The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 2x4

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Eric Christmas as Cecil • William Cort as Headmaster Thorvald • Dave Florek as Coach Smiley

Will is a picture of confidence, while Carlton is a frazzled bundle of nerves preparing for college aptitude tests.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Will, this place is a pit!

2. You better clean it up before mom and dad get home.

3. It's cool. Max out, Hil. They won't be home for hours.

4. They're here! Nighty-night.

5. Oh, hi, Aunt Viv. I didn't, I didn't hear you pull up.

6. - Well, where's Uncle Phil? - Oh, he's out back.

7. Turning on the sprinklers.

8. Will!

9. Another crumpet, Cecil?

10. Well, p-perhaps just one.

11. My compliments to your cook.

12. Actually, I baked them myself.

13. Oh, you don't say.

14. Oh, really?

15. A butler having to do the baking.

16. I-I'm sorry, it's just that a, a butler having to cook

17. is rather like a butler, uh, h-having to clean.

18. Yo, what's up the butler posse?

19. Yo, C, you lookin' buffed, man!

20. What, you've been pumpin' iron?

21. I do what I can, homes.

22. Care to join us in a spot of tea and crumpets, Master William?

23. No, that's alright. I'm driving later, man.

24. Y'all go ahead, get busy without me.

25. Oh. None of that sniffin' furniture polish, alright?

26. Just say no.

27. Thank goodness the Crandolfs, uh, only have poodles.

28. At least I don't have to follow him around

29. with a pooper scooper.

30. Oh, by the way, did I tell you

31. the Crandolfs have expanded my wing?

32. The spa is really quite lovely.

33. - Well, I have a Jacuzzi. - Yeah..

34. Oh, you mean those foaming bath tablets

35. they gave you last Christmas?

36. They're quite exhilarating if you sit directly on them.

37. Oh, did I mention that the Crandolfs have installed

38. a wonderful new home entertainment center for me?

39. You know, the Bankses have just given me

40. a fabulous new television set with quadraphonic sound

41. remote control and a satellite dish.

42. Hey, yo, G, can I borrow your new TV, man?

43. Certainly, Master William. It's in my suite.

44. No, it ain't, G. It's right here.

45. Buy a vowel, you moron! Buy a vowel!

46. What are you gunnin' for? Pass it! Pass it!

47. If I were you, Will, I'd be more concerned

48. with passing the PSATs.

49. Yeah, if I were you, I'd get a red nose

50. and a set of big, floppy shoes and call it a day.

51. Laugh now, but in ten years I'll be a successful lawyer

52. and you'll be asking people if they want extra ketchup.

53. Carlton..

54. if you paid attention in class like I do

55. you know you can't study for an aptitude test.

56. You either have it, pftt, or you don't.

57. Yeah, right, and in kindergarten they told me

58. it didn't make a difference where you put the round peg.

59. Next thing I knew, I was in the back of the class

60. with the guy who ate paste.

61. Well, never again. I'm studying all weekend.

62. Carlton, that is not normal, man.

63. What kind of fool works night and day?

64. Boy, do I have a lot of work to do this weekend.

65. Hey. Hi, Uncle Phil.

66. Uh, like I was saying, Carlton

67. a wise man knows the value of hard work.

68. Look, dad. I just went through my practice PSAT test again.

69. I just shaved seven seconds off my time.

70. Whoa, Nelly! Very good, Carlton.

71. You're gonna get a gold star on your chart

72. right next to put-away toys and stay dry through the night.

73. Philip, Geoffrey's annual raise is coming up

74. and I think we should discuss it.

75. Well, we won't bring it up until he does.

76. Madam, sir, I have just taken the liberty

77. of rotating your tires, re-grouting the pool

78. and drawing up plans for a small gazebo.

79. I hope it is to your satisfaction.

80. I think he just brought it up.

81. Carlton, will you quit?

82. Quit, from the Latinquietare

83. to be at rest or satisfied.

84. He's been doing this all morning.

85. It's really irritating.

86. Irritate, from the Latinirritare

87. to excite or stimulate.

88. Okay, Carlton, that's enough.

89. Vivian, his PSATs are this morning.

90. He's just trying to be prepared.

91. Prepare, from the Latin preparare, to make ready.

92. Carlton, shut up.

93. "Shut up," from the big guy, your father.

94. Come here, Aunt Viv. Come here, come here.

95. Come on, Uncle Phil.

96. Is this how you prepare for a test?

97. Well, yeah, sort of.

98. See, what it was is, is we gonna be sittin' down

99. for a lot of hours, so I just thought

100. I'd do somethin' to get my blood flowin'.

101. Come on, Will. We better get goin'.

102. I wanna get there early so I can get my pick of the pencils.

103. Before you go, son, I have a, uh, little surprise for ya.

104. It's my old Princeton sweatshirt, I was gonna save it

105. till when you went off to college, but I thought

106. you might like to have it today.

107. Dad, I don't know what to say. This means so much to me.

108. I'll wear it for good luck.

109. Or you could throw it up in the air

110. and cover that big hole in the ozone.

111. - You wanted to see me. - Uh, yes, Geoffrey.

112. We wanted to discuss your annual raise.

113. In light of your exemplary service over this past year

114. I'd like to offer you an additional $20 a week.

115. I'm sorry.

116. I thought you said $20per week.

117. - I did. - Very well.

118. Dinner at 7:00 as usual, sir?

119. Ow! Of course that's not all, Geoffrey.

120. Oh, of course not, sir. I really didn't think so.

121. Why don't you treat yourself to a new uniform on me?

122. Thank you, sir.

123. You're most kind.

124. And with my new-found wealth..

125. I can treat myself to a happy meal.

126. Junk mail, bills, PSAT scores.

127. - Bills. Man. - Uh, did you say PSAT scores?

128. - Yeah. Yo, beat it, man. - Give me those.

129. - Come on, Will. - Beat it, man.

130. Gi.. Will.

131. Who's the most handsome guy in the world?

132. You are, Will.

133. Uh-uh-uh-uh.

134. And who's the biggest weenie on the planet for fallin' for that?

135. I am. Give me those.

136. You know, man, I don't care what these scores say.

137. You're a dumb young man.

138. Yes! Yes! Yes!

139. Mom, dad, I got a 114 on the PSATs!

140. I'm smart. I'm brilliant.

141. I'm the most intelligent person who ever lived.

142. That is fantastic, baby.

143. Son, I'm so proud of you.

144. Well, Will, why don't you open yours?

145. I got a 91.

146. Carlton, that's enough.

147. Oh.

148. A 91 is... a very good reason

149. why you should take this test again, Will.

150. I'd be happy to help you out. I am in the 90th percentile.

151. Let me see that.

152. You said you got a 114.

153. You got a 116? That's impossible!

154. Oh, the 91 must be my percentile.

155. But, but then that means that..

156. I'mthe most intelligent guy in the world.

157. You know, Carlton, you're gonna love

158. drivin' those big rigs, man.

159. Mom, make him stop!

160. You can havemyjob, Master Carlton.

161. I quit.

162. I don't believe it.

163. You couldn't have done better than me.

164. Somewhere there's an Asian Will Smith

165. and he's really ticked.

166. Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point.

167. Alright, but I won't hesitate to throw it in your face

168. if you don't leave me alone.

169. Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect.

170. Then why are you using car wax on the window?

171. This a window. This is Windex. Can you say that, little boy?

172. Daddy, Geoffrey wouldn't just quit.

173. What did you do to him?

174. Ashley, I'm just glad you didn't have to see him leave.

175. There was a tear in his eye as he walked down the driveway

176. took one last look at us and gave a sad little wave.

177. And fortunately, you're too young to know

178. what he was wavin'.

179. I can't wait to be grown-up.

180. That grocery store was a snake pit.

181. I almost got thrown out of the express line

182. for being one item over the limit.

183. You'd be surprised how fast you can eat a sponge cake

184. when you have to.

185. Vivian, Hilary's gonna fix us a lovely meal.

186. Well, Mama Celeste and Uncle Ben do deserve some credit.

187. You know, it's hot in here with that oven on.

188. What do you think? It's, like, 91 or a measly little 90?

189. I'm telling you, Will, it was a computer error.

190. I'll bet anything.

191. About, what? About 91 bucks?

192. Um, laundry is done.

193. Oh, thank you, Ashley. It was sweet of you to help out.

194. My..

195. Everything is so, uh, pink.

196. Carlton, baby, would you put the mustard in the refrigerator?

197. - Please? - I know what you're implying.

198. You don't think I can cut the mustard, do you?

199. You think that I'm not as smart as Will.

200. You think just because he did better on the exam

201. that he's a better person.

202. Sweetheart, that's ridiculous.

203. Carlton, now, Will's just teasing.

204. We all think you did really good.

205. Good? Good?

206. That's just another way of saying I stink, isn't it?

207. Well, maybe I have hit a little slump

208. but I'm sure even Albert Einstein had a bad day.

209. God knows he never combed his hair.

210. The point is, other great minds had faced adversity

211. and it made them all the better. And I, too, shall overcome.

212. Well, I won't. Not without Geoffrey.

213. Now, Philip, we have got to get him back

214. and I don't care if we have to beg.

215. - Yeah, daddy. - Look.

216. I don't get down on my knees

217. and beg to anyone.

218. Oh, no!

219. But I'm not averse to sitting up and begging.

220. Admit it, Will. I beat you in gym.

221. Okay. Fine, Carlton.

222. You got your shorts on way faster than me.

223. Alright!

224. Of course, yours have a lot shorter distance to travel.

225. It doesn't matter anyway.

226. I've got this whole PSAT thing all figured out.

227. I was just nervous. I lost my stride.

228. But now everything's back to normal. Carlton is back on top.

229. Good morning, class.

230. Today we're going to have a little pop quiz.

231. A quiz? Uh, b-but, Coach Smiley..

232. I didn't have a chance to study.

233. That's why they call it a pop quiz, Banks.

234. Anyway, pass these down. You know the rules.

235. I'll be in the back listening to the game.

236. Good luck, men.

237. My life is over.

238. I'll be expelled. They'll send me away.

239. I'll have to get a Jheri curl and a tattoo.

240. I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food

241. and daily threats of personal violence.

242. Carlton, I don't think they'll send you to prison

243. for cheating on a test.

244. I'm not talking about prison. I'm talking about public school.

245. Oh, oh! Oh!

246. Would you hold it together, Carlton?

247. Look, man, I'll get you through this.

248. But I tried to cheat off your paper.

249. What's in it for you?

250. Well, until someone proves otherwise

251. you are my cousin, man.

252. Look, sit down. Here they come. Follow my lead.

253. - Hey, Dr. T. How you doin'? - Ah..

254. - Hey, how's Carol and the kids? - Oh, fine, Will.

255. - And the knee? - Oh, a lot better now.

256. Hey, hey, I like what you've done with the office.

257. Well, thank you.

258. Now, Carlton, I, uh, must say

259. I'm surprised to see you.

260. - What is this all about, coach? - All I know is this.

261. I went through four years of school

262. on a football scholarship and graduated with honors.

263. So I know a thing or two about cheating.

264. Carlton, man, I think it's time for you to come out the closet.

265. Whoa! Now, now, there's no need for that in here, boys.

266. Look, coach, are you familiar with the sports injury

267. cerebrospinal refractionation?

268. Sure. I mean, isn't everyone?

269. Then you are familiar with how refractionation

270. constrains the range of motion of the upper neck.

271. Uh, sure.

272. Yeah, that's, it's one symptom, yes.

273. Then you know that a refractionation

274. is often brought on by some form of stress

275. and it manifests itself

276. in a compulsive craning of the neck.

277. Oh, Carlton, you look like one's comin' on now.

278. Uh, well, you don't happen to be feelin' any stress now, do you?

279. No, I..

280. Ow! Y-yes, I think I feel it comin' on.

281. Banks, I'm surprised you didn't come to me sooner.

282. He's probably a little embarrassed, coach.

283. I mean, as you can see, he looks like a complete idiot.

284. Well, that's very true.

285. You know, I-I think there seems to be

286. just a big misunderstanding here.

287. I could've caught it myself

288. if I hadn't been so involved in the game.

289. Did I say game?

290. Uh, I meant the crisis in the Soviet Union.

291. Yeah, well, Dr. Thorvald, there is no cheating going on here.

292. This is obviously a case of cerebrospinal

293. uh, whatever he said.

294. You're, uh, dismissed, Banks.

295. Will, you did it! You got me out of cheating! Yes!

296. No!

297. 'There I was, in the middle of an arbitration'

298. between two of my biggest clients, and I get pulled out

299. because Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid here

300. wanna pull a fast one. Now, I want an explanation.

301. - Well, look, Uncle Phil— - Be quiet.

302. Don't even look at me.

303. I cannot believe you boys.

304. Look at me when I'm talkin' to you!

305. Now, what do you think your punishment should be?

306. Yo, come on, man, that's a setup.

307. You are grounded until we can think

308. of something worse to do to you.

309. Now, move it.

310. Have you any idea what we're supposed to do right now?

311. You heard the man. Get upstairs!

312. Come on, man!

313. Is everything all straightened up?

314. Geoffrey will be here any minute.

315. Ah, there he is. Now..

316. We agreed I will do the negotiating.

317. Alright, alright. But remember, play it cool.

318. He doesn't have to know that we're desperate.

319. Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Banks.

320. Geoffrey, thank God!

321. It's been a nightmare here without you.

322. Geoffrey, we're so glad you could come. Please, sit.

323. Geoffrey, um, since you quit

324. Philip and I have been doing a lot of talking.

325. I might as well tell you right now.

326. I won't come back for a penny less than $80 more per week.

327. We'll give you a $100 a week.

328. Oh. Thank you.

329. That's most generous.

330. - But there is one more thing. - Oh, of course.

331. There would be some perks, Geoffrey.

332. An extra week's vacation, alternate weekends off

333. two nights a week off, and extra help for parties.

334. Thank you. But that wasn't it.

335. What do you want, a car, a StairMaster

336. a fax machine? What?

337. I, uh, think I know what it is that Geoffrey wants.

338. And he deserves it.

339. Geoffrey..

340. I apologize for taking you for granted.

341. Thank you, sir. That's all I require.

342. Unless you'd be willing to consider a full-time cook?

343. Preferably Jamaican

344. with an incredible set of..

345. cookware.

346. You're pushing it, Geoffrey.

347. It was worth a try.

348. I'll get my things.

349. - Welcome back. - Yes.

350. Oh, Geoffrey, I'm so glad you're back.

351. I have this huge grape stain on my white cat suit.

352. That was pretty good, Vivian.

353. Of course, I might have given in on the, uh, Jamaican cook.

354. Um, let's get one thing straight here.

355. Iwear the cookware in this house.

356. Come in.

357. - Busy, Will? - Ah..

358. I was about to jet to the Riviera with Whitney Houston

359. but, um, since I'm grounded

360. I guess I could spare five or six months.

361. Will, I'm sorry I got you into trouble.

362. Hey, forget it, man, I shouldn't have been rankin'

363. on your test scores in the first place.

364. Why not? You had a right to gloat.

365. I would have.

366. In fact, I would have gloated better than you did.

367. Ten times better.

368. Oh, Carlton, please, come on, man.

369. This competition thing has got to stop, alright?

370. You a smart dude. You don't need a test to tell you that.

371. Yes, I do.

372. Oh, Carlton, look, I beat you by one stinkin', lousy point.

373. I mean, it's just 'cause I'm down with this math thing.

374. Uh, you stomped me on the verbal section.

375. - I mean, you're a lot more— - Articulate? Eloquent?

376. Erudite?

377. No. Wordy.

378. Well, look, Carlton, there's a lot of things

379. that you do better than me.

380. - Like what? - I don't know, Carl..

381. You get straight As.

382. Uh, posture. You got great posture.

383. And you tie a tie real good.

384. True. I am a much better dresser than you.

385. And I speak better and I drive better

386. and people definitely like me a whole lot more.

387. Well, looks like my work's done here. Goodnight, Carlton.

388. And my manners are vastly superior to yours.

389. And when it comes to personal hygiene

390. God knows there's no comparison.

391. Yo, Carlton, there's one other thing you do great, man.

392. There is? What?

393. You irritate the hell out of me!

394. Now, get outta my room!

395. Thanks, Will.