1. Well, g,
on a scale of 1 to 10,
I'm about a fiddy-three.
Copy !req
2. And that's, uh,
fully cloth-ed.
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3. But aren't you dressed
a bit early for your date?
Copy !req
4. I'm not going
on a date.
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5. I'm going
on a phone call.
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6. That's what I call
safe sex.
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7. Yes. Hello.
Mrs. Seeger?
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8. Yes. How are you,
Mrs. Seeger,
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9. this fine afternoon?
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10. Yes, if it's not
too much trouble,
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11. might I speak with
your lovely daughter Cynthia?
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12. Yes. Thank you very much.
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13. Yeah. What's up, baby?
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14. Yeah, this is
your suntan superman.
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15. Hey, uh,
what do you say
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16. the three of us
get together
this weekend—
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17. you, me,
and your red tube top?
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18. Yeah, well, if I
blow in your ear,
will you—
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19. uh...
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20. Help me with
my geography report
on Alaska?
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21. Yeah, you see,
Alaska was up there
all cold and lonely,
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22. and along comes
the United States
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23. all warm and full of
bulging Mountain ranges.
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24. So the United States
says, uh,
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25. "you know, I'm thinking
of laying a pipeline.
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26. Are you interested?"
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27. I'll see you
Saturday night.
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28. wow, your cousin even
makes sandwiches cool.
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29. He's the coolest.
Except when
he wears his shower cap
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30. and runs through
the sprinklers.
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31. Children, I have
a special surprise—
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32. cookies in the shapes
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33. of your favorite
cartoon characters.
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34. Geoffrey,
I really don't think
Kevin and I—
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35. whoa ho ho ho!
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36. Check it out—
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37. Elmer fudd, and he got
little chiclet teeth.
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38. Yo, that's fly, g.
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39. Yeah, that's fly.
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40. Thank you.
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41. It's good to know
those four years at Oxford
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42. didn't go to waste.
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43. What's you and kev
getting into
this weekend?
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44. The same thing
as every weekend—
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45. pizza and dad's
renting a video.
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46. This week,
it's the muppets
take Manhattan.
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47. Ohh.
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48. What?
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49. You look cute.
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50. Oh, you both look cute.
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51. Aren't they just
the cutest little couple?
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52. Yeah. Check it out—
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53. little bluebirds
flying around
their heads.
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54. Well, how about
a refill on those milks?
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55. Thank you, Mrs. Banks.
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56. Hilary,
as a loyal republican
and a staunch bush man,
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57. I'm warning you,
don't do this.
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58. Come on, Carlton,
you're not a bush man.
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59. You're more
like a pygmy.
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60. I'm trying
to keep hilary
from embarrassing us
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61. in front of the whole
republican party.
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62. Hilary, are
you joining the
republican party?
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63. No, I'm going to it.
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64. Arnold Schwarzenegger's
having a pool party.
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65. I can't decide
if I got the right suit.
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66. Oh, darn.
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67. Now Arnold's going
to have to return his.
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68. I kind of like it.
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69. I do, too. That's
a good-looking hat.
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70. It's hilary's
new bathing suit.
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71. When fish ride bicycles.
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72. I better get going.
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73. Uh, Kevin,
I'll see you tomorrow
to do homework.
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74. I mean, if you want to.
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75. Sure. I mean,
if you want to.
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76. Sure, so—
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77. later.
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78. Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
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79. Oh, I forgot
my notebook paper.
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80. Here.
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81. Oh, thanks.
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82. Darn, I broke my pencil.
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83. Oh, I have one.
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84. Thanks.
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85. So, what did you get
for your first question?
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86. J. Edgar hoover.
What did you get?
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87. 12.
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88. Aren't we doing math?
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89. I thought
we were doing history.
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90. My palms are sweaty.
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91. Is your heart
beating fast, too?
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92. Yeah. I kinda
feel like you do
after the teacup ride.
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93. You think I got the flu?
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94. Do you want some
children's Tylenol?
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95. No.
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96. I think
I'd feel better if...
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97. I could kiss you.
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98. I'm sorry.
Is that terrible?
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99. No.
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100. Is it terrible
that I want
to kiss you back?
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101. Can I blow in your ear?
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102. Why?
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103. I don't know.
I heard will say it.
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104. Oh.
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105. O.K.
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106. What's it doing?
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107. I think
it's giving me
an earache.
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108. Wasn't doing much
for me either.
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109. Besides,
I like kissing better.
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110. Um, me, too.
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111. Hi, kids.
Having fun?
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112. This one is so cute!
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113. I don't want
to be cute tonight,
hilary.
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114. I've always been cute.
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115. I'm up to here with cute.
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116. Ashley...
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117. Talk to me.
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118. This isn't just
about clothes, is it?
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119. It's about something
a lot more important.
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120. It's a bad hair day,
isn't it?
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121. Honey, have you seen
my obsession perfume?
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122. Oh, baby,
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123. this is the perfect
choice for tonight.
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124. Oh, I think this is
the cutest outfit
you have.
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125. O.K., I'm cute.
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126. Can we move on now?
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127. You remember
the first boy
you had over
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128. to watch TV, hilary?
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129. Please! I don't
remember the guy
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130. I went out with
last week.
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131. Oh, all my babies
are growing up.
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132. Uh-oh. I feel
a little chat coming on.
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133. See ya.
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134. Ashley, honey,
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135. let's have
a little talk.
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136. Do we have to?
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137. Honey,
I just want to say
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138. that I know
this is your first time
having Kevin over
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139. without your father
and I at home.
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140. I know your body's
going through changes—
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141. mom! Do we have
to talk about my body?
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142. Ready, Vivian?
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143. Yep. We'll talk
about it later.
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144. O.K. I love you.
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145. I love you, too.
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146. Just get my jacket.
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147. Ashley, sweetheart...
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148. Now, before
Kevin comes over,
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149. I think I should have
a talk with you
about boys.
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150. Great, daddy.
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151. They're all dogs.
Got it?
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152. Have a good time,
sweetheart.
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153. Ow!
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154. Ashley, you hit me
in my stomach
with this thing.
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155. Had it been Carlton,
you could have
put his eye out.
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156. Sorry, will.
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157. I was upset about
that stupid outfit
hilary picked out.
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158. If you don't like it,
why don't you say so?
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159. Because everyone's
too busy going,
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160. "ohh."
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161. Yeah.
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162. I know how you feel.
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163. My mom still asks me
if I went boom-boom.
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164. You're the only one
who doesn't treat me
like a baby.
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165. You've been out
with lots of girls.
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166. Yeah. This has been
an exceptional week.
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167. No. What I mean is,
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168. well, I like Kevin,
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169. and I know
he really likes me.
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170. Ohh.
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171. And I—I kind of
need some advice.
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172. Now, I know what
it's like being 13,
Ashley,
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173. and I just have to say
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174. if you want
to kiss Kevin,
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175. go for it.
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176. Uh, I've already
kissed him.
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177. Oh, no,
I mean on the lips.
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178. So do I.
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179. Will...
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180. I need to know
everything you know
about sex.
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181. Aah!
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182. Um, look, Ashley,
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183. don't you think
sex is something
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184. you should discuss
with aunt viv,
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185. you know, like,
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186. over a cup
of general foods
international coffee?
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187. It's hard enough for me
to accept the fact
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188. that mom and dad
even did it.
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189. I don't want
to talk about it
with them.
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190. Besides,
we've already discussed
all the technical stuff.
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191. I know all about eggs,
fallopian tubes—
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192. am I going to
have to
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193. wash your mouth out
with soap,
young lady?
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194. Oh, will, grow up.
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195. I'm old enough
to marry Jerry Lee Lewis.
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196. Look, if mom and dad
knew about
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197. all these weird feelings
I'm starting to have,
they'd freak.
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198. Promise not to tell them?
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199. All right.
All right.
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200. But I want you to stop
having these feelings.
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201. You don't want to be
that kind of girl.
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202. You mean
the kind you like?
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203. What is this,
the Spanish inquisition?
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204. Look, will, when a girl
doesn't fool around,
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205. you never call her back.
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206. There's a reason
for that, Ashley.
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207. Not one I'm proud of,
but there's a reason
for that.
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208. It's 'cause there's
nothing to remember.
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209. How come
it's o.K. For you
and not for me?
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210. Look, it's diff—
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211. look, when—
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212. I—I can't answer
all these questions,
Ashley.
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213. And I thought
you were the one person
who would understand.
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214. Look, I do understand,
Ashley.
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215. It's just—just that...
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216. I just need
a little time
to get prepared.
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217. But I thought
you knew everything
about sex.
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218. Yeah, well.
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219. Look, I just
want to make sure
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220. there haven't been
any new developments,
you know...
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221. In the last day or so.
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222. O.K. Hey, thanks a lot
for helping me, will.
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223. I'm so excited.
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224. Will you stop
talking dirty?
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225. Hi, will.
Is Ashley ready?
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226. No, man!
She's only 13!
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227. Hi, Kevin.
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228. Hi, Ashley.
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229. Want to watch some TV?
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230. Sure. I mean,
if you do.
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231. Sure.
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232. Whoa! TV—
what a great idea.
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233. Hey, come on.
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234. Let's go
into the family room
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235. for some nice
family fun.
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236. Let's watch some TV.
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237. O.K. Couple number two,
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238. where's the most
unusual place
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239. you ever made whoopee?
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240. Whoa!
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241. Boy, that was good.
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242. Hey, how about some music?
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243. enough of that filth.
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244. I like that song.
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245. You would.
You men disgust me!
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246. Hey, there's
my favorite cousin.
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247. Come here.
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248. Hey, move over, man.
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249. Will, I'm late
to pick up dara.
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250. Now, wouldn't you
much rather
spend time with us
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251. playing a nice sweet game
of duck, duck, goose?
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252. Dara can tie a slip knot
with her tongue.
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253. O.K., who ate
all the whipped cream?
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254. Is there no end
to you people's
preoccupation with sex?
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255. Somebody's girlfriend
got grounded again?
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256. May I please speak
to the two of you
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257. in the kitchen
right now?
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258. It's Ashley.
You can't tell
Uncle Phil and aunt viv.
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259. She asked me
to tell her about sex.
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260. I don't know
what to tell her.
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261. She should hear it
from somebody
more experienced.
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262. Well, pardon me
for being attractive.
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263. Look,
I'm the wrong person.
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264. I tried to tell
Carlton about sex, and...
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265. Well, you know the rest.
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266. Look, well,
somebody has to tell her.
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267. She won't
do anything stupid
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268. if she has some
good solid facts.
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269. Wrong,
my hot-blooded cousin.
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270. If you tell her
about sex,
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271. she's just gonna
run out and do it.
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272. Oh, that's ridiculous.
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273. We want to expose her
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274. to a realistic portrayal
of relationships.
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275. I know.
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276. We'll rent pretty woman.
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277. Well, here we are
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278. to get information
for our book report.
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279. I'm just here
to check the place
for asbestos.
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280. This is
embarrassing, will.
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281. Why'd you have
to drag me down here
anyway?
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282. Please, look at this face.
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283. You think anybody's
going to believe I have
questions about sex?
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284. Is there a John Doe
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285. and a Joan Crawford?
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286. I choked, o.K.?
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287. Present.
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288. Hi, I'm Ms. Rinkoff.
I'm one of the counselors.
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289. Right this way, please.
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290. Shall we
step into your office
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291. and talk about asbestos?
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292. Asbestos, huh?
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293. Last I heard,
it was called
knocking boots.
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294. Please,
have a seat.
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295. Now, how can I help you?
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296. Uh, by turning into
an old ugly man.
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297. Boys, there's no reason
to be embarrassed
about sex.
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298. Hey, we're all
adults here.
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299. Exactly. Everyone
has questions about
their reproductive organs.
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300. Must you be so raw?
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301. Well, actually,
it's about my cousin,
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302. his sister.
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303. She's 13.
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304. Is she pregnant?
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305. Hey, that's my sister
you're talking about!
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306. I'm sorry to say it,
but that's reality.
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307. These days,
more teenage girls
are having sex.
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308. They certainly
don't go to our school.
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309. We can't control
people's actions,
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310. but we can help kids
make wise choices,
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311. not stupid ones.
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312. Here.
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313. Here's a pamphlet called
the truth about sex.
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314. Thank you very much.
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315. No. Wait a minute.
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316. Here's one about
prevention of pregnancy,
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317. here's one about aids,
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318. and here's one
about dealing
with your emotions.
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319. Uh, sure a lot
of stuff to read.
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320. Yes, I know.
That's why I really think
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321. this is something
your parents should discuss
Copy !req
322. with your cousin.
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323. Well, that's not likely
with Uncle Phil.
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324. He won't let us watch
snow white,
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325. 'cause she lives
with seven dwarfs.
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326. Um, thank you.
Thank you.
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327. Not so fast.
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328. It's wonderful
you have information
for your cousin,
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329. but what about you?
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330. Uh, I practice
abstinence.
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331. Uh, but I think
I've got that down,
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332. and I'm ready
to move on.
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333. Will?
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334. Hey, check it out—
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335. black folks playing tennis.
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336. I wonder if there's
a white guy somewhere
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337. tap-dancing.
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338. Uh, kids,
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339. we found these pamphlets.
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340. Is there anything
anyone here
Copy !req
341. would like to discuss?
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342. O.K. Who's pregnant?
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343. Hey, not me.
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344. Not me.
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345. I'm going to
go out on a limb
and make that unanimous.
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346. Look, aunt viv,
Uncle Phil.
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347. Now,
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348. there's somebody
in this house
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349. who needs
to talk about sex,
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350. and it ain't
one of us.
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351. But that only leaves—
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352. oh, God,
tell me it's Geoffrey.
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353. I think it's our
not-so-little girl.
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354. O.K., kids,
Copy !req
355. your father and I
need to talk alone.
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356. Hey, look,
Uncle Phil,
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357. now, just remember
Copy !req
358. that sex is as natural
as breathing.
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359. And I'm going
to hold my breath
Copy !req
360. till I'm married.
Copy !req
361. I still remember
the night Ashley was born.
Copy !req
362. She looked like
a beautiful little
black Winston Churchill.
Copy !req
363. Seems like yesterday.
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364. Our baby's
not a baby anymore,
is she?
Copy !req
365. I knew it was time
to have a talk with her.
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366. And I tried to
the other night,
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367. but I couldn't
face the fact
Copy !req
368. that she was having
sexual feelings.
Copy !req
369. Vivian,
how could this
happen to us?
Copy !req
370. We live
in a good neighborhood.
They go to good schools.
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371. She's never
even had a cavity,
for God's sake.
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372. Vivian,
times have changed
Copy !req
373. since you and I
were young.
Copy !req
374. Hell, they've changed
since hilary and Carlton
were young.
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375. A man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
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376. Pack your bags.
We're moving to Greenland.
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377. This isn't easy
for me either,
Copy !req
378. but this is our job,
honey. We're parents.
Copy !req
379. You're right.
Copy !req
380. We can do this.
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381. We can do it.
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382. Hi.
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383. I can't do it.
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384. Can't do what, daddy?
Copy !req
385. We want
to talk to you...
Copy !req
386. About sex.
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387. I know where
babies come from.
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388. I took sex education.
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389. I thought you took band.
Copy !req
390. Now, I know that
there are some feelings
Copy !req
391. you're experiencing
as a young woman.
Copy !req
392. And I want to know—
do you have questions?
Copy !req
393. Well, a few.
Copy !req
394. And we'll do our best
to answer them for you.
Copy !req
395. Thanks.
Copy !req
396. Kevin asked his mom
a question, and she fainted.
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397. Well, I guess
the first thing
I better do then
Copy !req
398. is sit down.
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399. Dara can tie a...
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400. Slip knot.
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401. Slip knot.
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402. Dara can fit
a whole orange
in her mouth.
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403. Dara?
In your phone book?
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