1. Hi, mom.
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2. So, what's my little man
workin' so hard at?
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3. Uhh! It's math. But,
hey, this can wait.
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4. You're only gonna
be here a few days.
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5. No, no. Don't
worry about it.
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6. I'll entertain myself.
Go ahead.
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7. Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, babe.
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8. Blow.
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9. Mom, what
are you doin'?
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10. I said blow.
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11. Good boy.
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12. Put this on you.
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13. Oh, come on, mom.
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14. I'm sorry.
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15. Y-you know what, mom?
I can do this later.
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16. Hey, why don't we
go somewhere
and have some fun?
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17. Fun? William,
you gotta learn
how to concentrate.
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18. Now, your schoolwork comes
before anything else.
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19. All right.
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20. Will.
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21. Now, keep studying.
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22. put the champagne
over there,
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23. then go out and help
set up the tables.
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24. And if you value your tip,
stop looking at my behind.
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25. Oh, I can't believe
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26. my baby sister's
getting married.
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27. I can. I just paid
the florist.
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28. Philip, all you ever
think about is money.
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29. No, that's not true,
Vivian.
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30. Sometimes
I think about...
Other things.
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31. Would you two
knock it off?
You're married.
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32. It's time
you start
actin' like it.
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33. Viola, this is
why I got married.
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34. Mother, please.
It's the nineties.
And you know,
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35. a woman doesn't have
to be married to—
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36. like, I read
about it, ok?
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37. Where do you want these?
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38. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
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39. Lady, don't you know
any other words?
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40. No.
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41. I'm sorry. Pea green
patio chairs?
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42. I don't think so.
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43. This is not
a ninja turtle wedding.
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44. Oh! Do I have to do
everything myself?
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45. Miss hilary, the day
you do everything
for yourself
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46. will be the day
I square-dance naked
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47. on the white house
lawn.
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48. Do we have
a safety deposit box?
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49. I want to hide my things
before aunt Helen
and Uncle Lester
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50. get here with Bobby.
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51. Oh, Ashley, your cousin
Bobby is not that bad.
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52. Mom, last time he came
here, he pulled off
Barbie's arm
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53. and burned down
her dream house.
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54. Now, now, Bobby,
don't attack the squirrel!
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55. I'm outta here.
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56. Hey! Hi, everybody.
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57. Helen, how are you?
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58. Hi!
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59. Hi, sweetie pie!
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60. Oh, my, my, my!
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61. Is this the banks's house
or Buckingham Palace?
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62. Hey, big sister vy.
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63. You got
a boyfriend yet?
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64. There ain't no point
in saving nothin'
these days.
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65. You hear
what I'm sayin'?
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66. The whole neighborhood
hears what you sayin'.
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67. Well, Helen, I see
you still haven't
come out of your shell.
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68. Vivian, girl,
you look good.
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69. And you've
lost weight in all
the right places. Ha ha!
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70. Philip, you look good...
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71. And you look good.
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72. Oh,
where's Carlton?
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73. Bobby, covering
a person's eyes
when they're driving
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74. is not a very wise
thing to do.
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75. And don't ever
call me a weenie-face
in public again.
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76. Well, we're
in private now,
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77. weenie-face.
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78. Carlton,
take the luggage
upstairs.
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79. Now, you three
will sleep
in Carlton's room,
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80. and Carlton
will sleep
in will's room.
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81. I wanna sleep
with Carlton.
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82. I always dreamt
when I heard those words,
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83. it'd be Paula Abdul
sayin' them.
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84. Oh, Lester, how about
a little NFL action, huh?
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85. Man, I'll take all
the action I can get.
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86. Yo, yo, yo,
look who I found
at the airport.
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87. Divas!
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88. Baby girl!
Aah!
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89. How are you doing?
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90. Wait a minute. Now,
where is the groom?
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91. Frank is coming
in the morning. He had
to take care of some business.
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92. Oh, yeah.
Speaking of taking care
of business, does he?
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93. Forever is
a long time, sister.
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94. Not in front
of will, please.
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95. Viola, wake up. Will
is 17 years old.
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96. He's probably
taken care
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97. of a little
business himself.
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98. Haven't you,
will?
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99. Absolutely not!
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100. Vivian, Frank and I
appreciate you
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101. givin' us this wedding
on short notice.
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102. Oh. I want you to be
my matron of honor.
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103. Oh, of course I will.
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104. And, uh, guess who's
gonna be the best man...
Naturally.
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105. Will?
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106. Yo, now?
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107. Hey, I did teach her
how to burp on command.
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108. And I did teach you
how to dance.
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109. Oh. Uh-oh.
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110. Oh, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
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111. Hold it,
aunt Janice.
Hold it.
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112. That was, like,
10 years ago.
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113. I'm, like, light-years
ahead of you now.
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114. Ahhh...
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115. Ohh.
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116. Yeah.
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117. Thanks a lot,
aunt Janice.
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118. Ooh!
I am so happy.
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119. Ha!
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120. Oh, look at the size
of this rock!
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121. Ooh, Gibraltar
is a molehill.
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122. Right. Later on
this afternoon,
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123. you ladies
can go skatin'
on it.
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124. Aaahh!
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125. Ok!
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126. Boy, isn't this
somethin'?
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127. The Smith sisters
are together again.
Yes, we are.
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128. The good, the bad,
and the—
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129. don't even try it.
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130. You need a pedicure.
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131. You know,
I would crack
on your feet,
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132. but they don't reach
all the way up here.
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133. Will...
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134. You want to get married?
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135. All right, that's it!
Get outta my bed!
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136. Not to me, you pervert.
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137. I'm sorry, man.
This is L.A.
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138. Well, I'm definitely
getting married,
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139. and I want my wife
to be a virgin.
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140. Well... You better
hurry up, man.
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141. Mother Teresa ain't
gettin' no younger.
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142. My wife—
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143. the limber but
unspoiled brigitta—
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144. she'll be
an excellent homemaker
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145. and have the breasts
the size of Australia.
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146. I don't know, man.
I just can't imagine
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147. wakin' up
to the same woman
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148. every day for
the rest of my life,
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149. no matter how big
Australia is.
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150. Come on, will.
You really don't want
to get married?
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151. I don't know, man.
Uh... Maybe one day,
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152. you know, when
I'm old and gray,
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153. you know, around 29,
30 years old.
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154. Heck, by then, young Carlton
will be interviewing
for preschool,
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155. and carltonette will be
a little croissant
in the oven.
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156. Well, that's good.
Then they'll be able
to baby-sit little will,
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157. Wilma, wilhemina,
wilton, and baby Willa.
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158. Good night, will.
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159. Carlton?
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160. Yeah?
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161. Is that your feet,
or did you break wind?
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162. Sorry, will.
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163. Janice, I'm startin'
to get worried.
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164. Shouldn't Frank
be here by now?
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165. Vivian, I know
my sweetheart.
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166. He'll be here
because there's
absolutely nothing else
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167. he would rather
be doing today.
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168. Carlton, come on, man,
it is not that serious.
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169. I'm head Usher,
and there's
no one to seat.
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170. I'll be all dressed
up with absolutely
nothin' to do.
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171. Just think of it
as one of your dates.
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172. All right,
Bobby, sit.
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173. And stay.
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174. Carlton,
it's your shift.
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175. I'm going to get
my tubes tied.
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176. Cousin Carlton,
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177. tomorrow, can you
take me to Disneyland?
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178. Forget it!
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179. I will not be an accomplice
to the murder of Mickey mouse.
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180. You know, Bobby,
I love it when you
come to visit, man.
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181. They appreciate me
so much more when you leave.
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182. Oh, it's him!
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183. I gotta go
fix my makeup.
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184. Mr. Frank shaeffer.
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185. Oh, yeah.
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186. Oh, yeah.
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187. Yes! Yes!
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188. Welcome to our family.
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189. I'm vy.
I raised Janice.
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190. And, lookin'
at you, I know
I raised her right.
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191. Those are
the other two sisters.
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192. Ah, yes, yes.
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193. Cute, cute, cute,
and cute.
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194. A dangerous combination.
Ha ha ha!
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195. Why don't you come in,
make yourself comfortable?
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196. Hey.
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197. Your little woman
will be down any minute.
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198. Great.
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199. Mmm,
mmm, mmm!
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200. Thanks a lot, buddy.
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201. Thanks.
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202. Baby!
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203. Ohhh...
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204. Hey, my brother,
you gonna let her
tip him like that?
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205. Man, what does she do
when y'all eat out?
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206. Everybody,
this is Frank.
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207. Frank,
this is everybody.
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208. Come on, honey.
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209. I'll show you
to your room.
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210. Ahem. Excuse me,
but, uh...
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211. What happened
to the little lady
y'all promised me?
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212. Here's $5.00.
Go find your own.
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213. Gee, when Janice
described him,
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214. she didn't mention
that he was...
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215. Tall.
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216. Not that I have
any problem
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217. with people who—
who are... Tall.
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218. My cousin used to date
a girl who was, uh... Tall.
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219. Heck, the boys go
to a predominantly...
Tall school.
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220. Am I alone in this,
or didn't y'all notice
he was white?
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221. What the hell
is wrong with Janice?
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222. I'm sorry.
Did I say white?
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223. I meant tall.
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224. He didn't seem
that tall to me.
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225. I do not want my sister
marryin' that man!
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226. But aunt j
seems so happy.
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227. Doesn't she?
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228. And—and that's what
we want for her.
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229. Isn't it?
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230. vy, this is
her decision.
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231. Let Janice do what
she wants to do.
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232. Well,
she can do it
without us.
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233. Come on, will.
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234. Hey, wait. Mom. Mom.
Hold up.
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235. Wait. I'm
the best man.
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236. Not anymore, you're not.
I said, come on.
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237. She breast-fed me.
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238. Aaahh!
Ohh! Ohh!
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239. Vivian!
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240. You gave me a start!
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241. What are you
doing down here
in the dark?
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242. I couldn't find
the lights
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243. in this bowlin' alley
you call a kitchen.
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244. Oh, I couldn't
sleep, either.
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245. Oh, I hope
this wedding doesn't
turn into a disaster.
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246. Now, look,
I don't care
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247. if Frank
is black, white,
or candy-apple red.
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248. I've been
on slim fast for
the last two weeks
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249. to fit
into my dress.
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250. Now, somebody's
gonna marry
somebody up in here!
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251. Oh, the hell
with it.
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252. Start slicin' up
that ham.
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253. Girl, this family
has sure had its share
of surprises.
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254. Do you remember
the last reunion
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255. when Uncle Reuben
came out of the closet?
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256. How could I forget?
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257. He came out wearin'
my purple leather suit.
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258. I guess you guys
couldn't sleep
either, huh?
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259. Ohhh...
Ohhh...
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260. Janice, what
are you doing up?
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261. Tomorrow's
your big day.
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262. Yeah, right.
Looks like I caused
a big mess as usual.
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263. Oh, don't be
so hard on yourself.
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264. You don't always
cause a big mess.
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265. Yes, she does.
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266. She's the one
that told
Uncle Reuben
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267. he looked good
in purple.
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268. Janice, why didn't you
tell anybody about Frank?
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269. I guess I was hoping...
No one would notice?
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270. Honey,
who'd you think
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271. you were
bringing him home
to, Stevie wonder?
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272. I was afraid
you wouldn't approve.
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273. Janice, you do not
need our approval.
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274. But are you sure
this is what
you want to do?
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275. Vivian,
there's not a doubt
in my mind.
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276. Then I guess
I better pick up
some Barry manilow
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277. for the reception.
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278. Look...
I think there are a lot
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279. of fine young brothers
out there
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280. just as good as Frank.
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281. But you
can't control
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282. who you fall
in love with.
Uh-uh.
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283. If he's still here
in the mornin',
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284. honey, I say
marry him.
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285. What's goin' on
in here?
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286. Uh-oh.
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287. Oh, we just thought
we'd have a little snack
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288. before we went upstairs.
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289. What's upstairs,
the electric chair?
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290. Oh, come on, vy,
come on, sit down
with us
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291. and have a snack.
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292. No, that's all right.
I know you really
don't want me to.
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293. Of course we do!
Don't we?
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294. Mm-hmm. Come on,
sit down, vy.
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295. So...
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296. Here we are...
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297. Together again,
the Smith sisters.
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298. Loud, live,
and in color.
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299. More like quiet, evil,
and colored.
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300. Janice, you should have
told me he was white.
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301. Uh-oh,
clear the table.
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302. I think she's
gonna blow.
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303. Vy, I am sick to death
of your attitude.
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304. Now, if you don't want
to be here, just leave.
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305. I mean, if you don't
want me to marry Frank,
so who cares?
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306. Baby, don't you have
enough problems
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307. being an
African-American woman?
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308. You need
a white husband
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309. to further
complicate things?
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310. What about Frank?
This isn't gonna make
his life any easier.
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311. Have you thought
about that?
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312. You thought
about your children
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313. or the jobs
or friends you may lose
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314. because some bigot
fails to see the beauty
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315. in your marriage?
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316. Honey, I did not
make the rules,
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317. but I do know
how to play the game.
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318. For survival, Janice,
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319. please don't
marry this man.
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320. Vy, Frank and I
are aware
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321. of everything
you just said.
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322. We can handle it,
sis.
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323. You are
making a terrible,
terrible mistake.
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324. Well,
I guess she'll be
on the first broom
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325. back to Philly.
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326. Hey, yo, Frank,
what you doin', man?
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327. Oh, just tryin'
to get some color.
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328. It's goin' great, man.
For a second there,
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329. I thought
you was Wesley snipes.
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330. Look, son...
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331. This is a big step
you're about to take.
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332. Now, first, you're not
into any gambling
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333. or fancy women, are you?
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334. No,
I'm a pretty straight guy.
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335. Oh, that was gonna be
my next question.
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336. Look, man,
Janice is like
my big sister,
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337. and I just want
to make sure
she's in good hands.
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338. Well, don't worry, will.
I really love her,
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339. and I'm gonna do my best
to make her happy.
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340. And when you come visit,
you can borrow my Porsche.
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341. Got my blessin', man.
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342. Hey, wanna grab
somethin' to eat?
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343. Super.
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344. So, you need
any tips on sex?
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345. No, not really.
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346. Got any for me?
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347. Look, mom...
We have a difference
of opinion. Ok?
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348. But I've made
a decision,
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349. and I'm not afraid
to say it.
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350. Now, I'm goin'
to the...
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351. To the library.
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352. Aren't you
a little overdressed?
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353. Well, I just thought
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354. that I would, you
know, drop in on
the, on the, um...
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355. On—on the thing.
You know, but...
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356. You mean the wedding.
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357. I heard it referred to
as that before.
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358. Will, I already told you.
You're not going
to that wedding.
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359. Come on. Look, mom,
I have to go. I can't
disappoint aunt j.
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360. Aunt j?
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361. Boy, I'm the one
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362. you should be worryin'
about disappointing.
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363. Look—look,
mom. Mom. I think
I'm old enough
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364. to make
this decision
for myself.
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365. Oh! Oh...
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366. Oh, now—now you, too?
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367. Boy, I raised you,
your aunt Vivian,
aunt Helen,
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368. and your aunt j.
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369. Now, all of a sudden,
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370. everybody knows
more than me.
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371. Look, mom, what you
feel about Frank—
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372. I mean,
it might be cool
for you,
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373. but that's not cool
for aunt Janice.
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374. I sacrificed a lot
for Janice,
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375. and it's
quite obvious
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376. that she doesn't
respect me anymore,
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377. which also means
she doesn't care
about me anymore.
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378. Well, that's fine
because I don't care
about her, either.
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379. Mom, what are you saying?
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380. What, everybody
that loves you
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381. gotta do exactly
what you say?
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382. I mean...
What if I don't choose
the college that you want
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383. or I don't choose
the profession you want
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384. or don't live
in the city
that you want?
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385. What, you're gonna
stop lovin' me, too?
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386. Look, mom, I hope not
'cause, look,
I really love you.
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387. I really, really
love you, mom,
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388. but I'm going to the...
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389. To the—to the—
to the thing.
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390. If I can just make it
to that door.
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391. Will, what are you
doin' in that tux?
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392. I'm—I'm goin'
to the—to the,
um...
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393. T-to the thing.
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394. Hey, man,
I can say it to you.
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395. I'm goin'
to the wedding, man!
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396. Great. Then you'll get
to see my surprise.
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397. Since aunt Janice is
of the negroid persuasion
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398. and Frank is of
the caucasoid persuasion,
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399. I have compiled
a special medley of songs.
Give a listen.
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400. So, what do you think?
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401. I think
you were deprived
of oxygen at birth.
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402. May our love
burn as bright
as this candle.
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403. May its flame
burn eternally
in our hearts.
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404. If there is
anyone who thinks
that Janice and Frank
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405. should not be
joined together
in holy matrimony,
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406. let them speak now
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407. or forever
hold their peace.
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408. Oh, lord
have mercy.
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409. Why are you all
looking at me?
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410. Reverend, go on
with the ceremony.
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411. We are paying you
by the hour.
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412. yeah!
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