1. I found an old empty TV set
in the vacant lot down the street.
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2. It's heavy, but this will be worth it.
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3. Oh, there you are.
I'm about to leave for my trip, Garfield.
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4. Bring me something.
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5. Now, I'm counting on you
to be nice to Odie while I'm gone.
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6. You can take care of yourself,
but if anything happens to Odie...
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7. I know, I know.
No lasagna until a century after next.
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8. Well, you know.
See you in a couple of days.
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9. It's okay. I won't annoy Odie...
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10. too much.
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11. Good afternoon. I'm Walter Turkeybaster
with the news for puppy dogs.
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12. And here are the headlines.
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13. Major scientific breakthrough
in flea baths,
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14. city to repaint all fire hydrants,
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15. and new lower prices
on cute little rubber squeaky toys.
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16. You dropped your bone.
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17. Thank you.
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18. Wait! We have breaking news!
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19. The city has just passed a law
banning all puppy dogs.
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20. Oh, no!
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21. The mayor has ordered that all puppies
be arrested and locked in a small cage
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22. where they will be fed only raisins.
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23. Only raisins?
- Quick, Odie! You have to hide!
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24. They're coming for you!
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25. No, no, no! That won't work!
They'll find you!
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26. Alright, puppy dog.
We know you're in there!
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27. This is the police.
Come out with your paws up.
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28. This is too good, this is great!
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29. Hi, puppy dog.
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30. What's wrong, little puppy?
I won't hurt you.
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31. I didn't know puppy dogs
could climb trees.
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32. Uh-oh.
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33. Aww, poor little puppy dog.
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34. I hope you didn't hurt yourself.
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35. My mommy will see if you're alright.
She used to be a nurse.
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36. Garfield, that was a mean
and crummy thing to do.
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37. You're right, Squeak. But it was so funny.
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38. Come on, Squeak.
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39. Odie will be fine.
He'll be wandering back in a little while.
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40. And then I'll do it to him again!
I'm so bad!
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41. There's nothing wrong
with this little puppy, Nathan dear.
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42. He's fine.
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43. Can we feed him, Mommy?
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44. Well, I suppose. That is, if he's hungry.
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45. Yeah! Yeah!
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46. Get those Peruvian sardines out
of the refrigerator, dear.
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47. What's wrong, little puppy?
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48. Puppy, you act like you expect
someone to swoop in
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49. and just take them away from you.
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50. Yeah! Yeah!
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51. Ohh!
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52. They're all yours.
You can eat them all by yourself.
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53. I can?
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54. When is Odie coming back?
I have more tricks planned.
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55. He only went across the street and...
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56. Hey, that kid's part of the new family
that moved in here last week.
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57. Go, boy! Fetch the stick!
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58. He's throwing the stick
so Odie can fetch it for him.
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59. What's the point of that?
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60. When I throw the stick, I make sure it
and Odie don't come back for a long time.
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61. Okay. He'll be back.
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62. Yeah, he'll be back.
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63. Mom! The puppy and I get along great.
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64. Can I keep him? Can I?
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65. I don't know. He may belong to someone.
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66. Puppy, do you belong to someone?
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67. Mm-hmm.
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68. Uh-uh!
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69. Well, Nathan, you did do very well
on your latest science project.
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70. I guess you deserve a reward.
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71. Yay!
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72. We need to give you a name, puppy.
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73. This is a book of doggie names.
How about Rover?
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74. Hmm-mm.
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75. - Fido?
- Hmm-mm.
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76. - Lassie?
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77. Oh, that's right. You're a boy dog.
How about Fluffy?
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78. Blecch!
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79. Boy, here's a real dumb name.
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80. Can you believe that someone
would actually name a dog "Odie"?
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81. All Jon left me to eat
while he's gone is this stuff.
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82. Look at these ingredients!
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83. No pasta. No ricotta cheese.
No marinara sauce!
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84. And they call this cat food?
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85. I'm gonna go use Jon's computer
while he's gone. Any sign of the pup?
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86. Odie will be back.
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87. He'll be back.
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88. Why isn't Odie back?
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89. I'll have to bring him back.
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90. You like this, don't you? Yeah.
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91. We're gonna get you some new doggie toys,
and for dinner, lasagna.
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92. Lasagna? I'm eating canned nothing
and he's getting lasagna?
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93. Nathan!
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94. That's Mom! I'll be right back.
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95. Odie, quick! Here's your chance.
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96. Sneak out the window
and I'll get you home.
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97. - Uh-uh.
- You don't want to come home?
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98. - This is your home now?
- Mm-hmm.
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99. - See you, pup.
- Bye!
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100. While you're busy, Mom,
may I work on my new science project?
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101. That's a good idea.
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102. Stupid dog.
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103. Imagine picking luxury and lasagna
over being tormented by me.
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104. Well, I won't miss him.
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105. In fact, it'll be nice having the house
as a puppy-free zone.
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106. I don't care if he ever comes back.
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107. Puppy! You're going to help me
with my new science experiment.
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108. This is my lab, puppy.
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109. This is where I am going
to transform you into a cockroach!
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110. Uh-oh.
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111. Hi, Garfield. I was just placing a bid
on a piece of cheddar,
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112. and I was looking at some of the videos
Jon's taken of you around the house.
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113. - So, Odie isn't coming back?
- No. I can't understand why.
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114. Here. I'll show you why.
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115. Excuse me.
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116. Twenty-seven feet. A new record.
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117. Don't slurp! Don't slurp!
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118. I'm asking you nicely, don't slurp!
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119. Alright, you're asking for it.
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120. Do not open until Christmas.
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121. - Now do you see why?
- I guess.
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122. What difference does it make?
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123. He's living the good life
across the street.
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124. It's no use. You can't get away!
You'll be a cockroach in no time!
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125. Whoa. He sounds upset. Maybe they're out
of his favorite mustard.
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126. He doesn't sound
like he's having a great time.
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127. No, he doesn't.
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128. Wait for me!
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129. In one minute, you'll be a cockroach.
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130. The world needs my invention!
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131. Everyone will want to turn their dog
into a cockroach!
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132. Hurry! Here's what I need you to do.
Okay.
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133. - Why does someone always interrupt you
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134. just when you're about to turn your dog
into a cockroach?
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135. Whew!
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136. Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, turning you into a cockroach!
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137. I was about to—
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138. Where did he go?
Where did my cockroach-to-be disappear to?
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139. Stop! What are you doing?
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140. No!
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141. Sorry, fella. I need my friend back.
I've been kinda rotten to him lately.
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142. - No!
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143. - You can't do this to me!
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144. This was my invention!
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145. This is only supposed to be used on dogs!
And my math teacher!
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146. We made it!
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147. What? You heard me say I've been
kinda rotten to my friend lately?
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148. Mm-hmm.
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149. Well, I didn't mean that.
I just, what I was... Well, it's...
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150. We have breaking news!
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151. Odie the Pup is home,
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152. and Garfield won't do anything mean to him
for at least two weeks.
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153. Make it a week and you've got a deal, pal.
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154. Yeah! Yeah, yeah!
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155. Woof!
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156. Huh?
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157. Hmm?
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158. Ohh!
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159. Dogs. Why?
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160. That is the subject of our program,
and I hope you'll stay tuned
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161. as we delve into the mystifying
and somewhat inexplicable behavior
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162. of the species known as dogs,
or, more formally, Canis lupis familiaris,
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163. or, as I like to call them, muttonheads.
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164. To understand dogs,
we must retrace their history
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165. to have a better understanding
of what made them what they are today,
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166. slobbering flea hotels
who drink out of toilets.
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167. "Most scientists believe
that dogs are directly descended
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168. from the gray wolf.
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169. The gray wolf was both a hunter
and a hunted.
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170. Wolves travel in packs and use a loud
and annoying howl to communicate."
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171. The wolves' howl can be heard
up to ten miles.
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172. And their breath can be smelled
up to 17 miles.
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173. It is difficult to say exactly
how the first wolf was tamed,
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174. paving the way to the present day
domesticated dog.
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175. Oh, yes. Charming, aren't they?
Moving on...
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176. "Early cavemen used dogs
to help them hunt.
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177. Dogs had an acute sense of smell,
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178. and they could pick up scents
that the cavemen could not."
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179. As you see,
dogs were quite helpful to early man.
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180. Uhh...
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181. "Man continued to train and tame the dog.
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182. He must have been searching
for some reason for a dog to exist.
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183. This next evolution in dog-dom..."
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184. or, as I like to say, dumb-dog-dom...
"introduced us to the 'working dog.'
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185. The working dog was a dog that was good
at herding, hauling, and pulling."
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186. Obviously, man had his work
cut out for him
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187. in trying to turn the working dog
into something of value.
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188. That's right, boy.
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189. In fact, I believe you were bred
to be a working dog.
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190. Specifically, a paperweight,
or a doorstop or a big stone.
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191. Ohh!
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192. Good boy.
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193. For a brief time,
dogs became slightly more sophisticated
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194. as lords and ladies of the manor,
hoping to find a purpose for the dog,
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195. used their beasts for sport.
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196. I do say, is that a covey of pheasants
in the distance?
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197. I do believe you are right, old boy.
Shall we point the way?
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198. Indeed. Let's.
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199. Tea?
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200. Somehow, between then and now,
dogs became very...
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201. very stupid.
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202. - How stupid are they?
- I thought you'd never ask.
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203. I'll show you how stupid. May we have
a well-respected scientist, please?
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204. Good afternoon, or good evening.
I have no idea what time it is.
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205. But I am here to test the intelligence
of your average dog.
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206. But first, as a comparison,
I shall test a non-dog animal.
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207. Might I have a volunteer?
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208. Here's your volunteer.
Check my smarts, professor.
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209. Yes. Very good. We shall check
the brain power of this pussycat.
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210. Now, according to this,
the cat is as smart as a rocket scientist!
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211. A brilliant surgeon! A great philosopher!
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212. How about the guy
who invented microwave lasagna?
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213. Now, I am to test a dog.
But where will I find a dog to test?
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214. Un momento, scientist-type!
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215. Here. This is a dog.
I know that because I'm incredibly smart.
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216. Stay!
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217. Now, I shall measure
the power of his brain.
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218. Any second now.
It is here somewhere. And it's...
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219. there it is.
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220. No, that's a pimple.
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221. Here. Maybe this will help.
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222. Found it!
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223. According to this,
the dog is as smart as a...
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224. a common houseplant! An amoeba!
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225. A medium-sized container of potato salad!
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226. Aww! Don't take it so hard, Odie.
Potato salad is very popular.
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227. - Nice work, professor.
- Glad to be of service, Garfield.
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228. Sometime this century,
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229. people got the notion
that dogs were fashionable.
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230. Ahem. They even carried dogs around
like they were accessories.
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231. Well, if you can't find
anything useful to do with a dog,
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232. you might as well dress it up
and take it out.
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233. Hmm?
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234. Check that.
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235. I guess you can dress a dog up,
but apparently you cannot take them out.
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236. And, we're clear.
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237. Nice job, Garfield. Let's take five.
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238. Whoa, hold the phone,
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239. I didn't write the history of dogs,
I'm just narrating it.
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240. I know, boy. I'd be embarrassed, too.
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241. I think you need a little fresh air.
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242. Dogs. Can't live with them,
can't live with them.
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243. Garfield.
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244. Fire!
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245. Fire?
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246. Hyaah!
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247. Mamma mia! It's fire!
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248. Yaaaaaa!
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249. You dogs! You saved me!
You saved my pizza! It's a miracle!
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250. Oh, thank you, good doggies!
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251. What? Vito's is on fire?
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252. What! Vito's is on fire?
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253. And you say the dogs saved you
and your pizza parlor?
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254. That's right. The dogs, they save Vito,
Vito's building, Vito's Pizza!
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255. They are heroes.
They wake me up, they put out fire.
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256. All these dogs, these brilliant,
brave dogs, they saved Vito!
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257. They get free pizza for life!
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258. You've got to be kidding me.
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259. Ladies and gentlemen, and cats and dogs,
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260. during the course of filming
"The History of Dogs,"
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261. an unusual thing happened. Witness...
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262. Therefore, I must conclude,
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263. that while dogs
do love to drink out of toilets,
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264. sniff each other, slobber, drool, and...
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265. I must also admit that throughout history,
dogs have exhibited some admirable traits.
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266. - They have keen sight and smell.
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267. - They are strong.
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268. - They are intelligent,
- Huh!
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269. and they are loyal and brave.
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270. In conclusion, let's just say that dogs
are not worthless beads of sweat.
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271. That they might actually have some value.
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272. That they might, in fact,
be man's best friend.
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273. And, cut! That's a wrap, people!
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274. So, how was that?
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275. Oh, and did I mention
that they are cat's best friend as well?
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