The Goes Wrong Show 1x1

Directed by Martin Dennis

Santa’s come to town to solve a little girl’s holiday woes, but there’s no Xmas cheer as he drinks too much sherry, an elf is trapped in the set, and a magical snowman is eaten alive.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hello! Merry Christmas,

2. and welcome back to Play of the Week,

3. where each week a new play is performed live

4. in front of a studio audience here in Cornley

5. and broadcast to the nation.

6. - I am Chris Bean, the director.

7. And I'm thrilled to present tonight's Christmas play.

8. - Before we begin, let's meet the... - Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris...

9. - Yes. - What noise does a reindeer make?

10. Clearly a matter for rehearsals, Dennis.

11. Before we begin,

12. let's meet the star of the show.

13. Ladies and gentlemen,

14. please put your hands together for Father Christmas.

15. Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.

16. I've come all the way from Lapland

17. with my favorite two elves,

18. Nistle and Nostle!

19. Well, we've got just enough time

20. before the main event

21. to meet some children from...

22. the local area.

23. All right, so who have we got.

24. Right... Grace.

25. Grace, what would you like for Christmas, Grace?

26. I'm not Grace.

27. Why are you looking at me, then?

28. Don't make eye contact if you're not Grace.

29. - Who's Grace?

30. Right, okay, what do you want for Christmas?

31. An Xbox.

32. An Xbox?

33. Are you sure that's the gift

34. you prearranged with the producers?

35. Yes.

36. Oh, ho, ho, ho,

37. I think the producers agreed

38. there was a £15 limit

39. and you'd be getting a copy of Robert Groves'

40. Anything You Can Act, I Can Act Louder,

41. now with diagrams.

42. And it's even signed by the author, you see?

43. "To Grace."

44. That says "Grate."

45. So sorry. Let's fix that, shall we?

46. There we are.

47. Now it says "ungrateful."

48. Right, let's do another.

49. - What do you want for Christmas? - PlayStation.

50. Right, no games consoles.

51. That's not the budget we're working with.

52. Have an acting book.

53. Right. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

54. - I'm a boy. - Oh, who chose these?

55. All right, that's clearly enough of that.

56. Let's get on with the show.

57. The actors are prepared,

58. the stage is set.

59. Please enjoy "The Spirit of Christmas."

60. Dreadful section.

61. One Christmas Eve, not long ago

62. a sweet little girl built a man out of snow.

63. She sighed as she played in the cold winter air

64. for she had some worries she needed to share.

65. Hello, Mr. Snowman,

66. you're going to be my best friend.

67. And I won't say that again!

68. What do you want me to do, Maude?

69. I've been running errands all day for you,

70. picking up all the food.

71. It's 8:00 and I've still got to prepare all this for tomorrow.

72. Fine. What can I do to help?

73. Cut up these chicken breasts, will you?

74. Try not to make a mess of it.

75. I see you got the cheap sausages.

76. - Daddy, can we do a cracker? - Of course we can.

77. The crackers are for tomorrow.

78. Maude, just let her pull a cracker.

79. It's Christmas Eve, for goodness sake!

80. Why don't you decorate the tree?

81. Oh, can we?

82. I'll do the baubles

83. - and you can do the tinsel.

84. Make sure you spread it out evenly,

85. I don't want it looking silly.

86. Oh, no, where's the... Where's the star?

87. Oh, I can't see it.

88. What? You've lost my grandmother's star?

89. I haven't lost it, I just can't find it

90. I can't trust you with anything, can I?

91. You know what,

92. I think I need some air.

93. When is Daddy coming back?

94. I don't know, darling.

95. Can I sleep downstairs tonight

96. so I can wish him a happy Christmas

97. when he comes home?

98. Of course you can, sweetheart.

99. And I'll put out some sherry for Santa.

100. Bring it down.

101. Away went Belle's letter,

102. high up in the sky.

103. She just had to wait now for Santa's reply.

104. Would he have the answer?

105. Could this do the trick?

106. Belle put her trust in kindly Saint Nick.

107. She lay down her head,

108. her heart full of care,

109. dreaming that Santa would answer her prayer.

110. Ho, ho...

111. Oh, come on!

112. My sack's caught on the flue.

113. You can't say that.

114. Of course I can, it's a literal sack.

115. Not talking about my balls, am I?

116. Okay, now my actual sack is caught.

117. Robert? Robert. Be careful.

118. Be careful, Robert!

119. Hand me the gifts.

120. Bloody acting books!

121. Oh, sorry.

122. Come out!

123. Wake up, dear one.

124. - Santa? - Ho, ho, ho!

125. That's right.

126. I received your letter, Belle,

127. and it moved me greatly.

128. Are you sad, Belle?

129. I am, Santa.

130. Belle's sad.

131. - Aw! Aw!

132. What are you doing?

133. Do not participate.

134. Unbelievable.

135. God, I just feel so dreadfully low.

136. That just won't do!

137. But don't worry,

138. because I've brought my two elves

139. to come and help you.

140. Come along, Nistle! Come along, Nostle!

141. Here I come!

142. Hello, Santa!

143. And here I come!

144. I'm coming.

145. I'm on my way.

146. Almost.

147. Al...

148. Ah.

149. I shall remain.

150. Nistle and Nostle are the happiest two el...

151. Two elves in all of Lapland.

152. That's because we're the closest of friends

153. and wherever you see Nistle...

154. You're sure to see Nostle!

155. ♪ The fun never ends

156. ♪ Never despair!

157. ♪ Nostle goes

158. ♪ Nostle goes...

159. Ah!

160. Hey!

161. Well. That was good.

162. Ah, Belle, I see you've left me some sherry.

163. How delightful.

164. It's real sherry.

165. And some mince pies.

166. Delicious!

167. Delicious.

168. But Belle, you said in your letter

169. you don't feel the spirit of Christmas this year.

170. That's right, Santa.

171. Aw, well, this is serious.

172. Why don't you both have a mince pie?

173. And I'll have another nip of sherry

174. and we'll solve our troubles together.

175. Yes, we will!

176. Just another nip.

177. Just a couple more nips.

178. Just a couple more nips.

179. That's a lot of nips.

180. - Are you really going to help me, Santa? - I will, in a minute.

181. I'm just working on something else quite complicated here.

182. Ah! Stop it! Stop! Stop!

183. Right, get out of the way!

184. That really was too many nips.

185. - Santa? - Hmm? Yes.

186. Well, in difficult times what you need is

187. a magfastic fagical friend.

188. A fanfastic magifal...

189. A fantastic vaginal friend.

190. A friend. A friend.

191. Perhaps an old friend of mine

192. can be a new friend of yours.

193. ♪ When you're feeling blue,

194. I can take it from here.

195. Everybody!

196. Go on! Go on!

197. Oh, you've missed it now.

198. You missed it. That's the end. You say it there.

199. Right now...

200. Right now, we're going to do it.

201. We'll do it, "On his way." Three, four...

202. Terrible. Absolutely terrible.

203. Again.

204. ♪ Way

205. No, it's a D Flat.

206. We'll call it there

207. Don't patronize me.

208. Right, let's meet a new friend.

209. Right, stand back everyone.

210. Get ready to see some magic!

211. Hello, Santa!

212. Hello, Mr. Snowman!

213. Merry Christmas, my old friend.

214. Well, if you've called on me,

215. that must mean someone's lost their Christmas cheer.

216. That's right. Come inside and meet Belle!

217. I'll have to be careful I don't melt!

218. Oh, get over yourself.

219. Hello, Belle!

220. Hello, Mr. Snowman!

221. It's very nice to meet you!

222. I'm going to be your new best friend!

223. Give me a hug!

224. Yay!

225. We're going to have so much fun!

226. We can play together.

227. Every day's an adventure in the snow.

228. This is not your best work, Chris.

229. I'm always happy to make a new friend.

230. There we go, Belle. Don't you feel better now?

231. Yes, thank you, Santa.

232. Much, much better.

233. Oh, don't cry.

234. Us elves don't like it when people cry.

235. I can't bear to look.

236. I'm sorry.

237. It seems like nothing can bring back my Christmas cheer.

238. Sometimes everyone feels sad.

239. Denise left me.

240. I've not gotten over that.

241. I'm sure I can cheer Belle up, Santa.

242. Most of the time I'm fine and then...

243. bam!

244. It hits you.

245. I'm always happy.

246. Why? You're essentially enslaved.

247. Why don't you take a look at what gifts Santa has brought

248. and see what there is for you?

249. Can we help you?

250. No! No it's fine.

251. I've got it.

252. I've practiced this.

253. Yeah!

254. There!

255. It's a new doll!

256. Aw, thank you, Mr. Snowman.

257. It says on my list

258. that dolls aren't Belle's favorite toy.

259. - This calls for the toy machine. - Of course!

260. We can make it appear by magic!

261. Can't we, Nostle?

262. I think I'm running out of air!

263. That's right!

264. - Ready, Nostle? Ready!

265. Here we go.

266. Three.

267. Two.

268. One!

269. Wow!

270. This is the magical toy machine.

271. It can make anything you can dream of.

272. Any toy imaginable.

273. Not rude stuff, obviously.

274. Tell me, Belle,

275. what are your favorite things in the world?

276. Unicorns!

277. I think we can manage that, can't we, Nostle?

278. My legs are numb!

279. And here we go.

280. Here we are.

281. One unicorn.

282. Oh, he's... He's beautiful.

283. And it's time for us to be on our way.

284. Of course. Lots more toys to be delivered!

285. But look, Santa,

286. Belle's still crying.

287. What is it now? What a drain.

288. Christmas is hard for all of us, you know.

289. Where are my gifts?

290. Think about that.

291. What's wrong, Belle?

292. Oh, I'm sorry.

293. Thank you.

294. I love my new friend,

295. and my new doll and my new unicorn...

296. but I just still don't feel very happy.

297. Something else must be wrong.

298. Something else must be wrong!

299. Come on guys, switch on!

300. Belle?

301. What's all that noise?

302. Oh, it's Mummy! Hide!

303. Quickly, behind the curtains.

304. Belle?

305. Are you awake, darling?

306. Sleep well, sweetheart.

307. Lawrence...

308. When are you coming back? It's gone 10:00.

309. What do you mean you're not?

310. It's Christmas Eve and we're all alone.

311. Belle's counting on you.

312. I'm counting on you.

313. Merry Christmas, Belle.

314. Now I know why you're so sad.

315. Oh, Belle,

316. family is the most important thing in the world,

317. especially at Christmas.

318. Oh, no!

319. Did you enjoy that, Belle?

320. Not even that lifted my spirit.

321. Lifted mine.

322. Do your parents fight a lot, Belle?

323. My mummy and daddy fight all the time.

324. And the truth comes out!

325. I don't want presents or even friends,

326. all I want is for my parents to be happy.

327. It's like Nostle always says.

328. I'm horribly burned.

329. I just don't know what else we can try.

330. My buttons are made of biscuits.

331. We could all eat those.

332. Thank you, Mr. Snowman!

333. Mmm.

334. Did that taste good?

335. Yes.

336. Didn't make you happy though, did it?

337. I'm afraid not, Nistle.

338. Of course it didn't. She just ate a plastic button off his pants.

339. Oh, Santa, remember,

340. we have still have presents to deliver tonight,

341. all over the world.

342. I'm sorry, Belle. Nipple's right.

343. We have to go.

344. Come on, Nozzle.

345. We must return to the chimney.

346. You're already in the chimney, you fool.

347. The sleigh's in the garden anyway.

348. None of this play makes sense.

349. I shall return to the snow.

350. This is not your best work, Chris.

351. - Santa! It's time to leave. - Hmm!

352. Goodbye, Belle.

353. Merry Christmas.

354. Oh!

355. Oh, Santa, now you look sad.

356. I've never failed to bring Christmas cheer to a little one before.

357. It is a sad, sad Christmas.

358. And we've never known the magical toy machine not to work.

359. What a car crash.

360. - But Santa, look!

361. Sleep tight, Belle.

362. Lawrence?

363. Look what I found.

364. Is that the Christmas star?

365. Yes.

366. Oh, thank you so much, darling.

367. It must have fallen out on the garden path

368. when I was bringing in the decorations.

369. Splendid.

370. Now it really feels like Christmas.

371. Mummy? Daddy!

372. Oh, sorry, Belle.

373. I didn't mean to wake you.

374. Have you stopped fighting?

375. Yes, Belle.

376. Yes, we have.

377. I'm sorry I lost my temper.

378. I thought you were fighting because of me.

379. Of course not, sweetheart.

380. I'm sorry for arguing with you, darling.

381. Christmas isn't a time for fighting.

382. It's a time for love, kindness and understanding.

383. You stupid man.

384. I hope you have a bad Christmas.

385. Oh, Santa. Look how happy Belle is now!

386. Perhaps we weren't needed here after all.

387. All she needed was the love of her mother and...

388. Oh, this is saccharine crap.

389. Give it six months, he'll be living in his car like I am.

390. Don't feel bad, it's a Honda Civic.

391. Right, time for bed, I think,

392. or Santa won't come!

393. I'm already here, you idiot!

394. Merry Christmas, Belle.

395. Oh, thank you, Santa!

396. Thank you, Belle.

397. Let's have another one of those sherries.

398. No, I don't think that I should.

399. I'm only a little girl.

400. You're 26.

401. Right, come on. Final hurdle, here we go.

402. What have you learned?

403. Well, I've learned that at Christmas

404. I don't need presents and toys.

405. As long as I have my family in my heart,

406. I know I'll be happy.

407. Have you learned anything tonight, Santa?

408. Not really.

409. - Nothing? - No, I'll tell you one thing I have learnt.

410. Christmas, ultimately, commercial holiday.

411. Who's the real winner at Christmas?

412. I'll tell you who. Amazon.

413. They have drones now.

414. Tiny little dystopian sleighs

415. delivering iPads and headphones.

416. I ordered a toaster,

417. it was on the doorstep five hours later.

418. Do we need that?

419. It was 4.99.

420. For a toaster!

421. I mean, someone's being exploited there, aren't they?

422. Santa, I think we should...

423. I know! I know!

424. I expect you're all going to write in, aren't you?

425. Typical BBC audience.

426. Nothing better to do

427. than sit around complaining about my conduct.

428. Well, this time just leave it.

429. All right? Leave it.

430. Don't cut away.

431. We've had enough complaints this series,

432. no one even reads them anymore.

433. Do you know what we do with them?

434. We burn them.

435. In a massive weekly bonfire in the car park.

436. Which ironically generates a lot of complaints.

437. Santa, I think we should go.

438. Oh, yes, walk away!

439. - Just like Denise! Oh!

440. Am I giving a good performance?

441. Aw! Bye-bye, Santa.

442. Wow. Hint taken.

443. Let's roll.

444. Hello, Rudolph.

445. Chris, you're having a shocker.

446. - Bye, Belle! - Bye, Santa!

447. Are you ready, Rudolph?

448. Clearly a matter for rehearsal, Dennis.

449. Remember, little ones,

450. if you're ever worried about a thing,

451. I'll come to your house.

452. A merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

453. Belle's family were reunited.

454. They were full of festive cheer.

455. All looking forward

456. to a happy new year.