The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 2, Episode 4

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Eric Christmas as Cecil • William Cort as Headmaster Thorvald • Dave Florek as Coach Smiley

Will is a picture of confidence, while Carlton is a frazzled bundle of nerves preparing for college aptitude tests.

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1. Will, this place is a pit!

2. You'd better clean it up before mom and dad get home.

3. It's cool. Max out, Hillary. They won't be home for hours.

4. They're here!

5. Nighty-night.

6. Oh, hi, aunt viv. I didn't—I didn't hear you pull up.

7. Well, where's Uncle Phil?

8. Oh, he's out back turning on the sprinklers.

9. Will!

10. another crumpet, Cecil?

11. Perhaps just one.

12. My compliments to your cook.

13. Actually, I baked them myself.

14. Oh, ha ha ha. Oh, you don't say.

15. Oh, really.

16. A Butler having to do the baking.

17. I-I'm sorry. It's just that a...

18. A Butler having to cook is rather like a

19. Butler... H-having to clean.

20. Yo, what's up the Butler posse?

21. Yo, c, you're lookin' buffed, man!

22. What, you been pumpin' iron?

23. I do what I can... Homes.

24. Care to join us in a spot

25. of tea and crumpets, master William?

26. No, that's all right. I'm driving later, man.

27. You all go ahead, get busy without me.

28. Oh. None of that sniffin' furniture Polish, all right?

29. Just say no.

30. Thank goodness the crandolfs only have poodles.

31. At least I don't have to follow him around

32. with a pooper scooper.

33. Oh, by the way, did I tell you

34. the crandolfs have expanded my wing?

35. The spa is really quite lovely.

36. Well, I have a jacuzzi.

37. Oh, you mean those foaming bath tablets

38. they gave you last Christmas?

39. They're quite exhilarating

40. if you sit directly on them.

41. Oh, did I mention

42. that the crandolfs have installed

43. a wonderful new home entertainment center for me?

44. You know, the bankses have just given me

45. a fabulous new television set

46. with quadraphonic sound,

47. remote control, and a satellite dish.

48. Hey, yo, g, can I borrow your new TV, man?

49. Certainly, master William. It's in my suite.

50. No, it ain't, g. It's right here.

51. Buy a vowel, you moron. Buy a vowel!

52. What are you gunnin' for? Pass it! Pass it!

53. If I were you, will,

54. I'd be more concerned with passing the psats.

55. Yeah, if I were you, I'd get a red nose

56. and a set of floppy shoes and call it a day.

57. Laugh now, but in 10 years,

58. I'll be a successful lawyer

59. and you'll be asking people

60. if they want extra ketchup.

61. Carlton...

62. If you paid attention in class like I do,

63. you know you can't study for an aptitude test.

64. You either have it... Pftt... Or you don't.

65. Yeah, right. And in kindergarten, they told me

66. it didn't make a difference where you put the round peg.

67. Next thing I knew, I was in the back of the class

68. with the guy who ate paste.

69. Never again.

70. I'm studying all weekend.

71. Carlton, that is not normal, man.

72. What kind of fool works night and day?

73. Boy, do I have a lot of work to do this weekend.

74. Hey. Hi, Uncle Phil.

75. Like I was saying, Carlton,

76. a wise man knows the value of hard work.

77. Look, dad. I just went through my practice psat test again.

78. I just shaved seven seconds off my time.

79. Whoa, Nellie. Very good, Carlton.

80. You're gonna get a gold star on your chart

81. right next to "put away toys"

82. and "stayed dry through the night."

83. Philip. Geoffrey's annual raise is coming up,

84. and I think we should discuss it.

85. We won't bring it up until he does.

86. Madam, sir,

87. I have just taken the liberty

88. of rotating your tires,

89. regrouting the pool,

90. and drawing up plans for a small gazebo.

91. I hope it is to your satisfaction.

92. I think he just brought it up.

93. Carlton, will you quit?

94. "Quit," from the Latin "quietare,"

95. "to be at rest or satisfied."

96. He's been doing this all morning.

97. It's really irritating.

98. "Irritate," from the Latin "irritare,"

99. "to excite or stimulate."

100. Ok, Carlton, that's enough.

101. Vivian, his psats are this morning.

102. He's just trying to be prepared.

103. "Prepare," from the Latin "preparare,"

104. "to make ready."

105. Carlton... Shut up.

106. "Shut up," from the big guy, your father.

107. come here, come here.

108. come on, Uncle Phil.

109. is this how you prepare for a test?

110. Well... Yeah, sort of.

111. See, what it was is, is we gonna be

112. sittin' down for a lot of hours, so I just thought

113. I'd do somethin' to get my blood flowin'.

114. Come on, will. We better get goin'.

115. I want to get there early so I can get my pick of the pencils.

116. Before you go, son, I have a, uh, little surprise for you.

117. It's my old Princeton sweat shirt.

118. I was gonna save it till when you went off to college,

119. but I thought you might like to have it today.

120. Dad, I don't know what to say.

121. This means so much to me.

122. I'll wear it for good luck.

123. Or you can throw it in the air

124. and cover that big hole in the ozone.

125. You wanted to see me.

126. Uh, yes, Geoffrey. We wanted to discuss your annual raise.

127. In light of your exemplary service over this past year,

128. I'd like to offer you an additional $20 a week.

129. I'm sorry.

130. I thought you said $20 per week.

131. I did.

132. Very well.

133. Dinner at 7:00 as usual, sir?

134. Ow! Of course that's not all, Geoffrey.

135. Oh, of course not, sir.

136. I really didn't think so.

137. Why don't you treat yourself to a new uniform on me?

138. Thank you, sir.

139. You're most kind.

140. And, with my new-found wealth...

141. I can treat myself to a happy meal.

142. Junk mail, bills, psat scores.

143. Bills. Man.

144. Did you say psat scores?

145. Yeah. Give me those.

146. Yo, beat it, man.

147. Come on, will. Beat it.

148. Gi—will.

149. Who's the most handsome guy in the world?

150. You are, will.

151. Uh-uh-uh-uh.

152. And who's the biggest weenie on the planet for fallin' for that?

153. I am.

154. Give me those.

155. You know, man, I don't care what these scores say.

156. You're a dumb young man.

157. Yes.

158. Yes! Yes!

159. Mom, dad, I got a 114 on the psats.

160. I'm smart. I'm brilliant.

161. I'm the most intelligent person who ever lived.

162. That is fantastic, baby.

163. Son, I'm so proud of you.

164. Well, will, why don't you open yours?

165. I got a 91.

166. Ha ha ha ha ha!

167. Carlton, that's enough.

168. Ha—oh.

169. A 91 is...

170. A very good reason

171. why you should take this test again, will.

172. I'd be happy to help you out.

173. I am in the 90th percentile.

174. Let me see that.

175. You said you got a 114.A

176. you got a 116? That's impossible.

177. The 91 must be my percentile.

178. But... But then that means that...

179. Ha ha ha ha!

180. Ha ha ha ha!

181. I'm the most intelligent guy in the world.

182. You know, Carlton, you're gonna love drivin' those big rigs, man.

183. Mom, make him stop!

184. You can have my job, master Carlton.

185. I quit.

186. I don't believe it.

187. You couldn't have done better than me.

188. Somewhere there's an Asian will Smith,

189. and he's really ticked.

190. Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point.

191. All right? But I won't hesitate to throw it in your face

192. if you don't leave me alone.

193. Well, everyone still knows

194. I have the superior intellect.

195. Then why are you using car wax on the window?

196. Dis a window. Dis is windex.

197. Can you say that, little boy?

198. Daddy, Geoffrey wouldn't just quit.

199. What did you do to him?

200. Ashley, I'm just glad you didn't have to see him leave.

201. There was a tear in his eye

202. as he walked down the driveway,

203. took one last look at us,

204. and gave a sad little wave.

205. And fortunately,

206. you're too young to know what he was wavin'.

207. I can't wait to be grown up.

208. That grocery store was a snake pit.

209. I almost got thrown out of the express line

210. for being one item over the limit.

211. You'd be surprised how fast you can eat a sponge cake

212. when you have to.

213. Relax, Vivian. Hilary's gonna fix us a lovely meal.

214. Well, mama Celeste and Uncle Ben do deserve some credit.

215. You know, it's hot in here with that oven on.

216. What do you think? It's, like, 91

217. or a measly little 90?

218. I'm telling you, will,

219. it was a computer error. I'll bet anything.

220. About, what? About... 91 bucks?

221. Um...

222. Laundry is done.

223. Oh, thank you, Ashley. It was sweet of you to... Help... Out.

224. My.

225. Everything is so, uh...

226. Pink.

227. Carlton, baby, would you put the mustard

228. in the refrigerator, please?

229. I know what you're implying.

230. You don't think I can cut the mustard, do you?

231. You think I'm not as smart as will.

232. You think just because he did better on the exam

233. that he's a better person.

234. Sweetheart, that's ridiculous.

235. Carlton... Now, will's just teasing.

236. We all think you did really good.

237. Good?

238. Good? That's just another way of saying I stink,

239. isn't it?

240. Well, maybe I have hit a little slump,

241. but I'm sure even Albert Einstein had a bad day.

242. God knows he never combed his hair.

243. The point is, all the great minds

244. have faced adversity,

245. and it made them all the better.

246. And I, too, shall overcome.

247. Well, I won't. Not without Geoffrey.

248. Now, Philip, we have got to get him back,

249. and I don't care if we have to beg.

250. Yeah, daddy.

251. I don't get on my knees

252. and beg to anyone.

253. Oh, no!

254. But I'm not averse to sitting up and begging.

255. Admit it, will. I beat you in gym.

256. Ok. Fine, Carlton.

257. You got your shorts on way faster than me.

258. All right!

259. 'Course, yours have a lot shorter distance to travel.

260. It doesn't matter anyway.

261. I've got this whole psat thing all figured out.

262. I was just nervous. I lost my stride.

263. But now everything's back to normal.

264. Carlton is back on top.

265. Good morning, class.

266. Today we're going to have a little pop quiz.

267. A... Quiz? Uh, b-but, coach smiley,

268. I didn't have a chance to study.

269. That's why they call it a pop quiz, banks.

270. Anyway,

271. pass these down. You know the rules.

272. I'll be in the back listening to the game.

273. Good luck, men.

274. My life is over.

275. I'll be expelled. They'll send me away.

276. I'll have to get a jheri curl and a tattoo.

277. I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food,

278. and daily threats of personal violence.

279. Carlton, I don't think they'll send you to prison

280. for cheating on a test.

281. I'm not talking about prison.

282. I'm talking about public school.

283. Ohh...

284. Ohh!

285. Ohh!

286. Would you hold it together, Carlton?

287. Look, man, I'll get you through this.

288. But I tried to cheat off your paper.

289. What's in it for you?

290. Well, until someone proves otherwise,

291. you are my cousin, man.

292. Look, sit down. Here they come. Follow my lead.

293. Hey.

294. Dr. T. How you doin'?

295. Hey, how's Carol and the kids?

296. Oh, fine, will. And the knee?

297. Oh, a lot better now.

298. Hey, I like what you've done with the office.

299. Well... Thank you.

300. Now, Carlton,

301. I, uh...

302. Must say I'm surprised to see you.

303. What is this all about, coach?

304. All I know is this.

305. I went through four years of school

306. on a football scholarship and graduated with honors,

307. so I know a thing or two about cheating.

308. Carlton, man, I think it's time for you to come out the closet.

309. Whoa! Now...

310. Now, there's... No need for that in here, boys.

311. Look, coach,

312. are you familiar with the sports injury

313. cerebrospinal refrectionation?

314. Sure. I mean... Isn't everyone?

315. Well, then you are familiar with how refrectionation

316. constrains the range of motion

317. of the upper neck.

318. Ahem. Uh...

319. Sure. Yeah, that's it. That's one symptom, yes.

320. Then you know that a refrectionation

321. is often brought on by some form of stress

322. and it manifests itself in a compulsive craning of the neck.

323. Oh, Carlton,

324. you look like one's comin' on now.

325. You don't happen to be feelin' any stress now, do you?

326. No, I—

327. ow!

328. Y-yes, I think I feel it comin' on.

329. Banks, I'm surprised you didn't come to me sooner.

330. He's probably a little embarrassed, coach.

331. I mean, as you can see, he looks like a complete idiot.

332. Well, that's... Very true.

333. You know, I—I think there seems to be

334. just a big misunderstanding here.

335. I could've caught it myself

336. if I hadn't been so involved in the game.

337. Did I say game?

338. Uh... I meant the crisis in the Soviet union.

339. Dr. Thorvald, there is no cheating going on here.

340. This is obviously a case of cerebrospinal...

341. Uh...

342. Whatever he said.

343. You're, uh, dismissed, banks.

344. Will, you did it!

345. You got me out of cheating! Yes!

346. No!

347. There I was, in the middle of an arbitration

348. between two of my biggest clients, and I get pulled out

349. because butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid here

350. want to pull a fast one. Now, I want an explanation.

351. Well, look, Uncle Phil—

352. be quiet. Don't even look at me.

353. I cannot believe you boys.

354. Look at me when I'm talkin' to you!

355. Now, what do you think your punishment should be?

356. Yo, come on, man, that's a setup.

357. You are grounded

358. until we can think of something worse to do to you.

359. Now, move it.

360. Have you any idea

361. what we're supposed to do right now?

362. You heard the man. Get upstairs!

363. Come on, man!

364. Is everything all straightened up?

365. Geoffrey will be here any minute.

366. Oh, there he is.

367. Now, we agreed

368. I will do the negotiating.

369. All right, all right. But remember— play it cool.

370. He doesn't have to know that we're desperate.

371. Good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Banks.

372. Geoffrey, thank God!

373. It's been a nightmare here without you.

374. Geoffrey, we're so glad you could come.

375. Please, sit.

376. Geoffrey, um... Since you quit,

377. Philip and I have been doing a lot of talking.

378. I might as well tell you right now.

379. I won't come back for a penny less than $80 more per week.

380. We'll give you $100 a week.

381. Oh.

382. Thank you.

383. That's most generous.

384. But there is one more thing.

385. Oh, of course there will be some perks, Geoffrey.

386. An extra week's vacation,

387. alternate weekends off, two nights a week off,

388. and extra help for parties.

389. Thank you.

390. But that wasn't it.

391. What do you want, a car, a stairmaster,

392. a fax machine? What?

393. I, uh... Think I know what it is

394. that Geoffrey wants.

395. And he deserves it.

396. Geoffrey, I apologize for taking you for granted.

397. Thank you, sir.

398. That's all I require.

399. Unless you'd be willing to consider

400. a full-time cook?

401. Preferably Jamaican,

402. with an incredible set of...

403. Cookware.

404. You're pushing it, Geoffrey.

405. It was worth a try.

406. I'll get my things.

407. Welcome back.

408. Yes.

409. Geoffrey, I'm so glad you're back.

410. I have this huge grape stain on my white cat suit.

411. That was pretty good, Vivian.

412. Of course, I might have given in

413. on the, uh, Jamaican cook.

414. Um, let's get one thing straight here.

415. I wear the cookware in this house.

416. Come in.

417. Busy, will?

418. I was about to jet to the riviera with Whitney Houston,

419. but, um... Since I'm grounded,

420. I guess I could spare five or six months.

421. Will, I'm sorry I got you into trouble.

422. Hey, forget it, man.

423. I shouldn't have been rankin' on your test scores

424. in the first place.

425. Why not?

426. You had a right to gloat.

427. I would've.

428. In fact, I would've gloated better than you did.

429. 10 times better.

430. Carlton, please. Come on, man,

431. this competition thing has got to stop. All right?

432. You a smart dude. You don't need a test to tell you that.

433. Yes, I do.

434. Oh, Carlton, look, I beat you by one stinkin', lousy point.

435. I mean, it's just 'cause I'm down with this math thing.

436. You stomped me on the verbal section.

437. I mean, you're a lot more—

438. articulate? Eloquent?

439. Erudite?

440. No. Wordy.

441. Look, Carlton, there's a lot of things that you do better than me.

442. Like what?

443. I don't—Carl—

444. you get straight as.

445. Uh... Posture. You got great posture.

446. And you tie a tie real good.

447. True. I am a much better dresser than you.

448. And I speak better. And I drive better.

449. And people definitely like me a whole lot more.

450. Well, looks like my work's done here. Good night, Carlton.

451. And my manners are vastly superior to yours.

452. And when it comes to personal hygiene,

453. God knows there's no comparison.

454. Yo, Carlton, there's one other thing you do great, man.

455. There is? What?

456. You irritate the hell out of me!

457. Now, get outta my room!

458. Thanks, will.