The Garfield Show 1x42

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Garfield tells us about history of dogs, but puts them in a negative light. When Odie and his dog friends save Garfield's favorite Italian restaurant from a kitchen fire, Garfield is forced to admit that even dogs aren't that stupid.

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1. I found an old empty TV set in the vacant lot down the street.

2. It's heavy, but this will be worth it.

3. Oh, there you are. I'm about to leave for my trip, Garfield.

4. Bring me something.

5. Now, I'm counting on you to be nice to Odie while I'm gone.

6. You can take care of yourself, but if anything happens to Odie...

7. I know, I know. No lasagna until a century after next.

8. Well, you know. See you in a couple of days.

9. It's okay. I won't annoy Odie...

10. too much.

11. Good afternoon. I'm Walter Turkeybaster with the news for puppy dogs.

12. And here are the headlines.

13. Major scientific breakthrough in flea baths,

14. city to repaint all fire hydrants,

15. and new lower prices on cute little rubber squeaky toys.

16. You dropped your bone.

17. Thank you.

18. Wait! We have breaking news!

19. The city has just passed a law banning all puppy dogs.

20. Oh, no!

21. The mayor has ordered that all puppies be arrested and locked in a small cage

22. where they will be fed only raisins.

23. Only raisins? - Quick, Odie! You have to hide!

24. They're coming for you!

25. No, no, no! That won't work! They'll find you!

26. Alright, puppy dog. We know you're in there!

27. This is the police. Come out with your paws up.

28. This is too good, this is great!

29. Hi, puppy dog.

30. What's wrong, little puppy? I won't hurt you.

31. I didn't know puppy dogs could climb trees.

32. Uh-oh.

33. Aww, poor little puppy dog.

34. I hope you didn't hurt yourself.

35. My mommy will see if you're alright. She used to be a nurse.

36. Garfield, that was a mean and crummy thing to do.

37. You're right, Squeak. But it was so funny.

38. Come on, Squeak.

39. Odie will be fine. He'll be wandering back in a little while.

40. And then I'll do it to him again! I'm so bad!

41. There's nothing wrong with this little puppy, Nathan dear.

42. He's fine.

43. Can we feed him, Mommy?

44. Well, I suppose. That is, if he's hungry.

45. Yeah! Yeah!

46. Get those Peruvian sardines out of the refrigerator, dear.

47. What's wrong, little puppy?

48. Puppy, you act like you expect someone to swoop in

49. and just take them away from you.

50. Yeah! Yeah!

51. Ohh!

52. They're all yours. You can eat them all by yourself.

53. I can?

54. When is Odie coming back? I have more tricks planned.

55. He only went across the street and...

56. Hey, that kid's part of the new family that moved in here last week.

57. Go, boy! Fetch the stick!

58. He's throwing the stick so Odie can fetch it for him.

59. What's the point of that?

60. When I throw the stick, I make sure it and Odie don't come back for a long time.

61. Okay. He'll be back.

62. Yeah, he'll be back.

63. Mom! The puppy and I get along great.

64. Can I keep him? Can I?

65. I don't know. He may belong to someone.

66. Puppy, do you belong to someone?

67. Mm-hmm.

68. Uh-uh!

69. Well, Nathan, you did do very well on your latest science project.

70. I guess you deserve a reward.

71. Yay!

72. We need to give you a name, puppy.

73. This is a book of doggie names. How about Rover?

74. Hmm-mm.

75. - Fido? - Hmm-mm.

76. - Lassie?

77. Oh, that's right. You're a boy dog. How about Fluffy?

78. Blecch!

79. Boy, here's a real dumb name.

80. Can you believe that someone would actually name a dog "Odie"?

81. All Jon left me to eat while he's gone is this stuff.

82. Look at these ingredients!

83. No pasta. No ricotta cheese. No marinara sauce!

84. And they call this cat food?

85. I'm gonna go use Jon's computer while he's gone. Any sign of the pup?

86. Odie will be back.

87. He'll be back.

88. Why isn't Odie back?

89. I'll have to bring him back.

90. You like this, don't you? Yeah.

91. We're gonna get you some new doggie toys, and for dinner, lasagna.

92. Lasagna? I'm eating canned nothing and he's getting lasagna?

93. Nathan!

94. That's Mom! I'll be right back.

95. Odie, quick! Here's your chance.

96. Sneak out the window and I'll get you home.

97. - Uh-uh. - You don't want to come home?

98. - This is your home now? - Mm-hmm.

99. - See you, pup. - Bye!

100. While you're busy, Mom, may I work on my new science project?

101. That's a good idea.

102. Stupid dog.

103. Imagine picking luxury and lasagna over being tormented by me.

104. Well, I won't miss him.

105. In fact, it'll be nice having the house as a puppy-free zone.

106. I don't care if he ever comes back.

107. Puppy! You're going to help me with my new science experiment.

108. This is my lab, puppy.

109. This is where I am going to transform you into a cockroach!

110. Uh-oh.

111. Hi, Garfield. I was just placing a bid on a piece of cheddar,

112. and I was looking at some of the videos Jon's taken of you around the house.

113. - So, Odie isn't coming back? - No. I can't understand why.

114. Here. I'll show you why.

115. Excuse me.

116. Twenty-seven feet. A new record.

117. Don't slurp! Don't slurp!

118. I'm asking you nicely, don't slurp!

119. Alright, you're asking for it.

120. Do not open until Christmas.

121. - Now do you see why? - I guess.

122. What difference does it make?

123. He's living the good life across the street.

124. It's no use. You can't get away! You'll be a cockroach in no time!

125. Whoa. He sounds upset. Maybe they're out of his favorite mustard.

126. He doesn't sound like he's having a great time.

127. No, he doesn't.

128. Wait for me!

129. In one minute, you'll be a cockroach.

130. The world needs my invention!

131. Everyone will want to turn their dog into a cockroach!

132. Hurry! Here's what I need you to do. Okay.

133. - Why does someone always interrupt you

134. just when you're about to turn your dog into a cockroach?

135. Whew!

136. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, turning you into a cockroach!

137. I was about to—

138. Where did he go? Where did my cockroach-to-be disappear to?

139. Stop! What are you doing?

140. No!

141. Sorry, fella. I need my friend back. I've been kinda rotten to him lately.

142. - No!

143. - You can't do this to me!

144. This was my invention!

145. This is only supposed to be used on dogs! And my math teacher!

146. We made it!

147. What? You heard me say I've been kinda rotten to my friend lately?

148. Mm-hmm.

149. Well, I didn't mean that. I just, what I was... Well, it's...

150. We have breaking news!

151. Odie the Pup is home,

152. and Garfield won't do anything mean to him for at least two weeks.

153. Make it a week and you've got a deal, pal.

154. Yeah! Yeah, yeah!

155. Woof!

156. Huh?

157. Hmm?

158. Ohh!

159. Dogs. Why?

160. That is the subject of our program, and I hope you'll stay tuned

161. as we delve into the mystifying and somewhat inexplicable behavior

162. of the species known as dogs, or, more formally, Canis lupis familiaris,

163. or, as I like to call them, muttonheads.

164. To understand dogs, we must retrace their history

165. to have a better understanding of what made them what they are today,

166. slobbering flea hotels who drink out of toilets.

167. "Most scientists believe that dogs are directly descended

168. from the gray wolf.

169. The gray wolf was both a hunter and a hunted.

170. Wolves travel in packs and use a loud and annoying howl to communicate."

171. The wolves' howl can be heard up to ten miles.

172. And their breath can be smelled up to 17 miles.

173. It is difficult to say exactly how the first wolf was tamed,

174. paving the way to the present day domesticated dog.

175. Oh, yes. Charming, aren't they? Moving on...

176. "Early cavemen used dogs to help them hunt.

177. Dogs had an acute sense of smell,

178. and they could pick up scents that the cavemen could not."

179. As you see, dogs were quite helpful to early man.

180. Uhh...

181. "Man continued to train and tame the dog.

182. He must have been searching for some reason for a dog to exist.

183. This next evolution in dog-dom..."

184. or, as I like to say, dumb-dog-dom... "introduced us to the 'working dog.'

185. The working dog was a dog that was good at herding, hauling, and pulling."

186. Obviously, man had his work cut out for him

187. in trying to turn the working dog into something of value.

188. That's right, boy.

189. In fact, I believe you were bred to be a working dog.

190. Specifically, a paperweight, or a doorstop or a big stone.

191. Ohh!

192. Good boy.

193. For a brief time, dogs became slightly more sophisticated

194. as lords and ladies of the manor, hoping to find a purpose for the dog,

195. used their beasts for sport.

196. I do say, is that a covey of pheasants in the distance?

197. I do believe you are right, old boy. Shall we point the way?

198. Indeed. Let's.

199. Tea?

200. Somehow, between then and now, dogs became very...

201. very stupid.

202. - How stupid are they? - I thought you'd never ask.

203. I'll show you how stupid. May we have a well-respected scientist, please?

204. Good afternoon, or good evening. I have no idea what time it is.

205. But I am here to test the intelligence of your average dog.

206. But first, as a comparison, I shall test a non-dog animal.

207. Might I have a volunteer?

208. Here's your volunteer. Check my smarts, professor.

209. Yes. Very good. We shall check the brain power of this pussycat.

210. Now, according to this, the cat is as smart as a rocket scientist!

211. A brilliant surgeon! A great philosopher!

212. How about the guy who invented microwave lasagna?

213. Now, I am to test a dog. But where will I find a dog to test?

214. Un momento, scientist-type!

215. Here. This is a dog. I know that because I'm incredibly smart.

216. Stay!

217. Now, I shall measure the power of his brain.

218. Any second now. It is here somewhere. And it's...

219. there it is.

220. No, that's a pimple.

221. Here. Maybe this will help.

222. Found it!

223. According to this, the dog is as smart as a...

224. a common houseplant! An amoeba!

225. A medium-sized container of potato salad!

226. Aww! Don't take it so hard, Odie. Potato salad is very popular.

227. - Nice work, professor. - Glad to be of service, Garfield.

228. Sometime this century,

229. people got the notion that dogs were fashionable.

230. Ahem. They even carried dogs around like they were accessories.

231. Well, if you can't find anything useful to do with a dog,

232. you might as well dress it up and take it out.

233. Hmm?

234. Check that.

235. I guess you can dress a dog up, but apparently you cannot take them out.

236. And, we're clear.

237. Nice job, Garfield. Let's take five.

238. Whoa, hold the phone,

239. I didn't write the history of dogs, I'm just narrating it.

240. I know, boy. I'd be embarrassed, too.

241. I think you need a little fresh air.

242. Dogs. Can't live with them, can't live with them.

243. Garfield.

244. Fire!

245. Fire?

246. Hyaah!

247. Mamma mia! It's fire!

248. Yaaaaaa!

249. You dogs! You saved me! You saved my pizza! It's a miracle!

250. Oh, thank you, good doggies!

251. What? Vito's is on fire?

252. What! Vito's is on fire?

253. And you say the dogs saved you and your pizza parlor?

254. That's right. The dogs, they save Vito, Vito's building, Vito's Pizza!

255. They are heroes. They wake me up, they put out fire.

256. All these dogs, these brilliant, brave dogs, they saved Vito!

257. They get free pizza for life!

258. You've got to be kidding me.

259. Ladies and gentlemen, and cats and dogs,

260. during the course of filming "The History of Dogs,"

261. an unusual thing happened. Witness...

262. Therefore, I must conclude,

263. that while dogs do love to drink out of toilets,

264. sniff each other, slobber, drool, and...

265. I must also admit that throughout history, dogs have exhibited some admirable traits.

266. - They have keen sight and smell.

267. - They are strong.

268. - They are intelligent, - Huh!

269. and they are loyal and brave.

270. In conclusion, let's just say that dogs are not worthless beads of sweat.

271. That they might actually have some value.

272. That they might, in fact, be man's best friend.

273. And, cut! That's a wrap, people!

274. So, how was that?

275. Oh, and did I mention that they are cat's best friend as well?