1. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
2. and welcome to the Cornley Drama Festival.Copy !req
3. Apologies for the sign.Copy !req
4. As the director of the Drama Society,Copy !req
5. in order to show fairness,Copy !req
6. and to quell talk of yet another coup,Copy !req
7. I have agreed to allow everyone to showcase their effortsCopy !req
8. in this drama festival.Copy !req
9. No matter the standard.Copy !req
10. So, each member of the Drama SocietyCopy !req
11. will be offering what we've agreed to call "contributions."Copy !req
12. Ranging from rediscovered classic plays,Copy !req
13. to new writing, to workshops.Copy !req
14. All performed over the next two weeks,Copy !req
15. and all of which I take no responsibility for.Copy !req
16. So, first up we have Robert, with an acting masterclass.Copy !req
17. Right.Copy !req
18. Hello!Copy !req
19. That was acting.Copy !req
20. Hello.Copy !req
21. That was not.Copy !req
22. What is the difference between acting and non-acting?Copy !req
23. That is what we will discover in my masterclass.Copy !req
24. The most common question I'm asked about actingCopy !req
25. in voicemails left to me by myself is,Copy !req
26. "How can I become a good actor?" Well, let's see.Copy !req
27. Here are eight actors,Copy !req
28. standing in order from best to worst.Copy !req
29. Hm? -What?Copy !req
30. Now, we are going to seeCopy !req
31. a bit of acting from each of them.Copy !req
32. Let's begin.Copy !req
33. At position number one we have our best actor...Copy !req
34. that's me.Copy !req
35. Thank you for holding that, Jonathan.Copy !req
36. To be or not to be!Copy !req
37. Very good. No notes.Copy !req
38. Next, we have our second best actor, Sandra.Copy !req
39. Off you go.Copy !req
40. To be or not to be?Copy !req
41. Hmm. Good.Copy !req
42. But also, quite shrill and bad.Copy !req
43. Remember when asking a question you need to go upCopy !req
44. at the end of the line.Copy !req
45. To be or not to be?Copy !req
46. Very good. Next.Copy !req
47. This is not what you said you were going to do.Copy !req
48. That is not the line Chris, move down one place.Copy !req
49. Next.Copy !req
50. To be or not to be.Copy !req
51. Good, go on.Copy !req
52. That's... all you said to learn.Copy !req
53. Well, make it up.Copy !req
54. I... -Right, ok. So, here's a tip.Copy !req
55. So, if you're ever on stage and don't know what to do,Copy !req
56. run at the audience.Copy !req
57. You see, because if they're scared of you,Copy !req
58. you're not scared of themCopy !req
59. and that is why I always carry a gun on stage.Copy !req
60. Next. -You can't have a gun!Copy !req
61. Wrong again. Down you go!Copy !req
62. And I can have a gun, and I must have a gun.Copy !req
63. That's rule of Chekov's gun. Have a gun.Copy !req
64. And now it's been seen, I will have to shoot someoneCopy !req
65. before the end of the play.Copy !req
66. Right, moving down the line. Max!Copy !req
67. To be or not to be.Copy !req
68. Ok, but remember, Hamlet is tense in this moment, okay?Copy !req
69. As are all characters at all times.Copy !req
70. So, let's see that tight inner fear.Copy !req
71. To be or not...Copy !req
72. Ah! -To be!Copy !req
73. Good, very tense. You were in the moment.Copy !req
74. Okay, right. Now, let's seeCopy !req
75. if you can get it right this time, Chris.Copy !req
76. You requested three quarters of the show's budget for this.Copy !req
77. Dreadful, down two places.Copy !req
78. We really are in the dregs now.Copy !req
79. Or as they're professionally termed, "the sub-actors."Copy !req
80. Annie...Copy !req
81. To be or not to be.Copy !req
82. That Annie, was actually very good.Copy !req
83. Well done.Copy !req
84. Remember it can damage an actor's moraleCopy !req
85. if you tell them how bad they really are.Copy !req
86. The best way to hide a bad actorCopy !req
87. is to put them in the biggest hat you can find.Copy !req
88. Right, who's next? Dennis.Copy !req
89. Off you go...Copy !req
90. No, no, just... begin.Copy !req
91. "To be or to be not be."Copy !req
92. Medically fascinating.Copy !req
93. It's literally written here for him...Copy !req
94. "Seven!" -No, don't read that.Copy !req
95. "To be or..." -Stop reading!Copy !req
96. And finally...Copy !req
97. To be or not to be.Copy !req
98. The worst of the lot.Copy !req
99. Although, of course beneath actors,Copy !req
100. you do have stage managers.Copy !req
101. Trevor, why don't you tell the people at homeCopy !req
102. a little bit about your job?Copy !req
103. Well, actually, it's just as creative as being on stage.Copy !req
104. That is clearly false.Copy !req
105. So, you've seen now, how a drama society is formed:Copy !req
106. of actors and sub-actors.Copy !req
107. And it's important to know about this when casting your play.Copy !req
108. You can group actors and sub-actors togetherCopy !req
109. to create average scenes.Copy !req
110. Or you can group your actors together in your main narrative,Copy !req
111. and then separate off your sub-actorsCopy !req
112. into the "sub-plot."Copy !req
113. And that's, of course, where we get that term.Copy !req
114. Then the sub-plot will be a write off,Copy !req
115. but the core narrative will be preserved.Copy !req
116. Unless, of course, one of your actorsCopy !req
117. "loses talent."Copy !req
118. You can find out more about that in my new acting book, WHY!Copy !req
119. First, let's try a sceneCopy !req
120. with an actor and a sub-actor in it.Copy !req
121. Chris and Sandra, please.Copy !req
122. Here are your scripts.Copy !req
123. Isobel my dear, what a fine day it is in the park.Copy !req
124. Oh, Richard, it is.Copy !req
125. Will you marry me, Isobel?Copy !req
126. No, I just see you as a thin and unpleasant friend.Copy !req
127. And stop there. Now...Copy !req
128. what did Sandra not do there?Copy !req
129. Dennis. -I don't know.Copy !req
130. OK.Copy !req
131. Remember she is acting with a sub-actor.Copy !req
132. So, Sandra should have done what we call,Copy !req
133. "masking your sub-actor."Copy !req
134. I'll show you what I mean. Chris, from the top.Copy !req
135. Isobel, my dear what a fine day...Copy !req
136. Uh!Copy !req
137. What a fine day it is in the park.Copy !req
138. Is it?Copy !req
139. That's... -Aaagh!Copy !req
140. Will you marry me? -Of course not!Copy !req
141. Now, you see, the more you do, the less they can do.Copy !req
142. Now, in this scene Chris' character, Richard,Copy !req
143. is snubbed and experiences, what we call in the industry,Copy !req
144. "sadness."Copy !req
145. And, of course, you cannot portray sadness without tears.Copy !req
146. Just as in the same way you cannot perform a comedyCopy !req
147. without showing your gums.Copy !req
148. So, how do we cry on stage?Copy !req
149. Everyone, please take out your measuring jugs.Copy !req
150. Many actors believe crying can only be achievedCopy !req
151. through truly empathizing with the character.Copy !req
152. They are wrong.Copy !req
153. The best way to cry on cue is to use your musclesCopy !req
154. to force tears out of your face.Copy !req
155. So, everyone, please put your jug to your saddest eyeCopy !req
156. and go!Copy !req
157. Tense your chest! Tense your back!Copy !req
158. Tense your neck!Copy !req
159. Tense your buttocks, groin and throat.Copy !req
160. Now! Now!Copy !req
161. There we are!Copy !req
162. Anyone else manage to get any tears?Copy !req
163. That's fine, he'll be fine.Copy !req
164. When I do this down at the Youth Centre,Copy !req
165. there's usually at least one hemorrhage.Copy !req
166. How have we done?Copy !req
167. Nothing. You see, she's "losing talent."Copy !req
168. Nothing...Copy !req
169. Jesus. Are you alright?Copy !req
170. I don't know.Copy !req
171. Okay, stay safe. Stay emotionally safe everyone.Copy !req
172. Now, some sub-actors will not be able to produceCopy !req
173. any tears this way.Copy !req
174. And for them you can use this productCopy !req
175. I found on the dark web, called "tear-gas."Copy !req
176. And straight into the scene!Copy !req
177. Argh! Isobel my dear!Copy !req
178. What a fine day it is in the park!Copy !req
179. Oh, Richard, it is!Copy !req
180. Will you marry me, Isobel?Copy !req
181. No, I just see you as a thin and unpleasant friend!Copy !req
182. Are you sad?Copy !req
183. Much better!Copy !req
184. No, no. They're nowhere near ready for that.Copy !req
185. And, of course, the best way to finish a sceneCopy !req
186. is with my signature end card.Copy !req
187. So, now you've seen some acting,Copy !req
188. hopefully you can tell the differenceCopy !req
189. between acting and non-acting.Copy !req
190. In fact, let's put your learning to the test,Copy !req
191. and see if you can tell which is which in these clips...Copy !req
192. No, Robert, this is... argh!Copy !req
193. This is... not acting!Copy !req
194. Chris ballet dancing is a new low.Copy !req
195. I'm gonna put glue on his flute.Copy !req
196. Robert, are you filming us?Copy !req
197. This is... not acting!Copy !req
198. Robert, why are you requesting three quartersCopy !req
199. of the show's budget for your masterclass?Copy !req
200. Er...Copy !req
201. insurance.Copy !req
202. This is... acting.Copy !req
203. If you want to learn more, copies of my new acting book,Copy !req
204. Anything you can Act I can Act even Louder,Copy !req
205. are now available in pop up form.Copy !req
206. To be or not to be!Copy !req
207. Now, next up we, we have a...Copy !req
208. Understudy.Copy !req
209. Next up, we have a new play by Max.Copy !req
210. Which one's Max?Copy !req
211. Oh, yes! Number five.Copy !req
212. Please, enjoy this sub piece, a kitchen sink drama.Copy !req
213. Woah! -Woah!Copy !req
214. I'm stuck.Copy !req
215. Thank you, thank you, Max.Copy !req
216. Clearly a slight misinterpretationCopy !req
217. of what a kitchen sink drama is there.Copy !req
218. Why what is it?Copy !req
219. It's a soap opera.Copy !req
220. Ah, that's the second act.Copy !req
221. Thank you. Marvelous.Copy !req
222. Next up, we have Vanessa, with something...Copy !req
223. a little less traditional.Copy !req
224. Since taking part in Series One of Play of the Week,Copy !req
225. I have been visiting a life coach.Copy !req
226. Now, I know a lot of people are skeptical about life coaching,Copy !req
227. but mine charges me 200 pounds an hour, so, you know it's good.Copy !req
228. To help me with my fear of spontaneity,Copy !req
229. he suggested that I take classes in improvisation.Copy !req
230. For example.Copy !req
231. Oh, watch out Kevin there's a...Copy !req
232. Some...Copy !req
233. There's a...Copy !req
234. Oh, watch out Kevin, watch out!Copy !req
235. Believe it or not, that line wasn't scripted.Copy !req
236. No, it was a stream of consciousness made upCopy !req
237. completely on the spot.Copy !req
238. And there's plenty more of that to come.Copy !req
239. So, for this first scene,Copy !req
240. can someone please shout out a job?Copy !req
241. Don't be shy, I'll take anything.Copy !req
242. Fart inspector.Copy !req
243. No, not that. Come on.Copy !req
244. Baker! -Baker! Great.Copy !req
245. And I also need an emotion?Copy !req
246. Lust. -Lust.Copy !req
247. Oh... Okay.Copy !req
248. And finally, a location?Copy !req
249. Hull. -Hull?Copy !req
250. Yeah! Okay.Copy !req
251. So, this scene is a lusty baker in Hull.Copy !req
252. Here we go.Copy !req
253. Wait.Copy !req
254. Here we go!Copy !req
255. Hello, Margery. How's the bread today?Copy !req
256. Lusty.Copy !req
257. What are you doing? -Oh, baking. In Hull.Copy !req
258. I... I... I...Copy !req
259. Ding a ling a ling.Copy !req
260. Ooh, nice buns!Copy !req
261. Okay, and scene.Copy !req
262. So, this next scene is going to be a "fun" one.Copy !req
263. Ooh! Sorry, if you're going to do sound effects,Copy !req
264. could you let me know?Copy !req
265. I just, I was just really thrown there.Copy !req
266. So, Chris and Max are going to play "The Alphabet Game,"Copy !req
267. where the first line of the scene begins with A,Copy !req
268. the second line with B, and backwards and forwards,Copy !req
269. until they get to Z.Copy !req
270. So, can I have a location for this scene?Copy !req
271. Hull.Copy !req
272. Ah, okay.Copy !req
273. Alright, it can be in Hull as well.Copy !req
274. Where abouts in Hull?Copy !req
275. The Zoo. -The Zoo!Copy !req
276. Great! Okay, here we go...Copy !req
277. Always a pleasure
to see you, Gareth.Copy !req
278. Hi.Copy !req
279. No, it has to start with B.Copy !req
280. Oh, er, bye...Copy !req
281. Come back, Gareth,Copy !req
282. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
283. Okay, what about?Copy !req
284. It has to start with D now.Copy !req
285. Does it?Copy !req
286. Exactly.Copy !req
287. Now you're getting it.Copy !req
288. Definitely.Copy !req
289. No, it has to start with F.Copy !req
290. "Fenitely."Copy !req
291. Good. -Thanks.Copy !req
292. Say a word beginning with H.Copy !req
293. Hull.Copy !req
294. Jesus... -No, you missed I.Copy !req
295. I'm sorry.Copy !req
296. What about? -Kindly understand the game.Copy !req
297. I don't understand the game. -Say a word beginning with I.Copy !req
298. Lusty.Copy !req
299. Max... -No need to get upset.Copy !req
300. Oh, my God! -Please, Chris.Copy !req
301. Quiet! -Right.Copy !req
302. Stop the dings! -That's not very nice.Copy !req
303. Unbelievable. -Very rude.Copy !req
304. Will you shut up? -Xylophones.Copy !req
305. Oh, come on. I had that!Copy !req
306. You're an idiot!Copy !req
307. Zoo.Copy !req
308. And scene.Copy !req
309. See, wasn't that fun?Copy !req
310. Alright, now we're going to play scene change,Copy !req
311. where I'm in the middle, and the other improvisersCopy !req
312. are going to throw crazy ideas at me.Copy !req
313. So, can we just have a starting location for this scene?Copy !req
314. Hull. -No!Copy !req
315. Not Hull, because we've done that!Copy !req
316. Haven't we? We we've done that.Copy !req
317. So, let's just try somewhere else.Copy !req
318. The Far East!Copy !req
319. Great. Of Hull.Copy !req
320. Oh!Copy !req
321. Well, you know what they say about people from Hull...Copy !req
322. don't you? They're all...Copy !req
323. from Hull.Copy !req
324. So, let's just try a different location.Copy !req
325. A cruise ship!Copy !req
326. A cruise ship, yes, where on a cruise ship?Copy !req
327. Okay, this scene is set in the hull of a cruise ship.Copy !req
328. Here we go.Copy !req
329. Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?Copy !req
330. Lusty.Copy !req
331. Change.Copy !req
332. What's my line?Copy !req
333. Just make it up.Copy !req
334. No. Just...Copy !req
335. Will you marry me?Copy !req
336. What? Really? -Yes, I've always loved you.Copy !req
337. I don't know what to say.Copy !req
338. Just say yes.Copy !req
339. Yeah! Okay.Copy !req
340. I... I need to go and tell my mum!Copy !req
341. Change.Copy !req
342. Change.Copy !req
343. Mira las estrellas esta noche.Copy !req
344. Chorizo.Copy !req
345. Change!Copy !req
346. Do you really want to marry me?Copy !req
347. Yes, of course.Copy !req
348. Will you tell my mum? She doesn't believe me.Copy !req
349. She says you're a solid eight and I'm a two.Copy !req
350. Change.Copy !req
351. Ooh! This is a spooky old attic.Copy !req
352. Yes, it's freez...Copy !req
353. Shut up, get in the cupboard.Copy !req
354. And that's how you win an improv.Copy !req
355. Change!Copy !req
356. Look, doctor. It appears to be allergic rhinitis.Copy !req
357. Hand me the speculum.Copy !req
358. No, the speculum.Copy !req
359. No, a speculum.Copy !req
360. No, a speculum.Copy !req
361. A spec... No, a speculum! Speculum!Copy !req
362. No! No! No! No! Look, look...Copy !req
363. two hands!Copy !req
364. Well, looks like we're too late, the patient has died.Copy !req
365. Curses. I could have saved them.Copy !req
366. If only I... Argh! Ow!Copy !req
367. Change! Change! Change!Copy !req
368. Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?Copy !req
369. Lusty!Copy !req
370. Change.Copy !req
371. Change!Copy !req
372. OK, I think I've found us a venue.Copy !req
373. But it's an 8,000 pound deposit.Copy !req
374. Can I borrow your credit card?Copy !req
375. I don't have that on me.Copy !req
376. It's okay, I'll get it from your purse.Copy !req
377. Change!Copy !req
378. Hello, Margery, how's the bread today?Copy !req
379. Lusty!Copy !req
380. Change!Copy !req
381. Oh, and scene!Copy !req
382. Okay. We're all set, June the 6th.Copy !req
383. I think this is the first time in my life I've ever felt happy.Copy !req
384. Right.Copy !req
385. That was "funtastic!"Copy !req
386. I hope that my life coach is proud of me for doing that.Copy !req
387. I'm not. You need more sessions.Copy !req
388. Thank you, Vanessa.Copy !req
389. Now we come at last to my piece...Copy !req
390. I bet you think you're "hullarious."Copy !req
391. "Hull-arious."Copy !req
392. Ha! I'm just too quick for you, mate.Copy !req
393. Ahem.Copy !req
394. For too long now, the Drama SocietyCopy !req
395. has refused to let me showcase high art.Copy !req
396. But I'm going to use this opportunityCopy !req
397. to present some real culture for once.Copy !req
398. Move Chris!Copy !req
399. And to elevate you, the viewers at home.Copy !req
400. So, put down your fish and chips,Copy !req
401. set aside your cans of lager beer,Copy !req
402. and put on that shirt you wear to court.Copy !req
403. And join me for an evening at the balletCopy !req
404. and the magical tale of the caterpillar,Copy !req
405. La Nuit de la Chenille.Copy !req
406. Wha...Copy !req
407. Ooh.Copy !req
408. Woah!Copy !req
409. Oh!Copy !req
410. No, no, no, no, no...Copy !req
411. Spider!Copy !req
412. Aw, no.Copy !req
413. Wow!Copy !req
414. Tell us, Sun Beetle, the Caterpillar, is he well?Copy !req
415. He is not!Copy !req
416. Winter comes and he fades.Copy !req
417. What shall we do?Copy !req
418. We need the wisdom of the great stag.Copy !req
419. Stag!Copy !req
420. Ooh!Copy !req
421. Tell us, Sun Beetle, what did the...Copy !req
422. Uh, uh...Copy !req
423. What did the great... -Is it?Copy !req
424. What did the great... -Ooh!Copy !req
425. Stop it!Copy !req
426. Tell us, Sun Beetle! What did the great stag say?Copy !req
427. The wise stag said your light has faded.Copy !req
428. And you must rest... -Uh!Copy !req
429. How dare you?Copy !req
430. Eeee!Copy !req
431. Never let yourself be masked.Copy !req
432. The wise stag said that your light has faded,Copy !req
433. and you must lay yourself down beneath the mighty oak.Copy !req
434. Ugh! Agh!Copy !req
435. Lift...Copy !req
436. Extend!Copy !req
437. Hold! Hold!Copy !req
438. Don't drop me. Careful!Copy !req
439. Stop it, man!Copy !req
440. The caterpillar has gone.Copy !req
441. The forest weeps.Copy !req
442. Got one!Copy !req
443. Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
444. Sodding zip!Copy !req
445. Yeah! -Ah!Copy !req
446. Chekov's gun.Copy !req