296. Hi there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

297. Do you have a second to eat my farts?

298. You missed.

299. Pick it up if you're so horny for the environment.

300. I don't remember anything specific.

301. - Oh... - Look.

302. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody.

303. I wasn't an arsonist.

304. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP

305. and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state

306. so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

307. Okay, that's really specific,

308. and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

309. All I'm saying is these people might be "good,"

310. but are they really that much better than me?

311. Well, I spent half my life in North Korea

312. fighting for women's rights and the other half in Saudi Arabia

313. fighting for gay rights.

314. So we said, "If the UN won't remove those land mines, we will."

315. And we dug up over a thousand unexploded land mines

316. from the area surrounding the orphanage.

317. Well, then he said,

318. "You can't give me both your kidneys, you'll die."

319. And I said, "But you will live."

320. And I know we just met on this bus ten minutes ago, but he seemed nice.

321. Oh, forget it. Heading to the bar!

322. Thank you, thank you.

323. You all know that I am the architect of this neighborhood.

324. But what you don't know is...

325. Golly, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but, um...

326. Oh, what the heck?

327. This is actually the very first neighborhood

328. that I have ever designed.

329. I had been an apprentice for over 200 years,

330. and my boss has finally given me my first solo project.

331. Yes!

332. Ah, ah, ah. Hold on there, ace.

333. Let me get more of them shrampies.

334. - Okay, easy. - What?

335. - They're for everybody, right? - Yes, exactly.

336. And you deserve a perfect world

337. because every single one of you

338. is a good person.

339. That's it for me. Back to you, Tahani.

340. - Bravo, Michael, bravo! - Thank you.

341. And I would just like to quickly say

342. if any of you would like to play tennis tonight,

343. we have 36 regulation grass tennis courts.

344. Such fun. Cheers.

345. Tahani, what a condescending bench.

346. - Okay, okay, okay, okay. - Am I right?

347. Why does she still have that British accent, right?

348. No one else here has an accent.

349. - She's choosing to have that accent.

350. "Oh, hello.

351. I am just a big, beautiful, utterly perfect cartoon giraffe."

352. Oh, okay. Okay. I think it's time to go home.

353. Wait, wait, wait. I just have to go upstairs

354. real quick and steal a bunch of gold stuff.

355. Okay, don't do that.

356. Don't do... No, Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.

357. Hello, creepy house that I hate.

358. Hello, one million clowns.

359. Why aren't there stairs here?

360. What kind of weirdo house is this?

361. Ooh.

362. Did you fill your bra with shrimp?

363. No.

364. Yes.

365. Whatever, it's freakin' heaven.

366. I'm sure they have plenty of shellfish.

367. That Tahani is a real butthead, huh?

368. Hey.

369. At least I can still say "butthead."

370. Oh, she is a butthead.

371. Found some pajamas.

372. Chidi... Chidi, Chidi?

373. I'm sorry that you had to deal with this...

374. It's okay.

375. It's not, though.

376. Do you think anybody cared that I died?

377. Maybe someone did. I don't know.

378. I was an only child.

379. My parents were divorced when I was a kid.

380. They were both crummy people, so they're probably...

381. In The Bad Place.

382. Maybe they're being used to torture each other.

383. - It would work.

384. I bet way more people cared that you died.

385. 'Cause you're a nice person.

386. You're a nice person, Chidi...

387. Anaconda.

388. - "Anagonye." - Aganocomonga.

389. "Anagonye."

390. - Ags... say it again. - "Anagonye."

391. - No, say what you said before. - I did. It's Anagonye.

392. - You just changed it. - I didn't change it, it's my name.

393. Argrugande. Ariana Grande.

394. That's a person.

395. I did it.

396. Good night.

397. Good night.

398. Well, that's terrifying.

399. That can't be good.

400. Oh, fork.

401. - Michael. - Hmm?

402. Is that giant, terrifying ladybug supposed to be there?

403. Ah. Well, great question, Tahani.

404. No. No, it's not.

405. I have no idea why any of this is happening or how to control it.

406. Should we run away then?

407. Yes.

408. Righto.

409. Chidi, Chidi! What's going on?

410. Why are there giant animals everywhere?

411. Do you hear Ariana Grande playing?

412. Why is everyone wearing blue and yellow?

413. You're not.

414. You're the only one who's not.

415. Eleanor, this is all happening because of you.

416. Oh, fork me.

417. Okay, okay. We don't know this is because of me.

418. Eleanor, this place is a perfectly made Swiss watch,

419. and you are a wrench in the gears.

420. Actually, you're a hammer, just smashing the gears into dust.

421. Oh, hang on. Not everybody here is perfect, okay?

422. Tahani is totally condescending.

423. And there are a couple of, you know, chunksters.

424. Oh, come on!

425. No judgment. I'm just saying

426. I'm not the only one with flaws. So how can we be sure this is my fault?

427. You hogged all the shrimp, and now there are shrimp flying around.

428. You called Tahani a giraffe, and now there are giraffes everywhere.

429. Okay, fine, turns out there are many ways to know that it was me.

430. Let's just face it, Eleanor, you don't belong here.

431. Well, then this system sucks.

432. What, one in a million gets to live in paradise

433. and everyone else is tortured for eternity?

434. Come on.

435. I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay.

436. I was a medium person.

437. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place!

438. Like Cincinnati.

439. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible

440. should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.

441. Look, apparently it doesn't work that way.

442. I'm sorry, Eleanor, but there's nothing anyone can do.

443. Unless...

444. There is something we can do. Unless you could teach me.

445. - Teach you what? - How to be good.

446. That was your job, right? A professor of ethics?

447. No one knew I was a problem when I arrived.

448. Things only started getting crazy

449. after I was an ash-hole to everyone at the party. Ugh.

450. You know I'm trying to say "ash-hole" and not "ash-hole," right?

451. I got that, yes.

452. Okay, give me a chance. Let me earn my place here.

453. - Let me be your ethical guinea pig.

454. Hey, guys! Uh... Emergency neighborhood meeting, now!

455. We'll be right there, Michael!

456. If I walk out of here in these clothes, I'm toast.

457. My soul is in your hands, soulmate. What's it gonna be?

458. - Oh, stomachache.