The Goes Wrong Show 2x5

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Continuing last-week's Disaster Festival, The Cornley Drama Society put on four more performances.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

2. and welcome back to the Cornley Drama Festival.

3. Once again, apologies for the sign.

4. We have had a fantastic response to the festival,

5. with seven people writing in

6. to tell us they enjoyed the show.

7. And thousands of other people also writing in.

8. Chris, I've given the horse too many tranquilizers.

9. That is not my problem tonight.

10. Because first up we are in the hands

11. of Sandra Wilkinson.

12. Distinct.

13. Unique.

14. Moist.

15. What do these words have in common?

16. They've all been used to describe my voice.

17. So, I've written a radio play to present this evening.

18. Not, as some have suggested, because I am in the running

19. to be the new voice of Marks and Spencer's,

20. although I am down to the final 80,

21. but because I would love nothing more

22. than to share with you how audio drama is made.

23. So please enjoy A Talented Woman Awakens.

24. Well, that roast beef was absolutely delicious, dad.

25. It certainly was, Deborah!

26. I adored those Yorkshire Puddings,

27. almost as much as the crisp golden potatoes,

28. and the creamy yet fiery horseradish sauce.

29. I'll clear the dishes.

30. Deborah, I meant to tell you.

31. I'll be hosting the talent show at the village fete this year.

32. Well, you should enter that, darling.

33. You're ever so talented.

34. Oh, no, I couldn't do that, mum.

35. Of course you could, sweetheart.

36. There's more to you than your sensational looks.

37. You also have a fantastic speaking voice,

38. and you own your own Pitch Tone B Plus

39. podcasting microphone.

40. Let me pour you a cup of tea, dad.

41. Sugar? -Two please.

42. Milk? -Just a spot.

43. Maybe you're right,

44. maybe I should enter the talent competition.

45. I just wish I...

46. had more confidence.

47. You are so dreadfully humble.

48. And you're ever so talented.

49. Now come on, dad, it's well past...

50. your bedtime.

51. Onto the stairlift.

52. Ah! Now, let's get you tucked in.

53. Goodnight, dad.

54. I'll shut the door.

55. See you in the morning.

56. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

57. Good morning, mum.

58. Morning, darling.

59. You're ever so talented.

60. Come in.

61. Buenos días, señorita!

62. Miguel! How are you, my dear?

63. I am sad, because I know I will never be enough for you.

64. Oh, Miguel!

65. Our relationship is too passionate.

66. I have seen there is to be a talent show

67. at the village fete.

68. Soon I will lose you to celebrity.

69. My talent is too...

70. My talent is too wild to be ca...

71. Ha!

72. My talent is too wild to be caged.

73. I must perform.

74. Hooray!

75. Come, mount this stallion with me.

76. We shall ride to the village fete.

77. Wake up, wake up.

78. Clippity clop! Clippity clop!

79. Here we are at the village fete.

80. We have arrived in time for the hoedown.

81. I do hope everyone is enjoying

82. the Barnsbury Village Fete so far.

83. Ah yeah, it's just brilliant.

84. A huge congratulations to Benny Webber,

85. who correctly spelled the word incompetent,

86. to win this year's Spelling Bee.

87. I-N-C-O-M-M-

88. P-E-T-E-N-T-

89. E-N-T-E-

90. N-T-E.

91. Incompetentente!

92. And next up in the talent show, we have Peter Bodkin,

93. with his one-man clog dance.

94. A round of applause for Peter.

95. Next up, will be my very own daughter,

96. who will be reciting the entirety

97. of Alfred Lord Tennyson's The Lady of Shallot.

98. Are you ready to perform, my darling?

99. I'm a little bit nervous.

100. Don't be nervous.

101. Look at the beautiful sunshine, and listen to the birds singing.

102. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,

103. showcasing her extraordinary vocal range, Deborah Davies.

104. Muh...

105. Fantastic.

106. And the scores are in.

107. And the winner is Deborah Davies.

108. A round of applause, please!

109. Stop!

110. There's a storm coming!

111. Thank you for coming.

112. And now, a word of congratulations from our mayor.

113. I think this is the beginning of an extraordinary career.

114. Advertising executives and voiceover agents

115. will be calling you every day.

116. On 07700900381.

117. My talent has been awakened!

118. Ugh!

119. Next up is my...

120. Next up is my play.

121. I wrote it myself.

122. I would like to thank Trevor,

123. for providing the special effects.

124. My play is called...

125. "Toothpaste 1.99."

126. Sorry, that's a receipt.

127. My play is called, "Toothpaste 1.69."

128. Enjoy.

129. Hello, how much is this toothpaste?

130. 1.69.

131. Well, I think we can all agree...

132. There's still some cuts to be found in that play.

133. Next up, we have Annie Twilloil.

134. Now, people often say we take things too seriously

135. at the Cornley Drama Society, but that wasn't always the case.

136. The original troupe performed a comedy as recently as 1979.

137. So, we thought it would be nice to step outside

138. our comfort zone,

139. and revisit that laugh-out loud romp tonight.

140. This farce has been classified as Grade C bawdy,

141. so, some of the more graphic jokes

142. have had to be censored to comply with broadcasting

143. decency guidelines.

144. So, please, enjoy the classic 70s farce entitled,

145. An Upstanding Member

146. in a Tight Spot in the Back Office.

147. Good morning, Mr. Carmichael.

148. Good morning, Miss Pennyforth.

149. Hoo! Frightfully windy day today, isn't it?

150. Woah!

151. Miss Pennyforth, have you got a date tonight?

152. Oh yes, sir, a whole bagful.

153. What is she like?

154. Now, tell me, what appointments do I have today?

155. Well, at 11:00, we'll be having a bit of how's your father.

156. Ooh!

157. And at 11:05, you've got a meeting

158. with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

159. So, we've only got five minutes together?

160. Yes, I thought that would give me four minutes

161. to catch up on paperwork.

162. What is she like?

163. And don't forget the Archbishop is terrified of bees,

164. so I'd best remove these.

165. Good thinking, Miss Pennyforth.

166. And the Prince of Wales is coming round at 11:20

167. to present you with your OBE.

168. The Prince of Wales?

169. We'd best cancel my meeting with Norman Nord,

170. the Nudist Lord.

171. Yes, Mr. Carmichael.

172. Now, Doctor Rod Problem dropped round these little blue pills.

173. Ooh...

174. Sorry!

175. Little blue pills.

176. Those are for my downstairs problem.

177. The leak in the basement?

178. I'll leave them in this drinks cabinet,

179. next to your anti-anxiety medication.

180. Careful, these bottles look just alike.

181. I'd better go and put on a tie.

182. Let me help you with that.

183. Thank you, Miss Pennyforth.

184. Ooh!

185. Righty-ho then, time to clean these windows.

186. Oh, these bloomin' bees!

187. I-N-C-O-M-P-E-T-E-N-T.

188. Incompetent.

189. What are you doing?

190. I'm the spelling bees.

191. Oi! Oi! Oi!

192. You stop buzzing in my face!

193. Hey, out of it! Out of it! Hey you, pack it in!

194. Bloomin' heck!

195. Someone's left the window open.

196. Now there's soap suds all over the back office.

197. I best get in there and clean it up

198. before someone slips over.

199. Water palaver.

200. Right, I think that sounds good.

201. Oh, Mrs. Carmichael!

202. Leader of the opposition and my wife.

203. Hope you don't mind, I popped in your back corridor.

204. Passage. I popped in your back passage.

205. You're early.

206. Makes a change, it's usually you who get here early.

207. Comes.

208. Would you like a drink?

209. Oh, yes, you know I love a strong one!

210. A stiff one!

211. Woah!

212. Why are there soap suds all over this floor?

213. My coat is soaked through.

214. Oh, dear, I don't think things could get any worse.

215. My mother is coming to stay for the weekend.

216. Looks like I spoke too soon!

217. I brought you these flowers for you to give to her.

218. Oh, God, she's awake!

219. Where are the tranquilizers?

220. Well, I'd best get back to the Commons.

221. Goodbye, darling.

222. It's 11:00.

223. Time for us...

224. Oh, ho ho! -I've forgotten my bag!

225. Quickly, Miss Pennyforth, hide in the wardrobe.

226. Ooh! -Ohh!

227. Mr. Carmichael.

228. Ooh! -Oh!

229. Ooh! Ooh! -Oh!

230. I forgot my bag.

231. I don't think things could get any worse!

232. Everybody, stand back!

233. Oh, crikey, I just bought these shoes

234. from the cobblers and they don't half squeak!

235. Get mopping.

236. The Prince of Wales is coming to give me my O...

237. OBE! And we can't have soap suds all over the place!

238. Hey... Hey... Hey!

239. Uh!

240. Hey!

241. Argh!

242. You've smashed the window!

243. Oh, it's let in a gale!

244. Hey!

245. It's blown off our trousers!

246. Hey! Hey!

247. The Archbishop! Quick, hide in the wardrobe.

248. Morning, Carmichael. Cor blimey!

249. Why aren't you wearing trousers Carmichael?

250. Er...

251. pink polka dots are all the rage, Archbishop.

252. I'm pleased to hear it.

253. Wow!

254. Now, Carmichael, I have to tell you about something

255. that happened to me on the way here.

256. I came out of me front door, and there were two...

257. standing there

258. with

259. right up the cloisters.

260. Now, Carmichael, I'm here to talk to you about

261. not building that atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral.

262. But what's this?

263. A contract from Car Parks Limite

264. about building an atheist car park over Canterbury Cathedral?

265. This is a disgrace, Carmichael.

266. I'm telephoning the Vatican, and when they get hold of you,

267. you'll be sorrier than I was when I saw the Pope...

268. I said...

269. raw buttocks!

270. Oh, Mr. Carmichael I'm starting to panic.

271. I don't like being in tight spaces.

272. Nor do I.

273. Here, take one of my anti-anxiety pills.

274. Mr. Carmichael!

275. Quick!

276. Ooh!

277. I forgot my hat.

278. Here you go, darling.

279. Carmichael!

280. Oh, dear!

281. We forgot to cancel my meeting with Norman Nord,

282. the Nudist Lord!

283. What's going on, Carmichael?

284. What was all that about, Carmichael?

285. Don't go near the window!

286. Hey!

287. Hey!

288. Hey... Woah!

289. Woah!

290. Oh, it's blown... blown off my trousers! Oh! Oh!

291. Oh, how embarrassing!

292. Oh, how embarrassing.

293. Sorry about that, Archbishop.

294. Please, accept these flowers with my apologies.

295. Thank you, Carmichael. But what's that noise?

296. Oh, no!

297. Incompetent!

298. A bee! A bee! A bee! A bee! Bees!

299. Bees!

300. I've been chased by bees.

301. Here, take one of my anti-anxiety pills.

302. Thank you, Carmichael.

303. Oh, could you give me a pill?

304. One. Could you give me one?

305. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh...

306. They're for the horse.

307. I'm here, Carmichael!

308. A French maid, a window cleaner,

309. the Archbishop of Canterbury,

310. and the leader of the opposition,

311. all at it in the Chief Whip's office?

312. After seeing this, I can't possibly give you your OBE.

313. I'll have to give you a knighthood!

314. Thank you.

315. That was a farce.

316. Now, as you can see, we do appear to be down

317. a few members of the cast.

318. Trevor and I will be taking them to A & E now.

319. Er, but do not fear...

320. But do not fear,

321. the festival will continue with Jonathan's piece.

322. It's a musical ensemble number, which, which er...

323. which would have included the whole cast.

324. And it's about a circus.

325. Enjoy.

326. Roll up, roll up!

327. Come and enjoy the show!

328. Jimmy! Missy! Tony!

329. Matty! Ricky! Jenny!

330. Okay!

331. Come on, guys, let's have a song,

332. I'll play the keys, you sing along!

333. Piano?

334. No?

335. Okay!

336. Oh!

337. Oh, my God!

338. Amazing!

339. What a talent!

340. Take it, Jimmy!

341. With your amazing juggling.

342. Wow, it's amazing! Incredible!

343. Aah!

344. Now go, Missy, with your mime!

345. Hell yeah!

346. Now, Tony, show us your skills on the unicycle.

347. Oh, God!

348. Now, Matty, marvel us with your magic!

349. Oh!