The Goes Wrong Show 2x2

Directed by

Chris returns to the leadership of the Cornley Drama Society and puts on a production of a little-known play by Shakespeare. Colin Shakespeare, that is.

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1. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

2. and welcome back to Play of the Week,

3. where each week a new play is performed live

4. in front of a studio audience, and broadcast to the nation.

5. I am Chris Bean, the fully-reinstated director.

6. Following Robert's ambitious turn as director last week,

7. the cast came crawling back to me,

8. and I graciously agreed

9. to take on the mantel of director once more.

10. Which reminds me...

11. Robert, here are your new lines for this evening.

12. This is blank. -Yes, it is.

13. Robert and I mutually agreed

14. it was best for him to play

15. only non-speaking roles this evening.

16. Tonight's piece is a classic by the great

17. playwright, Shakespeare.

18. To be clear, that's Simon Shakespeare,

19. the much less well-known and much less well-regarded

20. cousin of Colin Shakespeare.

21. So, the actors are prepared, the stage is set.

22. Please enjoy

23. The Most Lamentable Tragedy of the Prince of England

24. and His Long-lost Twin Brother, Prince Regent of France,

25. and the Problems Therein Experienced By All

26. When They Came to Know of One Another After A Battle.

27. A noble king is tended by his wife.

28. Advanced in years, he nears the end of...

29. life.

30. His kingdom disemboweled by bloody war,

31. where death doth stalk from midland to...

32. the shore.

33. Prince Richard, who was out of wedlock birthed,

34. carries his father's name but not his worth.

35. Queen Isobel would his blood soon spill.

36. Foul Malcolm plots and for the throne...

37. he'd kill.

38. With fair lands in turmoil up and down,

39. all men do scheme to try and seize the throne... crown.

40. All hail the King!

41. A merry trumpet and a bold.

42. But embolden me it doth not,

43. for the body of the king doth canker.

44. What medicine, my love?

45. For me, there is none.

46. For the kingdom, the remedy be my heir.

47. His heir, Richard, is no better than air itself,

48. born as he was of a lowly tavern strumpet.

49. No son of mine is he.

50. Call forth Eric the Jester.

51. Eric the Jester!

52. My liege, you call me forth, but my name is Eric

53. and I am first amongst your court.

54. Good Eric, I called thee to tell you I do ail.

55. My Lord, we all do ale,

56. and at celebration we may wine too.

57. Bring forth...

58. the King's... -... the King's...

59. brother! -... brother!

60. What news...

61. What news, good brother?

62. No news but thy impertinence, Malcolm.

63. Kneel before your King.

64. Nay, Malcolm. Let us speak as brothers.

65. Stand.

66. Woah!

67. I know my throne thou covet for thyself.

68. Nay, Malcolm.

69. If Richard doth beat the French down,

70. it will be him, not you, that takes the crown.

71. Call forth Prince Richard!

72. Bring forth... -Bring forth!

73. Prince... -... Prince...

74. Richard! -... Dick.

75. You called for me, Father?

76. My days grow short, young Richard,

77. and soon this crown shall pass unto thy head.

78. Behold its dignity and pomp.

79. I shall go forth to war and prove my sword is true.

80. Well, if thou tastes victory, this crown shall pass to you.

81. Come, we shall...

82. Prit... Prit... Prithee,

83. where be my man penis?

84. Tis vanished.

85. The... the spirits must have frowned upon it.

86. And what are these benetted baps?

87. They...

88. I must go consult the priest before any more of me is...

89. released.

90. And the court thought he was but an irrelevant trumpeter,

91. but you shall soon see I am most relevant!

92. Non-speaking!

93. Ooh! Oh, I can't see.

94. I will not see that boy seated upon the throne.

95. I'd rather see the kingdom in your hand.

96. Oh, thou speakest poetry and my heart doth melt.

97. Now we're alone, spare me one secret kiss.

98. One secret kiss.

99. We're alone.

100. No, you're not. -Yes, we are.

101. Prithee.

102. She wants you to leave. -Get off!

103. One secret kiss.

104. Now we must be gone before the King sees aught's amiss.

105. And now away from the King's fine court...

106. to a field where a bitter battle is fought.

107. Each man covered in sweat and blood,

108. and every one prepared to die

109. for the common gud.

110. Cannon!

111. Load! -Load!

112. Aim!

113. Ooh!

114. Ah! Ah!

115. How fare you, sirrah?

116. Suffer-ing great-ly at the French-man's hand,

117. but who co-meth yon-der hill-top?

118. A man.

119. Tis Richard, our great prince upon his steed.

120. What ho, fine friends.

121. Steel your courage and stick it to your brothers' back,

122. for we are one.

123. Hurrah!

124. Hoo-ray! -Yes!

125. Hooray! -Huzzah!

126. Bravery rule thy head, let valor be thy light!

127. Bravery... Ah! Ah!

128. Dinky! Dinky! Come back! Come back here...

129. All fight! Fight for good Richard!

130. Get 'em! -Kill the French!

131. England forever! -Charge!

132. Oh, look! They are charging.

133. Get 'em! -Kill the English.

134. France forever.

135. But wait, I cannot fight, I am a pacifist!

136. A pacifist? Why are you here?

137. I have to earn a living, don't I?

138. What do you do?

139. I'm a court trumpeter, but the pay is not enough.

140. You're a court trumpeter pacifist who's been

141. forced to go to war? -I am.

142. What a layered and interesting man you are.

143. I agree.

144. Do you have a song that might outline

145. your predicament in more detail?

146. I do, sirrah.

147. Non-speaking!

148. Curses!

149. Another eager Englishman bearing bloody blade draws near.

150. It is the foul Lord Buckingham whom we Frenchmen do fear.

151. What ho, Prince Richard!

152. He thinks me English like himself.

153. He calls me Richard. What trickery is this?

154. A fine battle we have won today,

155. and we raise our arms victorious.

156. The sun shines bright upon our deeds.

157. These noble trees shall bear witness to our glory.

158. And yet I am no tree!

159. I am the relevant trumpeter, disguised!

160. Prince Richard, why wearest thou a French cap upon thy pate?

161. Thou art sure to draw the eye of our own archers

162. in this behatted state.

163. Buckingham!

164. My father shan't deny that this dost prove my worth!

165. God's teeth, I see my prince and there his shade,

166. as though a mirror were here before.

167. By Jove, who art thou? We are one and the same.

168. I am Prince Richard...

169. Dick.

170. Who art thou, sir?

171. What ho, his voice is the echo of mine.

172. Mine every syllable dost sound as thine.

173. My ears deceived both, they sound alike.

174. From whence do you hail?

175. Come, take my hand-e!

176. I shall not, sir.

177. I am Prince of England-e.

178. Some magic trickery. How can this be?

179. His every feature doth mirror me.

180. Identical except in birth!

181. Same voice, same height, same girth!

182. Our gestures knit each hair in pla-a-ce-he-he-hey-he-aye!

183. Aye!

184. It is as if the devil stole my

185. fa-a-a-a-a-a-he-he-hey-ace.

186. And I'm playing a tree? Seriously?

187. Bind this fellow, lock him away.

188. I shall to my father this very day.

189. Lower the bridge!

190. Argh! Raise the bridge! Raise the bridge!

191. Argh, argh, lower the bridge!

192. Push it up! Robert, push it up!

193. Stop! Stop!

194. Watch your head.

195. 3, 2, 1, go!

196. The battle won by England's merry throng.

197. Good Eric, toast their health and give a song!

198. Oh! Oh! Oh my! Argh! Argh!

199. It's still burning!

200. This is a most pleasing tune.

201. Oh, prithee, more.

202. What happened to Bonny Peggy Ramsay?

203. Um...

204. Prithee no more, fool! That's... That's quite enough. Thank you.

205. What a charming diversion, fool. More goose, my love?

206. No!

207. I have lost the taste for it, methinks.

208. Father!

209. What is the meaning of this?

210. Upon our fighting in your name did I happen upon this man,

211. the very shadow of me.

212. Bless my soul.

213. Two sons now before me, mine own and this his brother?

214. So, you confess, this man is my kin?

215. How came this to be so?

216. Alack, I must at last confess my sin.

217. Your mother was no strumpet,

218. but Queen Eleanor of France herself.

219. Stop it.

220. Our kingdoms both at war, you were born in secret,

221. brought to be raised under mine eye,

222. whilst he, your twin, remained with her.

223. I hope that all shall now be healed,

224. at last this wicked truth revealed.

225. And fortune hath united you.

226. So, you and I are brothers

227. of both French and English blood.

228. To me.

229. So, you and I are brothers

230. of both French and English blood.

231. Father, at last our war can end.

232. Not to me.

233. Father, at last our war can end.

234. Yet some wounds be too deep to mend.

235. A blood moon rose portending doom...

236. for foul and bloody murder loomed.

237. As the King retired to bed that night,

238. he did not know he'd seen his final light.

239. Ah!

240. My father for his sins shall now atone.

241. Then I, Prince Richard...

242. Dick.

243. shall not share the throne.

244. A single drop of poison in thine ear

245. will rob thee of thy health.

246. Approach I now in silence and in stealth.

247. Come, subtle poison...

248. Come, subtle poison.

249. Do thy work.

250. Oh! -Sorry. Sorry.

251. The king is dead,

252. but I'll not bear the guilt.

253. I'll frame fair Louis, then run him to the hilt.

254. Treachery! Foul treachery!

255. What news is this?

256. The Frenchman Louis hath killed the king!

257. What ho?

258. The king is dead!

259. My father dead, reluctant...

260. I am king.

261. Now to the tower we shall this traitor bring.

262. Guard! -My liege!

263. Take him away.

264. Yet foolish Richard knew not I was no guard.

265. I was the relevant trumpeter!

266. Robert!

267. Adieu.

268. Foul trickery, villainy!

269. Thou art knaves!

270. Come, Eric.

271. Wake the castle, assemble the court!

272. All must hear of Louis' wicked sport.

273. My lord, aside, I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

274. No, it's an aside. Say it to the side.

275. I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

276. To the side!

277. I spy upon his hand a stain of poison green.

278. I must betray this message to my Queen.

279. Go then!

280. My Queen, I bid thee brace thyself for news most foul.

281. Prithee, tell me the cause of thy scowl.

282. Tarry a moment for, um...

283. For, um...

284. Tis about the King.

285. Prithee, tell me.

286. Tis it about the king?

287. Yes, methinks it is.

288. You bring me news of the King's health?

289. Methinks...

290. Methinks the King is well?

291. No. -The King is dead.

292. Mm. -Aye!

293. The King is well dead.

294. But the worst is still to come for, uh... uh...

295. Speak, fool!

296. Oh, it's the twist.

297. Aye! He was murdered by Chris.

298. Prithee, but who doth Chris play?

299. The King.

300. Nay.

301. The king didn't kill the king, did he?

302. But he... he said he was the King, methinks.

303. Yes. Well, he's the King now, but before he killed the King,

304. who was he?

305. Chris. -No!

306. That's reality.

307. Join me in fiction.

308. In the play, who is Chris?

309. The director.

310. No! Which character? Was he Richard?

311. No. -Yes, he was!

312. I thought he was Louis.

313. No, he's Richard. They are twins.

314. But they don't look the same.

315. They're not...

316. Why are you confused!

317. I don't even wanna be in this scene.

318. Just...

319. Look, my goodly fool, my heart in pieces

320. tides thee submit gentle Malcolm hither.

321. What? -Get Malcolm!

322. Get Malcolm! Get Malcolm!

323. Oh, double joy, for now King Walter's dead,

324. his heir shall join when Malcolm kills Richard.

325. Here.

326. No! Get the actor who, in the play, is Malcolm!

327. I'm so sorry.

328. Malcolm!

329. Now is the time to seize this power.

330. Richard and Louis must die this very hour.

331. You speak the truth, m'lady.

332. To the dungeon!

333. Oh, no!

334. To the dungeons!

335. I will stretch thee until thou canst no more.

336. Demon of Hell, do thy worst.

337. Ooh.

338. Ooh-hey!

339. Go, torturer, leave this knave to me.

340. I shall to Hell dispatch him presently.

341. My liege!

342. Wilt thou unbind my hands so that I may pray?

343. Be quick.

344. Then I shall send thee on thy way.

345. With one swift strike, I set both of us free.

346. Thus, with your death, my secret dies with thee.

347. Not so fast!

348. Well, Malcolm here has caught me unaware.

349. No mercy, now your treachery is revealed.

350. Then let us fight, and death to him who yields.

351. Oh, no!

352. Prince Richard, struck by Malcolm's noble blade.

353. Argh!

354. Thus with this wound, my plans are all unmade.

355. Guard!

356. Take him away!

357. Oh.

358. Throw him in the darkest cell.

359. Thank you, sweet Malcolm.

360. The day is saved and all is well!

361. One twin is defeated, now strike the other down.

362. With them both gone, we two shall share the crown.

363. Prepare to die!

364. Another traitor in this nest of snakes.

365. Let our blades decide our fates.

366. Thy sharp tongue cannot harm me now.

367. Hya! Hya! Hya!

368. My blade doth pierce your back...

369. and you fall!

370. Malcolm is dead, Richard is in chains.

371. The crown does pass onto Louis' head.

372. Louis... is dead.

373. So, the crown shall now pass onto Queen Isobel.

374. No!

375. The crown shall now pass onto...

376. No.

377. Oh, dear.

378. Huh...

379. It seems all our characters are spent.

380. And, at last, the trumpeter is relevant!

381. Execute Chris!