The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 2, Episode 8

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Vincent Ventresca as Alex • Michael Weiner as Kellogg Lieberbaum • Nia Long as Lisa Wilkes • Queen Latifah as Marissa Redman • Keith Bogart as Jonathan Cartwell

Will hits it off with the full-figured Dee Dee, but her size keeps him from asking her to the dance.

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1. Ugh. I can't feel it yet, Philip.

2. Move a little to the right, baby.

3. I'm about to go downstairs to the family room.

4. Gee, I hope there ain't nobody down there

5. gettin' busy.

6. Will, your aunt thought her earring

7. rolled under the couch.

8. Look, man, y'all married.

9. Where y'all put y'all earrings

10. is y'all's business.

11. What do you want, will?

12. Y'all, them laker tickets you promised me. I'm taking jazz.

13. Ha ha. No, you're not. I'm giving the other one

14. to one of my client's daughters.

15. Oh, I get it. I get it. I get it. This is a setup, right?

16. Hey, come on, Uncle Phil, no way. I can't let my man down.

17. They're floor seats, center court.

18. You know, come to think of it,

19. I don't even know if jazz likes basketball.

20. Oh, don't try to move the couch, Philip.

21. Just forget the earring.

22. I can't.

23. Why not?

24. Because I can't stand up.

25. In theory, that probably means you can't run, either, right?

26. Which probably makes this a pretty good time to tell you

27. that, um, I wore that earring to school today.

28. Get him, Vivian.

29. well, Geoffrey, it looks like

30. I'm all ready for the harvest dance.

31. Tux—check, shoes—check,

32. and a pure silk, hand-stitched pocket square.

33. Exquisite.

34. Man.

35. Yo, this is definitely peach season, man.

36. Will, that's disgusting.

37. What?

38. Could you please clean this for me, Geoffrey?

39. I would prefer an assassin's bullet

40. to this kind of living hell.

41. Yo, I think g's drawers must be bunchin' again.

42. So have you got a date to the dance yet?

43. I will when I call Claudia.

44. Claudia? As in head cheerleader?

45. Why don't you just ask sinead o'Connor?

46. I did, but she had to wash her hair.

47. That's probably your date to the Lakers game.

48. Why don't you just take her to the dance?

49. Wait, wait, wait, wait. First of all, it's not a date.

50. She's comin' to pick up her ticket,

51. and then she's going to go.

52. Man, I'm not down with that blind date stuff.

53. Every time they get here, they look like...

54. Yo, man. Where's my date?

55. Miss Denise Williams.

56. Hi. I'm Dee Dee.

57. I can't believe we got center court

58. floor seats to the Lakers game.

59. That's my team. I know they're gonna kick butt tonight.

60. Don't you think?

61. Hello? I know they don't walk in L.A.,

62. but I at least hoped they talked.

63. I'm—I'm will, and this is my cousin Carlton.

64. Hi.

65. Can you do that and walk at the same time?

66. That's darn clever.

67. So, Dee Dee, what school do you go to?

68. I just moved—

69. listen, Dee Dee, you know what?

70. I don't think I'm gonna be able

71. to take you to that game, right?

72. See, 'cause I got all this stuff stuff piled in my car.

73. It probably wouldn't be enough room for you.

74. I mean—I mean—

75. I mean not just you. Anybody.

76. What are you talking about?

77. Our, uh, our blind date to the game.

78. Blind date? No, see, I don't do blind dates.

79. I mean, you think it's gonna be Mr. Right,

80. and then it ends up being some tall, skinny guy

81. with big ears and weird clothes.

82. I mean not just you. Anybody.

83. Well, look, here you go. Here's your ticket.

84. Um, hey, maybe I'll see you at the game.

85. You probably will.

86. I'll be the one in the seat next to you

87. shouting my phone number to magic Johnson.

88. Bye, Carlton. I'll see you later.

89. I hope magic ate his wheaties.

90. Ok, here are the files you asked for, sweetheart.

91. Thank you. Um, I need a copy of the richburg merger,

92. and find out if we got a continuance the seeger case.

93. Philip, I am tired of this.

94. You're lying on your back giving orders,

95. and I'm doing all the work.

96. Why does this seem so familiar?

97. Well, I'm sorry.

98. I was just trying to get a little work done.

99. Philip, Dr. Black said

100. the best thing for you to do is rest.

101. Now if you need anything else, use the intercom.

102. Ruff!

103. Yo, what's up, Uncle Phil?

104. Hey. Unh.

105. Hey, yo, the game was live, man.

106. The sixers crushed the Lakers. Unh.

107. I never heard so much rough language in my life.

108. Was Dee Dee offended?

109. No, only when they told her to shut up.

110. Dee Dee is real cool, though, man.

111. She's gonna come over tomorrow.

112. We're gonna listen to some tapes.

113. Ah, sounds like you two are gettin' along.

114. Why don't you ask her to the dance?

115. You're—you're clowning me, right?

116. Oh...

117. No, look, man, I'm tellin' you, you know,

118. Dee Dee is real down and everything,

119. but you know how it would be

120. to take somebody to the dance that's real big.

121. On sports. Big... Yeah.

122. Well, look, I—I already asked Claudia anyway...

123. Almost. Oh.

124. Hi, daddy.

125. Hi, baby.

126. I came to keep you company.

127. Where's the remote?

128. Ow. Darling, there's nothing on TV

129. to stimulate the intelligent mind.

130. Oh, Uncle Phil, you must be trippin', man.

131. This is the episode of Star Trek

132. where captain kirk sleeps with that green girl.

133. Will, that is such worthless drivel.

134. Oh, look! The home shopper's channel.

135. So with the sandwich king,

136. all you need is 2 pieces of white bread

137. and a can of delicious chili.

138. And in less than a minute,

139. you have a mouth-watering chili pocket.

140. You gourmets may want to squirt a little cheese on top.

141. Yuck! Man, I ain't heard nothing that disgusting

142. since Clarence Thomas found that hair on his cola.

143. Look, will, you are entitled to your opinion,

144. but the best movie ever made was not Cleopatra Jones.

145. It was Casablanca.

146. Oh, please. Here you have a movie set in Africa.

147. There's only one brother in the whole thing,

148. and he from Detroit.

149. Ok, ok, ok, but you know a movie I really like?

150. What? Shaft.

151. Shut your mouth.

152. I'm talking about shaft.

153. Then we can dig it.

154. He's a complicated man,

155. but no one understands him but his woman.

156. John shaft.

157. Thanks a lot, g.

158. Ha!

159. Ha!

160. Hey. What's up, g?

161. You don't think that's funny?

162. Oh, yes.

163. I'm about to laugh myself into a seizure.

164. This is just fine and dandy.

165. The cleaners shrunk my tux.

166. Oh, Carlton, man, you can wear that. Just put it on

167. and say, "boss, da plane, da plane!"

168. Why don't you just rent a tux?

169. Oh, great. Wear used clothes.

170. Why don't I just go pitch a tent under a freeway

171. and eat cold beans with a stick?

172. It's—it's just a dance.

173. But I heard the music is gonna be bumpin'.

174. It's probably gonna be a lot of fun.

175. Yeah.

176. Yeah, but—

177. but you know, I mean, I've—I've, uh, I've already asked Claudia, almost.

178. Oh, yeah. Right. Cool.

179. Well, you know, see,

180. I'm—I'm still trying to get my rap together.

181. I got as far as...

182. look, I don't mean to butt in,

183. but I'm sure her name is not yo,

184. and I know she ain't got your baby.

185. I mean, why don't you

186. try somethin' more honest like,

187. "I think you're great.

188. I'd be honored if you'd go to the dance with me"?

189. Honest. Damn, what a concept.

190. You know, thank you. See, you know what?

191. Most women won't tell you stuff like that.

192. That's cool.

193. No, really. You're different. You know, I mean,

194. you're not afraid to just say what you think, you know,

195. or do something silly or, you know, just bug out. That's decent.

196. You—you make me feel so— man, I don't know.

197. You're just— you're so...

198. So hungry.

199. Hungry is what you make me feel. Yeah, man.

200. Oh, I could go for a nacho refill, right? Yeah?

201. Um, right. I'm gonna— I'm gonna make this call

202. to Claudia first, though, right, you know?

203. I mean, I don't wanna forget what you said.

204. Honest, right?

205. Honest...

206. There is a hex on me.

207. All the tuxes that are halfway acceptable

208. in this town have been rented.

209. My shoes, which I put outside for a scotch-guarding

210. were carried off by a labrador retriever.

211. What else could go wrong?

212. How about that big old zit on your nose?

213. Aah.

214. Hey, look, I'm finished with my hoagie.

215. And I'm gonna go meet Dee Dee for a pizza.

216. Dee Dee? Oh, is that who you're taking to the dance?

217. Oh, no, no, no, aunt viv.

218. See, it's not like that with me and Dee Dee.

219. We're just buddies.

220. I'm going with Claudia Prescott.

221. Mmm. That girl built to take all my money.

222. I like Dee Dee.

223. She's fun.

224. And she's cute,

225. but I'm worried about her cholesterol level.

226. I'll see y'all later.

227. Ok.

228. My man will.

229. Ah, Ty, what's up, baby?

230. What up, man?

231. Dee Dee, I'd like you to meet my friend Ty.

232. Oh, my sister, how you doin'?

233. All right, will, check it out.

234. Let me go grab my order pad and I'll hook you up.

235. All right, baby.

236. Yo, bro!

237. Kellogg lieberbaum, yo.

238. This is my man cornflake.

239. Aren't you going to introduce us to your date?

240. Uh, this is my friend Dee Dee.

241. Dee Dee, meet the brat pack.

242. Hi. Hi. Hi.

243. Will, excuse me while I go to, uh...

244. To, um...

245. Ah, hell, I'm going to the bathroom.

246. Good work, bro. She's quite a fly sister.

247. Yeah, and I bet she's tons of fun.

248. You know what? As a matter of fact, she is.

249. Hey, a good honey is hard to find.

250. Of course, uh, that one would be hard to lose.

251. Uh, cornflake, remind me to talk about them guys' mothers

252. when we get to school on Monday.

253. Yo, um, Ty, gimme a large pepperoni and two colas.

254. Uh-huh, so we got your date covered.

255. What you havin'?

256. Hey, look, Ty, come on, please. Don't even start.

257. That is my friend. That's it.

258. A'ight. Cool out, man, you know, 'cause

259. it ain't my fault the babe's got more buns

260. than a day-old bakery. That's all I'm sayin'.

261. Hold, hold, hold on. How are you trying to play me?

262. Now, you've seen the honeys I had up in here.

263. That's right. I can't figure out

264. how a brother goes from t-bone to rump roast. That's all.

265. Man, give me some credit, man.

266. That girl was not my girlfriend.

267. I'm not your friend, either.

268. Hey, Dee Dee, hey, this is will. Pick up that phone, girl.

269. Hey, Dee Dee, I ain't playin', pick up the phone.

270. Hey, Dee Dee, if you don't pick up that phone,

271. I'm going to have to...

272. Call you back.

273. And I ain't afraid to do it, neither.

274. Hey, Dee Dee, I'm sorry about yesterday.

275. I was trippin'. I'll call you back later. Bye.

276. You know, I don't even know why I'm making a big deal about this.

277. She's not even my type.

278. Well, you like the same movies,

279. the same music, same food, same jokes,

280. and you both enjoy sticking straws up your noses.

281. I know, aunt viv, but other than that, we don't have nothin' in common.

282. It's her weight, isn't it?

283. You may have noticed

284. that your Uncle Philip is overweight.

285. And you may also have noticed that I could care less

286. and that I love him very, very much.

287. Dad changed his mind. He doesn't want a Belgian waffle.

288. He wants you to use his new sandwich king

289. to make a chili pocket sandwich.

290. I'll put some chili in his pocket.

291. Dee Dee?

292. Hold on.

293. It's for you, man.

294. Hello?

295. Oh, hi, Kelly.

296. All ready for tomorrow night's big soiree?

297. What do you mean, you can't go?

298. What kind of medical reason?

299. A pimple?

300. Kelly, that's no reason to stay home.

301. Look, I have a pimple.

302. Actually, I have two.

303. Hello?

304. That's it. My life is cursed.

305. No tux, no shoes, no date.

306. Ok, ok, don't panic.

307. There's got to be someone I can call.

308. But what kind of girl is sitting home without a date

309. for a Saturday night?

310. A great girl.

311. So anyway, Tiffany and nikka and I

312. walk into the yacht club,

313. and we're the only ones in white.

314. So Tiffany says,

315. "my God, it's the day after labor day."

316. And we just all wanted to die.

317. And that's a true story.

318. Wow, have you sold the movie rights yet?

319. I don't get it.

320. Oh, look, here comes Carlton.

321. Come on in, sir. You look cool, man.

322. Well, maybe you're right.

323. I probably don't look as bad as I think, huh?

324. No. You got a sort of a, uh...

325. Lou rawls thing goin' there, man.

326. Yes, Carlton.

327. You do look topnotch, I must say so. Honestly.

328. Will, if he sits with us, I'm leaving.

329. Claudia, what are you talkin' about? That's my cousin.

330. Ooh...

331. Well, it ain't like we brothers or nothin'. Beat it, c.

332. Hey, hey, Carlton.

333. Great minds think alike, huh?

334. I wonder if you could hang yourself with a cummerbund?

335. Next to your faithful dog,

336. this prince Albert pants presser is a man's best friend.

337. For just 39.95,

338. your creases will be the talk of the town.

339. Darn, that's what I should have ordered

340. instead of that pinkie ring.

341. What is going on in here?

342. Oh, we're shopping in the comfort of our home

343. and we're saving money, too.

344. How do they do it? Volume!

345. Philip, Dr. Black said you should be resting.

346. I want everyone to leave.

347. Bye, daddy.

348. Bye, baby.

349. Last one to the family room

350. pays for all the shipping and handling.

351. Philip, if you ever want to stand up straight again,

352. you need some rest.

353. Ok, I'll just lay here and do nothin',

354. flat on my back.

355. Philip, I'm so sorry if I was...

356. Stupid enough to think that there was something really wrong with you!

357. Vivian. It's a miracle.

358. I can walk!

359. And then if you divide the number of atoms

360. in a cubic centimeter of air

361. by the number of people in this room,

362. you get a prime number.

363. That is totally nifty. Isn't it, Carlton?

364. So there we are, in a sailboat

365. in the middle of the lake, and I look down,

366. and nikka has on sandals instead of deck shoes.

367. I mean, can you just imagine how I felt?

368. Yeah, like jammin' a fork in your hand,

369. you know, just to make sure you're still alive.

370. No, but that's ok.

371. Look, I'm going to go fix my hair. Come on.

372. Cornflake, come on. Come with me, man.

373. You push her in. I'll flush.

374. I wonder what Dee Dee is doin', man?

375. She's dancing.

376. What, how do you know that?

377. Because she's right over there.

378. Hey, wait a minute.

379. She's supposed to be at home not returning my phone calls.

380. Oh. Oh, excuse me.

381. Oh, Dee Dee. What are you doing here?

382. And who's this?

383. I'm dancing. This is Robert.

384. Robert, this is will. We used to hang out.

385. Hi, will.

386. I'm gonna go get us some punch.

387. Thank you.

388. Where you find him at, rent-a-sucker?

389. Look, I'm on a date, will. You know,

390. like when a guy who likes a girl asks her out

391. they go somewhere, and he still acts nice to her

392. when they get there?

393. You know, I do go on dates.

394. Look, Dee Dee, I just thought that—

395. you just thought that 'cause I'm not a size 6,

396. no one would ask me out.

397. Well, not everyone feels like that.

398. I mean, that's just your hang-up, isn't it?

399. Dee Dee, listen. I really like you a lot, all right?

400. You really like being with me

401. as long as no one thinks you're with me.

402. I mean, I'm sorry. But that's just not good enough for me.

403. So that's when we realized

404. that we were the only ones in white,

405. and we just all wanted to die.

406. You know what color I really like?

407. Huh?

408. Straw-Berry! Ah ha!

409. I don't get it.

410. And now that beemer runs like a top.

411. You know, I think that's really...

412. Ex-straw-dinary!

413. I don't get it.

414. wait, wait. Hold it, Dee Dee.

415. Would you ever wear white after labor day?

416. If I can button it and it's clean,

417. I'll pretty much wear anything.

418. My kind of honey.

419. you know, Dee Dee, I never thought I'd have you in bed

420. on the first night.

421. Will, I can honestly say

422. this is the first time I've ever done this.

423. I can't believe we didn't get in on that abdomenizer.

424. That's because you couldn't decide

425. between the chocolate gavel

426. and the picture of the dogs playing poker.

427. Will you two be quiet?

428. I'm trying to hear the musical toilet seat.

429. It's 12:01. Thank God this day is over.

430. I look like I escaped from the seventies.

431. I spent the whole night with two guys

432. who consider picking their faces a hobby,

433. and I got a flat tire on the way home.

434. I just wanna sit down and pretend this never happened,

435. and if one more thing happens to me,

436. I'm going to kill myself.

437. Oh, my God!

438. Other than that, man, I mean, I like her.

439. Besides I've already asked Claudia.

440. Besides I've already asked out Claudia!

441. Too late.

442. Damn!

443. I can't believe we got Lakers teats,

444. center clort, floor—damn!

445. I would prefer an assassin's bullet to this kind of living hell.

446. I'm sorry.